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What is 'Sexual attraction'?

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AvengelAzrael   
AvengelAzrael

This explains a lot to me. I'm not questioning anymore (wish I had read this back when I was), but it does satisfy my curiosity. With these analogies and explanations in my head I feel like I can hopefully understand allosexual people better. I actually kinda get what they're talking about. Well, sort of. These explanations also help me feel more secure in my asexuality. I can't help but doubt myself sometimes, but I 100% know I'm on the asexual spectrum. I don't experience sexual attraction or desire, and I never have. I hope I never do because I will not know how to deal with it.

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Dr. Frylock   
Dr. Frylock

Hmm...so I'm not asexual after all. I definitely feel sexual attraction, but not desire, as I'm usually satisfied with hand holding, hugs, and kissing (which doesn't do much for me). I don't actually feel much in the way of drive to insert my penis into a girl, part of it might be fear of rejection as well.

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Snao Çoñé   
Snao Çoñé
3 hours ago, Dr. Frylock said:

Hmm...so I'm not asexual after all. I definitely feel sexual attraction, but not desire, as I'm usually satisfied with hand holding, hugs, and kissing (which doesn't do much for me). I don't actually feel much in the way of drive to insert my penis into a girl, part of it might be fear of rejection as well.

Do you feel attraction in the sense that you find people appealing for the same reasons sexual people do (e.g. they're pretty, funny, charming, etc)? Because if you otherwise have no desire to have sex or become sexually intimate as a natural part of a relationship, that might still be asexual.

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Dr. Frylock   
Dr. Frylock
11 hours ago, Snao Çoñé said:

Do you feel attraction in the sense that you find people appealing for the same reasons sexual people do (e.g. they're pretty, funny, charming, etc)? Because if you otherwise have no desire to have sex or become sexually intimate as a natural part of a relationship, that might still be asexual.

Yes, I find people attractive, but the desire for the act of sex itself just isn't there. Perhaps if I were to get into a relationship with someone I liked, I would be open to trying, but it's not a priority by any means.

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Janus DarkFox   
Janus DarkFox
11 hours ago, Dr. Frylock said:

Yes, I find people attractive, but the desire for the act of sex itself just isn't there. Perhaps if I were to get into a relationship with someone I liked, I would be open to trying, but it's not a priority by any means.

Exactly this, my own sexual attraction doesn't exist by itself, the feelings I have for my current boyfriend feel quite rooted with romantic and sensual feelings on some emotional and intellectual basis having a lot of things in common.

 

The boyfriend is rather quite different, I haven't met a guy that has so much sexual attraction or lust for me, well it quite put sex in a rather different perspective for me.  Sex is more available, tried a lot of things together, granted we share the same fetishisms.  Something's I really don't get sexual pleasure with, others a bit more, sort of generally works for me if there's a lot of romantic build up to it.  Works at it's best with frank communication and generally get in a situation or position that I know works when I'm on my own and then focus on my own pleasure in mind.  I was not as horny as my boyfriend, but worked out with sex in the end.

 

The romance though feels much better, like getting cuddles from behind, getting kissed, especially on the neck, darn I haven't been so submissive on a romantic level with another guy before, its spine tingling.

 

So yeah, sex isn't a natural part for me, even with it available, had a lot of questions on what I wanted to try, got an injury as a result, got the result and I guess any future relationship could be any romantic/sexual and asexual within the social groups I par take in.

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Infernales   
Infernales

Kay, um no time to read through all, but so uh, I can look at someone and go they're good looking, good body, pretty yeah okay cool, lemme just take note of anatomy, don't mind me, artist problems, but not want sex at all?

 

Or I can feel attracted but I don't like feeling that way/it's like a sick heat, or I don't want to do anything.

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martinicus   
martinicus

For me attraction and desire sometimes seem to go in different directions.

 

I'm a male. I feel desire for being hugged by much elder men who look somewhat like intelligent and authoritative professors. This desire causes sexual reaction in my body, but it is always secondary to my fantasized image of the man. I have never felt desire nor attraction to a naked body or sexual act as such, unless I have seen or imagined the face and behavior being like my "turn on" type. But when I actually meet such a person and start talking with him, I suddenly start feeling like I'm looking into a mirror and seeing my own best and worst traits, and this makes my desires and body reactions to fade out almost to nothing. So, what starts as homoromantic desires, ends up being deep friendship at best because usually elder men have interests and life style different from mine.

 

With girls it's a different story. I feel desire to hug a lady who is slightly younger and smaller than me, somewhat shy but at the same time intelligent. In this role I myself feel desire to play that "professor-guy" role and be romantic, protective and smart. If the girl does something that makes me feel more "manly", I may experience some sexual arousal, but it is always just reaction to myself feeling stronger and it is not reaction to her body. In such moments I say to myself: "Oh, she's a great girl, I like her every way and I wish to want her because she makes me feel a better man, but I can't want her, no matter how beautiful she is and how hard I try."

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M00SE   
M00SE

Attraction and desire..... Oh boy.

So for me, I desire women of fiction, women like Shizuru Fujino, Banba Shinya, Valmet, Erza, Ymir, Fate, or Shizuma from Strawberry Panic to name a few. Theyre mostly twisted powerful females of anime...It is very much a fetish and hobby of mine. Im attracted to personality with actual women whose traits are similar to the personalities of the anime women I drool over. This does not, as one would say 'turn me on' but it does grasp my interest. If a nice lady and I became close and I were to accept physical contact from her--hugs , hand-holding, snuggling and what have you its...Nice. It makes me feel like an actual human being who isnt completely driven by Japanese fantasy. Lol  I admire women of intellect and creativity, the free-thinkers, philosophers and fellow artists. I feel more comfortable with some common ground established. So I desire at  times admitingly, unrealistic characters of fiction. Im attracted to women and only women in a more personal and emotional level and it pleases me in a child-like sense of wonder to pursue a woman in an awkward non-sexual way. I also desire cheesecake. Its a forever burning, old flame of mine. Anyone brings it up and Ill literally talk dessert for hours drooling at the mouth. Triple chocolate and caramel cheesecake is the closest thing Ive ever gotten to third base.

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DisplayNameHere   
DisplayNameHere

So, for me, if I look at porn and that makes me desire an orgasm (but not doing the stuff myself), is that sexual desire? I am so confused and wish it were just a simple answer :(

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litanies   
litanies

So today someone mentioned that "being asexual" is black and white.  So I looked up AVEN's definition of asexuality, and that led me here.

 

I don't see how asexuality can be a black and white subject even with AVEN's definition, being as there are 23 pages of uncertainty here as to what constitutes various levels and layers and types of attraction.

 

So here's me as something demisexual-ish.  In my everyday life, I've always said I regularly experience sexual attraction, but that I'm almost never attracted "to" anyone.  

 

But now I think I'd refine that to say that I can casually appreciate the sex appeal of a person.  I really don't know if that is "sexual attraction" or not.  There's no physical response.  There's no emotional response.  But I'm emotionally flat anyway, so I don't know how that factors into things.  It's more that I think someone is nice to look at.  I can "fancy" them in an abstract sense, but I probably will never have any interest in actually doing anything sexual with them ever (I've experienced that kind of interest a handful of times in my life).  If they're physically attractive, having them decorate my environment is nice.  It's very much the old cliche about leaving the painting on the wall.  There's no urge.  Any fantasies I do have are no more concrete, viable or serious to me than fantasies about leading some secret double life as an assassin.  Indeed, if they show an interest in me, there is a good chance I'll experience repulsion in return.

 

Is this what AVEN defines as sexual attraction, or not? 

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Bazinga   
Bazinga

I went through a sexual phase for one month nearly 6 years ago. I know what it feels like. You feel physiologically aroused and you think that having sex with that person would be pleasant. Above all, you want to touch that person in an intimate manner. Thats what it feels like.

 

*Ive actually gotten blood work done and the doctors said that there was no medical issue or hormone imbalance. It s been six years since I felt like that, so I doubt my asexuality is a phase.

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robot_apricot   
robot_apricot
On 4/24/2017 at 3:28 PM, Infernales said:

 yeah okay cool, lemme just take note of anatomy, don't mind me, artist problems

ME

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Pepperplz   
Pepperplz

Ok ok ok - I think I got it.... 

sexual attraction has to be interpersonal. 

(???) 

it's directed at a specific person (or maybe something they do?). 

 

Then desire is just in general going on a nice walk and you look at the blue sky like-" you know what sounds nice right now? That thing the media says is entertaining and physically pleasurable" (sex)  

<I'm a virgin> 

but there's no important person¿

 

Does that sound right?

someone help me with this 

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Snao Çoñé   
Snao Çoñé
3 hours ago, Pepperplz said:

Ok ok ok - I think I got it.... 

sexual attraction has to be interpersonal. 

(???) 

it's directed at a specific person (or maybe something they do?). 

 

Then desire is just in general going on a nice walk and you look at the blue sky like-" you know what sounds nice right now? That thing the media says is entertaining and physically pleasurable" (sex)  

<I'm a virgin> 

but there's no important person¿

 

Does that sound right?

someone help me with this 

Sounds sort of right. Sexual attraction doesn't need to be a specific person - like how heterosexual men are attracted to women in a general sort of way, but one may also be attracted to an individual woman in a specific way - and desire isn't always just *right now*. There can be an underlying need a person has that requires to be tended to through sex with other people. Like if someone says "I really have to get laid" it's not targeted towards anyone. Or if someone just wants a relationship and is thinking more about the romantic/emotional fulfillment, if sex is a natural part of that relationship for that person that's still sexual.

 

Asexual people, or people not interested in sex then and there, can still think "the media says it's pleasurable, so I'm going to do it" and that's not desire per se. It's curiosity, or it's conforming to expectations, but one could just be doing things they've learned to do through media/friends/whatever other socialization, and going with the flow when it comes to sex even though it's not really what they want.

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Bazinga   
Bazinga

As a former sexual, I can explain my experience of sexual attraction:

1) There is a physical reaction when you see the person naked

2) There is a desire to touch the person

3) There is a mental desire to fantasize about sexual scenarios involving you and the person

4) There is a desire to make those fantasies a reality (you want the fantasies to happen)

 

However, those feelings disappeared and I haven't felt them for the past 6 years. I'm now 16.

I think this whole conversation is based on semantics. The definition of sexual attraction can always be changed and stretched. The same goes for asexuality, but we should all agree on this:

 

1) Asexuals do not experience sexual urges (an burning and passionate innate desire) towards other people. We should not constantly fantasize about having sex with others AND hope that the fantasies come true. That would be sexual in nature and means that you would act on your desires if the opportunity presented itself (reactive sexual).

2) We should be able to satisfy our libido (if we have a libido) through masturbation, and we are fine without partnered sex

 

 

 

 

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Denna   
Denna

I've read these definitions so many times since I joined AVEN and I'm still confused, lol. 

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Starbucks Covfefe   
Starbucks Covfefe

I'm assuming it's when you fall "head over heels" for someone...

y'know...like when your "heart beats out of your chest"

kinda like when your "mind starts racing"....

 

i don't even know....that's just what i heard

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asexjoe   
asexjoe

Sexual attraction - Seeing someone and not only finding them attractive, but thinking you'd like to have sex with them, like fantasies and such. It's attraction to another person that at it's end wants to be physically intimate, as opposed to being attracted to someone in a way where you think, "I'd like to get to know them" or "I want to be their best friend" or "I want to be close to that person".

 

Sexual desire - The desire to actually follow through with sexual attraction. I don't consider physiological reactions to be part of sexual desire, really, because in my case I know my body responds to sexual stimulus, the difference is that my mind isn't interested. So sexual desire is another mental thing, wanting actively to perform sexual acts with another person and believing that if you do you will feel gratified. 

 

This dichotomy makes little sense to me. Both are strictly mental processes, according to whomever defined these terms, differing quantitatively and not qualitatively.

 

Defining sexual desire as "the desire to..." is circular. It doesn't mean anything.

 

And what does physically intimate mean? I don't understand this compulsion to use euphemisms instead of elucidating with the written word, the way anyone wishing to be taken seriously does.

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