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toujours

Ex-Asexual?

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Hello everyone,

It's been about a year since I had not posted anything on Aven. I was not brave enough. These have been very confusing times, and I have reconsidered many aspects of my life, including my ever joining this community. But I really need to share something, so I gathered all my strength and logged in.

Then of course there was the problem of choosing in which forum to post this message, and I just couldn't decide. In the end, I thought this would be the one. For some reason I feel this would be the most supportive and objective.

My struggle began after sharing some intimacy with an old friend of mine. We've been friends for years. I quite like him, I have fancied him for a while. But, although he obviously finds me attractive (HE came to MY bed and asked ME 'in'), a day after being in bed together he said he was not interested in me that way. It was all casual for him (I would NEVER ever do casual). I was in shock for, perhaps, two months, and might have been two inches from depression. Besides feeling rejected by the one person I have ever thought was right for me, it was quite sad to think that I didn't really know him.

Do not get me wrong. He is a dear friend, he is a good man, he means no harm, he's sorry, and after one or two heated discussions, he has learned to be there for me, at least sometimes (after 10 years he finally remembered my birthday once, and now writes more often, although this, apparently is quite a task for him, he's really selfish and does not realize when he's hurting people, but I can see he's trying).

The point is... I don't want to 'look for other people'. I don't need anyone, really. I am happy by myself. I'm into this because I like him. He strikes a chord with me deeply, some ancient empathy that I have never experienced for anybody else. He is, I think, the only person I would be willing to keep trying hard for, the only person I would never give up on, the only person I will be willing to save a friendship that otherwise would be damaged beyond repair.

And after all that happened... I thought... how the hell does asexuality really fit into things when you have sex with a friend? Although the issue came up in bed (he asked if it was OK to come to my bed, as 'I wasn't into it'), I felt comfortable with him and would quite enjoy being with him many times if he asked. I just don't 'need' it and will not die if I don't get some. But somehow I feel I scared him. I feel that I shouldn't have mentioned the word 'asexual' to him, ever. In the end, really, asexuality is just not relevant.

Oh well.

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been some time touj..good to see you again :cake:

although i read the whole thing..this...

although he obviously finds me attractive (HE came to MY bed and asked ME 'in'), a day after being in bed together he said he was not interested in me that way. It was all casual for him (I would NEVER ever do casual). I was in shock for, perhaps, two months, and might have been two inches from depression. Besides feeling rejected by the one person I have ever thought was right for me, it was quite sad to think that I didn't really know him.

within aday of sleeping with you he said he was no longer interested..he may be a perfectly nice chap but the feelings between you seem to be one way

chalk it upto an experience to learn from

don't beat yourself up ..especially because you felt something

you had a close shave no matter how painfull and confusing it feels at this momment :cake:

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Toujours!

I've always had the impression that the right opportunity has not come along for you. By that I mean a person who is everything you want and feels the same about you. I understand that you don't need sex and won't die without it (which I am very glad to hear! ^_^ ), but you would really like to be in a physically intimate relationship with someone really special.

I am wishing on a star for you,

Lucinda

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Oh I do wish I'm an ex-asexual instead of ex-sexual.

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believe it or not, Toujours, this happens fairly often to sexuals. I doubt if it has anything to do with your asexuality scaring him. Some people trying sleeping with other people and it just doesn't work for them, even though they may really like the other person. This hit you really hard because you really felt you could be close to him, and because it hadn't happened before. But I've heard from sexual friends that it happened to them after many sexual encounters and they felt bad about it also. So it's not you. It's just life. :(

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i guess what most are trying to say Touj

is that whilst it hurts you ..it doesn't seem to hurt him and this often happens asexual or sexual

you let your heart go to a point you were willing to break down what you are and have sex with someone you cared for greatly

and that my dear..does not make you a bad person not one that should beat thier self up over anothers actions

your still you..just a little wiser :cake:

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Hello everyone,

It's been about a year since I had not posted anything on Aven. I was not brave enough. These have been very confusing times, and I have reconsidered many aspects of my life, including my ever joining this community. But I really need to share something, so I gathered all my strength and logged in.

Then of course there was the problem of choosing in which forum to post this message, and I just couldn't decide. In the end, I thought this would be the one. For some reason I feel this would be the most supportive and objective.

My struggle began after sharing some intimacy with an old friend of mine. We've been friends for years. I quite like him, I have fancied him for a while. But, although he obviously finds me attractive (HE came to MY bed and asked ME 'in'), a day after being in bed together he said he was not interested in me that way. It was all casual for him (I would NEVER ever do casual). I was in shock for, perhaps, two months, and might have been two inches from depression. Besides feeling rejected by the one person I have ever thought was right for me, it was quite sad to think that I didn't really know him.

Do not get me wrong. He is a dear friend, he is a good man, he means no harm, he's sorry, and after one or two heated discussions, he has learned to be there for me, at least sometimes (after 10 years he finally remembered my birthday once, and now writes more often, although this, apparently is quite a task for him, he's really selfish and does not realize when he's hurting people, but I can see he's trying).

The point is... I don't want to 'look for other people'. I don't need anyone, really. I am happy by myself. I'm into this because I like him. He strikes a chord with me deeply, some ancient empathy that I have never experienced for anybody else. He is, I think, the only person I would be willing to keep trying hard for, the only person I would never give up on, the only person I will be willing to save a friendship that otherwise would be damaged beyond repair.

And after all that happened... I thought... how the hell does asexuality really fit into things when you have sex with a friend? Although the issue came up in bed (he asked if it was OK to come to my bed, as 'I wasn't into it'), I felt comfortable with him and would quite enjoy being with him many times if he asked. I just don't 'need' it and will not die if I don't get some. But somehow I feel I scared him. I feel that I shouldn't have mentioned the word 'asexual' to him, ever. In the end, really, asexuality is just not relevant.

Oh well.

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Just my humble opinion but I think you set your standards to low and you should never take more than 50% of the blame for anything. You are way to hard on your self and you need to have higher expectations, you deserve better. I do meen this with all my heart and all do respect. I try to be as positive as possible, I've been in that same boat my self yet in diffrent circumstances but the same as far as makeing my self to vulnerable. Take care of your self, your the best person for the job.

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I just wanted to say thank you all.

I also wanted to clarify that this is not easy to put to words, and although I appreciate your advice, which is helpful, it is really painful to see that my situation looks as if I did not have any respect for myself or if my friend was a horrible person. It is not like that. I guess it will be never possible to explain all that has happened to me and how complex the situation and my feelings are. I guess only I know, and it is difficult to be objective.

I am in a big dilemma now, between an asexual identity that for some time was just a cocoon, that has been very harmful in many aspects, but that at the same time is useful when you need to relate with others for which sex is not a necessity (and this, oh my God, is sometimes impossible to explain without sounding mentally ill to some people).

I signed up into a dating site to get things a bit out of my mind and meet new guys, nothing implied. WHAT THE HELL WAS I THINKING??? From the messages I've been getting it seems like what my friend did is common place in an adult life. Someone even asked me how I 'handled it' if I had never been in a relationship and if I didn't have casual sex. Is it really THAT vital after you have had some? (I had close intimacy, and sexual stuff, but not penetration, but still... it was a big deal for me). And I absolutely do not crave it to the point to do it casually with friends, because I happen to care about it. So the experience of being asked again was very painful and I had my little cry out of frustration :'( :S .

So I guess I'm back here in the community as an ex-ex-asexual, just for the sake of ranting a bit more about it.

Oh well.

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You aren't ex-anything. You are and always have been yourself - you have been and always will be welcome here.

*HUGZ*

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