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Rivan Vox

I am asexual. I want sex. These are not mutually exclusive in the least.

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Rivan Vox

It is quite frustrating to be reading aven and for so many asexuals to discuss asexuality as if it meant asexuals did not want sex. They have sex drives, just like anyone else. It just so happens that unlike most people their sex drive doesn't drive them towards any particular sex.

It is bad enough when other people misunderstand asexuality, but when asexuals on this board misunderstand as well, I find it quite alarming.

Wanting sex because it is pleasurable is entirely separate from not experiencing sexual attraction. I am not attracted to people, but they happen to be quite nice and have useful physiological features.

On the flipside, you can experience sexual attraction and not have the slightest interest in sex.

Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction, nothing more and nothing less.

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cleuchtturm

Are desire and attraction the same? Cause a good handful of us don't have either.

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Vampyremage

Are desire and attraction the same? Cause a good handful of us don't have either.

I think it depends on what you mean by desire. Actively wanting to have sex with a specific person is different than being physically attracted to that person. However, some interpret that initial spark of sexual attraction to be a weak sort of desire in and of itself. If we're going by the first definition then I would have to say they are different but if we are going by the second then they are very much the same. So I think its important to clarify what, exactly is meant by desire.

As for myself, I have never felt sexual attraction or proactive sexual desire. I put in the adjective of proactive because there have been situations in which my partner has succeeded in arousing me sufficiently that I desire sexual relief, though I'm not certain that could even be considered desire as, if I had the choice, I would have preferred to simply achieve that release on my own.

I am of a mixed mind when it comes to the differentiation between sexual attraction and sexual desire for the motivation of physical pleasure. There are many motivations to have sex that have very little to do with proactive desire. In making my next statement, understand that I am speaking of very specific motivations. I am not speaking of being motivated to please a partner because they are loved or to make them happy. I am speaking, very specifically, of the motivation to have sex due to its pleasurable aspect.

The thing is, I'm not entirely sure sexual attraction and that sort of sexual desire are entirely separate. Is it possible to desire sex for the sake of having sex while still claiming lack of sexual attraction? While I am not entirely willing to say definitively that such is impossible, I do lean in the direction that they are extremely closely intertwined to the point that I'm not entirely sure that they can be easily separated, if at all.

For quite some time I have been a proponent of the fact that being asexual goes beyond the simple statement of lack of sexual attraction. Of course being asexual is, at its core, a lack of sexual attraction, but what does that really mean? Even the concept of what is sexual attraction seems to be a confusing one given all of the many questions that pop up on AVEN about it. More importantly, perhaps, I think the question needs to become, what are the effects upon the individual if they are asexual? What struggles do they face because of the fact that they are asexual? What are the traits that go along with that lack of sexual attraction?

I think there are very few asexuals who would claim to have sexual desire for sex's sake yet still lack sexual attraction. For those of us with libidos, of which I am one, most of us seem to prefer addressing them solo. For many of us who enjoy sexual contact, those sensations feel more natural to do alone than to involve a partner. For many of us, the involvement of that partner is largely due to other motivating factors, such as wanting to please one's partner.

There is a great struggle for many asexuals relating directly to the fact that they are unable to return that desire or that passion of a sexual partner. It could even be argued that such is really the most prominent struggle that most asexuals face along with, I suppose, sex repulsion for those who are sex repulsed. So one has to wonder, if someone is stating that they are asexual and yet lack certain core qualities that the majority of asexuals seem to have, does the label retain its meaning?

Please keep in mind, I am not saying that any of this is definitive law and I am not stating who should take on the asexual label and who shouldn't nor am I in any way trying to suggest any form of asexual elitism. However, I think these are important questions to bring up and consider.

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Kisa the Cat

It is quite frustrating to be reading aven and for so many asexuals to discuss asexuality as if it meant asexuals did not want sex. They have sex drives, just like anyone else. It just so happens that unlike most people their sex drive doesn't drive them towards any particular sex.

It is bad enough when other people misunderstand asexuality, but when asexuals on this board misunderstand as well, I find it quite alarming.

Wanting sex because it is pleasurable is entirely separate from not experiencing sexual attraction. I am not attracted to people, but they happen to be quite nice and have useful physiological features.

On the flipside, you can experience sexual attraction and not have the slightest interest in sex.

Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction, nothing more and nothing less.

Thank you for making this thread :cake:

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cleuchtturm

By desire I mean arousal. I don't get aroused, and I'm not sexually attracted to anyone, nor have I been in the past. I just want to cuddle. :lol:

I am also sex repulsed.

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Vivi

It is quite frustrating to be reading aven and for so many asexuals to discuss asexuality as if it meant asexuals did not want sex.

Asexuality from what i know is relatively new and most people come here because they accept the fact that if you don't want to have sex you're not a freak of nature or need to be rape or a pedo or any other thing but human. you just have to accept that people in general are going through something they couldn't express before and it may be hard for them to understand the complex levels or attraction , desire and what is sexual and what is not but I can understand why you are frustrated regardless because i can understand how you can be asexual(not see people as ass tits pussy and dick etc) and still want sex because obviously a sex drive is trigger by the person you are and not necessarily by the person you are with regardless of labels, titles ,race,gender,religion OR sexuality.

They have sex drives, just like anyone else. It just so happens that unlike most people their sex drive doesn't drive them towards any particular sex.

again from what ive seen alot of people here have never had a organism or a erection or been horny and some may never have the desire to or just not like the feeling during or afterwords o being aroused. you can say that "you can think sexually but you dont feel the need to have sex" and some people will understand and some just might not

It is bad enough when other people misunderstand asexuality, but when asexuals on this board misunderstand as well, I find it quite alarming.

Again asexuality is new and i apologize if i sound like a bitch but as of now just making it clear that asexuality is not a disease or stand for people who want to have sex with animals is really all that is going to be agreeable on. they're are different types of asexuals and that's just going to take a little longer for everyone to understand

Wanting sex because it is pleasurable is entirely separate from not experiencing sexual attraction. I am not attracted to people, but they happen to be quite nice and have useful physiological features.

this i understand though ive never experience it i understand . . .sort of. Is like the idea that even though someone not of your standards or not sexual attracting or pretty - youll have sex with them for the benifit of pleasure? its not to make you or anyone sounds shallow because what i say who gives a fuck but i would just like a clear answer.

On the flipside, you can experience sexual attraction and not have the slightest interest in sex.
THIS! i experience this all the time. I always notice a girl backside (wow that a bold statememnt to put i sound like a p- anyway -__-). I know how sexual it is and I notice it because it a sexual thing but the idea to sleep with them or grab them not only out of respect and because that fucking werid to me but because i have no desire to "have" them. i could just have simply notice their behinds because i know its sexual in natural or simply i could find their silhouette aesthetically pleasing but then it wouldn't be sexual...and i know how werid i just sounds..oh well ig uess its a good thing i dont plan on making friends
Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction, nothing more and nothing less.

these two things are hard for people to subtract especially in a world that blur them together. sure you can fuck someone and find them completely unattractive and you can be with someone as friends for years and thing theyre sexually attractive but HERE on this site people who don't like sex but still want love and affection come here. theyre not worried about sexual attraction or sexual desire because they want neither but trust me youre not the only asexual who wants sex or believe there is a different. i know i do.

P.S

if this offends anybody or i come off cocky or stupid or completely drunk dyslexic or whatever i sincerely apologize now.

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Meph

It is quite frustrating to be reading aven and for so many asexuals to discuss asexuality as if it meant asexuals did not want sex. They have sex drives, just like anyone else. It just so happens that unlike most people their sex drive doesn't drive them towards any particular sex.

It is bad enough when other people misunderstand asexuality, but when asexuals on this board misunderstand as well, I find it quite alarming.

Wanting sex because it is pleasurable is entirely separate from not experiencing sexual attraction. I am not attracted to people, but they happen to be quite nice and have useful physiological features.

On the flipside, you can experience sexual attraction and not have the slightest interest in sex.

Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction, nothing more and nothing less.

Finally ^_^

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*killer*queen*

Thank you! I had been going to comment this morning on another thread that rather hit me the wrong way. I suspect you’ve probably read that one based on this.

I’ve also noticed, mostly recently (and half of that outside of AVEN), that a lot of people are focusing more on “no sex” being the major definition – which it isn’t . That’s fine if it defines the Ace you are. But what seems to be forgotten is what the most basic definition is and that is simply a lack of sexual attraction to people. Obviously, we know a desire for the person is not needed to have sex with them…so why can’t one have sex simply because one likes sex? Because it does something for you, not necessarily because of the other person. It’s another reason why I hate that people think those who masturbate can’t be asexual. I have yet to hear one person say they are attracted to themselves and thus that is why they masturbate. They masturbate because they enjoy it or they need to. Simple enough.

True, a lot of Aces don’t want sex or they simply don’t care one way or the other. To me, it makes sense that just because one likes sex does not mean one isn’t asexual. Like it says on the front page. Asexual : A person who does not experience sexual attraction. That’s it. There are a variety of asexuals just like there are a variety of sexuals. How you define yourself within the genre is your choice. Do not confuse no sexual attraction with no need/want for sex as a lot of Aces are trying to get across to the rest of the world not to confuse asexual with not needing/wanting relationships simply because of the term. Or the sexuals who think that because you aren’t attracted to them sexually must mean that you can’t feel something for them (romantic attraction). It’s a little different for everyone.

I have seen many comments on various articles about Aces. Comments that were in defense of Aces…but I don’t think it did anyone any justice (nice as it was to see people stand up for us on an otherwise hate/disgust-filled comment board). Simply stating that “being asexual means no sex ever” does not really help. We know that’s not true, many compromise and many don’t find it this huge burden to. And if the rest of the world who are unfamiliar with that and simply equate asexual with “no sex ever” it drastically lowers the chances for the ones who do want relationships. People are going to hear asexual and (those who really want sex as part of the relationship, even if it’s not as much as they’d like) are going to be mentally checking that person off their list before they’ve even gotten to know them. I mean, just right off the bat (more likely only if you’re very open with people about that though –still not everyone is understanding and even if they do know you they may back peddle when they hear the word anyway).

Very tired, should’ve been in bed awhile ago. Or asleep I should say. I am actually in bed, but I always check AVEN as part of my nighttime ritual and saw this post and had to get it out of my head. I hope it made sense.

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*killer*queen*

I believe one can be sexually aroused without being sexually attracted. To me they are two different things. Cause and effect in different ways.

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T2Logan

I get confused about all the definitions and explanations too. I can find one aesthetically attractive, but NO arousal, NO desire....nothing. Sure a person is beautiful or attractive, but there is no sexual connection there what-so-ever for me.

Then there comes the question about having arousal (physical feelings) just randomly (no person or circumstances spark it) and having NO desire to do anything about it....it's more annoying than anything. Is that part of asexuality as well?

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BonesTheHeretic

Amen.

I have no desire to have sex in the immediate future, but I wouldn't at all be opposed to giving it a try at some point, seeing as it supposedly feels pretty damn good. That doesn't, in any way, invalidate my asexuality.

Thanks.

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Rivan Vox

To answer a few questions:

As a hyperthymic (look it up; hyperthymic temperament) I have an extremely high libido. it's just part and parcel with what I am. Now, I enjoy masturabation; I do it several times per day, in fact. Now, add in that I am very extroverted; I enjoy interaction with others. Now, I can get off by myself, and that is perfectly grand. Or I can have sex with someone, which means that one, I get off, and two, I get social interaction.

I don't experience sexual attraction because attraction doesn't figure in. It could be literally anyone with working genitals. Attraction is a sorting algorithm; it is drawing a distinction and saying THIS person is attractive, this person is less attractive, etc. however, my sex drive does not make those distinctions; it just wants to be satisfied in whatever way I can manage, and is not at all particular about whom it is with, or even if it is with someone.

However, since having sex with someone does double duty as both a means to satisfy my libido and a way to connect with another person, it is more desirable than masturbation. More of a work out, too, and it can be a way of affirming a bond (in the context of a romantic relationship.)

Thanks for the good responses. :cake:

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FrozenCherry

That is why I have said 15 years that sex is wanking to other people.

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test account

It is quite frustrating to be reading aven and for so many asexuals to discuss asexuality as if it meant asexuals did not want sex. They have sex drives, just like anyone else. It just so happens that unlike most people their sex drive doesn't drive them towards any particular sex.

It is bad enough when other people misunderstand asexuality, but when asexuals on this board misunderstand as well, I find it quite alarming.

Wanting sex because it is pleasurable is entirely separate from not experiencing sexual attraction. I am not attracted to people, but they happen to be quite nice and have useful physiological features.

On the flipside, you can experience sexual attraction and not have the slightest interest in sex.

Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction, nothing more and nothing less.

So are you attracted to sexual activity, but don't find any person attractive? How do you choose who to have sex with? Is it just whoever is available, and do you have prerequisites on the sort of body (fat, thin, old, young)? I'm just curious, and seeing as you want us to understand, maybe you could explain further?

Edit: ah looks like we crossposted as i see you just started explaining. I still am curious to know if your partners usually fall into a certain physical category in reality.

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Data

To answer a few questions:

As a hyperthymic (look it up; hyperthymic temperament) I have an extremely high libido. it's just part and parcel with what I am. Now, I enjoy masturabation; I do it several times per day, in fact. Now, add in that I am very extroverted; I enjoy interaction with others. Now, I can get off by myself, and that is perfectly grand. Or I can have sex with someone, which means that one, I get off, and two, I get social interaction.

I don't experience sexual attraction because attraction doesn't figure in. It could be literally anyone with working genitals. Attraction is a sorting algorithm; it is drawing a distinction and saying THIS person is attractive, this person is less attractive, etc. however, my sex drive does not make those distinctions; it just wants to be satisfied in whatever way I can manage, and is not at all particular about whom it is with, or even if it is with someone.

However, since having sex with someone does double duty as both a means to satisfy my libido and a way to connect with another person, it is more desirable than masturbation. More of a work out, too, and it can be a way of affirming a bond (in the context of a romantic relationship.)

Thanks for the good responses. :cake:

How do you separate sexual attraction from social attraction that makes you interested in sex with somebody? Sexual attraction =/= being attracted only based on physical beauty. To me it seems that there always has to be attraction to something to desire sex, and I had not seen a good criteria to separate different kinds of attraction. For somebody physical attractiveness will be the most important, for somebody else it will mostly be the personality that is attractive, but it is still attraction that makes you interested in having sex with somebody so those distinctions sound a bit arbitrary to me.

Now if somebody have sex due to social pressure or because the partner wants it, then that is different then wanting sex.

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Beachwalker

If you have a libido and want to satisfy it, isn't it just a case of personal preference whether you DIY or find someone to service you? For example some people prefer to wax their own legs, others prefer someone to do it for them.

People who have sex don't always feel sexually attracted to each other, but they have sex anyway because it's available, mutually convenient and they have a libido.

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Faelights

If you have a libido and want to satisfy it, isn't it just a case of personal preference whether you DIY or find someone to service you? For example some people prefer to wax their own legs, others prefer someone to do it for them.

People who have sex don't always feel sexually attracted to each other, but they have sex anyway because it's available, mutually convenient and they have a libido.

This, and what Rivan said in his original post and since, and everything else in the same vein.

It may come across as hedonistic, but hell, sex can feel good... why not revel in it if you have the opportunity to?

To use the overused food analogy:

  • Libido/sex drive is like hunger.
  • Sexual attraction is like craving a particular food to satisfy that hunger.
  • Asexuality is when you have no cravings whatsoever.
  • Having no cravings doesn't mean you can't appreciate the taste and texture of different foods though.

Conclusion: If you're hungry and there's food and you know how to appreciate that food, why not?

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Vampyremage

Assuming we are not talking about the sex repulsed, I go back to the question of what does it really mean to be asexual if you have individuals who say they experience no sexual attraction and yet prefer to have sex with other people? What does it mean to be asexual if one doesn't have any of the difficulties most asexuals report having relating directly to their asexuality?

I do not believe the different types of attractions are always so difficult to separate from one another, thus the confusion that is so often apparent. Sexual and aesthetic attraction are very much parallel with very little difference between them, thus the fact that so many of us confused the two before coming to AVEN. With the majority of asexuals, the differentiation becomes easier because we can that we do not want sex with anyone. We don't feel sexual thoughts, if we have a libido we prefer to deal with it solo and there simply isn't any sort of sexual undertones in the way we think.

However, when one doesn't have that lack of preference for sex and, again, we are talking about innate motivation to have sex not external motivation, how does one really separate aesthetic from sexual attraction? Consider as well that sexual attraction does not have to be purely physical, it can have to do with the personality and quality of the individual in question as well. There are many people, not just demis, who would have no sexual desire and not even any sexual attraction to another without first knowing a little about the character of the person.

Consider as well the fact that for sexuals there are many motivations to have sex that do not have to do directly with being sexually attracted to another individual. Those motivations can range from affection, wanting to connect with one's partner, getting out anger, ect.

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Rivan Vox

Funnily enough, they really do not fall into any particular category; my age range is from 4 years my junior to 8 years my senior; and ditto with body types, rather diverse, from 4'9 to 6'0, thin as a rail to plump. I am a virgin, so I cannot particularly tell you WHOM I had sex with, because I have not had sex with anyone. I am comfortable having sex with people I am comfortable cuddling, so that includes pretty much anyone who is civil, respectful, and hygienic.

However, for me, the strongest indication that I am asexual is that I would not feel comfortable identifying as heterosexual; it feels alien and doesn't fit me, just like it never has (hence why, on discovering asexuality, I immediately felt relief.) gray-a is similar, albeit less so. But it never feels as 'solid' with me as asexual.

Honestly, I don't even know if sex will be a thing I like, but it certainly sounds WARM at least. It was only quite recently that I got over a few dozen knots in my (a)sexuality that were causing me to be sex-repulsed, and it took me about... ten years to get through them... so I interested in my newfound facility to no break down into tears in sexual situations. Mostly, I just like the idea that I could satisfy my partner and enjoy the process in a relationship.

The only things that turn me on, so to speak, are voices, warmth, and scent. Which is why I prefer females, since they usually have a pleasant combination of all three.

I do face difficulties as an asexual similar to others; simply being willing to have sex doesn't counteract most of the problem an asexual faces; misunderstanding what are, people denying what you are, not being able to become sufficiently aroused to please a partner, feeling uncomfortable or left out of sexual culture, etc.

Just because you want to fly doesn't mean you've suddenly grown wings.

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Vampyremage

Funnily enough, they really do not fall into any particular category; my age range is from 4 years my junior to 8 years my senior; and ditto with body types, rather diverse, from 4'9 to 6'0, thin as a rail to plump. I am a virgin, so I cannot particularly tell you WHOM I had sex with, because I have not had sex with anyone. I am comfortable having sex with people I am comfortable cuddling, so that includes pretty much anyone who is civil, respectful, and hygienic.

However, for me, the strongest indication that I am asexual is that I would not feel comfortable identifying as heterosexual; it feels alien and doesn't fit me, just like it never has (hence why, on discovering asexuality, I immediately felt relief.) gray-a is similar, albeit less so. But it never feels as 'solid' with me as asexual.

Honestly, I don't even know if sex will be a thing I like, but it certainly sounds WARM at least. It was only quite recently that I got over a few dozen knots in my (a)sexuality that were causing me to be sex-repulsed, and it took me about... ten years to get through them... so I interested in my newfound facility to no break down into tears in sexual situations. Mostly, I just like the idea that I could satisfy my partner and enjoy the process in a relationship.

The only things that turn me on, so to speak, are voices, warmth, and scent. Which is why I prefer females, since they usually have a pleasant combination of all three.

I do face difficulties as an asexual similar to others; simply being willing to have sex doesn't counteract most of the problem an asexual faces; misunderstanding what are, people denying what you are, not being able to become sufficiently aroused to please a partner, feeling uncomfortable or left out of sexual culture, etc.

Just because you want to fly doesn't mean you've suddenly grown wings.

Apologies, I think I may have partially misunderstood your initial post. While what I have said I stand by, given the clarification you have written here, I am not entirely certain that what I had to say should necessarily be directed at yourself.

I have had sex with multiple partners in my past so I have been there. I am not sex repulsed and, in the right circumstances, I might be willing to have sex again. Especially for those who haven't yet had sex, I very much understand the draw and curiosity regarding it. Something else I have been fairly vocal about on these boards is that I think having sex, so long as its not viewed as a traumatic experience, I think is something positive that should be encouraged. Do not mistake this for saying that I think everyone who thinks they are asexual should have sex because I wouldn't go that far, but I do think its something positive that lends a new perspective to people and a new level of experience.

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Faelights

Assuming we are not talking about the sex repulsed, I go back to the question of what does it really mean to be asexual if you have individuals who say they experience no sexual attraction and yet prefer to have sex with other people? What does it mean to be asexual if one doesn't have any of the difficulties most asexuals report having relating directly to their asexuality?

I do not believe the different types of attractions are always so difficult to separate from one another, thus the confusion that is so often apparent. Sexual and aesthetic attraction are very much parallel with very little difference between them, thus the fact that so many of us confused the two before coming to AVEN. With the majority of asexuals, the differentiation becomes easier because we can that we do not want sex with anyone. We don't feel sexual thoughts, if we have a libido we prefer to deal with it solo and there simply isn't any sort of sexual undertones in the way we think.

However, when one doesn't have that lack of preference for sex and, again, we are talking about innate motivation to have sex not external motivation, how does one really separate aesthetic from sexual attraction? Consider as well that sexual attraction does not have to be purely physical, it can have to do with the personality and quality of the individual in question as well. There are many people, not just demis, who would have no sexual desire and not even any sexual attraction to another without first knowing a little about the character of the person.

Consider as well the fact that for sexuals there are many motivations to have sex that do not have to do directly with being sexually attracted to another individual. Those motivations can range from affection, wanting to connect with one's partner, getting out anger, ect.

At this point in time, I sorta wish SkulleryMaid was around. I'm sure she'd agree with you in many aspects.

Anyway, getting down to it. I've mentioned elsewhere that I have the vague belief that the majority of the general population actually lies within "the gray area". So yes, I agree that many people have no sexual desire and might not even have any sexual attraction to other individuals without first knowing a little about the character of those people. For the latter, (in my mind) they would fall in the gray area. However, if it's just a matter of sexual desire and the sexual attraction is still there regardless, I would attribute it more to a matter of trust -- if you don't trust someone, even if you are sexually attracted to them, I think it would serve as quite the damper on experiencing sexual desire.

This particular statement in your post:

Consider as well the fact that for sexuals there are many motivations to have sex that do not have to do directly with being sexually attracted to another individual. Those motivations can range from affection, wanting to connect with one's partner, getting out anger, ect.

I believe that wholeheartedly, and I believe that asexuals can experience those very same motivations. That's partially what I'm trying to say you know -- that there are many non-sexual-attraction-related reasons that someone will choose to have sex, and that this range of reasons is available to everyone, whether they are asexual or mono/polysexual. Any combination of those reasons, as long as they are right for the individual in question, can motivate that individual to prefer engaging in sex with another individual rather than "take care of things" on their own.

For example, some of my motivations might be:

  • Sex drive/libido is acting up.
  • Wanting to connect with my partner (even though I'm not sexually attracted to them).
  • A way to show affection (even though I'm not sexually attracted to them).
  • As a part of engaging in BDSM play (i.e. there are non-sexual BDSM aspects I appreciate, and they can be coupled with sex).
  • It feels good and is a way to pass the time.
  • I'm trapped outside and it's freezing cold and I will die of hypothermia if I don't warm up soon and there is someone else handy. :P

Really, I don't know. The list could go on; every situation is different. But do take the time to notice that nowhere in that list did I put "because I'm aesthetically attracted to them" (though I'm sure this could be on someone else's list), because though I can appreciate aesthetics, they are likely never going to be a strong contributor to engage in sex.

All it is... is that I don't want to be told I'm not asexual because these things happen. Not that anyone here is saying that; I'm just saying that there are people out there who would tell me that I can't be asexual because I can participate in sex and enjoy it. But that's a little like saying that I can't be Chinese because I eat Italian food and I enjoy it, when I have no particular cravings or preference for either one of those or any other number of cuisines out there. It's a little frustrating.

Anyway, this opens up a can of worms, which is -- how exactly is sexual desire defined? Just the "desire to engage in sex"? Because if it is defined in such a manner, I would tentatively argue that maybe sexual attraction isn't a prerequisite to sexual desire. But I'm not really sure I want to delve into it right now, especially as I have no idea where academia is regarding this matter, and I'd rather not confusticate matters with my wild ramblings.

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Ambri

As a hyperthymic (look it up; hyperthymic temperament) I have an extremely high libido. it's just part and parcel with what I am.

I don't have a hyperthymic temperament, but I do have hyperthyroidism ^_^ (high libido is a symptom). At college, before I was diagnosed and treated, I had the craziest most super high libido ever. Yet no sexual attraction to either gender. Asexual! I spent two years on a very liberal campus with the libido of a rabbit and came out a virgin. I thought I was magic or something. :D

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bethechange

For me, I've never had a desire to have sex. Before I got married (I was a virgin when I got married), I enjoyed kissing and cuddling and such, but I never desired anything further or struggled with not going further the way so many of my friends talked about (I was raised Christian so sex before marriage was "wrong"). After marriage, I had sex, quite a lot of it because my husband has a high sex drive, but I always felt like a freak because i didn't want it, crave it. I like what feels good, but I have a a very limited list of what I think feels good.

When I discovered AVEN and read about other people who also didn't want sex, it was like someone else had written down what was in my brain. I have noticed as my small children are getting older and I'm heading on towards 30, that I do have a higher sex drive. But that hasn't changed the fact that I don't want or care for sex. I like that having sex with my husband scratches the itch of my sexual desire, so to speak. But if I weren't married, there's no way I'd be seeking out sex with someone else. And sex is only enjoyable to me in as much as I get physical pleasure from it. There's no connection or special fuzzy warm feelings, no desire for the other person (which is tricky, since I'm married, but thankfully my husband has come to understand).

So yeah, I might suggest to my husband that we have sex. And it might be because I know he wants it. Or because I'm experiencing a physical desire for sex (that I could take care of by myself but I don't b/c of reason number 1). But I will never "jump his bones" because I just want him so bad...the concept of wanting someone (sexually) is so foreign to me that I don't even understand it.

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The Honey Bear

It is quite frustrating to be reading aven and for so many asexuals to discuss asexuality as if it meant asexuals did not want sex. They have sex drives, just like anyone else. It just so happens that unlike most people their sex drive doesn't drive them towards any particular sex.

It is bad enough when other people misunderstand asexuality, but when asexuals on this board misunderstand as well, I find it quite alarming.

Wanting sex because it is pleasurable is entirely separate from not experiencing sexual attraction. I am not attracted to people, but they happen to be quite nice and have useful physiological features.

On the flipside, you can experience sexual attraction and not have the slightest interest in sex.

Asexuality is the lack of sexual attraction, nothing more and nothing less.

100% officially confused now. I always thought sexual attraction = you want to have sex with that person. So how could someone want sex without being attracted? Wouldn't it just be completely boring? I've always thought asexuals who had sex just did it to please their partner.

Sexuality is so confusing! :wacko:

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Beachwalker

100% officially confused now. I always thought sexual attraction = you want to have sex with that person. So how could someone want sex without being attracted? Wouldn't it just be completely boring? I've always thought asexuals who had sex just did it to please their partner.

Sexuality is so confusing! :wacko:

I think of sexual attraction as like a chemistry that draws individuals sexually to another and cause sexual desire to have sex with them. Whether they choose to act on this depends on many factors.

Sexual desire can occur independantly of sexual attraction. Fae gave lots of examples of sexual desire occuring independantly of sexual attraction in an earlier post. It comes down to personal preferences. Some straight male inmates engage in sex with each other, not because they are attracted to men but because they have a libido that they prefer to take care of with someone else rather than on their own (a lot of men are raped in prison but this example is about straight men engaging in consensual sex with each other).

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test account

Funnily enough, they really do not fall into any particular category; my age range is from 4 years my junior to 8 years my senior; and ditto with body types, rather diverse, from 4'9 to 6'0, thin as a rail to plump. I am a virgin, so I cannot particularly tell you WHOM I had sex with, because I have not had sex with anyone. I am comfortable having sex with people I am comfortable cuddling, so that includes pretty much anyone who is civil, respectful, and hygienic.

However, for me, the strongest indication that I am asexual is that I would not feel comfortable identifying as heterosexual; it feels alien and doesn't fit me, just like it never has (hence why, on discovering asexuality, I immediately felt relief.) gray-a is similar, albeit less so. But it never feels as 'solid' with me as asexual.

Honestly, I don't even know if sex will be a thing I like, but it certainly sounds WARM at least. It was only quite recently that I got over a few dozen knots in my (a)sexuality that were causing me to be sex-repulsed, and it took me about... ten years to get through them... so I interested in my newfound facility to no break down into tears in sexual situations. Mostly, I just like the idea that I could satisfy my partner and enjoy the process in a relationship.

The only things that turn me on, so to speak, are voices, warmth, and scent. Which is why I prefer females, since they usually have a pleasant combination of all three.

I do face difficulties as an asexual similar to others; simply being willing to have sex doesn't counteract most of the problem an asexual faces; misunderstanding what are, people denying what you are, not being able to become sufficiently aroused to please a partner, feeling uncomfortable or left out of sexual culture, etc.

Just because you want to fly doesn't mean you've suddenly grown wings.

Thanks Rivan. Yes sex can be warm, and affectionate and playful too, and I think you might be saying that you are attracted to doing that with people, not because you find them alluring, but because you find them cute and delightful, like bunny rabbits, or just totally awesome, like your favorite computer game?

Edit: I hope that doesn't sound belittling, because I don't mean it to be. I'm attracted to sex for the warmth and fun of it, and my ex was quite an ugly little toad but he was so cute too, like a ragged old teddybear with no eyes :wub: :lol:

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DunceHat

I think it's important to remember that we choose our own identities. If you say that you're asexual (and aren't deliberately lying for personal advantage :) We've all seen the guys pretending to be gay to get girls.) then you are. It's no-one's business to question that. We're all here because we identify more closely with each other than with people of other orientations. There's no hard and fast definition for "asexual". If you feel it, it's yours. And if you don't, that's cool, too. Whatever shakes your boat. :cake:

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Naosuu

This part of AVEN confuses me as well.

Unfortunately, it seems that the most vocal speakers on AVEN tend to be people whom have absolutely no connection with sex at all (sexual attraction, libido, etc). The general impression I got was that society was somehow sex-crazed and everybody wanted sex and I kept thinking to myself, "wow people think about sex this often?!"

Fast forward a year or so, with a lot more reading (paying more attention to self-identified "sexuals") and I've come to realize that, in reality, most people don't desire random, hot, kinky sex with that random, hot, kinky person. Most people want that emotional connection before doing the deed. I'm sure there are people who would agree that sex with that special someone cannot compare to random, hot, kinky sex. Not that having random, hot, kinky sex is bad... to each their own. I think it's actually a lot more common for people to find others sexually attractive and comment on that attractiveness.

Also, the more I read on AVEN, the more I realize that there is something much too simple and broad about asexual being described as "a lack of sexual attraction". It's a cold hard fact that many people actually lump sexual attraction with desire together, and at the same time there's a lot more to sexual attraction and desire than what we realize. Although, supposedly if something/someone/part of someone turns you on, that's it... but arguably, when someone is turned on doesn't desire/arousal also happen simultaneously? I mean, at that point there's a chicken and egg question... do you feel desire because someone is attractive or do you feel attraction because you find them desirable? Either way, you normally get some level of physical arousal as a result. I'm totally running around in circles on this one and totally spluttering out my brain's gray matter thoughts, but I still do not get it at all.

I would put forward that asexuality (provided we aren't talking about the sexually repulsed) is more about the lack of the fulfillment from/desire for partnered sex. I say fulfillment because, from my understanding, it's generally accepted from the 99% that masturbating and partnered sex is like eating hors d'oeuvres vs. having a full course meal (respectively, plus desire is a bit of a hefty word). From what I've read, most aces (libido or there lack of) can more-or-less take it or leave it because there's no ingrained connection between love and sex as a channel for love. Sex does provide some other aspects, and there are other reasons why aces might want to have sex, but it is not important to the overall picture of the relationship. Again, from my understanding, other forms of non-sexual intimacy are preferred.

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Jillianimal

If you have a libido and want to satisfy it, isn't it just a case of personal preference whether you DIY or find someone to service you? For example some people prefer to wax their own legs, others prefer someone to do it for them.

People who have sex don't always feel sexually attracted to each other, but they have sex anyway because it's available, mutually convenient and they have a libido.

This, and what Rivan said in his original post and since, and everything else in the same vein.

It may come across as hedonistic, but hell, sex can feel good... why not revel in it if you have the opportunity to?

To use the overused food analogy:

  • Libido/sex drive is like hunger.
  • Sexual attraction is like craving a particular food to satisfy that hunger.
  • Asexuality is when you have no cravings whatsoever.
  • Having no cravings doesn't mean you can't appreciate the taste and texture of different foods though.

Conclusion: If you're hungry and there's food and you know how to appreciate that food, why not?

Yay, food analogies! Always helpful. You don't mind if I contribute, do you?

aesthetic attraction = "that's beautifully prepared"

sexual attraction = "mm, that's appetizing"

sexual desire = "I feel like eating"

sexual desire + sexual attraction = "I feel like eating that because it's appetizing"

sex drive = "I'm hungry"

sexual arousal/stimulation = "my mouth is watering"

Asexuals can get hungry, get their mouth watering, admire presentation & may even feel like eating, but nothing ever looks appetizing to them. Some may even enjoy the taste despite it not stirring any kind of cravings...in sexual terms, of course.

.....I guess some of that was pretty redundant from what you said, Fae.

I think it's a pretty easy mistake though. Most people don't care to have sex with someone they don't find attractive, so I'm sure that's why sexual apathy comes naturally to a lot of asexuals. The problem is a lot of people just hear/read that asexuality means "not wanting sex", which is simply not always the case & lacking sexual attraction isn't even explained as why many asexuals don't want sex.

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Notte stellata

When I discovered AVEN and read about other people who also didn't want sex, it was like someone else had written down what was in my brain. I have noticed as my small children are getting older and I'm heading on towards 30, that I do have a higher sex drive. But that hasn't changed the fact that I don't want or care for sex. I like that having sex with my husband scratches the itch of my sexual desire, so to speak. But if I weren't married, there's no way I'd be seeking out sex with someone else. And sex is only enjoyable to me in as much as I get physical pleasure from it. There's no connection or special fuzzy warm feelings, no desire for the other person (which is tricky, since I'm married, but thankfully my husband has come to understand).

So yeah, I might suggest to my husband that we have sex. And it might be because I know he wants it. Or because I'm experiencing a physical desire for sex (that I could take care of by myself but I don't b/c of reason number 1). But I will never "jump his bones" because I just want him so bad...the concept of wanting someone (sexually) is so foreign to me that I don't even understand it.

That sounds quite like me...I like having sex with my boyfriend, but it's always him initiating it. I don't get the feeling of "wanting him so bad" either. I'm almost never turned on by just cuddling, kissing, or thinking of sex with him. But I do experience the emotional aspect of sex as well as physical pleasure. When we have sex, I feel we're very close and intimate. I'm not sure if this is the "special fuzzy warm feelings".

I currently identify as gray/demisexual, but as I read more on AVEN, I started to wonder if I'm actually an asexual who can enjoy sex. Honestly, when I'm willing to have sex, I don't know if it's sexual attraction, sexual desire, or both, or neither...Sexuality can be confusing, but also fascinating. :lol:

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