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He's totally ignoring me! HELP Aven


goodyears

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It's likely the same for many asexuals. Heap on top of that, the fact that it represents all of their unique failings in the relationship, no matter how ardently we demand that "We accept them, we just want to understand or feel loved.. etc." it's a reminder that they can't provide that for us, and that hurts.

Yes, and our sexual partner's quest to understand can get to sound like "I want to understand how you can FIX this."

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This morning I asked my husband if he had a chance to read "Lady Girl's Story"...the blood left his face, a smile turn to a neutral position and the thought bubble above his head said it all, "You've got to be kidding...It's always something with you...and now I have to deal with hearing about this shit...what a nice f****** way to start my day!!!"

Goody, I relate so strongly to this. My partner HATES that I'm on AVEN. If she sees me on AVEN for 2 minutes during the weekend, suddenly it becomes Jennifer was on AVEN ALLLLL WEEEEEKENND. When I try to tell her stories about what I'm talking about or friends I have on here, she says "I don't give a shit about that".

Yesterday we had a huge fight. She hung out with her friend to try to "understand" me. Basically they talked about how I have no friends and spend all my time on the internet and all I'm doing is seeking approval from strangers, and that its inappropriate for me to even talk to teenagers because I'm so old...

SIGH. And then she says "i'll be better about AVEN. You can talk about it!" and then the cycle starts all over again.

You know what I think? I think that every time she's reminded of AVEN, she's reminded that I think something is wrong with our relationship. The fact that, without AVEN, I'd have left this relationship long ago just doesn't seem to sink in with her. AVEN is always going to be a symbol for her of how she's not normal. If we never talked about asexuality and never mentioned AVEN, I think she thinks everything would just be "normal".

That doesn't even make sense but that's the feeling I get regarding the situation.

I want to hear asexual responses to this as well. "Can someone please tell me what goes through the head of an asexual husband who shares love, intimacy and romance with his wife when she slowly undresses in front of him, her beautiful naked body approaches him and she.."

But my asexual partner has told me what goes through her head in a situation like that: "I'd love to have a cup of coffee right now, or maybe the cats need my attention... Naked bodies are simply naked, what's for dinner? I'd love my feet rubbed right now, wonder if that's sexual enough? I hope she doesn't want to put her naked skin right next to mine, why would anyone ever think that feels good?? Hot sticky skin? I just don't get that? But will she bake some chocolate chip cookies tonight, Yes? Just for me? Now THAT's what I call L-O-V-E!"

Exactly this. Exactly. We'll be cudding for a bit on the bed and I think something's happening and then she jumps up to play with the cats.

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never odd or even

This morning I asked my husband if he had a chance to read "Lady Girl's Story"...the blood left his face, a smile turn to a neutral position and the thought bubble above his head said it all, "You've got to be kidding...It's always something with you...and now I have to deal with hearing about this shit...what a nice f****** way to start my day!!!"

Goody, I relate so strongly to this. My partner HATES that I'm on AVEN. If she sees me on AVEN for 2 minutes during the weekend, suddenly it becomes Jennifer was on AVEN ALLLLL WEEEEEKENND. When I try to tell her stories about what I'm talking about or friends I have on here, she says "I don't give a shit about that".

Yesterday we had a huge fight. She hung out with her friend to try to "understand" me. Basically they talked about how I have no friends and spend all my time on the internet and all I'm doing is seeking approval from strangers, and that its inappropriate for me to even talk to teenagers because I'm so old...

SIGH. And then she says "i'll be better about AVEN. You can talk about it!" and then the cycle starts all over again.

You know what I think? I think that every time she's reminded of AVEN, she's reminded that I think something is wrong with our relationship. The fact that, without AVEN, I'd have left this relationship long ago just doesn't seem to sink in with her. AVEN is always going to be a symbol for her of how she's not normal. If we never talked about asexuality and never mentioned AVEN, I think she thinks everything would just be "normal".

That doesn't even make sense but that's the feeling I get regarding the situation.

I want to hear asexual responses to this as well. "Can someone please tell me what goes through the head of an asexual husband who shares love, intimacy and romance with his wife when she slowly undresses in front of him, her beautiful naked body approaches him and she.."

But my asexual partner has told me what goes through her head in a situation like that: "I'd love to have a cup of coffee right now, or maybe the cats need my attention... Naked bodies are simply naked, what's for dinner? I'd love my feet rubbed right now, wonder if that's sexual enough? I hope she doesn't want to put her naked skin right next to mine, why would anyone ever think that feels good?? Hot sticky skin? I just don't get that? But will she bake some chocolate chip cookies tonight, Yes? Just for me? Now THAT's what I call L-O-V-E!"

Exactly this. Exactly. We'll be cudding for a bit on the bed and I think something's happening and then she jumps up to play with the cats.

*hugs* That doesnt sound good :( Sounds like your partner is deeply in denial about asexuality and just doesnt want to acknowledge that its not something to be embarrassed about, along with being insecure about herself and being labeled something perceived to be derogatory which may or may not reflect on her own ideas about how she is/is not pleasing you in a relationship which may make her feel inadequate... *first impression from what you said*

does she understand how you see things? Have you discussed how she feels about sexuality? *is curious*

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does she understand how you see things? Have you discussed how she feels about sexuality? *is curious*

We've talked about it. I wanted to talk about it again last night but I thought it was best to leave things alone. She apologized profusely and has been really open to talking today (I took the day off work because I needed a mental health day).

We've had some very open talks about sexuality, but she mostly doesn't want to talk about it. I told her yesterday that if she's feeling confused or insecure about something, to please just ask me about it. The other day I asked her some question about how she feels about people when she first starts dating them, and during our fight I found out she got upset because she thought I was trying to do an asexual assessment. I said "no, I was just fishing for compliments!".

So, you know, misunderstandings and insecurities... the cornerstones of all fights.

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Sounds like your partner is deeply in denial about asexuality and just doesnt want to acknowledge that its not something to be embarrassed about, along with being insecure about herself and being labeled something perceived to be derogatory which may or may not reflect on her own ideas about how she is/is not pleasing you in a relationship which may make her feel inadequate

As Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. I don't think it's helpful to talk about denial or insecurity, when the situation may be simply that the person doesn't want to have sex. I used to do all kinds of things rather than be pinned down (not literally) into having sex. I wasn't in denial and I wasn't insecure; I just didn't like doing it.

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never odd or even

Sounds like your partner is deeply in denial about asexuality and just doesnt want to acknowledge that its not something to be embarrassed about, along with being insecure about herself and being labeled something perceived to be derogatory which may or may not reflect on her own ideas about how she is/is not pleasing you in a relationship which may make her feel inadequate

As Freud said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar. I don't think it's helpful to talk about denial or insecurity, when the situation may be simply that the person doesn't want to have sex. I used to do all kinds of things rather than be pinned down (not literally) into having sex. I wasn't in denial and I wasn't insecure; I just didn't like doing it.

It wasnt the not wanting sex so much as the way she is reacting to AVEN and the idea of asexuality.

But maybe a cigar is just a cigar.

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This morning I asked my husband if he had a chance to read "Lady Girl's Story"...the blood left his face, a smile turn to a neutral position and the thought bubble above his head said it all, "You've got to be kidding...It's always something with you...and now I have to deal with hearing about this shit...what a nice f****** way to start my day!!!"

Goody, I relate so strongly to this. My partner HATES that I'm on AVEN. If she sees me on AVEN for 2 minutes during the weekend, suddenly it becomes Jennifer was on AVEN ALLLLL WEEEEEKENND. When I try to tell her stories about what I'm talking about or friends I have on here, she says "I don't give a shit about that".

Yesterday we had a huge fight. She hung out with her friend to try to "understand" me. Basically they talked about how I have no friends and spend all my time on the internet and all I'm doing is seeking approval from strangers, and that its inappropriate for me to even talk to teenagers because I'm so old...

SIGH. And then she says "i'll be better about AVEN. You can talk about it!" and then the cycle starts all over again.

You know what I think? I think that every time she's reminded of AVEN, she's reminded that I think something is wrong with our relationship. The fact that, without AVEN, I'd have left this relationship long ago just doesn't seem to sink in with her. AVEN is always going to be a symbol for her of how she's not normal. If we never talked about asexuality and never mentioned AVEN, I think she thinks everything would just be "normal".

That doesn't even make sense but that's the feeling I get regarding the situation.

I want to hear asexual responses to this as well. "Can someone please tell me what goes through the head of an asexual husband who shares love, intimacy and romance with his wife when she slowly undresses in front of him, her beautiful naked body approaches him and she.."

But my asexual partner has told me what goes through her head in a situation like that: "I'd love to have a cup of coffee right now, or maybe the cats need my attention... Naked bodies are simply naked, what's for dinner? I'd love my feet rubbed right now, wonder if that's sexual enough? I hope she doesn't want to put her naked skin right next to mine, why would anyone ever think that feels good?? Hot sticky skin? I just don't get that? But will she bake some chocolate chip cookies tonight, Yes? Just for me? Now THAT's what I call L-O-V-E!"

Exactly this. Exactly. We'll be cudding for a bit on the bed and I think something's happening and then she jumps up to play with the cats.

You know what I think? I think that every time she's reminded of AVEN, she's reminded that I think something is wrong with our relationship. The fact that, without AVEN, I'd have left this relationship long ago just doesn't seem to sink in with her.

I bet this resonates with a huge number of people. Before Aven I was ready to leave...and like you I'm still here because of Aven.

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I am an asexual male. We weren't married, but my now ex-girlfriend and I tried numerous times to have sex and foreplay of various kinds. That was all before I discovered asexuality, had had no prior experience with sex nor even anything more than pretty chaste kissing. So I had no words or frame of reference to go by.

At first when we tried stuff mostly what went through my head was stuff that I later realized (after discovering asexuality and AVEN) was aesthetic appreciation and enjoyment of some of the sensual but non-sexual physical stuff, like her scratching or massaging my back, or gently stroking my face. The more we tried the sexual stuff (and even things like french kisssing), though, the more bored I got with it and the more I tried to think of how I could make it enjoyable for her since I knew it wasn't going to do anything for me. It seemed like I wasn't getting as much of the sensual stuff as I liked and she was wanting more of the sexual stuff. Maybe that was just me sort of using up my tolerance for the sexual stuff? Or maybe it was that I knew any sensual stuff was just a lead in to more and more of the sexual stuff? Whatever the case, the whole process became more of an annoyance and, in retrospect, even started to feel like a personal violation.

(also, I felt the same way about sticky naked bodies as one of the other responses described.)

We broke up for various reasons. And a few months later I came across the term asexuality and discovered AVEN. A huge light bulb clicked on for me. Looking back I could see all of the above more clearly.

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The more we tried the sexual stuff (and even things like french kisssing), though, the more bored I got with it and the more I tried to think of how I could make it enjoyable for her since I knew it wasn't going to do anything for me. It seemed like I wasn't getting as much of the sensual stuff as I liked and she was wanting more of the sexual stuff. Maybe that was just me sort of using up my tolerance for the sexual stuff? Or maybe it was that I knew any sensual stuff was just a lead in to more and more of the sexual stuff? Whatever the case, the whole process became more of an annoyance and, in retrospect, even started to feel like a personal violation.

(also, I felt the same way about sticky naked bodies as one of the other responses described.)

Ah yes, the above might be considered the archetypal asexual feeling about sex. Not all asexuals feel that way but I certainly do, so that definitely makes two of us.

During the last year that my ex-partner and I were together, he said one evening, "Wow! Two hours! That was amazing!" I thought, "I am never going to make it through another experience like that. What on earth can I do to prevent that without either murdering him or leaving him, neither of which I want to do?" Unintentionally but luckily, after I'd discovered that I was asexual and told him, those experiences stopped.

And if anyone says or thinks, "Why did you do that for so long?", it's because I had no idea that I was anything but an incompetent sexual. The thing about being incompetent is that you keep trying to become competent, and meanwhile, if at least one person is enjoying themselves, that's something.

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And if anyone says or thinks, "Why did you do that for so long?", it's because I had no idea that I was anything but an incompetent sexual. The thing about being incompetent is that you keep trying to become competent, and meanwhile, if at least one person is enjoying themselves, that's something.

oh, exactly!

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And if anyone says or thinks, "Why did you do that for so long?", it's because I had no idea that I was anything but an incompetent sexual. The thing about being incompetent is that you keep trying to become competent, and meanwhile, if at least one person is enjoying themselves, that's something.

Absolutely.

This is a dumb example, but I hate card games. A few years ago I finally realized that, hey, I don't have to play card games if I don't want to! If someone were to ask why I played them for so long, my response would be "seemed like the thing to do..."

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And if anyone says or thinks, "Why did you do that for so long?", it's because I had no idea that I was anything but an incompetent sexual. The thing about being incompetent is that you keep trying to become competent, and meanwhile, if at least one person is enjoying themselves, that's something.

Yes, yes, YES.

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sexualwithasexual

And if anyone says or thinks, "Why did you do that for so long?", it's because I had no idea that I was anything but an incompetent sexual. The thing about being incompetent is that you keep trying to become competent, and meanwhile, if at least one person is enjoying themselves, that's something.

oh, exactly!

This is a very helpful way to explain what an asexual experiences! Had I read this when I first joined AVEN, I would have understood my partner so much better!

Thanks!

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  • 3 weeks later...

After hitting bottom (again) this past Friday we set a time (again) to talk on Saturday.

This time was different in that my husband acknowledged the similarities between himself and asexuality. He acknowledged that when I agreed (this past summer) to reset the clock and let go of the anger I carried around for the past 11 years, made a sincere attempt to connect with him and be more loving, that things got worse (the way he treated me) because of the pressure he felt to perform. Keeping me upset/angry/frustrated resulted in me distancing myself which in turn relieved him from having to deal with my sexual needs and his feelings of inadequacies.

Just being me (an uninhibited sexual woman in my look, talk and dress) was a constant reminder (day in and day out) for the past 11 years that he was an "incompetent sexual".

And if anyone says or thinks, "Why did you do that for so long?", it's because I had no idea that I was anything but an incompetent sexual. The thing about being incompetent is that you keep trying to become competent, and meanwhile, if at least one person is enjoying themselves, that's something.

Then to add insult to injury...Oh, how I tried to make him want me and the punishment he received for turning me down. Is it any wonder when we talked about divorce 2 years ago and I gave him the option of "Open Marriage" (as a joke) that he was happy to have that option... only to have me turn around and criticize him for his decision.

Although I was unaware of asexuality until this past January, I feel a little guilty for how my words and behavior must have hurt him terribly over the past 11 years. That's not to say I haven't been living in a "dark place" myself...I guess it just means maybe I do care about him afterall.

Thanks Sally (for your quote) and to everyone here who is helping to make this process for my husband and me possible. :wub:

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resentfully yours

I joined Aven today after reading this thread. It is very much like the situation that i find myself in, i say find myself in as their was no clue at the beginning of my relationship that my much younger boyfriend was asexual. This makes me very resentful as i think the asexual person chooses when to play the asexual card to gain power in a relationship, the one witholding sex is passively aggresively controlling things. In my case it is ironic that people think because he is younger than me that i am having a great sex life. In reality he knows he tricked me into this by acting normal at first. If i try to talk to him about it he tries to suggest i am sex mad,i think all this asexual bu.....t is just to get the upper hand over normal loving people by cold emotionless controllers. As you can see my 15 years of waiting for things to change and trying to be understanding is taking it's toll on me. worst of all he won't leave when i ask him and won't discuss the problem at all.

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i think the asexual person chooses when to play the asexual card to gain power in a relationship, the one witholding sex is passively aggresively controlling things.

i think all this asexual bu.....t is just to get the upper hand over normal loving people by cold emotionless controllers.

Well if you've decided you already know all there is to know about asexuality and asexuals, why are you wasting your time and ours?

Or have you joined just to tell us that we're basically evil psychopaths? Gee, thanks so much, I didn't know that about myself.

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If i try to talk to him about it he tries to suggest i am sex mad,i think all this asexual bu.....t is just to get the upper hand over normal loving people by cold emotionless controllers.

'Asexual bullshit'...? Your frustration is warranted, but that is really harsh and close-minded.

If you don't mind taking the initiative to improve your relationship.. you should try harder to consider things from the asexual (or sex-repulsed asexual) perspective. It is possible that from your partner's POV, a person which prioritises sex in a relationship is THE 'cold emotionless controller' instead - one who gives no regard to his feelings, fears, or reservations towards sex. One who uses social norms to pressure and guilt-trip him into what he could see as nothing but a dirty, degrading, animal act that could actually give him nightmares (if he really is sex-repulsed). This is speculation, but some asexuals really think that way.

Remember that both of you probably don't understand the other's feelings towards the subject. Both of you seem convinced you are right, and unwilling to compromise - so tension is guaranteed. I have no idea who is really at fault, but one of you has to put the resentment aside and reach out in a non-confrontational manner.

I suggest you try shelving your negative experiences and your social conditioning.. and dispassionately browse these forums. As I said, I don't know who is to blame.. but one of you has to take the first step to try to understand. (And of course the other must be willing to listen and discuss. Your partner seems selfish for shutting you out. If he really is being nasty for no reason, then unfortunately the relationship may not be worth much)

PS:.. please don't assume that your partner's faults define ALL asexuals. Every demographic has its share of jerks.

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I joined Aven today after reading this thread. It is very much like the situation that i find myself in, i say find myself in as their was no clue at the beginning of my relationship that my much younger boyfriend was asexual. This makes me very resentful as i think the asexual person chooses when to play the asexual card to gain power in a relationship, the one witholding sex is passively aggresively controlling things. In my case it is ironic that people think because he is younger than me that i am having a great sex life. In reality he knows he tricked me into this by acting normal at first. If i try to talk to him about it he tries to suggest i am sex mad,i think all this asexual bu.....t is just to get the upper hand over normal loving people by cold emotionless controllers. As you can see my 15 years of waiting for things to change and trying to be understanding is taking it's toll on me. worst of all he won't leave when i ask him and won't discuss the problem at all.

You sound like many of us coming to Aven not understanding what it means to be asexual. Not understanding "why" we were being treated like this and ignored all those years. Not understanding that [our] approach was actually working against us!!!

I understand your anger, frustration and that dark place you've been living for 15 very long years. Hang in there with us...educate yourself...share a bit...there are lots of people here that can help you.

Welcome to Aven.

If i try to talk to him about it he tries to suggest i am sex mad,i think all this asexual bu.....t is just to get the upper hand over normal loving people by cold emotionless controllers.

'Asexual bullshit'...? Your frustration is warranted, but that is really harsh and close-minded.

If you don't mind taking the initiative to improve your relationship.. you should try harder to consider things from the asexual (or sex-repulsed asexual) perspective. It is possible that from your partner's POV, a person which prioritises sex in a relationship is THE 'cold emotionless controller' instead - one who gives no regard to his feelings, fears, or reservations towards sex. One who uses social norms to pressure and guilt-trip him into what he could see as nothing but a dirty, degrading, animal act that could actually give him nightmares (if he really is sex-repulsed). This is speculation, but some asexuals really think that way.

Remember that both of you probably don't understand the other's feelings towards the subject. Both of you seem convinced you are right, and unwilling to compromise - so tension is guaranteed. I have no idea who is really at fault, but one of you has to put the resentment aside and reach out in a non-confrontational manner.

I suggest you try shelving your negative experiences and your social conditioning.. and dispassionately browse these forums. As I said, I don't know who is to blame.. but one of you has to take the first step to try to understand. (And of course the other must be willing to listen and discuss. Your partner seems selfish for shutting you out. If he really is being nasty for no reason, then unfortunately the relationship may not be worth much)

PS:.. please don't assume that your partner's faults define ALL asexuals. Every demographic has its share of jerks.

Crucis...I totally get her lack of etiquette in expression. If her words had a volume she'd probably be screaming right now because of not having sex, not being heard, having to shelve her negative experiences and living in darkness for 15 years. But, she has taken the first step...she's here! Quite frankly, the beginning stages of discovery aren't that pleasant for us either...Learning that asexuality is an orientation and not a behavior and can't be changed...Compromise is the most we can expect. This is a process. Baby steps are OK.

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I joined Aven today after reading this thread. It is very much like the situation that i find myself in, i say find myself in as their was no clue at the beginning of my relationship that my much younger boyfriend was asexual. This makes me very resentful as i think the asexual person chooses when to play the asexual card to gain power in a relationship, the one witholding sex is passively aggresively controlling things. In my case it is ironic that people think because he is younger than me that i am having a great sex life. In reality he knows he tricked me into this by acting normal at first. If i try to talk to him about it he tries to suggest i am sex mad,i think all this asexual bu.....t is just to get the upper hand over normal loving people by cold emotionless controllers. As you can see my 15 years of waiting for things to change and trying to be understanding is taking it's toll on me. worst of all he won't leave when i ask him and won't discuss the problem at all.

I'm going to take a minority position here.

I've seen several sexuals come on here with issues with their partners and their lack of sex... and not all the partners were asexual. We've also seen some affairs in here, we've seen some abusive sexuals (no wonder their partners won't bang them!), and we've seen partners who were over the relationship but instead of leaving, lingered, sexless, and continued to hurt their spouses.

So, no, not every single boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, and wife who refuses sex is asexual. There are a lot of reasons why people don't have sex. There are more reasons to not have sex than to have sex, after all. Resentfully... you may have one of those partners who isn't asexual. You MAY be right... he may be playing a card to gain control. It's not unheard of.

Can you tell me more about your relationship? How long was the sex "normal"? Has anything major happened to either of you that could explain his change? Death, major relocations, or other loss? How well do you get on outside of the bedroom? Would you both consider the other your best friend? How happy is he generally? How much time do you spend together?

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Crucis...I totally get her lack of etiquette in expression. If her words had a volume she'd probably be screaming right now because of not having sex, not being heard, having to shelve her negative experiences and living in darkness for 15 years. But, she has taken the first step...she's here! Quite frankly, the beginning stages of discovery aren't that pleasant for us either...Learning that asexuality is an orientation and not a behavior and can't be changed...Compromise is the most we can expect. This is a process. Baby steps are OK.

Goodyears, I definitely agree with you that both partners are equally likely to suffer when problems arise in a mixed (asexual + sexual) relationship.

Hmm.. i guess she could be taking the first step by being here... But while I’d really like to think so, it sounded more like she joined to reinforce her negative convictions against asexuals in general, rather than to try to understand and solve the problems in her relationship (like you did). Looking at the other post she’s made as well, it sounds like she has already made up her mind that her partner is the one completely at fault. Well, maybe he is... but I wonder whether she has opened her mind to the possibility that he could have a reasonable explanation of his actions.

On the other hand, perhaps i did draw the wrong conclusions about her. If so, i’m really sorry :unsure:

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(just so you know where I'm coming from - I'm an asexual male, but only discovered asexuality after my last (and only) long term relationship ended)

I think SkulleryMaid makes some good points (as usual). I take "resentfully yours"'s harsh words as a sign of their (quite possibly justified) frustration. I hope they can sort things out, learn, and come to some understanding, and find a way to resolve the situation for the best.

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It wasn't until I stopped bitching and whining that things got better for me. Because it's not just the relationship that needs to change... you need to change how you view the relationship, how you interact with the relationship, what you want out of it and, most importantly, what you're putting in it. If you're putting a bunch of lies and anger into it, big surprise that you're getting nothing but shit back out of it.

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It wasn't until I stopped bitching and whining that things got better for me. Because it's not just the relationship that needs to change... you need to change how you view the relationship, how you interact with the relationship, what you want out of it and, most importantly, what you're putting in it. If you're putting a bunch of lies and anger into it, big surprise that you're getting nothing but shit back out of it.

This is the first real baby step. Try being loving, not being something or someone with expectations of being made love to.

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It wasn't until I stopped bitching and whining that things got better for me. Because it's not just the relationship that needs to change... you need to change how you view the relationship, how you interact with the relationship, what you want out of it and, most importantly, what you're putting in it. If you're putting a bunch of lies and anger into it, big surprise that you're getting nothing but shit back out of it.

This is the first real baby step. Try being loving, not being something or someone with expectations of being made love to.

Perhaps I was just a good student and wanted to learn... :rolleyes: With everyone's help I was able to get over that initial hurtle (understanding what it means to be sexual and asexual...how the mind works). Followed by taking responsibility for my actions and the role I played in the downward spiral of my relationship.

I guess it's because I'm still in the beginning stages of discovery, I can "feel" and most certainly sympathize with sexuals coming on with their scattered emotions, anger, blame, downright hatefulness, sounding out of control and I can identify with them. Even if it may not turn out to be a case of asexuality...it still involves sexuality on some level and a person in pain who is reaching out for help!!

Skullery just has a way of putting things so simply...."It wasn't until I stopped bitching and whining that things got better for me". This is so true...and only then was I able to start taking baby steps...sometimes backwards :( but, with the help of everyone here, this journey (even with it's uncertainty) is soooo much better than where I came from!!!

So again..."A Big Thanks To Everyone Here On AVEN"!!! :wub:

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Agreed! As soon as I stumbled upon AVEN I thought "damn, I've really been fucking this up". I spent years bitching to friends and then coming home and trying to "work things out".

But then I have a very loving and communicative partner. For those that don't, I'm sure it's terribly isolating.

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I just want to thank QueerTO for her "Overcompensating" post. As a sexual trying to process my way through discovery, I realized how many times over the past 11 years (and in counseling) I thought and said, "I would give up all the wonderful things you say and do for me for a feeling of connection"...which meant love with a sexual relationship. This, of course, was pre-Aven. I had forgotten all about this until I saw the "Overcompensating" post.

sonofzeal, on 16 April 2012 - 08:28 AM, said:

Human behavior is.... complicated. To put it lightly. I've always thought that reading into things is as likely to lead to misunderstanding and faulty assumptions than it is to lead to anything useful.

The "things she does for you" aren't, or shouldn't be, a downpayment towards some return. Similarly, denial of sex does not incur a debt that can be paid off. If that's how she sees things, then your relationship has more severe problems than a sexual mismatch. That's not a stable state of affairs. If sexual intimacy is a legitimate need for you, then no amount of niceness compensates. And even if it does, she'll get tired of that overcompensating and it'll diminish over time.

Holy cow, Sonofzeal, this is like reality slapping me up side the face! I've been told by others it seems like there's more going on than just asexuality, but this REALLY brings a clarity to my personal situation. The fact that this has been part of "our dance" for many years is so disheartening and looked like this: We have a heated discussion regarding the lack of sex, he says, "you never appreciate anything I do for you", I respond by saying, "of course I do, but I need to feel close to you...I need to have a sexual relationship with you". And round and round we go. At no time has he ever engaged in a discussion about sex unless it was to say he's not in the mood because of how I'm acting. Thus, I've always felt like "He was ignoring me"...which was the reason for my post.

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  • 2 weeks later...
goodyears

To all my Aven friends....

It has been quite a remarkable journey learning about asexualality, sexuality and how partners can share a loving relationship/life with education and compromise.

A pattern seemed to be developing for me, whereas, several folks have mentioned, "there seems to be more going on here than just asexuality" and then there was my post on April 20th. This prompted me to research in a different direction: Passive Aggressive Narcissism

At this point, I believe the "lack of sex" is more accurately identified as a part of a personality disorder than a asexual orientation. I now wish it was only "orientation" I'm dealing with...Huh, that would be a piece of :cake:

Today I received a "sign from the heavens"! When I googled: Passive Aggressive Narcissism Asexual and my AVEN post: "HE'S IGNORING ME" popped up...I took it as a sign that my research was on the right track!!!!

Special thanks to Lady Girl, Skully, Sally, Oliver and everyone else who honestly contributed to helping me through this process. I have learned a tremendous amount about the subject matter, sensitivities, compromise and taking responsibility for the role we play in compromise.

~Goody :wub:

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Well, I'm sorry that you have more on your plate to deal with, but at least you know you shouldn't be blaming yourself and that's important. Some people are assholes, and that's usually more important than whether or not they're asexual.

ps, sorry for just calling your husband an asshole

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  • 4 months later...

As of September 10th my husband and I were officially separated...at my request. Everything has been amicable. I'm not sure why, but even at the end he still does not communicate only to say I just want you to be happy. I just don't get it! But, it no longer is "my" problem to figure out. He even said, "I'm hoping we can still be good friends"...which I'm sure we will be???

I finally came to the realization that I needed stop trying to fix what can not be fixed. I was working single handedly to try and make our marriage better while he acted like there wasn't a problem. We all have choices...stay or leave.

The defining moment (did I make the right decision?) for me was in the first week of separation "there was no VOID" only the feeling of being able to breathe again. I don't know what tomorrow holds, only that I'm not waking up and going to sleep every day with this awful frustration that I carried with me for so many years. It's a feeling of freedom.

Who knows what the cause was...sexual, personality disorder, childhood baggage; when there is no communication there will be no resolve.

My time here on AVEN was invaluable and gave me clarity.

Thank you.

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Best wishes, goodyears (and let's hope there are many good years ahead for you!). Sounds like you made the right choice, as difficult as it might have been.

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