40's

[HellsBells]

 

On 10/29/2017 at 1:23 AM, Happy giraffe said:

I'm here to say hi too.  I'm new to everything as of this week   Figured I'd say hi as I'm 42 and it is the answer to everything.

 

I separated from husband of 17 years in August this year due to other issues -- we're still very amicable and I think it was a long time coming.  (I say this as I browsed quickly through this thread on various pages and am happy to chat @Ms.Ann if you still want to about your emotional ups and downs).  Then this week I found out that I was ace!  And not broken.  I'm the typical case of finding out.  But finding out after 17 years of marriage!  I was wondering how all the young people can know they are ace so early but then realised (after reading AVEN and reddit) it's because non-Aces start having desires at around 12-14 years old!  Living a sheltered life and at an all girls school did not do me any favours in realising... and then marrying the first person I dated... who I was also their 'first'... anyway I'm not 'out' and I don't feel a need to.  I'm just happy to know that I'm not broken and that I don't have to try and improve my libido.

 

So 42 is the answer to everything... 

 

Anyhoo just wanted to say hello... and thank everyone for being so welcoming and feeding me cake.  

 

On 10/31/2017 at 9:02 PM, 2bContent said:

Welcome, Happy Giraffe.  In August, my husband and I divorced.  We were together 16 years (married for 13 of them).  We too are amicable.  And it was a long time coming for us too.  Please feel free to private-message me.  You are not broken, and your libido is perfectly fine as it is.

Hello to both of you - I'm new (to Aven and to the realisation of being asexual), I'm 44 and in the process of getting divorced from my husband of 13 yrs (together 17) - pretty amicable, and he was almost as relieved as me to find that asexuality was really a thing and it wasn't just that I didn't want him.

 

I'm in the UK, so hurrah for forums, because Sydney and Ohio are both a long way away.....

[BobRossRules]

Hiya @HellsBells, welcome!  

[Daniela]

On 3/1/2012 at 6:00 PM, knine said:

In my mid-40's. Turning 40 was just another day for me. Still don't feel like a 40-something, except for the slowing down, taking longer to heal, aches and pains, deteriorating eyesight....

Think I'll stop there, I'm getting depressed

I am 46 and going the same way...

 

[2bContent]

On 11/3/2017 at 11:20 AM, HellsBells said:

 

 

Hello to both of you - I'm new (to Aven and to the realisation of being asexual), I'm 44 and in the process of getting divorced from my husband of 13 yrs (together 17) - pretty amicable, and he was almost as relieved as me to find that asexuality was really a thing and it wasn't just that I didn't want him.

 

I'm in the UK, so hurrah for forums, because Sydney and Ohio are both a long way away.....

Hmmm... There seems to be an influx lately in our forum of women who are divorcing longtime husbands. What gives? I had been beating myself up the past year or more, quite confusedly, over my dizzying orientation. Just as my ex-husband had been wondering, how does a person go from being "normally" married to then claiming asexuality? And with a child? So I've been digging for answers myself. I recently finished reading a book called Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire (by psychologist/researcher Lisa Diamond). Regardless of whether you have ever had any same-sex inclinations, the book gently hints at asexuality in the sense of presenting scholarly evidence of a woman's desire to emotionally connect without necessarily feeling any sexual urgency. Not only is this a well substantiated occurrence, but it may ebb and flow over a woman's lifetime. Evidence suggests that orientation can and does fluctuate -- fluidly -- through a woman's life. (The author mainly investigated this occurrence in women, but she did present information that supports a man's ability to experience a similar, though less likely, fluidity.) It was a great book. Lengthy, but great. 

[PeterPanForever]

I would like to get married just to try it out and see if I like it, like test driving a car. I have never even been in the vicinity of marriage, and I suppose that it is one of those things that everyone should try at least once. 

[argar]

Nah, I'm good.

 

Not really an experience I want to try.

 

It requires work to make it work, and at this point in my life I don't feel like putting in the effort to make something like that happen.

[Happy giraffe]

On 11/4/2017 at 2:20 AM, HellsBells said:

 

 

Hello to both of you - I'm new (to Aven and to the realisation of being asexual), I'm 44 and in the process of getting divorced from my husband of 13 yrs (together 17) - pretty amicable, and he was almost as relieved as me to find that asexuality was really a thing and it wasn't just that I didn't want him.

 

I'm in the UK, so hurrah for forums, because Sydney and Ohio are both a long way away.....

Hi there @HellsBells

 

Sounds like we'r e on a similar journey.  Admittedly I separated and then worked out that I was ace... 

[Happy giraffe]

6 hours ago, Peterson515 said:

I would like to get married just to try it out and see if I like it, like test driving a car. I have never even been in the vicinity of marriage, and I suppose that it is one of those things that everyone should try at least once. 

@Peterson515 - why?  Is this like smoking a cigarette or drinking alcohol (never tried smoking but have tried alcohol and decided it wasn't for me ).  I suggest trying to live with someone first.  Why get married (if you are only trying it out!?)  I think an engagement is meant to be a trial period.  (Although it's so public you may as well be married at that stage )

 

Personally I think marriage is overrated... but that's because I was in a 17 year marriage which probably shouldn't have been more than just a friendship  

[PeterPanForever]

51 minutes ago, Happy giraffe said:

@Peterson515 - why?  Is this like smoking a cigarette or drinking alcohol (never tried smoking but have tried alcohol and decided it wasn't for me ).  I suggest trying to live with someone first.  Why get married (if you are only trying it out!?)  I think an engagement is meant to be a trial period.  (Although it's so public you may as well be married at that stage )

 

Personally I think marriage is overrated... but that's because I was in a 17 year marriage which probably shouldn't have been more than just a friendship  

At this stage of my life it is a toss up between committing myself to someone til death do us part, or else getting a guinea pig. The chances are, just to be safe, I shall do them both. I really have no strong views about marriage. I can take it or leave it, but I do think that being alone is overrated       Society seems to be changing quite rapidly and I wonder what marriage will look like a thousand years from now. I was mostly kidding about what I had said, but often I think about it, and imagine what it would have been like to have shared my life with someone like that. I've had girlfriends, and have a girlfriend right now, but my relationships are always odd and somewhat distant. It makes me wonder if I am even capable of having a close, intimate, and committed relationship.      

[HellsBells]

1 hour ago, Happy giraffe said:

Hi there @HellsBells

 

Sounds like we'r e on a similar journey.  Admittedly I separated and then worked out that I was ace... 

We separated in January (though he is still living in the family home at the moment) in no small part due to our differences over sex. Realised I was ace a couple of weeks ago (from AAW articles) Have talked to him about it and he has read some of the info, but he still wants to go ahead with his decision to split, which is ok with me. 

[Happy giraffe]

2 hours ago, Peterson515 said:

 I was mostly kidding about what I had said, but often I think about it, and imagine what it would have been like to have shared my life with someone like that. I've had girlfriends, and have a girlfriend right now, but my relationships are always odd and somewhat distant. It makes me wonder if I am even capable of having a close, intimate, and committed relationship.      

I think I know what you mean

When I broke up with my husband I wondered where my emotional response was.  I wasn't able to even cry over it.  

 

However I do still think I could have a close and intimate and committed relationship.  I think you will know when you find someone who you click with well enough!  Maybe your girlfriend and you will be able to grow into that relationship  I'm hoping for you.

[BobRossRules]

13 hours ago, 2bContent said:

Hmmm... There seems to be an influx lately in our forum of women who are divorcing longtime husbands. What gives?  

Divorce rates continue to increase.  I was married twice, the second time about 17 years or so.  

 

12 hours ago, Peterson515 said:

I would like to get married just to try it out and see if I like it, like test driving a car. I have never even been in the vicinity of marriage, and I suppose that it is one of those things that everyone should try at least once. 

Marriage can be fun, with the right person.  Before things got real stressful, it was nice sharing my life with someone.

 

I don't think I'd consider getting married again though, but would enter into a partnership (possibly).  But I like my space.  Having the same house with separate master suites would be cool, or even living in a duplex were we'd be next to each other, but still have our own place.

 

 

[BobRossRules]

@Daniela Welcome, by the way.  @Any did you change your name?

 

I accomplished a lot of homeownership duties this weekend (adulting sucks).  I cleared out 23 bags of leaves, plus 3 more that accumulated in my garage.  I also assembled a Snow Bully in preparation for the snow season.  I'm sore.  My dogs were recently groomed, so it's fun snuggling with clean dogs while I'm recovering.  I'm planing on making a house for my cats out of cardboard boxes.  I saw some videos on YoutTube.  I'm not sure I'll do that this weekend, maybe next.

 

I hope everyone is having a good weekend.   

[Daniela]

1 hour ago, faraday☘ said:

@Daniela Welcome, by the way.  @Any did you change your name?

 

I accomplished a lot of homeownership duties this weekend (adulting sucks).  I cleared out 23 bags of leaves, plus 3 more that accumulated in my garage.  I also assembled a Snow Bully in preparation for the snow season.  I'm sore.  My dogs were recently groomed, so it's fun snuggling with clean dogs while I'm recovering.  I'm planing on making a house for my cats out of cardboard boxes.  I saw some videos on YoutTube.  I'm not sure I'll do that this weekend, maybe next.

 

I hope everyone is having a good weekend.   

Sounds like a productive weekend! 

On 3/1/2012 at 6:00 PM, knine said:

In my mid-40's. Turning 40 was just another day for me. Still don't feel like a 40-something, except for the slowing down, taking longer to heal, aches and pains, deteriorating eyesight....

Think I'll stop there, I'm getting depressed

I am 46 and going the same way...

 

[Enne Kristin]

@faraday☘ not really "changed" as a matter of fact, I just wrote it like it is pronounced... People started calling me "Nüüüü", what is ... some whiney sound in German and y is read as an open Ü

[Seajules]

I envy those of you whose divorces are amicable, and I sincerely hope your relationships remain so.

 

Hi, everyone.  I'm (sorta) back.  Though, honestly, I was here so briefly and so long ago that I wonder if I need to reintroduce myself.  School's been eating up all of my time the past several years, and I finally earned one degree at the end of August, only to start the next one at the beginning of September.  So while I hope to participate more, that may be unrealistic.  I've stayed subscribed to the thread, though, and there have been a lot of days when it's helped to be reminded I'm not alone.  Now if I can just find some AVENites in Jacksonville to actually meet in person...

[newgirl]

Who's into  live  online audio and/or video chat?

[argar]

It's okay, but either I hate the way my voice sounds or I hate having to put a t-shirt on in video chat. Lol

[OldNews]

13 minutes ago, newgirl said:

Who's into  live  online audio and/or video chat?

I use it mostly for podcasting, but I do sometimes use it for talking to friends and family.

[autumnrose]

On 11/4/2017 at 7:18 PM, 2bContent said:

Hmmm... There seems to be an influx lately in our forum of women who are divorcing longtime husbands. What gives? I had been beating myself up the past year or more, quite confusedly, over my dizzying orientation. Just as my ex-husband had been wondering, how does a person go from being "normally" married to then claiming asexuality? And with a child? So I've been digging for answers myself. I recently finished reading a book called Sexual Fluidity: Understanding Women's Love and Desire (by psychologist/researcher Lisa Diamond). Regardless of whether you have ever had any same-sex inclinations, the book gently hints at asexuality in the sense of presenting scholarly evidence of a woman's desire to emotionally connect without necessarily feeling any sexual urgency. Not only is this a well substantiated occurrence, but it may ebb and flow over a woman's lifetime. Evidence suggests that orientation can and does fluctuate -- fluidly -- through a woman's life. (The author mainly investigated this occurrence in women, but she did present information that supports a man's ability to experience a similar, though less likely, fluidity.) It was a great book. Lengthy, but great.

I thank you for this book recommendation. I am definitely going to read it. I have been reading about sex my whole life...trying to figure out why I kept having sexual conflict in all my relationships. For many years, it was all about how to "fix" me. Then it was, "well, maybe I'm broken, but so what...I'm tired of trying so hard" to finally "Well look at that...turns out there's nothing wrong with me after all!"

 

What freedom! I think only people on here, especially older people who have been wrestling with this issue for a long time, ESPECIALLY through times of ignorance, can understand how liberating it is to stop trying to fit in, change and live without authenticity. 

 

I am just out of a serious 5 year relationship where virtually the same conflict played out as in my marriage of 15 years (which ended 10 years ago). At this point in time, I have NO inclination to ever get married or live with a partner again! Of course, this is through the lens of my past - my relationships were so hard, they just weren't worth it. I don't want that kind of "compromise" anymore. But...now that I know there are plenty of people out there who might understand asexuality or who are, in fact, asexual...maybe a relationship with those people would finally feel right.

[2bContent]

It's very interesting how many people on this forum (and on the asexuality spectrum) use the word "authentic" or "authenticity" as well as "fix" and "broken."  There is a bittersweet freedom about discovering the notion of asexuality -- it's validating, but also a bit lonely as one looks toward the future.  I still try to talk myself into an interest in sex that just isn't there, and it boggles my mind that the vast majority (nearly all) of people on this planet are so interested in it.  But I question their authenticity.  How many of them, I wonder, just go along with it (sex) because that's what they're raised believing that they should do, and what they should like, and what they should value?  How many of them, if they really really thought about it and allowed themselves to be authentic, would say, "I don't really like doing that, but I'm married to him/her and this is what people do when they are a couple."  I know many married women who seem to agree with this quote, and I find it heartbreaking (if not a bit psychologically disturbing and sexually abusive in a 
"normalized" sort of way).  

[Blondbear]

1 hour ago, 2bContent said:

It's very interesting how many people on this forum (and on the asexuality spectrum) use the word "authentic" or "authenticity" as well as "fix" and "broken."  There is a bittersweet freedom about discovering the notion of asexuality -- it's validating, but also a bit lonely as one looks toward the future.  I still try to talk myself into an interest in sex that just isn't there, and it boggles my mind that the vast majority (nearly all) of people on this planet are so interested in it.  But I question their authenticity.  How many of them, I wonder, just go along with it (sex) because that's what they're raised believing that they should do, and what they should like, and what they should value?  How many of them, if they really really thought about it and allowed themselves to be authentic, would say, "I don't really like doing that, but I'm married to him/her and this is what people do when they are a couple."  I know many married women who seem to agree with this quote, and I find it heartbreaking (if not a bit psychologically disturbing and sexually abusive in a 
"normalized" sort of way).  

 

I do actually think that it is a total misconception in AVEN that sexual people maybe want sex because of culture. Humans are animals and animals don't need any culture to have the desire of sex. Having said that, what is really cultural is the romantic idea of love and sex, mostly bornt in the XIX century.

Sex is not a simple thing, is a relationship and it depends on many factors, it is very complex and it can be affected by aging, illness, parenthood, etc... And is affected by the ability of a person to be close and vulnerable with other people.

[newgirl]

Things to do on a BORED Fri/Sat night (play  online board games)

 

Connect 4

https://www.mathsisfun.com/games/connect4.html

 

Yahtzee

https://cardgames.io/yahtzee/

 

Hearts

https://cardgames.io/hearts/

 

War

https://cardgames.io/war/

 

Tetris

http://www.freetetris.org/game.php

 

Simon says

http://www.primarygames.com/puzzles/simon/color/

 

Boggle

http://www.wordplays.com/boggle

 

Go fish

https://cardgames.io/gofish/

 

[Member7783]

When I turned 40 I had a major shift in perception and attitude, but I don't think it was because of turning 40, it's just that I happened to turn 40 at the time my lookout on the world changed.

 

I'm not fond of things like ear hair, liver spots, or analgesic creams to treat aching muscles, but overall, turning 40 was pretty awesome.  I honestly never expected to live this long.

[newgirl]

Today was my 9 th anniversity with my male sexual friend but why do i feel so alone.

[argar]

You could feel lonely in a crowded room.

 

So the question is why you feel lonely?

 

 

[newgirl]

I wanted to inform Aven members who love to travel or love to show people around their city/town

 

Couchsurfing

https://www.couchsurfing.com/

Asexual couchsurfer

https://www.couchsurfing.com/groups/asexual-couchsurfers

[argar]

@newgirl

 

I saw this and though of you.

 

 

Roughly translated: Loneliness is not being alone..it is being empty...

 

It made me reflect on things, I hope it helps you do a little introspection as well.

 

 

 

[newgirl]

Argar,

 

Wow! your post and this movie I just  saw at the movie theater got my mind thinking. My mind is  thinking about  Loneliness , being too  nice to people and always finish last. . Thanks for the  quote.

[argar]

What movie?

 

Share!

 

I might decide to either watch it now, or wait for it on Netflix. Lol