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Pax F

So, romantic asexuals...

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Pax F   
Pax F

For romantic asexuals here :P if you had a sexual partner, how would you deal with "sex"?

you see, I'm questioning this because my ex wants to get back together, I still love her and enjoy very much her company... but the whole "sex" thing makes things akward for me :( any advice?

also, I'm very affectionate sometimes and it starts to annoy me because with sexual people who "fancy" me, its like I can't touch them because they get the wrong idea!! <_<

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Qutenkreepy   
Qutenkreepy

Yeah, I know the whole 'cuddling leading to the wrong thing' scenario; with my last sexual partner, I started being leery of being at all physically affectionate for fear of arousing the Lust Beast. On her end, she started feeling insecure about her body image because I didn't find her sexually attractive (never mind that she was rationally aware I had a low sex drive). It was maybe a handful of months afterwards that I discovered asexuality. Since then, I've decided never to get romantically involved with another sexual; it just doesn't work, in my experience. I wish I had something more optimistic to offer, but do keep in mind that these are just my experiences; your mileage may vary.

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Boo42069yomomma   
Boo42069yomomma

I can't. I'm in a relationship right now. She knows I'm asexual, but I can tell she wants things I can't provide. I feel bad about it really.

On a related note, I think I'm slowly growing aromantic. Not sure how I'll deal with that, but I'll figure it out.

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pietime   
pietime

If I had a sexual partner... Well, I could see myself having sex if they really wanted it. But we would have to be really close, and I would need to trust them totally.

(In my opinion, if you aren't feeling comfortable with the idea of sex it's probably not be good to force yourself to do it.)

It seems to me that communication is really your best bet here. I think you should lay everything out and tell her how you're feeling and try to reach an agreement in regards to sex before you try to restart a romantic relationship.

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Philip027   
Philip027

As of right now, I probably wouldn't deal with it at all.

I personally am not an advocate of having sex unless you are prepared for the possibility, however remote, of having a kid. Currently, I'm barely able to manage myself properly, let alone a baby, and I don't particularly like kids. So... yeah. Probably not gonna happen. If it changes somewhere down the road, then it changes, but right now I'm not seeing that happening.

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Sketchpad   
Sketchpad

I could never have a sexual partner. I'm highly averse to sex, as well as repulsed. Combine that with anxiety disorder, paranoia, and tocophobia, and you have a sexual disaster cocktail. The only way it'd work is if my partner became celibate for me, which seems like way too much to ask.

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The Great WTF   
The Great WTF

I'm not a romantic (two steps from antiromantic, honestly, but that's just a side effect of being jaded from years and years of stupid drama) but I am an asexual in a relationship with a sexual and I will say the same thing to you that I do to everyone else: just talk to her about it. Tell her how you feel about sex, about the whole "cuddling=sex" thing, all of it. Ask her what she needs and wants, what she'll be willing to compromise on if there's something you can't or don't want to do. The only way a relationship will work, romantic or otherwise, is open and honest communication. Anything less than that is a door to misunderstanding, misery, and even more awkward moments.

And what's with the quotation marks around sex, anyway?

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justnikki   
justnikki

Be honest.

I'm a romantic and I don't mind sex, but we have to be on the same page about what we want and what it means to each of us (mostly to prepare the other person for that fact that it will mean nothing to me). Talk about how you feel, talk about your concerns, and don't do anything you're uncomfortable or unsure about. Make sure she knows that cuddling and touching isn't a precursor for other things. If you're not sure if you can talk about it, then maybe this isn't the right relationship for you.

I hope it works out, though. Good luck!

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Pax F   
Pax F

And what's with the quotation marks around sex, anyway?

xD please don't mind me and my obsession with quotation marks and dots (...) :blush: its a bad habit...

I'm starting to think getting back together is not a good idea :(

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AceSpace   
AceSpace

Story of my life. This is why I stopped dating... :(

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Celestial   
Celestial

I'm a romantic asexual, in a relationship with a sexual. I do give him sex when he wants it. We're just that close, that to me the sex is a way to bond. It makes him happy, and me happy at the same time. Everything just works out great between us. He knows im asexual, and he dosent push things on me when I dont want it. We have a very understanding relationship. I've always felt close to him when we were friends, and since we've been dating that connection has just grown.

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Vampyremage   
Vampyremage

Yeah, I know the whole 'cuddling leading to the wrong thing' scenario; with my last sexual partner, I started being leery of being at all physically affectionate for fear of arousing the Lust Beast. On her end, she started feeling insecure about her body image because I didn't find her sexually attractive (never mind that she was rationally aware I had a low sex drive). It was maybe a handful of months afterwards that I discovered asexuality. Since then, I've decided never to get romantically involved with another sexual; it just doesn't work, in my experience. I wish I had something more optimistic to offer, but do keep in mind that these are just my experiences; your mileage may vary.

This right here. For me, it was extremely stressful and frustrating for both myself and my sexual partner and because of that experience, its highly unlikely that I'll ever be in another relationship with a sexual again. Not to say definitively that it can't work, but I think the chances of it working are, generally speaking, relatively low and only possible with a whole lot of effort and dedication from both partners.

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AceSpace   
AceSpace

I'm a romantic asexual, in a relationship with a sexual. I do give him sex when he wants it. We're just that close, that to me the sex is a way to bond. It makes him happy, and me happy at the same time. Everything just works out great between us. He knows im asexual, and he dosent push things on me when I dont want it. We have a very understanding relationship. I've always felt close to him when we were friends, and since we've been dating that connection has just grown.

In that case, I would like to ask you the same question I asked someone else.

I've been curious of how a sexual partner can enjoy sex with an asexual if the asexual does not enjoy it. How can they both get "into the moment" if one of them doesn't want to be in the moment in the first place?

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Celestial   
Celestial

I'm a romantic asexual, in a relationship with a sexual. I do give him sex when he wants it. We're just that close, that to me the sex is a way to bond. It makes him happy, and me happy at the same time. Everything just works out great between us. He knows im asexual, and he dosent push things on me when I dont want it. We have a very understanding relationship. I've always felt close to him when we were friends, and since we've been dating that connection has just grown.

In that case, I would like to ask you the same question I asked someone else.

I've been curious of how a sexual partner can enjoy sex with an asexual if the asexual does not enjoy it. How can they both get "into the moment" if one of them doesn't want to be in the moment in the first place?

Well, for me I can get physically turned on by other means than just the normal means of such. I'm in no way physically attracted to my partner, and I've never found anyone I have found anything more then 'ok' looking. Bodies don't do it for me. However that being said, I do want to make my partner happy, so in a way I do want the sex because I want to please him. If he didn't want sex I would be just as happy without it. But I view it as a bonding, and in a way it is romantic. As for the ways that I can be 'turned on' so to speak, they are defiantly not considered the norm, and I haven't really found anyone else that shares my likes. I've dated three other sexuals in the past, and I never wanted anything sexual with any of them. However with the current partner, he is a very understanding and romantic person so I wish to give back to him what he gives to me. Hope any of this makes sense.

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Kitty Spoon Train   
Kitty Spoon Train

Yeah, I know the whole 'cuddling leading to the wrong thing' scenario;

Heh, this is the exact problem I have when trying to date...

I'm demisexual - very demisexual, borderline romantic-ace - so sex is definitely out of the picture for a much longer timeframe than today's typical Australian dating standards (if ever, depending on the connection/chemistry with a given person). But because I'm very affectionate and cuddly, I can be comfortable with the touchyfeely cuddling stage much sooner - FAR before the sexual switch (potentially) flips for me.

The scenario with the last girl I dated was that we cuddled (on the sixth date), and she got horny and expected sex. Even though I told her I'm demisexual she just couldn't process it positively and got turned off, and we stopped seeing each other.

(Mild TMI)

The hardest thing for them to understand is that a "cuddle boner" doesn't necessarily mean you want sex. It's an involuntary reaction. lol.

Stupid brain and body not playing nicely together.

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Sally   
Sally

I've been curious of how a sexual partner can enjoy sex with an asexual if the asexual does not enjoy it. How can they both get "into the moment" if one of them doesn't want to be in the moment in the first place?

Sometimes the asexual partner doesn't know they're asexual, and the sexual partner doesn't realize the asexual partner isn't really in the moment. Sexual partners usually have no idea asexuality exists and once they get in the moment, they may not notice...anything.

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Ravako   
Ravako

I've been curious of how a sexual partner can enjoy sex with an asexual if the asexual does not enjoy it. How can they both get "into the moment" if one of them doesn't want to be in the moment in the first place?

Sometimes the asexual partner doesn't know they're asexual, and the sexual partner doesn't realize the asexual partner isn't really in the moment. Sexual partners usually have no idea asexuality exists and once they get in the moment, they may not notice...anything.

Yeah, being asexual and never/very rarely getting "into the moment" you don't really know it's not there. Kind of like the whole "you don't know you're missing anything if you never had it in the first place" sort of thing. So, in other words, I could think (therefore sort of act) I'm in the moment where I really wasn't. This, of course, was back when I thought my lack of a sex drive was merely a mental thing having to do with never having sex before.

Also, don't people masturbate? I mean, your hand doesn't get much out of it, I'm pretty sure, but the person masturbating seems to enjoy it. Just sayin'.

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darkbluent   
darkbluent

I guess i'd adjust* somehow? They're worth it, right?

*for some reason i'm pretty flexible, and can change myself by a bit if necessary. Could probably become demi, if really needed.

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Fitzsimmons ♡   
Fitzsimmons ♡

Moving this from Asexual Musings and Rantings to Asexual Q&A.

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Eric S   
Eric S

If I really loved them and trusted them and they really wanted it and I felt it was important to them I guess i would do it.

I wouldn't like to do it very often however i would try to keep it at a minimum.

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Sally   
Sally

I've been curious of how a sexual partner can enjoy sex with an asexual if the asexual does not enjoy it. How can they both get "into the moment" if one of them doesn't want to be in the moment in the first place?

Sometimes the asexual partner doesn't know they're asexual, and the sexual partner doesn't realize the asexual partner isn't really in the moment. Sexual partners usually have no idea asexuality exists and once they get in the moment, they may not notice...anything.

Yeah, being asexual and never/very rarely getting "into the moment" you don't really know it's not there. Kind of like the whole "you don't know you're missing anything if you never had it in the first place" sort of thing. So, in other words, I could think (therefore sort of act) I'm in the moment where I really wasn't.

Not really what I meant. Although you may not know you're asexual, you definitely know that it's not there, and that you're not in the moment. Not knowing you're asexual simply means that you've never heard of asexuality, not that you don't know something's very different from how other people feel.

Once I heard about asexuality, nothing changed in what I felt (or rather didn't feel). I simply knew what the name of it was.

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JimmyKeepCool   
JimmyKeepCool

I can't. I'm in a relationship right now. She knows I'm asexual, but I can tell she wants things I can't provide. I feel bad about it really.

On a related note, I think I'm slowly growing aromantic. Not sure how I'll deal with that, but I'll figure it out.

Yeah, I used to fancy myself a romantic person, but I've come be aromantic person. In general, I think it makes life easier.

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JimmyKeepCool   
JimmyKeepCool

Also, I'm not sure how to help, but you could try talking to your ex about it. Maybe come up with some kind of agreement?

It's kind of like how, as a person with asperger's syndrome, I don't like to touch or be touched by others in any way. However, I know that most people really like to exchange hugs with their close friends and family. So, I've worked out an arrangement in which we both can be at least somewhat satisfied (like awesome secret handshakes or high-fives instead of hugs). Maybe something like that could work for you?

I guess the key thing to respect each others wants and needs without denying who you really are.

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BreathSoBitter   
BreathSoBitter

I would be willing but only veeeeery particular circumstances.

There's this wonderful thing online that someone wrote called like "How to approach Asexuals for Sex" and it's basically a guide about how to be courteous and nice and sensitive to an ace person when asking for sex. It's really long. If a guy did that for me, I would give it a shot. After being in a loving relationship blah blah blah etc. I don't expect to control the relationship, I wouldn't feel comfortable going into a relationship with a sexual with that mentality. If a guy were to be really sensitive to my feelings towards sex and accommodating and respectful...I may be up for considering it. Even though I generally consider myself repulsed, it would make me happy to make my partner happy and if they could keep me comfortable in that pursuit instead of endlessly uncomfortable, it could potentially not be horrible for me = sure, I'll give it a shot.

If that makes sense.

Also, I needs ma romance. I have an insatiable need for cuddles. So I'd prefer to work it out with someone than not.

However, I'm with a wonderful asexual guy at the moment so all is good.

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Nikola Tesla   
Nikola Tesla

Also, I needs ma romance. I have an insatiable need for cuddles. So I'd prefer to work it out with someone than not.

I also am insatiable when it comes to closeness. I LOVE to cuddle ^^ My sexual boyfriend is also pretty insatiable when it comes to sex, so I give it to him sometimes. Especially after he broke down and asked if I didn't like him anymore, wanted to be with a girl and so on, plus reading on this forum what other sexuals in asexual relationships felt. That made me very greatful, because he hasn't "hit" on me as much after I told him I was A. :blush: I love my man, and want him to be happy. I can't give him as much as he wants/needs, but I can give him some ^^

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RandomGirlK   
RandomGirlK

I would be OK with an open relationship, if I was with a sexual partner. I do not like the idea of having sex with anyone, even if I loved them, but I dont expect them to go without for me.

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Estrid   
Estrid

I have a sexual partner at the moment, but we're not sexually active.

The best solution we could reach, was having an open relationship. I must however admit it leaves me rather jealous, but on the other hand I really do love my boyfriend, and I prefer it this way rather than having sex.

At some point I told him that I'd be ready to sleep with him if it meant a lot to him, but he told me he wouldn't want to, since he knew I wouldn't feel comfortable with it (I was honestly relieved).

I guess the only thing to do in a relationship with a sexual is communicating. That's the way to reach a 'sustainable' solution.

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