Advantages and disadvantages of being asexual

[limegreenespeon]

Hmmm.... this is a good topic.

Pros:

1) I don't have to put forth effort to look good for anyone. I can wear whatever the hell I want.

2) No unplanned pregnancy, unprotected sex. Etc.

3) No dealing with heartbreak.

4) The sense of freedom. No being tied down.

5) Having the friends, (2) that actually believe me, and accept me. Gotta appreciate them. I can be normal.

6) All the free

Cons:

1) Dealing with my very much sexual friends. They like to share. The whole thing makes me nauseous.

2) Dealing with my friends and family who don't know about my sexuality. They keep trying to get me a boyfriend.. T_T

3) The nights spent wide awake wondering how to tell my mom. She'd be crushed.

4) Dealing with the mind numbing, soul crushing loneliness that invades my mind when I'm not on my guard. Yes. I// being totally serious.

5) Coming out to my friends and family, when they don't believe me.

Okay. So number six on the pro list can't/can be counted. But cake is good.

[whenthatsallthatyouvegot]

I'm feeling very negative about my asexuality (I think I'm still in the accepting stage), so at first all I thought of were negatives and then reading this thread made me feel better and gave me some positives. So, reversing the typical order...

Cons:

-I feel like I'm missing out on a fundamentally human experience.

-Feeling like there's something wrong with me

-Inability to relate to what's an incredibly important part of most people's lives

-Fear that I'm going to end up alone

-The social unacceptability of ending up alone (I'm not sure I would mind ending up alone, I function best on my own with occasional social breaks)

-Currently not feeling able to tell my parents/siblings/friends (I might feel like I can eventually)

Pros:

-From my extensive experience of gossiping and reading fanfiction, it seems like sexual desire gets inconvenient sometimes.

-Not dealing with heartbreak

-Being able to look at relationships objectively

-No worries about pregnancy

-Having a label is really helping me

[bligyn]

I used to be very Ace pride, and in a way still am, but I am seeing the negative side now I am in a relationship with a sexual.

Pros:

Can not be overridden, if I think sex or no sex is inappropriate or bad timing I say so without worrying over hormones

No guilt over being attracted to another person than the one I love. One man my father knew said getting his prostrate removed helped that, never was happier.

Now this may seem strange and I hope no one takes offense, but I feel I am more passive due to asexuality, me personally, since sex made me more aggressive. I like being calm and collected in most situations.

Cons:

Less ego boost for my partner. She flirts about sex and I go...uh-huh. And that deflates her a lot. I hate that but i can't play along and be dishonest either.

No passion, lots of love, but no passion. And sometimes she wants passion and I am all like move there...alright do this. A bit of passion would do her good.

Worry. I worry too much about losing the person I love due to lack of thrill in the that department. Everytime I watch Crocodile Dundee I get so angry at him and her. She leaves the dependable guy for the passion, which every movie says to do. And I know I am dependable, a safe bet, always there. But some day a guy might come along with the passionate wild ride she may crave.

[JAKQ7111]

I'm pretty happy with my asexuality, and accept who I am, so here it goes!

Pros:

1. The obvious- no risk of STD's, or of other consequences of unprotected sex (it'd be remarkably hard for me to get pregnant anyway, considering I'm male-bodied, and don't have a uterus)

2. I don't get horny/sexually frustrated, and thus don't do anything stupid related to that (affairs/cheating on a partner, prostitution, what have you)

3. I certainly defy the stereotype of "men" being sex-obsessed, and equating getting sex with love/objectifying the objects of their sexual desires to the point of creepiness (something I thought was a tip-off to being trans*, at first, before I knew about romantic asexuality)

4. I don't have to worry about "defiling" any romantic partners I may have in the future/facing quite as much flak from parents about sexual activities I may be doing.

5. Having a relatively unique outlook on relationships, and a mostly unique voice in my university's queer alliance.

6. Just having words for what I feel and experience, versus other people, to reassure me that I don't have to spend my life just waiting for something to kick in my brain that doesn't necessarily have to.

Cons:

1. People conflating "asexual" with "aromantic", and "hetero-romantic" with "heterosexual", as I once did, making past and future romantic endeavors very complicated.

2. Having to constantly watch what I say around my family, for fear of embarrassing them (this is also partially a genderqueer thing, but the ace thing contributes, as well)

3. Having constant "ace moments" when my friends make sexual double entendres, or when I say something that can be interpreted sexually, when that wasn't how I intended it, and then getting embarrassed about it.

4. People not understanding my experiences/struggles, and belittling them.

[Harp]

Even though this lifestyle can be lonely and hard at times, one of the biggest blessings about it is how we view others. We don't give "pretty" people special privileges based on their looks. We are more adept at seeing people's true colors because we aren't distracted by what is on the outside. Nobody can seduce us, and that is a pretty cool thing. This has lead me to have some pretty awesome friends.

Anybody else have other blessings they would like to share. I know so many asexuals struggle with it, but there are a lot of positive perks and aspects.

[OtherWise]

We don't give "pretty" people special privileges based on their looks. We are more adept at seeing people's true colors because we aren't distracted by what is on the outside.

I don't mean to spit over the purple, grey and black flag but I suspect this isn't always the case. People judge each other based on physical appearances sometimes regardless of potential sexual attraction. I think this is even true in the case of favouring 'pretty' people, despite the fact that no asexual is going to favour a pretty person because of sexual attraction. We're still prone to prejudices about appearances, including those related to beauty and ugliness.

To be honest, the only blessing I've found from being asexual is a reduced risk of STIs and pregnancy, although obviously this is not always the case with all asexuals. I don't think there are any drawbacks, either, though. I don't feel lonelier because of it.

ETA: one blessing, I suppose, is that when you don't experience sexual attraction you are more likely to contemplate what it means and what the alternatives are. Those who assume sexual attraction and romantic attraction are entirely the same thing are unlikely to have a reason to disassociate these feelings in order to understand the complexity of what it is they are feeling about their loved ones.

[Bye Bye Birdy]

x

[Kitty Spoon Train]

The biggest thing I can think of is that lust and love are totally disassociated to me...

I'm not sure what goes on in other people's heads exactly, but I sometimes get the feeling that a lot of relationship drama comes from confusion between lust and love. Heck, being demisexual, I'm pretty sure I've experienced confusion with this in some established past relationships too, but nowhere near as dramatically as other people seem to.

All in all, I feel that I'm able to look at people and sexual-social situations with a reasonably cool head, even though I've been quite capable of running away with very intense but totally non-sexual romantic crushes in the past. :D

[Qutenkuddly]

The threads 'What You Like Best (and Worst) About Being Ace', 'The best things about being asexual', and 'Blessings of being asexual' have been merged into this one.

Qutenkuddly,

Asexual Musings and Rantings Moderator

[Qutenkuddly]

Below is a list of commonly occurring thread topics. Please be sure to check the list before creating a new topic. Replicating a thread topic will likely result in the new thread being merged with the appropriate thread below.

Commonly occurring thread topics:

• Advantages and disadvantages of being asexual
• Asexuality in Fiction and Films
• Black rings and other ways to show asexual pride
• Christianity, the Bible and Asexuality
• Coping with sexual education classes
• Dealing with doctors and other medical professionals
• For asexual writers
• Labels
• Mental health professionals and asexuality
• Music, lyrics and asexuality
• Pap smears and other gynaecological concerns
• Virginity
• What is your Myers-Briggs personality type?
• Your response to discovering you are asexual

(Please note, this is a project in progress.)



Qutenkuddly,
Asexual Musings and Rantings Moderator

[helana12_03]

- Not being affected by all the advertising blatantly targeting people's sexual desires to sell everything from perfume to stock trading courses (no really)!

- Knowing all my asexual friends aren't going to all get married, have children and drift apart from each other

- All the freedom of being single generally

- None of the distraction of the opposite sex at work

- The huge amount of money saved on meals, gifts, following fashion and all the alcohol, entrance fees and taxis of the mating/dating scene

So true!

[lucysnowe]

I can save myself for Mr Right. Lol. I feel repulsed by the idea of sex unless it was with someone I love and married then I would't mind the sacrifice.

[Batman's Ace]

Pros:

The fact that I'm phobic about sex, rape, pregnancy, and childbirth, does not hinder my sex life at all. It just reinforces things.

I get to make very close friends with married men and they don't worry that I'll become a problem.

I'm safe from any knowledge that someone I'm not interested in is flirting with me, because I don't pick up on the signals.

I get to spend more of my time on TV show analysis, philosophy, and imaginary worlds. And music!

Boys with their shirts off are not a problem.

I can fit into the requirements for Moderately Conservative Christian Standard Modesty, Category: Attire without any actual effort.

This whole no-sex-before-marriage thing? I've got it down pat. I'm such a good girl, I don't even have to think about it. :P

Cons:

I worry about being rejected, and even more about being attacked.

Friends my age who get married tend only to hang out with other married folks, so I lose them.

I'm scared to tell people because I might get nasty reactions from friends and family.

I get criticized for apparently not caring enough to make myself pretty to attract a mate.

How to have a romantic relationship is a complete mystery to me.

People give me weird looks when I don't understand certain things.

[KJVA75]

Pros:

1. No STDs! I've dealt with enough health issues in my life so far, thank you very much.

2. Not having to feel self conscious about my body.

3. All the relationship crap that people in relationships have to deal with, like jealousy, breakups, and, on the more serious side, dating violence.

4. Having the bed all to myself. No one to hog the covers, snore, or do other things that would get on my last nerve.

5. More freedom to enjoy the things I like to do.

Cons:

1. Feeling like a freak of nature and always being on the outside looking in.

2. Damn hard to explain without people looking at you like you just grew another head. That's why I'm still in the proverbial "closet".

3. Living in a world where everyone's expected to pair off and birth the next generation.

4. Loneliness.

5. Not quite feeling like an adult. My aversion to alcohol doesn't help there either.

[Sunako]

pro's

1. no relationship problems (cheating breaking up lying)

2. i have more time for my friends family and animals

3. i don't have to feel bad about being weird

4. i don't get put down for who i am or how i look

5. i have time to do what i want without having to feel guilty

6. im not expected to do things against my will in order to make someone else happy

7. im not constantly being told what to do or told what friends i can have

8. no pregnancy/std's

con's

1. people think that you are some weird loser for being alone

2. people trying to constantly fix you up with people

3. people give you the sympathy look like you are pathetic

4. having no one to talk to

5. having no one to act like a dork with

6. losing friends just because they found out you are really asexual

7. being asked over and over again why you don't want a relationship

8. people going out of their way to make you feel sub human because you are not obsessed by other people's parts

[SunnyDecember]

pro's = finding a website like this and seein that other people face the same problems that i do

con's = tellin a friend who is a sexual person that u have no interest in sex but they completely misunderstand what asexuality is ..

i understand why people enjoy sex , i just dont understand why people cant understand that some people dont enjoy sex ..

i over used the word understand but i hope u understand my point

[ithaca]

For all the people who keep saying "NO STDs and NO pregnancy" are Pros of asexuality, Ii'd like to repeat my own post of a few months ago:

Meh, honestly. All this talking about not getting pregnant and not getting STDs doesn't help people who are looking to know more about asexuality to tear it apart from celibacy.

Not getting pregnant nor STDs is a perk of being celibate, which you can be as asexual and as sexual, because it's another thing and it's a choice. I personally cringe when people don't make this distinction :/

The same goes for not spending that much money on contraception etc etc..

All the things I saw mentioned about sexual behaviour, I don't consider them a perk of asexuality but a perk of celibacy. If you are asexual but have sexual activity you will have to worry about all those things as well.

It looks simple to me. Asexuality =/= celibacy.

If we can't get this distinction ourselves, then we shouldn't complain when people don't understand asexuality.

If you're asexual AND celibate, congrats no risk of STDs and pregnancies. But if you're just asexual, it's not automatic to get this "pros".

**cringes** <_<

[Lady Girl]

Well, I can honestly say that I have never had bad sex since I have had none 8)

Also, no need to worry about protection & contraception.

I like this post! I think saying they think this is an asexual advantage has nothing to do with a confusion over celibacy. I think it means these asexuals don't want or plan to have sex at this time and I think a lot of asexuals feel this way...they don't have an urge or desire for sex.

[Qutenkuddly]

For all the people who keep saying "NO STDs and NO pregnancy" are Pros of asexuality, Ii'd like to repeat my own post of a few months ago:

Meh, honestly. All this talking about not getting pregnant and not getting STDs doesn't help people who are looking to know more about asexuality to tear it apart from celibacy.

Not getting pregnant nor STDs is a perk of being celibate, which you can be as asexual and as sexual, because it's another thing and it's a choice. I personally cringe when people don't make this distinction :/

The same goes for not spending that much money on contraception etc etc..

All the things I saw mentioned about sexual behaviour, I don't consider them a perk of asexuality but a perk of celibacy. If you are asexual but have sexual activity you will have to worry about all those things as well.

It looks simple to me. Asexuality =/= celibacy.

If we can't get this distinction ourselves, then we shouldn't complain when people don't understand asexuality.

If you're asexual AND celibate, congrats no risk of STDs and pregnancies. But if you're just asexual, it's not automatic to get this "pros".

**cringes** <_<

The same goes for those stating that no drama, heartbreaks, relationship issues, loneliness, etc. While aromantics make up a sizeable chunk of the asexual population, so, too, does the romantics, for whom asexuality tends to play a distinct disadvantage when it comes to trying to establish and/or maintain romantic relationships. That, and it's quite possible for a sexual to be aromantic, too.

[cOMmUNITY]

The Ace flag...love those colors!

Anyway...for me the top 3 r no "oopsie" kids, no birth control, no STD'S. I am have and enjoy my own space, yet have a network of supportive people around me. once I accepted that I was ace everything that I thought was a problem turned into a solution. My life works bcuz im ace. I love it.

[Sally]

Anyway...for me the top 3 r no "oopsie" kids, no birth control, no STD'S. I am have and enjoy my own space, yet have a network of supportive people around me. once I accepted that I was ace everything that I thought was a problem turned into a solution. My life works bcuz im ace. I love it.

As some people stated above, asexual doesn't mean you don't have sex. Asexual is how you feel, not what you do. I've been asexual all my life; I had two kids, was marred, and in a long relationship.

[JAKQ7111]

Anyway...for me the top 3 r no "oopsie" kids, no birth control, no STD'S. I am have and enjoy my own space, yet have a network of supportive people around me. once I accepted that I was ace everything that I thought was a problem turned into a solution. My life works bcuz im ace. I love it.

As some people stated above, asexual doesn't mean you don't have sex. Asexual is how you feel, not what you do. I've been asexual all my life; I had two kids, was marred, and in a long relationship.

I think that generally means being celibate isn't a struggle for asexuals the same way it is for many sexual people, as they don't have any attraction to fight anyway. Yes, some asexuals may choose to have sex, but odds are, if it's consensual, they will be prepared, and less likely to get pregnant accidentally, or contract STD's, and the like. Correct me if I"m wrong, but that's what I read into those posts.

[Sally]

I think that generally means being celibate isn't a struggle for asexuals the same way it is for many sexual people, as they don't have any attraction to fight anyway. Yes, some asexuals may choose to have sex, but odds are, if it's consensual, they will be prepared, and less likely to get pregnant accidentally, or contract STD's, and the like. Correct me if I"m wrong, but that's what I read into those posts.

You're probably right. But then asexual people aren't necessarily any brighter or more organized than sexual people, so if we do have sex, we may not take what precautions we should, and thus get pregnant and/or STDs. *speaking as one who did*

[ithaca]

Anyway...for me the top 3 r no "oopsie" kids, no birth control, no STD'S. I am have and enjoy my own space, yet have a network of supportive people around me. once I accepted that I was ace everything that I thought was a problem turned into a solution. My life works bcuz im ace. I love it.

As some people stated above, asexual doesn't mean you don't have sex. Asexual is how you feel, not what you do. I've been asexual all my life; I had two kids, was marred, and in a long relationship.

I think that generally means being celibate isn't a struggle for asexuals the same way it is for many sexual people, as they don't have any attraction to fight anyway. Yes, some asexuals may choose to have sex, but odds are, if it's consensual, they will be prepared, and less likely to get pregnant accidentally, or contract STD's, and the like. Correct me if I"m wrong, but that's what I read into those posts.

I understand this might easily be what they mean, though it can be confusing for new people on the site and those who come here to learn about asexuality. They read "asexuality is not celibacy" and then some people post like celibacy is an implied consequence, which shouldn't be, in my opinion.

[Philip027]

If we can't get this distinction ourselves, then we shouldn't complain when people don't understand asexuality.

If you're asexual AND celibate, congrats no risk of STDs and pregnancies. But if you're just asexual, it's not automatic to get this "pros".

**cringes** <_<

I think for many asexual people (myself included) the two go hand in hand, though.

Technically, yes, people avoid those risks because they're celibate. But I'm guessing that for a number of people here, they are celibate because they're asexual. Therefore, to them, they can make the extension that they avoid that unwanted stuff because they're asexual.

[cOMmUNITY]

Anyway...for me the top 3 r no "oopsie" kids, no birth control, no STD'S. I am have and enjoy my own space, yet have a network of supportive people around me. once I accepted that I was ace everything that I thought was a problem turned into a solution. My life works bcuz im ace. I love it.

As some people stated above, asexual doesn't mean you don't have sex. Asexual is how you feel, not what you do. I've been asexual all my life; I had two kids, was marred, and in a long relationship.

I think that generally means being celibate isn't a struggle for asexuals the same way it is for many sexual people, as they don't have any attraction to fight anyway. Yes, some asexuals may choose to have sex, but odds are, if it's consensual, they will be prepared, and less likely to get pregnant accidentally, or contract STD's, and the like. Correct me if I"m wrong, but that's what I read into those posts.

I understand this might easily be what they mean, though it can be confusing for new people on the site and those who come here to learn about asexuality. They read "asexuality is not celibacy" and then some people post like celibacy is an implied consequence, which shouldn't be, in my opinion.

Which is why I said "for me." To clarify: *for the way I live as an asexual* these are the benefits for me. I'd like to have kids and be married (to an Ace). That doesnt all of a sudden morph me into something not Ace. And the fact that I dont currently have kids and a sexual husband doesnt make me automatically celibate. Really...? Cant I just be?

[ithaca]

@ Phil: read the post just above yours to get a reply. Even though I understand many people take their celibacy "for granted", it's something that makes me really cringe in regards of education and common misconceptions on asexuality. This thread is about advantages and disadvantages of asexuality, and no STDs and no pregnancy are consequences of celibacy, which i think everyone can recognize as a choice, while asexuality isn't.

[Lady Girl]

If we can't get this distinction ourselves, then we shouldn't complain when people don't understand asexuality.

If you're asexual AND celibate, congrats no risk of STDs and pregnancies. But if you're just asexual, it's not automatic to get this "pros".

**cringes** <_<

I think for many asexual people (myself included) the two go hand in hand, though.

Technically, yes, people avoid those risks because they're celibate. But I'm guessing that for a number of people here, they are celibate because they're asexual. Therefore, to them, they can make the extension that they avoid that unwanted stuff because they're asexual.

This, and I think most people realize that celibacy is something you consiously choose to do. Whereas if an asexual talks about the benefits of not having sex, it's simply because it is part of their asexuality...not wanting sex seems normal (there's no real effort to abstain as there can be for most celibates). Many asexuals like to talk about the benefits of this natural feeling they have.

Edit: Just saw your post...sorry Ith! They both seem like good points.

[5_♦♣]

Freedom.

The colors of the flag are so easy to incorporate in ones wardrobe, that one doesn't really even have to think about it.

Cons: I honestly can't think of any, personally.

[Guest]

The colors of the flag are so easy to incorporate in ones wardrobe, that one doesn't really even have to think about it.

I like this one, definitely applies to me too (I'm hardly ever out and about without black and purple on... :)).