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What is 'Sexual attraction'?


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Grace Shelby

I'm new and generally very confused about my sexuality. Thus why I came here for answers. It's been on my mind for way too long why I'm the way I am. I'm starting to really accept that I believe I am asexual but the one thing that confuses me about being asexual is the definition itself, which is why I came to this thread. I understand that it means not having sexual attraction, but when I read, "Sexual attraction - Seeing someone and not only finding them attractive, but thinking you'd like to have sex with them, like fantasies and such," I became even more confused. I'm sorry if this has already been asked or talked about, I haven't read all the pages of this thread, but the part that confuses me is where it's stated, "like fantasies and such." In my searching to find answers, many times I read that it's normal for asexuals to still have sexual fantasies and it doesn't mean that you aren't asexual but all it is is just a fantasy, it's not real. So say I had a fantasy of me having sex with a particular celebrity, it's just a thought. If I was face to face with said celebrity, I wouldn't have any interest in having sex with them or being sexual with them, because I have no interest in sexual activity at all. Clearly up this confusion I have here is a big part of me determining whether I think I am asexual or not. Plenty of people have told me I'm just not ready, or that I need to try sex to know. But I refuse to accept that, being 20 years old and fully understanding this isn't something I'm not ready for, it's something I just plain and simple do not want to do and have no interest in. My last boyfriend left me after only being with him for a month because he quickly realized I wasn't comfortable doing anything sexual. After constant pressure, he gave up and broke it off, knowing he wouldn't get anything from me. This is probably too much information now that's not necessarily important or related to my initial question, but in sum, I'm looking for a clear definition of sexual attraction and whether fantasies are not had by asexuals and if that will be my determining factor in what my sexual orientation is. Thanks for reading x:

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I'm new and generally very confused about my sexuality. Thus why I came here for answers. It's been on my mind for way too long why I'm the way I am. I'm starting to really accept that I believe I am asexual but the one thing that confuses me about being asexual is the definition itself, which is why I came to this thread. I understand that it means not having sexual attraction, but when I read, "Sexual attraction - Seeing someone and not only finding them attractive, but thinking you'd like to have sex with them, like fantasies and such," I became even more confused. I'm sorry if this has already been asked or talked about, I haven't read all the pages of this thread, but the part that confuses me is where it's stated, "like fantasies and such." In my searching to find answers, many times I read that it's normal for asexuals to still have sexual fantasies and it doesn't mean that you aren't asexual but all it is is just a fantasy, it's not real. So say I had a fantasy of me having sex with a particular celebrity, it's just a thought. If I was face to face with said celebrity, I wouldn't have any interest in having sex with them or being sexual with them, because I have no interest in sexual activity at all. Clearly up this confusion I have here is a big part of me determining whether I think I am asexual or not. Plenty of people have told me I'm just not ready, or that I need to try sex to know. But I refuse to accept that, being 20 years old and fully understanding this isn't something I'm not ready for, it's something I just plain and simple do not want to do and have no interest in. My last boyfriend left me after only being with him for a month because he quickly realized I wasn't comfortable doing anything sexual. After constant pressure, he gave up and broke it off, knowing he wouldn't get anything from me. This is probably too much information now that's not necessarily important or related to my initial question, but in sum, I'm looking for a clear definition of sexual attraction and whether fantasies are not had by asexuals and if that will be my determining factor in what my sexual orientation is. Thanks for reading x:

From what I've heard from most asexuals on this forum is that sexual fantasy is indeed just fantasy if you do not intend to act on it, and if so that could definitely make you asexual c: it's basically saying "if you wouldn't actually do it in real life, no matter how much you fantasize or think you want sex, you are very likely asexual" from what I understand.

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WhenSummersGone

To me it goes sexual desire = horny and sexual attraction = I want to have sex with x. I think sexual attraction is more specific but sexual desire is just wanting sex.

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Vampyremage

To me it goes sexual desire = horny and sexual attraction = I want to have sex with x. I think sexual attraction is more specific but sexual desire is just wanting sex.

Sexual desire is more than just feeling horny. One can feel horny and simply feel the desire to masturbate. I suppose it could be argued that this is an example of directionless sexual desire. However, sexual desire is traditionally seen as a desire to have partnered sex rather than simply a desire to get off, so to speak.

Speaking from the perspective of a grey demisexual who has never experienced sexual attraction but does occasionally feel sexual desire and who was previously asexual, when I feel sexual desire it is most definitely directed towards my husband. Before transitioning to grey demisexual, however, my libido still acted upon on occasion and I still felt that need to go an masturbate, but there was no accompanying sexual desire.

Sexual attraction can be seen as that spark that sometimes happens when you perceive a person and sexual sexual feelings or fantasies result. There isn't necessarily an accompanying desire to actually do anything about them, even if in a perfect world, but there is some feeling of flash of something sexual.

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WhenSummersGone

Well libido and sexual desire are two different things. I still believe that if your desire is directed towards someone like your partner I think you're sexually attracted to your partner. You would only sleep with them and no one else. That's just my opinion though.

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Vampyremage

Well libido and sexual desire are two different things. I still believe that if your desire is directed towards someone like your partner I think you're sexually attracted to your partner. You would only sleep with them and no one else. That's just my opinion though.

The reason why I say I experience sexual desire directed towards my partner but not sexual attraction is because I feel as if, once experienced towards someone, sexual attraction is a relative constant. Thus, once you're sexually attracted to someone its not something that is going to come and go randomly, usually. There are cases, of course, where over time sexual attraction experienced towards someone will grow or shrink and possibly disappear entirely, but the change is usually going to be relatively gradual. Thus, sexual attraction exists towards that person whether or not one is feeling sexual desire.

Sexual desire, on the other hand at least in my personal experience, is something that only really exists when one is feeling horny, so to speak. When I'm not feeling any need for sex I don't feel sexual desire for my husband or anyone else. On the occasions when I do feel a need for sex, its definitely directed towards my husband. Thus, I state that I feel sexual desire and not sexual attraction.I believe if you feel sexual desire towards your partner it doesn't necessarily imply sexual attraction, although probably the two usually occur together.

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  • 2 weeks later...
WhenSummersGone

I think sexual attraction is similar to that physical attraction sexuals talk about, except aesthetic attraction makes more sense to us. Based on what I see from sexuals they experience a sexual feeling based on looks that asexuals don't.

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  • 1 month later...

I believe the difference between sexual attraction and sexual desire has to do with whether or not one actually feels an innate want of having sex with a specific person. That is to say, an individual may see someone and fantasize sexually about that person; they may even masturbate to fantasies about that person. Clearly, that person is experiencing sexual attraction, however unless that individual might also potentially want to act upon that attraction were all other circumstances ideal, that is not sexual desire. Sexual desire usually, although not always, occurs simultaneously with sexual attraction

I feel like this is the way to define sexual attraction and sexual desire too.

As far as the statement on the banner on top of this forum goes, I'd say, "An asexual person is a person who does not experience sexual desire," would be way more accurate. I think sexual attraction (apart from romantic feelings) could be a way to define wether your hetero, bi, gay, etc. whereas desire makes you either sexual or asexual.

It's definitly hard to define no matter how you look at it, esp. because everyone has their own interpretation of words, even more so when you throw arousal, aesthetic and sensual attraction and into the mix. For sexual people, all of these terms pretty much go hand in hand, for (gray) asexuals, they're all seperate and you can basically give them all meaning yourself as it seems to be so unique and different for everyone.

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  • 2 weeks later...
nerdperson777

The asexual process of defining:

1. Robot brain reads question.

2. Searches brain for answer

3. Answer received: Does not compute, 404 Error, Division by Zero

4. Approaches refrigerator for answer

5. Retrieves pi or cake

6. Answer found

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ItsALongHardRoad

It's a physical pull and a sense of euphoria accompanies it.Personally,I find it very enjoyable and I won't think of sex right away,just a very strong pull towards that person.That's the only time that I don't feel sex is dirty because I only imagine the sensation,not the body parts.

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It's a physical pull and a sense of euphoria accompanies it.Personally,I find it very enjoyable and I won't think of sex right away,just a very strong pull towards that person.That's the only time that I don't feel sex is dirty because I only imagine the sensation,not the body parts.

interesting. So your saying enough emotional attraction to someone can translate to sexual attraction? Or at least make it more tolerable? PS I'm new!
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WhenSummersGone

It's a physical pull and a sense of euphoria accompanies it.Personally,I find it very enjoyable and I won't think of sex right away,just a very strong pull towards that person.That's the only time that I don't feel sex is dirty because I only imagine the sensation,not the body parts.

interesting. So your saying enough emotional attraction to someone can translate to sexual attraction? Or at least make it more tolerable? PS I'm new!

As a Demisexual I can say that a strong emotional connection can later turn into sexual attraction. For me it takes weeks or even months.

Also welcome to AVEN! :)

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  • 2 months later...

In their official FAQ, AVEN defines sexual attraction as the desire for partnered sexual contact with someone else.

I'd take it a step further and say that sexual attraction is finding someone attractive in a way that makes you want to have sex with them. Many asexuals think people are hot, even in a sexually arousing way (ie may masturbate thinking about the person), but there is a massive difference between being sexually aroused, and desiring partnered sex (which is needing genital stimulation with and by* someone else* before one can be fully sexually satisfied)

Looking at someone and feeling horny, even thinking about that person when one masturbates, that's not sexual attraction. Looking at someone and thinking they're hot and because of that *wanting to have sex with them* that's sexual attraction. Sexual Attraction is the desire to have partnered sex with a person you find hot. sexual attraction is NOT the mere act of finding another person hot, as many people seem to think, it has to be combined with a desire to have sex *with* that person for it to be sexual attraction. If the desire for partnered sex (genital stimulation with and by them) is not there, then it's only sensual attraction, not sexual attraction.

Feeling arousal obviously doesn't equate to wanting partnered sex. Wanting partnered sex is feeling arousal and *needing someone else there to help you relieve that arousal*.

I think AVEN does a pretty good job of explaining sexual attraction in their FAQ (you can see their exact description in my signature) but I was confused about sexual attraction for ages before I found their official FAQ (I have no idea why they don't put in a more visible place, I had been here maybe 8-9 months before I found it) there are still flaws in their FAQ examples (They seem to think masturbating while thinking about another person and desiring partnered sex with that person are the same thing -they're not, obviously) but their basic description of sexual attraction is very clear. I originally thought I was an asexual who felt sexual attraction because I find people 'hot' (in more than an aesthetic sense) I just gave no desire for partnered sex with people who I find hot, no matter how aroused I am. After finally discovering AVENs definition of sexual attraction, I now know that I feel sensual attraction, not sexual attraction (that's all the same feelings involved with sexual attraction, minus the desire for partnered sex, regardless of the level of ones libido)

:cake:

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Thanks for the brilliant description. I was finding it difficult to grasp the whole idea of sexually attraction. Finally, I think I get it.

After finally discovering AVENs definition of sexual attraction, I now know that I feel sensual attraction, not sexual attraction (that's all the same feelings involved with sexual attraction, minus the desire for partnered sex, regardless of the level of ones libido)

I used to call it physical attraction, but I think I'll use the term sensual attraction from now on.

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Thanks for the brilliant description. I was finding it difficult to grasp the whole idea of sexually attraction. Finally, I think I get it.

After finally discovering AVENs definition of sexual attraction, I now know that I feel sensual attraction, not sexual attraction (that's all the same feelings involved with sexual attraction, minus the desire for partnered sex, regardless of the level of ones libido)

I used to call it physical attraction, but I think I'll use the term sensual attraction from now on.

Glad to be of some help :)

I tend to avoid the term physical attraction because the term is often confused with sexual attraction ..however I think physical attraction is appreciating someone's aesthetic values (ie she has nice shaped hips, lovely eyes etc) without actually desiring to be sensually or sexually active with them. Sensual activity is kissing, touching, even being naked together etc, just no actual genital stimulation of each other (which would be partnered sex) even if arousal is involved. Many people get aroused during sensual activity but for asexuals that doesn't lead to a desire to actually have sex (genital stimulation) with the other person.

Sensual attraction can also be feeling aroused by someone and masturbating while thinking about them, without actually desiring partnered sex or sensual intimacy with them.

So (to me) physical attraction is pretty much aesthetic attraction: appreciating aspects of someone's appearance etc, and sensual attraction is pretty much all the feelings involved with sexual attraction (desire to be intimately close, maybe even arousal etc) without the actual desire for partnered sex (genital stimulation with and by each other)

Those are just my personal definitions though.. they just make it easier for me to understand myself :3 others may disagree with me of course :cake:

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newMasturbator

For me, sexual attraction means I can get aroused by a person's body. Sounds a bit strange but, think of it this way:

a man undresses in front of me, nothing happens to me. A woman undresses in front of me and I get an erection and also mentally aroused.

The only difference between the 2 is their body. My brain finds a female body sexually stimulating and finds a male body unstimulating.

This is NOT linked to libido. Libido is a physical urge to achieve orgasm specifically. Libido is the urge to release sexual tension.

It is possible to experience sexual tension and not feeling a need for a release of that tension. That is sexual nonlibidoism, and that is what I am.

So to conclude: sexual attraction and libido are completely different and not necessarily related. As a matter of fact, there are many sexuals with a low libido and there are many nonlibidoist sexuals who don't even know they are nonlibidoist because they confuse sexual attraction with having a libido. That's also why many sexuals believe asexuals are people who necessary have no libido, because they think libido and sexual attraction are related. They aren't.

So libioist asexual and nonlibidoist sexual are both valid and real world combinations.

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For me, sexual attraction means I can get aroused by a person's body. Sounds a bit strange but, think of it this way:

a man undresses in front of me, nothing happens to me. A woman undresses in front of me and I get an erection and also mentally aroused.

The only difference between the 2 is their body. My brain finds a female body sexually stimulating and finds a male body unstimulating.

This is NOT linked to libido. Libido is a physical urge to achieve orgasm specifically. Libido is the urge to release sexual tension.

It is possible to experience sexual tension and not feeling a need for a release of that tension. That is sexual nonlibidoism, and that is what I am.

So to conclude: sexual attraction and libido are completely different and not necessarily related. As a matter of fact, there are many sexuals with a low libido and there are many nonlibidoist sexuals who don't even know they are nonlibidoist because they confuse sexual attraction with having a libido. That's also why many sexuals believe asexuals are people who necessary have no libido, because they think libido and sexual attraction are related. They aren't.

So libioist asexual and nonlibidoist sexual are both valid and real world combinations.

I am a libidoist asexual, and I actually do find women attractive in a sexually arousing way. For me, this is just my body's natural response to seeing a gorgeous naked woman (generally in certain poses, doing certain dodgy things haha.. and only in pictures or film, I don't get myself into these situations in real life :p)

HOWEVER

Despite experiencing arousal and having a libido, I have no actual desire for partnered sex with people who I find attractive.. I literally just have no desire to share genital stimulation with another person, not because i'm genital repulsed (quite the opposite) I just don't enjoy sex (can't enjoy something that I don't want). Nothing would change this for me: it wouldn't matter if I was in love with this gorgeous woman thought she had an amazing personality etc.. I still would have no desire to have actual partnered sex with her. She can carry on, on her own merry way, and I may think about her next time I masturbate (though I prefer to think about fictional characters) but .. meh.. if she offered me sex, I'd politely turn her down, because I'm just not interested in it. I can also find men and especially transgender etc attractive in a sexually arousing way, depending on how my libido is that day, but I still would turn down any sexual contact with them if offered.

This is why I agree with AVENs definition of sexual attraction: the desire for partnered sexual contact with another person.

However I prefer to describe it like this: Sexual attraction: Finding someone attractive in a way that makes you desire partnered sex with them.

And then there's Sensual attraction, which can be all the feelings involved with sexual attraction, minus the actual desire for partnered sex (that's why I define myself as a sensual asexual)

For me, an asexual person is a person who has no innate desire for partnered sexual contact, regardless of the level of their libido.. and although that sounds like I'm going against AVEN's definition of asexuality (if one merely looks at their banner definition) if one actually reads their definition of sexual attraction, my definition and AVEN's definition are pretty much the same thing :)

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butterscotchwm

Sometimes when I try to distinguish between sexual attraction, desire, and libido, I get really fricken jumbled up! Most people just use the terms interchangeably to mean almost the same thing, but it really wasn't until I found this community and tumblr when I found people who can REALLY analyze it... Is there a scientific study or a book someone wrote what's being referenced when people talk about the differences between sexual attraction, desire, and libido? Cuz I would like to read that...

And then of course, there's other types of attractions, which I think I have a much better understanding of.

I tried explaining to my mom about a month ago that I was asexual. She kept trying to convince me that I just had a low sex drive, and was more invested in other things besides sex. (Apparently, because I'm in college, my brain is too full and there's just "no room for sexual desire.") But I remained persistent and I told her, "No, mom, I just don't get sexually attracted to people." Then she said, "But you think boys are cute, right?" And I said, "Well yeah, some boys look cute to me." And then she said, "Well that's a TYPE of sexual attraction!"

Really? Fricken really? I think a guy is cute and adorable and that makes me want to have sex with him? I THINK NOT!

(Anyways, it's hard to have a discussion with a parent when they're the ones who have authority and they have control over the conversation... Trying to take control of the conversation just kinda makes you look like a rebellious child, and your parent would frown upon you for that. At least that's kinda what it feels like talking to my mom. Sorry I made this about my mom..... again.)

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I tend to avoid the term physical attraction because the term is often confused with sexual attraction

Yes, that's precisely the reason why I try to avoid this term too, in the future.

I've got to say I have a problem with the term aesthetic attraction, because whether or not I consider a person to be 'beautiful' depends on so much more than just their looks. I've got my own definition of beauty, so to speak, and good looks (according to society's standards) are pretty much meaningless to me.

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newMasturbator

I am a libidoist asexual, and I actually do find women attractive in a sexually arousing way. For me, this is just my body's natural response to seeing a gorgeous naked woman (generally in certain poses, doing certain dodgy things haha.. and only in pictures or film, I don't get myself into these situations in real life :P)

Well, I also find those things arousing. And I like to get myself in those situation in real life as well (real women are so much better than porn in my opinion).

But I simply don't feel any need to orgasm or release any sexual tension. I just get myself in sexual situations and in an aroused state of mind at my leisure, without any biological pressure to do anything.

HOWEVER

Despite experiencing arousal and having a libido, I have no actual desire for partnered sex with people who I find attractive.. I literally just have no desire to share genital stimulation with another person, not because i'm genital repulsed (quite the opposite) I just don't enjoy sex (can't enjoy something that I don't want).

I think I understand what you mean. It's just another variation among endless possibilities. Everybody has a unique sexuality. You just don't want partnered sex, that's very normal in my eyes. Although I think there is a big difference between not feeling any physical/sexual attraction and actually feeling attraction but just having no desire to share genital contact, as you say. But I think you can rightly call yourself asexual, even though every asexual is different. :)

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  • 3 weeks later...

so in a room a sexual, a demi/semy/grey, a repressed sexual and an asexual all see the above picture and say

sexual...I would fuck that all day long and ride her like a race horse

demi/semi/grey...I would fuck that all day long and ride her like a race horse..as long as i knew her well enough first and i liked her

repressed sexual...I aint looking

asexual..ooo nice bed linen

Wait... I aint looking. Does that mean I'm not asexual!!?? *panics as whole identity is stripped away

If it makes me uncomfortable and I have to look away, does that mean I'm a repressed sexual? What's a repressed sexual?

help. please.

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so in a room a sexual, a demi/semy/grey, a repressed sexual and an asexual all see the above picture and say

sexual...I would fuck that all day long and ride her like a race horse

demi/semi/grey...I would fuck that all day long and ride her like a race horse..as long as i knew her well enough first and i liked her

repressed sexual...I aint looking

asexual..ooo nice bed linen

Wait... I aint looking. Does that mean I'm not asexual!!?? *panics as whole identity is stripped away

If it makes me uncomfortable and I have to look away, does that mean I'm a repressed sexual? What's a repressed sexual?

help. please.

Not looking because you are a sex-repulsed or sex-averse asexual is completely normal. Don't worry. ;)

Check this out for more info:

http://luvtheheaven.wordpress.com/2014/08/01/carnival-of-aces-july-2014-round-up-of-everything-submitted/

Lots and lots of people posted their experiences there.

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so in a room a sexual, a demi/semy/grey, a repressed sexual and an asexual all see the above picture and say

sexual...I would fuck that all day long and ride her like a race horse

demi/semi/grey...I would fuck that all day long and ride her like a race horse..as long as i knew her well enough first and i liked her

repressed sexual...I aint looking

asexual..ooo nice bed linen

Wait... I aint looking. Does that mean I'm not asexual!!?? *panics as whole identity is stripped away

If it makes me uncomfortable and I have to look away, does that mean I'm a repressed sexual? What's a repressed sexual?

help. please.

Don't let posts by PiF get to you. He's banned, and not without reasons.

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Full disclosure, I'm the luvtheheaven person who hosted that entire Carnival of Aces which I linked you to, and I am a sex-repulsed wtfromantic ace now, who doesn't really use AVEN anymore but rather sticks to tumblr and the wordpress blogs... but who does still track this particular AVEN thread. ;) I have other posts on my luvtheheaven.wordpress.com blog that discuss my own sex-aversion in depth. Everyone's different, not all asexual people are repulsed, but some are, and repulsion/aversion comes in so many different degrees too.

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"Sexual attraction" isn't something that I can fully understand. I feel like in order to understand it, it's something I would have to feel, physically.

I've asked my friends and it seems self-explanatory. You interact or see someone, and something inside of you has this sudden urge to be with that person sexually. This urge would also be something you would easily enact on. I understand the concept to a degree, but I don't think I can fully comprehend it unless I've encountered it.

Let's compare it to fantasies. I can say, I've fantasized about certain people. It's never been anything sexual.. But more like I'm just picturing their persona or their aura. But after I've "done the deed", the thought of it repulses me in real life. Maybe it's how a fantasy would be, only it would contain sexual imagery (i.e. nudity, genitalia - eww I'm sorry for that) and happen in real life.

Or take a fetish for instance. Some asexual have fetishes. Imagine the sexual urge or attraction one has towards that inanimate object, and translate that into a gender. Maybe that's what it feels like. If that's the case, I most certainly have not experienced "sexual attraction" towards a person in a real life circumstance. If it hasn't happened yet (I'm 28), it probably won't happen period. I'm ok with that.

I still wonder what it would be like... To have such feelings towards a person. If asexuals could just turn on a switch to become sexual, would we all be sex addicts? Haha.

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What I have always struggled with regards to sexual attraction is what does it mean if you have feelings for someone (meaning you focus attention on them, and you fantasize about them while masturbating) and if you ever got the chance to do anything about those feelings, you would want to do other things with that person that many would consider sexual but not actually have sex? Now, I ID as grey-a, so having something that might be defined as a sexual attraction once in a blue moon is par for the course for many greys, so I don't think it invalidates me being somewhere on the a-spectrum.

But, it still seems like a sort of weird blurry area to find one's self in, and all of my life it has made me question my orientation endlessly (before I found about about asexuality, that is). What I mean is this - say you are fascinated with a certain person (real or celebrity, in my case) and you wish you could have a relationship with him/her. So you fantasize and masturbate with this person in mind, but in your fantasies you imagine not sex with the person but rather other things that are often considered to be sexual in nature or actual sex acts (other than intercourse). Other things could include oral sex, kissing, manual stimulation, kinky stuff (BDSM stuff and other things) but never actual intercourse (figuring this from my own heteroromantic angle, but for someone who is homoromantic intercourse would include whatever acts are normally considered to be sexual intercourse between two people of the same sex). In fact, if you think of having intercourse with that person during the masturbation fantasy you are turned off and your arousal plummets.

So all of my life, I'd think of someone I had a crush on and fantasize and masturbate, and I'd imagine him doing X,Y, and Z to me (in my case kinky and BDSM related stuff) but the idea of having sexual intercourse with him (meaning penis in vagina and also oral sex) would be a turn-off. This was incredibly confusing when I was in my teens, and caused me to not feel like a "normal" heterosexual. The attractions where there, but there was no desire (in fantasy or reality) for sex itself. Just wondering if anyone else feels like that, and also how that might fit into "sexual attraction" - or not.

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