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Asexual Parents Thread


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@ Mercurial -- Thanks for your post. :) I'll be trying to find a way to discuss this with my son, because I really do want him to know about asexuality if asexual is what he is. He goes to school in a different state, though, so I don't get to see him much, and it definitely isn't something I'd want to try to discuss over Skype! ^_^ I'll probably wait until sometime this summer, before he leaves for grad school. Thanks, again! :)

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  • 3 weeks later...

I think this is really necessary as visibility on AVEN for another segment of asexuals that will be more important in the future. It's also educational for AVEN members that being asexual does NOT automatically mean that you don't want kids.

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I'm glad I've found this thread :) I'm also one of those asexuals who want to have children someday. (Although I have the feeling that I might be demisexual. I'm still figuring this out.) I felt a bit weird because I had the feeling that there were not many people like me in that sense. But it seems I was wrong and I'm glad about it :P I hope to find the right person, hopefully we could reach an agreement about the subject.

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The Not So Impossible Girl

By default, my parents expect me to have kids because my brother and sister both express no interest. Lately my mom has gotten a little anxious about my asexuality and I think it's because she thinks it means I don't want kids, ergo no grandchildren. This isn't really true. I have no objection to raising children. I'd love to as long as I had help. It's just that it's like a business plan to them. I MUST have one son and name him Thomas. Meh. If that is so, I'm also having a daughter named Perry so they can be "Tom and Perry"

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Hi all. I'm new to AVEN and generally checking into threads that relate to me. I'm a parent who is asexual, though I'm only just in the last few months learning that that's what I am (as opposed to frigid, emotionally unavailable, a tease, etc...) There's always going to be this utilitarian past with me (i had sex in order to have a baby, period) that feels kind of squicky. On the other hand, there's nothing I would do differently, because I love my son more than anything on Earth...

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Wow this is amazing, finding ppl to talk about and that understands you. My name is Daniela, Im 24 and I have a beautiful 3years old daughter :) recently I was on ace-book when a guy started to writing to me saying that he wanted to know more about me so I said my name and everything and that I have a daughter and he answered me this: "you have a daughter? Then you are not asexual! Please dont make me wast my time" :/ I was mad at the begining but then I didnt care. Yesterday I was on a asexuality group and I mentioned that Im s mother and a girl told me "are you sure you are asexual? Maybe you have some something more like a trauma for being mother so young" ... I must to say that Im completely sure of who I am but have you ever feel that sort of discrimination inside of asexual community? Lots of hugs ppl :)

I totally understand how you feel. I felt very apprehensive about "coming out" so to speak because of being a mother and my past sexual experience. I too feel very firm about who I am and am fearful about joining acebook even though I long for partnership. Thanks for the post. :D

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Hiya- new to the site. This thread has been pretty long so I've been doing my best to read and skim to catch up. I'm early thirties with one 4 year old daughter. My partner (we're married, but I don't like the term "husband". It's our legal state but eh..) is sexual, but just barely, I suppose. He said he could sort of take it or leave it and supports that I've discovered my asexuality. We don't plan on having anymore children. I feel very affectionate toward her and love her a lot, but we've decided we're not really 'kid people' and are happy to keep our family just the way it is.

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Wow this is amazing, finding ppl to talk about and that understands you. My name is Daniela, Im 24 and I have a beautiful 3years old daughter :) recently I was on ace-book when a guy started to writing to me saying that he wanted to know more about me so I said my name and everything and that I have a daughter and he answered me this: "you have a daughter? Then you are not asexual! Please dont make me wast my time" :/ I was mad at the begining but then I didnt care. Yesterday I was on a asexuality group and I mentioned that Im s mother and a girl told me "are you sure you are asexual? Maybe you have some something more like a trauma for being mother so young" ... I must to say that Im completely sure of who I am but have you ever feel that sort of discrimination inside of asexual community? Lots of hugs ppl :)

I was actually worried that being married and having a daughter would mean people (in the asexual community or out) would never believe I was asexual, like you were relating experiencing. I mean, I even had a hard time with it too. I haven't been around enough yet to see if I will encounter it yet, but I have hope for acceptance <3 If nothing else, at least there will be a sticky post here. XD

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The Not So Impossible Girl

Wow this is amazing, finding ppl to talk about and that understands you. My name is Daniela, Im 24 and I have a beautiful 3years old daughter :) recently I was on ace-book when a guy started to writing to me saying that he wanted to know more about me so I said my name and everything and that I have a daughter and he answered me this: "you have a daughter? Then you are not asexual! Please dont make me wast my time" :/ I was mad at the begining but then I didnt care. Yesterday I was on a asexuality group and I mentioned that Im s mother and a girl told me "are you sure you are asexual? Maybe you have some something more like a trauma for being mother so young" ... I must to say that Im completely sure of who I am but have you ever feel that sort of discrimination inside of asexual community? Lots of hugs ppl :)

I was actually worried that being married and having a daughter would mean people (in the asexual community or out) would never believe I was asexual, like you were relating experiencing. I mean, I even had a hard time with it too. I haven't been around enough yet to see if I will encounter it yet, but I have hope for acceptance <3 If nothing else, at least there will be a sticky post here. XD

No way everybody! Raising children has almost nothing to do with sexual attraction. My parents conceived using a medical procedure; no sex involved whatsoever.

Gosh! I think people need to learn that children are so much more sacred and meaningful than the 3 milliseconds it takes for a sperm and egg to become an embryo... Ideally, raising a kid shows the world how devoted you can be to another human being, not how sex crazed you are! Am I the only 19 year old who understands this???

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I'm asexual, and a mother, and grandmother, I've also been married for 40 years this year. I've explained circumstances in other threads, so I'll not repeat myself. Basically though, if I'd never had sex in my whole life I wouldn't have missed it, but, needs must as they say. And I wanted children, and a family more than I didn't want to be touched, or kissed, or anything else for that matter. So, weighing up the options, I opted to play along, and get married to the second boyfriend I had, because he was happy to wait till we married for sex, (it was a good excuse in those days) so, I knew I'd have no expectations, and a couple of years to get my head around the idea.

Bear in mind, I had no idea that there was any such thing as asexuality, I just thought I was odd, or there was something wrong with me.

I wouldn't have missed raising my children for the world. :)

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Okay, so I have a kid question. o.o I never wanted to strictly gender my kid so we just treated her as a kid. She didn't have only pink toys or only dresses. A little of all, you know? When she started to get an interest in superheroes, we were supportive with comic books and cartoons. The thing is, as many of you no doubt know, there isn't much of a female presence in superhero collections, even when there should be (e.g., kid Avengers merchandise leaving out Black Widow.) So my lack of messages about boys and girls being different started to get filled with the comics and cartoon messages about boys and girls. I could tell she was becoming aware of it even though she was very young. Very early four years old she came to me and asked me if she could grow a penis when she grew up. I asked her why and she told me she would never be able to grow up and become Ironman if she was a girl.

Since then I have tried to combat her messages by amping up the female presence and point out how great the (very few) female superheroes were. I watch shows with her and talk about things I see that I don't agree with and then guide her to shows I feel do a better job with equality. We bought her age appropriate comics like Fiona and Cake, Princeless, and a Wonder Woman book by Gail Simone. I go even more out of my way to emphasize strong female images.

I would have no problem if she decides she identifies in a more masculine way or if she does end up growing up and realising she's a man and she wants a penis. Fine with me- but I don't want her trying to identify as male because she feels that there's something wrong with, or limiting about, being female. It's that age-old issue of trying to help show our girls that there's nothing wrong with being a girl. Has anyone experienced something like this? Is it the right thing to just try to demonstrate a female presence within her interests or is there something more you would be doing if it were your situation?

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Okay, so I have a kid question. o.o I never wanted to strictly gender my kid so we just treated her as a kid. She didn't have only pink toys or only dresses. A little of all, you know? When she started to get an interest in superheroes, we were supportive with comic books and cartoons. The thing is, as many of you no doubt know, there isn't much of a female presence in superhero collections, even when there should be (e.g., kid Avengers merchandise leaving out Black Widow.) So my lack of messages about boys and girls being different started to get filled with the comics and cartoon messages about boys and girls. I could tell she was becoming aware of it even though she was very young. Very early four years old she came to me and asked me if she could grow a penis when she grew up. I asked her why and she told me she would never be able to grow up and become Ironman if she was a girl.

Since then I have tried to combat her messages by amping up the female presence and point out how great the (very few) female superheroes were. I watch shows with her and talk about things I see that I don't agree with and then guide her to shows I feel do a better job with equality. We bought her age appropriate comics like Fiona and Cake, Princeless, and a Wonder Woman book by Gail Simone. I go even more out of my way to emphasize strong female images.

I would have no problem if she decides she identifies in a more masculine way or if she does end up growing up and realising she's a man and she wants a penis. Fine with me- but I don't want her trying to identify as male because she feels that there's something wrong with, or limiting about, being female. It's that age-old issue of trying to help show our girls that there's nothing wrong with being a girl. Has anyone experienced something like this? Is it the right thing to just try to demonstrate a female presence within her interests or is there something more you would be doing if it were your situation?

She's still quite young, and you sound like you are doing all the right things. My daughter bought my granddaughter a garage and cars and trains when she was younger, as well as the usual dolls etc. even so, she's still into princesses, pink and girly things.

Some children at her age want to be a dog, or a pony. I think my 4 yr old grandson would be a Skylander, or dinosaur is he had the choice. She'll find her own way as she grows older, wanting to be Ironman, doesn't mean she wants to be a boy per se, she wants to be a superhero. :)

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Of course I told her she could be Ironman anyway. Ironman isn't about a gender, it's about a suit. Pssh. <3 The kids in the neighborhood around us are in their real 'gender police' phase. She started catching a lot of flack for the short haircut she wanted. She cried a couple times and told me she couldn't be a girl anymore because the neighborhood girls said she had short hair like a boy. She said she liked her hair that way, but that the girls "wouldn't let her be a girl too." The whole phase was pretty confusing for her. Luckily the mom of one of the girls was mega supportive and it was sorted out.

As she ages though (she's nearly five now) she's started to get into princessy things like her peer group is. I'm not at all complaining- my childlife was one fantastic mystical "play pretend" after another. Although our "princess culture" in the 80s (holla! XD) wasn't at all as commercialized as Disney princess culture is now, I had nothing but positive experiences as a young girl with fairies, magic, and mermaids. I really wanted that to be a part of her life too so I'm excited about her exposure to all kinds of play. Of course, I'm just like any other parent in that I care about the messages that come attached with kid entertainment and I never want her to feel limited by the expectations for her gender. I think it was just the frequency to which she was upset about or requesting to switch genders implied, to me, that she WAS feeling limited. It kinda wasn't the once, it has been fairly frequently over the past year.

I have no idea what a Skylander is, but trains are pretty awesome <3 I hear what you're saying and I do realise that there is largely an aspect of this that is kids being young with limited language trying to understand and communicate about complex ideas. I'd just hate to think she might be getting the message that to be who or what she wants to be in life, she can't do it as a girl. What a sad message for a four year old to already be contemplating!

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NoRainNoRainbows

I'm so glad I found this thread! I have just realised there is a name for how I feel, and while it's a relief that there are others who feel like me I am now scared of telling my partner. I think he's been waiting for a long time (5yrs) for my libido to pick up... It's not going to, I have no interest and have only ever had sex to make my partner happy but would really, really rather not. We don't have sex anymore but I know it hurts him that I don't want to but it's not because I don't love him I just don't like sex :/ It really is destroying our relationship but neither of us can walk away because of our kids. How do I tell him?? Ugh! I have 2 children, both boys 2yrs and 4yrs old.

I am sick of feeling so weird. I also just left my job last week due to sexual harassment and that really bought to a head in my mind that I really don't view these encounters like other people do. I just feel ick. Apparently it should be a complement :/

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Uh, no. Sexual harassment should -never- be considered a compliment. Don't question yourself. If you don't like it, it's wrong and don't let anyone else tell you otherwise! The workplace is no place for sexuality to be knocking about and that goes for sexual people as well. Don't second guess your gut instinct! <3 <3

But also, welcome! It's so nice for me to know other people who have kids and a partner too and have something to relate on <3 I hope it ends up being so for you too. I don't think this board is super busy but it's nice they have one at all! <3 <3

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I have two sons, both now grown up. I think about 15/16 is an acceptable age for kids to start dating. My eldest son was about that age when he started going out with his first girlfriend. Maybe that's considered a bit late by some? I am quite old fashioned.

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I'm ace but I want my own kids. May be from technology, but not sure if I want to deprive my child of a father

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Oh! I'm glad to find this feed.

Oh! I'm glad to find this feed.

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I skimmed through this thread looking for Ace Fathers and only saw two or three. I'm interested to know whether you found out you were asexual before or after having kids. Also about how easy/difficult it was to have the necessary sexual activity to conceive.

I'm nearly 35 and have only known I was asexual for about 18 months, even though I'd suspected it for a few years before plucking up the courage to research and confirm it. I thought that if I found the right girl it would all fall into place, but I've never found a girl at all, let alone the right one. I'd love to be a Father, but not sure if I'm capable of being in the required relationship in order to be one. How did the other Fathers here at AVEN meet their children's mother?

Thanks.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Ace parent here! Nice to meet you :) I have 3 children, two of them are teenagers now. They are both coming into their sexuality as I'm discovering my asexuality. It's been difficult for me to answer their questions regarding sex/relationships when I haven't had much experience to draw advice from. I've been so busy being a full-time single mom for well over a decade now that I really haven't had any time to consider this. I knew the time would come eventually when I would have to explain how sex/relationships work, I just didn't realize it would come so quickly! Everyday life seems so much more sexualized nowadays than when I was a teen. There is more pressure to become a sexual being before one is even knowledgeable, let alone ready! How do I protect them from being taken advantage of by someone who has been desensitized by it?

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Hi mummies. I hope this isn't too personal a question but did any of you breastfeed your children and if so, how did you find it?

I have a four month old son and throughout my pregnancy, I was adamant I wanted to breastfeed - the midwives drill it into you as much as they can. However, when he was born, we just couldn't get it going. I was so tense with it, it really freaked me out; I hate being touched there but I'd genuinely hoped I could overcome it. I couldn't - I ended up having to bottle feed and I felt like such a failure.

I just wondered if anyone else had the same problem.

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Hi, I'm 27 and have a daughter who just turned 6. I'm also married and currently pregnant. I did breastfeed my daughter and while the idea of breastfeeding is really uncomfortable to me, I was able to do it for the first few months without much problem. It really was overstimulating but I was mostly able to separate it in my head and focus on her comfort and watching her fall asleep and that helped.

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Hiya- new to the site. This thread has been pretty long so I've been doing my best to read and skim to catch up. I'm early thirties with one 4 year old daughter. My partner (we're married, but I don't like the term "husband". It's our legal state but eh..) is sexual, but just barely, I suppose. He said he could sort of take it or leave it and supports that I've discovered my asexuality. We don't plan on having anymore children. I feel very affectionate toward her and love her a lot, but we've decided we're not really 'kid people' and are happy to keep our family just the way it is.

Hey, it sounds like we might have a lot to talk about! I'm 27 and married with a 6 yr old daughter and a 5 yr old stepdaughter, and I'm also 7 wks pregnant. Trying to conceive was really, really stressful and a bit of a miracle. We had sex once during the last cycle (in mid Feb) and haven't since. My husband is wonderful but very sexual and I feel like a terrible partner sometimes. I think I've been in denial a long time bc I wanted partnership and kids and love and affection and was convinced those would not be possible without giving in to having sex. I feel like I have to respect myself and not force myself into anything, but at the same time I have made a commitment to him and our children and feel obligated to do everything I can to hold things together. I'm sorry to go on, I've never had a place to talk about this before.

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Hi y'all asexy parents :wub:

I'd like your opinion on this thread (though it's just a summary and I can explain more in details what I talked about), to see what I can improve if I ever get to discuss this again (which is likely).

thanks :cake:

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Hi all. I'm new to AVEN and generally checking into threads that relate to me. I'm a parent who is asexual, though I'm only just in the last few months learning that that's what I am (as opposed to frigid, emotionally unavailable, a tease, etc...) There's always going to be this utilitarian past with me (i had sex in order to have a baby, period) that feels kind of squicky. On the other hand, there's nothing I would do differently, because I love my son more than anything on Earth...

I know exactly how you feel. It's like the second someone's confronted with asexuality they look at you like you've just grown a second head. "What you don't like having sex at all? Have you been to the doctor to make sure there's nothing wrong with you?"

I've been called frigid and a freak, a lesbian and loads of other names just because I'm not interested in anything like that.

I don't think they could've been any more surprised when I met my ex and had a baby, but the fact is that I quite liked spending time with him and I wanted a baby. I was also sick of being looked at like I was a freak so tried doing the "normal" thing for a while. Didn't stick with it, didn't feel right, but I've got the most gorgeous little boy from it all so there's absolutely nothing I would change about my history.

Main thing now is being a mum to my naughty two year old ^_^

Speaking of, does anyone here have any tips on potty training? My kiddie can manage to tell me when he's going to the toilet, but he's doing it when he's got his nappy or potty training pants on so he just ends up going in them and not on the toilet. I've sat him down on there after meals etc to see if he'll go, but it's just not coming together.

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  • 2 weeks later...
Little sister

I really like this thread! I'm a married mother, my children are 9 and 11. I didn't always want to become a mom, but as I was about 22, it became a real NEED for me. I wanted a child, period. The second one was more a "she needs a sister or a brother"-thing. Being an asexual parent doesn't affect many things, but at least I'm not pressuring or making stupid innuendos what comes to the opposite gender. Oh, how much I hated my mom and some other relatives doing that!!!

I loved being pregnant, because I'm somewhat interested in bodily awareness - if that's the right word here. I like to be aware of my body, I like being touched except in genitals (yuck!!) and I loved my new form as I was pregnant. I was breastfeeding, but had lots of trouble with it physically, so I only liked it because I was away from home a lot, and in my country it's quite ok to breastfeed in all the places.

My children are brilliant. I love them. I wonder, if I'd love them in any case. Now it's easy, because they are intelligent, they like doing crafts and appreciate arts, historical things, etc. My daughter has some charm or charisma, everyone likes her. The younger one, my son, is kind and empathic, I feel sometimes closer to him because of that.

I have some same problems as some of the above. My marriage... There's a problem with his sexuality and my asexuality. He knows and believes that I'm an ace, BUT... He still wishes my libido would arise. "Maybe there would be something...". But there isn't. I think it's wrong to both of us to carry on forever. He's not "getting enough" ever, and I have to do things against my identity to please him (not very often, but I'd rather do it NEVER). If there wasn't any other problems, maybe we could settle for, but yeah, there are some severe other problems too....... :(

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anthrogirl80

I'm so glad there is a thread about parenting here!

I'm 33 and a single Mum. I had my daughter at 19. Her father left the moment I found out I was pregnant. Which was fine. I don't (and never had) any real emotions regarding him or his departure.

I had some counselling in my mid 20s and after many many months my counsellor suggested I might be asexual.

I researched it and it made sense. So now, 8-9 years later, I accept my asexuality as an innate part of myself. I don't question it. I don't attribute it to any traumatic event or anything.

My daughter was unplanned. But I wouldn't give her up for anything.

And through that experience I also came to a new understanding of myself. It was sort of freeing in a way. I can essentially say I've done the whole procreation thing...so my bit is done. I don't need to be with someone again if I don't want to etc. Flawed thinking? Perhaps. Oh well.

So I've been on my own now for 14 years. And I was on my own and uninterested for 19 years before I had my daughter.

At this point I am very sure of my own asexuality.

But I find others assume that my daughters father has traumatised me in some way...or they assume that I just haven't found the right guy...or that I'm just scared etc. Guys in particular don't understand and have gotten very angry at me when I have been forced to disclose my sexuality (usually because they don't take my more subtle hints to leave me alone or keep things clean).

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi all :-) A question for any parents of older children - how did you approach sexuality/puberty conversations with your children, what helped and what didn't? I had kind of a confronting thing happen this morning and found that my 10 year old is masturbating (not just playing with himself like at younger ages). I'm not squeamish about that in particular, and not value judging about something that most people do, I just don't quite know how to discuss sexual feelings and pleasure with a child. Or whether I even need to discuss it. Any thoughts welcome!

Also curious if/when you spoke to your kids or mentioned the concept of asexuality. Certainly none of the books that I've seen talking about development for children mentions it - they all presume hetero or homosexual.

Thanks :-)

Regarding feeding - I did breastfeed my children but personally didn't have an issue with it since it was very much non-sexual contact. My little boy fed for a little over a year and my little girl did for about 4 (obviously not often or publically by then, but the occasional night feed.) In the end, though, you make the right decision for you and your baby. Obviously I'm a big advocate for breastfeeding, but as long as you're nurturing and feeding your child you're doing the right thing and there's no need to feel guilty.

Ephie - I can't for the life of me figure out this quoting thing, so I'll just mention you by name and hope you see it :-)

My little guy was 4 before he toilet trained. He was certainly physically ready before that, but I wasn't really pushing it. One day he just said 'mum, tomorrow I don't' wear nappies anymore' and he didn't. I think he had two or three accidents in the first week and then he was over it. My daughter was earlier and took a little longer, but I think the key is for them to be ready and wanting to do it. She was also really reward-motivated. She earned a smartie/M&M for her and for her brother every time she used the toilet, and I think she was completely out of nappies within a week or two. It helps if they understand that all the big kids and adults around them use the toilet, they'll want to fit in and grow up.

Good luck :-)

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Oops. I did not scroll through. Ignore this. I need to keep reading and not be so post-happy.

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Love this thread!!

Chook - I also don't know how to quote, lol. I'll tell you what happened to me the other day re: sex ed. We live on a farm. My kids are 6 and 8. They come to me crying because the donkey is going to die, oh gawd...come quick mommy!!!!

Two words: donkey penis. He is young and one of the mares just came into heat. So...we talked about how a boy thing puts his penis into a girl thing's vagina and this is part of how a baby is made. I think they were horrified. I expected to be asked it if hurt, but they didn't. I was going to say that most of the time people and animal seem to enjoy it. But, it never came up.

Lol. I feel for you. I don't want my kids to be repressed, but how to approach this conversation without going all clinical is my problem. I don't enjoy sex so I can't really talk about it beyond how a doctor or professor does, lol.

Breast feeding - nope, nope, nope. Not because of the asexual thing, it did not feel any more sexual that birth did, but it hurt me. A lot. I tried, I did. The boobie-police at the hospital scared me to death with my first about the dangers of formula. By the time the second came, I was like...where is the dam formula bottle? These boobie are staying put up. I wanted to breast feed, honestly but just couldn't.

Potty training...oh so glad we are past that. My oldest was easy. She just didn't like being dirty. The youngest was a bit more of a challenge. She would defiantly poop in her pants, like tell you that was her intention and no potty chair. Her grandparents were watching her one day when she did this to Grammie. We'll Grammie popped her into the tub and pulled off the poopy panties and set them beside her. She made her sit beside her own poo for about 5min. After that, she never pooped in her pants on purpose again. I cannot really advocate that method, but it worked.

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