What is 'Sexual attraction'?

[Ceebs]

10 minutes ago, Sally said:

Exactly.  I had sex with my partner because I wanted to make him happy.  I did NOT have any intrinsic desire for sex for my own pleasure.  If I wanted sex for my own pleasure, I wouldn't be asexual.  

Yep.

 

Of course the other person's pleasure is often -- hopefully -- a motivating factor for sexual people as well, sometimes that's even the primary thing for me because I just really enjoy being able to do that for someone else, but my own pleasure is always a big part of it too. I wouldn't enjoy consistently having sex that was solely for someone else's benefit, so I can certainly understand why many asexuals would tire of it over time. (Not that all do, it can work for some people, but it's common. Most people don't jump at the chance to do things for years on end that they don't truly enjoy for its own sake themselves.)

 

So yes, if your partner's happiness and fulfilment are why you're having sex, @Qiri -- and to be clear, there's nothing wrong with that as long as you're truly comfortable with it; asexuals are certainly capable of consenting to sex -- then that's still consistent with being asexual.

[Qiri]

On 4/21/2024 at 4:16 AM, Ceebs said:

intrinsic desire for sex for your own physical and emotional pleasure.

 

On 4/21/2024 at 5:59 AM, Sally said:

I did NOT have any intrinsic desire for sex for my own pleasure.

 

This really resonates with me so much; you've both put it so much more eloquently and succinctly than I could have! Thank you!

 

On 4/21/2024 at 4:16 AM, Ceebs said:

Where it does seem to matter is... let's say you're 50 years old and you had one or two crushes as a teenager and then nothing at all until you met someone else at the age of 30 and fell for them. Most people have experienced varying degrees of attraction to others far more often than that by the age of 50. I'd say I'm definitely on the low end compared to most people, but if you count even the most superficial and fleeting instances of attraction, at the age of 39 I've still found far too many people attractive in one way or another to even remember, let alone count. 

I'm 39, and have only had one instance that I highly suspect was sexual attraction to someone in real life. Not just thinking a person was super attractive, but beyond that to the point of actually wanting to have sex with them. My partner said he experiences sexual attraction at least once a week while out and about (and he's not a huge social butterfly at all; this is just interacting with and observing people while going out for work, shopping, appointments, etc). I've found maybe 2-3 fictional characters attractive sexually while my partner has a whole list. Based on this comparison (granted, just to one person), I would say I it's rare for me to experience it (hence, I'm suspecting I might be in the grey area).