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Develop crushes on people you know you can't have?


Bellaitalia

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Bellaitalia

So I was just wondering how common it is for all of you to develop crushes on people that are impossible to date or "hard to get". I find myself liking guys with girlfriends, bc I am able to get closer and feel more comfortable around them. And also guys that are players and aren't the relationship type. I HATE myself for being this way, bc I always end up getting hurt. I get completely infatuated with these guys only to get let down and a significant drop in my self esteem. It's like a vicious cycle...and I completely reject those who are super interested and are overly nice to me. I don't get it at all. I'm only sexually attracted VERY rarely and it's with the guys who I know wont be "too" into me or clingy. I don't know why I am so afraid of intimacy and have issues with space. Can anyone else relate or try to explain?

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Ase of Spades

I'm a weird variation of the "want what you can't have" attraction because I always get crushes and squishes on fictional characters. :lol: I almost never get crushes on actual people (Though I'm sure part of that is due to being partially on the aromantic spectrum), but when it comes to characters from cartoons or played by actors, I get attached ridiculously easily.

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AlexisMorgan

I'm a weird variation of the "want what you can't have" attraction because I always get crushes and squishes on fictional characters. :lol: I almost never get crushes on actual people (Though I'm sure part of that is due to being partially on the aromantic spectrum), but when it comes to characters from cartoons or played by actors, I get attached ridiculously easily.

Omg, everything you just said = mutual by me >_< hehe

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It happens when it happens (rarely), if we know each other well enough. For me it doesn't have anything to do with how "attainable" they are

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Notte stellata

It happened to me quite a lot in the past. I tend to be attracted to older and mature guys, so I had crushes on my teachers or married guy friends several times. Some of these crushes were more like squishes actually, because I didn't really desire a romantic relationship with them, but the feelings were still very intense. I think part of me enjoyed such unrequited love to a certain degree: I wouldn't confess my feelings to them, so I wouldn't take the risk of their rejection either. It's simpler this way.

For me, I think I tend to get to caught up in fantasies (NOT sexual ones) of what I want... and when I find someone I can project those desires onto, someone who fits a decent portion of what I feel I'm looking for, my mind gets carried away.

I think I was somewhat like this too.

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Chickenpede

Yup, mostly fictional characters (especially robotic ones). But it's not really much of a crush or squish, since I don't really want a relationship with them; I'd rather BE them, if that makes any sense. It's a weird kind of admiration, and very unattainable.

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Crushes on inaccessible people are a rule for me.

I think it might be a subconscious defence mechanism which prevents me from getting hurt and disappointed more than I can get hurt by one-sided love.

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Bellaitalia

CBC girl: you said that you really like the fantasies played in your head and if they would like you you wouldnt know what to do. You hit the nail on the head bc I am the same exact way. All of the desire just goes away and I decide I don't like them anymore. I guess I just feel that it can't live up to my fantasy or if it's not going the way I pictured it to, then I just think I don't like them anymore. I also think I'm just afraid of the unknown. I'm afraid of expressing my love both sexually and romantically...although I am romantic it would just take some time for me to get used to it or find the right guy.

Madrat: I thought about that defense thing as well. However, I still find myself getting caught up in ao many emotions if the guy doesn't text me back or something weird. I automatically freak out and get all upset over and think that there must be a reason why he doesn't like me. I enjoy playing little games trying to figure out if the guy likes me--I love the thrill of the chase and the mystery. But then once it's over, I get bored and want someone else. Why do i do this? Its like a natural high I get from being undulated with someone.

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Great Thief Yatagarasu

My current boyfriend used to be "unattainable", but lucky for me the situation between us was different and he was patient enough to wait until I was ready to date him. :D

Before that, though, there was this guy in high school. He was handsome, popular, funny, nice, and talented - good God, I could have listened to him play piano for hours, if I could. Too bad for me that he was unattainable - not because he kept getting girlfriends (although he did that too), but because I was such a nobody and he was so goddamn cool that he would never have looked at me that way. Ever. And it hurt, and I became really fucking bitter about it. The bitterness has mostly gone now, but for a while I'd given up on being in a relationship, or even trying to pursue one, because I thought I wasn't good enough for anyone.

You need to calm down. Don't think too much about it - just let these things happen. If he isn't attainable? Don't be angry or upset, because these things just happen sometimes. Eventually, you'll find someone who wants you just as much as you want them, but until then you need to relax and be patient.

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I guess I basically answered this in your other thread. :)

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I usually only have crushes on fictional characters. I don't feel bad about finding pictures of them on the internet and if I have a sexual fantasy with one, then I don't feel guilty about invading their privacy afterwards.

However, I've had a few crushes on a few people. After a few years of not having any remotely fuzzy feelings for anyone I knew personally, I figured it was over. So wrong. I guess I really do have a thing for people I can't have, because when I went back to school for the semester I had the biggest crush on a teacher- and I didn't even have him for class anymore! Whenever I was actually his student, I didn't give two craps about him, but suddenly I can only see him in the halls and BAM. Being that hard to find AND forbidden? Recipe for instant attraction.

I also developed a crush on someone who I met online, but I'm not sure that counts since we've never actually met.

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UnicornLady

I'm a weird variation of the "want what you can't have" attraction because I always get crushes and squishes on fictional characters. :lol: I almost never get crushes on actual people (Though I'm sure part of that is due to being partially on the aromantic spectrum), but when it comes to characters from cartoons or played by actors, I get attached ridiculously easily.

With me, they tend to be dead or fictional. I'm a historian, so it's an occupational hazard. I have a whole harem of historical and literary characters...
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Goldberry

It happened to me quite a lot in the past. I tend to be attracted to older and mature guys, so I had crushes on my teachers or married guy friends several times. Some of these crushes were more like squishes actually, because I didn't really desire a romantic relationship with them, but the feelings were still very intense. I think part of me enjoyed such unrequited love to a certain degree: I wouldn't confess my feelings to them, so I wouldn't take the risk of their rejection either. It's simpler this way.

Yes.

But for the first time I have a crush on someone---*dun dun dun* my own age! But in fact...he's two years younger than me!

It seems highly dubious that he'd ever date me. Seems totally uninterested. As vague friends I guess we work, sort of. Actually, I'm starting to realize that's perfect for me because I don't really want to "date" anyone anyway. I don't even know if I'd call it a crush...more of an intrigue...?

One definite thing is that I'm an artist, so I certainly have fantasies of creating portraits of people I admire that highlight how charming or attractive I find them, but I've never really done this. That could seem creepy to non-artists...

But I wanna draw this guy so BAD! :lol:

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I'm a weird variation of the "want what you can't have" attraction because I always get crushes and squishes on fictional characters. :lol: I almost never get crushes on actual people (Though I'm sure part of that is due to being partially on the aromantic spectrum), but when it comes to characters from cartoons or played by actors, I get attached ridiculously easily.

I feel exactly the same.

Actually, I feel that I'm kind of weird in that once I find out someone I "like" had a boyfriend or likes someone else or something like that then I'm immediately "turned off" and stop liking them. But with fictional characters it's different. Even if the character is romantically involved with another character then you can just live vicariously through that and imagine yourself in the story.

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asdfghjkl

So I was just wondering how common it is for all of you to develop crushes on people that are impossible to date or "hard to get". I find myself liking guys with girlfriends, bc I am able to get closer and feel more comfortable around them. And also guys that are players and aren't the relationship type. I HATE myself for being this way, bc I always end up getting hurt. I get completely infatuated with these guys only to get let down and a significant drop in my self esteem. It's like a vicious cycle...and I completely reject those who are super interested and are overly nice to me. I don't get it at all. I'm only sexually attracted VERY rarely and it's with the guys who I know wont be "too" into me or clingy. I don't know why I am so afraid of intimacy and have issues with space. Can anyone else relate or try to explain?

Well, I DEFINITELY can't begin to explain, but I can relate.

The only guy I've had those super giddy infatuation-like feelings for in I'd say the past five years is exactly like the guys you're describing. I've been in two relationships, and I didn't feel much for either of the guys I was with, compared to the guy I did like.

At the end of my first relationship, I thought I had it all figured out. I realized that I wasn't all that into my boyfriend, who was obsessed with me, because he was really clingy and really jealous.

But then, last year, I had a boyfriend who was just as into me as the first one, but gave me so much space. He wasn't even sorta jealous. He was pretty much perfect but I still just wasn't that into him.

Like I said, I've only been REALLY into this guy who's a complete player, and he used me countless times.

I mean, I hate myself for being that way too. I dunno what the deal is.

I sorta feel comforted finding someone who's the same way, though, so thanks.

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VanishingLady

I also have a history of crushes on fictional characters: Sherlock Holmes, Mike from The Monkees (his character, not necessarily Mike Nesmith himself), etc. I also have odd crushes (Zdeno Chara from the Boston Bruins, anyone? :huh: ). I get avoidant when I crush on someone, so even if I crush on someone who is obtainable, I avoid that person. I hate having crushes, so I'm most content when they're over with and I can analyze just why I crushed on that individual and sometimes have a good laugh at myself.

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II get avoidant when I crush on someone, so even if I crush on someone who is obtainable, I avoid that person.

Same here. Then I usually find that when I get over my crush I can talk to that person completely normally. That's how I can gauge if I really have a crush on them... if I can't even look them in the eye then I must like them, but if I can carry a conversation with them then it's nothing. haha.

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I'm a bit weird...I get crushes and squishes on fictional characters, but only squishes on people in real life.

Ironically, most of the real people I've had squishes on, I've ended up dating at some point or other. But, as a general rule, the more I get to know people, the less I like them. So, for some reason or other, I've stopped dating them. Interestingly, though, I never had a squish on my partner initially, but as we got to dating, I've become more and more enveloped by squish-dom.

My crushes and squishes on fictional characters are a bit, well, extreme. They hit hard and fast. When I find one, I focus intently on that character, to the detriment of all else. They're in my (always non-sexual) fantasies, I research them obsessively, I collect images of them. There are three main ones I've had in my life: Daniel Jackson, of Stargate SG-1, Spencer Reid, of Criminal Minds, and now Loki from The Avengers. But as they're fictional characters, they're the epitome of "can't have".

My partner and I each have our own "closet". We stuff various people and characters in them, and they're pretty much our celebrity free passes. Yes, we get more than one :P According to my partner, my "new boyfriend", Loki, who lives in said closet, recently replaced Spencer Reid, now my "old boyfriend", also living in the closet. And while I only have three people stuffed in my closet, he has a whole harem of people stuffed in there :P It's a pretty big closet, I guess.

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Izzy-belleUK

I'm liking the notion of 'squishes'!

Can relate to much of what you've all already said - am just getting over a recent crush / squish on someone who turns out to be gay but I honestly didn't know that to begin with - well at least I don't think I did - not consciously anyway - we're friends and that is nice - I haven't told him and don't think I will .........hmmmm ......it's on my mind a bit ...... confusing!

Also am just wondering whether this attraction to the unattainable or fictional is shared to some extent by most people regardless of their asexuality / sexuality and may just be a normal thing?? Can remember reading somewhere that it is something that most people go through as a sort of 'preparation / rehearsal' for what the 'real thing' might feel like and how we might behave in a real situation with a real someone who potentially is attainable.

Does that make any sense?

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Havingquestions

For some reason wanting someone that is difficult seems to be more common among women. I think it's because they are the more pursued gender, and therefore the guys that are displaying interest aren't really seperating themselves from the pack. Most women hate single guys. Lol.

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WhiteLilyx

So I was just wondering how common it is for all of you to develop crushes on people that are impossible to date or "hard to get". I find myself liking guys with girlfriends, bc I am able to get closer and feel more comfortable around them.

I also develop crushes on people I can have, I think it has to do with safety, nothing will ever happen.

A while ago I had a crush on a guy I could have potentialy dated but I couldn't bring myself to speak to him (I spent a whole period crying about this). When I found out he had asked this other girl out, instead of being crushed, I was happy and relieved.

Liking guys you cannot have is safe.

For me, I think I tend to get to caught up in fantasies (NOT sexual ones) of what I want... and when I find someone I can project those desires onto, someone who fits a decent portion of what I feel I'm looking for, my mind gets carried away. It doesn't have anything to do with a fear of intimacy and I wouldn't say that I have a pattern of wanting people I definitely can't have... it's just that I want something but wouldn't know what to do if I actually got it. If I got it, all the intensity and and longing would disappear eventually.

I do the same thing, but usually what I project is a fictional character, like James Potter (before I read HP 5 where I started to realize the gigant git he was).

My crushes and squishes on fictional characters are a bit, well, extreme. They hit hard and fast. When I find one, I focus intently on that character, to the detriment of all else. They're in my (always non-sexual) fantasies, I research them obsessively, I collect images of them. There are three main ones I've had in my life: Daniel Jackson, of Stargate SG-1, Spencer Reid, of Criminal Minds, and now Loki from The Avengers. But as they're fictional characters, they're the epitome of "can't have".

...how did you manage to steal my smart crushes?

Currently Loki is one of the protagonist in my (non-sexual) fantasies (which is odd because he is the first "villain" that has that title).

The sad thing is that if I managed to open a portal to another dimension and managed to meet any of my fictional crushes, I probably wouldn't date them...

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No. I don't have that.

But for a tease in this thread, ya'll can't have me even if you're attractive. :ph34r:

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leeleekitty

I only become sexually attracted to people I could never have. Usually they're celebrities (or at least in my mind). Which includes every member of the band Ludo.

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...how did you manage to steal my smart crushes?

Currently Loki is one of the protagonist in my (non-sexual) fantasies (which is odd because he is the first "villain" that has that title).

The sad thing is that if I managed to open a portal to another dimension and managed to meet any of my fictional crushes, I probably wouldn't date them...

I wasn't aware I was stealing. But even so, you can't have him back, he's mine :P First villain for me too, come to think of it.

And I'd agree with you on the portal thing, too. Kinda weird, innit?

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I think I'm like this too.

Most of my crushes are on fictional characters, and the few crushes I do have on IRL people who are in my life are on people who are almost completely unattainable...either they're extremely attractive/could have anyone, already are with someone, simply aren't interested, etc.

I guess I hadn't thought about it too much before. I've rarely had a crush on anyone who's actually been someone I could be with in any capacity beyond friendship.

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Capslock Cadet

Yes, definitely. I'm not sure why, actually. Like... if it's a coincidence, or something else. For example, I used to have a crush on a man at least ten years older than me. We had a great connection, still do, and whenever we talked hours could pass without noticing. He had a girlfriend when I fell for him, and they got engaged not too long ago. I feel like I'm able to move on, especially since we still have a great friendship, but... yeah.

Right now I fear that I'm, once again, falling for this man who's also older than me. But I'm not sure it's falling as much as really appreciating their company and wishing I could spend more time with them. This guy has a wife and two kids, so if it were to develope into a full-blown crush... yaaaaay <_<

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BaffledOwl1970

Hi all

I used to only ever want unattainable people (usually married). I'd obsess to people about getting a partner, partly in order to hide how I felt about the object of my affections. It didn't always work and got me into heaps of trouble. But it felt safe.

All the best.

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I don't think I fall for the "hard to get" type exactly, but I think I just build up the idea of the person in my head if they seem at all interesting, and then I start to idealize them in my mind. That's why it's so hard to let go of people, even when I find out how they really are, because in my head I've built them up for so long as someone great. How frustrating right ? :P

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VanishingLady

I don't think I fall for the "hard to get" type exactly, but I think I just build up the idea of the person in my head if they seem at all interesting, and then I start to idealize them in my mind. That's why it's so hard to let go of people, even when I find out how they really are, because in my head I've built them up for so long as someone great. How frustrating right ? :P

What's more frustrating is being able to see their potential and yet they don't live up to it (can be a great person, just a d-bag).

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Is this more about wanting the unobtainable rather than a crush on a person?

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