13 replies to this topic

[Aspiecat]

I'm asexual and my dh is sexual. I've always known I wasn't fond of sex, or really any sort of physical intimacy - even simple hugging or holding hands I don't like - but kept on keeping on, convinced that "it's gonna get better...surely"

I told my husband, when we started dating, that I wasn't a touchy-feely person, and that sex was difficult for me to enjoy. Still, he convinced me it was just a matter of time. This is my second marriage; the first was a long time ago and he ended it after seven months as he still wanted his first wife (yes, I've been wife #2 twice. And physical intimacy was difficult there, too, however he was immersed in his research work and although he was very much a sexual, was often busy).

Fourteen years later, interspersed the odd conversation-starter about how I need to talk about my feelings on physical intimacy (which were, to be honest, brushed off by him), we are at a crossroads. Dh still doesn't understand; he honestly believes that some therapy or pill will fix everything. I don't blame him for feeling that way, for not understanding, but he doesn't even acknowledge that I'm in pain, too. I am devastated that our marriage in in crisis, but he thinks I'm deliberately sabotaging the relationship.

I'm being accused of lying, of tricking, of having affairs, of not doing anything to contribute to the marriage....the whole caboodle. It's emotionally wearying, really, it is.

I had no idea that asexuality was such a thing - at least in the definition that is beginning to be used now - no interest in sex - and in my case, no real interest in physical intimacy of any sort. Although I *do* like the *idea* of cuddling with someone who makes me feel emotionally safe. Maybe because I've never had a cuddle I enjoyed, because I was brought up feeling scared the whole time. Any cuddles were for show to friends and extended family, so touching, to me, is emotionally attached to negativity.

Anyways, dh knows I have voluntarily seen a few therapists to see if it would be possible to "fix" my aversion to sex. They all decided no, especially since they believed I was too well-adjusted to the treatment (physical and emotional abuse) at the hands of my adoptive mother, that it was just who I was.

Who I *am*.

So. Dh has made it my responsibility to decide his future. Do I? To sexuals reading this post, do I take it upon myself to sort it all out for him? I take all the blame for the state of our crumbling marriage, and he is comfortable with that. He's told me that he either goes without, which is really not an option for him, that he finds someone new, or that I "change".

I am shattered that it's all on my shoulders, but for his sake I will bear it. We have a child, who is 12, and I want to ensure ds is protected no matter what. If I have to pretend to start enjoying physical intimacy to ensure ds is emotionally safe, I'll do that. Added into the mix is that ds and I are both Aspies, so it's double-trouble in many ways emotionally.

I'd better stop now, as I'm getting upset and teary.

Sorry for the vent....

[Void]

Hi Aspiecat,

Sorry to hear about this situation. I might say stuff now about your dh that upsets. I'm sorry if this is the case.
Your dh sounds more like a vampire then human, his need for sex is like vamps need for blood. It would only be slightly different if it was because he found *you* so attractive that he can't help himself but it is *sex* for it's own sake.
As a father where is his responsibility to secure his ds emotional safety?
Anyway the bottom line is this is domestic violence and in most 1st world countries is taken seriously.
He is asking you to consent to something forcibly by emotional black mail.
Here is a link to further info. I really recommend you talk to an agency who deal with this sort of thing and explain what your going through.
Above all take action. I keep my fingers crossed you do.

Sash

[Aspiecat]

Hi Aspiecat,

Sorry to hear about this situation. I might say stuff now about your dh that upsets. I'm sorry if this is the case.
Your dh sounds more like a vampire then human, his need for sex is like vamps need for blood. It would only be slightly different if it was because he found *you* so attractive that he can't help himself but it is *sex* for it's own sake.
As a father where is his responsibility to secure his ds emotional safety?
Anyway the bottom line is this is domestic violence and in most 1st world countries is taken seriously.
He is asking you to consent to something forcibly by emotional black mail.
Here is a link to further info. I really recommend you talk to an agency who deal with this sort of thing and explain what your going through.
Above all take action. I keep my fingers crossed you do.

Sash

Thanks, Sash. Am considering my options. It's going to be a slow process, however.

[zoidberger]

I would suggest that you show him this site and even your post. It's well-thought out and obvious that the same ideas have been on your mind for quite a while. Having just found AVEN recently now you have a place to point to to show your husband people that experience similar things. This "Sexual Partners, Friends and Allies" part of the forum can be quite helpful as there are many people going through the same thing you are. Maybe by working together and both creating an understanding of where each other is coming from you can reach some form of compromise.

I think it's something you must work at together though. It's not specifically your problem and your thing to deal with. Your marriage is a relationship and as such you are supposed to work together to find a point to make you both happy. No one will enjoy being in a relationship where it is assumed that one person has taken out all of the enjoyment of life because of this.

Good luck and I really do think showing your husband the site and working together is a good starting point.

[Skullery Maid]

First, I don't think this is domestic violence and I don't know what you would even report. He wants sex and you don't. If you can't compromise, then you need to split up. Its totally unfair that he's making you make the final decision, but someone has to do it. Essentially he has... he's thrown down the gauntlet, so to speak. Can you meet his needs? no? Then that's it.

that's not abusive. He may be being an asshole about it, but he's also probably at the end of his rope. Honesty can sometimes be crushing, and that's what I see here. He is being honest and saying "no, I can't live without sex", and if your response is "no, I can't live with sex", then there you have it.

If he's willing to check out AVEN and familiarize himself with asexuality, that may help... but really, if you guys want two different things, no amount of understanding is going to make those desires disappear.

[Aspiecat]

Thanks for the responses. I did tell him last year about AVEN but he wasnt keen to read postswritten by people who "are as dishonest and delusional as you [me] are". Believe me, his reaction these days is no better. I have tried, honestly I have, but…

Besides, right now I need a place to which I can go for just ME. Even the past few days here at AVEN have helped me, knowing there are people here who are supportive.

xx

[Sally]

I'm I am shattered that it's all on my shoulders, but for his sake I will bear it. We have a child, who is 12, and I want to ensure ds is protected no matter what. If I have to pretend to start enjoying physical intimacy to ensure ds is emotionally safe, I'll do that. Added into the mix is that ds and I are both Aspies, so it's double-trouble in many ways emotionally.

It is NOT all on your shoulders; you are partners with equal responsibility to decide what the marriage should be. Your 12-year-old son will not be happy or emotionally safe if you and your husband are both miserable. And it's not really good to pretend to enjoy sex (believe me, I did it for too long). Your husband knows you don't enjoy it; how could you fool him now? What he wants is for you to change into someone he wants you to be. That's not going to happen, nor is he going to change into someone you can be comfortable with.

This is not a good situation for any of you, son included. Please take the load off your shoulders and think about it as though you had to right to decide what's best for you -- because you do.

[Sally]

Anyway the bottom line is this is domestic violence and in most 1st world countries is taken seriously.
He is asking you to consent to something forcibly by emotional black mail.

No. As Skullery says, this is not domestic violence. Please don't dilute what domestic violence is by claiming that someone who wants sex when someone else doesn't is being violent.

[Void]

"are as dishonest and delusional as you [me] are"

Well that's a nice way to ratchet up the charm offensive. Goodness me I hope for your sake that his pillow talk is an improvement on that!

[Void]

Anyway the bottom line is this is domestic violence and in most 1st world countries is taken seriously.
He is asking you to consent to something forcibly by emotional black mail.

No. As Skullery says, this is not domestic violence. Please don't dilute what domestic violence is by claiming that someone who wants sex when someone else doesn't is being violent.

I still stand by what I said. But I can only speak from the perspective of UK law. The following question is taken from the 'Metropolitan Police Assessment Model for Domestic Violence Cases'.

"Do they say or do things of a sexual nature that make you feel bad or physically hurt you or someone else?"

I would argue that Aspiecat is being made to feel bad by the husband’s insistence on sex.

The document I referred to can be found here.

[Aspiecat]

Well that's a nice way to ratchet up the charm offensive. Goodness me I hope for your sake that his pillow talk is an improvement on that!

That is his bloody pillow talk, mon garçon.

[Void]

That is his bloody pillow talk, mon garçon.

I shouldn't laugh because that is not funny. Where did you find your ds in the 'outback' or something?

[Skullery Maid]

Anyway the bottom line is this is domestic violence and in most 1st world countries is taken seriously.
He is asking you to consent to something forcibly by emotional black mail.

No. As Skullery says, this is not domestic violence. Please don't dilute what domestic violence is by claiming that someone who wants sex when someone else doesn't is being violent.

I still stand by what I said. But I can only speak from the perspective of UK law. The following question is taken from the 'Metropolitan Police Assessment Model for Domestic Violence Cases'.

"Do they say or do things of a sexual nature that make you feel bad or physically hurt you or someone else?"

I would argue that Aspiecat is being made to feel bad by the husband’s insistence on sex.

The document I referred to can be found here.

With all due respect, finding a single question on a risk assessment that asks if a spouse is made to feel bad is in no way the same thing as it being illegal to make your spouse feel bad. Totally different things.

If I were trying to find out if someone's home was burgled, I'd ask the question "did you lock your windows?". However, not locking one's windows isn't illegal. Nor is it illegal to crawl thru someone's window. Do you see how a risk assessment question and an illegal activity are two separate things?

[Void]

With all due respect, finding a single question on a risk assessment that asks if a spouse is made to feel bad is in no way the same thing as it being illegal to make your spouse feel bad. Totally different things.

If I were trying to find out if someone's home was burgled, I'd ask the question "did you lock your windows?". However, not locking one's windows isn't illegal. Nor is it illegal to crawl thru someone's window. Do you see how a risk assessment question and an illegal activity are two separate things?

This is Aspiecat thread and I don't want to derail it anymore. I respect your point of view SkulleryMaid. There are some things I feel strongly about and perhaps I express my views to zealously. No harm intended. The important thing is that AVEN is here for Aspiecat if she needs the support.