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Demi-sexuals and the friend zone.


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#31 feministnerd

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Posted 06 May 2012 - 03:55 AM


I've never understood why a lot of people seem to think getting intimate with your friends is a bad idea... ...If you're not attracted to me, that's fine, but don't say "I don't date friends" because that just sounds idiotic. You can't be friends with your long term partner? Then WTF is the attraction?

The reason that popped up in my head (social media probably) is that people are afraid of what will happen (loose a good friend) if they break up. I suppose some may see it as safer to meet someone outside your "social foundation" so you can always have people to fall back onto. I *think* people can have issues staying friends if they end out breaking up and if they were both in the same group of friends then /hmm... I don't know if this is the actual reason.


Yeah.

I currently like a friend of mine but i don't wanna lose her. I've never met anyone in my life who I could share a lot of things with. I'd rather stay friends with her than going out, breakup and never talk or see her again.

I've been intimate with some of my friends (like best friends with benefits) and I haven't seen them in ages. I never had a problem with it but there has been problems arising from it.

#32 Awkward Turtle

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Posted 10 May 2012 - 02:00 AM

Almost everyone I've been interested in has put me in the friend-zone, which can certainly get frustrating in the sense that as a demisexual you can't typically know from the outset that you're going to develop a crush so by the time you get to the point where you're interested, the other person may or may not have considered you but already moved on and constructed their feelings around you as strictly platonic. [Wordy!]

On the plus side, by the time I'm close enough to someone to have those feelings, there's usually a pretty strong foundation of friendship there, and that kind of friendship is so awesome to have in your life.

#33 Face

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Posted 28 May 2012 - 03:16 PM

I've been trying to explain this to people lately when on about how hard it is just to make friends with girls in the real world as you get older. If you actively go looking they assume you're after more so it ends up being a matter of luck.

Even if you like them more and try dating to get to know them, even older women expect this instant 'chemistry' thing which I just don't get. I guess it comes down to flirting to show you're interested in them that way but that just feels wrong and fake as I'm not trying to get a quick lay and it would feel like I'm being misleading if I did that.

You need time to know their feelings really well and build trust before you can make well meaning jabs or poke fun at them. If you do that stuff straight away you're an asshole.

It seems they nearly all expect instant gratification and they expect guys to just play 'the game' and pull all the necessary moves that everyone now knows about because that's what they are used to now and just accept it.

</rant>
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#34 Empty Chairs & Tables

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Posted 28 May 2012 - 03:43 PM

Even if you like them more and try dating to get to know them, even older women expect this instant 'chemistry' thing which I just don't get.



I have never understood the instant chemistry expectation either. To me, "chemistry" develops as one gets to know another, rather than being something that is or is not present the first time two individuals meet.

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"Phantom faces at the window
Phantom shadows on the floor
Empty chairs at empty tables
Where my friends will meet no more
Oh my friends, my friends, donīt ask me
What your sacrifice was for.
Empty chairs at empty tables,Where my friends will sing no more"


#35 Face

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Posted 29 May 2012 - 09:25 AM


Even if you like them more and try dating to get to know them, even older women expect this instant 'chemistry' thing which I just don't get.



I have never understood the instant chemistry expectation either. To me, "chemistry" develops as one gets to know another, rather than being something that is or is not present the first time two individuals meet.


Yeah, it's especially annoying when you get on with them amazingly well. I met one girl who had traveled to the same places as me, had exactly the same interests as me and even said she liked me but still came out with the 'no chemistry' excuse for not wanting to meet again. WTF??? :huh:

She did say she might meet again as a friend but has so far ignored my invites, saying she's too busy hunting for a boyfriend. I think I might have to point her here.
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#36 Empty Chairs & Tables

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Posted 29 May 2012 - 03:16 PM



Even if you like them more and try dating to get to know them, even older women expect this instant 'chemistry' thing which I just don't get.



I have never understood the instant chemistry expectation either. To me, "chemistry" develops as one gets to know another, rather than being something that is or is not present the first time two individuals meet.


Yeah, it's especially annoying when you get on with them amazingly well. I met one girl who had traveled to the same places as me, had exactly the same interests as me and even said she liked me but still came out with the 'no chemistry' excuse for not wanting to meet again. WTF??? :huh:

She did say she might meet again as a friend but has so far ignored my invites, saying she's too busy hunting for a boyfriend. I think I might have to point her here.



I find this absolutely sorrowful, that someone would overlook a potential friend in order to find a potential boyfriend (or SO). Why is it that friendship is so underrated?

Empty Chairs at Empty Tables

"Phantom faces at the window
Phantom shadows on the floor
Empty chairs at empty tables
Where my friends will meet no more
Oh my friends, my friends, donīt ask me
What your sacrifice was for.
Empty chairs at empty tables,Where my friends will sing no more"


#37 Alter-Echo

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Posted 29 May 2012 - 07:31 PM

I have realized that I can't have relationships with sexuals...they place too high a priority on sex, chemistry, all that crap...when I was looking for an SO, I wanted someone who wanted to be my best friend..because if I'm gonna spend my life with someone, I wanna be friends...because although I enjoy sex...I need something else that we can talk about or enjoy doing together.

Thankfully I found a demi who is very much like me, and enjoys doing many of the same things as I do. She is not only the love of my life, but my best friend...that is the important part.
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#38 Oona

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Posted 29 May 2012 - 07:40 PM

This is an interesting thread for sure. Because I dont have a strong sexual/romantic desire for most people I automatically put myself in the friend zone. When someone starts to flirt or crush on me I know all the signals to perform to say Im not interested whether they be subtle or obvious. So whether you mean to or not its possible you put out the "vibe" (think of it as an anti pheromone) that says you are not interested. That person subconsiously or consciously files you away as just a friend OR someone they know cant give them what they ultimatley desire- be it sex, marriage, kids, etc.

By the time you start to develop a crush on them, you are old news and in no way close to romantic material. That and you may just have to accept that what they find attractive, is not the same things you find attractive. Like attracts like- for example thieves are not attracted to police officers, they are attracted to other criminals. Make sense?

So if you are slow to romantically like someone and the other person is quick to know (often times romance is linked with sexual desire for most people)- and you didnt trip that sexual/romantic wire in them a long time ago, chances are it wont suddenly turn on now.

My experience has taught me when I take it slow with someone, have known them for a year or more and I consider them a friend- and things suddenly get romantic- it all goes to hell in a handbasket. They are usually sexual people and despite being my friend for years, after sex they run or they do something so terrible it ends the friendship.

I think I do crush on people but given what I know I want in life, I realize a "relationship" with that person is typically not possible or will be short lived. Knowing those facts and if I continue to crush on that person, then Im simply participating in a form of self torture. ;)

#39 Face

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Posted 30 May 2012 - 03:32 AM

Yeah, the seeming incompatibility for most people is depressing. The fact that sex makes them do something terrible to end the friendship is bizarre to me.

I think marrying anyone who can't be a friend first will end in an acrimonious divorce so is just best avoided.
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