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A perplexing question, IMO...


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Hello:

Recently I spoke at the local university here and represented "asexuality" on a panel of primarily LGBT folks. It went very well, but at the end of my last panel discussion, the "gay male" representative told me that up until 19 years old, he thought he was asexual, because he was severely overweight and had never thought anyone would ever find him attractive, and therefore never even thought about or had any feelings regarding sexual attraction. But when he began having sexual experiences with other gay me, he discovered that he had a "huge libido", and from that point on, has been an extremely sexual being. When he told me that story, I was a bit shaken. Maybe I've adopted the "asexual" label too prematurely, or maybe it is used as an "excuse" for my "non-sexual lifestyle"? Can anyone offer any feedback on this story...whether his circumstances are common among most of us who identify as "asexual"...or does the definition of asexuality imply that the lack of sexual attraction must stay fixed or constant throughout one's life? What I learned from listening to all the panel members, and I what I believe, is that sexuality is fluid and ever-changing...to an extent. So, what do you think???????

Michael

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Rob Peterson
Maybe I've adopted the "asexual" label too prematurely, or maybe it is used as an "excuse" for my "non-sexual lifestyle"? Can anyone offer any feedback on this story...whether his circumstances are common among most of us who identify as "asexual"...or does the definition of asexuality imply that the lack of sexual attraction must stay fixed or constant throughout one's life? What I learned from listening to all the panel members, and I what I believe, is that sexuality is fluid and ever-changing...to an extent. So, what do you think???????

At the present time, I haven't had sex with anyone, I've never had an orgasm, and I don't have the drive to gratify myself sexually, so I consider myself an asexual. The thought of having sex with anyone disturbs me - not because of the act itself, which I regard with indifference, but because my virginity is tied to my identity. If I were to start having sex with someone I loved deeply and I ended up enjoying the experience, I don't know what effect that would have on my identity.

I think that I would continue to lack the pressing urge to have sex that sexuals have naturally, even if I enjoyed the experience. If that's the case, I might still consider myself asexual. However, if I suddenly felt a pressing desire to have sex again, I would have to re-evaluate my sexual identity. I doubt that would happen, but I don't rule it out as an impossibility.

I wouldn't go so far as to say that sexuality is fluid and ever-changing for most people (in fact, I think it's not for a majority of people), but I do acknowledge the possibility that my sexual identity could change in my life. There are people here who have had sex various times, but have never enjoyed the experience and either are repelled by the thought of having sex again or simply lack the desire to have sex again. I would describe the asexual identities of these people as static, not fluid, even though they had sex in the process of figuring out their sexual identities.

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This query may be age dependent: at 58, knowing self & reactions to a huge range of situations very thoroughly, I am *certain* I am an asexual.

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I would be wary of making any kind of statement about sexuality until you really know for sure 100% but to be fair nobody is ever going to know that except you.

Although I think teenage is too early to really know, that's just my opinion. If anyone says they KNOW they are asexual//bi/gay/hetero or whatever I am not going to argue with them, it's not my body or my life they're making choices about :)

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bard of aven

55, male, a yesterday, a today, a forever.

That being said: Some of our active and formerly active forum members have realized that the are not asexual. The number who have said so is quite small, I think. And that's fine too. None of us knows our future. Be who you are today.

boa

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None of us knows our future sayeth boa-

o yes we do. It's called being dead.

As for some of the things that may happen before that state, within/to us in however long our future is - true. We can, however, have a bloody good handle on how we react to those things by how we've reacted in the past - paticularly when our past has several decades.

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Recently I spoke at the local university here and represented "asexuality" on a panel of primarily LGBT folks. It went very well, but at the end of my last panel discussion, the "gay male" representative told me that up until 19 years old, he thought he was asexual, because he was severely overweight and had never thought anyone would ever find him attractive, and therefore never even thought about or had any feelings regarding sexual attraction. But when he began having sexual experiences with other gay me, he discovered that he had a "huge libido", and from that point on, has been an extremely sexual being.

It sounds to me as if this guy subconsciously knew that he was a homosexual all along, however, his self-esteem, or lack thereof, affected his outlook on life as well as libido. He says that he felt that no one found him attractive, however, did you notice that he did not mention his view on others?

If you see this guy again ask him about whether or not he was sexually attracted to people; ask him whether or not he still found guys attractive in a sexual sense. Do not ask him about his sex drive though because sexual attraction and sex drive are two separate issues, even if though they can be intertwined.

whether his circumstances are common among most of us who identify as "asexual"...or does the definition of asexuality imply that the lack of sexual attraction must stay fixed or constant throughout one's life? What I learned from listening to all the panel members, and I what I believe, is that sexuality is fluid and ever-changing...to an extent. So, what do you think???????

Both. I think that there are some asexuals whose sexualities are fixed, while there may be others who can be fluid. It just depends on the person.

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biggreenmonkey

I'm happy to hear it went well for you- I was thinking about you the past week :D

As for your question: I'm 16. Ever since puberty I have felt the need to conform to my friends, gushing over hot guys and talking about dream marriages. When I discovered this site, it was such a relief to know that I wasn't the only one. Is there a possibility that prehaps my lack of sexual feelings will change? Absolutely. However, for now, this is how I feel and no one can tell me otherwise. I'm certain it's not a lack of self esteem or repression- I want to have sexual feelings. But until things change, I will be asexual.

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Concerning the fluidity of sexuality, I personally believe that, while it may be a little fluid, it's mostly concrete. I do see it as rather likely that a repressed sexual could label themselves asexual. It may even be comforting to them to know that there are others who aren't getting any yet are happy, though for them the reason is different. The matter of fitting in is often important to people, expecially younger people, so I can easily see a young sexual who isn't getting any claiming to be asexual to fit in, even if it is with such a small minority.

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Maybe I've adopted the "asexual" label too prematurely, or maybe it is used as an "excuse" for my "non-sexual lifestyle"?

I've wondered that about myself, too. I've never really been sexually attracted to anyone, but then I haven't exactly had a lot of people beating down the door, either! I'm shy and often socially awkward, and for a long time attributed my lack of relationships/attractions to that. Also, I don't feel the repulsion towards sex that many people here describe. I'm mostly indifferent towards the idea. I'm almost 29 and still a virgin, and have no desire to seek out sex. I would be just fine remaining a virgin for the rest of my life. But, it's also hard for me to say for sure that I could NEVER enjoy sex, even if I were to meet someone I loved deeply.

On the other hand, when I hear friends and acquaintances talk about their "love lives" and see otherwise rational and intelligent people acting irrationally and doing things that could seriously mess up their lives, all over sex and/or a sexual relationship, I realize I can't even BEGIN to relate. Even before I'd heard of the label "asexual", I used to hear couples committed to abstinence till marriage talk about how hard it was and what a struggle it was, and although I took their word for it, inside I would think "...it doesn't seem like it'd be that hard to just not have sex."

One thing that I think (for me at least) makes identifying oneself as "asexual" a little harder than identifying as, say, gay or lesbian, is that asexuality is a negative. If you look at people of your own sex and realize that you're sexually attracted to them, you can feel pretty confident in saying you're gay (or at least bisexual). But if you're asexual, and don't feel an attraction towards *anyone* -- well, who's to say you won't in the future? Maybe you "just haven't met the right person yet"?

What I learned from listening to all the panel members, and I what I believe, is that sexuality is fluid and ever-changing...to an extent. So, what do you think???????

As others have said, I'm not convinced this is true as a rule for most people, nor am I even sure exactly what is meant by it. Is that to say that it's likely that someone will have mostly homosexual attractions one day and mostly heterosexual attractions the next day? From what I've heard gay and lesbian (and for that matter straight) people say, that doesn't seem to be true for the majority of people. Not to say there's never any "fluidity", but I guess statements like this worry me a little since they seem to feed into the idea that being gay is a "choice" (which leads to the conclusion that discrimination based on someone's "choice" is okay).

Anyway, just my thoughts...

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I've wondered that about myself, too. I've never really been sexually attracted to anyone, but then I haven't exactly had a lot of people beating down the door, either! I'm shy and often socially awkward, and for a long time attributed my lack of relationships/attractions to that. Also, I don't feel the repulsion towards sex that many people here describe. I'm mostly indifferent towards the idea. I'm almost 29 and still a virgin, and have no desire to seek out sex. I would be just fine remaining a virgin for the rest of my life. But, it's also hard for me to say for sure that I could NEVER enjoy sex, even if I were to meet someone I loved deeply.

I'm a bit reluctant to label myself "asexual", because I'm not the most gorgeous woman in the world and it may be that I have a subconscious "fox&grapes" situation after all :) On the other hand, I've met people who have been attracted to me and wanted to have sex with me, but I've said no.

Besides, I think that extremely few people who are totally unable to get laid (nowadays for example, there are many severely disabled people who have non-disabled partners). And at least it is possible for nearly everybody - men and women alike - to *buy* sex, if they don't get it in any other way.

I've never been very motivated to have sex, although I admit that the lack of it may have made me "lacking in general education". But I don't think I have missed any irreplaceable pleasures, because I just don't like or need physical intimacy.

On the other hand, when I hear friends and acquaintances talk about their "love lives" and see otherwise rational and intelligent people acting irrationally and doing things that could seriously mess up their lives, all over sex and/or a sexual relationship, I realize I can't even BEGIN to relate. Even before I'd heard of the label "asexual", I used to hear couples committed to abstinence till marriage talk about how hard it was and what a struggle it was, and although I took their word for it, inside I would think "...it doesn't seem like it'd be that hard to just not have sex."

Just like my thoughts, just like my thoughts...

Maybe you "just haven't met the right person yet"?

I've wondered that, too. But on the other hand, I've never been so motivated to find the right person :)

As others have said, I'm not convinced this is true as a rule for most people, nor am I even sure exactly what is meant by it.

I think that usually people's orientations do not radically change. OK, I've heard about gay people who have occasional platonic or even non-platonic romances with the opposite sex. And one of my friends has gone from hetero to bi/lesbian in her late twenties.

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One thing that I think (for me at least) makes identifying oneself as "asexual" a little harder than identifying as, say, gay or lesbian, is that asexuality is a negative.

Being exclusively homosexual is still viewed as a negative.

If you look at people of your own sex and realize that you're sexually attracted to them, you can feel pretty confident in saying you're gay (or at least bisexual). But if you're asexual, and don't feel an attraction towards *anyone* -- well, who's to say you won't in the future? Maybe you "just haven't met the right person yet"?

Well, not everyone is confident in what he or she feels towards other people, especially when one considers how complex human psychology, physiology, biology, and sociology are. People are taught that either they are heterosexual or homosexual, at least in American society. It would not be so easy to label oneself if a person has had attractions to members of both sexes, especially if it's not a pretty even attraction because we are taught to polarize ourselves.

As far as your question is concerned, the same can be argued for several people. Who's to say that someone who's homosexual could not become attracted to a member of the opposite sex? Who can say that someone who's heterosexual could not become attracted to someone of the same-sex?

As others have said, I'm not convinced this is true as a rule for most people, nor am I even sure exactly what is meant by it. Is that to say that it's likely that someone will have mostly homosexual attractions one day and mostly heterosexual attractions the next day? From what I've heard gay and lesbian (and for that matter straight) people say, that doesn't seem to be true for the majority of people. Not to say there's never any "fluidity", but I guess statements like this worry me a little since they seem to feed into the idea that being gay is a "choice" (which leads to the conclusion that discrimination based on someone's "choice" is okay).

I do not believe that that was implied. I think he was saying that sexuality can change; in other words, there is always a possibility for one's sexuality to change. Once again, I'm going state how much societal and social pressure can influence a person to choose between heterosexual and homosexual.

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Rob Peterson
I've wondered that about myself, too. I've never really been sexually attracted to anyone, but then I haven't exactly had a lot of people beating down the door, either! I'm shy and often socially awkward, and for a long time attributed my lack of relationships/attractions to that. Also, I don't feel the repulsion towards sex that many people here describe. I'm mostly indifferent towards the idea. I'm almost 29 and still a virgin, and have no desire to seek out sex. I would be just fine remaining a virgin for the rest of my life. But, it's also hard for me to say for sure that I could NEVER enjoy sex, even if I were to meet someone I loved deeply.

I'm a 23 year-old virgin and I feel the same way you do about this. I'm indifferent towards the idea of sex, not disgusted by it. I think it's possible that I could enjoy sex if I had it with someone I loved deeply (though I doubt I'd ever have the passion for it others seem to), but because of how socially awkward I am (mainly because I don't partake in social activities that don't make sense to me just to fit in), few people end up getting close enough to me to have any kind of relationship with me, let alone a sexual one. I would only be romantically involved with someone who accepted me for who I am, not for what society would have me be.

On the other hand, when I hear friends and acquaintances talk about their "love lives" and see otherwise rational and intelligent people acting irrationally and doing things that could seriously mess up their lives, all over sex and/or a sexual relationship, I realize I can't even BEGIN to relate.

I know someone who got into an actual physical brawl with her closest family members over a sexual partner, to the point that she started strangling her sister in a moment of rage. I cannot relate with sexual people who place their sexual partners above everything else in their lives (family, friends, career, etc.), yet many of them do.

Even before I'd heard of the label "asexual", I used to hear couples committed to abstinence till marriage talk about how hard it was and what a struggle it was, and although I took their word for it, inside I would think "...it doesn't seem like it'd be that hard to just not have sex."

I'm fairly sure I wouldn't have to struggle to remain abstinent if I were romantically involved someone for years without having sex, so I also found it hard to relate to those who claim it's so difficult. Sexual intercourse seems very arbitrary to me since I don't yearn for it, so hearing someone struggle with not having sex before marriage is tantamount for me to someone struggling with not being able to stick their little toe in their partner's belly-button until the day they get married.

I do consider sexual intercourse the highest expression of intimacy in the world, but it still seems arbitrary to me, even though I know it's not arbitrary to others. When I was younger, I used to think the desire for sex was something socialized from birth for people and other animals, not a natural thing, and that I just hadn't been socialized in that regard. However, my theory was proven wrong when my cat, who had never interacted with a sexually-active cat during her formative years, suddenly wound up in heat and started having sex with furniture around the house and moaning for companionship. She only stopped having sex with inanimate objects and moaning when I had her spayed. Observing my cat's behavior, I realized that the desire for sex just suddenly appears in most people when they hit puberty - it just didn't appear for me.

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One thing that I think (for me at least) makes identifying oneself as "asexual" a little harder than identifying as, say, gay or lesbian, is that asexuality is a negative.

Being exclusively homosexual is still viewed as a negative.

To clarify, by "negative" I meant that asexuality is defined by something we DON'T feel, rather than something we do feel. I wasn't making a value judgment!

It would not be so easy to label oneself if a person has had attractions to members of both sexes, especially if it's not a pretty even attraction because we are taught to polarize ourselves.

That's certainly true. I wasn't trying to belittle the struggles that people of other sexual orientations might have in identifying themselves. I guess I was just trying to say that, for me, it can be hard to conclusively identify myself as something defined by what I *don't* feel (so I don't feel it now...that doesn't mean I never will...etc.) I don't know if that makes sense or not!

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It sounds to me as if this guy subconsciously knew that he was a homosexual all along, however, his self-esteem, or lack thereof, affected his outlook on life as well as libido. He says that he felt that no one found him attractive, however, did you notice that he did not mention his view on others?

I agree with all of this, because I think it's unlikely that he started having sex with men withOUT having felt attraction to them, and I think it was just his poor self-esteem that kept him from "owning" his sexuality until he showed himself that he COULD get people to have sex with him.

If someone's asexuality is caused by medical or psychological issues, if those issues are overcome I think it's entirely likely that they'll stop being asexual... but that doesn't have any connection whatsoever to those who are asexual because we were BORN that way, and are 5, 10, 20 or more years too old to be "late bloomers."

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  • 2 weeks later...
The thought of having sex with anyone disturbs me - not because of the act itself, which I regard with indifference, but because my virginity is tied to my identity. If I were to start having sex with someone I loved deeply and I ended up enjoying the experience, I don't know what effect that would have on my identity.

.

I completely agree. I also regard my untouched state as a part of who I am. I've tried to imagine myself in a sexual encounter, and I just can't do it. Somehow, the idea of me and sex, and anyone thinking of me in a sexual way, just seems wrong. This is a part of why I consider myself to be asexual, now and always. Do I believe it's possible for people's feelings to change as they go about their lives? Absolutely. In my case, however, I believe that my brain is simply wired differently, and I am incapable of having sexual feelings for anyone. Honestly, I don't believe that one can "stumble" across one's libido, as if it were some kind of hidden treasure. It seems to me that you can't not know something like that about yourself. So, I find it hard to believe that that particular gentleman didn't know he "had a huge libido" until he started having relationships with men. He must've had some kind of idea, but suppressed it out of embarassment. All of this, of course, is just an opnion. After all, how can we really know what's really happening inside someone else's head?

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I go to an alternative school ( which is not for looserdropouts but for those who find the public school system boring/soul crushing and want to learn things in a more dynamic community oriented way) in which there is a large active queer community. all my queer freinds are sort of obsessed with not being labelled and this mania has passed on to me. i think it is dangerous to get too caught up in your sexual identity as a label of personaility. in my experience i have found that i change so much, i would never want to decide that "I am asexual now and will be until the day i die"

this is where i am right now. i feel that it fits for me better then anyhting else i;ve ever found, but i am open to the possiblity that this may change. even when i considered myself heterosexual i was open to the possibility of falling in love with a girl.

on the other hand, i think i still have an idea in my head that i have to have sex to be normal ( old habits die hard) and i still can;t quite bring myself to bleieve that asexuality is a normal healthy state. i beleive that i may one day do so though. who knows.

man i really gotta go to sleep

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Ok, now comes the one with the weirdest anwers :roll:

MY sexuality is fluid and ever-changing. I got over this fact way before i knew this much about asexuality (I've always known the general concept, but as something too abstract) I have times when I'm more atracted to girls, and times I prefer boys, but I also have periods of time when I almost don't even look (almost, seeing beauty is always nice)

I was a "late bloomer" or whatever you want to call it. I didn't fit in, and never understood all the fuzz about relationships and that stuff. I really didn't pay attention to people, and well, I guess when puberty hit I was depressed and too worried trying to have friends, that a "significant other" seemed irrelevant, why would I need that? Self-esteem problems, and social issues were there, but I'm not that sure that were the only reason why I wasn't really atracted to people, there were "hot guys" out there, and I enjoyed "watching" them, but it wasn't sexual.

When I was 17 I "fell in love" with a girl over the internet. I'm still not sure if the attention was all I wanted, but I felt in love. I realized then that I had liked girls all along, and I was aesthetically atracted to them too. I labeled myself as bisexual, but back then I think I was more of a "type B" because my "sex drive" definitely hadn't been found :roll: I didn't actually want to have sex, and I didn't see as something necesary for a relationship, but as something to give to the other person (actually I never did)

When I was about to turn 19 I discovered "my sex" drive, or at least the feeling of arousal, that definitely hadn't been there before. That lead me to think "that's it! now I can have sex, my body already wants it!" But well, my mind doesn't :lol: It might be fear, I don't know. The only person I've seriously talked with about this says that that's the problem, and that I can't tell without trying first.

I actually like the idea of sex (I love reading erotica) but only as long as it doesn't involve ME. Then it's not that nice to think about. I also know that if I want to get laid, I can easily do so, I've already had enough chances.

I know that just for myself, I can live the rest of my life without sex. I might have to kill my sisters, or simply lie to them so they let me alone, but other than that :roll: At the same time, I know that if I find somebody special who definitely wants it, and is able to get me in the mood, I'll give it a try. If this doesn't happen, I'm ok with it. I love everything else, but people don't exist for me from waist down.

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  • 4 weeks later...
confused but not confused

Even if the sexuality is like a fluid but still you don't have to experience to find it out. This idea is totally absurd. Majority of the sexual people first get attracted and then started having sex. Even when you are inactive hetrosexual person, you feel to have sex that's how people make moves. I know many virgin straight girls who are/were anxiously looking forward to their wedding one day. I am asexual so even if I tried to think of my marriage and sex, I can't because I am not attracted to. Just as an example: One of my friend is Bisexual and "virgin" belonging to a traditional religious family. When she declared that she is Bisexual, his father asked her that how can she think of being Bisexual before marriage. She replied to his father that how did you know that you are hetrosexual before proposing my mother? I mean while knowing being a hetrosexual person, nobody needs to be sexually active. Similarly for being asexual or whatever, unless a person in a phase of denial. That gay-male was in a state of denial, I think.

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