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Asexuality is a curse, and I wish I didn't have it.


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#1 AceSpace

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Posted 15 June 2012 - 06:15 PM

I have a few people who would be interested in starting a relationship with me.
I have one that would even consider marrying me.
I have a couple people that I am aching to try a relationship with...these are the most painful. I never make a move, because I know it will not work.

I tell the ones that make the first move that I am asexual, and that usually ends things quick.
Sometimes they do the bargaining thing, asking what I define as sex (what they might hope to get out of the relationship besides romance), if maybe I am ok with oral. I tell them no.

Recently I joined okcupid ("Why the hell not? I'll try this out."). I found a guy that was ok with my asexuality (or so I thought) but as we started hanging out he asked what I thought of him physically. I told him he was aesthetically attractive. I asked what he thought of me physically. He said he didn't think of me in that way, since I was asexual...and then the subject of sex comes up. We haven't hung out since. It wasn't a bad conversation, and we both plan on meeting again, but he hasn't asked since and he has gone from texting me all the time to not texting at all.
Which, of course, sends me the message that he finally realized what dating an asexual actually means.

At this point I have given up. I don't think I will ever find someone to share a romantic relationship with.
- I don't want sex of any kind. I am interested in kissing and cuddling but nothing more than that.
- I don't think I could compromise this, even if I tried--I don't want to have sex with my romantic partner.
- Sexual people don't see any reason for a relationship if it doesn't involve sex eventually, and why shouldn't they?

At this point I think that because of this horrible curse called asexuality, I am fated to be alone. And it hurts.
Yes, it feels like a curse that plagues my romantic life. I wish I could change it. I don't want to be asexual, but I can't change it. I hate it.
Best way to describe Asexuality: "Sex is a turn-off for me."

Miami Meetup for South FL Asexuals!! ---> http://www.asexualit..._1#entry2231329

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#2 Tanwen

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Posted 15 June 2012 - 06:26 PM

Even if you were sexual there wouldn't be any guarantee you wouldn't be alone.
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#3 AceSpace

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Posted 15 June 2012 - 06:28 PM

Even if you were sexual there wouldn't be any guarantee you wouldn't be alone.


This is not true for me. If I was sexual, I would have people that I could be with, as I stated in the first part of my OP.
Best way to describe Asexuality: "Sex is a turn-off for me."

Miami Meetup for South FL Asexuals!! ---> http://www.asexualit..._1#entry2231329

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#4 Djeinus

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Posted 15 June 2012 - 06:36 PM

Have you tried Acebook? I heard it's a dating site for asexuals.

But I don't have much to say in relations to you feeling plagued by asexuality, since I've never been there but I do hope you'll get out of that somehow.

#5 AceSpace

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Posted 15 June 2012 - 06:38 PM

Have you tried Acebook? I heard it's a dating site for asexuals.

But I don't have much to say in relations to you feeling plagued by asexuality, since I've never been there but I do hope you'll get out of that somehow.


I could try acebook, but asexuals are so rare that I don't have much hope in finding anyone... I guess I will sign up and see...
Best way to describe Asexuality: "Sex is a turn-off for me."

Miami Meetup for South FL Asexuals!! ---> http://www.asexualit..._1#entry2231329

Are you Floridian? Vote in the poll!! :D http://www.asexualit...27#entry2143527

#6 Nameless123

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Posted 15 June 2012 - 06:38 PM

First of all, I'm sorry to hear about your problems. I know that it can feel like a curse sometimes to be asexual, and I've sometimes had the same feeling that you have when it comes to potential romantic partners - I banish the thought from my head because I know I would then have to explain it all to them and they might not understand/accept it and it would be an all around difficult thing.

But - I've actually met someone right around the time I was figuring out my own asexuality, and he kind of grew into it with me and is fully accepting of it now. So there is hope. I have to say that I do compromise on certain sexual practices, though (which I never thought possible before). However, there're a lot of asexuals here that have sexual partners and also sexuals that have asexual partners that share their experiences about how their relationships work or don't work. It could be helpful to check out those threads.

#7 Em_BR_Ace

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Posted 15 June 2012 - 06:53 PM

Not really related to the subject, but saying "Asexuality is a disease" on a topic title on an asexuality forum isn't that great, imo... I'm pretty sure a lot of aces don't feel sick. I'm not backseat modding or anything, I'm using that to get into the point slowly (I understand you're stating your opinion, not saying that aces are sick).

Do you see yourself as a person with "something missing"? I felt that way for a while and realised that my feelings were pushing people away, not who I am.

I thought that the person I was were the problem, but the real deal was my self image ("I'm not normal", "something is missing", "they'll notice there's something wrong with me", etc.). And that put me in a state of being afraid to get hurt by not meeting their expectations. As in:

"Sexual people don't see any reason for a relationship if it doesn't involve sex eventually, and why shouldn't they?"

I'm not an english speaker, negatives sometimes make me confuse. Are you saying that sexual people don't see a reason for a relationship other than eventual sex? I'm pretty sure that they see, since they make sex without having relationships when looking for eventual sex... You want to be in a relationship without sex, but the idea of their having expectations about sex make you back off. I believe on these forums there're relates about relationships of sexuals and asexuals. That's why I wouldn't call a rule on subject.

Even if your generalization about sexuals is right (it isn't, since sexuals don't always divorce when one partner can't have sex anymore), that would left the asexuals as "relationship material" for you. Maybe dating sexuals isn't your thing, but that doesn't mean that you'll be alone forever...
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#8 AceSpace

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Posted 15 June 2012 - 07:06 PM

I have to say that I do compromise on certain sexual practices, though (which I never thought possible before). However, there're a lot of asexuals here that have sexual partners and also sexuals that have asexual partners that share their experiences about how their relationships work or don't work. It could be helpful to check out those threads.


That's just the thing--the only successful asexual/sexual relationships that I have read about on AVEN all include compromising their sexual activities. I couldn't possibly promise any level of sexual activity with any of my potential partners, which is the reason why I am fated to be alone.
Best way to describe Asexuality: "Sex is a turn-off for me."

Miami Meetup for South FL Asexuals!! ---> http://www.asexualit..._1#entry2231329

Are you Floridian? Vote in the poll!! :D http://www.asexualit...27#entry2143527

#9 Mismatched

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Posted 15 June 2012 - 07:09 PM

If you were sexual, and were able to enter in all of these potential relationships with these sexuals, it doesn't guarantee that the relationship would be successful. What if besides a problem arises separate from sex, how do you know that problem might suddenly make them balk within the relationship?

#10 AceSpace

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Posted 15 June 2012 - 07:24 PM

If you were sexual, and were able to enter in all of these potential relationships with these sexuals, it doesn't guarantee that the relationship would be successful. What if besides a problem arises separate from sex, how do you know that problem might suddenly make them balk within the relationship?


I guess I will never know, because I am not sexual.
Best way to describe Asexuality: "Sex is a turn-off for me."

Miami Meetup for South FL Asexuals!! ---> http://www.asexualit..._1#entry2231329

Are you Floridian? Vote in the poll!! :D http://www.asexualit...27#entry2143527

#11 kimbo21

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Posted 15 June 2012 - 07:26 PM

Even some sexuals have problems in relationships cos one person may have a much higher sex drive. If you want to be in a relationship at some point it will happen. There are 6 billion people in the world I'm sure that there are a handful that would be suitable. Loads of sexual people get divorced too about different things. Sex is part of a marriage bt there are many other aspects which you can connect on, and also break up over. Asexuality is something you are born with, it's not a disease. Yu are probably just frustrated cos its rare and therefore so confusing. Bt try not to worry about something you can't control. You don't choose your sexuality, just like you donkt choose your skin colour, your height or many other things which make you a person. What you can control is how you approach situations and deal with what you have. Negativity is the least attractive thing and self acceptance is one of the most. I am asexual and sometimes I feel a little down about it aswell and wish I could relate to my friends more. However i am not going to feel bad about how I was born and neither should you

#12 Echoes~

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Posted 15 June 2012 - 07:27 PM

It is true that sex is a huge part of relationships, but if you are looking for that perfect guy, keep trying, don't sell yourself short. There is someone out there who fits what you want in a person so don't give up until you can find them. Easier said than done I know. But try me for example, I had one heck of a time finding a girlfriend, sex for me is optional, can go either way but have no real interest in it, but I am not comfortable around people with alcohol or drugs OR people who enjoy parties, I really don't want a partner who enjoys alcohol or partying...which is like 98% of the people I know or have met.
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#13 Kelsea

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Posted 15 June 2012 - 07:32 PM

I've struggled with a lot of these same feelings. Statistically speaking, our chance of finding a suitable romantic partner seems to be much smaller than the average person's.

And personally I've just come to accept the fact that I'm most likely going to remain single for the rest of my life. I choose to be okay with that, but that's just me.

But another way of looking at it is to embrace the idea of 'soulmates' - that for every person on this planet, there is someone out there who is meant for them. And that way, instead of other people being able to date 99% of the population, and you being able to date 1%... You actually have the same probability of finding your soulmate as everyone else does, because there is exactly one person out there who is 'right' for you.

Not sure if I believe in that theory myself (see above!) but maybe that helps...? *hugs*

#14 Great Thief Yatagarasu

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Posted 15 June 2012 - 07:48 PM

Dude, it's not a disease, any more than being gay is. You can view it as a curse if you really must - but since there are people here who are ACTUALLY being forced to go through different tests and mental screenings because the people they've come out to have assumed they're ill, then that's really not the kind of comparison you make. Just a heads up right there.

Sometimes, relationships work. Sometimes they don't. And sometimes asexuality plays a part in that, and other times it doesn't have an impact at all. If a guy backs off because he "suddenly realised what dating an asexual would be like", then that's his loss for placing sex as being more important than your relationship. I know it sounds silly, but I honestly believe in the phrase "As long as you're looking, there's someone out there for you" (I add "as long as you're looking" because some people aren't interested, which is fair enough) - you're not going to be forever alone. As long as you believe you're not, then you're not - there's no use in assuming that your life is over when there are ways of getting around this.
"I think for the most part I feel asexual, which is a kind like you are not completely attracted to either men or women, is in between spaces which is almost as to be bisexual, because you don't have a real choice. I've been with men, of course, but I love women so much (and you can see it on stage) ...and that's what men think: "oh, this is what women do?" that doesn't make me a lesbian, it's just what happened. But at the same time there's a part that I don't like, and is to don't be on only one side, because it makes me confused. And often I watch all from the outside, and I watch all as it is fine, and I respect it." - Emilie Autumn

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#15 aces_wild

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Posted 15 June 2012 - 07:57 PM


Have you tried Acebook? I heard it's a dating site for asexuals.

But I don't have much to say in relations to you feeling plagued by asexuality, since I've never been there but I do hope you'll get out of that somehow.


I could try acebook, but asexuals are so rare that I don't have much hope in finding anyone... I guess I will sign up and see...

@ExploringReal, yes asexuals are rare but put it in perspective. The statistic that is often tossed about is that 1% of the world's population is asexual. Let's assume that is accurate across the board.

I see from some of your other posts that you live in SE Florida, which to me means Broward/Miami-Dade/Palm Beach counties. I have recently been working on a project that has required me to immerse myself in demographic data pertaining to SE Florida. There are about 4.4 million adults in those three counties. One percent of that is 44,000. That's still a lot of people. I suspect there is a potential long-term asexual companion for almost everyone who wants one.:)

#16 AceSpace

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Posted 15 June 2012 - 08:02 PM

What you can control is how you approach situations and deal with what you have. Negativity is the least attractive thing and self acceptance is one of the most. I am asexual and sometimes I feel a little down about it aswell and wish I could relate to my friends more. However i am not going to feel bad about how I was born and neither should you


The thing is that I have been positive and optimistic about my orientation until now. I'm pretty self-confidant usually, and even if I am not I still try to hold my head high.
But this recent thing that happened to me was the last straw. I am so fed up with not being able to connect with ppl on a deep level JUST BECAUSE I don't want sex. Things would be easier if I was sexual. I hate what I am, and I don't want it to be who I am.

There is someone out there who fits what you want in a person so don't give up until you can find them. Easier said than done I know. But try me for example, I had one heck of a time finding a girlfriend, sex for me is optional, can go either way but have no real interest in it, but I am not comfortable around people with alcohol or drugs OR people who enjoy parties, I really don't want a partner who enjoys alcohol or partying...which is like 98% of the people I know or have met.


How long did it take for you to find that someone and how did you cope? Do you compromise sexually for this person?

I've struggled with a lot of these same feelings. Statistically speaking, our chance of finding a suitable romantic partner seems to be much smaller than the average person's.

And personally I've just come to accept the fact that I'm most likely going to remain single for the rest of my life. I choose to be okay with that, but that's just me.

But another way of looking at it is to embrace the idea of 'soulmates' - that for every person on this planet, there is someone out there who is meant for them. And that way, instead of other people being able to date 99% of the population, and you being able to date 1%... You actually have the same probability of finding your soulmate as everyone else does, because there is exactly one person out there who is 'right' for you.

Not sure if I believe in that theory myself (see above!) but maybe that helps...? *hugs*


That is what is so daunting--the statistics.
I've been ok with being single for most of my life, until recently. Maybe it is because I have a strong attraction to this one close friend, and I know it could never work, and it is frustrating. I would like to experience a romantic relationship where I don't feel the pressure of sex for ONCE in my life.
But that %1 thing is an interesting perspective to have... thank you for your advice...

Dude, it's not a disease, any more than being gay is. You can view it as a curse if you really must - but since there are people here who are ACTUALLY being forced to go through different tests and mental screenings because the people they've come out to have assumed they're ill, then that's really not the kind of comparison you make. Just a heads up right there.

...As long as you believe you're not, then you're not - there's no use in assuming that your life is over when there are ways of getting around this.


I changed the title...

What ways can I get around this?
Best way to describe Asexuality: "Sex is a turn-off for me."

Miami Meetup for South FL Asexuals!! ---> http://www.asexualit..._1#entry2231329

Are you Floridian? Vote in the poll!! :D http://www.asexualit...27#entry2143527

#17 Great Thief Yatagarasu

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Posted 15 June 2012 - 09:12 PM


Dude, it's not a disease, any more than being gay is. You can view it as a curse if you really must - but since there are people here who are ACTUALLY being forced to go through different tests and mental screenings because the people they've come out to have assumed they're ill, then that's really not the kind of comparison you make. Just a heads up right there.

...As long as you believe you're not, then you're not - there's no use in assuming that your life is over when there are ways of getting around this.


I changed the title...

What ways can I get around this?


By finding someone who genuinely doesn't mind that you're asexual. They exist. My boyfriend was perfectly willing to not have sex with me if it was what made me happy, and I know my sister's been with her boyfriend for two and a half years without having sex (as far as I know - and neither of them are asexual!), so it's entirely possible to find people like this that you can share your life with. And there are probably loads of asexual people who you'd get along swimmingly with. The possibilities, my friend, are endless. :D
"I think for the most part I feel asexual, which is a kind like you are not completely attracted to either men or women, is in between spaces which is almost as to be bisexual, because you don't have a real choice. I've been with men, of course, but I love women so much (and you can see it on stage) ...and that's what men think: "oh, this is what women do?" that doesn't make me a lesbian, it's just what happened. But at the same time there's a part that I don't like, and is to don't be on only one side, because it makes me confused. And often I watch all from the outside, and I watch all as it is fine, and I respect it." - Emilie Autumn

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#18 Kitty Spoon Train

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Posted 15 June 2012 - 09:46 PM

By finding someone who genuinely doesn't mind that you're asexual. They exist. My boyfriend was perfectly willing to not have sex with me if it was what made me happy, and I know my sister's been with her boyfriend for two and a half years without having sex (as far as I know - and neither of them are asexual!), so it's entirely possible to find people like this that you can share your life with. And there are probably loads of asexual people who you'd get along swimmingly with. The possibilities, my friend, are endless. :D


This.

Personally though, I'm in an annoying grey area where I'm demisexual and thus not sure that I could really sign away on sex for life, eg. By marrying a "full" ace. On the other hand, the expectation of sex too soon in dating (as well as sex being seen as a major "make or break" component of a relationship in general) is an even bigger deal breaker for me.

I'm far more affectionate than sexual, so when I see something like the OP, I actually get a bit warm and fuzzy at the thought of being with someone affectionate-but-ace.

I guess a huge part of me is Romantic Asexual, and even when my feelings for someone do get sexualised, I like to think it wouldn't be a deal breaker if she was a total ace - and still wanted to keep the relationship on a totally RA level. I mean, there are a million compromises that have to be made in relationships, and I'm increasingly coming to the conclusion that this is one I'd be prepared to make, with the right person.

So anyway, yeah, all hope is not lost. :)

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#19 PerfectlyDarkTails

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Posted 15 June 2012 - 10:01 PM

Well... I find my asexuality as a blessing, rather than a curse. Although I don't have any desires for partnered relationships. I could compromise for any romance or sex, if someone is interested. I could probably pass as a sexual, it would probably be quite tricky to find someone that places no emotional, no romantic or sexual commitment. I also have an OKCupid page that I visit to gauge who could be out there.

#20 Lady Heartilly

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Posted 16 June 2012 - 01:46 AM

I can totally relate to what the OP is saying. For the longest time, it was my dream to find someone I'm deeply in love with and get married. Now, I don't think that's going to happen anymore. It seems like every time a guy says he's fine with me being asexual at first always has a problem with it later. I'm not saying they're lying to me. I'm sure they really do like me and think they can be with me without ever having sex. However, after a few months, the physical urges always seem to come up beyond their control, and there's nothing that can be done about it. I've learned to just be happy with my job, my great friends, and my family, and stop wishing for things that may never happen. However, I do still have my dream wedding dress bookmarked on my web browser just in case. :lol: Even if I never get married, it's still nice to look at and imagine.
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#21 Touchofinsight

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Posted 16 June 2012 - 10:22 AM

I have a few people who would be interested in starting a relationship with me.
I have one that would even consider marrying me.
I have a couple people that I am aching to try a relationship with...these are the most painful. I never make a move, because I know it will not work.

I tell the ones that make the first move that I am asexual, and that usually ends things quick.
Sometimes they do the bargaining thing, asking what I define as sex (what they might hope to get out of the relationship besides romance), if maybe I am ok with oral. I tell them no.

Recently I joined okcupid ("Why the hell not? I'll try this out."). I found a guy that was ok with my asexuality (or so I thought) but as we started hanging out he asked what I thought of him physically. I told him he was aesthetically attractive. I asked what he thought of me physically. He said he didn't think of me in that way, since I was asexual...and then the subject of sex comes up. We haven't hung out since. It wasn't a bad conversation, and we both plan on meeting again, but he hasn't asked since and he has gone from texting me all the time to not texting at all.
Which, of course, sends me the message that he finally realized what dating an asexual actually means.

At this point I have given up. I don't think I will ever find someone to share a romantic relationship with.
- I don't want sex of any kind. I am interested in kissing and cuddling but nothing more than that.
- I don't think I could compromise this, even if I tried--I don't want to have sex with my romantic partner.
- Sexual people don't see any reason for a relationship if it doesn't involve sex eventually, and why shouldn't they?

At this point I think that because of this horrible curse called asexuality, I am fated to be alone. And it hurts.
Yes, it feels like a curse that plagues my romantic life. I wish I could change it. I don't want to be asexual, but I can't change it. I hate it.



It won't work because you have given up, you can wallow in your sorrow and pity your self all you want and the world will continue spinning. Is dating while not compromising your asexual principles difficult, of course. Impossible, no. You have made the decision whether your aware of it or not that it isn't worth the effort to date as an asexual. My words may sound harsh but that is because it is the truth (solely based on the information from your post). I always do my best to be constructive with my criticism but this is all I see in this post.

However there are other choices here you can look for as well. You haven't even considered the benefits of not having an active dating life and seen through that perspective. So when you can come to terms with your situation and move on there a lot of things to consider. Most people who end up in happy long lasting constructive relationships are happy before their partner entered their life and no one else is going to or can make you happy. Do some soul searching and some philosophical pondering on your life and you can easily overcome this mentality.

Best of luck

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#22 Aspiecat

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Posted 16 June 2012 - 11:32 AM

Exploring,

I'm not sure if my response is going to help you in any way, and others have already given you a plethora of advice. However, here goes...

I was the same as you, but, being of the generation that came into adulthood with asexuality still a good way from being defined, I thought I would eventually like sex. Surely, the pain - mental and physical - the fear and the downright distaste of the act would aaaaalllll disappear, and I'd be "normal".

Well, roll onto the end of 2010 when I learned there was most likely a name for the feelings and tendencies I had: asexuality. I was at once curious, intrigued and relieved. I told my husband, who proceeded to inform me I was yet again crazy and 'needed help' to like sex, not grasp at some 'hippy excuse'. We have since separated (for a number of reasons, but this is one - for both of us).

So...roll a bit further on in time, to the very beginning of 2012, when I fall in love for the first time in my life - with a fellow AVENite, who (thank goodness!) returns those feelings. We have plans to eventually be together, but in the meantime we revel in the fact we will be perfectly happy being in a non-sexual relationship. Interestingly, both of us have decided we might attempt physical intimacy, as, after discussing it, we believe it might be different for us this time. We *are* attracted to each other, but in many, many ways, including sexually.

This must be countered with the comment that the thought of engaging in any physical intimacy with anyone else makes my skin crawl - even holding hands and cuddling. I have never liked being touched, yet I see my SO and I doing so, and it makes me smile. You see, we have an intellectual and emotional connection that seems to have changed our "aceness" - but only with each other, not with anyone else.

So, believe me, there CAN be someone 'out there' for you. It took me 43 years to find this person and we are over 24,000 km apart, but we still found each other. We are constantly amazed at how good it feels to have discovered our true 'other half', and cannot wait until we meet IRL. If physical intimacy works between us, great - if it doesn't, no matter. We have so much of interest between us and will be more than happy with that!

As I said, Exploring, not sure if this has helped at all, but just letting you know that perhaps there is someone for you, that one person who is perfect for you, and whether or not sex plays a part of the relationship is another wee beastie altogether.

Good luck!
Aspie

#23 Nameless123

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Posted 16 June 2012 - 11:49 AM


I have to say that I do compromise on certain sexual practices, though (which I never thought possible before). However, there're a lot of asexuals here that have sexual partners and also sexuals that have asexual partners that share their experiences about how their relationships work or don't work. It could be helpful to check out those threads.


That's just the thing--the only successful asexual/sexual relationships that I have read about on AVEN all include compromising their sexual activities. I couldn't possibly promise any level of sexual activity with any of my potential partners, which is the reason why I am fated to be alone.

I know where you're coming from, and I didn't believe I would be able to compromise, either (and I didn't promise my sexual partner anything on that front), but after a while I found myself willing to do certain things. I'm not saying that the same thing will happen to you, but it's a possibility.

#24 Futz le Muskrat

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Posted 16 June 2012 - 12:27 PM

I could try acebook, but asexuals are so rare that I don't have much hope in finding anyone... I guess I will sign up and see...

Well, we do have quite a few peopple here from Florida, so I would say you have a better chance of finding someone close. As far as being alone, I hope you do find someone.

I myself have often wished I had no feelings for wanting a relationship at all and was aromantic, but eventually, I did meet someone, and so far, it is working out, though we have never met and won't for some time, I am happy.

Please do not give up.

#25 LazyShade

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Posted 17 June 2012 - 09:42 PM

Asexuality suits me, as I've always wanted to be alone. I think that if I was a sexual I still wouldn't be in many relationships simply because I wouldn't want to be.
  • honor is all likes this

#26 Blunderbuss

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Posted 18 June 2012 - 05:41 PM

I have had these feelings before. Now I push them aside and ignore them. I can never possibly get over them, so I overlay them with something else. I can't tell you it gets better. I can only tell you I managed to go on, be strong and stop thinking of it, I managed to let it destroy me from the inside while I don't notice it. I don't know though if I should recommend my way of coping with it.

But from where I stand now, this only reminds me of a song called Blessed With A Curse. Successful displacement, I call this.

#27 Lady Heartilly

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Posted 19 June 2012 - 01:38 AM



I have to say that I do compromise on certain sexual practices, though (which I never thought possible before). However, there're a lot of asexuals here that have sexual partners and also sexuals that have asexual partners that share their experiences about how their relationships work or don't work. It could be helpful to check out those threads.


That's just the thing--the only successful asexual/sexual relationships that I have read about on AVEN all include compromising their sexual activities. I couldn't possibly promise any level of sexual activity with any of my potential partners, which is the reason why I am fated to be alone.

I know where you're coming from, and I didn't believe I would be able to compromise, either (and I didn't promise my sexual partner anything on that front), but after a while I found myself willing to do certain things. I'm not saying that the same thing will happen to you, but it's a possibility.


In regards to this, I was willing to do certain things too because I didn't want to lose the love of my life, but he refused to let me because he knew that even though I was willing to, I still didn't want to, so he dumped me. On the other hand, I'm not sure I would have stayed with him for very long if he did agree to let me go through with it even though I clearly didn't want to because I would have felt he was being inconsiderate of my needs. It's kind of a lose/lose situation. Still, I wish he had let me at least try until we found something that could have worked for both of us.
Once upon a time, in a faraway land, there was a beautiful princess who lived happily ever after. What makes her happy? Well, that's entirely up to her.

#28 kimbo21

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Posted 19 June 2012 - 10:31 AM

Exploring,

I'm not sure if my response is going to help you in any way, and others have already given you a plethora of advice. However, here goes...

I was the same as you, but, being of the generation that came into adulthood with asexuality still a good way from being defined, I thought I would eventually like sex. Surely, the pain - mental and physical - the fear and the downright distaste of the act would aaaaalllll disappear, and I'd be "normal".

Well, roll onto the end of 2010 when I learned there was most likely a name for the feelings and tendencies I had: asexuality. I was at once curious, intrigued and relieved. I told my husband, who proceeded to inform me I was yet again crazy and 'needed help' to like sex, not grasp at some 'hippy excuse'. We have since separated (for a number of reasons, but this is one - for both of us).

So...roll a bit further on in time, to the very beginning of 2012, when I fall in love for the first time in my life - with a fellow AVENite, who (thank goodness!) returns those feelings. We have plans to eventually be together, but in the meantime we revel in the fact we will be perfectly happy being in a non-sexual relationship. Interestingly, both of us have decided we might attempt physical intimacy, as, after discussing it, we believe it might be different for us this time. We *are* attracted to each other, but in many, many ways, including sexually.

This must be countered with the comment that the thought of engaging in any physical intimacy with anyone else makes my skin crawl - even holding hands and cuddling. I have never liked being touched, yet I see my SO and I doing so, and it makes me smile. You see, we have an intellectual and emotional connection that seems to have changed our "aceness" - but only with each other, not with anyone else.

So, believe me, there CAN be someone 'out there' for you. It took me 43 years to find this person and we are over 24,000 km apart, but we still found each other. We are constantly amazed at how good it feels to have discovered our true 'other half', and cannot wait until we meet IRL. If physical intimacy works between us, great - if it doesn't, no matter. We have so much of interest between us and will be more than happy with that!

As I said, Exploring, not sure if this has helped at all, but just letting you know that perhaps there is someone for you, that one person who is perfect for you, and whether or not sex plays a part of the relationship is another wee beastie altogether.

Good luck!
Aspie

this is a really nice story :)

#29 Blue Diamond

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Posted 19 June 2012 - 12:54 PM

I have a few people who would be interested in starting a relationship with me.
I have one that would even consider marrying me.
I have a couple people that I am aching to try a relationship with...these are the most painful. I never make a move, because I know it will not work.

I tell the ones that make the first move that I am asexual, and that usually ends things quick.
Sometimes they do the bargaining thing, asking what I define as sex (what they might hope to get out of the relationship besides romance), if maybe I am ok with oral. I tell them no.

Recently I joined okcupid ("Why the hell not? I'll try this out."). I found a guy that was ok with my asexuality (or so I thought) but as we started hanging out he asked what I thought of him physically. I told him he was aesthetically attractive. I asked what he thought of me physically. He said he didn't think of me in that way, since I was asexual...and then the subject of sex comes up. We haven't hung out since. It wasn't a bad conversation, and we both plan on meeting again, but he hasn't asked since and he has gone from texting me all the time to not texting at all.
Which, of course, sends me the message that he finally realized what dating an asexual actually means.

At this point I have given up. I don't think I will ever find someone to share a romantic relationship with.
- I don't want sex of any kind. I am interested in kissing and cuddling but nothing more than that.
- I don't think I could compromise this, even if I tried--I don't want to have sex with my romantic partner.
- Sexual people don't see any reason for a relationship if it doesn't involve sex eventually, and why shouldn't they?

At this point I think that because of this horrible curse called asexuality, I am fated to be alone. And it hurts.
Yes, it feels like a curse that plagues my romantic life. I wish I could change it. I don't want to be asexual, but I can't change it. I hate it.


I know...asexual curse is among the most horrible curse of human.
You cannot destroy that curse and there's only 1 way to move that curse to another person.
All you need to do is to hug the sexual person you wanna move the curse to and read the spell loudly "oh oh oh oh oh oh oh oh"...
After 10 minutes, that sexual person will become asexual...

#30 AceSpace

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Posted 21 June 2012 - 01:40 AM

So what I have gathered from reading this thread...

If an asexual finds a sexual that they are comfortable compromising their orientation with, then happy ending for them!

But if you are an asexual who does not want sex, then NO CAKE FOR YOU. Learn how to deal with it, or learn how to spread your legs like everyone else. <_<
Best way to describe Asexuality: "Sex is a turn-off for me."

Miami Meetup for South FL Asexuals!! ---> http://www.asexualit..._1#entry2231329

Are you Floridian? Vote in the poll!! :D http://www.asexualit...27#entry2143527




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