Transitioning into the darkest shade of gray, then back to black :/

[Janus the Fox]

Im completly new to the Gray-A area, so be gentle :lol:

I find that my attractions are getting stronger, but it does not fit completely into the asexuality. These attractions are caused by anything in the real world, anyone attractive, a nice looking photo or even to news that someone has become available i.e. a change on someone’s Facebook status which are enough to cause a mental flash fantasy to play back in my head. These flashes are sometimes romantic and sometimes sexual in nature, which is mildly arousing at best. These flash fantasies are, as I understand it, happen very rarely which explains the transition back to full asexuality

Although, the idea of sex is getting more appealing, it is a long way off of wanting it. Maybe it’s because of my bisexual leanings but romantic attractions do lean towards women, but these minor sexual attractions are leaning toward men. I have discovered that I have a fluid libido. TMI for some nasty stuff!

[i found that I can experience different orgasms when masturbating depending on the mental image that got me aroused in the first place, these can be more than one, if the fantasy in question involves one of each gender that sometimes include threesomes involving myself], I still often get aroused by myself. I have discovered that I have a new fetish a Furry fetish, more male than female, sometimes equal, gets me going {did some research into it and I am convinced all furry fans on fan sites are bisexuals!}. Porn on the other hand has a rather odd reaction; I’m not repulsed of bisexual porn, but not turned on by it either. I can sit through an entire porn film without any reaction, very rarely a low level of arousal, there is minor repulsion to gay porn, but stronger repulsion to un-natural and unusual sexual practices. Sometimes use this repulsion to kill that annoying libido. :lol:

END OF TMI

Real life on the other hand is completely asexual, I cannot make friends, because of my bisexuality I may very well fall in love non-realistically and demi-like in nature, if there is that is a small level of attraction, these have included straight or taken men and women that could develop into an obsession [Possible behavior/personality disorder]. I find I am better off on my own or feel that "Crushing sense of loneliness" that others do yet? Friendships go sour quite quickly because of this aversion. I also made an interesting comment on Reddit that got me thinking a bit about relationships.

Sometimes when this bi-curiosity is at its strongest and persistent enough, then maybe I could have short term relationships or casual sex. I very nearly got into that situation, and then my asexuality kicked in again :/

For the long term relationships, I'll be a little more honest. If I get the typical "asexuals and bisexuals don't exist" crap, the relationship is not worth perusing. It is difficult when you fall out of love and sexual attractions (if I ever do feel those), extremely rapidly, this is the same for friends. It is a reason that I am better off on my own if everyone stop saying "love and sex is the best thing in the world and you can't be happy without it".

- PerfectlyDarkTails - I think I am a complicated bi of some sorts? created 2 days ago.

Having said this, this bi-curiosity still exists in short bursts, I very nearly got the urge to go out clubbing and try to see for myself how close to people I can get, but as quickly as this urge came, It went and the full asexuality kicked in again :/ but this curiosity is persistent enough to keep that idea of sex with both genders alive.

So that all I can think of at the moment, I know now that I fit between full asexuality, and the very dark shade of Gray(Well more of a dark purple for my bisexual leanings), so this is not a "Oh God what am I?!" post, just an introductory one :) It will be interesting digging deeper into the Grey Area. Any useful comments appreciated

[MiniLo]

Every time I read where you wrote "asexuality", I kept thinking "anxiety". Because as you say, you fantasize, you desire, and you pursue, but you get stopped cold only when it comes to real interaction with a person that you want. Do you stop because suddenly you have no drive to be physically intimate with them and don't find them attractive anymore, or is it because you're shy, embarrassed, anxious, and are afraid of making a move? The latter seems much more likely to me.

[Member33070]

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[Kitty Spoon Train]

Every time I read where you wrote "asexuality", I kept thinking "anxiety". Because as you say, you fantasize, you desire, and you pursue, but you get stopped cold only when it comes to real interaction with a person that you want. Do you stop because suddenly you have no drive to be physically intimate with them and don't find them attractive anymore, or is it because you're shy, embarrassed, anxious, and are afraid of making a move? The latter seems much more likely to me.

I've wondered about this (regarding myself) as well...

I'm still not totally convinced whether I'm hetero-demisexual or just a very reserved and cautious sexual. It's sometimes difficult to say if it's just the profound possible messiness of sex that turns me off from actually wanting to follow through on it with someone I don't know and trust very well, or if it's an actual orientation issue where I simply can't internally build a proper concrete attraction until there's an emotional/romantic connection.

Part of the difficulty is that "sexual attraction" is such a loose term. For some people it implies actual "willingness to have sex with the person", like on the spot if it was offered and seemed totally safe. For others, any sign of being able to see physical attraction in the person is labelled "sexual attraction". Obviously these two definitions can give very different results. According to the first, I'd be firmly demisexual, according to the second I'm just a very cautious sexual.

[Janus the Fox]

I've got so much stuff going on at this moment in time I should not be worrying about my identity at all, but I don't know why I am. There are these fantasies I get, some are questionable. I don't get it, I feel that I was content with my life, and now I am not. I've got my health to sort out, a funeral to prepare for, a degree to graduate from and face terrible financial hardship from eight years of unemployment, I should not be questioning my idenity, but rather my own sanity.

I have come a long way from my crippling social anxiety from my past, lost considerable weight and I am a lot more open to people than before, I felt that I was ready to get out there and do something before, but there was no feelings for people and focused only on my education, which is coming to an end soon. I believe that I have come a long way in my own regression, and obstacles are always put in my way. Having this bi-curiosity has wrecked my chances for having a normal persons life, frequent health problems have wrecked my chances for having the job I truly wanted, the economy for distroying the chance of a multimillion pound business idea and there is terrible homophobia in society that there has been hundreds have been hospitalized.

I come to learn from past experiences is that no one can be trusted anymore, I have also been burgled twice, and verbally assaulted by my own family by telling them I'm bisexual, I have not even told them about being asexual. I simply cannot love people, I don't even have friends because they too have left me. I believe that I am my happiest slipping into my fantasy world, my video games, I have more admiration for the two characters in the avatar that explains me too well. If this is mental illness that everyone keeps telling me, I cannot wait for drug induced psychosis!

I am perfect in my own way, if no one wants me for my looks, skills, intelligence and my uniqueness then I will keep to myself and society, economy and the human race will miss out on what a truly fantastic person I am.

I am anxious for my health, this hypoprolactinanema has the potential for taking what's left of my eyesight, what's left of whatever is left of my bisexuality, libido and fertility. Please refrain from calling me anxious, I have been called countless things in life such as stupid, ugly, retard plenty of other things the confidence one is thrown around a lot, trust me, I am the most confident person in miles!

Someone please reply I have lost touch of reality

[Guest]

For example, if I had a friend who said "I'm fluidly shifting between heterosexual and homosexual because I've experienced attraction for a guy and a girl today, and now I'm asexual for you because I'm not attracted to you", I would say, "Honey, you're bisexual and you don't think I'm sexy, that's all."

Asexuality isn't about not being interested in sex. It's about not experiencing the attraction. So I'm confused on how you equate asexuality with not being into clubbing or getting close to people. That's the bit that really strikes me as an anxiety thing. I know because I've been there.

Agreed. Asexuality is an orientation of sorts, not a state of being. Aroused/not aroused are states of being... wanting to have sex/not wanting to have sex are states of being. There isn't a person on this planet (ok, maybe 1 person) who is always attracted and/or desirous of sex at all times. That doesn't make all of us asexual.

I'm sexual. From what I've gathered, I have a pretty common level of sexualness. That said, I still spend the vast majority of my time not being sexually attracted and not wanting to have sex. It would be absurd for me to say that I am both sexual and asexual, however, or for me to say that... "I'm mostly asexual during the work day, but a few nights a week I fluidly shift to sexual". No no no. Again, this is confusing orientation with a state of attraction/ desire.

I'm going to use a personal example. I get a thrill out of considering and planning anonymous sex. I will post ads on craigslist for specific things, and I'll respond to the responses I get. I usually get to the point of narrowing down my options to a couple people, make tentative plans, and then I chicken out and never follow thru. The fact that I chicken out doesn't make me asexual... it just means that for whatever reason (and I have several), I just don't feel comfortable going thru with it. The attraction is there, and the basic desire for sex is there, but once I start actually imagining doing it, I feel icky and lose interest. That's not a sexual orientation thing, that's a psychology thing.

Anyway, you shouldn't do anything that you genuinely don't want to do, but what I always tell people is that, when experimenting, you need to get comfortable with being a little uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable isn't the worst thing that can happen to you. It goes with the territory of exploring new things. Only you know where the line between uncomfortable and dislike is.

I don't get it, I feel that I was content with my life, and now I am not. I've got my health to sort out, a funeral to prepare for, a degree to graduate from and face terrible financial hardship from eight years of unemployment, I should not be questioning my idenity, but rather my own sanity.

You're ok. Take deep breaths and try to remember that you are ok. Right where you sit, right this moment, you are ok.

Graduating college is one of those things that people don't talk about much, but that often causes crippling depression. My girlfriend graduated this summer, and I warned her about it... she laughed it off until it got her. It is a common reaction because everything in your life is changing. Often it means losing the people and the places that have provided you comfort. It means striking out in the world in new and different way. It means people looking at you and treating you differently as an adult instead of just a student. It is a huge life change.

You're going to be ok. Take things as they come, and remember that the world spins round and round no matter what.

[Member33070]

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[Janus the Fox]

Someone explain this part, I have no reaction to porn of any kind, I can sit there through a whole bisexual movie and my brain does no give a damn. I feel that I am comfortable with the sex, I don't possess that instinct urge, or maybe I am too much in love with myself to share with others. I have not really any desires for romance, alothough I have thought about it and I could picture romance with a woman, but not with a man. Probably I'm one of "those" bisexuals.

When is it best to start experimenting? I have a profound amount of stuff to sort out, so it wouldn't be any time soon!  

[Kitty Spoon Train]

Hi I'm just going to comment on this bit but I shall return for the rest. Busy day.

I'm still not totally convinced whether I'm hetero-demisexual or just a very reserved and cautious sexual. It's sometimes difficult to say if it's just the profound possible messiness of sex that turns me off from actually wanting to follow through on it with someone I don't know and trust very well,

I used to have this fear, and honestly it is really not that messy. Granted, yes, I am still a virgin. But I've done a lot of reading and watching amateur "voyeuristic" porn (ie basically watching peoples' sex tapes) and talking to get over this part. And it's not that messy. I was imagining literal gallons of fluid, but honestly, seems like one good towel can wipe up all the fluid that happens. Maybe two.

I didn't mean "messiness" in the physical sense, but mostly in how it's such a potentially significant and risky act...

Everything from the possibility of pregnancy, catching an STD, right through to more abstract and non-physical things, such as the person becoming attached and becoming a dangerous "Fatal Attraction" type stalker.

ie It's hard to tell sometimes if my lack of attraction and drive to sex-for-its-own-sake is based on just being subconsciously overly cautious about these risks, or whether the lack of emotional connection/intimacy/trust is the origin of the lack of attraction(ie demisexuality as an orientation). It's a bit of a chicken and egg problem that way. But I have to say: even if I somehow knew for certain that these risks were eliminated 100% with a certain random new good looking woman who approached me, I'd still not be attracted to the idea of casually having sex with her. It seems like I definitely need that base of trust and existing emotional/romantic connection first, on a very visceral level, even if somehow all the messy details and risks could be 100% eliminated.

[MiniLo]

Someone explain this part, I have no reaction to porn of any kind, I can sit there through a whole bisexual movie and my brain does no give a damn. I feel that I am comfortable with the sex, I don't possess that instinct urge, or maybe I am too much in love with myself to share with others. I have not really any desires for romance, alothough I have thought about it and I could picture romance with a woman, but not with a man. Probably I'm one of "those" bisexuals.

When is it best to start experimenting? I have a profound amount of stuff to sort out, so it wouldn't be any time soon!

There are literally limitless possibilities as to how you could narrow yourself down... from your description, you could be an aromantic demisexual, or a demiromantic demisexual, etc. When it comes to porn, I could look at images and stills 'til the cows come home, and unless I am in a very rare mood, I get nothing from them. Video porn is different for me; I'm either interested or repulsed (assuming I'm looking at similar material for all cases), depending on the mood, and only sometimes indifferent. But then, I have weird quirks when it comes to film, period.

Before I actually had sex for the first time, I was really, really anxious about it too. Phobic, you might even say, for many years. Then one day it occurred to me that my sexuality was quite different than many people's, and I became a little more okay with it (still close to zero sexual response to anyone IRL, though). But really, the only thing that got me over that hump was just doing the damn thing. Unfortunately, my path to getting there required different hoops to jump through than yours will. I don't experience primary sexual attraction to start, for instance.

As for when, nobody can tell you that. You just have to trust your gut.

I didn't mean "messiness" in the physical sense, but mostly in how it's such a potentially significant and risky act...

Everything from the possibility of pregnancy, catching an STD, right through to more abstract and non-physical things, such as the person becoming attached and becoming a dangerous "Fatal Attraction" type stalker.

ie It's hard to tell sometimes if my lack of attraction and drive to sex-for-its-own-sake is based on just being subconsciously overly cautious about these risks, or whether the lack of emotional connection/intimacy/trust is the origin of the lack of attraction(ie demisexuality as an orientation). It's a bit of a chicken and egg problem that way. But I have to say: even if I somehow knew for certain that these risks were eliminated 100% with a certain random new good looking woman who approached me, I'd still not be attracted to the idea of casually having sex with her. It seems like I definitely need that base of trust and existing emotional/romantic connection first, on a very visceral level, even if somehow all the messy details and risks could be 100% eliminated.

As a (slowly recovering?) germaphobe, I know the feeling. It's partly the reason for my monogamy; being secure in the knowledge that I'm fluid-bonded (yes I know some people hate that term) to one person, and he to me, is really comforting. And to imagine a few years ago, I was grossed out by kissing! Not really sure how I got over that hump. I went from first kiss to first sexual encounter over the course of a single busy weekend, so maybe not being given time to really "think" about what happened until it was all over and he was on the plane back home helped? Having submissive tendencies helped too, I think. If you don't get it, you won't get it, but if you're so inclined, then you'll possibly understand when I say that going along with what he wanted--because there was a lot of trust between us by then--was important to me, and that I was okay with being superficially uncomfortable.

[Member33070]

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[Janus the Fox]

I still don't get some aspects from my past though, I did have a high interest for girls and only girls. But that interest vanished for years, and recently I'm more slightly more interested in men and a little less for women. I was ready to get out there and do something when interest in women was at its peak. But my weight was a barrier, at the age of 21 I felt ready, but my health failed so the importance of sex for me was gone and I figured it was better for me to improve my qualifications. The high level of interest I once had never came back until recently. As I can explain it, it is more of a "I wonder how that feels" rather than "I am so desperate for sex and need it NOW!!" If I get this bi-curiosity satisfied, it will either change me, or probably won't want it again, It is one of those life experiences and if I don't like either or one of the other then I could make a conclusion, unless my preferences change again. :/  

[Member33070]

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[Janus the Fox]

I suppose your right Birdwing, Im done with explaining it, I've shortened it to curious and questioning and just leave it at that, I feel more happier that way, If only the rest of society stop giving damn about labels. I'm different and people should stop telling me otherwise.