Asexual Parents Thread

[The Great WTF]

I've merged the similar topic "Asexual Fathers" with this one.

[VDaniel2]

Hi all, maybe I can contribute something positive from time to time. I raised two kids to adulthood (although I cannot lie, their mother did most of the work). Aspiecat, I'm certainly old enough to be the grandparent you mentioned in an earlier post but I'm not one yet although that MAY be changing later this year depending on what the prospective parents decide.

We let our two "date" starting about the age of your son as long as the activities were chaperoned. And of course at that age they were dependent on us for transportation at that age. Just wait until they can legally drive a car!

Your comment about all your friends being sure he's gay resonates with me. (Of course if he is, so what?) Many people thought the same about me. After all, the notion that someone wouldn't be sexually attracted to anyone was/is unfathomable to the vast majority. True story, though. One of my best friends in the late 1960s asked me if I was asexual. I denied it because I didn't understand myself that well back then, but it has amazed me to this very day that he even could conceive of such a thing, especially during those times.

Asexuality is a rare orientation, slightly above 1% prevalence. The fact that your son is showing some asexual traits is very interesting to me. I have only recently identified my own sexual orientation. I have also noticed my son (early 20's) shows asexual characteristics. Two cases do not make a scientific fact; it would be interesting to find out whether there is a genetic component or a "nurture" component at play. The answer is probably "yes" to both components, and it would not make a big difference in anybody's life, but would help in understanding how fluid human sexuality is.

Identifying my sexual orientation at my age has not been a big issue, it has been more like "oh, that is what it is called?" and finding a community with shared interests. I have noticed that for some young members, finding their asexuality seems to have been more emotionally charged than it was for me. I am concerned about my son struggling to sort his sexual orientation. How does one have "the a/sex talk" with a young man?

To young members, specially male, what would you have liked the role of your parents had been in your coming to terms with your sexual orientation?

[Lintu]

Are there any fathers in the forum? If so, would they want to share their experience?

* Was your partner ace too?

* Any challenges with conception?

* Do you have more than one child?

* Do you see asexual traits in your child?

* Have you come out to your child(ren)?, and if so how old were they when you did, and how did they receive your asexuality?

I know there are a couple of fathers around here, I'm just not sure if they ever come 'round this thread.

[VDaniel2]

How about this as a topic:

How important do you think it is to tell your kids you're asexual? Is it like letting them know that they have two dads because you're gay? Or is it just insignificant?

What happens in the parents bedroom is none of the children's business.

(a)sexuality is a very personnal matter. As long as it isn't an obvious source of conflict between, the children hasen't any need to know.

I know that visibility is a necessity, but we never discuss sex at home, athough our children are adults (20 and 23) and still living at home. Coming out to them would only increase the gap between the generations.

I disagree. We each our children much by example. If you and your partner had separate rooms, or did not shared non-sexual contact (like kissing, holding hands, etc), your sons know that you are not like the rest. Your sons could probably picked other signals in your relation and know, at some level, of your orientation. By not discussing one's orientation one is missing a chance to teach another lesson on tolerance and diversity. The question is how to have "the talk", especially if your sons' sexual orientations are not main-stream.

[VDaniel2]

Are there any fathers in the forum? If so, would they want to share their experience?

* Was your partner ace too?

* Any challenges with conception?

* Do you have more than one child?

* Do you see asexual traits in your child?

* Have you come out to your child(ren)?, and if so how old were they when you did, and how did they receive your asexuality?

I know there are a couple of fathers around here, I'm just not sure if they ever come 'round this thread.

But everybody has a father, so I can also add:

* If you are a young member, what would you want your father's role had been in your coming to terms with your orientation?

* Is either of your parents asexual? Do they show asexual traits, like having separate rooms, not displaying secondary sexual behavior (kissing, caressing, ...), etc. ?

[Lintu]

Are there any fathers in the forum? If so, would they want to share their experience?

* Was your partner ace too?

* Any challenges with conception?

* Do you have more than one child?

* Do you see asexual traits in your child?

* Have you come out to your child(ren)?, and if so how old were they when you did, and how did they receive your asexuality?

I know there are a couple of fathers around here, I'm just not sure if they ever come 'round this thread.

But everybody has a father, so I can also add:

* If you are a young member, what would you want your father's role had been in your coming to terms with your orientation?

* Is either of your parents asexual? Do they show asexual traits, like having separate rooms, not displaying secondary sexual behavior (kissing, caressing, ...), etc. ?

I don't really know what my orientation is, and I don't talk about these things with either of my parents. I don't know if any of them is asexual because, well, like I said, these things don't come up. ever.

[Legatia]

I didn't read the whole thread, but I'll be joining the conversation! I'm a mother of two young children. Not sure what my orientation is yet.

[Aspiecat]

I didn't read the whole thread, but I'll be joining the conversation! I'm a mother of two young children. Not sure what my orientation is yet.

Great to 'see' you here, Legatia! There are a few of us here in AVEN who are parents - and there are mums and dads - and we like to think that we can support and help each other when the world seems to not quite understand us asexual parents. To be sure, there are those in AVEN who are puzzled as to how some aces are parents, so education is one function of this thread.

Tell us a little about yourself and your kiddos.

Aspie

[Sanguine&Melancholic]

Hi there! I'm a mum to a toddler and I'm asexual. The how was eleven years of trying to pass as "normal". I don't regret it but I am constantly surprised at how long it takes me to put clues together.

I don't know what I'll do when he gets older but I've always been very upfront, almost in your face, with whatever I may be/feel with my loved ones despite any attempt to tone myself down. I imagine he'll get a talk one day just like any child.

[Fitzwilliam]

How about this as a topic:

How important do you think it is to tell your kids you're asexual? Is it like letting them know that they have two dads because you're gay? Or is it just insignificant?

What happens in the parents bedroom is none of the children's business.

(a)sexuality is a very personnal matter. As long as it isn't an obvious source of conflict between, the children hasen't any need to know.

I know that visibility is a necessity, but we never discuss sex at home, athough our children are adults (20 and 23) and still living at home. Coming out to them would only increase the gap between the generations.

I disagree. We each our children much by example. If you and your partner had separate rooms, or did not shared non-sexual contact (like kissing, holding hands, etc), your sons know that you are not like the rest. Your sons could probably picked other signals in your relation and know, at some level, of your orientation. By not discussing one's orientation one is missing a chance to teach another lesson on tolerance and diversity. The question is how to have "the talk", especially if your sons' sexual orientations are not main-stream.

I don't know, I think I agree with Jon.

You might be surprised by how many sexual couples don't share a bedroom, and many just don't show much physical affection like that around others. Children aren't stupid, they'll be able to figure out what other couples are like and that you aren't necessarily what the normal is, it's not as though their parents are all they have to go by.

Lastly, I also don't really understand the importance of 'the talk'. I never had it and even if I wasn't asexual I don't know why I would have needed it. I'm not entirely sure what the average sex talk consists of but I'm assuming it's the same as what is taught in schools now. Like with Jon, we never discuss sex at home.

[Fenn78]

I just joined yesterday and was looking around and found this thread. I am also just learning about asexuality.

I am a father of 2 (a 14(almost 15)year old boy, and a 13(almost 14) year old girl). Niether have started dating yet and I am glad of that. My wife is the one mostly on top of that because I don't know how to talk about sex. My parents didn't realy talk to me about it, but they did not have too. I did not have my first girlfriend (now my wife) until after I graduated high school. Even when I asked a girl out in high school (and got shot down) I did not have a desire to have sex with her, I just wanted a relationship with her. So I don't know all of the desires that teenagers have other then what I have read/hear about. I don't know what advise I could give or be given that my wife hasn't already taken care of. But I am here.

(I am still a bit new at this so please exuse me if I am a little short or don't sound right. I am not sure what else to say.)

(I just found out about asexuality and believe that I am. At least for the most part. I do like sex when me and my wife do it. However I do not desire it to a point that I seek it out or need it. Usualy it is my wife complaining about not getting it or her initiating it for us to do it.)

[rh1985]

I am not a parent yet, but I've decided to go ahead and try to conceive a child via IVF with donor sperm next year - hopefully will have a 2014 baby if it works within 1-2 tries! (although this is somewhat dependent on my house search being successful - I live with my parents so will have to delay if I am unlucky with finding a house) Did anyone in this topic have their child from asssisted reproduction? If so, any advice for going through the process without a partner? I'll have my parents nearby for emotional support but I imagine they won't want to be there for every appointment and all (although my mother has agreed to come for the important ones like the consult).

[Aspiecat]

Welcome to the parents thread, everyone who has posted recently.

rh1985, it sounds interesting, deciding to go down the IVF route. Good luck with that - let us know what you find out and how it all goes.

Fenn, you were a young dad! Good on you for being such a dedicated partner and father. I hope you're finding out a lot of useful information here on AVEN.

Aspie

[rh1985]

Welcome to the parents thread, everyone who has posted recently.

rh1985, it sounds interesting, deciding to go down the IVF route. Good luck with that - let us know what you find out and how it all goes.

Fenn, you were a young dad! Good on you for being such a dedicated partner and father. I hope you're finding out a lot of useful information here on AVEN.

Aspie

My consult for the IVF is scheduled for September 25. I've decided not to move for now to save money; my parents are ok with me living here with the baby because it will be too hard for me to afford my own house and have a baby right now, and they understand that I really want to do the IVF while I'm under 30 and have a much higher chance of working the first time. It's a pretty big house, so we'll have our own space and they won't be tripping over baby things everywhere.

[Michelleashley77]

Hi! I was just wondering/ worrying about the fact that I don't really like to touch (hug and kiss) my kids tons- I do a little but M concerned its not the same as a sexual person. My son always seems to be dirty an it just grosses me out. I love him so dearly and feel ashamed to even think like this but wonder if anyone can relate or know if this will affect him growing up (he is 2 an my daughter is 10 months). My mom was more hands off and I sometimes wonder if that affected how I am today...

[Aspiecat]

Hi Michelle,

Good to see you here in the Parents' Thread.

Re the "touchy-feely" aspect of parenting, many asexual parents feel the way you do - I certainly do! But I cuddle my son and even just lightly touch his shoulder or arm in passing, to let him know that touch is okay (DS is also not into being touched really). I wasn't touched lovingly at all growing up and really dislike it now, but I don't want my son to think that is the norm, as most people he will meet will expect touch. If he can get comfortable to a certain extent with it, and realise that a future partner may well want touch and be able to handle it for that person's sake, then that is great.

It is very hard watching other mums being very cuddly with their kids. To this day I am told I am too cold towards my son - but usually by people who are judgemental and intolerant.

Two year olds do get grubby and if you have a hard time getting past a layer of grime to hug your son, you can always still touch him lovingly to let him know you love and care for him. Then you can give him a clean up and lots of wonderful cuddles then.

As asexual parents, we have to make sacrifices in more ways than most parents, and one of them is basically sucking up the fact we don't like touch, and we just go ahead and do it anyway, for the sake of our children's healthy development. I should add I hate grubby kiddies as well, and although my own son didn't really get into dirty things much as a baby and toddler, I totally understand your aversion.

Good luck!

[Michelleashley77]

Thanks so much for the response. I think I already do most of that but after reading it helps to put forth a little more effort! I'm glad I'm not the only one. Just kinda random but my sister auctually licks her one year olds mouth when she gets food on her face. I just can't imagine lol. Well back on a more serious note I will continue and improve the effort and your response was very much needed! Thanks!!!

[AlexB]

I'm a parent of a soon to be five year old. I never suspect that I was asexual until after I separated from my wife. obviously at this age, I can't have this kind of talk with him, as he won't be able to comprehend it. I'm sure sure I'll even bring up the subject ever unless he asks me, or if he experiences similar sexuality.

[AlexB]

I just joined yesterday and was looking around and found this thread. I am also just learning about asexuality.

I am a father of 2 (a 14(almost 15)year old boy, and a 13(almost 14) year old girl). Niether have started dating yet and I am glad of that. My wife is the one mostly on top of that because I don't know how to talk about sex. My parents didn't realy talk to me about it, but they did not have too. I did not have my first girlfriend (now my wife) until after I graduated high school. Even when I asked a girl out in high school (and got shot down) I did not have a desire to have sex with her, I just wanted a relationship with her. So I don't know all of the desires that teenagers have other then what I have read/hear about. I don't know what advise I could give or be given that my wife hasn't already taken care of. But I am here.

(I am still a bit new at this so please exuse me if I am a little short or don't sound right. I am not sure what else to say.)

(I just found out about asexuality and believe that I am. At least for the most part. I do like sex when me and my wife do it. However I do not desire it to a point that I seek it out or need it. Usualy it is my wife complaining about not getting it or her initiating it for us to do it.)

I never realized my sexuality until after I separated from my wife. I understand how you feel, my ex wife was the first woman I ever had sex with, I didn't like it, it was nothing like they said it was going to be. I figured it was her, that I wasn't sexually attracted to just her, after we separated I experimented a bit and figured out that I was just not into, oral sex or otherwise I was not into it. If you do come to the conclusion that you are indeed asexual, take it as a blessing.

[Gimmepanda]

Hi Ace parents!

I'm very new to admitting to and understanding my asexuality, and I was just wondering how you all came by your lovely children? I plan to be a mum someday- it's very important to me- more important than I ever realised until now. I cannot bear sex: although my partner of 3 years is sexual, we have never had sex succesfully.

I am concerned because IVF is expensive, and I worry that I will be rejected for adoption (partnered or not) because I have been in a psychiatric hospital for treatment... Isn't that something an adoption agency would look down on? Also, my partner doesn't seem keen on adoption- he says there are extra challenges to parenting adopted children... But he is just coming to terms with all this too, so he might change his mind in time.

So anyway, how did you all come to be parents?

[anamazonruns]

How about this as a topic:

How important do you think it is to tell your kids you're asexual? Is it like letting them know that they have two dads because you're gay? Or is it just insignificant?

My daughter is only seven so this isn't an issue for us yet, but I don't think I'll ever attach a big label to my feelings about sex. I reckon I'll be able to tell by the way she talks about boys or girls whether she is developing sexual feelings, and when the time comes, I plan to just tell her that sexuality comes (*snicker*) in many forms, and that what is important is that she be true to herself and respectful of herself and others.

[Aspiecat]

Hi Ace parents!

I'm very new to admitting to and understanding my asexuality, and I was just wondering how you all came by your lovely children? I plan to be a mum someday- it's very important to me- more important than I ever realised until now. I cannot bear sex: although my partner of 3 years is sexual, we have never had sex succesfully.

I am concerned because IVF is expensive, and I worry that I will be rejected for adoption (partnered or not) because I have been in a psychiatric hospital for treatment... Isn't that something an adoption agency would look down on? Also, my partner doesn't seem keen on adoption- he says there are extra challenges to parenting adopted children... But he is just coming to terms with all this too, so he might change his mind in time.

So anyway, how did you all come to be parents?

Always an interesting question to Aces with kids: how DID we get to be parents? After all, the theory is that we don't have sex so we cannot 'have' children. However, this, as with many things in life, is complicated and individual to each of us.

My own situation is not dissimilar to other Aces over the age of say 30. Asexuality was only something in biology, to do with plant life and what-not (LOL) so not enjoying sex was simply something we were told we'd "get over eventually", when we "met the right person". After all, doesn't EVERYONE enjoy sexual activity?!?

I not only didn't like sex, I didn't like the idea of it, nor being touched, right down to holding hands or cuddling - UGH. And quite separately to this (yes, I believe this is a totally separate issue), I did not want children. I was never maternal, I never believed I had to spend a great part of my life sacrificing who I was (I already did that as an unloved and unwanted child) just for a small person, and I never thought I could actually love a child. And to me, loving one's child is an imperative issue to me.

So I decided to not have any. Just as well I never fell in love with anyone, as that might have clouded the issue (I was naive, yes), but four months into a relationship that was clearly not very good for either of us, I fell pregnant while on the Pill. I knew I couldn't terminate this child, and so kept going with the pregnancy, moving into my partner's house as I had no friends nor family to guide me or help me in any way.

I had my son and to this day I do not regret having him. We both almost died shortly after he was born for a variety of reasons, and we didn't bond for a few months. I had post-partum psychosis, and the two of us were hospitalised for seven weeks while I got therapy for my deep depression. Since then, he has largely been the focus of my life and I wouldn't trade him for anything.

I still do not like children very much, and am quite intolerant when it comes to noise and mess where kids are concerned, however some are alright ROFL. My son is very like me - we both have Asperger's and it manifests itself similarly in both of us - and he isn't much into kids and kids' antics himself. I get a bit nervous when small children are in my house as I do not child-proof my house specifically for young children, and I hate it when their parents think it's okay to leave things in a mess for me to clear up after their brats have created chaos.

I am now in love with a marvellous man who also isn't really into kids but likes my son as they are both highly intelligent and have similar interests. My SO has never had children and does not want them - fine by me. I never intended to have one, so am not going to have another.

So, there you go. That is how I ended up being both asexual AND a parent.

[ThorHera]

i am a parent of one - daughter. I do think my asexuality tainted some parenting - as i didnt get/dont get the drive. Daug is a sexual creature to be sure. With having a sexual daughter i found the (her) whole attraction thing interesting, fascinating - as it was a constant thing w/her.

During her dating phase - ugh. Trying to hold back a freight train. Her drive for a male started at age 11. TOO early to start dating. I allowed group dating (parties, activities) until she was 13. Again, i didnt think she was mature enuf for dating. So, she could "date at home" - chaperoned. We ran into some REAL, Nasty trouble. She is very head-strong, as well as a strong drive to have a "man".

Holding a person back from dating until a later age (17/18) .... i have a lot to say on that. I had a g/f (who was also a neighbor) whose parents wouldnt allow her to date until she was 18. She too had a need/desire/want to have a boyfriend, to date. Despite the parental rules, she went behind their back. She hated doing it, cuz it was dishonest, encouraged lying. I was a co-conspirator w/her on that, as were her other g/f's. Her parents finally allowed her to date - openly at 17. Her dating experience was NOT that great. She married right after graduating from high school, it was a disaster, she suffered thru it for 11 yrs, divorced the guy.

Same thing with my kid. They are SO driven, they dont look at what they are dating (which i think is a great asset of being asexual), the ability to see w/o the lust/sex drive.

Anyw, back to the age thing. My daugh had a g/f whose family was very religious, very moral, etc. This family had 3 daug. The rule was no dating until 18, in part, the parents wanted the girls focused on academics. Problem w/that is.... wantg to date, wantg to be like their dating peers. Again, the dishonesty, all 3 dated behind the backs of the parents. The youngest, who was friends w/my daug, was very much like my daug - DRIVEN. Very hard for me to comprehend, being an asexual. Anyw, she was not ready to date imo, like my daugh - mentally/emotionally immature, but how can you hold them back?! The results w/this girl was that she got pregnant, dumped the kid on mom, left home immediately, became a prostitute or hooked up with a guy willing to support her (many there).

With my own daugh, as i said - she was a huge handful, i enlisted the help of "the village" - using every means i could to slow her down. HOURS & Hours of communication, talking .... ugh. Sometimes i was able to get thru to her, at other times, i was wasting my breath. She hated rules, hated being tied to them. She left home as soon as she turned 18, attending the school of hard knocks, for YEARS. It finally all sank in, after living a bit of life on her own & her first marriage, which ended in divorce 7 months later.

All i can say was, all my work gave me; a kid that graduated from high sch w/o becoming pregnant or a drug addict. She is a good kid - but that drive/need to have a man.... unbelievable. At 30 - she is doing good, now that she got what she wanted; a husb, dog, house, kid (my 1st grandkid - OH i love being a grandparent). My kid was one huge headache, not to mention, heartache.

[DkAngel74]

I know no one posted on here for awhile but maybe someone will read this. I have 3 teenagers and I resntly discovered Im asexual how do I explain it to them? I know they are not sexualy active and I encourge them to wait till after high school and have themselves established in life before they get that serous. I would like them to know about being asexual and that there nothing wrong with it.

[Aspiecat]

Hi Dkangel74,

The "how do I tell my child(ren)?" question rears its ugly head all the time when it comes to asexual people parenting. It is a touchy subject, and one not to be considered lightly, due to many reasons.

I myself have not told my son, who is 13, that I am asexual. I don't think my sexuality is his business, nor do I believe it's particularly necessary to tell him at this point as he is so not ready for dating - his decision as well as mine.

However, I have mentioned asexuality a couple of times when conversations between him and me drift towards relationships and expectations within them. So he knows there is such a thing as asexuality, just not that his mother counts that as her orientation. I have brought asexuality up as I suspect he might end up ace as well, and I want him to know early on that not feeling sexual attraction is perfectly fine. He is pretty much an advocate for marriage equality so it was easy for him to assimilate such information as the idea of some people being asexual.

Insofar as your children are concerned, it really depends on their age and maturity levels, as well as any urgency as to why you might need to inform them of your asexuality. If you are in a marriage/relationship with a sexual and the asexual/sexual "clash" is making things awkward or even hostile in the household, and if you think one or more of your children can handle the information, it might be an idea to tell them. Especially if you fear your partner might do so in a negative way.

If there is no problem in your home environment and you simply want them to know, consider their ability to understand and cope with the information, as well as if they in fact need to know at all. For girls especially, talking about relationships, dating, sex, etc. with their closest female role model (ie, usually the mother) is a very important thing, whether the daughter is straight, gay, bisexual, or even wonders if she might not be keen on dating and sex (ie, she might be ace herself). Carefully divulging that you are asexual might help a daughter - or a son, for that matter - to realise that NOT having sex early on is fine, or it might end up causing them to think, "Because Mum is asexual, she won't understand what I'm trying to tell her when it comes to relationships, so I don't feel I can talk to her about dating and sex" and you REALLY don't want that.

My advice? Wait until you believe they are mature enough to understand asexuality, and even let them read some of the Front Page information on AVEN with you. I stress WITH YOU. It's important that whatever they know of your orientation, they still feel safe and secure enough to come to you with any questions that they may have about their own sexuality. Being a teenager is enough of an emotional roller coaster without feeling the woman closest to them is someone they cannot approach. Of course, I am sure you have good communication with them already, but just be aware that divulging your asexuality to them is something that should be carefully considered.

Aspie x

[anchor31]

I am a parent. I have a 3-year-old son. I am married to a sexual man. I didn't know I was grey-A until yesterday! My husband is the only partner I ever had, and I always thought maybe it was just a phase, or that the sex would get better if we were closer emotionally, maybe it was a hormonal issue, heck, maybe he was just a bad lover. But after 10 years together, 4 married, and most sexual interaction are physically satisfying, I have to admit to myself that despite experiencing sexual attraction towards men, I am not interested in actually having sexual contact.

As far as parenting is concerned, I'm a huge kisser and cuddler so I enjoy that closeness with my son. However, I'm not comfortable with prolonged skin to skin contact, so breastfeeding was a nightmare for me. It was just too much. I get that breasts are meant to feed babies, but it's difficult, in a hypersexualized society, to not see them as sexual (for me anyway). I stopped at 4 months and finally bonded with my son. I would like to have another child and I'm planning on formula feeding.

I don't know if I'll be coming out to my children. I have yet to come out to my husband. However, I do plan on teaching my children to be open and tolerant towards sexual orientation and gender identity.

[Aspiecat]

Hi anchor,

It's not easy finding out that the reason we don't enjoy sexual activity (to whatever level; we're all individuals) is due to something that is a part of us and cannot be "fixed" by therapy or drugs. Those things would be so easy, tbh!

Coming out to one's partner is not an easy thing to do and I advise you to consider what you are going to say, and how you're going to say it. Also, timing is all-important. My husband (now ex!) was NOT accepting of it - still isn't. But perhaps your hubby will be, after the initial shock, open to talking about your asexuality and how he can help you come to grips with it all.

As for your child - your plans there seem pretty spot on. Most gay parents I know don't talk about being gay - they are simply Dad & Dad, or Mum & Mum, and that is the reality for their children. As with me - I have talked about asexuality with my son (who is 13), but only in passing as a concept. It's my business, not his, and so long as it doesn't hurt him in some way, then there is no need to talk about it specifically.

Good to see you here!

Aspie

[anchor31]

Thanks aspiecat!

Part of me wishes I could fix it, for the sake of my marriage, but part of me doesn't. "There's nothing wrong with not wanting sex, what's so special about it anyway?" that voice says, you know? TBH my marriage isn't so great to start with anyway. My husband has depression/anger issues he needs to work out but refuses to address and I've been begging him to see a doctor and/or therapist for half the time we've been married. We both want another child, but I need him to deal with his issues before we do, plus coming out as an A/Grey-A (I'm not sure yet)... It's going to hit the fan for sure. We'll see if our relationship survives it or not.

I asked for advice on coming out in the Partners boards. I had some pretty good advice. I plan on starting by reassuring him that I'm not going to tell him that I don't love him or that I want to divorce. I promised him 6 months ago that I would work on why I don't want to have sex, so I'll tell him I figured it out and I'm quite shocked by the answer myself.

[anchor31]

I just joined yesterday and was looking around and found this thread. I am also just learning about asexuality.

I am a father of 2 (a 14(almost 15)year old boy, and a 13(almost 14) year old girl). Niether have started dating yet and I am glad of that. My wife is the one mostly on top of that because I don't know how to talk about sex. My parents didn't realy talk to me about it, but they did not have too. I did not have my first girlfriend (now my wife) until after I graduated high school. Even when I asked a girl out in high school (and got shot down) I did not have a desire to have sex with her, I just wanted a relationship with her. So I don't know all of the desires that teenagers have other then what I have read/hear about. I don't know what advise I could give or be given that my wife hasn't already taken care of. But I am here.

(I am still a bit new at this so please exuse me if I am a little short or don't sound right. I am not sure what else to say.)

(I just found out about asexuality and believe that I am. At least for the most part. I do like sex when me and my wife do it. However I do not desire it to a point that I seek it out or need it. Usualy it is my wife complaining about not getting it or her initiating it for us to do it.)

I never realized my sexuality until after I separated from my wife. I understand how you feel, my ex wife was the first woman I ever had sex with, I didn't like it, it was nothing like they said it was going to be. I figured it was her, that I wasn't sexually attracted to just her, after we separated I experimented a bit and figured out that I was just not into, oral sex or otherwise I was not into it. If you do come to the conclusion that you are indeed asexual, take it as a blessing.

I can relate to both of you, AlexB and Fenn78. I also found out after being married. I would very much like to take it as a blessing eventually, but right now it's hard to, having to come out to my sexually frustrated husband.

[anchor31]

Oh, and here's a picture of my 3-year-old snugglebug. I realize I make my husband sound like a jerk, and he is sometimes, but he is a fantastic father and our son adores him.