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Gray sexual attraction - less intense?


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This is an argument I found somewhere else in the forums today: that grays don't experience the same "intensity" of sexual attraction as a sexual does.

How intense would you say your attraction is? If you have any comparison to how intense it is for a sexual, how does it compare?

TMI

I was under the impression that mine was pretty intense. I have very detailed fantasies, some arousal, urges, and desires when around the person, and think about them often, but especially when horny or masturbating. I'm not sure how to gauge the intensity though.

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I'm not really sure if I belong in this thread being that I'm so close to the asexual side of things, but whatever...

The level of sexual I experience is, well, pretty low. The normal amount of sexual attraction I currently experience tends to be something like, "I'm so ***ing lonely, I'd even be willing to date ______." Back when I first discovered my streak of grayness (1-2 years-ish ago?), the level of sexual attraction I experienced was somewhat higher. I can't really describe how intense it was, but it was something like, "If she'd appear in my room right now and began seeking to seduce me, I'd happily consent." I've only felt that way for a short period of time... and haven't felt that way since.

TMI: (haha, first time I've posted TMI on AVEN)

I've tried masturbating while thinking about someone I'm "attracted" to. It doesn't work. I literally need to empty my brain in order to reach a climax.

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It might be true for some gray-As, or some people who experience only very mild sexual attraction might label themselves as gray-A, but I doubt it is this way for all gray-As.

I think my level of sexual attraction is pretty high. :lol:

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My guess would be, it depends on the person. Technically, a person who experiences sexual attraction as often and as strong as sexuals do, but still doesn't think sex is essential to a relationship, is also gray. So the gray spectrum is most likely wider than we could ever imagine.

Some grays could experience a lighter attraction, others could experience it just as strongly but less frequently, others just for a limited number of people... it really varies.

IMHO what makes a gray a lot more gray than fully sexual is the way grays are still able to distinguish between sexual and romantic attraction. For sexuals, the line is often blurred.

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All I'll/can say by now is that I can't truly say whether I'm sexually attracted to someone or not (haven't figured it out yet I guess), but I find many people hot and all that jazz. But I don't really have the want to "hump" them or I don't have fantasies about them in this direction; not really.

Even when I have crushes I kinda refuse to have rather sexual thoughts about them. It just seems weird, dunno.

So I'd say, the way I experience (primary) sexual attraction, if so, then on a lower level. :unsure:

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Hospital Dreams

Seeing as I've not quite figured out the difference between what [my] sexual attraction, and sexual arousal feels like, I would say attraction is very low. I don't get attracted to people at all really, and the closest thing to it is when I'm touched by another person, it's arousing, and that arousal becomes associated with that person (so long as they touch me a lot). If physical contact gets less frequent/stops entirely, the arousal/pseudo-attraction goes away, even if my libido remains pretty high for a few more weeks.

I don't consider it true sexual attraction, because I never get aroused just by looking at the person, and their appearance usually has nothing to do with it at all. It's all about being touched and how it makes me feel.

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All I'll/can say by now is that I can't truly say whether I'm sexually attracted to someone or not (haven't figured it out yet I guess), but I find many people hot and all that jazz. But I don't really have the want to "hump" them or I don't have fantasies about them in this direction; not really.

Even when I have crushes I kinda refuse to have rather sexual thoughts about them. It just seems weird, dunno.

So I'd say, the way I experience (primary) sexual attraction, if so, then on a lower level. :unsure:

I have a similar problem! With crushes I find it weird/awkward to imagine sexual stuff with them. Then again sometimes I kinda do anyway.... only for a sec and then "AWKWARD" levels go up.

I've never used to use the word hot at all, as I thought it was strange and there was a sexual element to it. Yet since I used the label biromantic (and now lesbian ace???) I've found myself mentally finding girls hot.

I am also unsure if I might be grey-a, demi (more grey-a then demi), or just a lesbian with a very low libido/haven't gotten there yet (I've repressed a lot, and have finally tore down the wall in regards to my attraction to woman, and I am afraid it will keep escalating). This is all so confusing.

In regards to "down there" TMI warning:

after a couple of months identifying as biromantic, I've started feeling more... arousal?? I masturbated more than I did but it wasn't connected to anything, but I can't help but think it's connected to my recent acceptance. Then I started getting more in depth (getting to more sexual) fantasies with woman, and then watching a music video of a woman I find attractive I think I might have felt sexual attraction, but it could of been a fluke. But then again recently I've gotten a really intense crush on someone for a couple of days (which has subsided and calmed down now) and I might have "felt" something when thinking about her, I am not sure. So, I have no idea and this is confusing.

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Interesting...

The reason I think of myself as Grey is because, in my whole life, I have been *potentially* sexually attracted to ONE person. I started feeling attracted to this person after I'd already fallen hopelessly in love with him. I am still sexually attracted to him to this day - (I still love him), and I have never felt the same way about anyone else. Ever.

(Obviously the fact that I have experienced [what may or may not be - see below] sexual attraction, instantly sets me aside from being a 'hardcore asexual'. However, due to the fact that most sexuals experience sexual attraction very frequently and towards many different people - even people they have no other feelings for, my experience is still very much alien to that of most sexuals, and so I still identify towards the 'asexual' end of the spectrum).

ANYWAY - it's interesting you mention intensity of attraction, because the 'attraction' I feel for this person really isn't what I'd call 'intense'. Having never experienced the same feeling towards anyone else, I have nothing I can compare its level of intensity with, but it certainly isn't anything mind-blowing - just 'new'.

The truth is that I don't even know if it really is sexual attraction. I'm beginning to think it might be nothing more than an intense romantic attraction that involves me thinking about having sex with this person. In other words, when I think of him, I imagine us kissing, touching, having sex... etc, but all these imaginings are purely mental - I get no physical reaction alongside these thoughts - no sensation 'down there' or anything. I don't get 'horny'. Is that even sexual attraction? Or just, perhaps, romantic attraction that is so intense that it encompasses sex into its imaginary scope...? Bah, I don't know. If it is sexual attaction, then what I said at first is right and I am therefore Grey, but if it's not really sexual attraction, then maybe I am asexual after all. :huh:

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ANYWAY - it's interesting you mention intensity of attraction, because the 'attraction' I feel for this person really isn't what I'd call 'intense'. Having never experienced the same feeling towards anyone else, I have nothing I can compare its level of intensity with, but it certainly isn't anything mind-blowing - just 'new'.

The truth is that I don't even know if it really is sexual attraction. I'm beginning to think it might be nothing more than an intense romantic attraction that involves me thinking about having sex with this person. In other words, when I think of him, I imagine us kissing, touching, having sex... etc, but all these imaginings are purely mental - I get no physical reaction alongside these thoughts - no sensation 'down there' or anything. I don't get 'horny'. Is that even sexual attraction? Or just, perhaps, romantic attraction that is so intense that it encompasses sex into its imaginary scope...? Bah, I don't know. If it is sexual attaction, then what I said at first is right and I am therefore Grey, but if it's not really sexual attraction, then maybe I am asexual after all. :huh:

Hmm, your response interests me as well... because I have had fleeting thoughts of engaging in sexual activity with people I crush on, but I don't think it's due to sexual attraction to that person; rather, as I said in another thread, I have sexual fantasies about what lovely sensations might occur during such an interaction. The sensations themselves or the fantasies of the sensations would not change in intensity; however, how conflicted I feel inside about feeling the sensations would vary with how emotionally attached I am to the person... i.e. if I really like them, I would mind less about the sexual activity than I would if it were with a person I didn't like. I like having the attention of someone I love? I think it would enjoy it more with someone I love, because love modifies how I feel about the sexual activity??

The thing is, the emotional attraction and the sexual fantasies are definitely not intertwined; instead, the former is just a modifier of the latter. Basically, the thought process is "oh, this would probably feel good physically, regardless, but how do I feel about it emotionally? Do I trust/love this person enough to let myself be vulnerable in this way?" It's like two layers of thought...? Plus, I don't actually desire to engage in sexual activity with that person although I might feel aroused since (possibly TMI)

I'm quite adept at thinking my way to arousal and maybe even to orgasm sometimes without involving thoughts of another individual at all, just sitting there, spacing out.

It really does just seem like an evaluation of how much I trust that person.

Agh, I hope I'm not splitting hairs here.

(...To be honest, though I think of myself as effectively asexual, I feel like I'm not either asexual or Grey-A, but rather that I might fluctuate between the two in another type of sexual fluidity that doesn't seem tied to a hormonal cycle because it happens infrequently, though I'm not ruling out that it might have some biological basis. And I'm probably going off-topic now, so I'll end here.)

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  • 2 weeks later...

Birdwing quote

How intense would you say your attraction is? If you have any comparison to how intense it is for a sexual, how does it compare?

HM! It is kinda equal to what the other person is feeling about me (I very rarely fantasise about someone I do not know).. and yea.. that of course requires me to know something about it! BUT.. I often enhance someone's sexual wishes towards me in my fantasy.. and in RL too. It does not only cover the sexual area.. it goes with cuddling or just about anything. I enhance the wishes that someone else have. Though.. I do not enhance "desire" as such.. eh.. words again.. umm.. I don't normally deal with "desire" and "emotional owning".. I only deal with wishes. That can become a problem if someone is a person who desires a lot.. probably will lead me to reject that person (as a partner). People can "own me" and "desire me" in the moment.. but nowhere else. I know extremely few that can sense or understand the difference of that and simply or rather "normally extending" the moment to one hour later after the "act" (of any kind) is over. I actually can do things in the moment that I would not be able to do in a "period of time" outside of that moment.. yea.. this is extremely hard for me to explain both here and in RL. I "jump" between different emotional states.. there are no "bridges" in my emotional life. I am sort of everywhere at the same time. .. lol.. "catch me if you can"! :) (which in fact is quite easy.. it is just that people don't go around and.. do it.. from my POV!)

BIG EDIT:

Sometimes it probably looks like I am almost "bragging" about who I am. However. This is the truth about me. There is ONE thing that I am extremely good at in this life. Adapting to someone else's "emotional frequency".. but it has taken me a very very long time and many unique situations to truly understand some things. My original "emotional setting" is quite.. different. So I have had to learn what some things are "normally". But when I learn from others and truly understand what something is all about for THEM.. I "borrow" those traits/frequencies and mix them into what is suitable for me in specific situations.. so "me" in some aspects are a direct result of what I have learned emotionally from many others.. I act "in the form" of many one could say. My original emotional configuration was.. well.. it belongs in another place and time.. it still is valid.. but not very usable in practical terms. I have SO many people to thank for who I am or rather what I can do.

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The truth is that I don't even know if it really is sexual attraction. I'm beginning to think it might be nothing more than an intense romantic attraction that involves me thinking about having sex with this person. In other words, when I think of him, I imagine us kissing, touching, having sex... etc, but all these imaginings are purely mental - I get no physical reaction alongside these thoughts - no sensation 'down there' or anything. I don't get 'horny'. Is that even sexual attraction? Or just, perhaps, romantic attraction that is so intense that it encompasses sex into its imaginary scope...? Bah, I don't know. If it is sexual attraction, then what I said at first is right and I am therefore Grey, but if it's not really sexual attraction, then maybe I am asexual after all. :huh:

I can relate in a way. Women arouse me, but I don't really think about having sex with them. On the other hand, most of my crushes and fantasies involve guys, but I have to concentrate really hard and create a romance novel-like scenario in my head to experience anything physical (and it only works with a small handful of guys because I too feel awkward about seeing non-celebrity crushes in a sexual light). I've always viewed sexual attraction as the mental component of desire and arousal as the physical component.

Throughout time, however, I have developed a good amount of sexual attraction to my boyfriend, but it's definitely less intense than his.

That's not to say I don't enjoy sex with him. I do initiate it, and I do get turned on by his actions and by thinking of our relationship. I don't get aroused just by looking at him, and I forget that I often send the wrong signals when I cuddle next to him naked (cuddling get hot in the summer and I'm kind of a nudist in my own apartment ^^;;).

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I'm thinking the level of intensity of sexual attraction would be far lower for me than a sexual, since I have low libido. But this makes it hard for me to draw the line between sexual and aesthetic attraction, and where I actually fall on the sexuality spectrum, making calling myself gray is a heck of a lot more convenient. Otherwise I wouldn't be sure whether I'm hetero-romantic ace or aromantic bisexual or what have you; it's really hard for me to draw the line on what is truly some form of sexual attraction and what isn't since I've only experienced intense sexual attraction once.

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