Volatile Sexuality

[noysoffer]

Here's the story. I'm a 19 year old female chemistry-mathematics university student and a music theory teacher. Okay, one general statement about myself, and now for my sexuality.

About Me in Friendships

To me, friendships are much more valuable than sexual and romantic relationships. I don't really believe in dating, rather in finding love from friendship. Nearly all of my friends are male, and despite being a guy's girl, I'm still pretty feminine, meaning, I wear dresses and 3 inch pumps and boots, I love all sorts of soaps, I am very clean, I like exotic flowers, etc. Yet, I do not succumb to any sort of gender role, and I believe that women can do everything that men can do, from sports to work to car repairs. So, in a way, I wouldn't be surprised to learn that my guy friends are sexually attracted to me, though I am very likely to be in denial of the fact.

History

I first had sex with a guy when I was 13. He was my boyfriend, and he didn't want to rush, but I forced him to. I didn't have sex for 3 years (out of guilt for sinning... and no, I'm not religious, simply grew up in a traditional household), until I was 16, and had sex with my guy friend (not boyfriend). Up to that point, I hated sex, and didn't have sex for 2.5 years, during which I thought I was asexual, until I had sex with my best friend by mistake, who's a guy in an open relationship, and I enjoyed it. At that point, I decided that I was probably demisexual or something.

About a week ago, I went on the first date in my life, with a wonderful guy, but I kept on telling him that we can't be together (because I kind of didn't mention online that I'm aromantic... and no, we didn't meet through online dating, we met randomly, when I was looking for calculus tests), though the date involved lots of enjoyable cuddling. We still stayed friends, though I keep on wishing that we would've met under non-date circumstances. Strangely enough, I enjoyed the online flirting, and his reply was the highlight of my day, but when we met, I felt like the magic was gone, because we were both in very different places romantically and sexually.

Yesterday, I tried fencing for the first time in my life, and realized that I kind of fence like I have sex, and it gave me the same high that sex gave me. Plus, I told one of my fencing partners (a gay girl) my big huge secret.

The Secret

Despite only having sex with men and even enjoying the sex with one of the men, I've only ever fantasized about having sex with women, because they're prettier than men and cleaner than men. I can feel raw sexual attraction towards women (meaning according to their looks, smells, vibes, etc.), whereas, I can only be sexually attracted to men whom I love and do not experience raw sexual attraction towards men.

But, I mustn't succumb to this raw sexual attraction, because it's irrational, whereas, love is rational, because I can analyze somebody in order to determine whether or not I love them, but I cannot analyze someone to determine whether or not I'm sexually attracted to them. I cannot be irrational.

What happened next

After fencing, my fencing partner (the lesbian) and I went to Set Theory class, and afterwards, I invited her over to my place, where I told her my big secret. Basically, I said that I only fantasize about sex with women, though I have never acted upon my fantasies and that I'm demisexual towards men. She said that she'd try an experiment, meaning she kind of came close and tried to kiss me, but I turned away quickly, out of fear of acting upon these lesbian fantasies. The conversation kept on flowing after the attempted kiss, which is good, because I like conversation.

What the Hell is on my Mind

What am I??? Is my "demisexuality" towards men an expression for the fact that I'm truly a lesbian, who has trouble connecting intimately with a women, because I'm such a guys' girl? Is the way that I'm a guys' girl related to my alleged masked lesbianism? Or am I truly dual-sexual, meaning demisexual towards men and sexual towards women, in a weak enough manner to stop myself from acting upon this drive? Or is there a part of me that's homophobic??? But that can't be, because I have gay friends, whom I love and accept in every single way.

Is it possible that I simply haven't found the right woman or the right man, and therefore I've been demi with men and gray with women (I think that's what it is)? I know that I'm a sexual being, maybe a sexually selective being, but there's still the sexual part, so what am I so afraid of?? Breaking my moral code, which states that sex is a waste of time and energy??? But why do I want it? Why can't I be simply asexual???

Sorry, I'm after 2 gin tonics, with lots of gin and a long day. So thanks a lot for the help.

[Azure.Providence]

Do you ever have romantic fantasies towards women? There are people whos romantic orientation is different from their sexual orientation. For example its possible for an individual to be a hetero-romantic bisexual or a homo-romantic heterosexual or whatever.

am I truly dual-sexual, meaning demisexual towards men and sexual towards women

That pretty much sounds like what you've been describing. I don't know much about masks but most people wear them to prevent other people from seeing their true self. I guess it could be possible your brain is somehow deceiving you but I doubt its the case.

I hope you find some peace. I know figuring yourself out can be really draining and frustrating.

[5_♦♣]

History

I first had sex with a guy when I was 13. He was my boyfriend, and he didn't want to rush, but I forced him to. I didn't have sex for 3 years (out of guilt for sinning... and no, I'm not religious, simply grew up in a traditional household), until I was 16, and had sex with my guy friend (not boyfriend). Up to that point, I hated sex, and didn't have sex for 2.5 years, during which I thought I was asexual, until I had sex with my best friend by mistake, who's a guy in an open relationship, and I enjoyed it. At that point, I decided that I was probably demisexual or something.

What the Hell is on my Mind

I know that I'm a sexual being, maybe a sexually selective being, but there's still the sexual part, so what am I so afraid of?? Breaking my moral code, which states that sex is a waste of time and energy???

Maybe it's not fear so much as (possible) regret about having rushed into sex-especially at a young age.

[Guest]

First, love isn't rational and you can't analyze it.

Second. You don't have to be homophobic toward other people to have a hard time accepting it in yourself. You would be amongst good company in that regard. I thought I was gay around age 16 and watched the movie "go fish". It scared me back into the closet for at least a full year. I just kept thinking "if that's gay, I'm not gay because I'm not like that." I worked with a woman from a religious family who finally came out at age 42.

You know all those guys who practice "downlow" sex... well, they do it because if you separate emotion from it... if you make it "just sex", it's more palatable. Once you fall in love it becomes so much more real.

My suggestion is to go with the flow and see where it takes you. And don't be afraid to experiment, try things, and make mistakes.

[noysoffer]

Do you ever have romantic fantasies towards women? There are people whos romantic orientation is different from their sexual orientation. For example its possible for an individual to be a hetero-romantic bisexual or a homo-romantic heterosexual or whatever.

am I truly dual-sexual, meaning demisexual towards men and sexual towards women

That pretty much sounds like what you've been describing. I don't know much about masks but most people wear them to prevent other people from seeing their true self. I guess it could be possible your brain is somehow deceiving you but I doubt its the case.

I hope you find some peace. I know figuring yourself out can be really draining and frustrating.

I don't have romantic fantasies towards anyone, men or women. I have no desire to be in any type of romantic relationship. It's more like I need to love a man, in the same way that I love my best friend, in order to be capable of having sex with him. I've never been with a woman, but every single wet dream that I've had was with a woman. I'm really scared about acting out on these fantasies, because in these fantasies, I'm not as controlled in sex as I am with men (with men, I'm very technical, slightly shy at first, and take things slow).

Why can't I be simple?

[Bellaitalia]

You are fantasizing about having sex with women simply because you want to fill that void in your life..you don't really connect with women on an emotional level so I'd say you are just curious. And it's perfectly normal to think women are more sexy and better looking than men...most people do. Women are aesthetically pleasing. I wouldn't worry about this. Just let yourself "love" people and try not to think about sex. That's what I'm doing--I get freaked out when guys get close to me expressing their interest...even if they are genuine I get nervous because I don't have much experience. I also don't know if I am sexual..ive done some stuff with guys but just feel so uncomfortable as if I'm not ready

[Guest]

Moved to The Gray Area.

Strivna

Asexual Q&A Moderator

[Great Thief Yatagarasu]

I'll be blunt here - if you're too afraid to actually do something to test your feelings, then you're never going to know them. Telling yourself "I MIGHT have these feelings, but I'm not going to do anything" is just going to prolong the period of time in which you're confused about it and worrying about "what you are." And here's the thing - after battling my own feelings (or lack of them), I know what it's like to be confused. Saying "oh yeah, I'm demisexual" is one thing, but getting legitimate proof is scary as hell. But you've just got to roll with it, you've got to do what comes naturally to you and don't be ashamed of what you discover. If you prefer using labels, then don't be afraid to make it long and complex - if you hate labels, don't be afraid to just say "it's complicated" when asked. Basically, what I'm trying to say is that this experience you're going through is a learning curve - you can figure things out, trust me.

[The Bearded One]

...love is rational, because I can analyze somebody in order to determine whether or not I love them...

Sounds familiar. For me, love is primarily a decision.

... I'm very technical, slightly shy at first, and take things slow ...

Sounds like a lover's style. I'm intellectual, passive, cautious, and slow; I prefer incremental variation.

(Sort of like jazz; the song should never be played the same way twice.)

A concept I use in considering my social life is "lust". It seems to be seldom used in contemporary American English. I learned it in Junior High age discussion groups.

For me, lust is an urge. Like hunger, thirst, or fatigue. When I feel hungary, I may chose to eat. When I feel lusty, I may chose a sexual activity (depending on who I'm with and where I am :) ). But in neither case do I have to.

Lust is distinct from love. It's good when lust and love coincide.

First, love isn't rational and you can't analyze it.

I'm not disagreeing with you but... For me love is and I can.