loveitwhenthecoffeesdone Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 So... I've just told my parents about my sexuality this week. Mom: "Oh, I already knew that, why are you telling me?" Dad: "I don't mind, but I hope you aren't limiting yourself by putting a label on your sexuality." So at first I thought everything was happy-go-lucky, tralala, not a care in the world. Until my mom goes, "I only worry that you might get lonely, once we're dead." At first I blew her off--don't worry 'bout that mom, I'll be fine! But then I actually started to consider it. And gods, I really could end up lonely. My mom's already decided that sexual/ace relationships can't work out (I'm not saying that they can't, but I do see a lot of complications down that road), and that I'll be lonely forever. I just think that, if I'm in a relationship, I'd rather be with someone who's also asexual. I mean... I don't want sex to be an issue, you know? I just kinda want someone who has similar interests, who can be my best friend and cuddle buddy, and who'll accept my uber nerdiness and love of British telly. So I guess my questions is: What is dating like among asexuals? (Or sexuals: I've never been in a relationship, never dated, never understood it, someone explaining it to me would be nice.) What are relationships like? Am I doomed to be lonely forever, or is this want of a best-friend type figure normal? Is it odd that that's all I really want?? And if it isn't, and all that's normal... how exactly do I go about meeting other asexuals? (I go to college in a very small town. I doubt there are loads of asexuals in the area.) Oh gods. I just feel so confused. And now I'm terrified of being lonely (because I know I probably will be. I get lonesome easily. And now I'm dreading living a future in which I'm all by myself. Agh.) //rant over. Off to do the laundry. Please help me out here? I feel like I'm living in a sort of sheltered reality while at college--close group of friends, all plenty accepting, but no real contact to the 'real world,' where I might end up a lonely old cat lady (only without the cats, since I'm allergic to all animals under the sun). Link to post Share on other sites
Westmiser Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 To be honest, I think everyone under the sun - asexual or otherwise - are afraid of growing up all alone and becoming a crazy cat lady or whatever. I think it's NORMAL to want a best friend type figure; even sexuals seem to want that from their partner. I... dont really have much experience with dating... or any at all... but I think things will work out for you in the end. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
RandomDent Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 There are a couple of asexual dating sites like ace-book.net and asexualitic.com, but most people on AVEN just notice each other in chat, or through good posts on the forums and they swap emails and things go from there. Meet-ups are also a good way, if getting to know people via text is awkward for you, as it is for a lot of people. Safety first though - if you're going to meet people offline, make sure someone knows where you are and when you'll be back and meet in a public place. And NEVER meet at your house or give out your home number. Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
Alexje Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 I have exactly the same fears. So the only advice I can give you; is try not to think too much about it! I can get really depressed when I think too much about my on future... Just wait for whatever dreams the day might send. You'll probably meet someone some day. Try to focus on the here and now, when you're afraid of your future. And when you're feeling down, you should (re)watch Doctor Who^^ Link to post Share on other sites
Elnae Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 There are a couple of asexual dating sites like ace-book.net and asexualitic.com, but most people on AVEN just notice each other in chat, or through good posts on the forums and they swap emails and things go from there. Meet-ups are also a good way, if getting to know people via text is awkward for you, as it is for a lot of people. Safety first though - if you're going to meet people offline, make sure someone knows where you are and when you'll be back and meet in a public place. And NEVER meet at your house or give out your home number. Good luck! Totally agree with this above. Good advice Random. And to Coffee - I know how you feel. I have found it increasingly hard as my 3 best mates have paired off. One is living with her boyfriend, one is getting married in July (which means I have to go to the wedding by myself :( ) and the other one has been married for 18 months now. I'm always the odd-one-out and I would love to have a partner and I would prefer it to be an Ace. I just want a guy who maybe shares my interests and just wants me for me. I believe that most Aces (romantic ones anyway), feel the same way, so you're not alone in wanting someone to share your life with. Anyway, you're never alone when you're an Avenite :) Link to post Share on other sites
*Orion* Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 I didn't used to get lonely at all but now I've reached my mid-twenties I've definitely noticed that the desire to be with someone is getting stronger. I'm sure that's the same for anyone, ace or not, but it's harder to find an ace partner to be with because of the lower numbers of asexuals and the lack of awareness (there are probably a good portion of asexual people out there who don't even realise it). Hopefully though there's someone out there for all us asexuals...we just have to look a little harder. Link to post Share on other sites
Guest Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 Maybe if you can maintain close friendships? I wish I knew, since ive had very similar concerns. I don't get lonely easily, but when I do it isn't pretty. Link to post Share on other sites
frenchhorn Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 I'm the same, always getting depressed over the worry of ending up lonely. I just want someone who is like my best friend, who I can just cuddle with and watch the tv and do all the things i love with. I would prefer my partner to be asexual so I don't have to worry about the whole sex side of thing, as my past relationship was with a sexual person and it broke down because of issues around sex. Link to post Share on other sites
Shrugs Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 I'm the same, always getting depressed over the worry of ending up lonely. I just want someone who is like my best friend, who I can just cuddle with and watch the tv and do all the things i love with. I would prefer my partner to be asexual so I don't have to worry about the whole sex side of thing, as my past relationship was with a sexual person and it broke down because of issues around sex. My ideal dream relationship is exactly like this! Best friend that I care deeply about + cuddles + doing stuff together = love as I see it, haha. I also think it would be best if my partner was asexual, so that they don't feel hurt/undesired/etc. because I don't want to have sex with them. Link to post Share on other sites
loveitwhenthecoffeesdone Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 I'm the same, always getting depressed over the worry of ending up lonely. I just want someone who is like my best friend, who I can just cuddle with and watch the tv and do all the things i love with. I would prefer my partner to be asexual so I don't have to worry about the whole sex side of thing, as my past relationship was with a sexual person and it broke down because of issues around sex. My ideal dream relationship is exactly like this! Best friend that I care deeply about + cuddles + doing stuff together = love as I see it, haha. I also think it would be best if my partner was asexual, so that they don't feel hurt/undesired/etc. because I don't want to have sex with them. my gosh, where are you people in real life?? that's all i want. but everyone i've told that to just says i'm weird. gah. Link to post Share on other sites
iseedreampeople Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 I'm the same, always getting depressed over the worry of ending up lonely. I just want someone who is like my best friend, who I can just cuddle with and watch the tv and do all the things i love with. I would prefer my partner to be asexual so I don't have to worry about the whole sex side of thing, as my past relationship was with a sexual person and it broke down because of issues around sex. My ideal dream relationship is exactly like this! Best friend that I care deeply about + cuddles + doing stuff together = love as I see it, haha. I also think it would be best if my partner was asexual, so that they don't feel hurt/undesired/etc. because I don't want to have sex with them. Adding my own agreement! I would love to find a cuddle partner for mutual support and joint cosplays and watching Who and snarking at bad writing together. But because I think I'd be more comfortable with that, I do worry about being alone. My parents divorced several years ago, and I've seen how hard it is on my mom to be without a partner even though she has two kids and her parents living within an hour's drive. I also tend to have trouble making close friends because I've the weirdest combination of nerdy interests and Serious Business aspirations, so I worry about ending up without a partner and without close friends. I don't fear becoming a crazy cat lady though. I've been practicing to become a crazy cat lady since I was four. Another thirty years or so and I'll be dang good at it! (If there were a kitty emoticon, I would be using it. I shall have to settle for :twisted: because all cats are secretly :twisted: ) Link to post Share on other sites
Myriade77 Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 I'm the same, always getting depressed over the worry of ending up lonely. I just want someone who is like my best friend, who I can just cuddle with and watch the tv and do all the things i love with. I would prefer my partner to be asexual so I don't have to worry about the whole sex side of thing, as my past relationship was with a sexual person and it broke down because of issues around sex. My ideal dream relationship is exactly like this! Best friend that I care deeply about + cuddles + doing stuff together = love as I see it, haha. I also think it would be best if my partner was asexual, so that they don't feel hurt/undesired/etc. because I don't want to have sex with them. I feel exactly the same way... You've just described my ideal relationship. I've been living on my own for 10 years but I only started feeling lonely lately. Im not quite sure how to deal with these feelings of <<Is this it? Am I supposed to go through life alone ?>>. Some of my friends are moving away in June, a long distance friendship is fizzling out, my sister lives 3 hours away and my parents are getting older. I never used to worry about the future ... >.<. Link to post Share on other sites
Bijou Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 I agree with what many others are saying. I'm in my early twenties, and while I realize that I'm still fairly young, it's also starting to hit me a lot harder now that I'm not a teenager. A lot of my family & friends are in relationships/getting married/having kids, and I'm just kind of resigned to becoming an aunt someday to somebody's kid(s). My roommate in college this year keeps telling me how much she'll miss me when I graduate this year, but I don't think she quite understands how much I thrive on the closeness I have with my school friends and how weird I'll feel when the only people I'll have to come home to are my parents (not that I don't love them or anything, it's just different). Link to post Share on other sites
Number 5 Posted March 16, 2012 Share Posted March 16, 2012 I'm a sexual but... from what I've seen in people who just didn't want the typical marriage/ children (whatever sexuality) is that your best bet is move to the city. If you live in a city you can find roommates or room with friends who are in a similar situation. You won't be loney because there will be someone around - just not romantically. Large cities have a lot of things going on, a lot of places to meet random new people. Smaller towns and the burbs are mainly family orianted. I'm 30. When I was your age I thought, "how great to have my friends". As someone said in another thread most people just fall into married life and between their partner/ children/ work they really don't have as much time for friends, especially singles. So my advice is move to a large city. Link to post Share on other sites
Em_BR_Ace Posted March 18, 2012 Share Posted March 18, 2012 For some time, I tought I wanted a relationship, but recently I figured out that I'm an aromantic afraid to be lonely later on life. I believe that, when you want a romance, you want a romance. Being afraid of loneliness doesn't mean you want a romantic relationship (as in "if you don't want pizza, doesn't mean you want ice cream"). I only enjoy non-romantic relationships (squishes/close friendships and some intimacy). If my fate is become a cat lady, then cat lady it is. Imo, it's complicated involve someone in a romantic relationship just because one is afraid to be alone. In my case, I need a lot of lonenly time and personal space - 24/7 romantic relationships just don't work for me - 16h/2days a week I can handle. Since romance is not option, only a theory based on fear, I don't look for a romantic partner anymore. I'm not setting anything on stone, though. Bottomline is: you need to figure out what works better for you. In my case, it doesn't matter how much I fear the lonely at older age, romantic relationships don't work for me. Now, If I found Mr. SO and want to marry him and have sex, I will, I won't let the way I describe myself stop me (in example: asexual aromantic -> demi-ace demi-romantic). I'm just not looking around for a romance or a Mr. SO. Link to post Share on other sites
maryjanewatson Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I'm the same, always getting depressed over the worry of ending up lonely. I just want someone who is like my best friend, who I can just cuddle with and watch the tv and do all the things i love with. I would prefer my partner to be asexual so I don't have to worry about the whole sex side of thing, as my past relationship was with a sexual person and it broke down because of issues around sex. My ideal dream relationship is exactly like this! Best friend that I care deeply about + cuddles + doing stuff together = love as I see it, haha. I also think it would be best if my partner was asexual, so that they don't feel hurt/undesired/etc. because I don't want to have sex with them. my gosh, where are you people in real life?? that's all i want. but everyone i've told that to just says i'm weird. gah. This is me too! Link to post Share on other sites
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