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Aspiecat

Asexual Parents Thread

Recommended Posts

MindPool

Hi Doppel and other readers of this post.

I am asexual. However, I am also a parent, and both these facts about me are equally important.

I have, over the years, frequented various parenting boards, some of which have been good, some of which should be put out of their misery. Occasionally, I would find myself wishing I had someone in these fora to whom to talk about how I felt about sex. On the odd occasion I *did* raise the topic of never having enjoyed sex, of not wanting to be touched, and so on, the responses were either "well, that's weird", or "oh, I know what you mean! I am so tired, too!" Naturally, neither was suitable.

There were a few of us, however, who really did not like sex, and although we had children, we were in a position that many parents at AVEN understand all too well: for whatever reason, we had a child, or children, but it's not as a result of enjoying sexual activity.

Whenever I tried to raise topics about being a parent who was asexual (although at the time I didn't have a label for how I felt), the others who felt similarly would warn me I would be shot down if I didn't delete the post, or at least refrain from raising the topic again.

So as an asexual parent, I have always felt out of kilter and on my own.

Until I came to AVEN. I joined later in 2010 but it wasn't the best time, so returned last month. And I have found other aces who are also parents! C'est bon! Certainement, c'est tres bon! This means that I can chat with other mums/dads within the safe confines of AVEN about my child and know that if the subject of my asexuality comes up - even indirectly - no-one will blink an eyelid.

There are other AVENites who support the need for a wee corner of the site where we can blather of about our kids without boring the majority of AVEN members who, for the most part, are young and haven't got children. Many of them have no intention of having kids and don't care for conversations about children. From toilet-training to high-school graduations, such subject matter will kill chat in milliseconds.

Being asexual and a parent are mutually exclusive, but they intertwine as well. While the fact my son suddenly - and unwillingly, I might add! - became a chick magnet in his first day at school after girls heard him sing is true, you might think it has nothing to do with my being ace. Well, that is true. However, if that was posted in a parenting sub-forum here in AVEN, I can guarantee that (a) other parents will respond with questions, comments and stories, and (b) somewhere along the way, the subject of asexuality will arise. For instance, my son's school is Catholic (the govt schools here are crap) and it's bad enough ds and I are Atheist, and ds is rather effeminate, but to add in the mix that mum is a different sexual orientation? Not that the school will know or NEEDS to know, but the less ammunition school bullies have, the better.

AVENites form close bonds very quickly within these virtual walls. For many, it's the only place they feel safe in a world that is highly sexual and does not suffer a lack of sexual behaviour gladly. As many gay people did in the past - and still do now - asexuals often put on a mask for the outside world, going through home life and working life pretending we are cool with it all. Then they go back to AVEN, even their bodies physically relaxing in the knowledge that while of course there are douche-bags everywhere, even in AVEN, there is total acceptance of being asexual.

Can you imagine what it's like, then to be a parent AND ace? The judgement that is made is incredible. We even get judged by some other aces, who scoff at the fact we even contemplated having children. I have been personally attacked but that was trolling and a different issue. Still, it reminded me that not all asexuals are going to understand my need to talk about my son, and to be frank, they'd much prefer it if I didn't.

However, we parents DO go on about our kids! We love them to bits! We WANT to talk about them, and we know that most other parents are going to smile and nod when we talk about first days at school, the Tooth Fairy, crap teachers, and the suchlike.

More importantly, there are a number of aces who want to have children in the future. They really have few places to go to for advice, as they are conflicted about being asexual - and therefore, by definition, disliking the method of conception - and yet wanting to love and raise a child or children. A parenting sub-forum would give these AVEN members the chance to bounce ideas off those of us who have children already, either by choice or not (and some did NOT choose).

I see an AVEN sub-forum - and, hopefully, for now a pinned thread - a place AVEN members can go to talk about parenting issues, to ask questions, to give advice and support, and to raise awareness of how many of us are both asexual and parents. There are even AVENites who are grandparents - imagine the experience and advice THEY have to offer!

Aspiecat

Well Aspie I think it would be wonderful for asexual parents to feel comfortable and discuss their children. I have none of my own and have no interest but that does not mean I think all asexuals are the same. Not being interested in sex and not wanting children can be two entirely different things and I don't think any asexual should be mocked for it, but rather understood and welcomed in like any other asexual out there. That is what AVEN is here for isn't it?

I will admit I'm not a big kid person but I am still happy to hear of asexuals who want children or already have them. Being an asexual parent may have an effect but the parenting aspect itself I think is more about being a parent, not ones sexual orientation. Any parent should have great interest in their children and it's good to see you caring so deeply about your son.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that even amongst us asexuals who do not want children, you are not alone. I'm always here for a friend if they need me and I deeply encourage all the parents of AVEN to find understanding friends and conversational companions in each other.

MindPool

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Mimi-le-Roux

oh aspie how awful!! what the heck were they playing at, not sewing a c-section cut! madness! Normally I wouldn't say this but I hope you sued their asses. :angry:

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Lintu

oh aspie how awful!! what the heck were they playing at, not sewing a c-section cut! madness! Normally I wouldn't say this but I hope you sued their asses. :angry:

Not sewing any surgery cut at all is madness!

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Jon Snow

Hy Mother Cat ;) ,

Did you notice those threads?

http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?/topic/71017-parenting/

http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?/topic/71298-forced-to-have-children/

http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?/topic/71263-if-you-were-to-have-a-baby-and-you-cant-resist-the-urge-though-youre-asexual/

http://www.asexuality.org/en/index.php?/topic/71017-parenting/

They are not about parents, but about people questioning themselves about becoming parents.

Your pinned thread is mentioned in the last one.

A subforum about those topics might be helpful.

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Mimi-le-Roux

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Having one of those days! My normally happy little boy is being a first class grump! :wacko: Roll on six 'o' clock, I need back up!

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Lintu

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!

Having one of those days! My normally happy little boy is being a first class grump! :wacko: Roll on six 'o' clock, I need back up!

Aw *hugs* It's okay, it happens. When my kids were babies and started going all grumpy and annoyed, I'd just try to make sure they're feeling alright (temperature, pain... maybe teething?) and if they were alright then I had a list of things to check! Pacifier, diaper, water bottle, and then formula. If none worked, I'd just hug them (hard when both of them are like that) and put on a Baby Mozart DVD. I swear, it worked. Even a little while ago when my little girl (who is 3.5) had a raging day, the Baby Mozart thing worked.

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Aspiecat

Hi Doppel and other readers of this post.

I am asexual. However, I am also a parent, and both these facts about me are equally important.

I have, over the years, frequented various parenting boards, some of which have been good, some of which should be put out of their misery. Occasionally, I would find myself wishing I had someone in these fora to whom to talk about how I felt about sex. On the odd occasion I *did* raise the topic of never having enjoyed sex, of not wanting to be touched, and so on, the responses were either "well, that's weird", or "oh, I know what you mean! I am so tired, too!" Naturally, neither was suitable.

There were a few of us, however, who really did not like sex, and although we had children, we were in a position that many parents at AVEN understand all too well: for whatever reason, we had a child, or children, but it's not as a result of enjoying sexual activity.

Whenever I tried to raise topics about being a parent who was asexual (although at the time I didn't have a label for how I felt), the others who felt similarly would warn me I would be shot down if I didn't delete the post, or at least refrain from raising the topic again.

So as an asexual parent, I have always felt out of kilter and on my own.

Until I came to AVEN. I joined later in 2010 but it wasn't the best time, so returned last month. And I have found other aces who are also parents! C'est bon! Certainement, c'est tres bon! This means that I can chat with other mums/dads within the safe confines of AVEN about my child and know that if the subject of my asexuality comes up - even indirectly - no-one will blink an eyelid.

There are other AVENites who support the need for a wee corner of the site where we can blather of about our kids without boring the majority of AVEN members who, for the most part, are young and haven't got children. Many of them have no intention of having kids and don't care for conversations about children. From toilet-training to high-school graduations, such subject matter will kill chat in milliseconds.

Being asexual and a parent are mutually exclusive, but they intertwine as well. While the fact my son suddenly - and unwillingly, I might add! - became a chick magnet in his first day at school after girls heard him sing is true, you might think it has nothing to do with my being ace. Well, that is true. However, if that was posted in a parenting sub-forum here in AVEN, I can guarantee that (a) other parents will respond with questions, comments and stories, and (b) somewhere along the way, the subject of asexuality will arise. For instance, my son's school is Catholic (the govt schools here are crap) and it's bad enough ds and I are Atheist, and ds is rather effeminate, but to add in the mix that mum is a different sexual orientation? Not that the school will know or NEEDS to know, but the less ammunition school bullies have, the better.

AVENites form close bonds very quickly within these virtual walls. For many, it's the only place they feel safe in a world that is highly sexual and does not suffer a lack of sexual behaviour gladly. As many gay people did in the past - and still do now - asexuals often put on a mask for the outside world, going through home life and working life pretending we are cool with it all. Then they go back to AVEN, even their bodies physically relaxing in the knowledge that while of course there are douche-bags everywhere, even in AVEN, there is total acceptance of being asexual.

Can you imagine what it's like, then to be a parent AND ace? The judgement that is made is incredible. We even get judged by some other aces, who scoff at the fact we even contemplated having children. I have been personally attacked but that was trolling and a different issue. Still, it reminded me that not all asexuals are going to understand my need to talk about my son, and to be frank, they'd much prefer it if I didn't.

However, we parents DO go on about our kids! We love them to bits! We WANT to talk about them, and we know that most other parents are going to smile and nod when we talk about first days at school, the Tooth Fairy, crap teachers, and the suchlike.

More importantly, there are a number of aces who want to have children in the future. They really have few places to go to for advice, as they are conflicted about being asexual - and therefore, by definition, disliking the method of conception - and yet wanting to love and raise a child or children. A parenting sub-forum would give these AVEN members the chance to bounce ideas off those of us who have children already, either by choice or not (and some did NOT choose).

I see an AVEN sub-forum - and, hopefully, for now a pinned thread - a place AVEN members can go to talk about parenting issues, to ask questions, to give advice and support, and to raise awareness of how many of us are both asexual and parents. There are even AVENites who are grandparents - imagine the experience and advice THEY have to offer!

Aspiecat

Well Aspie I think it would be wonderful for asexual parents to feel comfortable and discuss their children. I have none of my own and have no interest but that does not mean I think all asexuals are the same. Not being interested in sex and not wanting children can be two entirely different things and I don't think any asexual should be mocked for it, but rather understood and welcomed in like any other asexual out there. That is what AVEN is here for isn't it?

I will admit I'm not a big kid person but I am still happy to hear of asexuals who want children or already have them. Being an asexual parent may have an effect but the parenting aspect itself I think is more about being a parent, not ones sexual orientation. Any parent should have great interest in their children and it's good to see you caring so deeply about your son.

Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that even amongst us asexuals who do not want children, you are not alone. I'm always here for a friend if they need me and I deeply encourage all the parents of AVEN to find understanding friends and conversational companions in each other.

MindPool

Mind,

Thanks so much for your heart-felt post. It is incredibly important that AVENites with children feel comfortable and unjudged about being parents, as we get the odd comment from other aces about ewwwwww HAVING SEX, which lead to having children.

You're bsolutely correct about the parenting of children being just that:parenting. Never mind the orientation. There are certain elements that may creep in from time to time but overall our children are as loved and as screwed up as if we were sexual parents LOL

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Mimi-le-Roux

Aw *hugs* It's okay, it happens. When my kids were babies and started going all grumpy and annoyed, I'd just try to make sure they're feeling alright (temperature, pain... maybe teething?) and if they were alright then I had a list of things to check! Pacifier, diaper, water bottle, and then formula. If none worked, I'd just hug them (hard when both of them are like that) and put on a Baby Mozart DVD. I swear, it worked. Even a little while ago when my little girl (who is 3.5) had a raging day, the Baby Mozart thing worked.

*is on Amazon, frantically searching for Baby Mozart*

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Lintu

Aw *hugs* It's okay, it happens. When my kids were babies and started going all grumpy and annoyed, I'd just try to make sure they're feeling alright (temperature, pain... maybe teething?) and if they were alright then I had a list of things to check! Pacifier, diaper, water bottle, and then formula. If none worked, I'd just hug them (hard when both of them are like that) and put on a Baby Mozart DVD. I swear, it worked. Even a little while ago when my little girl (who is 3.5) had a raging day, the Baby Mozart thing worked.

*is on Amazon, frantically searching for Baby Mozart*

Oi sweetie, don't bother! Just hit YouTube! here's one my daughter likes:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dUn_9Uc6xTw

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Aspiecat

Don't be fooled by the "Baby Mozart" and "Baby Einstein" products. While they are entertaining, and at times soothing (as Maya has proved), infants' intelligence have not been proved to increase as a result of being exposed to the "Baby" series.

Just FYI....

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Mimi-le-Roux
:mellow: That's a pity, I'd love to know if there's something out there to give him a head start. these early years of development are fascinating!

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Lintu

:mellow: That's a pity, I'd love to know if there's something out there to give him a head start. these early years of development are fascinating!

Just let him explore! that's the best thing ever. Babies are so fascinated by everything, so as long as it isn't dangerous, let him check it inside out; touch, bite, throw... not just his toys, but other things as well. My kids used to LOOOOVE remote controls, so I just gave them ones that were unusable and took the batteries out so they could play with them.

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Aspiecat

As Maya says - just let him explore in his 'natural' surroundings. Interact with him all the time, talking, informing, and NEVER babying things down. Talk to him as if he's your peer, not a creature incapable of understanding, as babies are SMART naturally.

All those infomercials on products that will give your child a heard-start? Ignore them. They are cons, really. The Baby Mozart has beautiful music, so that is good for calming and soothing, but it's not been proven to actually improve a baby's intelligence nor to given that baby a 'head start'. Besides, trying to give you infant a head start loses you friends. It's pretentious, IMHO. Let him learn through ordinary play and he'll be marvellous!

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Mimi-le-Roux

I didn't think so - if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is, right? Oh well! He's just starting to babble and I love it. :wub: It's absolutely fascinating. I spent the vast majority o the final year of my degree studying how children acquire language and literacy so it will be interesting to see if those theories they taught us are true.

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Aspiecat

Well, it's finally happened. What has happened? you ask. Well....

Now, I'm a bit of a prude, but I'm pretty pragmatic as well. So when ds was accepted into a local Catholic high school, I knew that there would be certain influences all around him. Peer pressure is pretty big when you're in high school (in NZ and Oz, a child goes from primary school to secondary school; middle school is not really a concrete concept in either country), and there are bound to be lots of things being said and done of which I am likely to be tut-tutting oftentimes.

His first day at this school (he's in the second year of high school this year), he was shocked by the amount of swearing in the school grounds. He really didn't like it. I said for a school of 1200+ kids, he was going to hear profanity a fair bit, and he grumbled something about not taking part in it.

So how come, at the end of the fourth week of school for the year, my son is describing someone's level of annoyance as being "pissed off"? I was gob-smacked and did the motherly 'say-child's-name-out-loud-in-a-shocked-voice' thing, but amazingly I then had to tell him WHY I was shocked. Even more amazingly, he was oblivious to the profanity being unacceptable in our house until I reminded him of this fact.

I wasn't mad with him, but it got me thinking that there are so many things out of our control when our children enter a part of the education system of which we have little part. We drop them off and pick them up - or even watch as they walk out the door to get the bus and see them walk back in many hours later - and that is that until the odd parent-teacher meeting.

I'm not finding it hard to let go - I didn't even cry at his first day of school - but last night's incidence reminded me that my child is growing up and beginning to change in ways that were largely academic for so long.

Aspie

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Lintu

Well, it's finally happened. What has happened? you ask. Well....

Now, I'm a bit of a prude, but I'm pretty pragmatic as well. So when ds was accepted into a local Catholic high school, I knew that there would be certain influences all around him. Peer pressure is pretty big when you're in high school (in NZ and Oz, a child goes from primary school to secondary school; middle school is not really a concrete concept in either country), and there are bound to be lots of things being said and done of which I am likely to be tut-tutting oftentimes.

His first day at this school (he's in the second year of high school this year), he was shocked by the amount of swearing in the school grounds. He really didn't like it. I said for a school of 1200+ kids, he was going to hear profanity a fair bit, and he grumbled something about not taking part in it.

So how come, at the end of the fourth week of school for the year, my son is describing someone's level of annoyance as being "pissed off"? I was gob-smacked and did the motherly 'say-child's-name-out-loud-in-a-shocked-voice' thing, but amazingly I then had to tell him WHY I was shocked. Even more amazingly, he was oblivious to the profanity being unacceptable in our house until I reminded him of this fact.

I wasn't mad with him, but it got me thinking that there are so many things out of our control when our children enter a part of the education system of which we have little part. We drop them off and pick them up - or even watch as they walk out the door to get the bus and see them walk back in many hours later - and that is that until the odd parent-teacher meeting.

I'm not finding it hard to let go - I didn't even cry at his first day of school - but last night's incidence reminded me that my child is growing up and beginning to change in ways that were largely academic for so long.

Aspie

I didn't know "pissed off" was foul language... :unsure: But anyway, your son is almost 13, he could have been saying MUUUUUUCH worse things than that. ;)

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Mimi-le-Roux

Children seem so hell bent on being adults as early as possible these days. I recall sitting in my living room one day with the window open and overhearing two of my brother's female friends who were waiting for him to change. It was sex this, blow-jobs that. They were thirteen! I was horrified! Perhaps I'm a prude, but that is faaaar too young to be worrying about such things. I don't know what it's like where you are but I've seen some horrible things here - eleven-year-olds walking down the street smoking (genuinely not exaggerating), youngsters sitting on the park in broad daylight drinking alcohol... I want to move.

It makes me wonder if it's always been this way and I've just been too naive to realise it...

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Shaded

Mimi, I don't think it's prudish to believe children that young shouldn't be talking like that. I've seen terrible things too, I was carrying a backpack and a 10 year old came up to me and asked, quote "Do you have any booze in that backpack"

Good lord, what is happening in this society?!

My youngest cousin is in JK and when I dropped him off I heard one of his classmates say the "F" word, I was so shocked! they are four, maybe five, how do they even know these words?!

And, while your son could be saying much worse things Aspie, it's so strange how it changes so fast isn't it? School does that, I remember my sisters saying 'fag' all the time, even though it offended me and some of my friends because all their friends said it and it just came out naturally.

I imagine hearing it all the time can make it seem natural, as they are in school for hours with classmates say these things. Hopefully now that you've reminded him of the rule he'll keep an active mindset regarding it so it wont slip out.

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Lintu

Maybe this is the time to admit... I swear. A LOT. :lol: But never in front of my children. I don't want them to know bad words, especially not when they're so young still. I do say "fuck" a lot, but only in "adult company".

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Mimi-le-Roux

Mimi, I don't think it's prudish to believe children that young shouldn't be talking like that. I've seen terrible things too, I was carrying a backpack and a 10 year old came up to me and asked, quote "Do you have any booze in that backpack"

Good lord, what is happening in this society?!

My youngest cousin is in JK and when I dropped him off I heard one of his classmates say the "F" word, I was so shocked! they are four, maybe five, how do they even know these words?!

Omg lol when I was in primary school, I thought 'ass' was a bad word! It's so weird. I was watching something last night - it was actually about obesity but the same principle can be applied - and it talked about parents who have a hard time saying no to their children regarding certain clothes/foods/activities/tv shows/games etc because they all the other kids their age have them/do it. I'm not at they point yet but it must be hard: there's a part to every parent that wants to give their child whatever they desire in life to make them happy (esp. if they feel they were denied that in their own childhood) but then there's that fine line between being satisfied and being spoiled/indulged.

Maybe this is the time to admit... I swear. A LOT. :lol: But never in front of my children. I don't want them to know bad words, especially not when they're so young still. I do say "fuck" a lot, but only in "adult company".

Lol Maya, I'm the same! It becomes part of your vocab after a while - but yeah, only in front of other adults.

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Lintu

Got the kids for myself today as they're off school... :wacko: Gotta love the little ones, eh?

*tries not to go crazy*

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Aspiecat

Funny about the language thing.

I am prudish when it comes to kids swearing - I just hate it. Adults, well, that's a different matter. But considering ds was so disturbed on his first day at this school by the profanity, and five weeks later he's saying 'pissed off', I was very surprised LOL

I do consider that phrase swearing, but then I use the word 'bloody' in chat a lot hahaha Very British word.

I was too scared to swear as a child, but my adoptive mother, who was Irish, would blaspheme a bit. There was a fair amount of "Jesus, Mary, St Joseph!" -ing and "bloody hell!" -ing in our house hahaha

Aspie

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Aspiecat

Got the kids for myself today as they're off school... :wacko: Gotta love the little ones, eh?

*tries not to go crazy*

Back to school today?

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Lintu

So the kids had their first costume party today... It started off quite badly as some of you who were in chat this morning know - my daughter was screaming with ear pain :( We took her to see a doctor and she gave her antibiotics and said it was okay to go to the party if Hope wants to, so we did. It was a mess for me, but fun for the kids! Just a lot of noise and the regular 3-4 year old stuff, but my twins made me so proud in their little costumes ^_^

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maven

So the kids had their first costume party today... It started off quite badly as some of you who were in chat this morning know - my daughter was screaming with ear pain :( We took her to see a doctor and she gave her antibiotics and said it was okay to go to the party if Hope wants to, so we did. It was a mess for me, but fun for the kids! Just a lot of noise and the regular 3-4 year old stuff, but my twins made me so proud in their little costumes ^_^

Aw, that sounds so cute! Glad to hear Hope is feeling better. What did the twins dress up as?

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Lintu

So the kids had their first costume party today... It started off quite badly as some of you who were in chat this morning know - my daughter was screaming with ear pain :( We took her to see a doctor and she gave her antibiotics and said it was okay to go to the party if Hope wants to, so we did. It was a mess for me, but fun for the kids! Just a lot of noise and the regular 3-4 year old stuff, but my twins made me so proud in their little costumes ^_^

Aw, that sounds so cute! Glad to hear Hope is feeling better. What did the twins dress up as?

Thanks! :) Hope was dressed as a princess/ladybug but throughout the day only the dress and the ladybug make up remained. Gil was a bear!

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Mimi-le-Roux

So the kids had their first costume party today... It started off quite badly as some of you who were in chat this morning know - my daughter was screaming with ear pain :( We took her to see a doctor and she gave her antibiotics and said it was okay to go to the party if Hope wants to, so we did. It was a mess for me, but fun for the kids! Just a lot of noise and the regular 3-4 year old stuff, but my twins made me so proud in their little costumes ^_^

Aww, poor little mite, ear infections are just the worst. I hope she's feeling better and I'm glad they had a good time. :)

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Lintu

So the kids had their first costume party today... It started off quite badly as some of you who were in chat this morning know - my daughter was screaming with ear pain :( We took her to see a doctor and she gave her antibiotics and said it was okay to go to the party if Hope wants to, so we did. It was a mess for me, but fun for the kids! Just a lot of noise and the regular 3-4 year old stuff, but my twins made me so proud in their little costumes ^_^

Aww, poor little mite, ear infections are just the worst. I hope she's feeling better and I'm glad they had a good time. :)

Thanks! Yeah, ear infections are awful... :(

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Aspiecat

Losing clothes. Losing clothes!

How the hell does he lose a school rugby shirt (part of PE uniform) having never worn the thing?!?

If he doesn't find it by Friday, he's paying for a new one himself - it's over $60!

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aces_wild

Losing clothes. Losing clothes!

How the hell does he lose a school rugby shirt (part of PE uniform) having never worn the thing?!?

If he doesn't find it by Friday, he's paying for a new one himself - it's over $60!

Is it possible that it may have been stolen? I had a class ring stolen from my locker in high school. My mother went to her grave believing that I had gotten rid of it for some reason.

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