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Some relationship advice wanted


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#1 thecheeseisblue

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Posted 22 February 2012 - 11:11 PM

Hello there folks. I had a conversation with my girlfriend earlier today, and I wanted to talk to someone who may understand better than my friends have been able to. So I will turn to the internet. First, a little back story.

We're both in college. I've been openly asexual for a while, since long before I began dating her. She insisted she was perfectly okay with that, and didn't need physical intimacy. We were friends beforehand, and started dating just as both of us left the country for different study abroad trips (Me in Japan, her in Spain). Several months later, we came back, this semester started, and we finally got to be together. Which is good. Fun times.

Anyway, there are some problems. I am not a big fan of being touched. Used to never touch anyone, now I've gotten much better and give hugs and everything. And she's all over me a lot, but that's not a big deal. The bigger deals start with kissing. She wants to kiss me all the time. I'm not a huge fan of kissing, but that's okay. However, sometimes when I do kiss her, she tries to take things further, which leaves me just mostly terrified of kissing her. I want nothing to do with anything sexual. I think it's gross. Anyway, I tried a few things. Made out with her. Wasn't fun. Went a little further. Was less fun, couldn't really do it. I try because I do want to please her, but I just literally can not bring myself to do anything sexual to her. Anyway, as of today we've been together for six months (counting time abroad). She asks me if she had any like, concerns with how things are going and I say no (meaning obviously she has something to say). Anyway, she goes on to say she wishes I could be more active when we do sexual things. And that she knows I'm asexual, but she is getting sexually frustrated and she wants there to be some physical aspect to our relationship.

I don't know what to do. I tried to do sexual things with her. I thought it was gross and I don't want to. She wants us to find some sort of middle ground. I'm not so sure what that would be. I'm fine with being naked with her, but I don't want to touch her. It's unpleasant to me. I really care about her, and want to stay with her, but I don't know if I can do it. Any time a remotely sexual situation comes up, it makes me feel slightly sick, and then I feel terrible about it afterwards. I don't want to have any sort of sexual situations. She said she was okay with that, but clearly she isn't. And now I don't really know what to do. Thoughts?

#2 dino-saw

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Posted 22 February 2012 - 11:26 PM

I think you should talk to her, tell her how you feel and what your boundaries are. If she is really not fine without having 'sexual situations' and you can't see a compromise then maybe you need to re-evaluate your relationship, it might not work out.

Hope you figure out what to do!

#3 Shaded

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 12:07 AM

Hmm, like Dino said, you really should talk to her. Get all your feelings out (and all of hers) and explain what you're comfortable with.
Maybe make a compromise that works for both of you.
Just lay everything out on the table and see what comes from it, and go from there.
I've dated a sexual and I know it can be difficult, but there are ways to make it work, Stay positive.

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#4 Lukar

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 12:48 AM

Not feeling comfortable with touching is going to make it very difficult for you guys to find a middle ground. Maybe even impossible. Unless she can get off while you talk dirty to her, or something....? I dunno. Or you have an open relationship.
But even with that, you guys still have "issues" with general physical intimacy (you not wanting it and she does). For the majority of people, physical intimacy (hugging, holding hands, kissing, cuddling etc.) is a huge part of a romantic relationship. Even if she thought at one point that she didn't need it, most likely as she started to feel more for you the desire to touch also grew.

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#5 Sally

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 01:42 AM

It sounds like she's not really being honest with herself. She isn't fine with not having sex, and she isn't fine with you being asexual and not wanting sex.

You may have to get her to realize that she's kind of fooling herself -- perhaps thinking that if she just keeps asking you to do things and telling you she really wants to do things, then you'll just "fix it". That's not going to happen. She needs to know that from you, directly.
I don't do PMs -- nothing personal, just can't deal with them.

#6 Awkward Turtle

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 03:19 AM

It sounds like she's not really being honest with herself. She isn't fine with not having sex, and she isn't fine with you being asexual and not wanting sex.

You may have to get her to realize that she's kind of fooling herself -- perhaps thinking that if she just keeps asking you to do things and telling you she really wants to do things, then you'll just "fix it". That's not going to happen. She needs to know that from you, directly.


Agreed. It sounds like you were pretty upfront about being asexual, though maybe it's going to take a serious conversation to clarify exactly what that means for you in terms of your boundaries. While it can be hard to let go of someone when you care about them, it sounds like you two might be looking for different things in a relationship.

#7 Touchofinsight

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Posted 23 February 2012 - 04:41 AM

Heres what I see, as a sexual women she looks for physical and sexual contact for intimacy, it shows her without words that she is valued, appreciated, and desired. I am not saying this is the only way to communicate those things to her, but this is how she used to things being and desires them to be. I agree with the following post:

It sounds like she's not really being honest with herself. She isn't fine with not having sex, and she isn't fine with you being asexual and not wanting sex.
You may have to get her to realize that she's kind of fooling herself -- perhaps thinking that if she just keeps asking you to do things and telling you she really wants to do things, then you'll just "fix it". That's not going to happen. She needs to know that from you, directly.

Its true she wants sex, she wants close physical contact and shes trying to change you to get it rather then just breaking up with you and being alone until she finds another person. Here is how I see her logic. She started to get you to kiss and hug by doing it over and over again, conditioning you to like it or at least accept it. Now she feels like well if we go ahead and try to go further long enough things will change. I mean look at your post, these are your words.

Anyway, there are some problems. I am not a big fan of being touched. Used to never touch anyone, now I've gotten much better and give hugs and everything. And she's all over me a lot, but that's not a big deal. The bigger deals start with kissing. She wants to kiss me all the time. I'm not a huge fan of kissing, but that's okay. However, sometimes when I do kiss her, she tries to take things further, which leaves me just mostly terrified of kissing her. Anyway, she goes on to say she wishes I could be more active when we do sexual things. And that she knows I'm asexual, but she is getting sexually frustrated and she wants there to be some physical aspect to our relationship.



The problem is she doesn't know or refuses to acknolwedge that making out is making you very uncomfortable and that your not going to change any time soon that would be with in her time frame. She is trying to "fix" the relationship that can't be. Tell her how you feel and end the relationship this isn't going anywhere, unless your willing to open up the relationship so she can get her sexual needs elsewhere. While this may extend the length of your relationship if you choose to do this you have to prepare your self for the fact that if you do, she MAY just become emotionally attached to one of her sexual partners and end the relationship you have with her, or put you in the "Friend zone". I think in this situation the middle ground isn't going to be acceptable for either one of you.

Best of luck
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#8 Faelights

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Posted 26 February 2012 - 04:08 AM

It seems to me that in addition to being asexual, you may also be touch/sex-aversive or touch/sex-repulsed. I wonder if you might consider bringing that up with her... Have you let her know that you've already come a long way with the stuff you've been agreeing to do so far?

If you keep acceding and you're not careful enough, you might end up in an awkward, uncomfortable situation that you'll regret later. It's best to be upfront about all this stuff, in my opinion.

#9 fireNinja

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Posted 02 March 2012 - 01:51 AM

One thing that seems to work as a middle ground in the relationship i'm in is being naked in bed and she masturbates. That way she gets some of her needs met with my being involved in a way. Same is true if the roles flip; which is another compromise that you may get to be comfortable with.

#10 Skullery Maid

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Posted 02 March 2012 - 04:59 AM

The default position in relationships is physical intimacy. You guys may think this sounds stupid, but if I wanted to date someone when I was 16, 18 years old and they said "I'm asexual" but then agreed to be my boyfriend, I'd assume that "asexual" meant something other than "no physical contact", because the agreeing to be my boyfriend would have, in my mind, overridden the asexual thing. If you told me that you get motion sick but then later agree to go on a road trip with me, I'd be genuinely surprised if you refused to ride in the car. I mean, road trip means riding in a car, right?!

I'm not saying that's the right way to look at things, but it is the way most people look at it. If you plan on being in a relationship with someone but don't intend to kiss them, have sex with them, whatever, you need to be crystal clear.

Also, be prepared for the sexual's feelings to change. Most of us significantly underestimate the importance of physical intimacy in our lives. In general it's seen as uncouth to be too sexual, so most people are going to say that sex isn't that important to them. What kind of monster would you be if sex interfered with love!! So when asked, many of us will say "oh, its totally fine if we don't have sex", but after awhile some people find out it matters more than they thought it would. Understand that they were never lying to you, they legitimately didn't know how they were going to feel.

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#11 Sally

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Posted 02 March 2012 - 06:11 AM

The default position in relationships is physical intimacy. You guys may think this sounds stupid, but if I wanted to date someone when I was 16, 18 years old and they said "I'm asexual" but then agreed to be my boyfriend, I'd assume that "asexual" meant something other than "no physical contact", because the agreeing to be my boyfriend would have, in my mind, overridden the asexual thing. If you told me that you get motion sick but then later agree to go on a road trip with me, I'd be genuinely surprised if you refused to ride in the car. I mean, road trip means riding in a car, right?!

I'm not saying that's the right way to look at things, but it is the way most people look at it. If you plan on being in a relationship with someone but don't intend to kiss them, have sex with them, whatever, you need to be crystal clear.

Also, be prepared for the sexual's feelings to change. Most of us significantly underestimate the importance of physical intimacy in our lives. In general it's seen as uncouth to be too sexual, so most people are going to say that sex isn't that important to them. What kind of monster would you be if sex interfered with love!! So when asked, many of us will say "oh, its totally fine if we don't have sex", but after awhile some people find out it matters more than they thought it would. Understand that they were never lying to you, they legitimately didn't know how they were going to feel.


Asexual agrees with all of this.

X wants physical relationship, Y doesn't = not a realistic relationship.
I don't do PMs -- nothing personal, just can't deal with them.

#12 Jack Havock

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Posted 06 March 2012 - 03:27 PM

Well, I'm very sorry. I haven't even gotten to the point of asking someone out and them going out with me, so it sounds like I have a long way to go...

Anyway, I would also set boundaries that would make you more comfortable. For example, make it very clear that you won't have sex, but that you will cuddle her and kiss her. Maybe that would make you more open to kissing etc. if she knows it won't go all the way.




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