What am I (horny, but don't want to have sex)

[Ottawadude]

Dear all,

I am posting a message here, as I am very confused about my sexual identity and I don't know where to turn to to get answers. I have been having a hard time finding information or stories about people like me. If you have more knowledge than me, I'd be greatful if you could share.

Okay, so I watch porn all the time and masturbate scary often. I feel attracted to both women and men, but I am less picky about the men to which I can be attracted to. I find a very small percentage of women sexually attractive (only the very hot ones). When I am not horny, I couldn't care less about anything somehow related to sex (once I have masturbated). If someone gave me the opportunity to have sex with men from the porn movies I watch, I wouldn't or maybe I would out of curiosity one time, but not out of desire. Once I even went to a strip club and paid for a few private lap dances. I didn't get an erection. There were no gay strip club in the town I lived in at the time so I went to a straight one. I am pretty sure the ladies over there would have caused me to have an erection in from of my computer. Since I was personally involved, it suddenly made no sense and I only felt a strong feeling of akwarness. No sexual desire at all. I am now 24 and I've never really dated. I don't especially want to. I have trouble understanding why people choose to be in couple or even worse base their whole life around that... I have kissed only one girl and I sometimes still have nightmares about it (no joke) (was 6 years ago). I found the experience disgusting and I wouldn't want to try again, man or woman! So imagine how interested in having sex I am.

I find it weird that I personally can't have sex (I say can't because of course, I'd prefer to be like everybody else!), but that I still feel the physiological need to masturbate and that I quite enjoy watching porn ( but that I would never want to do anything I see on those movies). I have no interest and it scares me. What turns me on the most is watching a man have sex with a woman, maybe because subconsciously I'd want to be that man and live a perfect normal life and experience what everybody else do?

I thought I had finally found an answer when I discovered asexuality, but I don't think I fit with even you. What am I left with? I am pretty sure I will never have sex, or I might try once, but I'm sure I won't enjoy it. I still do lust over naked bodies and like to have fun on my own and in privacy. To me, sex is something personal that I wouldn't want to physically share with anyone.

I've read a little about autosexuality, but I'm not sure what it is.

Could I be a little bisexual, but a little gay and a little asexual but autosexual as well?

Please help a lost soul...

[herpaderderderderder]

If you experience sexual attraction and don't want sex, maybe you're celibate.

[5_♦♣]

Autosexuality is self gratification, rather than getting sexual gratification from a partner. And yes, you can be gay and autosexual. Though of course, I can't define you.

[Chanels]

We're in the same boat. I consider myself asexual because I am not attracted sexually to other people, but I enjoy porn and masturbation. I posted about it at LiveJournal here and there was a bit of debate, but from what you've said I think you are asexual and autosexual. I'll paste my post so you can see if you want to read the rest at LJ.

sex and asexuality

I've been trying to diagnose myself for a while and offhand typed in 'asexual or nonsexual' to see if I could find a definition of the differences between the two, and this site was top of the list.

My query, which hopefully you can help me with, is; can I identify as asexual, even though I love sex?

I like porn, love reading pwp fanfic (mainly slash) and have special me-time a few times a week. However, I've never been sexually attracted to anyone. ever.

I'm not interested in meeting someone and can't imagine actually having sex with someone. Or spending my life with anyone, sex or no. I have a perfectly healthy sex drive (I think). I have no childhood drama, all my sisters are happily married with kids and I don't consider that there's anything wrong with me, I just don't think that guy from the movie Thor is sexy unless he's having sex with the guy from Captain America and even then I don't want to have sex with either of them.

I've always thought of myself as asexual, but these days that seems more synonymous with non-sexual, which I don't consider myself to be. Any help???

***

The other posters were very helpful.

[Janus the Fox]

For one lost soul to another. I have a few things that you do describe. I use the gray area to define my rare bisexual attractions and no sexual drive. I am also quite the curious type as well, but I lack any drive to fulfill it. Indeed if I had any chance for sex the first time at least I'll take it. 

I don't watch much porn anymore as I don't get stimulation from it that often, on those rare times it is man on man stuff, emphasizing in the bottom guy as that is where my curiosities are.

You've gone through a lot of labels, I was the same when I first discovered AVEN. Go unlabeled for a while to see what actual feelings that you do have. Go with feelings, not labels.

Oh and welcome from another 24 year old male  

[777777777]

I also use the grey area, identifying a a Grey-homosexual; I don't want to have sex, and seeing the act of sex disgusts me, touching other people in general freaks me out, and yet, I still feel sexual attraction towards individual guys; I just don't want to see them have sex, nor do I want to have sex with them.

[jmickey317]

Could I be a little bisexual, but a little gay and a little asexual but autosexual as well?

Please help a lost soul...

That's a lotta labels you got there dude. I sort of agree with that other 24yr old guy, I know it's probably unnerving and quite scary not knowing what you are but try to chill with the labels for a bit. Maybe stop trying to "fix" it, y'know? As far as I've seen around here there are lots of people who are aroused by certain things on paper or film that don't translate to reality. If you're not sexually attracted to another person you'd fit the definition of asexuality. No matter what you like to do with your own dick. That said, you could also be demisexual, having not yet gotten close enough to someone to know. You could be aromantic if you never want to get close enough to find out. :) You really have to just go with whatever feels comfortable for you.

But as long as you feel comfortable here you're certainly welcome to vent and complain and question. That's what we're here for! Welcome. And have some .

[Atriums]

Very interesting post.. I dont know the difference between all these titles like autosexual or genderqueer etc.

In my mind its a simple as:

interested in sex with a partner?

yes: homo/heterosexual.

No: Asexual.

I prefer not to get into the details about it, since each and every person has their own set of circumstances, and although it might seem like one thing, it could be another and so on.. and then before you know it you'll identify with one label and try to live up to it.. and then end up being confused even MORE if you dont.. Its just all too confusing.

Ill give you a case and point example of why I say that:

I dont want a relationship with a man - not even an ace.. nothing. Im just not interested. I would love a girlfriend, preferably ace like me, just to hang out with, cuddle and have around etc.

As for porn and stuff, I can only get turned on by 'forbidden fruit' so to speak. Because mainstream media and even internet porn ALWAYS exploit women (boobs/ass etc everywhere, but not a penis in sight) there's just nothing forbidden about it at all. Its everywhere. So Im intrigued by voyeurism on guys.. watching them do their thing. Only the attractive ones though, and I always wonder WHY they do it? Expose themselves and be vulnerable like that. Im ashamed to say, but in the past I even once faked a facebook account so I could have a sexual conversation with a guy I knew a few years ago from high school. Not to shame him - to this day he doesnt know, and I wont ever tell anyone. I deleted all the explicit pics he sent to me after my curiosity was sated. It makes me feel disgusting and horrible and I hated myself for doing it, but the added thrill of doing that with someone that knows you.. someone you see from time to time.. that trusts you enough to share that part of himself with you.. thats what turned me on. the thrill of the forbidden.

I dont want them sexually. The thought of homosexual sex (ANY sex for that matter) repulses me.

Does that make me gay? Not in my opinion. Bisexual? Straight? None of those either.

It makes me interested in the forbidden. It would be unfair to label myself as anything other.

You masturbate because your hormones tell you to. What you visualize while doing it is irrelevant. My visions may be perverse and wrong, but the same can be said of anything else people do... s&m, bondage etc. Dont feel bad about it, and dont judge yourself too harshly.

[MadRat]

The important thing is: are you really sexually attracted to people? Or is it only aesthetical attraction?

You can be asexual and have libido, so you want to masturbate but don´t want to have sex with other people.

[1Eleven1]

I'm similar in the sense that I have no attraction to sex and I don't find sex arousing, but I can still be aroused. I've always considered myself romantic asexual since I joined the forum and put it that way, though I'm not sure if there's a "better term" for it.