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Any ideas?


Alter-Echo

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Hey peeps...I'm a bit vexed and down at the moment, and I need some help figuring things out, so here goes....

I'm finding it very hard to start or hold a romantic relationship due to some things I can't seem to change. By definition, I could be considered demisexual...I do experience sexual attracion, but only to those I know. I can't seem to hold a relationship with normal sexuals, due to my innability to stay aloof during the early stages of a relationship....if I like someone, I fall for them quickly...and having sex with them just makes me fall for them more...it seems that my sex drive is more emotionally driven than biologicly driven.

As far as asexuals go...most are opposed to sex...so a relationship with one would be nearly impossible....the more I love them...the stronger my sex drive.

So to be honest....I'm not sure where I fit in the grand scheme of things...I'm lonely...but it seems my rather odd way of doing things is ensuring I stay alone. I've tried alot of stuff to change myself...ranging from therapy to simply being someone I'm not, and nothing seems to change it...it seems to just be the way I am.

So does anyone have any ideas what this is...how to fix it..am I simply damaged beyaond repair? Any insight, suggestions, or thoughts on this would be most welcome.

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I do have some thoughts and will be glad to share those ... but in the meantime:

What did you state was your reason for wanting therapy and what were the therapist's suggestions, if any??

Lucinda

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I do have some thoughts and will be glad to share those ... but in the meantime:

What did you state was your reason for wanting therapy and what were the therapist's suggestions, if any??

Lucinda

I though perhaps I was emotionally damaged somehow...I've had a rather hard life and have been generally treated poorly by others, including many I've trusted. After several years of therapy and a general improvement with many of my other emotional issues, this part of me changed little, if at all. The therapist pretty much aknowledged the fact that there wasn't much that she thought could be done about it...it merely seemed to be a quirk of my personality that most likely wouldn't change, and that I would hopefully find someone that would accept it.

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I would imagine your therapist is right in that success for you will come when someone accepts you and your type of relationship. Those that didn't are not representative of any particular group .... only themselves.

If you describe yourself as clingy and needy, would you be attracted to a gal who was also clingy and needy?

In my opinion, it matters little if you are X, Y, or Z; or if she is X, Y, or Z as long as you are compatible in the areas that you think are most important. The more you are able to talk about yourself and find out about her, the better. And, of course, you want to make sure you dig her and not simply falling in love with love or falling in love with being in a relationship.

All the best,

Lucinda

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I still don't think there's anything wrong with you. :cake: :cake: :cake:

I'm sorry the world has made you feel so broken. I think everything you describe makes perfect sense! I'm very similar.

I agree with Lucinda...it's more about finding someone who is compatible with you. What is important to you, what's important to her...that sort of thing.

She said it better than I can.

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I would imagine your therapist is right in that success for you will come when someone accepts you and your type of relationship. Those that didn't are not representative of any particular group .... only themselves.

If you describe yourself as clingy and needy, would you be attracted to a gal who was also clingy and needy?

In my opinion, it matters little if you are X, Y, or Z; or if she is X, Y, or Z as long as you are compatible in the areas that you think are most important. The more you are able to talk about yourself and find out about her, the better. And, of course, you want to make sure you dig her and not simply falling in love with love or falling in love with being in a relationship.

All the best,

Lucinda

Hmm...I see the wisdom in your words...I'm beginning to suspect that perhaps I'm just a victim of unusually bad luck. I always end up with women that seem kind and accepting at first...and they often seem like the kind that I can relate to and enjoy being with, but once they see how I am, they no longer want anything to do with me, and they change completely. Even worse, they blame me and hurt me...they accuse me of being a broken failure and hate me for it.I guess I've just heard it enough times where I have been starting to believe there is something wrong with me.

And I suppose you are right about finding someone who is clingy...I appreciate it more than most would I think, and they would prolly appreciate me a bit more as well.

Thanks for the advice you are giving Lucinda, I'm very grateful.

I still don't think there's anything wrong with you. :cake: :cake: :cake:

I'm sorry the world has made you feel so broken. I think everything you describe makes perfect sense! I'm very similar.

I agree with Lucinda...it's more about finding someone who is compatible with you. What is important to you, what's important to her...that sort of thing.

She said it better than I can.

Thanks...it's nice there are others not unlike myself out there, it gives me some hope. :)

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Let me give you an other way of looking at the need of a romantic relation.

What I have come to learn is that ALL and ANY type of romantic relationships are based on lies, domination and fears.

The only real relation is me with myself.

The only real love is me to myself.

The real life problems and solution are always me with myself.

here is a website were you can get more info http://www.personocratia.com/en/index.php

this is a great topic !

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Let me give you an other way of looking at the need of a romantic relation.

What I have come to learn is that ALL and ANY type of romantic relationships are based on lies, domination and fears.

The only real relation is me with myself.

The only real love is me to myself.

The real life problems and solution are always me with myself.

here is a website were you can get more info http://www.personocratia.com/en/index.php

this is a great topic !

Funny thing that.....because I I never lie to those I love...even when I prolly should....but I realize for most this isn't the case.

Still...interesting veiw point.

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Yep, I never lie to people I love either.

I might exaggerate a bit or leave something out, but the truth is intended in all of it. I really like looking at the big picture of what life throws at us, and trying to see how things fit together and what ends up causing what. Lying messes that up.

And I'm a positively awful liar anyway. :P

Maybe I'm just way too positive but I feel like it's totally possible to have a relationship not built on lies and fears and domination. I've observed quite a few that seemed to be built on trust and love and being equals, or as close to it as possible. That's what I want from a guy, and that's what I'll strive to give in return. :)

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Yep, I never lie to people I love either.

I might exaggerate a bit or leave something out, but the truth is intended in all of it. I really like looking at the big picture of what life throws at us, and trying to see how things fit together and what ends up causing what. Lying messes that up.

And I'm a positively awful liar anyway. :P

Maybe I'm just way too positive but I feel like it's totally possible to have a relationship not built on lies and fears and domination. I've observed quite a few that seemed to be built on trust and love and being equals, or as close to it as possible. That's what I want from a guy, and that's what I'll strive to give in return. :)

Too bad everyone doesn't feel this way, the world might be a happier place if they did.

And yeah....I suck at lying too :lol:

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LadyAmandaJane

As far as asexuals go...most are opposed to sex...so a relationship with one would be nearly impossible....the more I love them...the stronger my sex drive.

Be careful of generalizations and stereotypes. I know you said "most", but even still that statement is dangrous, because it makes a vast assumption. And for the record, my ex girlfriend identified very stronly as asexual, but was very interested in having sex.

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As far as asexuals go...most are opposed to sex...so a relationship with one would be nearly impossible....the more I love them...the stronger my sex drive.

Be careful of generalizations and stereotypes. I know you said "most", but even still that statement is dangrous, because it makes a vast assumption. And for the record, my ex girlfriend identified very stronly as asexual, but was very interested in having, and very often.

I'm not really trying to make a stereotype, I'm just basing things on the observations I have made thusfar. Indeed, the majority of the asexuals I've spoken to or posts I've read either find sex repulsive, or at the very least have no interest in ever doing it. My assumtion isn't vast...it's simply based on my current knowledge.

Sorry if that somehow offends you.

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LadyAmandaJane

Oh no offence at all :) I was just trying to point out, that you might make an assumption one way about a group of people, but might still meet many people who fall outside of that. Just being careful is important.

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Oh no offence at all :) I was just trying to point out, that you might make an assumption one way about a group of people, but might still meet many people who fall outside of that. Just being careful is important.

Oh...ok then, I get what you are saying.

Also, I suppose you are far more familliar with this than I am anyway.....I'm rather new to all this, I have just gotten to the point to where I'm no longer thinking "I'm screwed up" and instead think "I'm different"

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Oh no offence at all :) I was just trying to point out, that you might make an assumption one way about a group of people, but might still meet many people who fall outside of that. Just being careful is important.

Oh...ok then, I get what you are saying.

Also, I suppose you are far more familliar with this than I am anyway.....I'm rather new to all this, I have just gotten to the point to where I'm no longer thinking "I'm screwed up" and instead think "I'm different"

*huuuuugs* Kudos to you for being able to get to this point... I know it's hard journey.

I do happen to agree with AJ's statement, so I'll just throw in some support there for that statement while I'm here. ^_^

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Thanks Fae....there are still times when I'm lonely when I feel myself slipping and starting to think the way I always have, but for the most part I've accepted that I'm just different and things still could turn out ok.

And yeah...I agree with her too, perhaps I just haven't met enough asexuals to see the different ways of thinking yet.

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Thanks Fae....there are still times when I'm lonely when I feel myself slipping and starting to think the way I always have, but for the most part I've accepted that I'm just different and things still could turn out ok.

And yeah...I agree with her too, perhaps I just haven't met enough asexuals to see the different ways of thinking yet.

For reference, I'm not opposed to sex. ^_^ It's just not something that generally crosses my mind as part of interaction with another individual. Simply put, I tend to "forget" that it's something to do; I have to remind myself. And I guess when confronted with it, I have a bit of "now what am I supposed to do???" because it doesn't seem like it's instinctual...

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Thanks Fae....there are still times when I'm lonely when I feel myself slipping and starting to think the way I always have, but for the most part I've accepted that I'm just different and things still could turn out ok.

And yeah...I agree with her too, perhaps I just haven't met enough asexuals to see the different ways of thinking yet.

For reference, I'm not opposed to sex. ^_^ It's just not something that generally crosses my mind as part of interaction with another individual. Simply put, I tend to "forget" that it's something to do; I have to remind myself. And I guess when confronted with it, I have a bit of "now what am I supposed to do???" because it doesn't seem like it's instinctual...

Ohhh...ok...I get it....so just because the drive isn't there doesn't mean that you mind it...hmm...gotcha.

Many of the asexuals I had heard from seem to not want to, and in some cases even be repulsed by the very thought of it, so I wasn't aware that there were those who were more or less indifferent to it. Well, that gives me some hope at least, since to be honest I feel more comfortable around asexuals than I do around sexuals, and that I'd prolly be happier in a relationship with one. I've been in several relationships where the woman's interest in me was mostly sexually driven...I'd feel happier knowing that it wouldn't be an issue. My desire for sex isn't something that attracts me to women...the desire is more of an "side effect" of my emotional attraction to them.

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Thanks Fae....there are still times when I'm lonely when I feel myself slipping and starting to think the way I always have, but for the most part I've accepted that I'm just different and things still could turn out ok.

And yeah...I agree with her too, perhaps I just haven't met enough asexuals to see the different ways of thinking yet.

For reference, I'm not opposed to sex. ^_^ It's just not something that generally crosses my mind as part of interaction with another individual. Simply put, I tend to "forget" that it's something to do; I have to remind myself. And I guess when confronted with it, I have a bit of "now what am I supposed to do???" because it doesn't seem like it's instinctual...

Ohhh...ok...I get it....so just because the drive isn't there doesn't mean that you mind it...hmm...gotcha.

Many of the asexuals I had heard from seem to not want to, and in some cases even be repulsed by the very thought of it, so I wasn't aware that there were those who were more or less indifferent to it. Well, that gives me some hope at least, since to be honest I feel more comfortable around asexuals than I do around sexuals, and that I'd prolly be happier in a relationship with one. I've been in several relationships where the woman's interest in me was mostly sexually driven...I'd feel happier knowing that it wouldn't be an issue. My desire for sex isn't something that attracts me to women...the desire is more of an "side effect" of my emotional attraction to them.

^_^ There's always a least a little bit of diversity in any group. I have to admit though, I find that it's normally not that easy to speak up about something that I am generally apathetic about. Not that it's particularly difficult to talk about; it's just, what would I say? "I don't care"??? Generally, I end up deciding against it, because what's the point of saying that? (Well, other than providing a different, and not particularly interesting, perspective...) XD

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