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I think I'm gray-sexual


Annie Moose

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Short story: I think I can categorize myself as gray-sexual! yay!

Very long story: I've been confused about sexuality for most of my life (well, since I started puberty anyway). I'll try not to turn this into a huge saga, but when I was 12 or 13, and everyone else was figuring things out, I sort of had no idea what my sexuality was. I found myself staring at both male and female models/actors in magazines, and I had crushes (or squishes?) on both a male and a female teacher. But, I wasn't sure if it was an aesthetic thing or just being curious about sexuality in general, or if I was actually sexually attracted to some people. (And obviously, at age 12 I didn't have the language to articulate this). I even considered coming out to my mom as bisexual a few times, but I never did because I was just not sure about it myself! In high school, my attention definitely turned more to boys. (So now I consider myself heteroromantic, at least.) I had "crushes" on a few different boys in my class. But the biggest one was on a senior who didn't know I existed, and I also had a pretty big crush on a teacher. I think these crushes were the most comfortable for me because I didn't have to think about actually becoming emotionally or physically attached. Throughout high school, I don't really remember being physically "turned on" by anyone. I had no interest in dating or sex. My mom even told me that it was okay if I was having sex, as long as I was being safe, and I told her I just didn't want to. Sometime in high school, I read an article in a magazine about asexuality. At first I thought asexuality sounded bogus, but it also appealed to me a lot. I didn't think I was completely asexual, but I knew that I didn't care about sex nearly as much as most people. I kind of wished I could be asexual. I wish someone had told me about demisexuality and gray-sexuality then, I think it would have spared me a lot of confusion!

In college, a lot of people I knew started having sex. I was still pretty uninterested in it. I never dated all through college. I did learn a lot about sexuality secondhand, though. I minored in Women's and Gender Studies and learned so much about different sexualities and gender expressions, and I became active in the LGBT community on campus. On the surface I still identified as straight, but I felt like there was something more to it. Even though I was heteroromantic, I felt like I didn't fit in with the mainstream heteronormative community. At dinner my friends would always talk about sex and I felt a mixture of discomfort and boredom. One of the biggest crushes I had in college was on a professor (again!) It wasn't until senior year that I had a crush on a Real Boy, but I decided not to pursue it at all because he was a junior and I would be graduating soon, so it seemed pointless. Here, the fact that I considered this rationally instead of jumping into a relationship anyway made me feel different from most people.

By now I've noticed a definite pattern--I hardly ever feel attracted to people I interact with on a regular day to day basis. I can be really attracted to actors--looking at a picture of Benedict Cumberbatch or David Tennant definitely gets my heart beating faster! Even when I do feel attracted to someone in "real life," it will usually be someone I can just admire from afar, like a professor. I have been attracted to some people I interact with closely, but it's a lot more rare than it seems to be for other people. I also get "turned on" by reading erotic fiction, a lot more than I do by real people. In some ways I identify with repulsed asexuals a little bit because the thought of involving myself in sexual situations is a lot less appealing than reading about other people. In some ways I feel like I never grew up past the "sex is gross!" phase. Pictures of penises and vaginas squick me out a little, not gonna lie. Also, (tmi) I don't masturbate that much. I'm sex positive and think it's great that some people can get it on with themselves, but personally, I don't even care enough about sex to need to get myself off.

Now I'm 22, and I've never even held hands with a boy, or kissed, and definitely never had sex of any kind. I'm basically okay with that. In the past couple of years I've sort of wanted to lose my virginity, but only to "get it over with," and I know that's a bad reason. I feel like at my age, people think that sexual activity is a given. There's a lot more pressure and I've started to be embarrassed about my virginity. That's why I was really happy to find out about gray-sexuality, and that it's normal to feel the way I do. I hope that someday I can meet someone who will be understanding about my feelings, who won't freak out about my lack of experience. Someone who would be willing to try out sex with me, but wouldn't be disappointed if I didn't want it that much.

In conclusion..."gray" is definitely a good definition for my sexuality, since I just feel like I'm not completely sexual OR completely asexual. It feels really good to get this all out in the open. Even though I've been stalking the asexual community on tumblr, I didn't want to post anything on tumblr because some of my real life friends are on there and I don't feel comfortable talking about this with most of them. I'm glad I found this forum.

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Aww welcome :cake:

It's great to meet more and more grey as and grey sexuals around here. I'm a bit romantically confuzzled at the moment but I identify as under the grey-a umbrella as well.

And women's and gender studies :wub: I kind of have what I like to call an unofficial concentration in gender studies (I'm a sociology major).

So yea, I hope to see you around a bit more

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By now I've noticed a definite pattern--I hardly ever feel attracted to people I interact with on a regular day to day basis. I can be really attracted to actors--looking at a picture of Benedict Cumberbatch or David Tennant definitely gets my heart beating faster! Even when I do feel attracted to someone in "real life," it will usually be someone I can just admire from afar, like a professor. I have been attracted to some people I interact with closely, but it's a lot more rare than it seems to be for other people. I also get "turned on" by reading erotic fiction, a lot more than I do by real people. In some ways I identify with repulsed asexuals a little bit because the thought of involving myself in sexual situations is a lot less appealing than reading about other people. In some ways I feel like I never grew up past the "sex is gross!" phase. Pictures of penises and vaginas squick me out a little, not gonna lie. Also, (tmi) I don't masturbate that much. I'm sex positive and think it's great that some people can get it on with themselves, but personally, I don't even care enough about sex to need to get myself off.

Wow, that sounds almost like I wrote that myself, I think I'll have some cake...

I still haven't decided yet whether the "gray" label fits me. At first I thought it did, but lately I haven't been so sure.

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Yeah, I read a lot of erotic fiction and enjoy it but the thought of it becoming a reality with myself included is difficult to process. I think I can imagine any type of weird sexual scenario between anyone expect myself.

Also, there are people I "like" I guess. I liked to look at them, but I didn't really want to be close to them or even really get to know them all that much. For me it can be phrased as, "Pretty to look at but I don't want to touch." I really prefer the fantasy of someone, which I know isn't true, over the reality.

When I was a virgin, I didn't really care. And now that I have had sex due to a relationship pressure, I didn't really care either way. I didn't feel a difference between virgin and non-virgin. But I do now know for sure, that I don't enjoy sex. I find that the physical things associated with sex and arousal are just unpleasant for me. What I think is considered pleasurable for others I want to avoid as much as possible. At least now someone can't say, "Well how do you know if you don't try it?" Well I have tried it and it is gross.

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Wow, your story is so similar to mine. I mean, I'm only 18 and I've tried kissing guys and stuff, but I've found that the minute it gets past a single kiss, it's like my hormones just switch off and my whole body shuts down and I'm either bored or kind of repulsed.

But basically, what you said about only really liking people you can admire from afar, that's totally me in a nutshell. And I used to be confused and think I was possibly bisexual too. Also I get loooads of squishes. Yay! I don't feel so weird and alone (:

So yeah, welcome! :D :cake:

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