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On 2/12/2023 at 9:34 PM, Jenjenie said:

This really resonates for me, how have you been? It's not been long, did you decide to open? We are considering the same possibility for my husband, talking about it for a year. I'm struggling with the connection element - sex for me is linked to connection with him, I don't need it but very rarely can enjoy it and struggle imagining him going with someone else. I fear possible feelings for him, also the fact that I know that it will be on my mind which means I don't think we will do anything anymore, even though it was extremely rare and demanded huge effort on my part to get there, I am grieving that loss. But the thing is we are rarely in phase even when we tried, he has an interest in what we do (acts) when for me it's really just about connection and needs a lot of time, it's proven difficult. He tells me that it would be physical only for him. I'm not sure it would solve stuff but not just add another layer to deal with. I am anxious, I am afraid of my anxiety getting out of hand. Of the uncertainty we would be throwing ourselves in, in terms of emotions, safety, health. I also see that it is not reasonable to expect him/us to continue in the same way. Our children are about the same age as yours. 

 

If anyone has more info on successful open long term relationships with younger children, I would be very interested. 

Your post and MamaSquirrel's post also sound a lot like my situation! I've been with my partner for nearly 11 years and we have a 2yo and a 3yo together. We have struggled throughout our relationship with sexual compatibility issues. For the sake of his happiness I have forced myself into having sex with him for the past decade, but I'm getting to a point where I don't want to do that anymore. He's also at the point where once a month with someone who's not really into it is no longer enough for him. I struggle to see any way around it but I don't want this to break up our family unit, especially for the sake of our kids.

 

Unfortunately, for him, sex is wrapped up with general intimacy as romantic partners, and he says he can't feel truly connected to me unless we have sex. So I don't think an open relationship is going to work for him, even though I would be happy enough for him to get sex elsewhere. I do sometimes worry though that even if we were to go down that road, he might end up finding both sex and love with another woman and leave me anyway. 

 

If either of you fancy chatting please feel free to message me (or anyone else in a similar situation!). It would be nice to talk to people going through similar issues. 

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  • 3 months later...
MamaSquirrel
On 2/12/2023 at 4:34 PM, Jenjenie said:

This really resonates for me, how have you been? It's not been long, did you decide to open? We are considering the same possibility for my husband, talking about it for a year. I'm struggling with the connection element - sex for me is linked to connection with him, I don't need it but very rarely can enjoy it and struggle imagining him going with someone else. I fear possible feelings for him, also the fact that I know that it will be on my mind which means I don't think we will do anything anymore, even though it was extremely rare and demanded huge effort on my part to get there, I am grieving that loss. But the thing is we are rarely in phase even when we tried, he has an interest in what we do (acts) when for me it's really just about connection and needs a lot of time, it's proven difficult. He tells me that it would be physical only for him. I'm not sure it would solve stuff but not just add another layer to deal with. I am anxious, I am afraid of my anxiety getting out of hand. Of the uncertainty we would be throwing ourselves in, in terms of emotions, safety, health. I also see that it is not reasonable to expect him/us to continue in the same way. Our children are about the same age as yours. 

 

If anyone has more info on successful open long term relationships with younger children, I would be very interested. 

I did not see your response until just now. I'm sorry that you are experiencing something similar. We have been meeting with a therapist together for six months or so, but progress has been slow. He wants to have a sexual and emotional connection with someone, and for me, that feels very threatening. I am not a very jealous person, butIam prone to feeling lonely, left out, and jealous of social relationships people have around me. I struggle to conceive of how I could cope. But I don't want to blow up my kids' lives. It's all so challenging. I keep reading and keep feeling the same. I don't know what it would take for me to start to feel differently?

How have things progressed for you? Have you come across any useful resources? 

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fello Ace parent too, just stopping by to say hello and how wonderful it is to find people who are ace parents.

 

I ended up getting divorced with my ex when our daughter was 7. it was painful, but our opinions on what was and wasn't okay with us just couldn't reconcile. he needs an emotional connection with someone to have sex with them, and I couldn't deal with emotional infidelity, because I have always been that deeply connected with one person. I couldn't keep up the false sexual aspect of the relationship though, and on a deeper level I found that I wanted that deep emotional closeness with someone who could respect and love this side of me for what it is, rather than see it as an inconvenience or something that could be overcome with treatment.

 

In the end I wanted to be a happier person, not deeply sunk in anxiety and depression like I was last year.

 

 

 

 

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MamaSquirrel

@Galilei It's good to hear from another parent in a similar situation. I can see how you got to where you are. I think I am realizing that's where I am at too. It is really challenging. 

 

I think it's unlikely that I could handle an open marriage and be happy. But I wonder if I will regret it if I don't give it a try? Did you give it a go, and if not, do you ever wonder if it would've worked? Feel free to DM me if you'd rather talk that way! 

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1 hour ago, MamaSquirrel said:

@Galilei It's good to hear from another parent in a similar situation. I can see how you got to where you are. I think I am realizing that's where I am at too. It is really challenging. 

 

I think it's unlikely that I could handle an open marriage and be happy. But I wonder if I will regret it if I don't give it a try? Did you give it a go, and if not, do you ever wonder if it would've worked? Feel free to DM me if you'd rather talk that way! 

it is more that both of us couldn't agree on how to have an open marriage. I was perfectly fine with him getting the physical from somewhere else, the issue was that he wasn't fine without the emotionals. he didn't like using women for sex, and that is what that would feel like to him, and he also just couldn't hold with things like one night stands. He wasn't all that keen on getting anything emotional from another source either. On that side I was in agreement. I'm not poly, so having someone else in our relationship was out of the question and I felt like him having 2 emotional partners would basically be cheating. I don't regret not trying it because I feel like i just saved myself another source of pain, and honestly I know my own mind and he knows his. it was better that we step back from one another I had already caused myself enough harm by a 10 year relationship that ultimately hadn't made me happy in the slightest physically, because I was forcing myself on a frequent basis to do things i just hated.

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On 6/14/2023 at 10:20 PM, Galilei said:

it is more that both of us couldn't agree on how to have an open marriage. I was perfectly fine with him getting the physical from somewhere else, the issue was that he wasn't fine without the emotionals. he didn't like using women for sex, and that is what that would feel like to him, and he also just couldn't hold with things like one night stands. He wasn't all that keen on getting anything emotional from another source either. On that side I was in agreement. I'm not poly, so having someone else in our relationship was out of the question and I felt like him having 2 emotional partners would basically be cheating. I don't regret not trying it because I feel like i just saved myself another source of pain, and honestly I know my own mind and he knows his. it was better that we step back from one another I had already caused myself enough harm by a 10 year relationship that ultimately hadn't made me happy in the slightest physically, because I was forcing myself on a frequent basis to do things i just hated.

This has been really useful to read, so thank you for taking the time to say hi! Like MamaSquirrel, I haven't made much progress with my SO in the last few months. I was pretty sure when I last posted that I would have to leave him, but since then my SO has pretty much stopped asking for sex and I just don't have a good reason right now to do it. I'm all too aware though that this lack of asking for sex isn't going to last and that it's making him unhappy.

 

We're exactly the same in that he needs an emotional connection with sex and ideally wants that from me, not somebody else. But I can't give that to him and I'm not okay with him having that emotional connection with another woman either. I really wish he could have that connection with me in other ways - you know, cuddles, going on dates, holding hands while out and about, that kind of thing - but it's just not enough for him. 

 

I'd be really sad to throw away an 11 year relationship over something like sex. And like I said, at the moment I have no real reason to as I'm not being guilted into having sex right now. I just can't help but feel like we are essentially incompatible and are just kicking the can down the road.

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41 minutes ago, catgirl007 said:

This has been really useful to read, so thank you for taking the time to say hi! Like MamaSquirrel, I haven't made much progress with my SO in the last few months. I was pretty sure when I last posted that I would have to leave him, but since then my SO has pretty much stopped asking for sex and I just don't have a good reason right now to do it. I'm all too aware though that this lack of asking for sex isn't going to last and that it's making him unhappy.

 

We're exactly the same in that he needs an emotional connection with sex and ideally wants that from me, not somebody else. But I can't give that to him and I'm not okay with him having that emotional connection with another woman either. I really wish he could have that connection with me in other ways - you know, cuddles, going on dates, holding hands while out and about, that kind of thing - but it's just not enough for him. 

 

I'd be really sad to throw away an 11 year relationship over something like sex. And like I said, at the moment I have no real reason to as I'm not being guilted into having sex right now. I just can't help but feel like we are essentially incompatible and are just kicking the can down the road.

the thing is is that I have definitely been there with my ex. we had a 2 year period where he simply stopped asking me, and eventually he was the one instigating filing for divorce. Ultimately I realised I can't demonise him for wanting sex. he's not asexual so for him it's a thing that he needed to feel loved and wanted. not that he didn't enjoy the other stuff, but the other stuff usually led to him wanting the sexual stuff, which was always a source of frustration for him. no matter what spin you put on it, nothing is going to be as good as sex with an engaged and willing partner, and I was never going to be that.

 

 I know this might be hard to hear, but it felt just as hard on him being denied the sexual aspects of a relationship as it felt for me to have to consent to them all those times I did.

 

I feel like unless you can make the open marriage work on both sides, or find a way for both people's needs to be met, which is hard, considering one of you is asexual and the other isn't, the kindest thing you can possibly do for each other is step back. there may well be a lot of resentment in the long run, and I could never be okay with that.

 

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MamaSquirrel
On 6/18/2023 at 3:10 AM, Galilei said:

I feel like unless you can make the open marriage work on both sides, or find a way for both people's needs to be met, which is hard, considering one of you is asexual and the other isn't, the kindest thing you can possibly do for each other is step back. there may well be a lot of resentment in the long run, and I could never be okay with that.

I definitely felt like I was offering a gift when I said that I wanted to split so that my partner would be free to find sexual and emotional fulfillment without me moderating any part of it. He didn't see it that way, though. I think we're probably all in denial a bit. It's challenging to navigate. Thank you for sharing your experience. It's helpful to hear your perspective. 

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RhuberryPie

Question for any single parents by choice: how did you handle your little one (preschool age) or their classmates asking why they don't have another parent? (Mama why don't I have a Daddy / Daddy why don't I have a Mommy). My almost 3yo will refer to random people as Daddy and I calmly tell her she doesn't have a Daddy but she does have a Mama, a grandma, a grandpa, aunt, uncle, etc. I've been trying to read more books with her that portray diverse families but she's about to start a new daycare and I'm preparing for new questions. Me being ace and not wanting to have a partner is the reason she doesn't have another parent but I can't think of a way to explain that in a way she will fully grasp at this age. Would appreciate any input!

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  • 4 weeks later...

Hi — I’m both an asexual parent and the parent of an asexual teen. 
I am happy I’m my marriage, and my husband has had to accept that sex isn’t something I enjoy really. I’m not disgusted by it — just frustrated because I don’t get any real sensation. I don’t feel that this really fits my understanding of asexual as an identity — it feels more like a dysfunction really. 

My daughter is 17 and openly identifying as asexual for the past 2 years. 
Son is 13 and hasn’t really had puberty yet. No clue about him. 
We believe my husband (sexual) is probably autistic but undiagnosed. Son shows signs of ASD and possible DCD(dyspraxia). 
Both kids diagnosed as dyslexic. Daughter is now being assessed for ASD and ADHD. I’m convinced that I’m ADHD. It would explain a lot. 

I admit that I haven’t read all the old posts before posting this introduction!

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ProudAroaceMom

Hi RhuberryPie,

I'm just joining this forum now. I'm a single mother by choice of a 9yo and only realized 1 year ago that I'm aroace. Everything makes so much sense now. To answer your question about helping your child understand not having a father, I would often talk to my daughter about where she came from (I even wrote her a story book that turned her conception into a sort-of fairy tale). In the beginning, it was magic seeds that were planted in my uterus, then as she got older I would add more details. This was important because she needed age-appropriate language to share with her friends at daycare or school. It's not always easy, the other kids often don't even know where they came from, and therefore don't understand her explanations but she can now confidentially tell people that she doesn't have a dad. She knows there was a donor but that he's an anonymous stranger and that having a mama that wanted her so much is the only thing that matters.

I'm finding single parenthood quite liberating, but it's definitely hard to find others in a similar situation. Really hard!

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On 1/9/2023 at 11:11 PM, UnplannedCauli said:

Well of course, those were just examples that came to mind as I was writing. What's also missing: how to stay healthy, how to decide if a symptom is worth bothering a doctor or even ER, what kind of vaccinations adults need to take care of (i.e. every 10 years DTP, once in adulthood IPV, yearly flu - perhaps others but these three I remember), how to clean a wound, what's the difference between a medicine and a dietary supplement. The list goes on still!

How to snake a drain!

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  • 1 month later...

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