How many of you are married/have children?

[JDP]

I wish your wife could understand what being asexual is like; and trust in you. It is not something that is 'wrong' with you, or needs 'fixing'. It is your own orientation.

I was married and divorced twice; raising four children for the most part as a single parent in the 1980's. Knowledge of asexuality was not available at that time, but I do believe that the infidelity of my husbands was caused by my life-long asexuality. I am an adherent of the adage that "Everything happens for a reason in this Life". As it turns out, I am an Enlightened individual and extremely happy within myself and around others; which is why I enjoy working for the visibility of AVEN, when I am able. :)

It's either my orientation, if that's the correct word, or I'm a sexual with a lifelong intimacy problem. This board has not answered that question for me.

I raised my kids alone in the 1980s as well. I did remarry, and my second wife was a good stepmother to my children, but their birth mother was/is still alive, which was and is a problem for my kids, who are now grown.

You're a very warm and giving person, Runester. This forum is very fortunate to have you as a member.

[runester]

@asexjoe: Thank you so much, for all your kind words! Have I given you this link:

http://www.asexuality.org/en/topic/75070-welcome-new-members-from-the-project-team/ ? It contains much useful information from the "Front Page/FAQ" resources, and will help you navigate the forums. Did you ever begin reading about "Abbie the AVEN Bear" - our official mascot? It's a lot of fun and some great photography!

Head held high, please! I care about you, too! :D

[JDP]

OK, thanks, Runester.

[daraly]

After reading a lot of posts in this forum I have reached to the conclusion that it is more likely for a couple to remain together when the asexual partner is the man. It seems to me that a sexual male partner is not as ready at mantain a sexless relationship than a female sexual partner.

By the way, I am a woman, I have 3 children and was married for 15 years. I did have sex to keep the marriage going, but most of the time I was trying to avoid it. It was the main reason for the marriage not working

[JDP]

After reading a lot of posts in this forum I have reached to the conclusion that it is more likely for a couple to remain together when the asexual partner is the man. It seems to me that a sexual male partner is not as ready at mantain a sexless relationship than a female sexual partner.

By the way, I am a woman, I have 3 children and was married for 15 years. I did have sex to keep the marriage going, but most of the time I was trying to avoid it. It was the main reason for the marriage not working

I'm inclined to agree with that. I think women are the stronger sex in that regard.

[Strawman Perk]

I was married for 10 years; was partnered for 30 years; have two adult children, one of them DD. Now partnered with a cat who expects nothing more from me than food and petting.

Cats are the best partners, aren't they? Unfortunately they can't bail you out of jail. XD

[Strawman Perk]

I am not married and I do not have children. I actually lack the desire or maternal drive to care for/about them.

One usually ties into the other; most men around here want nothing to do with you if you don't put out and don't want children.

[littleghost]

Hi all. I just joined and made a rawwwther lengthy post in the Introductions forum (or whatever it is called.)

I'm married for 9 years to my best friend. We've had intimacy problems for awhile. We realized I had a very low sex drive awhile ago, but in conversations we've had since, I have admitted that I actually never find anyone attractive and have no sort of sexual desire at all. Even for celebrities. I find some people 'cute' or even 'sexy' but all I can fantasize about with them is cuddling, MAYBE kissing but that's if I stretch my mind to it's full potential.

Because he is a hyper-sexual person as far as desires go, we've talked about him going outside the marriage for sexy times. Due to my previous monogamous way of thinking (for the last 25 years of relationshipping) I have had conflicting thoughts on this. It's certainly not ever anything I had imagined. Since discovering this site a few nights ago, I've realized that since we didn't know I was asexual or gray or whatever I actually am, it's not MY fault but also not fair to keep him from experiencing positive, unchallenging sexual relations. I don't think I can offer him that myself (as in with sex between us) because my comfort level/relaxation during sex is not conducive to a mind-blowing time. I don't feel inadequate about this anymore.

Now we have to figure out how to go about doing this. I'm worried about emotional entanglements and he is, too, a bit. Not from his side, but maybe from someone else. Both of us have only ever had sex with people we were romantically involved with, so that's why we have that notion.

If anyone has any experience from either side, feel free to PM me! I think my hubby will join so he can ask questions or even tell his side of things.

[KitKat71483]

I'm a 40 year old female. I've been married 11 years but we have been together for 16 years and I have a 16 year old son (we began dating when I was 3 months pregnant). I'm the asexual one in our relationship. Or, well, if I'm understanding what I've been reading correctly, trying to piece together what I've read and compare it to what I FEEL.....demisexual, biromantic, sensual attraction.

Me and my husband have had a (by now) bitter ongoing resentful 'discussion' going on about sex for the past 6 or so years. When we first met, I was so in love with him, caught up in the feeling of 'us' and having met someone that understood me intellectually so well, the sex wasn't a problem. I had had sex before (pregnant when we met) but, mostly it was because after being with the person for so long, I felt like I should as part of the relationship, had no desire to. With him, sex wasn't a problem, seeing how happy he was, I liked having sex because he was so joyous in what we did, experimenting because I trusted him, it was a learning experience and I took joy in it because I loved him and what we did made him happy. While we were dating, this attitude and because we were dating and not living together, kept us both happy. Now, once we began living together, the sexual aspect all changed.

The argument has become bitter and I have just given up trying to explain my feelings. Being hypersexual himself, he can not remotely understand my outlook, seeing it only as an 'excuse'. While we were dating, the continuing romantic and sensual aspect of our relationship was part of the sexual aspect all the time. So, the sexual relationship was enjoyable to me because of this deep romantic and sensual bond that we had. Once we moved in together, real life affected our relationship. Somewhere along the way, the romance and sensual affection was lost. And once that was gone, I began to resent the sex we were still having. He picked up on my resentment and accused me of wanting to date someone else, was continuously paranoid that I was having an affair, or was just not attracted to him anymore. When I tried explaining that I needed the romance and the sensual affection to enjoy sex, he accused me of making excuses. For him, sex symbolized our love for each other.

I. i went through a period where I wished he would have an affair so that we could break up. That way, he could find someone else and maybe be happy with a physical relationship like he needed. He is very attracted to the aesthetic look of someone, so, subconsciously, I began trying to make myself unattractive. I gained weight, began not brushing my teeth in the morning until after he left. I hated myself for awhile there. I've since started trying to change that choice and have begun taking care of myself, for myself. I could never understand how I could fantasize about sex with him and be turned on, or we could be kissing and cuddling and I could be turned on but every time we did, he would push it into the sexual realm and I would jerk back, hurt beyond measure that he couldn't be happy this one time with just showing me that he loved me.

Our outlooks are so different. I need the emotional bond, the affection, the romance, to feel loved. He needs sex to feel loved. And no matter how I tried to explain it, or how I tried to bargain, or no matter what I did, it was and is still my problem that I am broken.

When I came upon this site, I don't even remember how I did so. But, I read this in part of the General FAQ:

I masturbate/have sexual fantasies. What do you make of that?

Most asexuals are physically capable of sex. Some masturbate and some do not. Since masturbation produces a pleasurable sensation, many asexuals choose to use it to take pleasure from their bodies. Some asexuals can only arouse themselves manually (by applying friction to sexual organs), while others can turn themselves on with thought or even outside stimulus, such as pornography or erotic literature.

There is an important distinction between sexual and asexual people when it comes to masturbation: while some asexuals don't think about anything specifically sexual during masturbation, if they do think about other people or view pornography, these interpersonal interactions are only fantasy. If an asexual were actually given the opportunity to be sexual with the fantasized person(s), there would be no sexual attraction, or the attraction would be so low as to be completely ignorable.

When I read that, I froze, and teared up and had to stare at the ceiling for a very long time. This, this was exactly, EXACTLY part of what our last argument held. And, to know, that there was a term for what I was. That at 40 years old, I now knew why even when I loved someone, cared about them, or had a crush on them, when it came down to physical sex, it was like my mind floated away and all feeling left my body. It became a job I was doing to make them happy because I cared for them. And I thought I had been broken. I have searched my memories for something that might have cause this, some trauma. I have taken medicine, hormones, spoke to doctors, thinking it was something inside me broken and my fault. That if I was alright, then I'd FEEL during having sex with the person I loved and our relationship would be what it was supposed to be.

I've been pouring over this site, reading, and just, almost stuttering with a mutual mix of shock and joy and just, more emotions than I can explain.

I'm getting teary again.

I just want everyone to know I'm so glad I stumbled my way across this site. It may be what saves my sanity and my heart. KK

[Tanwen]

Welcome to AVEN and in particular the Oldies forum. Have you taken a look at the Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies , I know you're the asexual part of your relationship but it may help you to see things from the 'other side' - maybe you could persuade him to look in. I'm glad you've found us and hope that you'll find some threads that may help.##Oh, nearly forgot; may I offer you some welcome :D

[Sally]

"It became a job I was doing to make them happy because I cared for them"

Yup. I did that job for 10 years with my ex-husband and for 30 years with my ex-partner/now friend. A long hard job. My ex-partner knows about it now and after several years of difficult discussion, he appreciates how hard it was and why I did it (the first reaction was "you lied to me all those years!").

[Researching]

Married, divorced, three kids in their 30's, three teenage grands.

[Laeti]

I am single, never married.

When I was a student I moved in with my boyfriend during three years. The sex part was very difficult for me. He asked me to go to therapy, but I never really wanted to and neither felt that it would change anything.

I prefer to be single than living in "bad company" (that's a translation, I am not sure it works in english, what would be the correct sentence for this?)

But would definitely prefer living with great company as I enjoy mny parts of being in couple: romanticism, tenderness, sensuality...

[Elfling]

Hello. New here. Never married, had some relationships, one lasting a few years, but now single. One child, whom I love absolutely. Like Laeti above also said, there are many things of being in a couple that I miss: romance, tenderness, understanding each other, etc.

[Oldchris]

I am 46 and married very late (2011) when I was pregnant with my first child.

I have 2 girls 3 and 1 years. since april 2013, we are separated.

I want a divorce

[Iron Violet]

Yes, married for almost eighteen years (this May), and two children, 14 and 10. We were having issues around sex before we even got married, but not anything that wasn't considered a "normal" relationship bump in the road. After our first was born I did the cosleeping thing with our baby which was what felt right to me, but which, in my husband's mind, set our child up as "competition" for his attention. After our second was born the issues got worse even though the second child was more independent and preferred a crib.

I remember the deeper problems starting after the second child and worsening as the years went by. We're in therapy now, and things have somewhat stabilized, but emotions are still raw. We work on it every day, one day at a time. We love each other and don't plan on divorce.

[Sweetart]

Divorced and 44 with a 4 year-old, who was conceived while separated from my husband. I've not had sex since before she was born. I hated doing "my duty" so much that I stopped shaving entirely and grew out all my body hair so as to repulse my partner. It worked. I have zero desire for sex, but wonder how common it is among single parents of young children? Desire for sex was never very strong for me but it's been non-existent for over 4 years and I wonder if it will ever "come back".

For some reason I tend to hold some sort of sexual attraction from men and in certain situations I enjoy it (that they find me attractive). However, in more situations it's just annoying and/or sabotages my employment when I need to rebuff advances from my boss. Am I sexual because on occasion I enjoy being perceived as sexually attractive? Does that count? I want to be clear that I do not consciously try to be "sexy"

Don't think I'll ever marry again. I thought marriage was silly but a little romantic and that I must be missing out on something. I was 36 when it finally happened (for 3 years) and as it turns out I wasn't missing out on anything.

[KittKatz]

After reading a lot of posts in this forum I have reached to the conclusion that it is more likely for a couple to remain together when the asexual partner is the man. It seems to me that a sexual male partner is not as ready at mantain a sexless relationship than a female sexual partner.

By the way, I am a woman, I have 3 children and was married for 15 years. I did have sex to keep the marriage going, but most of the time I was trying to avoid it. It was the main reason for the marriage not working

I am exceptionally fortunate as the asexual wife to have a hubby that loves me so much he chooses to stay. The transition from compromise to asexual was a bit difficult but honest communication has alleviated almost all the tension. We have 2 girls (27 & 17) together and just celebrated our 30th anniversary.

[Valw]

After reading a lot of posts in this forum I have reached to the conclusion that it is more likely for a couple to remain together when the asexual partner is the man. It seems to me that a sexual male partner is not as ready at mantain a sexless relationship than a female sexual partner.

By the way, I am a woman, I have 3 children and was married for 15 years. I did have sex to keep the marriage going, but most of the time I was trying to avoid it. It was the main reason for the marriage not working

I am exceptionally fortunate as the asexual wife to have a hubby that loves me so much he chooses to stay. The transition from compromise to asexual was a bit difficult but honest communication has alleviated almost all the tension. We have 2 girls (27 & 17) together and just celebrated our 30th anniversary.

I, too am the asexual partner of a 30 year relationship. Like you KittKatz, my husband, just very recently, has decided that he would rather live with me, and stay married with all the challenges (read sexual ones) than to live without me. I am so happy abut this.

We both felt that we couldn't face the idea of him turning elsewhere for sex. He views sex as a mutual thing with the one you love, not just to get relief. This is beautiful in a way, I suppose, but also I've felt that it puts more pressure on me. I think it might be easier just to say 'have your way and tell me when it's over' kind of thing. But my husband feels that unless he's making me happy, then it's not really working for him either, and that he would just be using me. Sigh! It all seems like such a big deal about nothing, to my asexual brain, but I know it's a VERY big deal to my hubby.

So we go forth as best we can, loving each other's company, relying on each other, wondering where this will all end. Personally, I think that at 68, I should be excused from the whole business, but, that notion is not supported.

To all of us in mixed marriages, I wish us well.

[jay williams]

It is great to hear that there are folks who are glad to have found this site, and folks who have survived a relationship with a sexual.

Tell me, are there successful unmixed marriages? In other words, have any of you found another asexual partner and had a successful relationship, which is something I used to dream about.

[LaMaestra]

Me married? Me having children? About as much chance of that ever happening as there is of the planet Saturn having a hit record!

[Deutsche1999]

Married 20 years, 15 kids ...adopted, foster etc... I am asexual my husband is not, but he loves me enough to live w/ out sex. It works for us.

[rh1985]

I am not married, but I have a daughter (my biological child) from IVF with a sperm donor. I am raising her as a single mother by choice.

[Hedgie]

I'm nearly 40, and I've never married nor had children.

[uncommonangel]

I was married (actually still working on the "WAS" part... officially, anyway) for 19 yrs... Only way THIS happened, was that we both grew up together since lil kids... and well, just ended up together. I think this was the ONLY way I ended up with my 3 kids. (now teens) He knew how I was since day one... but there wasn't any official term then. Then he turned it into ME being "frigid"... me being... well, fill in the blank any way you can, with negative words. :| But I NEVER changed! ...he just started handling it worse, and worse, then having an affair with my ONLY and best friend... then my daughter's best friend's MOM (neither friends are still around...alive, yes, but not in contact) He ended up leaving for the latter, and well, that was that. BUT I have kids. Funny enough, I did NOT mind having sex for making kids (do not confuse this as if I was actually "horny"...NEVER that). He was THRILLED that he actually "got some" when I wanted to get pregnant. But then there was a REASON to! (just like there is a reason I clean the litter box, a reason you clean the toilets, a reason...etc.) After I got preg. I was SOOOO done. :p But if I hadn't married him when we were both SO young, and I had waited, I would NEVER have any kids now. I realize that perfectly. Now, I am NOT willing to have sex with ANYONE. I am not willing to even KISS or "make out" with anyone anymore. (k, well, peck on the cheek, fine... a chaste kiss is sweet) Now my soon-to-be-ex-idiot is gone... fine.... but I still have my 3 kids (14,16, 18) and I am blessed. I was so lucky... makes it worth it, y'know? But only in hindsight... THEN, well, I struggled with depression, and self loathing and self hatred. I blamed myself for NOT being the wife I should have been... but after I tried to do what was expected, I died a little inside... sometimes MORE than a little... *sigh* But try to explain that to some people... (non-ace-peoples).

[ThorHera]

I think it might be easier just to say 'have your way and tell me when it's over' kind of thing. But my husband feels that unless he's making me happy, then it's not really working for him either, and that he would just be using me. Sigh! It all seems like such a big deal about nothing, to my asexual brain, but I know it's a VERY big deal to my hubby.

So we go forth as best we can, loving each other's company, relying on each other, wondering where this will all end. Personally, I think that at 68, I should be excused from the whole business, but, that notion is not supported.

To all of us in mixed marriages, I wish us well.

OMGosh i could have wrote THIS (bold).... same thing here ... only my husb still doesnt know i am asex ... i think he knows in the back of his head (like i have always known, but had no term for it until i googled a few yrs back). Moreso recently, as he has had difficulties in the sex dept and is now saying "i know you could care less and arent interested". THAT from my never initiating sex, why would i initiate it when i dont think about it?

After 30+ yrs of marriage, i recognize the signals/hints he gives, me w/an eye-roller w/the thoughts: i guess it is time. Who knows, maybe i will end the farce - not sure how he would take the news tho (he wouldnt divorce me over lack of sex). Have debated whether to come out .... still debating.

I too wish all those aces in a relatnshp w/sexual well.

[tehegemon]

Married, Divorced. Re-married.

I have one adult child from my first marriage.

[5_♦♣]

Not married and don't have or want kids.

[Lonewolf27]

Married twice, 3 kids (all grown) currently divorced & since discovering my orientation in 2012 I'm very happy to say that unless I find a male with the same orientation I will remain divorced.

[Spotastic]

I've been married for almost 7 years now. No kids.