Hello from an utterly perplexed creature

[Strzyga]

Hello! :) I guess I should introduce myself very quickly (something I'm really bad at), so - I'm Strzyga which of course isn't my real name (thank god), I'm 17 and, as the title implies, I'm confused. Can I expatiate a little bit? I really need to sort this out and I have literally no one to talk to about this. I tried to talk with my best friend but she claims that this is just a phase that'll pass very quickly. I'm not sure.

Okay! So the thing is that I am repulsed by the idea of sex. Yes, I'm just seventeen. No, I don't have any experience whatsoever. So why the worry and woe? Well, I still find this issue really problematic. Ahem...

First of all, I want to say that I do not have a history of any kind of abuse. To add to that, my family are extremely liberal and irreligious - spiritual at most, perhaps, but anyway religion is not where my problems derive from.

I used to think that sex is something wonderful and special - really, I did. When I was fifteen I would sometimes roam women's websites and read articles and advice on how to have good, enjoyable sex; how to spice up your sex life; how to keep the relationship healthy and happy by having mind-blowing sex. Now when I think about that, I find it a bit creepy, heh. :P Anyway, sex interested me, the way it interests the majority of teenagers, and I used to dream of finding the 'right man' for me, establishing with him a great relationship based on trust and shared interests, and then having our first sex after three years of being together (:P). And then there would be a wedding perhaps, and children, yada yada yada...

But this changed. A few months ago (in July to be precise), I was watching TV and I came across an erotic movie. No one was in around, so I thought: 'Yaay, why not? It's not porn, after all.' True, it wasn't porny. And yes, it did turn me on. But after having watched it, I thought about it and realised that I felt dirty. What these people did did not feel right for me although there were no extreme scenes in it or anything; to me, they acted like animals and I couldn't believe how people can willingly engage in sexual activities! Now, I know that in many movies people's behaviour in such scenes is exaggerated but, honestly, how else is it going to look like in reality, then? I feel that sex is about mindless, animal-like thrusting and sweating and panting. People who say that it's all different when two people love each other are pathetic to me; they're just giving in to their animal instincts and 'love' is one of the many excuses to have sex. You don't need love to have an orgasm. Besides, I think that people to whom sex is very important in relationship are equally pathetic.

Mind you, it's not everything. It seems like some kind of ideology has grown in my mind over time (or perhaps it has already been there all the time). To further complicate things, I am only repulsed by the idea of vaginal, anal and mammary sex. This is because I hate the idea of a woman being 'naturally' submissive in sex. A woman giving a guy a blowjob is 'better', in my mind, than a woman having a vaginal intercourse because the former chooses to play that kind of a role, while the latter, well, doesn't. When you're having vaginal sex you don't get to choose who penetrates whom because only one of you has a vagina. Only one of you has a penis to penetrate the other's anus. Only one of you has breasts for the man to use them as some kind of a masturbation tool. I don't ever want to experience that kind of sex unless when trying for a baby; I don't want to be f*cked, to put it bluntly. It would be humiliating for me, as a woman. I find oral and manual sex more appealing because then you concentrate on giving pleasure to your partner, it's not selfish. I like the idea of an outercourse for the same reason.

Now, I just want to say that I do not mean to offend anyone in here since I do realise that some of my statements above might be offensive to some people. I simply wanted to be very frank about what I think of the whole matter. So, again - all that I have written above is my personal opinion, and I don't want to incite any kind of argument in here, I just want someone to know how I feel about sex and help me label myself appropriately. Funny thing, usually I hate labels but with this I just need to know who the hell I am, it's really bothering me. Am I grey-a, or simply a sexual weirdo?

[MadRat]

Hi!

I would recommend you to look at AVEN wiki at the first place and understand definitions. Give it some time. You don´t have to label yourself today. ;)

You sound to me like a person who is repulsed by certain sexual practises. I´m repulsed only by certain practises and certain aspects of sex too. I call myself gray-A because I´ve been for sure sexually attracted to one man in my whole life. It doesn´t mean I would be willing to do anything with him. But penetration isn´t problem for me (at least as an idea) - it seems more equal than giving oral sex (huge NO! for me, and even bigger NO! with swallowing... ).

Women is not always in submissive possition during penetration. She can be on the top and control the whole act.

Blow jobs are just absolutelly degrading to me, especially deep throat. A guy is pleased while a woman suffocates herself. Bleah!

I´m not OK with being naked around people, so it would be another problem.

Yeah, that´s funny how different people see the same things.

[Castor]

Hi, and welcome, i'm to inexprience and i'm 27, you just are inxprience on the topics that you want to be :P , have

[samepage1]

I feel that sex is about mindless, animal-like thrusting and sweating and panting. People who say that it's all different when two people love each other are pathetic to me; they're just giving in to their animal instincts and 'love' is one of the many excuses to have sex. You don't need love to have an orgasm. Besides, I think that people to whom sex is very important in relationship are equally pathetic.

Yeah, I agree that sex is very "animal" or primitive in nature, but I want to add a bit of perspective to that. We used to compare sex to eating a lot when I first joined AVEN. Eating is similarly primitive in nature. People give in to their animal instincts to put food in their mouths, chew it, and swallow it. Then it gets digested further, and you know how it ends. "Taste" is one of the many excuses to eat. You don't need to like the food to live.

People who think sex is very important probably seem pathetic to you because your nature is so far different than theirs. If you were to feel that sex was important, that would probably be pathetic because of how much it goes against your nature; it wouldn't be right for you. But that doesn't make it wrong for others. I know it's hard to imagine other people being so different that you can't begin to comprehend what drives them. It's a very dissonant feeling of them being foreign to you and vice-versa. I know that's why AVEN has such value to me. So, welcome.

[glass weegie]

But this changed. A few months ago (in July to be precise), I was watching TV and I came across an erotic movie. No one was in around, so I thought: 'Yaay, why not? It's not porn, after all.' True, it wasn't porny. And yes, it did turn me on. But after having watched it, I thought about it and realised that I felt dirty. What these people did did not feel right for me although there were no extreme scenes in it or anything; to me, they acted like animals and I couldn't believe how people can willingly engage in sexual activities!

Some people engage in it because they like to embrace the freedom of being animalistic. Some people relish the chance to loose control. It's about trust - this is one of the parts that builds "emotional intimacy" between partners.

Now, I know that in many movies people's behaviour in such scenes is exaggerated but, honestly, how else is it going to look like in reality, then?

I think you're answering your own statement here. It's exaggerated, and hence it isn't reality. You willingly choose to look at sex through the lens of a director's ambitious vision, and you knowingly neglect to think about how vastly different it will be in real-life, if you chose to engage in a sexual activity.

I feel that sex is about mindless, animal-like thrusting and sweating and panting. People who say that it's all different when two people love each other are pathetic to me; they're just giving in to their animal instincts and 'love' is one of the many excuses to have sex.

I used to think like this, too; heck, it's only a year ago or so that I was rigidly in the belief of this, and it led me into a mild depression just mulling and philosophizing over it. First of all, judging people who say it's different for them having sex with someone they love fiercely is very, very asinine of you. It is vastly different.

As a former romantic sexual turned heavy aromantic(though still sexual), I can guarantee you it's a massive difference (for the majority of sexual beings on this earth!) between having sex with someone you don't emotionally care for very much, and having it with someone you care for deeply.

Why should someone excuse their desire or craving for sex?

You don't need love to have an orgasm.

Have you ever gotten an orgasm before, from masturbation? A lot of women struggle with it. Your brain your biggest sexual organ in the body. For the majority of people, achieving an orgasm with someone you care for deeply can be a lot better. As said, many women struggle with getting any orgasms at all, and it usually requires practice, ease and foreplay... all of which are infinitely easier to get with a partner you trust.

Besides, I think that people to whom sex is very important in relationship are equally pathetic.

This is something I have noticed a lot of AVEN often categorize as "asexual elitism," and it's a jaded term with a hard truth to it. Just because you do not like sex( which you are perfectly fine for), you will burden yourself with so much stress, bitterness and resentment if you go thinking that all people who are different from you in regards to sex is "pathetic." If you profess to calling them pathetic, do you expect to receive any tolerance in return from any of them?

Mind you, it's not everything. It seems like some kind of ideology has grown in my mind over time (or perhaps it has already been there all the time). To further complicate things, I am only repulsed by the idea of vaginal, anal and mammary sex.

Liking one form of sexual activity is perfectly normal. Many people prefer this or that over the other.

This is because I hate the idea of a woman being 'naturally' submissive in sex. A woman giving a guy a blowjob is 'better', in my mind, than a woman having a vaginal intercourse because the former chooses to play that kind of a role, while the latter, well, doesn't.

This stems from a popular misconstructed belief that submissives just "lie there and take it" and that the dominant(or top, if you will) is doing all the work and receiving all the pleasure. Most sexual activities between a man and woman(AFAIK, it's usually more equal between two women, whilst very varied between two men) are about giving and receiving. To many minds, a woman giving a blowjob is a very submissive act, you know. A woman being penetrated through vaginal intercourse is equally submissive.

Have you ever considered you may be a dominant in bed? Maybe you like to exert control instead of being under control.

When you're having vaginal sex you don't get to choose who penetrates whom because only one of you has a vagina. Only one of you has a penis to penetrate the other's anus.

Yes, if you feel that you must have an even score(haha... oh lord, what a term to apply!) maybe you should buy a strap-on and return the... uh, favor?

Only one of you has breasts for the man to use them as some kind of a masturbation tool.

Some women like being "titty-fucked," as it is colloquially called. Not all pleasure you feel during sex is physical; remember, most partners extract a tenfold more pleasure from knowing that THEY are pleasing their PARTNER, and not THEMSELVES. That's the basic construct of dom/sub relationships. Do you think it is physically pleasing to hear your partner moan? No, it's sends a signal(just like animals do!) that the stroke or touch you are applying are having the intended effect.

I don't ever want to experience that kind of sex unless when trying for a baby; I don't want to be f*cked, to put it bluntly. It would be humiliating for me, as a woman. I find oral and manual sex more appealing because then you concentrate on giving pleasure to your partner, it's not selfish. I like the idea of an outercourse for the same reason.

There is a difference between 'fucking' and 'making love' to many people. I'm "capable" of both, but the latter makes me - personally - extremely uncomfortable because I would be faking it to my partner. I am a forced aromantic, in the sense that I can grow attached to someone, but the rational part of me refuses the nonsense, so I abstain. Prefacing with that, sex should not be humiliating. With eye-contact, smiling, appreciating your partner for the sex you're both suppose to be enjoying, there shouldn't be any room for humiliation.

Given what you have said, it seems you have an idea of sex where both partners must enjoy it in equal amounts for it to be "fair" and "right," - please correct me if I'm wrong. It's important to remember that people also have variating libido. Many women don't get orgasms, whilst most males have no qualms about having a sexual release - this is not something both of them can decide the outcome of the first time they do have sex... does that somehow make it humiliating or unfair? That does NOT MEAN(caps for emphasis) that a guy getting an orgasm, and a woman not getting one, that the guy was using the woman and she didn't get anything out of it.

Pleasure is achieved in many, many ways. It isn't so often about the physical prospect(one giving, the other receiving) but the idea that you're both pleasing each other the way you prefer it.

Now, I just want to say that I do not mean to offend anyone in here since I do realise that some of my statements above might be offensive to some people. I simply wanted to be very frank about what I think of the whole matter. So, again - all that I have written above is my personal opinion, and I don't want to incite any kind of argument in here, I just want someone to know how I feel about sex and help me label myself appropriately. Funny thing, usually I hate labels but with this I just need to know who the hell I am, it's really bothering me. Am I grey-a, or simply a sexual weirdo?

I'm not sure what label to give, as I'm not good with that. I also meant no disrespect with any of my comments - I used to have this exact mindset, but I grew to change. It's why I feel I can offer some pretty significant thoughts for you to mull over.

Please consider the fact that, whilst nothing of what you have said is wrong, a lot of the illusions stem from a very misfabricated view of sex that I don't think is healthy in ANY WAY, be you heterosexual, asexual or anything in between.

that actually cleared up a couple things for me too ^_^ thanks.

[NorthernRose]

Hello! :) I guess I should introduce myself very quickly (something I'm really bad at), so - I'm Strzyga which of course isn't my real name (thank god), I'm 17 and, as the title implies, I'm confused. Can I expatiate a little bit? I really need to sort this out and I have literally no one to talk to about this. I tried to talk with my best friend but she claims that this is just a phase that'll pass very quickly. I'm not sure.

Okay! So the thing is that I am repulsed by the idea of sex. Yes, I'm just seventeen. No, I don't have any experience whatsoever. So why the worry and woe? Well, I still find this issue really problematic. Ahem...

First of all, I want to say that I do not have a history of any kind of abuse. To add to that, my family are extremely liberal and irreligious - spiritual at most, perhaps, but anyway religion is not where my problems derive from.

I used to think that sex is something wonderful and special - really, I did. When I was fifteen I would sometimes roam women's websites and read articles and advice on how to have good, enjoyable sex; how to spice up your sex life; how to keep the relationship healthy and happy by having mind-blowing sex. Now when I think about that, I find it a bit creepy, heh. :P Anyway, sex interested me, the way it interests the majority of teenagers, and I used to dream of finding the 'right man' for me, establishing with him a great relationship based on trust and shared interests, and then having our first sex after three years of being together (:P). And then there would be a wedding perhaps, and children, yada yada yada...

But this changed. A few months ago (in July to be precise), I was watching TV and I came across an erotic movie. No one was in around, so I thought: 'Yaay, why not? It's not porn, after all.' True, it wasn't porny. And yes, it did turn me on. But after having watched it, I thought about it and realised that I felt dirty. What these people did did not feel right for me although there were no extreme scenes in it or anything; to me, they acted like animals and I couldn't believe how people can willingly engage in sexual activities! Now, I know that in many movies people's behaviour in such scenes is exaggerated but, honestly, how else is it going to look like in reality, then? I feel that sex is about mindless, animal-like thrusting and sweating and panting. People who say that it's all different when two people love each other are pathetic to me; they're just giving in to their animal instincts and 'love' is one of the many excuses to have sex. You don't need love to have an orgasm. Besides, I think that people to whom sex is very important in relationship are equally pathetic.

Mind you, it's not everything. It seems like some kind of ideology has grown in my mind over time (or perhaps it has already been there all the time). To further complicate things, I am only repulsed by the idea of vaginal, anal and mammary sex. This is because I hate the idea of a woman being 'naturally' submissive in sex. A woman giving a guy a blowjob is 'better', in my mind, than a woman having a vaginal intercourse because the former chooses to play that kind of a role, while the latter, well, doesn't. When you're having vaginal sex you don't get to choose who penetrates whom because only one of you has a vagina. Only one of you has a penis to penetrate the other's anus. Only one of you has breasts for the man to use them as some kind of a masturbation tool. I don't ever want to experience that kind of sex unless when trying for a baby; I don't want to be f*cked, to put it bluntly. It would be humiliating for me, as a woman. I find oral and manual sex more appealing because then you concentrate on giving pleasure to your partner, it's not selfish. I like the idea of an outercourse for the same reason.

Now, I just want to say that I do not mean to offend anyone in here since I do realise that some of my statements above might be offensive to some people. I simply wanted to be very frank about what I think of the whole matter. So, again - all that I have written above is my personal opinion, and I don't want to incite any kind of argument in here, I just want someone to know how I feel about sex and help me label myself appropriately. Funny thing, usually I hate labels but with this I just need to know who the hell I am, it's really bothering me. Am I grey-a, or simply a sexual weirdo?

Hello... the perplexed one.

The cake's for you.

Anyway, back to your thread, I am personally convinced that at 17, you still have a lot of exploring to do. And when I say a lot, I really mean a whole lot.

In the meantime, enjoy everything else that comes your way. You do not need to go with the flow; you'll find your niche somehow... some way. :)