Touchofinsight Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 So what I have gathered from reading this thread...If an asexual finds a sexual that they are comfortable compromising their orientation with, then happy ending for them!But if you are an asexual who does not want sex, then NO CAKE FOR YOU. Learn how to deal with it, or learn how to spread your legs like everyone else. How do you tell someone else how to change how they feel about sex? Isn't it just as "bad" the other way around. You have a smaller dating pool, its reality. We don't live in should land where people should accept their partners differences if they love them. We all have deal breakers, and unfortunately this time you are on the side of a vast minority. Yes, one solution is to seek a way to change your feelings towards sex if you so pursue it. However that is a false reality for many asexuals, it just isn't a choice their willing to make because it can be long and difficult and isn't a guaranteed success.This is the adversity most asexuals have to deal with.Best of LuckTouch! Link to post Share on other sites
Vampyremage Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 So what I have gathered from reading this thread... If an asexual finds a sexual that they are comfortable compromising their orientation with, then happy ending for them! But if you are an asexual who does not want sex, then NO CAKE FOR YOU. Learn how to deal with it, or learn how to spread your legs like everyone else. <_< Harsh though it might sound, if an asexual were to consider getting involved with a sexual, that's often how it is. A successful relationship between a sexual and asexual will, almost inevitably, involve some sort of compromise on both sides. Depending on the dynamics involved, that could either involve some sort of sexual activity between the two partners or some sort of open or poly relationship whereby the sexual partner is able to have sex outside of their asexual partner. If such options are not acceptable, then one should probably seek an asexual partner or a partner who otherwise does not desire sex as a part of the relationship. Yes, such partners are relatively rare but they are out there. Link to post Share on other sites
never odd or even Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I used to wish I wasnt asexual. What I realised now is that people who do not value what I have to say or respect my boundaries are not going to be good partners. My greatest advice? Go to the ace meets. Even if you dont date any of them, you still have the comfort of an accepting community, new friends and a mutual understanding. I found my partner there, long after I'd given up on relationships in general. In fact, I actively didnt want one. But I couldn't make myself not like them, and we have been together for over a year now :) The odds were stacked up against me; trans, ace to grey, I had a christian background, needed intellectual foreground, and needed someone to be able to take a relationship slowly, without formalities. I had never been in a relationship for more than 6 months, and not many of them either. And my partner was the same. I've learned more about myself from being with them. Neither of us thought that anybody would ever want to be with us. I often think that people who are not actively looking for love will find it more genuinely than people who are, but that is merely my own experience. This is not a disease, nor a curse, even though it may feel like it. I think you are looking in the wrong places. Its like you are a straight guy looking for love in a gay bar. Link to post Share on other sites
Nameless123 Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 So what I have gathered from reading this thread... If an asexual finds a sexual that they are comfortable compromising their orientation with, then happy ending for them! But if you are an asexual who does not want sex, then NO CAKE FOR YOU. Learn how to deal with it, or learn how to spread your legs like everyone else. <_< First of all, the sex is not everything that can go wrong in a relationship, so sexual compromising =/= happy ending. Also plenty of sexual people have trouble with sexual incompatibilities as well and end relationships because of that. As for the spreading of legs - I'm not sure whether you mean that literally or figuratively. I'm female and I have never spread my legs for any other person and I intend to keep it that way. There're... other ways. Have you ever been so in love with someone that you considered doing something for them you'd never do for anyone else? It seems to me you're giving up before you've even tried. I can't speak for other people, but from my own experience if two people really care about each other a lot of things are possible, on both the asexual's and the sexual's side. Link to post Share on other sites
Naosuu Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I don't see my asexuality as a "curse" or a "boon". It's simply who I am. If someone is not willing to accept that, then maybe that person was not suited for me in the first place. It sucks, yeah, but it is better in the long-run. At that point, OP, you have to decide what you are willing to compromise in a relationship. Some asexuals are fine with having some sexual contact (manual stimulation, oral, etc), some are quite against any kind of contact. The reality is, for any asexual, if you're willing to have a relationship with a sexual, an asexual must have some kind of sexual contact. Sex is still a problem between sexuals, especially when both have very different sex drives (i.e. one wants sex more than the other). Relationships are all about finding that acceptable middle ground between two people. OP, I think if you're not willing to have sex with your partner, then take Never Odd's suggestion: go to the ace meet-ups. Talk to some people over on the AVEN forums, chat. AVEN is a huge community where you'll find other people with similar outlooks. If you're looking for a relationship, I'm sure you'll find someone here. Being asexual doesn't necessarily make relationships harder. Asexuals simply have a different set of challenges to overcome. Link to post Share on other sites
Ritchie333 Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 I could argue this point from the other side. As a "lapsed asexual" (which I think is a fair description of myself), falling neither on the side of totally asexual but nowhere near as interested as most people, I could argue that I've effectively ruled out any relationship with any true asexual in this community and elsewhere beyond just friends. No cake for me, either! But I don't let that bother me, I just get on with my life and think about other things. If I did find somebody who was otherwise perfect, then we'd just have to sit down and work it out. Although I can think of far bigger deal breakers, like sometimes I just want to slink off and do my own thing for an evening without anyone else getting in the way, which sucks if you need a shoulder to cry on at the same time. You are who you are. If people can't accept that, that's their problem and not yours. In my experience, you can get true friends who are prepared to listen to you and make you feel better without anything romantic getting in the way. Better to have that than nothing at all, right? Link to post Share on other sites
Elis Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 There are many Asexuals here, and many who have your same circumstances, but they aren't all sad about that, some even see it as a blessing; think of the "why". Think till you find your answer . And also, think of the problems that being sexual causes; betrayals for sex for example, or when only one of the two feels like having sex, and so on. Having or not having a happy life mostly depends on you. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 So what I have gathered from reading this thread... If an asexual finds a sexual that they are comfortable compromising their orientation with, then happy ending for them! But if you are an asexual who does not want sex, then NO CAKE FOR YOU. Learn how to deal with it, or learn how to spread your legs like everyone else. <_< This is kind of true, and it sucks. Having a minority sexual orientation comes with real life difficulties in finding partners. Fetishists are in the same boat... it's not impossible to find another person that's into watersports and bloodplay, but it's not exactly easy either, and finding them isn't even the only step. You also have to fall in love with them. The numbers are against you, it's true. It's not impossible, however. A good way to up your odds is to compromise on what you can compromise on. If all sexual activity is out the window, then you may want to consider less traditional relationship models. I know some people who have very... specific... sexual proclivities, and open relationships & polyamorous relationships work as a decent compromise. Do you get everything you want? Maybe not. But we don't always get everything we want. It works both ways, you know. If you asked me what my perfect relationship model is, I sure as hell wouldn't say "married to an asexual". Yet, here I am. I am not getting everything I want out of the relationship, but that's true of all people in all relationships everywhere. If you think it's acceptable to ask someone to sacrifice some of their sexual needs, perhaps you may want to reconsider whether it's acceptable to ask yourself to do the same. Link to post Share on other sites
Kitty Spoon Train Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 A good way to up your odds is to compromise on what you can compromise on. If all sexual activity is out the window, then you may want to consider less traditional relationship models. I know some people who have very... specific... sexual proclivities, and open relationships & polyamorous relationships work as a decent compromise. Do you get everything you want? Maybe not. But we don't always get everything we want. It works both ways, you know. If you asked me what my perfect relationship model is, I sure as hell wouldn't say "married to an asexual". Yet, here I am. I am not getting everything I want out of the relationship, but that's true of all people in all relationships everywhere. If you think it's acceptable to ask someone to sacrifice some of their sexual needs, perhaps you may want to reconsider whether it's acceptable to ask yourself to do the same. This. Link to post Share on other sites
alto Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 What's so awful about being alone? Plus, it IS possible to find someone you DON'T have to compromise for although it's hard to find. I had a very fulfilling, sex-free bromance once. You can go for that. Plus, there's more to the asexual online dating scene than Acebook. Link to post Share on other sites
WünderBâhr Posted June 21, 2012 Share Posted June 21, 2012 There's nothing wrong with a compromise, just as there is nothing wrong with not compromising. It's about being in a stable, healthy and happy relationship. AVEN is not the only representative of the asexuality community, and not all of the people in it advertise when they are in relationships or not. To go by just what you see here would be a bit misleading of ALL asexuality as mankind knows it. You have a right to your grief and sadness. I'm sorry that you've had a tough time finding someone willing to accept you as you are, without expectations of sex. I find it hard to believe that it is impossible, though, for someone who has the want and need to give affection to another to find a partner. But that's just my perspective. I've been through similar struggles and have just come to the realization that I cannot reassemble myself to suit someone else's needs. Been there, done that, and honestly it isn't worth it (*editing in that this applies when the expectations are unreasonable, as all relationships have some form of relationship-ish compromises). But I do know that there are ppl out there who haven't ask me to, and that makes me feel better. My SO is also asexual, and we accept each other as we are. We might not publicize our relationship for all AVEN to see, but I know it can happen. Not sure if that helps give hope or what have you... It is what it is. I think everyone deserves some happiness, so I hope things work out for you. Link to post Share on other sites
AceSpace Posted July 3, 2012 Author Share Posted July 3, 2012 Have you ever been so in love with someone that you considered doing something for them you'd never do for anyone else? It seems to me you're giving up before you've even tried. I've had deep feelings for people before, yes. Even now. I've wanted to kiss and cuddle them, but nothing more... I just don't have that desire.. Link to post Share on other sites
Sally Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 Have you ever been so in love with someone that you considered doing something for them you'd never do for anyone else? It seems to me you're giving up before you've even tried. I've had deep feelings for people before, yes. Even now. I've wanted to kiss and cuddle them, butd nothing more... I just don't have that desire.. I think Hero was trying to find out if you would compromise for someone you loved. Compromise usually means doing something that you don't desire, but that you are willing to do to please your partner. Link to post Share on other sites
cioran Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 So what I have gathered from reading this thread... If an asexual finds a sexual that they are comfortable compromising their orientation with, then happy ending for them! But if you are an asexual who does not want sex, then NO CAKE FOR YOU. Learn how to deal with it, or learn how to spread your legs like everyone else. <_< This is kind of true, and it sucks. Having a minority sexual orientation comes with real life difficulties in finding partners. Fetishists are in the same boat... it's not impossible to find another person that's into watersports and bloodplay, but it's not exactly easy either, and finding them isn't even the only step. You also have to fall in love with them. The numbers are against you, it's true. It's not impossible, however. A good way to up your odds is to compromise on what you can compromise on. If all sexual activity is out the window, then you may want to consider less traditional relationship models. I know some people who have very... specific... sexual proclivities, and open relationships & polyamorous relationships work as a decent compromise. Do you get everything you want? Maybe not. But we don't always get everything we want. It works both ways, you know. If you asked me what my perfect relationship model is, I sure as hell wouldn't say "married to an asexual". Yet, here I am. I am not getting everything I want out of the relationship, but that's true of all people in all relationships everywhere. If you think it's acceptable to ask someone to sacrifice some of their sexual needs, perhaps you may want to reconsider whether it's acceptable to ask yourself to do the same. I'm fetish friendly if it doesn't involve bodily fluids/waste/guns, I don't get off on any of them, but am indifferent to most. I still find some of them mildly baffling. I had an ex who was into well, everything vaguely sexual. Needless to say that didn't work out. And you'll see me with the pop a viagra and "take one for the team" school of thought. It kind of becomes a one way street though. I want sex maybe once every month or three. I've never met a female in that ballpark (excluding some rape victims, who for whatever reason think I'm the bee's knees until they realize I'm not sensitive and willing to wait, I just don't want to have sex with them - not that I've ever misled any of them). I mean it's not that I'm getting anything of what I want (though I suppose you could counter-argue sex as a necessary, but not sufficient, condition of a relationship with a sexual), I just give less of what they want. If sex in relationship was a negotiation (which it isn't), it would be more like, "Hey let's have sex 3 times and you do my laundry twice." It's more like being held hostage by social conventions and doing the minimum you can get away with without getting shot. Link to post Share on other sites
GeekGothHybrid Posted July 4, 2012 Share Posted July 4, 2012 @ExploringReal, yes asexuals are rare but put it in perspective. The statistic that is often tossed about is that 1% of the world's population is asexual. Let's assume that is accurate across the board. I see from some of your other posts that you live in SE Florida, which to me means Broward/Miami-Dade/Palm Beach counties. I have recently been working on a project that has required me to immerse myself in demographic data pertaining to SE Florida. There are about 4.4 million adults in those three counties. One percent of that is 44,000. That's still a lot of people. I suspect there is a potential long-term asexual companion for almost everyone who wants one.:) Thankyou! I am getting a bit tired of people talking as if we're okapi. 1 in 100 people really isn't as small as it first appears- there are plenty of demographic groups who are smaller and do OK when it comes to meeting each other IRL (transgendered people, for instance). All this "We're too rare!" attitude has done is sent terribly pessimistic messages to young aces and prevented us from getting real world... anything. It's completely unnecessary, and it's not doing anybody any favours. So what I have gathered from reading this thread... If an asexual finds a sexual that they are comfortable compromising their orientation with, then happy ending for them! But if you are an asexual who does not want sex, then NO CAKE FOR YOU. Learn how to deal with it, or learn how to spread your legs like everyone else. <_< A lot of people seem to believe that, but it's really not true, OP. Link to post Share on other sites
Captain S Posted July 8, 2012 Share Posted July 8, 2012 Whaaa ;( I feel the same freaking way I wish I care about people enough to want to do them.... I only like to cuddle and maybe kiss if I care enough. But in the world we live in that idea doesn't get me very far.:( I wish someone would understand lol. Link to post Share on other sites
Aimless Posted July 29, 2012 Share Posted July 29, 2012 Wasn't planning on posting on here (I always seem to read and remain a lurker on forums), but I totally feel the same way as you OP, almost spot on. It's rather depressing. :( Link to post Share on other sites
AceSpace Posted August 1, 2012 Author Share Posted August 1, 2012 I have a crush on this one guy and it is only growing stronger, to my frustration...I've been told to tell him my feelings, which at first I was open to doing, but on second thought I asked myself, "What is the point??!" Telling someone you have favorable feelings towards them usually results in them asking awkward questions (whether that be out loud or in their head) like "What now?" and "What is expected of me?" or "How should I react?" My answer to "What now?" is "Nothing--being in a relationship with you would make me feel horrible for not being able to give you what you want, and I wouldn't be so selfish as to ask you to make that sacrifice anyway for my sake." My answer to "What is expected of me?" is also, "Nothing--I expect you to go on with your life as if nothing has changed." Even if this guy ALSO had feelings for me I would not be relieved...because there is nothing we could do about our feelings. He wants sex, I want to cuddle...and if I denied him sex I would feel guilty and that guilt would spoil it for me (as it may also spoil it for him). I can't think of any good reason to do anything about my feelings for him. So I literally suffer in silence. It HURTS...not as much as it would hurt to complicate our friendship, though. Link to post Share on other sites
DeadandLovely Posted December 31, 2012 Share Posted December 31, 2012 Being with someone isn't always a good outcome. Society puts pressure on us by making us think that we need to get married, have a family, etc. When in reality all of those things are the core issues in our culture. There's failed marriages, broken families, kids being raised horribly, and over population. I might just be someone who likes to be alone but just give it thought. Being in a "relationship" does not make life better. You can concentrate more on yourself, your passions, and goals without having to conform to someone else. Just my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
honor is all Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 I'm thinking maybe it's not my place to advise you since I'm not ace and am aromantic to boot and wouldn't know anything about ace relationships and the odds of finding one but I can give you hope and perspective in terms of the "the odds are small" concern. I agree. 1 in 100 is small. Being a romantic asexual is rare. But it's not as rare as being an Aromantic Polyamorous Bisexual (I'm sexual by AVEN's defintion but have a low libido). Just think "if this oddball of oddballs found their niche so can I". In May last year I found an aromantic committed couple where the woman's bisexual and the guy's straight who wanted to have a come-and-go freewheeler to break the routine a bit (they have since managed to fall in love with the freewheel and the freewheel isn't reciprocating which is causing some friction but that's another story). So now you might ask how did I manage to pull off that trick. Was it just chance. The answer is yes and no. It happened because I looked in the right places. So here's my three point plan for finding your ace 'other half' as you soppy romantics from all sides of the spectrum like to call it. :P 1) Like Never Odd or Even said you have to look in the right places. You are unlikely to find your ace companion at some shady nightclub famous for the promiscous party goer crowd. So make the most of offline meets in your area, online AVEN chat and forums, join to all the ace dating sites there are and even some ace friendly mainstream ones. I think someone mentioned OK Cupid has a whole set of questions on libido and sexual attitudes and it automatically matches those with similar answers or something. 2) I'm so getting booed for this one but here goes. Make use of the sterotypes. There's a saying; every stereotype has a grain of truth in it and the comittment-phobe drifitng artist has a whole flour sack." :D (the last part is mine). On a serious note browse through the forum. Ask the asexuals you know online or offline about their interest, hobbies, aspirations, etc. Then explore some of those hobbies, interests and aspirations yourself. From what i see here I'd say a fair number of aces is into manga, anime, games, computer related stuff, playing in a band etc I recently met a demisexual girl (she told me she's demi and was pleasantly surprised that I knew what it is) who met her current partner who's also demi at an anime/manga convention held the University of Oxford three years ago. Of course they didn't know about the concept of demisexuality and thought it completely normal not to want sex till two years after dating. :lol: Then when a mutual friend asked them how they managed to 'save themselves' for so long and they said they weren't even trying just doing what came natural to them that the confusion ensued and they had to run to Google. :D I met my lot at a world music festival. Musicians and dancers tend to have a disproportionate number of bisexuals in general and committment-blasee bisexulas in particular for some reason. 3) Don't get carried away with labels. I see aces here saying "if I only found another ace, etc,etc" but why would they have to be ace by definition? Being a non-libidoist or low-libidoist sexual or a blasee sexual who doesn't mind taking care of their needs by themselves is almost the same as having a fellow asexual. Just becuase someone is sexual by AVEN's definition doesn't mean they have a strong interest in actually having sex. There's some people to whom it's more like a pleasure than a "need". There are also a number of celibate sexuals on this forum that are in a relationship with asexuals. That's my annoying advice over now. :) Link to post Share on other sites
The Great WTF Posted September 10, 2013 Share Posted September 10, 2013 Please do not revive threads that are more than six months old. I will be locking this thread for necromancy. The Great WTF Asexual Relationships Moderator Link to post Share on other sites
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