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Aspiecat

Asexual Parents Thread

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Lintu

That was in fact what I was wondering about most. Asexuality isn't physically obvious (well, most times anyway), and many people aren't very familiar with it... I know nowadays kids are being educated into accepting gay people from a young age (i.e. there are children books about children with two moms/dads), but not asexuality because, well, it's never really about the sexual attraction with kids, but more like the romantic attraction... "I like girls" or "I like boys" doesn't bring up a sexual image to little kids (not saying it should, of course).

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Aspiecat

I have brought up ds to think of people as just that: people. Gender is secondary to him. From a very young age I've been open with him about sexual orientation, but of course to an appropriate level. At the age of seven, he went to a free-dress day at school (all Australian schools have a uniform) in a skirt, pink tee-shirt and track pants (it was winter LOL), carrying a gold wand and wearing a tiara. He had to do a presentation in front of the class and I was there to watch. To everyone's surprise, he made an announcement: "You might have noticed that I'm dressed like a girl. That's because when I an an adult I want to have an operation and come out of hospital a woman."

:lol:

I was so proud of him, although a couple of teachers told me at pick-up time that I was a bad mother for letting my son dress that way. WTF?!? He wanted to dress that way and there was no harm in it. At nearly 13 he's only really started to dress in a more male way publicly, but privately he is still pretty camp in his dress. His demeanour is rather androgynous, however, and because of his confidence in being in his own skin, he never gets teased - quite the opposite, he is admired even by the tough kids.

I hope our children are the ones to pave the way for asexuality. Tolerance and understand comes from home and perhaps our grandchildren will regard asexuality as nothing strange at all.

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Lintu

Your son is incredible, aspie!! Terribly cute, too! :)

I let my kids play with whatever they want... it is true that there are my son's toys and my daughter's toys and they're rather "gender-appropriate" but if they want to play with something that isn't "boy like" or "girl like" then so be it. I really couldn't care less.

OF COURSE you're a bad mother for letting your son dress as a girl! How dare you! It's a disgrace! :blink:

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Shaded

I'm sort of a foster mom. My three cousins have been living with me for a while because their mom- who isn't much older than me- has some problems with depression. Anyways, I've had a huge part in raising them for nearly their whole lives and they've lived with me off andonfor years for long periods of time.Just thought i'd give you backround information.

While we're talking about gender, I thought i'd talk about something that's been worrying me. Liam, who is only 4, is very feminine. We don't have a problem with it, and all three of the kids have been raised to see who people are as opposed to gender, and that they can be whoever they want to be and so on. But he started school this year and i'm more worred about what happens there. The teacher has told me that he'll sometimes try to go with the girls when they seperate the genders for lines and such, and he plays with barbies when it's recess or playtime. He goes to a catholic school, and while the techer is very accepting, the parents hae made some pretty rude remarks. I'm worried about when the other kids start the realize that he isn't the same as they are. I certainy don't want to tell him 'don't play with barbies at school because that's for girls' because if he enjoys it I don't care and I want him to be himself, even if that means he sings Hannah Montanna songs during school. I'm really thankful for his teacher though, because she's teaching acceptance at a young age, which is great! It's the parents that are not so polite. Well, that was more of a rant than anything, but does anyone have any advice on how to handle the parents? Or should I maybe just talk to him about how some people may not understand? I think he might be a little young to understand that though. I don't know xD

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Lintu

I think talking to the parents would be better. Telling them that Liam is Liam, and he's perfect just the way he is, and they should teach their children to accept different people too.

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Aspiecat

I'm sort of a foster mom. My three cousins have been living with me for a while because their mom- who isn't much older than me- has some problems with depression. Anyways, I've had a huge part in raising them for nearly their whole lives and they've lived with me off andonfor years for long periods of time.Just thought i'd give you backround information.

While we're talking about gender, I thought i'd talk about something that's been worrying me. Liam, who is only 4, is very feminine. We don't have a problem with it, and all three of the kids have been raised to see who people are as opposed to gender, and that they can be whoever they want to be and so on. But he started school this year and i'm more worred about what happens there. The teacher has told me that he'll sometimes try to go with the girls when they seperate the genders for lines and such, and he plays with barbies when it's recess or playtime. He goes to a catholic school, and while the techer is very accepting, the parents hae made some pretty rude remarks. I'm worried about when the other kids start the realize that he isn't the same as they are. I certainy don't want to tell him 'don't play with barbies at school because that's for girls' because if he enjoys it I don't care and I want him to be himself, even if that means he sings Hannah Montanna songs during school. I'm really thankful for his teacher though, because she's teaching acceptance at a young age, which is great! It's the parents that are not so polite. Well, that was more of a rant than anything, but does anyone have any advice on how to handle the parents? Or should I maybe just talk to him about how some people may not understand? I think he might be a little young to understand that though. I don't know xD

Shaded,

Some parents are the bane of sensible people's existence. They truly are. Imagine what attitudes most of these particular parents' kids will have themselves as they grow.

Are you there at preschool when Liam is finishing his day? If so, see if you can suss out the nice parents - ie, in this case, the ones NOT saying anything horrible. Find out who Liam's particular friends are at school. Boys, girls, doesn't matter. Then locate which parents they belong to and have chats with them. Strength in numbers type thing. You'll find there are plenty of parents who have no problem with their children being at school with a child who is experimenting with gender roles.

Which is a VERY healthy thing to do, I might add.

My son wanted Barbie dolls but I hate Barbies so I got him some slightly more PC dolls, which he loved. He had a toy kitchen for yonks. His favourite colour is HOT pink - always has been. His favourite clothing are two velour tracksuits - one purple, one hot pink - that he freely wears when we go out somewhere. He gets looks, but has a great sense of his own pride and he doesn't - to be blunt - give a shit what other people think.

Continue to talk with the teaching staff and ensure you surround Liam with adults who are caring souls. Allow him to be who he is, but discuss with him whenever you can how silly people are when they judge other people. But do it casually, with a "meh" type attitude, not making a huge deal out of it. Remind him and his siblings that toys are JUST toys, colours are JUST colours, clothes are JUST clothes....It's only that sometimes we have to put up with society wanting things in a certain way, especially with dress, and with lining up at school according to gender. As for the Barbies, pfft! who cares that he plays with them?

My son is my life. And I am sure you feel similarly about your cousins. I am sure Liam'll turn out fine so long as those closest to him are accepting of him.

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Aspiecat

Your son is incredible, aspie!! Terribly cute, too! :)

I let my kids play with whatever they want... it is true that there are my son's toys and my daughter's toys and they're rather "gender-appropriate" but if they want to play with something that isn't "boy like" or "girl like" then so be it. I really couldn't care less.

OF COURSE you're a bad mother for letting your son dress as a girl! How dare you! It's a disgrace! :blink:

Good on you, Maya. Why not. Let em play with the toys they like.

And I know, shame on me, huh. LOL

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Lintu

Your son is incredible, aspie!! Terribly cute, too! :)

I let my kids play with whatever they want... it is true that there are my son's toys and my daughter's toys and they're rather "gender-appropriate" but if they want to play with something that isn't "boy like" or "girl like" then so be it. I really couldn't care less.

OF COURSE you're a bad mother for letting your son dress as a girl! How dare you! It's a disgrace! :blink:

Good on you, Maya. Why not. Let em play with the toys they like.

And I know, shame on me, huh. LOL

It's just so silly, I mean, if you have a problem with boys doing girls' stuff and vice versa, don't let your kid do that. But what do you care about how others deal with this issue?

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Jon Snow

How about this as a topic:

How important do you think it is to tell your kids you're asexual? Is it like letting them know that they have two dads because you're gay? Or is it just insignificant?

What happens in the parents bedroom is none of the children's business.

(a)sexuality is a very personnal matter. As long as it isn't an obvious source of conflict between, the children hasen't any need to know.

I know that visibility is a necessity, but we never discuss sex at home, athough our children are adults (20 and 23) and still living at home. Coming out to them would only increase the gap between the generations.

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Beachwalker

Hi all, I have a query and I thought I would put it out there. I have a 3 year old foster son who has been in my care for nearly a year. Initially he would not let anyone near him and would become hysterical. Consequently he didnt have a haircut and his hair grew long with these most beautiful curls. Now when his brothers go to the barbers he wants a turn as well, but I couldn't bear to get his curls cut off so asked the barber just to trim his hair. Anyway lately people have been mistaking him for a girl. I am pretty sure he has no care factor whether his hair is long or short but I personally love his curls. Is it wrong of me to keep his hair long because I like it? How do you decide on a childs hairstyle at that age when the child is to young to care? Is it ok to go with personal preference?

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Lintu

Hi all, I have a query and I thought I would put it out there. I have a 3 year old foster son who has been in my care for nearly a year. Initially he would not let anyone near him and would become hysterical. Consequently he didnt have a haircut and his hair grew long with these most beautiful curls. Now when his brothers go to the barbers he wants a turn as well, but I couldn't bear to get his curls cut off so asked the barber just to trim his hair. Anyway lately people have been mistaking him for a girl. I am pretty sure he has no care factor whether his hair is long or short but I personally love his curls. Is it wrong of me to keep his hair long because I like it? How do you decide on a childs hairstyle at that age when the child is to young to care? Is it ok to go with personal preference?

I believe you should let him choose his own hairstyle. It's his body, after all. If he wants to have a haircut, let him have a haircut. It will grow back.

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Beachwalker

Hi all, I have a query and I thought I would put it out there. I have a 3 year old foster son who has been in my care for nearly a year. Initially he would not let anyone near him and would become hysterical. Consequently he didnt have a haircut and his hair grew long with these most beautiful curls. Now when his brothers go to the barbers he wants a turn as well, but I couldn't bear to get his curls cut off so asked the barber just to trim his hair. Anyway lately people have been mistaking him for a girl. I am pretty sure he has no care factor whether his hair is long or short but I personally love his curls. Is it wrong of me to keep his hair long because I like it? How do you decide on a childs hairstyle at that age when the child is to young to care? Is it ok to go with personal preference?

I believe you should let him choose his own hairstyle. It's his body, after all. If he wants to have a haircut, let him have a haircut. It will grow back.

Bu what if he doesnt care? He enjoys the novelty of sitting in the barbers chair and putting on the Wiggles cape but he doesnt care what happens to his hair! I am happy now he has the confidence to do this but he is just as happy having a trim as a Number 1.

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Lintu

Hi all, I have a query and I thought I would put it out there. I have a 3 year old foster son who has been in my care for nearly a year. Initially he would not let anyone near him and would become hysterical. Consequently he didnt have a haircut and his hair grew long with these most beautiful curls. Now when his brothers go to the barbers he wants a turn as well, but I couldn't bear to get his curls cut off so asked the barber just to trim his hair. Anyway lately people have been mistaking him for a girl. I am pretty sure he has no care factor whether his hair is long or short but I personally love his curls. Is it wrong of me to keep his hair long because I like it? How do you decide on a childs hairstyle at that age when the child is to young to care? Is it ok to go with personal preference?

I believe you should let him choose his own hairstyle. It's his body, after all. If he wants to have a haircut, let him have a haircut. It will grow back.

Bu what if he doesnt care? He enjoys the novelty of sitting in the barbers chair and putting on the Wiggles cape but he doesnt care what happens to his hair! I am happy now he has the confidence to do this but he is just as happy having a trim as a Number 1.

:lol: sorry, that last sentence was funny. Um, well, I suppose you could ask him if he wanted to have his hair cut and if he says "I don't care" then just leave it be until he asks for it.

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Aspiecat

Agree. Let him have more than a trim if he wants it. My own son looks GORGEOUS when his blond waves grow into long curls but he prefers it short as he has a young face and looks older with short hair.

If your foster son doesn't like it short, let him know it'll grow back. But it IS his hair and beyond those stupid haircuts parents get for their kids all the time, getting it to collar-length surely won't do any harm

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Mimi-le-Roux

Hi mummies. I hope this isn't too personal a question but did any of you breastfeed your children and if so, how did you find it?

I have a four month old son and throughout my pregnancy, I was adamant I wanted to breastfeed - the midwives drill it into you as much as they can. However, when he was born, we just couldn't get it going. I was so tense with it, it really freaked me out; I hate being touched there but I'd genuinely hoped I could overcome it. I couldn't - I ended up having to bottle feed and I felt like such a failure.

I just wondered if anyone else had the same problem.

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Shaded

Hello, and Welcome to AVEN :cake: :cake: :cake:

I didn't have this problem because I'm a foster mom, but you shouldn't feel like a failure. You tried, and that's admirable.

For the record, Liam couldn't even have breast milk because he was allergic, he had to have a very specific type of formula. So, formula feeding can happen a lot. Here's something I just read at this website http://kidshealth.org/parent/growth/feeding/breast_bottle_feeding.html

"Breastfeeding may not be possible for all women. For many women, the decision to breastfeed or formula feed is based on their comfort level, lifestyle, and specific medical considerations that they might have."

So you're not the only one, don't worry. Your baby will be fine formula fed, don't feel guilty.

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Mimi-le-Roux

Thank you! It's nice to know it's not just me - and interesting to know that some babies can't even have breast milk. I wonder if perhaps some of them just plain don't like it. If I had an inkling of scientific talent, I might propose a study lol.

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Lintu

Hi mummies. I hope this isn't too personal a question but did any of you breastfeed your children and if so, how did you find it?

I have a four month old son and throughout my pregnancy, I was adamant I wanted to breastfeed - the midwives drill it into you as much as they can. However, when he was born, we just couldn't get it going. I was so tense with it, it really freaked me out; I hate being touched there but I'd genuinely hoped I could overcome it. I couldn't - I ended up having to bottle feed and I felt like such a failure.

I just wondered if anyone else had the same problem.

Hi! I didn't breastfeed. My twins were born early so I couldn't really, but even if I could I wouldn't. It just seems super uncomfortable and actually painful.

Oh, a 4 month old! So cute!!!

:cake:

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Mimi-le-Roux

Hi! I didn't breastfeed. My twins were born early so I couldn't really, but even if I could I wouldn't. It just seems super uncomfortable and actually painful.

Oh, a 4 month old! So cute!!!

:cake:

I'm glad it's not just me who feels that way!

Edited by Faelights
Fixed quote tag.

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Aspiecat

Mimi,

My milk never came is because I was so sick after ds was born. The NMAA (Nursing Mothers' Association of Australia) kept coming to me in my hospital bed and pressuring me to TRY. 'It's better for the baby' and 'It's your duty to keep trying'

I was told he'd be obese, that his IQ would be lower than average...God the things I was told.

Well, he's just fine.

You are NOT a failure - don't let anyone tell you that, don't let yourself think that. Not for a second. Bottle-feeding a baby is the best thing when breast-feeding isn't an option, whatever the reason.

Keep us up to date with how your little one goes, Mimi.

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Aspiecat

Pictures.

Now not all of us are going to be happy to do this, but I'll start it anyway. A pic of my boy. Whether or not we are willing to put pics of our children in an AVEN thread, we parents all like to see each others' offspring.

SmartSam-Jan2012.jpg

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Mimi-le-Roux

My milk never came is because I was so sick after ds was born. The NMAA (Nursing Mothers' Association of Australia) kept coming to me in my hospital bed and pressuring me to TRY. 'It's better for the baby' and 'It's your duty to keep trying'

They did the same to me too. And when he wouldn't feed, they tried to make me express by hand. Half an hour for 3 little drops = majorly depressing. I understand why they big it up but they shouldn't pressure - it isn't fair.

Ah well! He loves his formula and he gets his nutrients. That's what matters most.

Your son is so sweet!! i'll try and post a picture, just have to figure out how. :)

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Mimi-le-Roux

cutiepie.jpg

Ahh! There we go. Ethan, aged 4 months.

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Lintu

OH MY GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD your little baby is so adorable, Mimi!!!!!!!!! I could just die! <3

Not to mention your handsome young man, aspie... ;)

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Shaded

Aww, you two have gorgeous children. Aspie, your son is so handsome and Mimi, well, that is such an adorable smile. :D

I don't have all of the pictures I have of my cousins because i'm not on my computer, but I found some that are good.

18344_239395432663_637222663_4301592_7338455_n.jpg

Violet, she's 9 now, but had just turned 8 in the picture.

18344_239395402663_637222663_4301589_5374170_n.jpg

Gracie, who's 6 (But will be turning 7 next month)

IMG_0166-1.jpg

And finally, Liam, who's 4. I know it has a glare, but I love the Thing 3 shirt! We all have them, the kids and me and my sisters have two sets, and my mom has a mother of all things shirt with cat and the hat and the things on it xD (We went a bit overboard in universal & Disney...)

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Mimi-le-Roux

Thank you - he looks like his uncle, oddly enough lol.

Shaded what gorgeous kids!

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Shaded

Yeah, they're really cute ^.^ I'm still looking for a better picture of Liam

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aces_wild

Very nice pictures, all of you! I'm afraid I don't have any like that as all of mine are grown, but maybe some grandkid pics are in the offing in the not-too-distant future.

Aspiecat, it sure looks like bottle feeding had no effect on ds' growth and development.

I can't believe everyone's stories about the breastfeeding zealots (actually I can). So I guess those people cancel out the fanatics on the other end of the spectrum who consider public breastfeeding to be a form of indecent exposure. What ever happened to "live and let live"?

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Aspiecat

O. M. G.

What lovely pics!!!

We aces are in charge of some fab-looking kids, yeah?

Aces - my bloody well 5' 5" tall, a whole inch taller than I. :huh: And he's not even 13! hahaha

I truly hate the parenting fanatics on either end of any scale. I was so ill after ds was born - we were in separate hospitals for a short time because his left lung collapsed and our hospital had no neo-natal care unit; they perforated my appendix during my c-section so I was in horrendous ("Oh, be quiet, you'll wake the babies!") pain until they decided to investigate and operate; they refused to stitch my c-section cut so it filled, skin grew over the top, a blood clot formed and I almost died again (again, they refused to stitch after THAT); I had no friends, no family, no real support from dh; I had to do housework and cook once out because dh was working (after a c-section you are not meant to do housework for weeks).

And the (pardon me but it's entirely appropriate IMO) *fucking* NMAA is on my phone and at my DOOR every few days, trying to guilt me into attempting to breast-feeding Sam because otherwise I'm a BAD MOTHER?

The pressure that is on new and young mothers (young as in their children are young) is incredible. Do-gooders and parenting fanatics grate on me no matter what they're trying to expound.

Aspie

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Lintu

Shaded, they are so beautiful!!!

Aspie, that's just horrible. I can't believe you had to go through this :( I'm really sorry. You're so strong! :cake:

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