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Lady Girl

The Good Partner Thread

Recommended Posts

Jewel Bright
6 hours ago, Longmarriage said:

You are so worth it. 

Thank you.

Its so hard to work through all the specifics of the negotiations (especially w/i a long committed mixed -orientation marriage).  My husband of 14 years and I are just getting into the nitty gritty of physical specifics after years of frustrations. I know that no sex at all is not in the cards for our marriage, but I am hoping to find some middle ground in other areas and be able to reclaim the beauty and friendship of our pre-sex relationship.

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Jewel Bright
3 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

In glad you've found a way of making it work, but for many of us, just there's more to a car than its engine but a missing engine will always matter, the absence of sex will always matter. 

 

Implying that someone who isn't willing to give up sex is somehow not worthwhile really isn't helpful. I certainly haven't found intimacy more caring and natural without it - quite the reverse. 

 

I'm sure it helps that your husband is willing to engage in other forms of physical contact. Many aces aren't, even when there's no sexual intent - it's more like they don't want to be touched, and sex involves touch, rather than wanting to be touched but not sexually. 

this is a really aggressive reply to a post that wasn't written to you. It was written to aces who feel that they aren't worthy of any kind of love, who feel hopeless that there is no other kind of relationship. The whole world thinks the way you do, that is not new news. 

I'm not saying that plenty of people, even the majority of people don't agree with you. This is just the place I hope to hear the repressed and silenced voices. 

 

I hear loud and clear that I am not like "everyone else" I really don't need to be reminded.

It is a breath of life and hope when I hear, "you are worth it. It's gonna be ok" 

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Telecaster68

It really isn't aggressive, and it's in the allies section.  

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FictoVore.
54 minutes ago, Jewel Bright said:

this is a really aggressive reply to a post that wasn't written to you. It was written to aces who feel that they aren't worthy of any kind of love, who feel hopeless that there is no other kind of relationship. The whole world thinks the way you do, that is not new news. 

I'm not saying that plenty of people, even the majority of people don't agree with you. This is just the place I hope to hear the repressed and silenced voices. 

 

I hear loud and clear that I am not like "everyone else" I really don't need to be reminded.

It is a breath of life and hope when I hear, "you are worth it. It's gonna be ok" 

While I didn't read his response as aggressive, Tele actually had a valid point - the poster he was responding to was claiming that any worthwhile partner will happily give up sex and the relationship will still be deeply intimate and satisfying which just is not accurate for many of the sexual members on this subforum. There are many sexual partners here who, while they have given up sex for their asexual partner, actually suffer a lot because of that and it makes their relationship much less intimate and enjoyable for them. It's not a decision that can be made lightly or happily for most sexual people and most do feel that something vital is missing from the relationship without sex, even though they do give it up for the sake of their partner. Posts that make out like 'sex really isn't important if you truly love the person' are actually quite cruel, even if it's true for that specific sexual person making the statement.

 

Here's one of the offending quotes from that post:

 

Quote

ACEs, Someone worthwhile will just deal with this. Yes, they might masturbate frantically when you're not there, there might be a few tears that they're missing out on sharing a favourite passtine with you and having to go it alone, but they will find a way and love you in the way that only truly intimate couples can love each other.

How do you think both sexuals and asexuals here would react if someone said

 

'TO SEXUAL PARTNERS, an asexual worth being with will have sex with you!! yes they might suffer and cry sometimes, but if they truly love you then they'll be able to share that deep sexual intimacy with you no matter what the cost to them because that's the way that only truly intimate couples love each other'

 

..I mean, a lot of people would be upset by that. Someone who said something like that would actually probably be looking at official action being taken against them. Yet it's just as hurtful (just not so rapey) from the other side of the fence.

 

You of course have your right to your opinion, but so does Tele (and so do I) and that comment was made in the Sexual Partners forum so of course some sexual partners would take issue with a statement like that. I would have pointed it out if I'd seen it before Tele did. It's great that it made you feel good and gave you hope etc, but some of the statements made could indeed make some people feel quite uncomfortable and they have just as much right to express their discomfort as anyone else has to express their opinions and thoughts here.

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GLRDT
11 hours ago, Longmarriage said:

I am a sexual with a husband who has stopped wanting sex at all. We had a few years of lots of sex in which he was a very willing participant and instigator, a few years of less sex, and a few years of no sex at all. He doesn't strictly fall into the ACE spectrum, but i wanted to share with those of you who are ACE that, even to a sexual, sex isn't everything. Ok, maybe it's me - i don't do it for him any more. Maybe it's his health. It doesn't matter. Do i leave him, as many middle aged women do, in pursuit of someone who is going to ravish me? Not on your nelly mate.  After a couple of years of worrying about this, begging, crying and ordering viagra (which he was not interested in trying, it was clearly his desire and not his equipment) , i started to look at things in a different way.

 

It comes down to this - i love him more than i love sex.

 

But how do you be intimate with someone who has no sexual feeling? And seriously, he really doesn't.

 

Sex isn't the only way to be intimate. Once we got over him thinking i was trying to jump his bones all the time, and i got over trying to do that, we got on to massaging, snuggling a lot more when we watch TV, and some serious naked, non-sexual cuddling. A "belly hug" as we call it. This involves a naked belly, but nothing else has to be naked. We press our bellies together and hold each other. Sometimes we're naked as we both sleep nude, but this is incidental and not a key component.

 

We sleep snuggled next to each other after a lovely non-sexual goodnight cuddle. Sometimes we sit with bare legs pressed against each other, we hold hands, we hug. I lie on his chest and fall asleep. Sometimes we fall asleep in a spoon position, but it's not sexual. Sometimes i get turned on, but i just enjoy the feeling without acting on it or passing comment. I don't do anything to encourage it and i wait for it to pass. In the same way as babies love skin contact, so do adults. It's hugely bonding. It's also become very rewarding for me as he's clearly very comfortable with this. We no longer kiss in the sexual sense, but we do still give a closed mouth kiss on the lips when we greet and oart, and for the hell of it, because that is also quite intimate without being sexual. We touch our foreheads together (try it, it's lovely) and rub noses. We bathe together and wash each other (with no touching of bits). 

 

And because we no longer have sex, each of us tries harder to show the other how loved we are. Small gestures, little notes, a text in the middle of the day. We say "i love you" a lot. We can't wait to get home to the safety of each other after a long day at work. He's the first person i want to share my gossip with. We've got each other's backs. Together we are greater than the sum of our parts. We nurse each other in illness and, when push comes to shove and old age gets nasty, i know we will wipe each other's arses without embarassment. Luckily, we're a long way from that. 

 

All of these things are so much more intimate than sex which, let's face it, any idiot can do with a complete stranger without it feeling intimate at all.

 

So ACES, and sexuals who have fallen for ACES  if you're reading, know this:

 

There is more to life and love than sex. There is more to intimacy than sex. Take sex out of the equation and intimacy becomes more natural, more caring.

 

ACEs, Someone worthwhile will just deal with this. Yes, they might masturbate frantically when you're not there, there might be a few tears that they're missing out on sharing a favourite passtine with you and having to go it alone, but they will find a way and love you in the way that only truly intimate couples can love each other.

 

You are so worth it. 

This was so touching and encouraging and thank you for sharing. You are both lucky to have each other.

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daveb
8 minutes ago, GLRDT said:

This was so touching and encouraging and thank you for sharing. You are both lucky to have each other.

Yes. Sounds very nice. Softly touching foreheads together can be divine and intimate (and also reminds me of how cats will touch heads with someone they care about). :) 

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Jewel Bright
23 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

It really isn't aggressive, and it's in the allies section. 

 

22 hours ago, FictoVore. said:

Posts that make out like 'sex really isn't important if you truly love the person' are actually quite cruel, even if it's true for that specific sexual person making the statement.

I think you are both right. I'm not usually so quick to react. (I think I was also reacting to the fact that it was the user's very first post.) 

Sorry for the overreaction ya'll.

 

 

 

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citradelic

my Wife is awesome!  

 she looks after me, she loves me, she makes sure  I am fed and does her best to show her love in her own ways.

 She shows me so  much love everyday. 

 

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duckyfeets1

Today I got home incredibly late by accident from work. Talking like a 12 hour day late, and I walked in with this awful migraine. My boyfriend, who recently came out as ace, immediately forced me to sit down instead of making dinner, and ran his fingers through my hair the way that helps my migraines while telling me about the Christmas Tree date he planned for us on Saturday. Also, he’s going to order us some really expensive smoked bacon that we saw on Netflix, because he knows I like bacon. 

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Chimeric

My partner is the best thing that's happened to me.

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