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Aspiecat

Asexual Parents Thread

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Shaded

Losing clothes. Losing clothes!

How the hell does he lose a school rugby shirt (part of PE uniform) having never worn the thing?!?

If he doesn't find it by Friday, he's paying for a new one himself - it's over $60!

I feel you.

The pain for me is shoes and socks. How, can they walk around for 10 minutes and have suddenly lost a sock, and they don't know where? Or just leave shoes wherever whenever.

WHY?

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MindPool

Losing clothes. Losing clothes!

How the hell does he lose a school rugby shirt (part of PE uniform) having never worn the thing?!?

If he doesn't find it by Friday, he's paying for a new one himself - it's over $60!

I feel you.

The pain for me is shoes and socks. How, can they walk around for 10 minutes and have suddenly lost a sock, and they don't know where? Or just leave shoes wherever whenever.

WHY?

Awe kids are always losing their shoes and socks where I work at target.. maybe you should check there! Haha it's amazing what we find! Silly little buggers.

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Lintu

Losing clothes. Losing clothes!

How the hell does he lose a school rugby shirt (part of PE uniform) having never worn the thing?!?

If he doesn't find it by Friday, he's paying for a new one himself - it's over $60!

Sometimes you have to learn the hard way... :cake: I'm sorry.

When I was younger and was sent to summer camp I had labels on EVERY SINGLE thing I had (hat, sunscreen, shirt, even my sandwich if I had one!) just so I don't lose any of it... I did lose some things and got a nice beating for it but I'm sure your son can learn it the little-less-hard way. ;)

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Aspiecat

It's weird coz he hasn't even worn the thing yet! LOL So I don't think it's at school, unless he packed it in his bag and took it out somewhere....who the hell knows? It's labelled but having been a school parent for just over eight years, I can tell you now there are many parents who will tear or cut off name labels so their kid can be the new possessor of the item they nicked and brought home.

*sigh* Maybe I OUGHT to check in Target! LOL

On a different note, I am glad to report that Sam was bullied yesterday.

"WTF?!? You're GLAD?!?" I hear you all gasp. But thisis what happened: Sam texted me from the swimming tournament he was at yesterday that he'd been called names by a bigger kid from team who then threatened to "own" Sam (that apparently means to "destroy" in kid language?!?) if Sam told anyone. He was texting me at the time so I called the school, explained what happened and they called the swim coach who got other attending staff members involved. They told Sam he was right to inform an adult and that the boy in question would be punished. When I picked Sam up from school after they got back, the swim coach was clearly mortified and reiterated to me that bullying, while it happens, would NOT be tolerated and they would deal with this issue straight away.

Now the reason why I use the word 'glad' is because at previous schools, staff have either ignored the bullying towards Sam, or encouraged it (yes, that happens). This proactive approach, where the victim is reassured and the bully is punished, is alien to him but in a very welcome way.

You know, being a parent or guardian of children....it can be so heart-breaking at times. But at least this time there is that silver lining.

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Shaded

it's great that they dealt with it well, Aspie. I know that Violet has mentioned to me that the words 'faggot' and 'thats so gay' have been thrown around and the teachers allow it. Which is just terrible.

Anyways, I have a more recent picture of the kids (and I) that was a couple days ago when they were riding their bikes since the snow was gone ^.^ As you can probably tell, it was pretty cold.

418321_10150860269969126_564079125_12748551_460672156_n.jpg

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Lintu

it's great that they dealt with it well, Aspie. I know that Violet has mentioned to me that the words 'faggot' and 'thats so gay' have been thrown around and the teachers allow it. Which is just terrible.

Anyways, I have a more recent picture of the kids (and I) that was a couple days ago when they were riding their bikes since the snow was gone ^.^ As you can probably tell, it was pretty cold.

418321_10150860269969126_564079125_12748551_460672156_n.jpg

So terribly CUTE! :wub:

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MindPool

it's great that they dealt with it well, Aspie. I know that Violet has mentioned to me that the words 'faggot' and 'thats so gay' have been thrown around and the teachers allow it. Which is just terrible.

Anyways, I have a more recent picture of the kids (and I) that was a couple days ago when they were riding their bikes since the snow was gone ^.^ As you can probably tell, it was pretty cold.

418321_10150860269969126_564079125_12748551_460672156_n.jpg

So terribly CUTE! :wub:

Agreed <3

And look at the smile on Liam! ^_^

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Aspiecat

it's great that they dealt with it well, Aspie. I know that Violet has mentioned to me that the words 'faggot' and 'thats so gay' have been thrown around and the teachers allow it. Which is just terrible.

Anyways, I have a more recent picture of the kids (and I) that was a couple days ago when they were riding their bikes since the snow was gone ^.^ As you can probably tell, it was pretty cold.

418321_10150860269969126_564079125_12748551_460672156_n.jpg

What a beautiful photograph, Shaded! You and those kids are simply wonderful-looking. So rosy-cheeked. Wish I'd been there!

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MindPool

Ooh I agree Aspie! We should all (all the parents and aspiring parents) get together and bring all the kids and have a big picnic or get together or something! Oh gee.. I don't think I could handle that many people come to think of it.. but the idea of getting some of the kids together and watching over them while they play and being with some of my favorite avenites sounds nice.

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Shaded

What a beautiful photograph, Shaded! You and those kids are simply wonderful-looking. So rosy-cheeked. Wish I'd been there!

Thanks Aspie and Maya :blush:

Yeah, it's not the best picture of me but the kids look so great ^.^

Ooh I agree Aspie! We should all (all the parents and aspiring parents) get together and bring all the kids and have a big picnic or get together or something! Oh gee.. I don't think I could handle that many people come to think of it.. but the idea of getting some of the kids together and watching over them while they play and being with some of my favorite avenites sounds nice.

Agreed, that sounds like it would be a ton fun ^.^

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Lintu

Boogers. Boogers everywhere. Boogers.

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Aspiecat

Mind, an AVEN Kids' Day Out. Cool. Pity we're all so far apart! :(

Maya, I'd say there were colds in your house, hmmmm? LOL

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Lintu

Mind, an AVEN Kids' Day Out. Cool. Pity we're all so far apart! :(

Maya, I'd say there were colds in your house, hmmmm? LOL

Oh aspie, if only it was as simple as that... It's the spring allergy time! :(

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MindPool

Mind, an AVEN Kids' Day Out. Cool. Pity we're all so far apart! :(

Maya, I'd say there were colds in your house, hmmmm? LOL

I think it would be amazing. ;) And hey someday maybe, you never know. I'm a bit of a vagabond at heart and who knows where I'll end up in the future.

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Mimi-le-Roux

Omg... teething...*dies*

These top two seem to be giving him hell. :( So freaking tired.

Any insightful tips?

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Lintu

Omg... teething...*dies*

These top two seem to be giving him hell. :( So freaking tired.

Any insightful tips?

It's a bitch indeed! The best you can do is offer a cool teething thing to bite and give him something for the pain... If you have a teething gel, it works for a little while. Just don't dwell on trying to smear it over, just smear it on the pacifier. But all of this isn't going to truly help, unfortunately... Just gonna have to let it slide. It's usually a matter of just a few days until they're out and stop hurting! *hugs*

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Mimi-le-Roux

Thank you!

He's a bit better now. I found something called Teetha crystals - I think they're chamomile. I have no idea how they work but they're really good.

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Lintu

Thank you!

He's a bit better now. I found something called Teetha crystals - I think they're chamomile. I have no idea how they work but they're really good.

Never heard about it, but chamomile is definitely soothing for all kinds of stuff - chamomile tea is good for pretty much everything!

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Evenstar71

Hi Doppel and other readers of this post.

I am asexual. However, I am also a parent, and both these facts about me are equally important.

I have, over the years, frequented various parenting boards, some of which have been good, some of which should be put out of their misery. Occasionally, I would find myself wishing I had someone in these fora to whom to talk about how I felt about sex. On the odd occasion I *did* raise the topic of never having enjoyed sex, of not wanting to be touched, and so on, the responses were either "well, that's weird", or "oh, I know what you mean! I am so tired, too!" Naturally, neither was suitable.

There were a few of us, however, who really did not like sex, and although we had children, we were in a position that many parents at AVEN understand all too well: for whatever reason, we had a child, or children, but it's not as a result of enjoying sexual activity.

Whenever I tried to raise topics about being a parent who was asexual (although at the time I didn't have a label for how I felt), the others who felt similarly would warn me I would be shot down if I didn't delete the post, or at least refrain from raising the topic again.

So as an asexual parent, I have always felt out of kilter and on my own.

Until I came to AVEN. I joined later in 2010 but it wasn't the best time, so returned last month. And I have found other aces who are also parents! C'est bon! Certainement, c'est tres bon! This means that I can chat with other mums/dads within the safe confines of AVEN about my child and know that if the subject of my asexuality comes up - even indirectly - no-one will blink an eyelid.

There are other AVENites who support the need for a wee corner of the site where we can blather of about our kids without boring the majority of AVEN members who, for the most part, are young and haven't got children. Many of them have no intention of having kids and don't care for conversations about children. From toilet-training to high-school graduations, such subject matter will kill chat in milliseconds.

Being asexual and a parent are mutually exclusive, but they intertwine as well. While the fact my son suddenly - and unwillingly, I might add! - became a chick magnet in his first day at school after girls heard him sing is true, you might think it has nothing to do with my being ace. Well, that is true. However, if that was posted in a parenting sub-forum here in AVEN, I can guarantee that (a) other parents will respond with questions, comments and stories, and (b) somewhere along the way, the subject of asexuality will arise. For instance, my son's school is Catholic (the govt schools here are crap) and it's bad enough ds and I are Atheist, and ds is rather effeminate, but to add in the mix that mum is a different sexual orientation? Not that the school will know or NEEDS to know, but the less ammunition school bullies have, the better.

AVENites form close bonds very quickly within these virtual walls. For many, it's the only place they feel safe in a world that is highly sexual and does not suffer a lack of sexual behaviour gladly. As many gay people did in the past - and still do now - asexuals often put on a mask for the outside world, going through home life and working life pretending we are cool with it all. Then they go back to AVEN, even their bodies physically relaxing in the knowledge that while of course there are douche-bags everywhere, even in AVEN, there is total acceptance of being asexual.

Can you imagine what it's like, then to be a parent AND ace? The judgement that is made is incredible. We even get judged by some other aces, who scoff at the fact we even contemplated having children. I have been personally attacked but that was trolling and a different issue. Still, it reminded me that not all asexuals are going to understand my need to talk about my son, and to be frank, they'd much prefer it if I didn't.

However, we parents DO go on about our kids! We love them to bits! We WANT to talk about them, and we know that most other parents are going to smile and nod when we talk about first days at school, the Tooth Fairy, crap teachers, and the suchlike.

More importantly, there are a number of aces who want to have children in the future. They really have few places to go to for advice, as they are conflicted about being asexual - and therefore, by definition, disliking the method of conception - and yet wanting to love and raise a child or children. A parenting sub-forum would give these AVEN members the chance to bounce ideas off those of us who have children already, either by choice or not (and some did NOT choose).

I see an AVEN sub-forum - and, hopefully, for now a pinned thread - a place AVEN members can go to talk about parenting issues, to ask questions, to give advice and support, and to raise awareness of how many of us are both asexual and parents. There are even AVENites who are grandparents - imagine the experience and advice THEY have to offer!

Aspiecat

Thank you so much for your post. I too am a parent of 3 young girls (13, 11, and 7). I have always wanted to be a mom, since I was 5 years old. I didn't know there was an orientation for what I experienced - my aversion to sex, after I got married. I would cry in the bathroom and psyche myself up just to be able to go through with it. When my husband agreed to have children- it helped my mind over matter stance. It was a means to an end. A wonderful end.

Now my husband and I are separating after 16 years. I worry so much about this impact on my girls. I don't know what I will say, or how I will guide them through their own discovery of who they are as sexual people. I am scared to death. But at least now I am being true to myself- authentic. I feel so relieved, but grieved at the same time. I feel validated knowing that there are others like me. I don't have to keep trying to "Fix" myself. It is so hard not being understood, and it is still overwhelming and a little confusing to me, but at least I am not alone- even though I feel so alienated.

Thanks again.

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naomilawlietjr

I think being a (sexual) lover/spouse/SO and a parent are two separate things. You can be a wonderful mother without wanting, or even having sex. (But that's not to say that people with high sex drives can't be great parents either.)

I really don't get why people see it as an either-or dichotomy.

But as a repulsed ace, I think that when the time comes for me to be a mommy, I'll have to opt for adoption. Artificial insemination is NOT going to work, because I'm sort of leery about pregnancy. Take that with a grain of salt, though. I'm sixteen and have seen more than my fair share of documentaries about pregnancy for my favorite class (Biology :lol: )

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Lintu

I think being a (sexual) lover/spouse/SO and a parent are two separate things. You can be a wonderful mother without wanting, or even having sex. (But that's not to say that people with high sex drives can't be great parents either.)

I really don't get why people see it as an either-or dichotomy.

But as a repulsed ace, I think that when the time comes for me to be a mommy, I'll have to opt for adoption. Artificial insemination is NOT going to work, because I'm sort of leery about pregnancy. Take that with a grain of salt, though. I'm sixteen and have seen more than my fair share of documentaries about pregnancy for my favorite class (Biology :lol: )

It might seem so, but it really is different being an asexual parent. If only from the perspective of people who think being asexual=not having kids. I can't tell you how many times people (asexuals. here on AVEN) told me "so how do you have kids?"

Maybe not in the actual parenting bit, okay, I get that... if you're a good parent you're a good parent. But just like gay parents are considered "oddballs" to some people, us asexual parents get the same treatment at times.

By the way, being pregnant isn't easy, but it has its upsides too. :) (That's coming from me and I had a hard pregnancy, so put that in consideration!)

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Pacheco

I think that it´s weird that people really feel like being sexual or assexual will change how to raise a child. You don´t raise a child to be sexual or assexual, gay or straight or any other orientation. You raise a child with love, confidence, caring a discipline. Everything to make sure that your kid will be a secure, independent and happy adult.

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Lintu

I think that it´s weird that people really feel like being sexual or assexual will change how to raise a child. You don´t raise a child to be sexual or assexual, gay or straight or any other orientation. You raise a child with love, confidence, caring a discipline. Everything to make sure that your kid will be a secure, independent and happy adult.

The actual parenting is no different. But like I said on my previous post, and you may tell me I'm wrong all you want but that's truly what I believe, it's different on other aspects, especially the educational and the social ones. How do you explain kids that being gay is okay, but not that being asexual is okay? Because when kids are that young you don't normally want to mention sex and of course you don't want to start babbling their minds about sexual attraction vs. romantic attraction and all that jazz.

"Why does John have two daddies" gets a respectful answer of "it's okay to like boys if you're a boy, too" or something similar. While asexuality is probably less visible, the "liking" part is different. I wouldn't think you can call a heteroromantic asexual "straight". But you can't explain that to kids, can ya?

Socially, people do look at you differently. If you are out, that is. I've mentioned comments such as "how do you have kids if you're asexual?" and alike, which I've received not from the hetero/homosexual community but the asexual community here on AVEN. Being an asexual parent isn't that obvious to most people. Also, the thing I hear a lot about "I don't ever want kids, good thing I'm asexual" is completely senseless. Being asexual doesn't neutralize (did I spell that right?) your genitals or whatever. And you aren't immuned to, excuse me, rape.

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Pacheco

I think that it´s weird that people really feel like being sexual or assexual will change how to raise a child. You don´t raise a child to be sexual or assexual, gay or straight or any other orientation. You raise a child with love, confidence, caring a discipline. Everything to make sure that your kid will be a secure, independent and happy adult.

I wasn´t exactly talk about you... xD

I did understand what you said, and I agree in some aspects, especially when it comes to educate about orientation...

I was refering myself to some people who thinks that an ACE can´t be a parent be a parent.

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Pacheco

lol wrong reply! Whatever, I think it´s clear enough.

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Lintu

lol wrong reply! Whatever, I think it´s clear enough.

Oh yes, I get it now... Sorry for the misunderstanding! :cake:

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Hayley

Peeking in... I have an 18 month old. ^_^ I wasn't all that fond of kids before I had her, but now I love them. I see loads of little ones through my work now and love it, kids are constantly learning.

Here's me and her the other day. :)

img7412hq.jpg

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MindPool

Awe how cute is that? ^_^

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Zygote

Thank you so much for your post. I too am a parent of 3 young girls (13, 11, and 7). I have always wanted to be a mom, since I was 5 years old. I didn't know there was an orientation for what I experienced - my aversion to sex, after I got married. I would cry in the bathroom and psyche myself up just to be able to go through with it. When my husband agreed to have children- it helped my mind over matter stance. It was a means to an end. A wonderful end.

Now my husband and I are separating after 16 years. I worry so much about this impact on my girls. I don't know what I will say, or how I will guide them through their own discovery of who they are as sexual people. I am scared to death. But at least now I am being true to myself- authentic. I feel so relieved, but grieved at the same time. I feel validated knowing that there are others like me. I don't have to keep trying to "Fix" myself. It is so hard not being understood, and it is still overwhelming and a little confusing to me, but at least I am not alone- even though I feel so alienated.

Thanks again.

I can totally relate to the whole "crying in the bathroom, trying to psyche myself up for sex" thing. So glad that's over.

Welcome to Aven! Welcome to a place where you're you, and that's ok! I'd like to say that I admire you. So many women stay in relationships for the wrong reasons. You are a wonderful role model to your girls, because you decided to have sex and not have sex when you wanted to. They'll learn by example that they should have sex (or not) because they want to (or not), not because of society's expectations or a husband's libido or whatever. That is the best thing a young feminist could ask for.

I am absolutely no expert on guiding children through who they are as sexual people. Neither were my parents. Strangely, the two places that have helped the most are Aven and Dan Savage. I'm asexual, and Aven taught me that's ok. My husband is very sexual, and Dan Savage has taught me that there's no shame in that, that pressure has no place in the bedroom, and that if we can't work it out, it's ok to get divorced over it. Neither one of us is "wrong" or "right", we're just different. These two websites have taught me that both sex and not-sex are positive things. It isn't an either-or dichotomy.

As I have no children of my own (thank the pill!), I have no pictures of snot-nosed terrors to share with you. But I might still follow you guys from time to time, because I think it's totally awesome that each of you decided to get pregnant and carry to term and dedicate the next 20+ years of your life to someone you hadn't even met yet. I could never do that. Ladies and Gentlefolk, I tip my hat to you.

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wildphoenix1984

Thank you so much for this thread. A friend of mine pointed me to this site and this was the first topic I was hunting for.

Me and my partner have been having a lot of life unheaval at present, and as part of that I've become very confused as to my feelings - specifically that I would like children, but I don't like sex! I'm so glad to find that there are other people out there who feel or felt similarly.

As I'm a new user I'm going to hide and view the forums for a while now, but I felt I had to say how happy it made me to know I'm not alone :)

-WP

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