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Asexual Parents Thread


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EnigmaticAnomaly

I hope we can get that subthread going, it may benefit many people.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi there,

I'm just popping in as I have two lovely daughters (4 and 2) and we're currently trying for a 3rd.

I feel such relief to be amongst people who understand how daunting the task of conception is when you have no desire to do it....

Currently in the 4th month of ovulation testing (to be honest; so I don't have to have any more sex than necessary)

We're hitting the exact right days but not joy yet.

Fingers still crossed for this month, 1 more week to wait to find out.

X

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi everyone,

I just found this thread.I am 24 and have a 6 year old boy.when he was 4 I found out about asexuality and finally understood that I wasn't weird or alone. The father isn't in the picture and my parents don't belive asexuality is normal. I want another kid but adoption is hard so I'll probably buy from a sperm bank which is going to piss off my mom who is extreamly religious.Add to that that I am ftm trans and am therefore homoromantic I kinda feel like the walls are closing in around me.

I actually wanted To ask any asexual parents that have more grown up children about discussing puberty. Personally I don't know how I'm going to communicate about sexual things with my son if he isn't asexual both because I didn't go through male puberty and also I never felt sexual attraction.

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I have a little girl. She is just 2 years old. I wonder what I am gonna tell her bout her dad when she gets to where she asks. I wonder a lot bout different things, but I love her to bits and would do anything for her. I am going to college to be a vet. Someday I would like to get married so that she can have someone to call dad, but I don't know if that is possible with my being Asexual. But I want to find the right person for me and her. I want so badly for to have a complete family. I think about what not having my dad around did to me, just because he was working all the time, but then I think It might not be so bad, because when I had her I thought to my self I will love her for both me and her dad and I love her way more than that. My world would not be the same without her.

Thanks for listening

ACASHA

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Late to the party but I am a parent and an ace. I have three sons aged 7, 5 and 2 who I homeschool.

Their dad and I are married (12 years in April), he's also ace / demi. I don't know if we'll ever tell them about it unless it's brought up specifically because from the outside we're an ordinary heterosexual couple.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hi. I'm new to AVEN and new to identifying as asexual so I'm unsure how to navigate this all but I was so happy to find this topic. I have 2 amazing daughters (4 and 2) and I love being a mom. I am home full time with them and from the outside my life looks so all-American normal. I'm just happy there is a safe space for me here.

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  • 3 weeks later...
EmeraldTigerLily

I'm so excited to find this thread! I'm 38 and I have two kiddos, a 4 year old daughter and 1 year old son. Both are blue eye, blonde, cuties and i dread their teenage years! I'm married and have been for 6 years,together for 10.

Until this week I had never heard of asexuality and my husband is actually the one that brought it up. He is very much sexual, almost to the opposite extreme of me which I never want sex. I've never had interest in it and have only had 2 partners in my life. In both relationships I had sex at least a few times a week and then gradually dwindled to 1-4 times a year. Sex almost repulses me. I get no enjoyment from it and have absolutely no desire to do it. I feel like I have to do it for my husband but I'm to the point that I just don't want to even do it for him. Of course, this is causing a lot of issues now and I don't know where it will go from here. I'm very happy to have found out that I'm not broken and that it's okay that I don't want sex or enjoy sex. I'm still reading about all the different aspects and subcategories of asexual. I know that I do not like to be touched in an affectionate way outside of the normal family hug type stuff. I guess I don't like being touched if it could lead to anything sexual being expected. I've always wanted kids and I knew sex was how it happens so I have been lucky because both times I tried I got pregnant the first try. I believe my husband and I have had sex about 10 times in 6 years and 2 of those times were specifically for pregnancy purposes. I actually avoid being home with my husband when the kids aren't around because I know he's going to try to have sex. It sounds so sad to me and I don't see our marriage staying in a good place because, as I read, there isn't a "cure" or a "treatment" that will change the way I feel.

I think I've rambled and jumped around a lot so hopefully I didn't bore anyone or cinfuse anyone! I hope to learn more about asexuality!

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  • 4 weeks later...
SpirallingSnowy

Just wanted to pop in and say I'm an oldbie on aven, but I'm a parent, married to a sexual guy, and I have a son who is 8 months old ☺️

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi all, I'm so happy to have found this thread. I'm 38, a-sexual and a mother of a 16-year old and an 18-year old.

People have been laughing at me and refused to believe me, when I told them I was an a-sexual with children. They said it was impossible to be a-sexual and have children. Well, it's not. I have had children without ever liking sex. I was forced into my marriage in 1995, it was expected of me, demanded even, to become a mother immediately. I was just 18, but became a mother when I was just 20 because of all the pressure of family and family friends. So yes, I have children and I am a-sexual.

Luckily, I managed to leave him, raise my own children and I never remarried, because I am just not interested in having sex. I don't have a boyfriend or a husband, I never had any sexual contact with anyone after leaving my now ex-husband. Finally I'm living as I always wanted to. :)

It's just difficult to be myself. I sometimes lied at work that I'm married or that I have a boyfriend, so people would leave me alone instead of harrassing me for being single or for harrassing me for not being interested in any sexual relationship at all. And the few times I did mention I'm a-sexual, I just was not believed. Finally now I see in this thread many more a-sexuals with children. I'm so happy! Thank you so much for starting this thread.

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  • 1 month later...

After 15 years of marriage, the last five of which has included no sex and very little physical intimacy, my sexual husband recently asked me straight out if I am asexual. I've never really thought of myself as that - funny how a complete lack of interest in sex from puberty on and the odd panic attack during sexual situations failed to register with me - but I'm starting to get a picture and be more accepting of who I am.

Long story short, my husband and I are having many tearful conversations about what our family will look like and feel like moving forward - we're are talking through everything from status quo (which will not work for him), open marriage, what levels of physical intimacy may feel ok for both of us now, or separating - amicably and with love. He is sexual and feels strongly that his sexual needs are met in some way, shape or fashion. I don't begrudge him that need.

We have a 10 year old transgender child that we both love and will continue to co-parent should we separate or divorce. It is important to her to understand that my husband and I have no animosity towards each other and that we will continue to love and be active members of whatever our new family dynamic is, because the notion of separation will be devastating to her, since the rest of our lives is pretty great. I guess my question is whether any one has advice about "coming out" to a child in the context of a shift in family structure. Given that she is transgender and has genderqueer and gay family and friends, so I'm not expecting much pushback on the actual situation. But I am looking for advice on how to best present the issue so that no one seems at fault.

I'm sorry for the rambling. I'm on day 3 of all-night tearful conversations with my partner about what we can do.

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It seems you have a kind and understanding husband. So probably you will be able to do what you expect, to sort things out with mutual respect, whatever you both decide to do with your lives.

Being transgender and having all kinds of LGBT friends should help your child understanding a-sexuality. My daughter is bi and she actually realised that I am a-sexual as the single parents of her friends are even looking for new relationships, while I never really have. So she told me about a-sexuality and asked me if perhaps that is how I feel. Turned out it is. :)

So being any kind of LGBT themselves will help children understand, even if it isn't a guarantee of course. I'm not an expert in situations like yours, so I could be completely wrong, but I think you and your husband telling your child about your differences regarding marriage will prevent your child thinking worse about it than it is, because when you are both understanding each other and not in a fight, your child will see that you still like each other and are on excellent terms. If you explain it all together, how people change or only realise years later that they are too different in certain regards to carry on as it is, then it should also be clear there is no blaming and no enmity, all is friendly and things just need to be sorted out. And separation in this case doesn't mean not having one of you in her life anymore.

I wish you and your family happiness and all the luck in the world.

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Hi everyone, I'm new here and also newly identifying as asexual (or grey possibly? Like I said, new!).

I have 3 children, 11yr old daughter, 8yr old daughter and 7yr old son. I left my husband nearly 5 years ago, for the last 2 years of the marriage we hadn't had sex and it didn't bother me but clearly was an issue for him as he started having affairs. Regardless of the sex situation we would have broken up, he is not a nice person!

I feel like the only single mother around who isn't seeking a relationship and I think people assume I am a bitter man-hater. I'm not-I'm happier than I've ever been and finding this community of like-minded people is a revelation.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hi everyone, although I have been a member of this site for time, ive only just returned to it after about 5 years. I now have a 3 year old daughter :). Still in a long term relationship with a sexual man which is proving to have lots of problems.

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  • 3 weeks later...
Coffee Bean

Hello eveyone. Another asexual parent here to add to your ranks. :) I'm 27, and have 3 girls, ages 5 (almost), 3, and 2. My husband is my first lover, and the only I plan to have (though sex doesn't exactly excite me, the thought of having another completely disgusts me). He tells people how old our children are, and their first reaction is usually "man! You guys must really like sex!" but oddly enough, I'm pretty indifferent to it. Getting pregnant from the biological act of sex just wasn't really that hard for me...

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Hello, mother of one here (10yr old), co-parenting with my ex, which seems to be working well for the three of us. I'm not exactly rushing into any relationships as I'm comfortable on my own and I like having my own space a lot. Plus, I'm really tired of dating sexual people and it's hard to find another asexual around.

I'm sex averse, I'd rather not do it and definitely not often and pretty much I'd rather keep things simple and quick, so obviously I wouldn't be a good partner for someone with average-to-high sex drive anyway. Anyone trying to persuade me to do anything porn inspired (I dated people trying all sorts) would also be strrraight out of bed in no time. I know my boundaries and I won't cross them for someone's pleasure.

My daughter already knows about asexual people as she's been asking me about gays and lesbians and basically who people feel attracted to, so at least she won't be thinking (hopefully) that being asexual is something "wrong" or "weird" like I thought when I was a teen. We had a talk about different genders too, as she saw a part of a documentary about a little trans girl and started asking questions, so it was a good starting point. I'm agender and still remember when my daughter was a little younger and she saw a photo of a 13-year old me and shouted "mum, you were a BOY!" :D I told her then that I kinda looked like a boy, still - had a female body, but really, really deep down when I think of myself I'm not a boy or a girl, just "me" and I could never say I'm this or the other because it's not who I am. She seemed to understand and then added: "I checked in my head, and I'm definitely a girl, just a tomboy girl, not a girly girl" :)

I love her soooo much.

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  • 3 weeks later...
gothic dandy

Hi! I'm so glad this thread is here! I've just skimmed most of it, so I don't know what to say, and am not even sure if I've posted here previously when I signed up a long time ago. But count me among your numbers!

Haha, my three year old recently did something similar...she says she's a girl and mama's a boy, haha. She is the ULTIMATE girly girl. It's been fascinating to watch her bloom in spite of my gender-neutral child-rearing attempts.

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  • 2 weeks later...
UnplannedCauli

An update of sorts: we went poly and we're taking it slow. He is much more into learning and doing everything right the first time around, plus since he'll be the one more obviously crossing traditional lines (and therefore subject to blame for breaking a family should that happen) he's very, very slow about finding other women to flirt or have sex with.

And I'd like him to be swifter, jump a few years forwards, I'd like to be already there, with more people around, possibly even living with us and not having to think guilty thoughts about sex at all.

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Throwing my two cents in, I'm asexual and single, and sadly, I'm not a parent. I desperately want children, and I'm trying to navigate it all.

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  • 5 months later...
On 4/27/2016 at 7:18 PM, poolshark said:

After 15 years of marriage, the last five of which has included no sex and very little physical intimacy, my sexual husband recently asked me straight out if I am asexual. I've never really thought of myself as that - funny how a complete lack of interest in sex from puberty on and the odd panic attack during sexual situations failed to register with me - but I'm starting to get a picture and be more accepting of who I am.

Long story short, my husband and I are having many tearful conversations about what our family will look like and feel like moving forward - we're are talking through everything from status quo (which will not work for him), open marriage, what levels of physical intimacy may feel ok for both of us now, or separating - amicably and with love. He is sexual and feels strongly that his sexual needs are met in some way, shape or fashion. I don't begrudge him that need.

We have a 10 year old transgender child that we both love and will continue to co-parent should we separate or divorce. It is important to her to understand that my husband and I have no animosity towards each other and that we will continue to love and be active members of whatever our new family dynamic is, because the notion of separation will be devastating to her, since the rest of our lives is pretty great. I guess my question is whether any one has advice about "coming out" to a child in the context of a shift in family structure. Given that she is transgender and has genderqueer and gay family and friends, so I'm not expecting much pushback on the actual situation. But I am looking for advice on how to best present the issue so that no one seems at fault.

I'm sorry for the rambling. I'm on day 3 of all-night tearful conversations with my partner about what we can do.

Wow, this sounds exactly like my situation! I was in a relationship for 21 years, we have 4 amazing children, our life was great, except for the intimacy(which I didn't need), but my wife did. We looked at open marriages, parenting marriages, etc...but I realized I wouldn't be able to handle her seeing others if we were still a couple. Our separation has been hard on me, but we have done s great job keeping things as normal as possible for the kids. They are coping just fine, and since they already lived in an LGBT family, my talking about being a-sexual or Demi-sexual wasn't anything they considered weird. It's amazing how accepting and open this generation is. One of my daughters actually said she could see how I would be Demi. She thinks she is gray-sexual/gray-romantic. I'm actually learning more from my kids! I know this post was months ago, do hopefully your life has adjusted well. Here's hoping to a wonderful new year! 

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  • 1 month later...
Guest Jetsun Milarepa

I'm parent to one 26 year old , she has never seen me in any kind of relationship past the usual friendships. I often wonder if that will 'teach' her to be Ace, as my mother, married as she was, wasn't a sexual being , nor was my dad. They were just the closest of buddies. I was a single parent for all of her life and had no wish to enter into what I knew would just be a string of failed relationships, so I just did what I like best...avoiding those!

 

She sems happy enough and committed to her career right now, and I don't need to validate myself with grandchildren, so I guess it's all good!

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Hi. I live in Montreal. Have two boys, one 9 and one 12. I am so happy to finally have accepted (realized) that I am asexual (I am 51). I told a psychologist a few years ago that I never wanted to have a sexual relationship again and was very happy about it, and of course he thought I was terribly repressed and headed for trouble!

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  • 3 weeks later...

Hello everyone! It's so nice to hear  that many individuals have had or want children, despite being asexual. I have 4 kids. I lost two, and the last one was due to be born this month. I love my kids, but it's hard talking with other moms sometimes. I was called disgusting by someone I thought was my best friend. I don't tell anyone about my asexuality because it's not worth it to me to be ridiculed (often people just pity my husband and think I'm depriving him). Thank you for being here.

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  • 1 month later...

Hi! 

 

I'm new. Just found AVEN today. I love that this thread is here. I have a daughter who will be 12 this week. I'm bi-gray (I think? is that a thing?) & I'm in a het marriage. Would love a place to discuss my kid with other atypical parents and I'm guessing/hoping there may be others here in a marriage?

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi! I am 48 and have a 12 year old daughter ( only child) and also in a heterosexual marriage. Been married for 14 years. I just found  this site a few weeks ago and I am so glad! I had no idea there were other people like me!  I don't know how others feel, but when I was pregnant I thought it was the worst thing in my life! I hated it! My husband has no idea that I am this way I have been hiding it ever since we met because I I don't know how to address it  and I don't think he will take me seriously anyway he just thinks I need to take a pill and everything will be OK . We have not had sex for many years and believe me I hear about it all the time.  He is very touchy-feely and I just cringe every time he touches me.    

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I'm a married mother of 2. I always feel like no one "gets me" because I'm atypical is so many ways (not just my sexual orientation.) Parenting and marriage are such a big part of my life and identity but I often run into a wall when trying to talk with others because asexuality is not known or understood by most people. 

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  • 3 weeks later...
lookslikeiwin

Yay asexuals and parenting! My son is almost 5 months old, and my husband and I plan to have one more eventually.

 

I didn't mind being pregnant, but breastfeeding was a nightmare and I quit around 2.5 months. It still gives me nausea and shivers just thinking about doing it again, so I am not sure that is going to happen.

 

I was wondering if other ace moms felt negatively toward breastfeeding?

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