What is 'Sexual attraction'?

[Anoi]

:unsure: :unsure:

Now I am even more confused.

So arousal and sexual attraction are two different things and sexual attraction and sexual desire are separate?

I always thought sexual attraction was a combination of arousal and desire...

Like if some guy was flirting with you and put his hand on your leg which made you feel a bit aroused and enjoyed the feeling but didn't want to take things further that is just arousal right? But if you DID want to take things further that would be the desire part... That is not sexual attraction? There is a separate feeling?

If so is it a thought or an emotion or a feeling in your body or some combination?

I feel like such a kid not knowing any of this stuff :(

Some people define asexuality as the lack of desire for partnered sex rather than AVEN's definition of lack of sexual attraction. Since sexual attraction has different definition for some people and the "lack of desire for partnered sex" is more clear to go by.

But there is a feeling that is not just arousal? It exists and people feel it?

[El-not-so-ace]

Ugh, I have to agree with what people said previously in this thread... You know it when you feel it.

[Anoi]

For me, if you drew a Venn diagram of sexual arousal, desire and attraction, they'd all intersect.in the various possibly permutations.

• Arousal is physiological, and you don't get to control consciously. It's your body on autopilot, a bit like your mouth watering. Rape victims have been known to show signs of arousal even though they obviously have no desire or attraction going on.
• Desire is wanting to have sex. It's mental, and compelling.
• Attraction is being drawn to someone, wanting more of them, wanting to look at them and touch them. Per AVEN, it doesn't have to be sexual, though a lot of sexuals (including me) have a hard time getting their heads round this idea.

So the attraction part is emotional? Also if desire just mental then how is it compelling or is it compelling because of feelings of arousal and/or attraction?

There is something I am missing.... just not sure what it is....

[greycollins]

This helped me so much. Thank you...

[Anoi]

So the attraction part is emotional?

Well, more of an urge than an emotion - like wanting to be with someone when you're missing them, or wanting to touch a kitten.

if desire just mental then how is it compelling

In the same way that having the urge dance to some really good music might be compelling, or to read more of a really good book is compelling, or get through the next stage of a game. It's mental in the sense that hunger is mental - there's a physical component to satisfying it, but the compulsion to eat is mental. (In that analogy, 'arousal' would be the feeling of your empty stomach, I guess).

I'm struggling with the idea that the compulsion is anything other than mental, to be honest.

But the attraction urge is based on a emotional feeling?

Like:

You see a friend crying -> It makes you feel sad and sorry for them -> you have a urge to comfort them and make them feel better

You see someone 'hot' -> It makes you feel excited or something? -> you have an urge to look at them and touch them or whatever

And this urge to touch happens when you see someone not just when you are already flirting/kissing/touching someone... and it has something to do with the actual person? You have an interest in the actual person and/or their body and not just your own body/feelings?

As to desire being purely mental yet still compelling... the examples you give seem to based on either emotions or physical needs.

I have the urge to dance when I'm at home because I am happy and moving my body brings me joy. I have the urge to dance when I am out because there is an energy or vibe which is exciting and I enjoy moving my body.

When I can't put a book down (even though it's past midnight and I really need to get some sleep) it's because I am at the good part and I am excited and maybe anxious to see what happens next. If I had only a clinical interest in a book I probably wouldn't even bother read it let alone feel any compulsion to keep reading.

I don't really feel hunger or I don't have any awareness of feeling. I do get cravings sometimes when I have forgotten to eat all day.... but that's a thought based on a physical need. It's my body saying "I'm starving! Eat something you idiot!"

So is the desire part just a thought (mental) in response to either the attraction (emotional?) or the arousal (physical) or is it compelling for some other reason? Is there desire if there is no arousal or attraction? Can you just think "Hey I want sex"?

Sorry for all these questions. I think I am starting to understand a bit now.

[Snowshoes]

Hi,

New to the site and feel like I am interjecting in a conversation that's been going for a while. But, I wanted to try to describe my reaction to the lady on the dated bed linen... my first reaction was to see her, not so much the bed, and it was a positive reaction. I'd enjoy being able to look at that picture on my wall, or on my computer wallpaper at work (I wish!) but if she were on MY bed, I'd feel very flummoxed. I do not know if that means I mainly like to admire women I find attractive, or wish I could get to know her better and then I might want to ... or if I am just passive. My thoughts don't turn X-rated though. Or really even R-rated. She's like art to me.

???

I'll probably post a thread to ask my questions, once I figure out what they are!

Anyway, thanks for the nice pic.

[Autumn Season]

Welcome to AVEN, Snowshoes! :)

or wish I could get to know her better

It might be different for you, but when I want to get to know someone, then I have the urge to act on it. So if you are not sure whether or not you want to get to know somebody, then maybe you really don't. Then again only you know your own feelings.

[Anoi]

I guess the middle bit of that process is there for me, but it’s fleeting, and I go straight to the wanting to comfort them, without consciously thinking ‘I feel sad/sorry for x’. There’s no explicit conscious reasoning going in my head. Same for attraction - I don’t consciously think ‘they look good’ so I’ll look at them more. I just look at them more. It’s heuristic.

I don't consciously think 'I feel sad/sorry' either... possibly I feel a pain in my heart and I am aware of it but I pretty much jump straight to wanting to comfort as well. I was just putting it that way to see where the urge came from and relate it to things I have felt.

(It’s not excitement particularly - it’s more similar to aesthetic attraction in intensity, though obviously sexual in nature).

It’s entirely to do with the other person, specifically. I would probably have been thinking about something entirely non-sexual, I see them, and I have that urge to touch/look at them. There isn’t some conscious internal battle going on where I’m having to stop myself doing it though. I just don’t do it, which is a learned response I guess, in the same way that though you might have an urge to touch Michelangelo’s David when you see it in front of you, you just don’t because of the guards, roping off, social expectations etc. If they weren’t there, you might well touch it. Similarly, if you know the person you’re attracted to likes you touching them, you might well touch them.

I think I understand this now. I was having a hard time understanding how just looking at something could provoke any kind of urge... but I guess this is like when a baby smiles at you and they are so damn cute you just want to squish their cheeks... and you probably would if it were your kid or a friends kid.

Apart from the actual act of dancing, and the act of putting food in your mouth, those are all mental, aren’t they - the book one especially. I agree the joy/energy/excitement/anxiety are emotional rather than rational, but emotions are still mental - they’re in your brain. But there’s no rational, analytical reasoning going on, which is maybe what you’re referring to when you say ‘mental’ as opposed to ‘emotional’.

Sorry for the confusion. Yes, both the thought process and emotions are mental. I tend to separate them in my mind when trying to figure stuff out. Since there is so much overlap (thoughts causing emotions, emotions causing thoughts, emotions causing physical feelings, physical causing... etc.) I break them into three categories and refer to thoughts (without emotion) as the mental.

I’m not sure if it’s because you’re typing this stuff out, but I get the impression you’re doing more conscious processing of events in general than I do (mostly). If I get up to dance, I’m not consciously thinking ‘I’ve noticed an energy and vibe in this music, and if I moved my body to it, I’d enjoy the physical sensations that brings’. I’m just thinking ‘Oh, dancing. Yeah, that would be good’, and then I do it.

It's not a conscious thought for me at the time either. In fact I am often dancing before I realize I feel like dancing.

I do have a bit of an obsession with analyzing things later though. I like to think about different thing/experiences and dissect them to better understand... which is what I am doing here (with your help ^_^ )

Desire, for me, isn’t in reaction to anything except (presumably) the chemicals in my brain. I can (and do) just think ‘hey I want sex’. (I don't understand the difference between this and libido - they seem like the same thing to me). There can be desire if there’s no arousal or attraction, though it’s more likely at least one of them will be there. I might feel randomly aroused, and my brain thinks ‘hey, you’ve got a hardon, you must want sex’, or I feel desire and I think about someone I’m attracted to, and then I get aroused. My experience of this stuff is that the different elements are entwined and reflect back off each other, spiralling more intensely together.

Ah ok. I think I have felt this sometimes but about kissing and being physically close to someone not about sex. Not anyone in particular (girl, guy, tree, whatever lol) and not for any particular reason (though there is usually alcohol involved) I just want to kiss someone.

This is all breaking it down into separate steps in a way that seems counter-intuitive to me, as a sexual person, and it’s taken a bit of thought to break it all down, and I’m not entirely sure I’m right.

Breaking it down has been really helpful and I think I understand it all now... Well it seems to make sense to me now where before I didn't have a clue what anyone was talking about.

I literally used to think there was only sexual arousal and then yes/no decision based on level or arousal or how horny someone made you feel. :redface:

Anyways thank you for your patience with all my question!!!

[chromanebula]

For me, if you drew a Venn diagram of sexual arousal, desire and attraction, they'd all intersect.in the various possibly permutations.

• Arousal is physiological, and you don't get to control consciously. It's your body on autopilot, a bit like your mouth watering. Rape victims have been known to show signs of arousal even though they obviously have no desire or attraction going on.
• Desire is wanting to have sex. It's mental, and compelling.
• Attraction is being drawn to someone, wanting more of them, wanting to look at them and touch them. Per AVEN, it doesn't have to be sexual, though a lot of sexuals (including me) have a hard time getting their heads round this idea.

So - again for me, you could combine them:

• Arousal plus desire - wanting sex but the feelings aren't aimed at anyone in particular. Generalised horniness.*
• Arousal plus attraction - your body thinks you want sex with someone in particular, but your brain doesn't.* As in, you're pissed off with your partner, who you fancy like mad, and find yourself getting physically turned on by them anyway. Our brains seem to confuse different types of arousal (EG anger and sex)
• Desire plus attraction - wanting to have sex with someone, but your body's not playing ball. Impotence, for instance.
• Arousal plus desire plus attraction - you want sex with someone specific and you're hard/wet (delete as appropriate)

I'm sure there's tons of exceptions, but that would seem how the principles would play out. Neurologically, I think there might be tendency for our brains to assume when there's any two of these going on, the third is too - it's to do with what's called peripheral processing, where we learn over repeated instances that x+y generally equals z, and for the sake of efficiency, make the assumption every time we come across x+y, it equals z, because mostly it does. Then on the odd occasions it doesn't, we're in trouble.

Other than intellectual curiosity, I don't actually see where that gets us though. In practice, sexuality's mediated by a boatload of other stuff too, like context, health, age, societal expectations....

*This happens to me and it's really annoying, because it creates that nagging doubt in my mind. Am I really asexual if I like someone and the physical responses are "correct" for sexual attraction, but I'd refuse an offer of sex because I'm not into it and actually somewhat repulsed? I can only ever see myself doing it if the repulsion is overcome by an emotional bond and gradually increasing physical exposure.

[newMasturbator]

It's hard to describe a feeling like this. To me, sexual attraction means that the female body arouses me. Seeing a naked male body doesn't inspire any interest or arousal, so I know the difference between sexual attraction and no sexual attraction.

[GloomyGhost]

So... how about when you stare at people's (both men and women) butts/legs/muscles, you can find the person attractive and hot, but you don't feel any physical response, any urge, it doesn't make you want anything or even think of sex? Is that a mild sexual attraction or something?

[sailornaruto39]

The concept of arousal being separate from attraction is my problem with the whole thing. Wouldn't arousal be a subset of attraction?

The wikipedias for the concept of "Sexual attraction" and "Sexual desire" seem like good umbrella terms and are the definitions I subscribe to

I find it especially strange how some asexual have a purely "biological" response to visual arousal. How does that not imply at least some baseline of attraction? I feel like exclusively defining attraction as (the for for sex) is a bit misleading. Wouldn't an asexual that gets aroused at the site of someone imply some sort of attraction?

If they weren't attracted how do they managed to get aroused? Wouldn't gray sexual be a better term? Or rather, I don't think it would be unfair to think of these people as at least partly grey-A and mostly asexual.

Maybe as a hypersexual kinsey 5.8 I'm just incapable of separating arousal and attraction.

[Emery.]

The concept of arousal being separate from attraction is my problem with the whole thing. Wouldn't arousal be a subset of attraction?

No, not really. Arousal is not neccesarily accompanied with attraction. Aroursal is in your junk, attraction is in the head. So if something arouses you, you don't necessarily want to have sex involving it. Arousal can be random and not related to your actual feelings, e.g. related to adrenaline being shot to your blood or another physiological reaction, like increased blood flow after running or when you feel nervous or excited. As a general term, not related to sexuality, arousal means excitement, unrest - so this is how it connects. Attraction, on the other hand, is often accompanied by arousal but not always. Sexual attraction is wanting to have sex with someone, to touch someone, to kiss someone, to be close to their body. Attraction in general is feeling a draw to something or someone, an inclination, a willingness. So the two are quite different.

So... how about when you stare at people's (both men and women) butts/legs/muscles, you can find the person attractive and hot, but you don't feel any physical response, any urge, it doesn't make you want anything or even think of sex? Is that a mild sexual attraction or something?

No. E.g. a straight woman can definitely find another woman hot and beutiful, but not feel attracted to her - i.e. not having the slightest desire to make out with her, kiss her etc. It's like... You might think a cake looks good but not feel the want to eat it?

[oversizedsweaterr]

For me, if you drew a Venn diagram of sexual arousal, desire and attraction, they'd all intersect.in the various possibly permutations.

• Arousal is physiological, and you don't get to control consciously. It's your body on autopilot, a bit like your mouth watering. Rape victims have been known to show signs of arousal even though they obviously have no desire or attraction going on.
• Desire is wanting to have sex. It's mental, and compelling.
• Attraction is being drawn to someone, wanting more of them, wanting to look at them and touch them. Per AVEN, it doesn't have to be sexual, though a lot of sexuals (including me) have a hard time getting their heads round this idea.

So - again for me, you could combine them:

• Arousal plus desire - wanting sex but the feelings aren't aimed at anyone in particular. Generalised horniness.*
• Arousal plus attraction - your body thinks you want sex with someone in particular, but your brain doesn't.* As in, you're pissed off with your partner, who you fancy like mad, and find yourself getting physically turned on by them anyway. Our brains seem to confuse different types of arousal (EG anger and sex)
• Desire plus attraction - wanting to have sex with someone, but your body's not playing ball. Impotence, for instance.
• Arousal plus desire plus attraction - you want sex with someone specific and you're hard/wet (delete as appropriate)

I'm sure there's tons of exceptions, but that would seem how the principles would play out. Neurologically, I think there might be tendency for our brains to assume when there's any two of these going on, the third is too - it's to do with what's called peripheral processing, where we learn over repeated instances that x+y generally equals z, and for the sake of efficiency, make the assumption every time we come across x+y, it equals z, because mostly it does. Then on the odd occasions it doesn't, we're in trouble.

Other than intellectual curiosity, I don't actually see where that gets us though. In practice, sexuality's mediated by a boatload of other stuff too, like context, health, age, societal expectations....

*This happens to me and it's really annoying, because it creates that nagging doubt in my mind. Am I really asexual if I like someone and the physical responses are "correct" for sexual attraction, but I'd refuse an offer of sex because I'm not into it and actually somewhat repulsed? I can only ever see myself doing it if the repulsion is overcome by an emotional bond and gradually increasing physical exposure.

Exactly me.

This is where I've always been confused with where my identity is at-As I do experience sexual attraction, and do find people hot, but I don't particular want to actually have sex with that person.

The desire is still there, but not when aligned onto a certain person. If that makes sense.

[kevbot200]

Just a question.... Do people experience sexual attraction before they date someone for the first time or see someone as a "crush" ?

[chromanebula]

For me, if you drew a Venn diagram of sexual arousal, desire and attraction, they'd all intersect.in the various possibly permutations.

• Arousal is physiological, and you don't get to control consciously. It's your body on autopilot, a bit like your mouth watering. Rape victims have been known to show signs of arousal even though they obviously have no desire or attraction going on.
• Desire is wanting to have sex. It's mental, and compelling.
• Attraction is being drawn to someone, wanting more of them, wanting to look at them and touch them. Per AVEN, it doesn't have to be sexual, though a lot of sexuals (including me) have a hard time getting their heads round this idea.

So - again for me, you could combine them:

• Arousal plus desire - wanting sex but the feelings aren't aimed at anyone in particular. Generalised horniness.*
• Arousal plus attraction - your body thinks you want sex with someone in particular, but your brain doesn't.* As in, you're pissed off with your partner, who you fancy like mad, and find yourself getting physically turned on by them anyway. Our brains seem to confuse different types of arousal (EG anger and sex)
• Desire plus attraction - wanting to have sex with someone, but your body's not playing ball. Impotence, for instance.
• Arousal plus desire plus attraction - you want sex with someone specific and you're hard/wet (delete as appropriate)

I'm sure there's tons of exceptions, but that would seem how the principles would play out. Neurologically, I think there might be tendency for our brains to assume when there's any two of these going on, the third is too - it's to do with what's called peripheral processing, where we learn over repeated instances that x+y generally equals z, and for the sake of efficiency, make the assumption every time we come across x+y, it equals z, because mostly it does. Then on the odd occasions it doesn't, we're in trouble.

Other than intellectual curiosity, I don't actually see where that gets us though. In practice, sexuality's mediated by a boatload of other stuff too, like context, health, age, societal expectations....

*This happens to me and it's really annoying, because it creates that nagging doubt in my mind. Am I really asexual if I like someone and the physical responses are "correct" for sexual attraction, but I'd refuse an offer of sex because I'm not into it and actually somewhat repulsed? I can only ever see myself doing it if the repulsion is overcome by an emotional bond and gradually increasing physical exposure.

Exactly me.

This is where I've always been confused with where my identity is at-As I do experience sexual attraction, and do find people hot, but I don't particular want to actually have sex with that person.

The desire is still there, but not when aligned onto a certain person. If that makes sense.

You're thinking just like me! My case is confusing, because I've felt attraction (although most of it isn't sexual), and I've felt (hypothetical) desire, but never both at the same time. I guess I could call myself gray in theory (my imagination) but full-blown ace in practice (once the situation is actually real).

[19ace91]

Chromanebula, I feel pretty much the same about these things. I've figured out the nearest I am to is lithromantic.

For me, if you drew a Venn diagram of sexual arousal, desire and attraction, they'd all intersect.in the various possibly permutations.

• Arousal is physiological, and you don't get to control consciously. It's your body on autopilot, a bit like your mouth watering. Rape victims have been known to show signs of arousal even though they obviously have no desire or attraction going on.
• Desire is wanting to have sex. It's mental, and compelling.
• Attraction is being drawn to someone, wanting more of them, wanting to look at them and touch them. Per AVEN, it doesn't have to be sexual, though a lot of sexuals (including me) have a hard time getting their heads round this idea.

So - again for me, you could combine them:

• Arousal plus desire - wanting sex but the feelings aren't aimed at anyone in particular. Generalised horniness.*
• Arousal plus attraction - your body thinks you want sex with someone in particular, but your brain doesn't.* As in, you're pissed off with your partner, who you fancy like mad, and find yourself getting physically turned on by them anyway. Our brains seem to confuse different types of arousal (EG anger and sex)
• Desire plus attraction - wanting to have sex with someone, but your body's not playing ball. Impotence, for instance.
• Arousal plus desire plus attraction - you want sex with someone specific and you're hard/wet (delete as appropriate)

I'm sure there's tons of exceptions, but that would seem how the principles would play out. Neurologically, I think there might be tendency for our brains to assume when there's any two of these going on, the third is too - it's to do with what's called peripheral processing, where we learn over repeated instances that x+y generally equals z, and for the sake of efficiency, make the assumption every time we come across x+y, it equals z, because mostly it does. Then on the odd occasions it doesn't, we're in trouble.

Other than intellectual curiosity, I don't actually see where that gets us though. In practice, sexuality's mediated by a boatload of other stuff too, like context, health, age, societal expectations....

*This happens to me and it's really annoying, because it creates that nagging doubt in my mind. Am I really asexual if I like someone and the physical responses are "correct" for sexual attraction, but I'd refuse an offer of sex because I'm not into it and actually somewhat repulsed? I can only ever see myself doing it if the repulsion is overcome by an emotional bond and gradually increasing physical exposure.

Exactly me.

This is where I've always been confused with where my identity is at-As I do experience sexual attraction, and do find people hot, but I don't particular want to actually have sex with that person.

The desire is still there, but not when aligned onto a certain person. If that makes sense.

You're thinking just like me! My case is confusing, because I've felt attraction (although most of it isn't sexual), and I've felt (hypothetical) desire, but never both at the same time. I guess I could call myself gray in theory (my imagination) but full-blown ace in practice (once the situation is actually real).

[Neko-tama]

This whole "sexual attraction" thing is super confusing for me, not gonna lie.

I'm fairly certain I'm asexual...and in the end if I want to label myself, I'm the person who gets to decide what to use. For me, I have no desire to have a sexual relationship with anyone ever. I have never had sex and I'm okay with that. In fact, I'm awesome with that. I don't want touched, I don't wanna be touching. I see people who would be considered very physically attractive, and I agree...in an almost scientific way. "That guy as very nice abs, I bet he works out a lot. Wonder how many crunches I'd have to do to get those...." "That woman has a very beautiful face. Wish mine was that symmetrical...."

All of that makes it seem like, yeah, 100% asexual. But then there are times that the damn body can have a physical reaction. I'm not a fan of going into graphic detail...but there are physical responses as a female that usually show arousal. TMI: Those instances have/still happen to me. This can happen when watching a sex scene in a movie, reading a sex scene in a novel/fanfiction, when I was trying to convince myself I was a lesbian and trying to fantasize about who to date and what to do, fantasizing about romantic relationships/sensual relationships. The damn human body is a honey badger and it does what it wants.

To me, though, that doesn't = sexual attraction. To me, I have never looked at a person and ever thought...man, I'd love to get it on. Ever. I might want to get to know them better...or want to have a close relationship with people...but it never gets to the point of a desire for the horizontal tango. Any thoughts of sex for me are always so clinical...what would I do if? How would I do it?

So for me? That's what sexual attraction is. It's got to be more than just body responses, but also the mental thought of, "I want to go there with that person." Sorry for the long-winded/TMI response.

This is exactly how it is for me too. I was a little unsure until a few minutes ago if I actually am asexual, but I already concluded the answer was yes. Thanks for... being like me, I guess. ^.^

[levelskid]

I'm kind of confused too. Pretty sure I was grey, but when I looked at the picture, my heart beat got quicker and I got a little aroused but I had no desire, and the attraction started to disappear. Asexuality is tricky.

[confusionlieshere]

I looked at the picture and the first thing in my mind was "dam she has nice skin tone" then it immediately rerouted to "how is that pose comfortable" and kind of derailed into artistically examining her (few) clothes because skin tight clothing is hard to draw for me and it's amazing how people can design something that shows so much skin and yet actually covers things up.

...then I examined at the headboard

[simpl3x]

I looked at the picture and the first thing in my mind was "dam she has nice skin tone" then it immediately rerouted to "how is that pose comfortable" and kind of derailed into artistically examining her (few) clothes because skin tight clothing is hard to draw for me and it's amazing how people can design something that shows so much skin and yet actually covers things up.

...then I examined at the headboard

I had to go back to the first post to recall this picture people are mentioning, but this is so me. I look at it and I'm just like...girrrrl, what are you doing? That doesn't look comfortable at all. Just lay down, take a nap. Dang, those sheets are tacky. And then I just give up, because, ugh, silly picture. *facepalm*

[Frozen Fairy]

member25959, on 18 Jan 2012 - 6:39 PM, said:

And PiF's humorous analogies:

sexual attraction..it is what it is..most do know what it is..but for some reason want to personalise and there starts the confusion

so to give the over thinkers a helping hand here is my opinion on sexual attraction

BE WARNED..A RUDI PICTURE FOLLOWS

Caution: Spoiler contains dated bed linen

so in a room a sexual, a demi/semy/grey, a repressed sexual and an asexual all see the above picture and say

sexual...I would fuck that all day long and ride her like a race horse

demi/semi/grey...I would fuck that all day long and ride her like a race horse..as long as i knew her well enough first and i liked her

repressed sexual...I aint looking

asexual..ooo nice bed linen

I'm looking at it and thinking, 'lucky b**** I wish I was that skinny and pretty'. What does that make me?

[levelskid]

member25959, on 18 Jan 2012 - 6:39 PM, said:

And PiF's humorous analogies:

sexual attraction..it is what it is..most do know what it is..but for some reason want to personalise and there starts the confusion

so to give the over thinkers a helping hand here is my opinion on sexual attraction

BE WARNED..A RUDI PICTURE FOLLOWS

Caution: Spoiler contains dated bed linen

so in a room a sexual, a demi/semy/grey, a repressed sexual and an asexual all see the above picture and say

sexual...I would fuck that all day long and ride her like a race horse

demi/semi/grey...I would fuck that all day long and ride her like a race horse..as long as i knew her well enough first and i liked her

repressed sexual...I aint looking

asexual..ooo nice bed linen

I'm looking at it and thinking, 'lucky b**** I wish I was that skinny and pretty'. What does that make me?

A normal girl.

[Jturpin0527]

The linen comment was spot-on for me. I still have no idea what sexual attraction is. Wish I could go buy some. Would be so much simpler to be a normal boorish pig. Banging bitches yo. Ha ha ha. I crack myself up.

[Tarfeather]

Would be so much simpler to be a normal boorish pig. Banging bitches yo. Ha ha ha. I crack myself up.

Yes, because normal sexuals are boorish pigs. -_-

[Guest]

The linen comment was spot-on for me. I still have no idea what sexual attraction is. Wish I could go buy some. Would be so much simpler to be a normal boorish pig. Banging bitches yo. Ha ha ha. I crack myself up.

...it's a minority of sexual people who are like that. Many only desire sex with someone once an emotional connection has developed, as an intimate expression of their love for each other. They still have a regular life outside of that, just like any asexual person. The only difference is they desire partnered sex sometimes.

[SpeedinThroughSpace]

I read all of this thread by now. Some of it is enlightening, a lot of it is "Oh, really? Wow!" and some of it stays "You cannot be serious, right?"... So, all in all, I'm still as confused as when I came here.

I would say the woman with the very bad taste in bedlinen on the first page is attractive. But I do not desire sex with her, I don't want to get to know her, I don't get any fantasies about her. I look at women I find attractive the same way I look at paintings or nature. With a case of "oh, pretty!". I greatly enjoy looking at anything I find pretty, hence I also greatly enjoy looking at women. From what I gathered from AVEN's definitions, this is aesthetic attraction.

The problem is, I used to think it's sexual attraction. When I was 13 or so, I discovered I find girls enjoyable to look at, while boys are "just there". Since it's not a topic that anyone really bothers explaining to you, I (and I assume the same goes for some other people) figured things out through a mixture of observation and own experiences. The observation teenaged me made was that people seem to pick out their romantic and sexual partners based on who they find pretty (men, women, both, etc). So, I concluded that which people you find pretty defined your sexual orientation, and was thus called sexual attraction. I also concluded that beautiful people are referred to as hot, sexy and the like, opposed to beautiful objects for example. I figured it just a sort of special vocabulary used in this context.

I have never looked at a person, at porn or at anything else and found it would turn me on. I get turned on either directly by touch or by the anticipation of touch (similar to mouth watering in anticipation of tasty food, the body also learns that some activities will lead to physical pleasure and anticipates those). Or randomly, when my body decides it would enjoy getting off now.

And I went 12 years thinking this is what it is like for everyone. Sure, I find porn weird and didn't understand the appeal of it, but I also don't understand the appeal of a lot of other popular things (horror movies, for example, I literally have no clue why people would watch them). And I'm sure a lot of people don't like porn.

But I would enjoy a guy's night out with my friends where we'd admire good-looking women from afar, pointing out to each other who we find hot. I also enjoy looking at pictures of women I find attractive. I never got the idea I was not like everyone else. Sure, I never understood why people who go desperate without having sex (I find sex not bad, but not really overwhelmingly amazing either). I just thought it wasn't important to me.

Then I researched asexuality for curiosity (didn't know much about it, wanted to close the gap), and found pretty much everything about it could be easily applied to me. It was quite a wow experience. Now I have no need to label myself as sexual, or as asexual. I really just want to learn more about myself. I currently feel like there is something going on that's important for a lot of people and I didn't know it was there. Makes me feel stupid.

Right now I'm longing to understand the perception of attraction. I find it really hard to wrap my mind about the idea that people actually think sexual thoughts about strangers they find attractive. If you put me in a crowded place and give me an hour, I'll certainly find a lot of women I find attractive. Is it really so that you'd have sexual thoughts about all these people? I can't really imaging my friends meant "I would have sex with this person if the opportunity presented itself under the right circumstances" whenever they said they find someone hot. It seems bizarre to me. Wouldn't that get really distracting?

Once or twice, I heard people say "She/he was pretty, but not in a sexual way". So, people seem to be aware of the difference. I'm not. If, like some people have explained earlier in this thread, sexual attraction is like a pull, a longing or even accompanied by physical sensations (be it mild butterflies to actual arousal), I've never felt it. I think I'd like to; it sounds pleasant and exciting. But I just... can't imaging everyone always gets this feeling whenever they see someone hot. It seems like it would be overwhelming to me. So do people get used to it and thus it isn't too much? Is it usually a mild feeling, only stronger in some cases? A difference like "I like this painting" and "I like this painting so much I have to hang it up on my wall at home"? Some people here described sexual attraction as mental, not physical. So, it is like enjoyment vs longing?

How does someone distinguish "hot" and "pretty"? Do they go hand in hand? Are people usually hot and pretty at the same time? Do those of you that experience sexual attraction see it as separate concepts (which sounds weird to me, but hey)? Or is it like hot being one step up (in a sense) from pretty? Like, hot people being exceptionally pretty and thus stand out to you?

I'm sorry if I'm getting on everyone's nerves with these long posts and stuff. But I feel like I'm a kid again and discovered there is this complex topic I don't get, and I want to get it. It is like super important to the people around me, and I feel like I missed on it and probably didn't understand them very well at times and might have been unhelpful when they wanted my support. I want to get what sexual attraction is about. I can only get it by asking questions and thinking about it. Sorry if it seems redundant or annoying to you guys. I would really love some answers.

[WinterWanderer]

I feel somewhat proud for reading all 333 posts through to the end.

So, for me...

I've thought people were attractive before, and I've been aroused by them. But that was never accompanied by any sexual fantasies, any desire to see them undressed, to get to know them, or to be physically close to them, and especially not to have sex with them. I've never had a moment in my life when I wanted to have sex with anyone, and I have no desire for sex at all.

For me, there is arousal, and there may or may not be attraction (honestly, all the different definitions of attraction still confuse me). But there is absolutely no desire for sex. Even if I was in a room with a hot celebrity, and I could do anything I wanted with them, I wouldn't feel any urge to. I'm just not interested in sex.

And for me, all of that makes me asexual. Because there is no pull to sex, no desire to even be close to the people I've found attractive.

What do y'all think? Would you call me asexual?

[SpeedinThroughSpace]

Speedy

Here's how it works for me (crossposted from another thread but it seemed relevant...). It doesn't really play nice with the way AVEN tends to slice things up, because as a sexual, that slicing just isn't how I experience it.

The nearest I get is something like this: I see a woman (being a straight bloke) and think, she's attractive, she'd probably look nice naked. Possibly imagine her naked. This is most definitely sexual. This is *not* what AVEN calls aesthetic attraction - John Hurt has an aesthetically compelling face; I can see Nicole Kidman is classically pretty much perfect. I don't feel that towards them. The attraction I'm talking about comes from some deep-seated appeal of curves, proportions, ways of moving, and is closest to 'I wouldn't *not* have sex with her'. No stronger than that. I don't want to have sex with her at this point. If she came up to me and said 'how about it, no strings, no consequences, come and bang me senseless' I'd be more repulsed than anything. Quite apart from someone capable of that sort of behaviour probably being unstable, there's no connection, nothing really to set her apart from all the other women who are equally physically sexually attractive at first sight.

To get to the point of actually wanting sex with her, I'd want to know her better and finding something compelling in who she was, that we had some kind of mental connection to pull us together. Generally with me, it's a sense of humour, but could be as simple as being a nice, smart person. As a bare, rock bottom minimum, not being a lunatic and/or bitch. But it's not an instantaneous thing. Needn't take long, a few minutes could be enough, but it's not 'on sight'. It requires interaction. Only if that happens, and other things being equal, (partnered status, opportunity, mood) I'd be at the point of thinking 'I want to have sex with her'. This isn't being demi - that would mean there was no sexual element initially, and there was. It's not being grey. I love sex and want plenty of it. I think it's way closer to how most sexual people operate than not. It's also nothing at all to do with how AVEN salami slices attraction, which entirely ignores the idea that people have to connect to have any kind of attraction, and sees the whole deal as some kind of progress of aesthetic/physical/sexual divisions.

Thanks for elaborating (either here or elsewhere). This sounds a lot more like something I can see the average person experiencing. I have made the acquaintance of a handful of individuals that might actually be closer to deciding to bang people on sight (or they are a real lot of talk and not serious about it), people who claim the intent to dump their girl/boyfriend in a while because "banging the same person too often gets boring". Actual quote that. But I don't think most people are anything like that, and this sort of people aren't the ones whose mindset I am going to understand, or those I will be friends with, so I am nowhere near required to understand their way of thinking.

What you describe is still nothing I have experienced this way, but it is something that sounds relatable in a way. It's like having a basic desire to do something, but only when circumstances fit. For those in a committed relationship, I suppose it will be more along the lines of appreciating a stranger's look, but only actually wanting sex with their partner. Right?

The salami slicing confuses me a lot, to be honest. I used to think there's attraction, in different levels, sorta. Like, enjoying a person's look, way of moving, personality etc being a different level/sort of attraction than crushing on someone or being in love with them. Love I understand. I've been in love and there is no way you could misunderstand this feeling. I also found the girl I was with very beautiful. I just didn't care about sex, but I was okay with trying it because she wanted to and I was curious. I would be okay with having sex again should it come up at some point. It was fun, but I have like no intrinsic motivation to do it. Still, deviding attraction into so small categories seems weird, and it will probably seem weird to a lot of people.

Let's not get started on all the terms even. ;-) They seem like a whole different language to me...

[Nomiverse]

Finding someone attractive in a lust way