Advantages and disadvantages of being asexual

[asexcapade]

The hardest thing for me, about being asexual, is not experiencing the connection with my husband intimately. Sex is a big part of a relationship for most people and my husband isn't asexual so it is a very unusual circumstance for me and him. I wish I could connect with him on a deeper level. It takes work to really be able to get both our needs met.

[Kangaraa]

The hardest thing for me is not so much the idea of being alone but the thought that I may never find anyone that really understands me. As I get older, I understand myself better but seem to feel like every one understands me less.

I feel like a walking contradiction at times and I know I am not, because I am me and so it can't be a contradiction. However, I do feel like I will never fit into any of (for lack of a better word) society roles.

Like how I do have a high sex drive but I don't need sex and will happily continue pleasing myself to the end of my days. I think about how if I was sexual and had the need for sex that fitted my sex drive then things wouldn't be so complicated and I wouldn't feel like such a contradiction :P

Still, there is always :D

[Neither]

Right now the hardest thing for me is feeling like I can't come out to my family. I mean I could, but it would probably be pointless as most people don't believe we exist. Telling my parents I'm ace would be like telling them I'm an unicorn... And my step-father would most likely make fun of me for the rest of his life. I'm still in the closet about being agendered for the same reasons.

[Shockwave]

Getting people to stop trying to fix me up with their friends, though not such a problem now that I'm in a committed relationship. Having to deal with people hitting on me or flirting with me. Actually, I think the worst is when other guys try to show me their porn collections (I like tasteful nude photos but holy smurf some of the stuff guys like should be illegal, if it isn't already).

[Ellaa]

Thinking about being alone in the future, while all my really close friends have found partners and won't be there for me. I know I can still have relationships, and I'm Grey-A/demi-sexual so the possibility for a sexual relationship is out there...there's just less of a chance.

Also meeting people I might be interested in, but having them expect so much more of me and me not being able to reciprocate those feelings right away. I very rarely romantically attracted to anyone, let alone sexually, so I always am afraid of turning people down and them thinking its their fault.

I also have a problem with masturbating, because porn can turn me on, and give me the urge to masturbate, but when I do I don't really feel much, and can't get into it or let myself go. Maybe that will change when I find a partner that I'm interested in, but for now sexual pleasure doesn't really exist (and that means no orgasms), despite my semi-regular sexual urges.

[IvyZero]

Well in terms of my advantage in being asexual is......

1. Not getting pregnant.^^''

I really don't want any children.

2. Staying a virgin.^^''

I'm not saying not being a virgin idea bad but I rather not be touched^^''

3. Focusing more on emotional bonding than a sexual one.

Some relationships have a balance of emotional and sexual bonding but for me the emotional one is WAY more important. {I guess that is why of lack being affectionate}

4. Not beongs consume to sex.

Disadvantages

1. Dating someone and you don't get affectionate with them.

Either because you lack it or you're just not an affectionate person it at all.

2. Dating an sexual and you slowly start to have sexual desires........or so you believe.

That is all I can think of in the disadvantage^^''

[Kolibri]

That no one seems to understand that my asexuality isn't just a phase, not at my age. Other people are saying, that it is because I haven't met the right man. I explained it to a few people close to me, but I think they don't get it (or don't want to understand).

And guys, who think that a "no" is because of shyness and not because I don't want more than friendship.

[Ithaka]

I agree that it's cool to not have to buy into the manufactured ideal of sex that our culture perpetuates -- even as a gray-ace, the one person I'm into is the polar opposite of the ideal in every single way. I'm not putting sexuals down, but it's easier to realize that sort of thing when you aren't distracted by the bulgy physical attributes you've been programmed to like (regardless of gender, might I add). That being said, it comes with a whole lotta other issues.

Just the other day I was feeling really pent-up with frustration, and my family wheedled an answer out of me pertaining to why I was so distant and perturbed. When I finally explained, they didn't know what to say. When I explained further, their responses were: "Why are you using so many labels?" Answer: because it's easier and less awkward to explain it that way. Think about it. Does a sexual say 'My throat jumped and my blankety-blank blanked when I saw them'? No. They say that they got turned on. I have every right to use a label rather than going into details that I'd rather not share. Yet they seemed to think that I'd pulled a bunch of clinical jargon out of my hindquarters and applied it to myself, trying to stick myself in a box. That's the last thing I'm trying to do, but they insisted that I not do so and "keep an open mind." I know that this sort of thing isn't in their realm of expertise and they're just trying to help, but those sort of responses are really invalidating.

I'm pretty sure if I said I was gay, they wouldn't tell me to "not label myself" and "keep an open mind." They'd accept that I was gay -- or, if I was from a really conservative family, they wouldn't -- and they'd more or less support it. Yet instead they're setting me up for an appointment with my psychologist.

[Sarah 22]

Sometimes I wish I could just be normal. I don't want to be alone yet I can't give what is expected of me.

Agreed :)

[GeeWhillikersJerry]

Feelings of meaninglessness. Made far worse by people who react with "really? lol what's the point of living without sex?" I do not know, sir.

Also, living in a world where the majority of people are consumed by their need for sexual gratification. It's like being stuck in a repulsive conversation and not being able to leave or change the topic, and you can't even rant about it because everybody else is squealing with delight. Forever.

not sad tho

[trillingslied]

I really struggle with the desire to be romantically/emotionally close to someone, but knowing that they 'desire' me in a different way. Not to say I think my romantic partners have always only wanted me for sex, because I know that's false, but that sex is a big part of a relationship for most people. And for me, it's the one thing I desperately want to do without.

I end up making my partners feel rejected because I don't want sex, even though I care about him intensely. and the constant pressure (self imposed or otherwise) to have sex makes me resentful and emotionally distant, which ruins the relationship for me too.

In essence, I guess... I love being in love, but I dread them because i know I'll probably hurt my partner in the end.

[Astrix]

I really struggle with the desire to be romantically/emotionally close to someone, but knowing that they 'desire' me in a different way. Not to say I think my romantic partners have always only wanted me for sex, because I know that's false, but that sex is a big part of a relationship for most people.

This. But for me, I also have a #2, since I'm in a combined/compromising relationship: having regular sex. :)

[Strider]

Having people think you're really just gay but afraid to admit it.

This! Even tho I've explained in details that I'm actually asexual they somehow refuse to comprehend and say that I'm simply a lesbian who's not fully aware of it yet /:

oh, and of course sometimes I'm also afraid of ending up forever alone but I'm trying to always look on the bright side of life and think positive^^

[AshenPhoenix]

the fact that theres not enough visibility on Asexuality. I feel like if everyone knew about it like bi or gay I could just say it and get the "oh, kay then" reaction. Theres also the fact that before learning many aces feel like theres something wrong or broken, I feel like alot of issues could be fixed if it were more out there. And then theres also the fact that if alot more people knew about it the few threads (and huge amount of posts) on reactions like "but everybody likes it" "you cant get any" "you've got something wrong with you" and the infamous one where someone claims we dont exist, wouldnt even be needed. But oh well, just keep trying to get it out there in the meantime,

[trillingslied]

I really struggle with the desire to be romantically/emotionally close to someone, but knowing that they 'desire' me in a different way. Not to say I think my romantic partners have always only wanted me for sex, because I know that's false, but that sex is a big part of a relationship for most people.

This. But for me, I also have a #2, since I'm in a combined/compromising relationship: having regular sex. :)

Actually, yeah. I forgot about that. Same here, as I'm also in a relationship with a sexual partner. It's...stressful.

[Astrix]

I really struggle with the desire to be romantically/emotionally close to someone, but knowing that they 'desire' me in a different way. Not to say I think my romantic partners have always only wanted me for sex, because I know that's false, but that sex is a big part of a relationship for most people.

This. But for me, I also have a #2, since I'm in a combined/compromising relationship: having regular sex. :)

Actually, yeah. I forgot about that. Same here, as I'm also in a relationship with a sexual partner. It's...stressful.

Whew, no kidding there. Sometimes it's the underlying thread of tension throughout my entire day... but worth it (for me), for someone I love.

[trillingslied]

I really struggle with the desire to be romantically/emotionally close to someone, but knowing that they 'desire' me in a different way. Not to say I think my romantic partners have always only wanted me for sex, because I know that's false, but that sex is a big part of a relationship for most people.

This. But for me, I also have a #2, since I'm in a combined/compromising relationship: having regular sex. :)

Actually, yeah. I forgot about that. Same here, as I'm also in a relationship with a sexual partner. It's...stressful.

Whew, no kidding there. Sometimes it's the underlying thread of tension throughout my entire day... but worth it (for me), for someone I love.

I think it's worth it if your partner understands and accepts that your experience of sex is fundamentally different than his/hers rather than viewing it as something to be 'worked on' or changed.

I really struggle with the desire to be romantically/emotionally close to someone, but knowing that they 'desire' me in a different way. Not to say I think my romantic partners have always only wanted me for sex, because I know that's false, but that sex is a big part of a relationship for most people.

This. But for me, I also have a #2, since I'm in a combined/compromising relationship: having regular sex. :)

Actually, yeah. I forgot about that. Same here, as I'm also in a relationship with a sexual partner. It's...stressful.

Whew, no kidding there. Sometimes it's the underlying thread of tension throughout my entire day... but worth it (for me), for someone I love.

I think it's worth it if your partner understands and accepts that your experience of sex is fundamentally different than his/hers rather than viewing it as something to be 'worked on' or changed.

[Stargazer7]

I'm with the person that said wanting a romantic/emotional relationship, but not wanting the sex. And it's hard to find that (unless you're lucky enough to find another asexual of course). Even if I love the person, I'm not sure I could compromise with sex, that's something I just don't see happening.

[Small_Face]

The awkward moment when people say "Who was your first?" because I'm out on the town all the time, so people naturally assume I'm a 'pulling machine or something' when I have never actually pulled in a club; I just go to dance and drink. I'm very selective about my clubs because if the music isn't good, I won't enjoy it at all.

Aside from that, I don't see any bad things about being asexual. Naturally, I'm far less susseptable to sexualised advertising, haven't got the worry of "when am I gonna get it, if ever?" because I simply do not care, and when people ask about my orientation, I open their eyes to asexuality and help them understand a world without sex (Usually the conversation is "Chris, Can I ask you something?" "You already did, but go on." "Are you gay/straight/bi?" "I'm none, I'm asexual" "Oh! Explain?" and yadda yadda ya) Being an optimist, I don't tend to see most things in a negative light. Being ace is part of who I am, and if I can't change it, why should it bother me?

Asexual? More like Yaysexual :D (It's 2:22am I can't sleep so my puns are really bad right now XD)

[Stiig]

For me it was not knowing about asexuality at all and thinking I was a flawed human being.

When I did not know I tried to live as a sexual being, which only created confusion in me and my girlfriends.

Now that I know I feel free, eventhough many old friends do not believe there even is a thing as asexuality, wish I would have known many years earlier, could have prevented much grief.

[Aga]

My life is one big lie, I lie everyone about my relationships (never existed), sex life (never existed) and orientation (sometimes its easier to say I'm lesbian or bi). So I would say that life is difficult for asexual person, full of lies and awkward moments. I'm happy to be here with people who understand me. I feel so much lighter after I wrote it!

[*killer*queen*]

For me, it's a toss-up between not realizing that people are hitting on me (more the awkwardness that ensues) and the constant fear that I will not be able to satisfy my partner.

I've gotten far better about figuring this out, the subtle hitting-on anyway. The obvious is, well, obvious to me usually. The not feeling I'm good enough. I don't know that it's, for me at least, a strictly Ace thing, but more to do with my personality. But then a lot of my personality quirks are the driving force behind me thinking I'm not good enough, and some of those tie in with the Aceness. Vicious circle. Especially when I'm depressed (even a little bit because let's face it, the thought is always there, most days I'm just good about ignoring it) it's easy to believe and I think I'm an idiot.

It was probably easier before I figured everything out actually. I didn't question the reason behind things, I was just the way I was. Nowadays, there can be so much more doubt and I second guess just about everything as it is.

[Yukana]

That people condescend me for it, or consider me too young. I am mature enough to know my sexuality, that is how I feel right now. I have never had sexual attraction, although I may be a late bloomer. I hate getting that "One day you will find that person" crap.

The other thing is that I feel like I will be alone forever. The possibility of me meeting an other asexual person who would want to be with me is very small. That is quite a bummer.

[Xeno]

Being afraid that I'll always be alone since I have absolutly no interest in sex.

[Vyanni Krace]

The hardest thing for me is my never ending curiosity conflicting with my complete unwillingness to partake in anything even remotely romantic. It just makes me all the more curious about what all that weird romantic/sex stuff is about but my fear and unwillingness, my general lack of personal interest in the act (as well as social awkwardness) stop me from going any further than speculation. Also I dont ever want to give up my virginity. That, I am certian of.

I can never shake off my curiosity though. I am a horribly curious person, its one of my numerous faults/gifts.

[Gen2387]

I guess the hardest thing about being asexual is the loneliness. I consider myself a romantic asexual so I do want to be with someone but not sexually. I do want to find a man to spend my life with and be in a romantic (NOT sexual) relationship. Someone you can be close to. Someone like me. But as we live in a VERY sexualized society, it's extremely difficult to find a guy that meets my needs. It's slim pickings out there.

I also find it hard to relate to other people. My friends all have boyfriends or girlfriends and when I hang out with them I always feel sort of like a third wheel even if we're in a group. When the subject turns to sex or relationship, I just close up because I have no idea what to say. I've even lied once about sexual stuff because I was too scared to tell them I am asexual. I've been in 1 relationship in my life and that was 3 years ago. I'm 25 years old. And the guy broke it off the day after I told him I was a virgin and that I wasn't ready to have sex (I said that because at that time I didn't know I was asexual... I just thought there was something wrong with me because I loved the guy but didn't want to have sex.)

The last thing I found difficult is the self doubt before I knew about asexuality. I felt like something was wrong with me and felt bad all the time. Since I've realized that I am asexual, I do feel better about myself and more ''normal''.

Ok, so I revealed a lot more than I wanted too but I guess it's nice to rant once in a while. :)

.

[lastowl]

i seem to have the same thing as most here very few sexual people understand what its like so they dont really believe it

[Ace Of <3 s]

Pros: No annoying potentially life consuming sexual attraction. Less likely to look like a dribbling wreck in front of someone :L Also less likely to get STDs etc (from my point of view anyway- because one night stands etc sound horrendous to me due to my asexuality)

Pro and con: Not getting attached as quickly- less likely to be hurt but at the same time I would love to be attached more quickly than I currently do at the moment.

Cons: From a romantic point of view (for non-aros), liking someone and then realising it won't work because they are too sexual for you or they don't understand your orientation :(

[Germanicus]

I think some of the discussion about if the STD risk and heartbreak and so on are intrinsically asexual benefits or coincidences can be summed up by what I'd call the big pro in my life of my orientation:

It is much, much easier to be single.

I'm not saying there aren't sexuals who are single and happy, there absolutely are. But they tend to find prolonged single life more difficult because of the missing element if they don't have a partner for too long (at least this certainly seems to be the case with my sexual friends, they often state it explicitly indeed). Asexuals can be alone in life more easily for longer without that nagging pressure if they want to be. Not all asexuals will find the single life is for them, but the ones who do have a much easier time of it without some of the classic complications of singledom.

[mokulen22]

People more interested in disproving your claim then actually supporting you. :(