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Gray-A, Demisexual, Semisexual, Welcome!


Kelly

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Hello I'm new and trying to educate myself. What's gray A? And what does demisexual mean? And will someone please teach me how to give cake to other newbies :(

Hi, you can look here to seewhat grey-a is: http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Grey-A

demi sexual: http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Demisexual

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Sometimes, I've considered sex as a price for intimacy. I love the cuddling, being close to another person, feeling their warmth, the very feeling of another living breathing human being there next to you. I would love to just hold a person, without it instantly becoming some sort of foreplay.

In the moment, I wondered why things had to turn overtly sexual, why we couldn't just continue what we were doing.

Thank you both for this, I feel exactly the same way.

Recently, I was with someone that I really liked romantically, but I became frustrated with him when he pushed for the relationship to become sexual. I felt ike it totally wasn't necessary...I was totally fine with just talking to him and kissing him and doing little things like that, so I became annoyed when he thought my romantic attention towards him meant that I was interested in sex with him. I was really confused.

I ended up having sex with him for about two months regardless, "for the price of intimacy" like Accidental Monster said, but it just wasn't the same. I convinced myself that I was into it for a while, but I became more and more grossed out by him the more and more sexual our relationship became.

I always feel this...miscommunication with people, and I feel like I'm just broken or something, so...it's nice to read that other people have felt this way too.

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So this evening I'm sitting in an evolutionary studies seminar about sex and gender differences and post-relationship grief, and the speaker stops to make the point that we're at a point where limiting ourselves to heterosexual homosexual, or even heterosexual/homosexual/bisexual, is ridiculous for surveys and general thought. He's making the point that we have to stop using a heteronormative view of everything. And then, he says, "before I ran this study, I had never hear the word demisexual." And then he explains it, and I feel like something just hit me in the chest.
My initial reaction is, there's a word for this??
So I'm here to say hi, and thanks for everyone who makes this forum exist, because until this very day I thought there was just something wrong with me. I thought I must be fundamentally flawed, because I'd never, ever met another person who couldn't be sexually attracted people they didn't know or weren't close to. And here it is! Here we are!
Me: I'm Jacqui, an undergraduate biology major hoping to pursue a Master of Public Health degree eventually. I'm a woman who values work ethic and strength of character. I'm a demisexual, and it's amazing to know I'm not alone.
Of interest: is there anyone here who's somewhere in Gray-A ina relationship with a heterosexual or homosexual person? Does it cause strain? Thanks!

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purplesapphire13

Welcome, Newbie! I'm fairly new here myself. It was sort of similar for me; I read online about someone who described themselves as demisexual; I looked up the word since I'd never heard of it, and realized it sounds a lot like me. It was quite a revelation.

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I'm not sure what I am or what is happening to me but I use to function as a heterosexual with some bisexual interests, and now that I have found the right emotional partner I can no longer be sexual. Yes, there is great strain on the relationship...and yes, i have a history of this pattern. From as early as i can remember, my body would turn off once in an established relationship. For my partner, it is very important to the continuity of our setting. When we are not sexual he is upset, when we are, I am upset.....what to do? More deeply embedded in my psyche (sp?) are memory's of a dysfunctional paternal model, that would cause a visceral reaction in my prepubescent gut....now what?

I'm turning 52 this year.....so let it go, you say! I'm vital, strong and look sexual to others...I can still see it, but I can't feel it.

Glad I found this site....it helps to know that the spectrum of sexuality includes asexuality.

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Welcome, Newbie! I'm fairly new here myself. It was sort of similar for me; I read online about someone who described themselves as demisexual; I looked up the word since I'd never heard of it, and realized it sounds a lot like me. It was quite a revelation.

Thanks :)

It's odd--I'm in a relationship, and I always known that this is how I am, I just didn't know there were others. So how much does it really change anything? For me, the most interesting part is that the presence of a definition of demisexual means that other people can actually be aroused by--well, essentially, bodies. And that's odd to me. I was never certain of that before. I thought maybe they were aroused by the idea of sex and found other people aesthetically pleasing, which I can better understand. So in a way, this is less a revelation about myself than about 99% of everyone else.

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I just found I was a gray! I always tought of myself as an ace, but since I live in PR there isn't much awareness about such things. I'm glad I can say I'm a gray because I finally feel at ease with myself. I'm really overjoyed.

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I never truly knew about asexuality up until really recently. I just started realizeing that some people I was with although I had feelings for those people.

I was not feeling sexual attraction to them in the slightest. I had romantic and strong feelings toward them...but just that area was not there.

It was odd cause I did associate myself as a fairly sexual person up until this point and I am. But just with some people its not there...so i guess this how I came to find that I was a grey

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TheRaveNinja

So, I'm brand new here and aware that most forums dislike new posts in old forums, but I have no clue how to go about trying to talk to people here. :s

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you guys for being here. I have been fighting with who I am for the last 7 year depression from why couldnt I be normal and be like evereryone else. I am a demisexual who has been scared of intmacy. I can only cary on online relationships cause i dont want anyone touching me andI even only want to find any sexual interaction between me and a lover such as a fiancee. Thank you for spreading the word.

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This is fascinating. It's only recently that I've started wondering about my sexuality. I don't mind telling a little about myself (guess I should do that in the welcome thread too!). I'm upper 30's, female identify and by birth, never been in a relationship. I've never had sex, never even masterbated (and I just realized I have also never admitted to that aloud). I'm celibate by choice, having to do with personal religous decisions and fear of intimacy, and that's where I've always stopped thinking about it. The thing is, is that it's never bothered me. I've never felt a strong desire to be in a romantic relationship and certainly not in a sexual relationship. I don't have a strong sex drive, perhaps maybe 1-2x a year max. Because of that though, I've never identified asexual. I never knew there were other people out there who were going through the same thing. And how can you not like a site that gives cake!!

Still learning all the terms, though right now it seems like gray asexual seems the best fit.

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So this evening I'm sitting in an evolutionary studies seminar about sex and gender differences and post-relationship grief, and the speaker stops to make the point that we're at a point where limiting ourselves to heterosexual homosexual, or even heterosexual/homosexual/bisexual, is ridiculous for surveys and general thought. He's making the point that we have to stop using a heteronormative view of everything. And then, he says, "before I ran this study, I had never hear the word demisexual." And then he explains it, and I feel like something just hit me in the chest.

My initial reaction is, there's a word for this??

So I'm here to say hi, and thanks for everyone who makes this forum exist, because until this very day I thought there was just something wrong with me. I thought I must be fundamentally flawed, because I'd never, ever met another person who couldn't be sexually attracted people they didn't know or weren't close to. And here it is! Here we are!

Me: I'm Jacqui, an undergraduate biology major hoping to pursue a Master of Public Health degree eventually. I'm a woman who values work ethic and strength of character. I'm a demisexual, and it's amazing to know I'm not alone.

Of interest: is there anyone here who's somewhere in Gray-A ina relationship with a heterosexual or homosexual person? Does it cause strain? Thanks!

Haven't been on the site for a while, so not sure if this thread is still active. I am actually married - have been with my husband for 19 years, married for 14. I had a lot of pain with sex, and pretty much no sex drive for years and years and years. Understandably so, my husband couldn't deal with the lack of physical and romantic intimacy, and began dating someone in July of last year. Interestingly enough, he's dating a man. He's not sure if he's bisexual or gay, or what. It's been tremendously painful and devastating for me to deal with this - I have huge feelings of jealousy, and for the most part loved our life together. (We still live together - we still love each other, very much - but things are certainly weird. I think it is good that it is becoming more acceptable for people to be asexual. I think it's great that people are identifying how they feel and being open about it (it seems to be largely younger people though - I'm thinking a lot of older people are still in the asexual closet). I would just say being open and honest in any relationship is a wonderful thing. I wish I had been more comfortable with my orientation instead of just feeling guitly and like something was horribly wrong with me.

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purplesapphire13

Hey JLR, you may have already seen it, but there are threads for older asexuals in this forum that you might want to check out. :)

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  • 2 weeks later...

I posted this in the welcome area, but thought I'd post it here as well, as I identify with grey-A more than I do with complete asexuality.

I've been sitting in front of my computer crying for the last hour or so. I didn't realize asexuality was a legitimate thing until about a week ago. I found this website a few hours ago. It's just...I've spent my whole life feeling awkward and wrong when it came to romance and sex. I was the kid in middle school who defined date as "I want them to come over to climb trees with me and maybe we could draw, too." I can count on one hand the number of crushes I've had.

I had a boyfriend, a few years back. He wanted more from our relationship than I was comfortable giving. And I tried to tell myself that I was just nervous and shy and that I really wanted him the way he wanted me, but the whole time there was a voice in the back of my head saying "this is wrong" and the first thing I would do when I got home was to brush my teeth and tell myself that it would be better next time. I would tell myself that he loved me, and that the cuddling was nice, and that it would be worth it. Needless to say, our relationship ended badly.

I've spent the past few years wearing a mask. I'm a college student. You learn how to say the right things, how to verbally express desires you don't feel. But I can count on my thumbs the number of people I've ever been sexually attracted to and I had resigned myself to the fact that I will end up alone after all my friends have grown up and paired off.

And then I found this, through Sherlock fanfiction of all places, and I'm crying but they're good tears because I'm not alone. I'm not a freak. And I'm not the only one who feels the way I do.

Sorry for the rambly-ness of that, but it's all the things I couldn't say in real life that have needed to be said for so long. The difference is, now I have the words to say them.

-Ceb

This is one of the nicest things I've ever read, mainly because this is EXACTLY how I feel too :) I was so happy when I heard that there was a word to describe how I feel and that somewhere, there are others just like me. Finding out that I'm not a freak and I'm not completely alone is one of the best things that's ever happened to me.

I'm a guy, 20 years old, living in London. I'd kill to meet a demisexual girl :) If any of you are in London, please consider meeting up with me some time. It would be nice to just meet you and hang out...would be quite surreal actually.

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I am really afraid that I will spend the rest of my life alone, as this world is very sexual-oriented. I don't find guys attractive that often. I know I am not into girls, not even romantically. I have been married for 10 years until I figured out that I was a gray, and I told myself that I will discover myself and will love myself and will not pursue a relationship until I am my own person. My husband and I are "separated", but we still live under the same roof, and he thinks that since I still live there ( I only make minimum wage, I am trying to find a higher-paying job so I can move out), I should still "put out" every now and that. does anyone else out there thinks this is ridiculous? We also share a daughter, so it's very difficult explaining to her that we are not together, but we are still living together. I better find a good-paying job stat!

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My husband and I are "separated", but we still live under the same roof, and he thinks that since I still live there ( I only make minimum wage, I am trying to find a higher-paying job so I can move out), I should still "put out" every now and that. does anyone else out there thinks this is ridiculous?

That is really ridiculous and wrong on so many levels. You never owe anyone else sex. Even if you're married, even if he is paying some or all of your expenses, your body is yours and you do not owe him access to it. Best of luck in getting out of that situation and continuing to role model personal strength and self-respect for your daughter.

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It's strange...I feel like I'm coming out of the closet or something. Funny thing is that for the past 20 years or so most of my friends and family believed I was gay because I never slept around and I was happy to let them think that as it was easier than trying to explain something that I didn't understand myself until recently. I'm not making comparisons or anything...I don't mean one is easier than the other...to be honest I don't know what I mean...I have over 20 years of confusion about who and what I am and so much to say that I can't possibly make sense with one statement...Anyways...I'm very happy I found this community :) It's nice to know I'm not alone

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My friends have recently been irritating me with the way which they prioritize their sex lives.

Coming on 22 years old and I have never entertained a relationship, don't want children.

I don't care about gender and I have feelings of attraction but never anything that tempted me to initiate intimacy.

Currently confused!

I don't know if sex is something I want to incorporate in my life. I guess I've begun to think of myself as demisexual, though I feel hawkward saying that when people ask. So far I am pretty disinterested and have been seeking intensely platonic friendships.

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sorry, think i understand demisexual but still somewhat confused by the term grey-A? suppose i ought just to look it up, but who can trust the google these days....

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  • 2 weeks later...
MonsterNessa

Nice to find this forum! I have already identified as pansexual for many years and just recently stumbled upon the concept of demisexual. If I must have a label being a demi-pansexual (or a pan-demisexual) fits pretty well.

A lot of people here seem really stressed about all of this. Though granted, a lot of those same people also seem to be stuck in stressful personal/romantic/sexual situations, so I guess I've lucked out in that respect.

I am on the opposite end of the spectrum. Even before the terminology came around I didn't think there was anything wrong with me; I haven't for several years. Instead I am certain there is something wrong with everyone else.

But that's my ego for you. I tend to have no problem whatsoever with people of different sexual orientations who are open minded and accepting. It's when I run into people with negative attitudes and minds that require neat and tiny boxes that I start desregarding the value of their opinions.

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Great, I will make some friends from here ^_^ :cake::cake::cake::cake::cake::cake::cake::cake::cake::cake:

If someone is from Mexico, can feel free to contact me.

Like in this month I found myself like Asexual (Actually in a general way). From some hours ago I find myself as Demisexual. ;)

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sorry, think i understand demisexual but still somewhat confused by the term grey-A? suppose i ought just to look it up, but who can trust the google these days....

http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Gray-A

I think that the sometimes they feel sexual attractions as the sexual people but not all the time, or not so frequently.

In my case (before I discover Asexuality). I doesn't feel sexual attraction to people that I have a "normal relationship" or if I had, there was something inside me that don't want to being involved, and it was a strong feeling.

I always wanted to "find" the "adequate person" get married some day and have kids. I even could not have a problem doing it in a future with my wife if she wants (I think so) or the romantic stuff (hugs and so)

All these things I could never do it to a person that I could consider my friend because, I just can't do it.

​I hope that I am not being so specific xD This happens when English is not your main language xD

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WhenSummersGone

Could someone please explain to me the differences in asexual, demisexual, gray-a, and semisexual?

Asexual - Someone who doesn't experience sexual attraction

Demisexual - A person who does not experience sexual attraction unless they form a strong emotional connection with someone

I think Gray-A and Semisexual mean the same thing as it says on this page here: http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Gray-A

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  • 2 weeks later...

I never have experienced satisfying sexual relationships, most of the time I didn't like it or felt indifferent. I've never fell in love and never formed a long lasting Relationship, but I fantasized frequently and I do have satisfying pleasure with myself which involve thinking about an imaginary person. When I have sexual fantasies it is always about this someone imaginary I would be truly in love with. I have never been able to find this person I'd like to have sexual intercourse with. The very rare times I was turned on it is because my brain convinced me, even if it was false, that I was in love. Damn I am confused :P

I *think* that I am demi-sexual! I mean, I Wonder if looking for THE person(s) you would like to have sex with and never finding them because they don't exist can be a form of asexuality...

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purplesapphire13

I never have experienced satisfying sexual relationships, most of the time I didn't like it or felt indifferent. I've never fell in love and never formed a long lasting Relationship, but I fantasized frequently and I do have satisfying pleasure with myself which involve thinking about an imaginary person. When I have sexual fantasies it is always about this someone imaginary I would be truly in love with. I have never been able to find this person I'd like to have sexual intercourse with. The very rare times I was turned on it is because my brain convinced me, even if it was false, that I was in love. Damn I am confused :P

I *think* that I am demi-sexual! I mean, I Wonder if looking for THE person(s) you would like to have sex with and never finding them because they don't exist can be a form of asexuality...

I think it can be. I would describe myself as much the same way. Certainly sexual people might go searching for something in a partner that they can't find, but I don't think that the problem in their case is that they never meet anyone they want to have sex with. I agree that it is very confusing though!

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nomnomnomcakes

happily demisexual! so glad I have a place to show it off ;)

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Demisexual and totally unphased by discovering it!

Nice to know there's a place where people feel the same way I do though.

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makesince92

Hello ! I'm sort of new here and I'm not quite sure what to say....Hey?

Aghmm...I'm 20 years old and from Portugal. I'm studying physics engineering. I'm a panromatic FTM and am currently in a sexual relationship. I have thought about labeling myself as gray-A. I just feel lost..

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