What is 'Sexual attraction'?

[LittleLillie]

I'm totally repulsed by that stuff, just the idea of being involved with it makes me want to puke and I've been like this since I was a preteen so I know I have no desire for that stuff.

[MrDane]

3 hours ago, Telecaster68 said:

Children finding sex yucky is hardly a sign of adult asexuality.

...and considering the number of boys, who find girls yucky, then that doesnt match the number of adult homosexuals either. Everybody knows this. When hormones change, then a lot in the person change. 

 

I see a sligth tendency on aven towards putting asexual labels on youngsters. Putting on a dress in your preschool years and liking it, is not a bulletproof ticket to get a sexchange.

[uhtred]

I think its possible to over-analyze and to try to fit people into clearly defined buckets.  Sexual attraction can vary from a desire to immediately have sex with someone (the tear their cloths off and get to it feeling), to simply enjoying someones presence / company and finding that you enjoy each additional step of emotional and physical closeness up to and including having sex - without ever crossing a specific "red line" of "having sex".

 

Then there is the extra complication of people who feel sexual arousal but not attraction or vice versa. 

 

Then there are people who's desire sex has been diminished by experience, from generally bad experiences all they way to molestation. 

 

 

Individuals my never feel any sexual desire, may feel it only rarely or only under very limited circumstances.

 

 

I agree with some other posts that people's sexuality can be fluid until they are fully adult. A lack of interest in sex at a young age may not indicate a lack in later life. 

[Cnyb]

It seems to me that the usefulness of the concept of differentiating between sexual and other forms of attraction is mostly in exploration, in appreciating layers of complexity within a previously undifferentiated blob.

 

It isn't clear to me that such exploratory tools are all that useful for quickly describing an overall picture of a conceptual category, to express a shorthand label for a concept that compares between lived experience.  I think associations of lived experience with this or that activity done or not done, with a sense of being oriented or naturally related to sex, romance, aesthetics in a certain manner, can be conveyed better with other expressive tools.

 

I can explore what is this attraction or desire or motivation 'till I'm blue in the face, and yes I may develop a more nuanced appreciation of something, but what can I convey to myself or others as a result of that exploration.... without having to present the complexities and subjectivities of the exploration in a way that misses the point of communication (to myself or others)? The qualitative sense of difference between sexual and asexual seems best conveyed with reference to the un/importance of various activities, pursuits, degrees of interest, general relationship to sexuality, etc.

 

I.e., what is asexuality like compared to sexuality, well what is bundled up with attraction for a sexual person, what is their drive like, let's unpack it and compare, what do asexuals feel they don't get about sexual people, etc.  This engages exploration.

 

I.e., what is an asexual, well someone can orient/identify away from pursuit of sex without a sense of struggling against sexual urges or of having sacrificed sexual fulfillment.  This presents a picture.

[Daurie25]

Hello everybody!!

[Ripper]

I DO get aroused thinking about stuff like a girl I find attractive giving me a shoulder massage or hair rub. Nothing that’s sex of any kind..asexual trait or what?

[bethlehemcrane]

Sexual attraction for me is when I started to notice people walking by. I started to notice people's bodies more? If that makes sense and I would find myself looking at someone and thinking about maybe kissing them or cuddling or even sex (yes, I know. It freaked me out too) any number of things. It was something I wanted. 

 

Being a late bloomer, I wondered about this stuff a lot, even obsessed over it for a long, long time. Now that I've seen both sides of the coin, its actually really easy for me to tell the difference. It scared me the first time I saw a hot girl and thought "If she were to beckon me down a dark alleyway I'd probably really want to go with her." And it freaked me out because that was always the dumbest thing that the heroic main character could ever do. Like, don't go down the dark alleyway, dumbass! But my monkey brain was now telling me that I actually kind of wanted to take her clothes off and that was so foreign that I could not compute. (Not that I would actually go down a dark alley. That's a really bad idea, kids, don't do that please.)

 

It's also not a switch. It's taken a year for it to develop past all the different stages of attraction, so give it time if you're worried. All in all, it helped me to compare with my friends when they talk about people they like/find attractive. They usually moon over them, think about them more often, pay more attention without realizing it (Knowing the names of most of the female characters, yet forgetting the secondary male lead's name because who cares? or vice versa) and of course they have pictures of nice looking people saved to their camera roll. So many.

 

If you're still confused, consider this situation:

 

>You see someone who catches your eye at your new book club/library/walking down the hall/swim meet/etc.

>They are reasonably attractive, whatever that may mean for you. 

>They start talking to you, and you chatter back

>Eventually you come over to their house for whatever reason, and by the magical powers of fake situational decision making, you both mutually accept (without saying anything) that you could totally have sex right now if both of you wanted it. If not, you would continue as friends and nothing would be different. If you do, you are still friends but now you have had sex one (1) time. 

>Magical fake situation dictates that there will be no unintended consequences (Pregnancy, STD's, parents finding out, religious leaders finding out, them being "grossed out" or something of that caliber, them being disappointed if you don't enjoy it, etc.)

>They will not think any differently of you for refusing, and you can end it at any time you wish

>Would you do anything?

 

See, the whole thing hinges on whether you want it or not. If you would want to follow someone into an empty bedroom (regardless of whether you would actually do that in real life for fear of murder or something like that), that might be a good place to start wondering about yourself.

 

Anyway, hope this helps! If you've got questions go right ahead and message me, i've got nothing better to do and I'm passionate about this

[Tatty]

This smell analogy was really good! That was the first time I've actually understood how this sexual attraction thing works actually lol.

Nice post! It's nice that you have put together different answers to this questions and ways of seeing and explaining it. You have answered to all my curiosities about this subject.

Thanks for sharing it with us 

[soda59]

It's really confusing. I don't even really use the asexual label that much. I just say 'well I'm more on the asexual side' ...or 'I'm not very sexual ' . I guess it's because I do have aesthetic attractions to people where i go 'oooo they are soooo hottt!!!' but I would never want to have sex with them. I have described it to someone as having a more vouyeristic, hands-off sexuality too. But I definitely get the reaction around attractive people, though I'm specific about the types of people I like to look at  (pretty masculine, masculine femme , that kind of thing). I think me only finding certain body parts attractive is also confusing things too. I prefer male upper halfs, but female lower halfs.  I'm not really into genitals, either.

[lemon_lime]

Wow, trying to binge read this thread and still so confused. Back to it...

[lemon_lime]

Ok, so I have been reading this discussion for hours and here's what I have figured out so far....

 

Wait, maybe I haven't figured anything out yet...

 

So libido/sex drive is the need to release? Even if its just through masturbation? Is that right? If I am correct I don't think I have much of a libido. I rarely feel the need to release and its usually only after rare and very specific situations. And I will often rather just let it subside than bothering to deal with it. Or am I confusing libido with arousal?

 

Sexual attraction is sexual thoughts occurring when you see someone attractive? I am the least sure of this one. I will have to pay more attention in the future. I know that I can appreciate someone attractive but I am not sure if it usually makes me think anything sexual or not. If it does it is very rare or low otherwise I would have noticed before.

 

And desire is the real wish to follow through with having sex with someone? Do I feel this? Abso-freaking-lutely not.

[lemon_lime]

Is this one of those things where people say, you’d know it if you’d felt it. 

[Sweet Potato]

On 2/24/2018 at 11:24 PM, lemon_lime said:

Ok, so I have been reading this discussion for hours and here's what I have figured out so far....

 

Wait, maybe I haven't figured anything out yet...

 

So libido/sex drive is the need to release? Even if its just through masturbation? Is that right? If I am correct I don't think I have much of a libido. I rarely feel the need to release and its usually only after rare and very specific situations. And I will often rather just let it subside than bothering to deal with it. Or am I confusing libido with arousal?

 

Sexual attraction is sexual thoughts occurring when you see someone attractive? I am the least sure of this one. I will have to pay more attention in the future. I know that I can appreciate someone attractive but I am not sure if it usually makes me think anything sexual or not. If it does it is very rare or low otherwise I would have noticed before.

 

And desire is the real wish to follow through with having sex with someone? Do I feel this? Abso-freaking-lutely not.

libido causes arousal. other than that you got it all figured out

sexual attraction can be hard to pick out, especially if you are feeling sensual attraction and/or romantic attraction. This I know from experience.

[Sweet Potato]

On 1/24/2018 at 6:38 PM, Red_Star said:

Is it possible for nonlibidoist sexuals to exist? I know sexual attraction is not sexual arousal but is some amount of sex drive required to find someone sexually attractive? I've read conflicting things on here which is pretty problematic, considering how many members are asexual & all

absolutely they can! there is a whole market of libido increasing meds, home remedies and other such things targeted at sexuals with no or low libido

 

[uhtred]

5 hours ago, Sweet Potato said:

libido causes arousal. other than that you got it all figured out

sexual attraction can be hard to pick out, especially if you are feeling sensual attraction and/or romantic attraction. This I know from experience.

I think that for people who are sexual, these categories are not really all that divided. For me romantic attraction and sexual attraction are tightly tied together. Its not absolute - I can imagine wanting sex with someone I wasn't romantically attracted to - but its not very likely.  I don't think I could be romantically attracted to someone for whom I didn't feel sexual attraction. 

[ryn2]

On 2/27/2018 at 4:38 PM, lemon_lime said:

Is this one of those things where people say, you’d know it if you’d felt it. 

Having just spent a few days on and off reading the whole thread, I kind of think so.

[Living]

but how do I know what I am?
I've never felt like having sex. I practice regularly, but never feel like it.
My body sometimes responds normally, I have orgasms.
but I do not feel like or lack of sex.

 

 

[TheAP]

11 minutes ago, Living said:

but how do I know what I am?
I've never felt like having sex. I practice regularly, but never feel like it.
My body sometimes responds normally, I have orgasms.
but I do not feel like or lack of sex.

Masturbating or getting aroused doesn't mean you're not asexual. If you don't want sex, it sounds like you could be asexual.

[Kesha Wandon]

What if you want to be physically intimate with someone, including sexual contact, but just not sex? Does that count as sexual attraction?

[TheAP]

10 minutes ago, Kesha Wandon said:

What if you want to be physically intimate with someone, including sexual contact, but just not sex? Does that count as sexual attraction?

I think so. I think sexual acts don't have to include penetrative sex.

[uhtred]

22 hours ago, Kesha Wandon said:

What if you want to be physically intimate with someone, including sexual contact, but just not sex? Does that count as sexual attraction?

I think "sex" means different things to different people. It can mean intercourse, (which would imply lesbians can't have sex....), or it can mean any interaction intended to cause sexual arousal and orgasm. 

 

In my opinion, I would count any desire to gain or cause sexual arousal in another person as sexual attraction. 

[Salmiakki]

At the moment I feel this way 

I find others sexually attractive and experience sexual attraction and it seems like I have a high libido but I have no desire whatsoever to actually have sex. In fact I think I wouldn't mind at all if I never had sex in my life. 

[ZelineZed]

On 1/28/2012 at 5:49 AM, Neighbor said:

Nope, sorry, I disagree.

Those definitions simply don't work.

The above pictured faux-blond is easy on the eyes. I find her to be sexually attractive.

But I have no desire to have sex with her. None.

I do know sexuals who would have the "Hot damn, I'd love to do her!" attitude.

And I know those that would, as I do, think she is hot, she is sexually attractive, but for whom she does not "cause a desire for sexual contact with another person".

I know that a lot of electronic ink has been spilled on this topic recently, but I simply do not believe that you can define this as easily as you can define "triangle" or "book". A definition that works for this group of people is just not going to work for that other group of people. I don't think any one definition of "sexual attraction" is going to work for everyone, any more than a single definition of "love" is going to work for everyone.

I understand that defining terms is helpful for the types of discussions that crop up on these forums, but I'm drawn to a quote from earlier in this thread -

Too true. Yet the attempt is being made to take these unique qualities and make them fit our definitions. Definitions that work fine for the person doing the defining, but that can't possibly work for everyone else.

There have been threads about this where someone is saying (or coming close to saying) "No no, what you felt wasn't sexual attraction, it was sexual arousal" (or sexual desire, or vice versa, or whatever). I'm left thinking "who are you to say that this person wasn't feeling sexual attraction/desire/arousal, and was instead feeling arousal/desire/attraction?" If their feelings don't match your definition, I don't think it is their feelings that are in error. I think it is your definition.

This is a website dedicated to the topic of asexuality. We have asexuals on here for whom the very idea of seeing someone naked makes them physically ill. We have other asexuals here who are fine with having sex. That's a really broad range to fit under the "asexual" label. So why do we have such a determined effort to be so strict when we label what attraction or desire is? I just don't think it can work for everyone.

But the same thing goes on with pretty much every-thing. Every thing that is not a thing but a concept will fall under the same problem.

What is the definition of art ? What is the definition of love ? etc etc etc 

We do need to have a general understanding as to what those terms refer to, if we are going to use them at all. Even though each individual has a different relationship with art, and what they consider fit their understanding of the term may/must differ from one another, people know what it is about, when the word art is being used. 

If we don't put words on concepts, we can't discuss them. If we don't define what sexual attraction means, how can we communicate to others that - this-  (what would be defined by "sexual attraction") does/doesn't happen to me ? If we don't make the effort of putting words on ideas, communication especially that kind (through the internet) gets crazy hard. In order for us to share, feel like we belong/or not, we need common ground ; and this ground, I think, is vocabulary. 

Example (too simplified sorry, but I can't find any other analogy right now) : if we refuse to put the word purple on the color between blue and pink, because some feel that it should be called let's say orange, and others feel purple corresponds to the color between green and yellow.. how are we suppose to describe what we see? 

We already have trouble understanding what we feel (not even on the level of wording it), if we complicate wording on top of ideas, I think we are getting further away from the point, from communication. And communication is what we seek, if not as an end, at least as a mean, isn't it?

[AngelColvin]

Great read, thanks for sharing!

[Joslyn]

It basically means, you see someone attractive and your private area arts doing things that lets you know you wanna have sex with that person. You also may visualize it whether you are a boy or girl.

[Anyway]

I read this tread (the greater part of it at least) and still find this sexual attraction concept to be confusing. I understand it's all in the thoughts, which makes it hard to explain in words. And while the smelling coffee metaphor was somewhat understandable for me, I'm still wondering how to identify some situations.

 

If I understand correctly, finding someone pretty (would like to look like them) and not wanting to get close to them (for cuddle or sex) is not sexual attraction but more aesthetic attraction?

 

What if you don't find someone pretty or hot but still find yourself thinking about them in a "sexual" way. Like your curious about if they're the type to like xyz position or what their sexuality might be (gay, bi, maybe ace even).

 

What if you're thinking that you want sex and you just happen to see someone and that this person kind of becomes the other person in your imaginery intercourse? It's not the person that makes you want to have sex, you just kind of picked them up randomly in your field of vision, so that doesn't sound like sexual attraction to me...

 

What if you see someone and you find them pretty and you think they're "boyfriend/girlfriend material" without thinking that you would have sex with them?

 

Sorry if this is all a bit repetitive. I'm trying to clarify this concept that is very much confusing.

 

[Morgenrot]

The bit with the picture. I wouldnt look at the bed linens, but rather away, because to me its like seeing something im not supposed to see. As if I were to go through their underwear. Or find their secret chocolate stash.

 

Otherwise really helpful -- thanks!

[Fluffy Femme Guy]

On 2/27/2017 at 3:00 AM, Qss said:

Using the coffee metaphor above, where thinking that coffee smells good is sexual attraction and wanting to get a coffee is sexual desire, what is sexual arousal? From what I understand, sexual arousal does not necessarily constitute sexual attraction as sexual arousal can be random and not due to stimuli. So my main question is this: Is sexual arousal in response to stimuli, for example pornographic imagery, sexual attraction? Another way of putting this is, if your nose involuntarily perks up at the smell of coffee, does this mean you think that coffee smells good, or does this mean your nose is responding to the smell of the coffee independent of your thoughts?

I've known people who enjoy the smell of coffee but hate the taste. This would be a good analogy for aesthetic attraction.

[Guest Jetsun Milarepa]

I wouldn't know sexual attraction if I tripped over it, but this sounds fair enough:

On 8/14/2018 at 8:54 AM, Fluffy Femme Guy said:

I've known people who enjoy the smell of coffee but hate the taste. This would be a good analogy for aesthetic attraction.

I guess it's easy enough to appreciate good looking people but that's where it stops, in this instance.

[Brahmacarya]

This is so confusing. Hence the abominably long topics discussing various semantics.😉

But I for one had been completely misunderstanding both sexual attraction and sexual desire to mean sexual arousal. I have a crush at the moment and was very confused when I actually had to ask myself "yes but do I actually want to have sex with her?" Probing feelings around that one was the automatic question of do my genitals do anything when I think about her. Nope. It was more of the I'm interested in this person, I want us to be closer. I thought she was pretty aesthetically, but no real sexual thoughts involved - maybe just romantic ones.

But the more I get into questions of sex, gender, and sexuality it's ever more clear that I don't have a box and should stop looking for one.