It's Complicated

[protea]

For the past few years I have been trying to figure out my sexuality, and well into my 30's I'm still confused. I identify as Asexual because I have never experienced sexual attraction to another person and have never felt the desire to engage in physical intimacy. I suppose I'm panromantic though, because I have had romantic/emotional crushes on boys, girls, and genderqueer folk.

I have been involved in one heterosexual relationship in my life, and I was absolutely miserable. Everything about sex grossed me out, and I had to come clean with my partner about my asexuality. I have also dated a woman, but never felt any desire or arousal there either. Honestly, I really hate being touched and I don't want to have to touch anyone else. Even kissing is "yucky" to me.

Here's the catch though...I have always had strong emotional and romantic attractions to gay guys. My friends call me a girlfag becuase I write slash fics and enjoy yaoi, and in all honesty I do find the idea of men together to be very arousing. But I'm a girl... and have no interest in having hetero relations with gay men...because that would be gross. :P Does that make me somewhat grey or just weird?

[Caspian]

Hmmm.... it's really hard to say. Are you attracted toward gay men, or could this simply be a fetish? I know that asexuals can still have fetishes, although it can get complicates, and I'm mostly confused on this area ;).

But on another level, does it matter? You've obviously not going to ever act on this one aspect of "attraction" (if it is that) that you feel. Even though you may be questioning your asexuality, you're at least nonsexual and prefer to remain that way (at least as far as I understand from reading your post).

[protea]

Hmmm.... it's really hard to say. Are you attracted toward gay men, or could this simply be a fetish? I know that asexuals can still have fetishes, although it can get complicates, and I'm mostly confused on this area ;).

But on another level, does it matter? You've obviously not going to ever act on this one aspect of "attraction" (if it is that) that you feel. Even though you may be questioning your asexuality, you're at least nonsexual and prefer to remain that way (at least as far as I understand from reading your post).

Hmm, I never thought of the possibility of it being a fetish. Nearly every guy I have ever been romantically attracted to has turned out to be gay, and it was always more of an emotional thing than "gay is hot". But then again....who knows?

And you're right, I am nonsexual and have no plans or desire to act on any fetish or fantasy that I may have. Does it matter? I guess not. But I do find it interesting how complex sexuality really is when it is so often understood as something more simple.

[Jillianimal]

That sounds like a fetish. Fetish just causes physiological arousal. Sexual attraction is the desire to have sex with someone specifically. An asexual can have fetishes.

[Guest]

There are quite a few asexual and heterosexual girls who like yaoi or slash, and we generally do not consider ourselves to be attracted to gay men, or to have a fetish. I suppose that might be true for some people, but the fandom generally doesn't consider interest in slash/yaoi to be a fetish, or to count as sexual attraction to men.

[protea]

That sounds like a fetish. Fetish just causes physiological arousal. Sexual attraction is the desire to have sex with someone specifically. An asexual can have fetishes.

That makes sense. I have no desire whatsoever to have sex with another person, but am capable of feeling arousal. I wasn't even sure whether or not truly asexual people could have fetishes or sexual feelings.