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Great Thief Yatagarasu

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Great Thief Yatagarasu

Okay, so this is where being Grey or Demi gets kinda awkward. Thing is, I'm demisexual, but that basically means that I'd be sexual only in a committed relationship...which is what a lot of sexual people are like as well. And I'm biromantic as well, but because I prefer men to women, I'm basically "straight". So, to most of the world, I'm just a shy, virgin heterosexual girl who's just too picky. In other words, I can Pass as something I'm not. If I never mentioned it to anyone else, they'd never be able to guess, because I'd be doing no different to what a lot of my sexual friends do. And actually telling people leads to more "I was like that at your age" and "You just need to find the right person" speeches that they would if I were asexual, and what makes it worse is that that last one is technically RIGHT - I DO just need the right person. Passing for straight makes things really difficult, if I'm honest. On the bright side, though, it at least means that I don't have to come out to people if I don't want to, and people don't give me grief for being more on the ace side of things.

Who else has a problem with this? And does anyone actually have a problem with it?

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I wouldn't see it as a problem, but maybe dishonest if you were asked directly and you chose to conceal something.

I'm viewed as a celibate (mostly) straight woman. not a repulsed asexual heteroromantic woman. This only bothers me when others talk about my (lack of) sex life.

H xx

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Yeah, that's why I made that other topic...

I feel really awkward passing. Since I'm out to everyone as a nonlibidoist asexual, I have to hide ALLLL of these sexual things that you guys know about (sexual attraction, desire, masturbation, etc.) since I don't want any awkward questions.

I'm trying to drop hints but it hurts me so much, because these are the same people who said that I would "grow out of" my asexuality. I don't feel like I grew out of it, because I'm not fully sexual...I don't want to explain this to anyone.

But I feel like I'm lying if I don't tell them.

And then people who don't know about the whole asexuality thing just assume I'm sexual, and people who know I'm asexual try to correct them and it's awkward because sometimes it's painfully obvious that I'm not fully ace...

AGGHGHHHHH

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Forgive me if I'm wrong, I'm just trying to understand it...

You think you developed? (Instead of got "cured".)

H xx

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Me?

I don't think I was "cured" or that I "developed". I'm sticking with the idea that I was asexual and through fluidity became gray.

I just don't think I would go up through 21 1/2 and never experience any of those things and then have it all dropped on me like that...if it was normal development.

I didn't fully cure my repulsion, either...and I don't believe that asexuality can be "cured".

Fluidity is the best concept I've got for it right now.

Great Thief...I wish I had more to say. I'm so confused about it all myself right now.

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Great Thief Yatagarasu

Yeah, that's why I made that other topic...

I feel really awkward passing. Since I'm out to everyone as a nonlibidoist asexual, I have to hide ALLLL of these sexual things that you guys know about (sexual attraction, desire, masturbation, etc.) since I don't want any awkward questions.

I'm trying to drop hints but it hurts me so much, because these are the same people who said that I would "grow out of" my asexuality. I don't feel like I grew out of it, because I'm not fully sexual...I don't want to explain this to anyone.

But I feel like I'm lying if I don't tell them.

And then people who don't know about the whole asexuality thing just assume I'm sexual, and people who know I'm asexual try to correct them and it's awkward because sometimes it's painfully obvious that I'm not fully ace...

AGGHGHHHHH

Being fair, there's nothing wrong with changing your mind about what you label yourself. People change over time, and it's perfectly okay that you've changed. Try coming out again, and really emphasise that you're still not sexual - but you weren't what you thought you were, either. If they don't believe you, stuff them - you told them you'd changed, and if they start being smug with you, then just ignore it.

I remember getting quite angry at a Glee episode because of this (not that that's a surprise, Glee angers me a lot - it's a love-hate relationship) - Kurt's love interest Blaine began to explore the possibility that he was bisexual instead of being exclusively gay, and Kurt gets into a hissy bitch-fit because he MUST be wrong, and he's just trying to delude himself. Erm, no. It actually REALLY ANNOYED me when it turned out that Blaine WAS just gay - because there would be nothing wrong with him being bi, or exploring the possibility.

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I don't feel like I'm passing, even though I feel more ace than gray. It's just that what I do (or don't do) in the bedroom is nobody's business-- the only person I've ever told was a really good friend with whom I hung out nearly every day, and she began getting the impression that this was going to turn into a relationship. I felt bad for kinda leading her on, so I figured that she deserved to know. Everyone else pretty much knows that I have no dating history and am in no rush at all to enter my first relationship, and that's really enough for me.

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Being fair, there's nothing wrong with changing your mind about what you label yourself. People change over time, and it's perfectly okay that you've changed. Try coming out again, and really emphasise that you're still not sexual - but you weren't what you thought you were, either. If they don't believe you, stuff them - you told them you'd changed, and if they start being smug with you, then just ignore it.

I remember getting quite angry at a Glee episode because of this (not that that's a surprise, Glee angers me a lot - it's a love-hate relationship) - Kurt's love interest Blaine began to explore the possibility that he was bisexual instead of being exclusively gay, and Kurt gets into a hissy bitch-fit because he MUST be wrong, and he's just trying to delude himself. Erm, no. It actually REALLY ANNOYED me when it turned out that Blaine WAS just gay - because there would be nothing wrong with him being bi, or exploring the possibility.

Nonononononononononono.

I was a nonlibidoist asexual. I actually was. I was not mistaken about my label. I had never experienced sexual attraction or desire or libido or anything sexual. I wasn't repressing it. I felt like everything sexual just...bounced off of me. There was nothing nothing nothing sexual about me at all. I never had sexual thoughts or feelings, trying to force a fantasy did nothing. My repulsion wasn't causing it, because I'm still repulsed a bit, it's just been going down as I become more gray.

I don't really know what caused it. But I actually was asexual. I found AVEN at 15, and didn't accept it until I'd been nonlibidoist and asexual for 5 years. Then I started coming out. 5 years...I mean, that's a long time to go without any sexual feelings whatsoever...I was pretty sure of it.

I went another year and a half, except I was openly asexual then. So 6 1/2 years of knowing/suspecting my asexuality...

And just recently started experiencing sexuality - libido, sexual attraction and desire - the whole shebang. I fit the gray definition now to a T...

That's why this is so hard. I actually changed. I don't want people to think that I was mistaken or that I "cured" it or that I "grew out of it", because it's not really any of those things. I don't want my experience to make it look like asexuality can be "cured" or "grown out of", basically.

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Great Thief Yatagarasu

I wouldn't see it as a problem, but maybe dishonest if you were asked directly and you chose to conceal something.

I'm viewed as a celibate (mostly) straight woman. not a repulsed asexual heteroromantic woman. This only bothers me when others talk about my (lack of) sex life.

H xx

Thing is, I'm never ASKED if I'm ace or not, because most people just don't know about it. If I were to come out as demisexual, then most people would probably assume that I'm just giving myself a fancy name for no reason. Hell, even my mum was kinda like that - in her speech about how I shouldn't label myself, she actually said that "back in my day, we would have just said you have a low sex drive, we wouldn't have given it a fancy name like this."

I'm viewed like that as well, really. And since I'm quite boisterous and silly, I make sexual jokes and I can join in those kinds of discussions (although they do often devolve into "you should really get a man!", which isn't a statement I disagree with), and being fair, it's not their business what I feel.

If I'm being honest, if I were asked, I wouldn't deny it (it might be really awkward, though)...but I have denied my biromantic nature. I feel terrible that I have, but I've been taunted by people assuming that I'm a lesbian for SO LONG, it would kind of prove them right if I were to reveal it. And I mostly like boys anyway - my girl crushes, while still strong and legitimate, are no where near as frequent as my man crushes, and they last for shorter periods of time. If I were to never mention it, no one would know - and if I'm being honest, I'm not sure if I'd ever be really comfortable in a lesbian relationship. But I often remark about how hot a girl is, because I genuinely think that she's gorgeous, only to make the defence that "I don't mean that in a sexual way, I just appreciate how nice she looks." Most people just nod understandingly, but I AM telling the truth...because I don't find men sexually attractive either. I hate that I keep denying it so I can pass as straight, but I'll be honest, unless I fall in love with a lesbian girl, there's no actual point in telling people this. It kinda hurts, though.

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Great Thief Yatagarasu

Being fair, there's nothing wrong with changing your mind about what you label yourself. People change over time, and it's perfectly okay that you've changed. Try coming out again, and really emphasise that you're still not sexual - but you weren't what you thought you were, either. If they don't believe you, stuff them - you told them you'd changed, and if they start being smug with you, then just ignore it.

I remember getting quite angry at a Glee episode because of this (not that that's a surprise, Glee angers me a lot - it's a love-hate relationship) - Kurt's love interest Blaine began to explore the possibility that he was bisexual instead of being exclusively gay, and Kurt gets into a hissy bitch-fit because he MUST be wrong, and he's just trying to delude himself. Erm, no. It actually REALLY ANNOYED me when it turned out that Blaine WAS just gay - because there would be nothing wrong with him being bi, or exploring the possibility.

Nonononononononononono.

I was a nonlibidoist asexual. I actually was. I was not mistaken about my label. I had never experienced sexual attraction or desire or libido or anything sexual. I wasn't repressing it. I felt like everything sexual just...bounced off of me. There was nothing nothing nothing sexual about me at all. I never had sexual thoughts or feelings, trying to force a fantasy did nothing. My repulsion wasn't causing it, because I'm still repulsed a bit, it's just been going down as I become more gray.

I don't really know what caused it. But I actually was asexual. I found AVEN at 15, and didn't accept it until I'd been nonlibidoist and asexual for 5 years. Then I started coming out. 5 years...I mean, that's a long time to go without any sexual feelings whatsoever...I was pretty sure of it.

I went another year and a half, except I was openly asexual then. So 6 1/2 years of knowing/suspecting my asexuality...

And just recently started experiencing sexuality - libido, sexual attraction and desire - the whole shebang. I fit the gray definition now to a T...

That's why this is so hard. I actually changed. I don't want people to think that I was mistaken or that I "cured" it or that I "grew out of it", because it's not really any of those things. I don't want my experience to make it look like asexuality can be "cured" or "grown out of", basically.

Sorry, I think that's kind of what I meant. But there's nothing wrong with actually changing, because again, people change. I don't believe in cures, and I'd have thought that at 21 you'd have done all your growing by now. You changed. It's that simple, and if people don't understand that, then they can shove off. That's what I meant, really. But I seriously don't get why people CAN'T change their labels - because a label is just a word, and people shouldn't have to carry the same label with them for the rest of their lives.

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mylittlehazmat

I understand the sentiment, because even as an asexual with a more definite division, I still often pass as a sexual - usually lesbian, but what the hey. :rolleyes: It's ridiculously frustrating, and I'm annoyed (because I expect it, in my cynical little mind) that grey's have more difficulty via. unintended passing because most people would just shrug it off as "normal". Kinda like reaching the same conclusion, without respect for the different steps that were taken to get there. (and it's the assumption that the "same" conclusion is reached that actually is annoying ...)

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Okay, so this is where being Grey or Demi gets kinda awkward. Thing is, I'm demisexual, but that basically means that I'd be sexual only in a committed relationship...which is what a lot of sexual people are like as well. And I'm biromantic as well, but because I prefer men to women, I'm basically "straight". So, to most of the world, I'm just a shy, virgin heterosexual girl who's just too picky. In other words, I can Pass as something I'm not. If I never mentioned it to anyone else, they'd never be able to guess, because I'd be doing no different to what a lot of my sexual friends do. And actually telling people leads to more "I was like that at your age" and "You just need to find the right person" speeches that they would if I were asexual, and what makes it worse is that that last one is technically RIGHT - I DO just need the right person. Passing for straight makes things really difficult, if I'm honest. On the bright side, though, it at least means that I don't have to come out to people if I don't want to, and people don't give me grief for being more on the ace side of things.

Who else has a problem with this? And does anyone actually have a problem with it?

You sound exactly like me. Like, exactly. And I find it really strange as well. I spend a lot of time in very queer-friendly social circles, so to them I generally do come out as demi (my queer community is really awesome and accepting and totally understands the whole "just because you're in a straight relationship doesn't mean you're straight" thing). Outside of those circles, though, I generally do pass as straight. I don't like the feeling of having my real identity erased, but a lot of the time it's just too complicated to try to explain. It's definitely a trade-off, though...

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I don't think I was "cured" or that I "developed". I'm sticking with the idea that I was asexual and through fluidity became gray.

I just don't think I would go up through 21 1/2 and never experience any of those things and then have it all dropped on me like that...if it was normal development.

I didn't fully cure my repulsion, either...and I don't believe that asexuality can be "cured".

Fluidity is the best concept I've got for it right now.

Sorry, cured was the absolute wrong word to use there. I sometimes struggle expressing what my head is thinking :redface:.
I remember getting quite angry at a Glee episode because of this (not that that's a surprise, Glee angers me a lot - it's a love-hate relationship) - Kurt's love interest Blaine began to explore the possibility that he was bisexual instead of being exclusively gay, and Kurt gets into a hissy bitch-fit because he MUST be wrong, and he's just trying to delude himself. Erm, no. It actually REALLY ANNOYED me when it turned out that Blaine WAS just gay - because there would be nothing wrong with him being bi, or exploring the possibility.
Oh heavens don't even start me on that episode! I like Glee, I do. And I know they meant well. They just didn't do the storyline justice IMHO.
I don't feel like I'm passing, even though I feel more ace than gray. It's just that what I do (or don't do) in the bedroom is nobody's business--
What Caspian said.
But I often remark about how hot a girl is, because I genuinely think that she's gorgeous, only to make the defence that "I don't mean that in a sexual way, I just appreciate how nice she looks." Most people just nod understandingly, but I AM telling the truth...because I don't find men sexually attractive either.
This.

Not too long ago, Adam Levine did an interview with a gay magazine. (I forget with one, and as I read 5, I'm not going to hazard a guess and give you all the wrong info.)

In it, he said that liking (aesthetically) a person is TOTALLY different to finding them sexually attractive and that he personally feels comfortable enough in his skin to like a man, but know that it doesn't mean he fancies them in any way shape or form.

I wish the rest of society thought like he did.

And :cake: for your hurt.

H xx

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Thing is, I'm demisexual, but that basically means that I'd be sexual only in a committed relationship...which is what a lot of sexual people are like as well.

I hate to ask this and bother you and possibly offend you, but I am really curious about this.

What is the difference? If a lot of sexual people are just like you, does that make a lot of sexual people demi, or you sexual, or both? How would you describe the difference between you and a friend of yours who is also only sexually attracted in committed relationships, but who you label as sexual?

EDIT: Nevermind, I figured it out. I think. You don't feel sexual attraction to anyone else but a significant other, whereas its assumed that your straight friend does, but just doesn't act on it. Right? I feel confident in my answer. :)

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Great Thief Yatagarasu

Thing is, I'm demisexual, but that basically means that I'd be sexual only in a committed relationship...which is what a lot of sexual people are like as well.

I hate to ask this and bother you and possibly offend you, but I am really curious about this.

What is the difference? If a lot of sexual people are just like you, does that make a lot of sexual people demi, or you sexual, or both? How would you describe the difference between you and a friend of yours who is also only sexually attracted in committed relationships, but who you label as sexual?

EDIT: Nevermind, I figured it out. I think. You don't feel sexual attraction to anyone else but a significant other, whereas its assumed that your straight friend does, but just doesn't act on it. Right? I feel confident in my answer. :)

Yeah, that's about right. :D

I've only felt sexual attraction once, and it was with someone I really, really cared for - like, I dunno, his hugs were just electric somehow. And I've felt another kind of attraction for people that's almost sexual attraction, but not quite. I don't have that much evidence for my demisexuality, but I just kind of...feel that I am. Like, some people "just know" that they're in love, or that they're trapped in the wrong body, or that they're gay. That's how I feel - to me, sexual feelings just can't exist without love.

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SpirallingSnowy

I pass as straight to everyone - because for the longest time thats what i thought i was until people around me really started indepth conversations about sex drive or said what they wanted, or drooled over celebs etc.... i just thought i was slow in the sex drive department. And picky, and difficult.

Because ive been out as asexual since for a few years now, my friends are of the attitude that its just a phase - because when i was in my late teens and early 20's i was having sex pretty regularly with the boyfriends i had, and was had a friend with benefits other times. I have more exes than most of the straight girls and guys i know!

But what ive come to realise, that for me, was i got bored really easily and wasnt getting my emotional needs met in these rels. but thats a different topic all together.

But with my current boyfriend - He is sexual. hes got a really strong sex drive/ arousal. He knows i dont match him like that. And he doesnt want me to pretend it either cos for him, thats a huge turn off.

I can walk the walk and talk the talk, but that doesnt mean i want to, or like to be assumed as straight. But people struggle to understand asexuality, that to them, grey is just a sexual without much sex drive. But my boyf knows different.

I used to see myself as just a indifferent asexual, but with a high drive/arousal sexual boyf its harder to explain the blurred boundaries. Mind you although he has a high drive and arousal, he is not your stereotypical sexual because he needs that emotional connection with someone before he will have sex with them. He does see others as sexual, but he very rarely would of acted on it.

So its an interesting mix, thats for sure.

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[ But I seriously don't get why people CAN'T change their labels - because a label is just a word, and people shouldn't have to carry the same label with them for the rest of their lives.

I hope that some day, people won't need to label other people. It's fine if you want to label yourself to yourself (or explain yourself to your chosen other), but the world should simply know you as yourself, not "an XXX". Then people wouldn't have to pass, or come out, or change their labels, or any of that stuff.

But that's kind of blue-sky-ish, I guess, and if someone else said it, I'd say "get real, that'll never happen".

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I hope that some day, people won't need to label other people. It's fine if you want to label yourself to yourself (or explain yourself to your chosen other), but the world should simply know you as yourself, not "an XXX". Then people wouldn't have to pass, or come out, or change their labels, or any of that stuff.

But that's kind of blue-sky-ish, I guess, and if someone else said it, I'd say "get real, that'll never happen".

It'll happen. It just may take something catastrophic for us to forget about the silliness of these little divisions. I mean, how many zombie movies have you seen where people are busy worrying about whether they are gray or pansexual? :lol:

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I hope that some day, people won't need to label other people. It's fine if you want to label yourself to yourself (or explain yourself to your chosen other), but the world should simply know you as yourself, not "an XXX". Then people wouldn't have to pass, or come out, or change their labels, or any of that stuff.

But that's kind of blue-sky-ish, I guess, and if someone else said it, I'd say "get real, that'll never happen".

*HUGZ Sally. Is it one of those things that could be changed if we had the courage???

'Lord, give me the courage to change the things I can

The acceptance of things that cannot be changed,

And the common sense to know the difference' *

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