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Pax F

How many of you are married/have children?

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anamazonruns

I am 45 and have been with my husband since 1993. We have one seven year old. I was barely sexual when we met and am now pretty thoroughly asexual. I have no desire for sex with him or anyone. That's inconvenient, because he is highly sexual. I haven't exactly said "asexual" to him, but in the last several years he has become quite clear on my lack of interest.

TMI warning:

To accomodate our differences, I give him a lot of blow jobs. I don't get any sexual enjoyment out of it, but I take pride in my work and I enjoy doing something nice for my very best friend in the whole wide world. It works for him because he gets off and we have sexual intimacy, which to him is part of love. He doesn't feel a need to get sex elsewhere. It works for me because I don't have to be aroused or pretend to be aroused.

Aside from sex, we are physically affectionate. We kiss, snuggle, hold hands, and all that normal stuff. In fact, we do that a lot more now that I don't worry that he will expect that to lead to sex.

I consider myself quite lucky.

I used to worry that I needed fixing. Then about five years ago I got really pissed that I had bought into the idea that there was something wrong with me. Now it is just so obvious that sexual feeling is giant continuum that I am perfectly content and self-accepting. There is absolutely nothing wrong with me. I have a great relationship, a happy family, a job that makes me happy, lots of friends and hobbies. I don't need anybody rubbing my genitals to complete my life.

Edited by Tadkitty
added a TMI warning and spoiler

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ThorHera

age 56, asexual, married to heterosex/sexual 35 yrs, 1 daughter. When i was young .... all my g/f's got married after graduating from high sch - not me, i had no such plans of getting married (had 6 marriage proposals, married the 7th).

Wanted to have kids (biological clock?), but wasnt sure i wanted that long of a commitment or could handle it. Discussed it w/husb who was on same page. GLAD i only had one kid, but in a way, it was educational for me - when she became a teenager, watching first hand the sex drive. From age 11 she was focused on finding a mate, a real need, drive. interesting.

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KittKatz

Married 28 years with 2 girls. Hubby and I have always struggles with the intimate part of our lives together are are just coming to terms with why. On the plus side we are the best of friends and enjoy each other's company.

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ElaineB

Married 23 years. I am a romantic asexual; he is sexual. I have only recently come to understand my orientation. So impressed by the support shown to me by my loving husband as I have struggled with my identity. Our sex life has been a challenge throughout our marriage and I don't know what the future holds. I want him to be able to experience the fullness of his sexuality and, unfortunately, I am unable to help him do that. We love each other very much, so we're trying to figure things out.

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A60

I was married for ten years to my best friend. I had a son who is forty now. Life is what you make it. My spouse died and I spent twenty seven glorious years living alone. I decided to make a compromise and take on a male life partner for companionship reasons. For those of you who follow a certain thread in this forum...I will share that I too am a female stone.

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tatersgramma

Been married twice - first time for 3 years and 2 beautiful boys, this time for 18 years and 1 beautiful daughter. My 3 children are now adults and I have 4 grandchildren. I am still married, but my husband and I live in 2 houses about 100 yards apart. (We are on a farm). We are great friends, but we are not intimate. This has not been an easy road, but neither one of us wants to be alone. I have always been asexual, and he has come to accept that. He has some health issues and I am the caregiver. It works for us.

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anchor31

I'm 27, I've been married for 4 years and we have a 3-year-old. It's been tough. I only just really I'm grey-A and my husband, who is sexual, is frustrated with my lack of interest. I suspect he hoped it would be a phase. Things have been going downhill for about a year. Coming out to him would probably be the end of our marriage as he is not very understanding, and I kind of think maybe it wouldn't be a bad thing after all. I'm heteroromantic and crave love and intimacy, just not the sexual kind. I'd also like to have another child. I don't know if I could ever find someone I could be happy with.

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sableraven

Ive been married for over a year. I didnt officially know about asexuality, I just thought I was broken. Now that I know, I dont think anything will change... I didnt get married to procreate and neither did my husband, although he is sexually active. I havent told him yet about it and Im not sure if I need to. If things ever start going downhill however Im afraid I will have to. I have no interest in having kids and never have, no maternal instincts. But why does marriage have to be about kids? My husband and I love each other.

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Aravia

married in 2001, had 2 babies, separated in 2002.

still legally married though. i'm too cheap to pay for divorce, and apparently so is he.

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iGuinevere

Third husband. Two divorces. Just realizing it was not because I fell out of love with them as to why I started not having sex. It is not going well with current husband because of this as well. He is very sexual and he just does not understand why I have gradually stopped having sex with him. I never enjoyed our sex even if I did orgasm. It was a job. I love him; I just hate sex. I realize it is not fair and it is not like I was trying to deceive him when we married. I really hoped I would like sex with them/him. The thing is I don't think he would accept that I am asexual. I am afraid he would see it as an excuse. I want companionship. I want love. Can I have it with him? I am afraid not. Besides he deserves a wife who can please him in that way. I just don't think I can handle being alone.

Oh and I have one beautiful 17 year old daughter. She will be off to college this fall. Then...?

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Ms.Ann

Third husband. Two divorces. Just realizing it was not because I fell out of love with them as to why I started not having sex. It is not going well with current husband because of this as well. He is very sexual and he just does not understand why I have gradually stopped having sex with him. I never enjoyed our sex even if I did orgasm. It was a job. I love him; I just hate sex. I realize it is not fair and it is not like I was trying to deceive him when we married. I really hoped I would like sex with them/him. The thing is I don't think he would accept that I am asexual. I am afraid he would see it as an excuse. I want companionship. I want love. Can I have it with him? I am afraid not. Besides he deserves a wife who can please him in that way. I just don't think I can handle being alone.

Oh and I have one beautiful 17 year old daughter. She will be off to college this fall. Then...?

Hi there, sorry to hear of your situation. I can relate and it's heartbreaking. I have been married for almost 11 years and I don't want to be alone either - nor do I want to split up my family (we have 2 small girls). But it is not going well for us either and I'm not sure how much longer we can hang on.

Maybe finding this site will help bring you peace, help you feel stronger and let you know you are not alone.

I wish you the best on your journey.

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rvaGrey

I'm married, we have 3 kids. I'm apparently greyish aromantic, he is a romantic heterosexual. Having kids is the sanest thing I've ever done.

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Ms.Ann

I'm married, we have 3 kids. I'm apparently greyish aromantic, he is a romantic heterosexual. Having kids is the sanest thing I've ever done.

Hello and welcome! :cake:

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NolongerHere

Stumbled very happily into an asexual marriage in 1980 - neither of us knew we were asexual. All we knew was that we adored each other and sex did not define our love for one another. We were true soul mates - we worked together everyday, supported one another, and never fought or argued. Amazing, eh? We did engage in sex to have children though. And it was the only meaningful sex I've ever experienced. Ha!

In 1991, he died in a car accident. And I've never met anyone worth marrying again. It's hard to find the right person in such a sexual world. I may never find him again and that's okay. Because I've experienced love that others only dream about.

And when I watch people put up with bad relationships through accepting the myths that "All couples fight" or "You have to work at a marriage", I simply laugh.

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JDP

I'm glad I came here, specifically to this thread. I don't feel so isolated now.

I'm married with grown children, and it's tough to be asexual when my mrs. isn't. She loves me too much to leave and I can't give her what she craves.

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Audrid

I have been married for 9 years and we have two children and another on the way.

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CrazyCatLover

Divorced (but I usually prefer to call myself single). The marriage fell apart when we realized that in addition to us each having our own mental health problems (which were exacerbated by dealing with the other's issues), he was not actually asexual (demi with a high sex drive) and I was not actually romantic (aro-ace and repulsed). It was rather an ugly divorce with both of us acting immaturely (while convinced that the other one was being such a child), and we didn't speak to one another for several years afterwards. We would have made good close friends, but we should never have gotten married. No children resulted from that marriage thankfully.

Now I live in a small apartment abroad with a cat and am perfectly content. I don't plan to remarry, and I've known for a long time that I didn't want children. I'm working on a master's degree in CS because I want to make a career change from teaching English (as a foriegn language) to Computational Linguistics (I expect my first job after graduating will be more of a general CS position though). I'm pretty happy in South Korea right now. My students are great, and the expat community is very well-organized and supportive here. There's a decent yarn shop about an hour away, so I can keep myself amused and grounded by knitting. While I am happy right now, I don't want to live here teaching English forever. My plan is to finish my degree and then start applying for jobs back the States (and some other Western countries as well, but I suspect I'll be most likely to find a job in my home-country). I'd like to eventually live in Seattle, Vancouver, or Munich.

In my case, once I realized that I really actually want to be single (which took awhile; I used to be very scared about being all alone), I became so much happier. My life started feeling more fulfilling very quickly. I now proudly proclaim myself to be a spinster (which is intended as a pun -- I love to spin yarn).

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TurtleRage

I'm single and I have never been in a serious relationship. I want kids one day, but I don't really desire a relationship with anyone. I feel very motherly, but I don't feel like "wife/girlfriend material". lol

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Dahlia Blues

Separated. Still legally married. 3 wonderfully exquisite boys. Beautiful pregnancies. If it (motherhood and imminent motherhood) were a drug in a bottle I would be all strung out and addicted. (save for the medically imposed c-sections) An incredible love affair with their father for the nearly 20 years that it lasted. I was euphoric about our rapport all that time. Except that I was never ecstatic about the sex. I did it because its what young adults are supposed to do and feel fulfilled about. It made us happy. End of chapter. Except there were the footnotes: The relentless inner sense of never having found my way around. Then Years of risky cheating by partner and the strange refusal to consider an open transparent unconventional marriage. The impossibility of discussing my sexual or non sexual needs or whereabouts, the trite assumptions made, the impossibility under pain of embarrassment and disbelief of "coming" out as asexual, although it was "apparent". I only wish I'd known more about myself years ago. Had courage or the luck to persue what felt like an annoyance. oh and The suffering that might have been avoided....I still aim to remarry. It's important for me. That anchor. That dreaming of the collaborative life. And if I can I would like two little girls. Probably adopted since I've hit my forties. The intimacy of family life thrills me to pieces.

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likeafish

Married with an almost-two year old.

I love my husband absolutely (and he loves me), but it has been a long 13 years of guilt and brokenness over my lack of sexual feeling. I found this site a couple weeks ago, and for the first time in a long time, I feel something like calm. Or at the very least...it's possible there's nothing wrong with me.

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bbrodriguez

My husband and I will have been married 3 years next Friday, together over 5.5 years. We're both virgins, romantically asexual, childfree, otherwise compatible, and love each other very much. Considering that we're from a mainly rural area, I'd say it's a work of divine intervention that we found each other. We have several furchildren that keep us pretty busy.

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Frankentan

My husband and I will have been married 3 years next Friday, together over 5.5 years. We're both virgins, romantically asexual, childfree, otherwise compatible, and love each other very much. Considering that we're from a mainly rural area, I'd say it's a work of divine intervention that we found each other. We have several furchildren that keep us pretty busy.

You certainly were extremely fortunate - congratulations and :cake::cake::cake::cake::cake: :D

*I've had human children and furkids...at least my furkids do as they're told :lol: *

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Ilmi

Not married or reproduced, but I've contributed donoring eggs. Biologically it's possible that I have offspring, but they're not my kids in any sense, nor legally. I'm planning to do donor again soon. I think it's a good compromise as I haven't thought about kids myself.

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starrysky

I've been married almost 14 years and have a 4 yr old child.

I found this website years ago and thought I finally found people like myself. But nearly everyone here was middle school or high school aged, and they told me that asexual don't get married or have sex, and didn't seem to think I was one of them. Then recently I was talking to someone else online and they mentioned this website, and they told me that it had changed since I was here last and the atmosphere was different, so I came back again.

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Nitrogenica

No I've never been married. I've never been engaged or in love.

With a former boyfriend I had a miscarriage. I wasn't sure if I could ever have children as I was in my late 20's. Then I met someone else and we have a family now but no marriage involved.

Tbh weddings and marriage scares me. I've never been one of those girls dreaming about getting married in a wedding dress. I suffer stage fright anyway and have a problem with crowds of people looking at me.

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Pan'sShadow

married for 1 year and 2 months, very happily... Things got a little rough for a while due to my lack of interest in sex and my husbands constant interest in sex. But now that we have AVEN things have never been better. We plan on having children, and hope to conceive them sexually. Just because I am not interested in sex doesn't mean I am incapable of having it. I find within the trusted confines of my marriage and the comfort of my understanding partner, sex isn't traumatizing it's just kind of awkward and strange. Which is something I am glad to endure for the sake of making babies. :)

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JDP

No I've never been married. I've never been engaged or in love.

With a former boyfriend I had a miscarriage. I wasn't sure if I could ever have children as I was in my late 20's. Then I met someone else and we have a family now but no marriage involved.

Tbh weddings and marriage scares me. I've never been one of those girls dreaming about getting married in a wedding dress. I suffer stage fright anyway and have a problem with crowds of people looking at me.

You can be married without a wedding. Just sign on the line and that's it.

I'm thinking your objection to becoming someone's wife goes beyond the ceremonial beginning of marriage.

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CindiBri

Married for 34 years, we both are now asexual. We lost total interest in sex 7 years ago, although I'm not sure we had a real intense interest in it even from the beginning. We heard people talking about having sex every night, we just looked at each other wondering what was wrong with us since we each were quite happy to have sex only once a week. Eventually that became once a month and then not at all. His doctor insists he needs to have sex and I have friends who feel sorry for me, one said she'd die if she ever couldn't have sex. Well, obviously, I haven't died from that. We still love each other and hug frequently and kiss night every night. But it was such a relief to learn that we both felt the same way about not having sex anymore.

Oh, forgot to add the part about children... I wanted to have a lot of children, was pregnant six times, gave birth to two healthy babies. The oldest is now 32 and is married and a father of three. Our youngest died in 2000 at the age of 16.

Cindi

Edited by CindiBri

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Bjob

Wife and I have been married 37 years. Although we live in a "best friend" type of relationship, we did have a daughter 34 years ago. We have not had sex together since. Our daughter is normal and married with a daughter of her own. She has always been aware that her dad is "different". Never been an issue.

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Bjob

I'm glad I came here, specifically to this thread. I don't feel so isolated now.

I'm married with grown children, and it's tough to be asexual when my mrs. isn't. She loves me too much to leave and I can't give her what she craves.

I sympathize with you Joe. When my wife and I married 37 years ago, we agreed that she could see others should the need arise. Sort of a "pre-nup" I guess. She never abused the right and it has worked for us. We are more like best friends than husband and wife.

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