Confused: Am I Demisexual or Asexual?

[Catalyst0]

Hello there, fellow AVENites!

I have a question that I'd very much appreciate your input on. Up until recently, I identified as flat-out gay/homosexual. However, ever since I can remember, I've always jokingly called myself a prude. I've always had this very traditional/conservative viewpoint that I would only have sex with somebody if I loved them and not only that, but in order to get to that point I'd have to be in a relationship with them for a fairly long time. Ideally, I knew I would like to have sex with only one person in my entire life and that person would be my soulmate. Is this naive of me? Sure. But it is what it is. (Keep in mind that I'm an athiest.)

Anyway, a few days ago I came across the term 'demisexual' on the internet and immediately it clicked. This term fits me much better than just 'homosexual.' I realized at that point that I wasn't waiting for sex strictly because of my moral standards but also because of my actual [a]sexuality. Do morals play a role? Of course. But my view on sex was being VERY much influenced by my (what I now see as) asexuality. Within the past 72 hours, I've become aware of the fact that...I have never actually been sexually attracted to somebody. I've definitely been attracted to guys before, but it's never been oriented around sex whatsoever. When I think about the person I want to be with, sex is not even a part of the picture for me. That's not what it's about at all. I've never even masturbated before. I have no desire to do that either. Where most sexuals would rather have intercourse or something of that nature, I would very much prefer to just kiss/cuddle. Relationships, for me, are all about the emotional and romantic connection. So there I was, thinking I had finally found the label for me.

However, after reading the AVEN forums and AVENwiki quite a bit I came to the conclusion that I may actually be a homoromantic asexual. The reason I think this is due to a couple of things. First of all, it says in the AVEN FAQ:

If you use sex as an expression of romantic or emotional attraction (love) rather than because you are driven to do so by a sex drive, then that need not contradict an asexual identity.

That's so me! I have no sex drive or desire. Never have. But I can see myself possibly having sex with the person I love for the above quoted reason. So basically what it comes down to is: would I be considered asexual if I had sex, not to satisfy a sexual drive or desire, but rather as an ultimate expression of love and physical intimacy? Or is this indeed demisexuality? Because although in this situation, I am - in a way - wanting to have sex, it's not coming from a sexual place. It's being used as an extension of love.

Then I came across this excerpt from Rabger's original post (he was giving examples of contingent sexual attraction) that made me further believe that I was actually asexual:

Ex.* A homo-asexual man sees a very attractive male, but does not find him sexually attractive. After developing a friendship, a romantic attraction develops and with it the desire to be physically close. This then develops into contingent sexual attraction, as sexual activity is used to express emotion. If the relationship comes to an end, and the romantic attraction fades, the contingent sexual attraction will end as well as all sexual desire.

* Uncommon among asexuals, though still possible.

^That describes me PERFECTLY. So according to this example, I would be homo-asexual. But what I'm confused about is...isn't the above demisexuality, not romantic asexuality? Or could it be considered both? My hypothesis is that at the time of Rabger's original post, the term 'demisexuality' didn't exist. So back then, people who are what we now refer to as demisexual identified themselves as asexual. And although the above example is uncommon among asexuals, as Rabger mentioned, that's pretty much irrelevant. If I'm wrong here, pleasepleaseplease correct me.

Now I'm the first to admit that labels are NOT this important. I could easily just identify as gray-a and move on. However, I'm very curious as to where I lie exactly. Before coming across these couple of things I thought for sure that I was demisexual, because I could see myself potentially having sex with somebody. But I'd be doing so for reasons different than those of sexuals. So what do you all think: am I demisexual or asexual?

- Much thanks! :)

[Midnight Lady]

Hello there, fellow AVENites!

...

- Much thanks! :)

Hey, Catalyst0! If you yourself can't put on a label on yourself and find your spot on the whole spectrum, do you think anyone else will be able to do it? :) My belief here is that it depends on what you feel. And even more: today you may feel this way, and tomorrow it will change.

I personally prefer the term "demi". But it is only because I don't like to close doors behind my back. :) I look at this label as much more open to fluidity. After all, who knows? Maybe, tomorrow I will find that prince Charming, who will drive me crazy by just one touch and with whom I will feel closely connected emotionally and intellectually (after all, I had something like that in my past). :) And I don't mind sex, and I can be turned on. The thing is that I have never had a guy in my life about whom I could truly say "Hey, we have been together so long and now I have established so many connections with him - yes, I want him!" Besides, how long is long enough??? So, there was no chance for me to check the applicability of the label "demi".

Have you had such a person in your life? I think you could say for sure if you are asexual or demi only if you have been through such experiences. If you think that sexual people are sexual because they can be attracted to strangers, and you are not - then you are definitely not sexual.

If you think that demisexuals can be attracted to people they know very well for very long period of time and with whom they have bonds - and you have had such a person in your life and nothing happened - then you are not demisexual.

So, according to the method of elimination - you are asexual! I know, many people here don't think that way. But, as I said, it is up to you how to feel about such topics! I am just one of those people "Hey, I will know for sure only when I have been in this situation!"

You can, for sure, apply my philosophy to your situation. You are more than welcome! :) I hope it was helpful. :)

[Yesteryear]

Hello Catalyst,

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone; I have been very confused about my own nature, being not sure what to call myself. However, after reading what you have said, I think that you are the individual most close to myself that I ever come across. I would also be very interested to hear the opinions of anyone else about this, since unfortunately, I don't have any more of an answer than you do. But don't worry, whatever you decide to label yourself in the end, you are still an awesome person ;)

[ada]

Well, from what you describe I would personally call you an asexual rather than demisexual. That because you'd have sex with a partner to satisfy his needs and not your own, that you don't have. Then again I'm not completely familiar with the term demisexual, but just enough to give my opinion. In the end my opinion doesn't matter the least... what matters is what you think yourself, and as you said these "labels" aren't that important. Maybe whenever you find a partner you'll see what describes you the best.