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Gray-A, Demisexual, Semisexual, Welcome!


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Blondebaker7

I've always been under the impression that I was "broken" sexually.. I thought maybe I was lesbian because I had had relations with men but never felt a desire to have sex with them ( I'm not a lesbian, just confused) . I did end up having sex but only because I felt it was what I was supposed to do while in a relationship. When I did have sex, I felt nothing.. No pleasure what so ever!

I have orgasmed from oral stimulation but never vaginally. I cannot say I don't have sexual attraction to men because I do. I want to enjoy sex but I can't ( physically or emotionally). I could honestly live my life never having sex again! Having said this, I'm married to a sexual man of 1 1/2 years and we've been in a relationship off and on for 11 years. We have 2 children, 2 1/2 year old and a 3 week old. We've always struggled with our intimacy side of the relationship and I really only wanted to have sex because I wanted a family. He's always said that I would grow out of this feeling and maybe needed to try different things to find what I liked. I've tried to like it and have experimented but the thought of sex makes me uncomfortable now. He has been very understanding but I know deep down he struggles with it. It feels like a chore to have sex and he sees it. He's mentioned that he doesn't like having intercourse anymore because im not into it and he hates begging for it!

I had never heard of this community before until I came across AVEN online. I'm desperate to get insight into where I fit in, I know I cannot identify as asexual but demisexual or grey-a, seem like somewhere I might. Is there anyone out there who can relate? How do I stay in this marriage if I really cannot " fix" myself??

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I don't know if this is going to help anyone, but it certainly helped me...

Since I was a teenager I have identified my sexuality as asexual (heteroromantic). I still do, but in recent years I've amended it to the following:

Sex: Female
Gender: Trigender: cisgender, ambigender and agender
Sexual orientation: Gray-A: demisexual (leaning towards asexual; “demi-ace”)
Romantic orientation: Heteroromantic

See, for me, sexual orientation and romantic orientation are two distinct things, much like sex and gender. I'm happy to identify as demisexual and/or asexual because even if I'm romantically involved with a person, I still don't completely experience average to intense primary sexual attractions, but I will weakly feel sexual with my partner. I prefer to call myself "demi-ace" but there's a lot to explain with that and it's a lot easier simply saying demisexual (which isn't completely true) or asexual heteroromantic (which isn't completely true, apart from the heteroromantic part).

If one is trying to find out exactly what their sexual orientation is, it's important to first identify what their sexual and romantic orientations are, and acknowledging that they may or may not align. Mine certainly don't. It's also important to acknowledge that your sexual or romantic orientations may not neatly fit into a particular label, because again, mine certainly don't. Intensities can vary, and sexual and romantic orientations are in spectrum rather than in finite titles.

I hope this helps a few people.

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  • 3 weeks later...
ByTheTracks

Trying to narrow down the exact definitions for ourselves is so difficult. What is reassuring is that we all seem to "fit" here, and that what we have experienced for so long all fits within the category of "normal." Like, there's nothing wrong with us. That alone is so reassuring.

I keep going back and forth between gray and asexual. My curiosity about sex and the way people see sex, the drives that they feel, often makes me wonder if I am gray. Plus, the fact that I am married and seemed to be somewhat OK with sex in the early part of any relationship I was in. But part of me says that was just the natural progression of getting to know someone.

Having sex to have a child seemed OK especially - maybe because there was a purpose to it that I understood.

But the big thing that makes me think I might be asexual and not gray is definitely that when I see someone I'm attracted to, my first (or second or third) thought is not "I would like to have sex with that person." But I guess I am still figuring it all out.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hey, I'm brand new, first post and everything. I have known for a long time I was demisexual, I just didn't have a word for it, and I just felt I was weird to never experience sexual desire toward anybody. I did find out I have a perfectly healthy sex drive when I am in love, and that is why I know I am demisexual. I do feel desire toward my sweet husband and have for years now, been happily married. But never have I once thought of sex with another person, or have felt in any way aroused when seeing a naked person. I also have no desire whatsoever to flirt or be romantic with anyone else. This makes it very easy for my husband to know I could never cheat on him LOL.

The only porn that does anything for me is like situational, but I don't feel like that means I am turned on by the people, and I never actually want to try the things in the porn. Anyone know how to interpret stuff like that?

Anyway, I also love to talk with random people on the internet, it is very stimulating and entertaining to me to meet new people and learn new things. However, I run into the pervs a lot. It is never enough anymore to say I'm happily married, loyal and monogamous. They insist I will like them better every freaking time, so I try to explain that not only am I loyal to my husband, but that I am demisexual, and their pictures do absolutely nothing for me. They always insist I am going through a phase, that I'm crazy, or that they will definitely be the one to turn me on UGH. Why do I take the time to explain this? Because once in a while they will see that I am someone worth talking to instead of something to masturbate to. I have made a couple friends this way, and they never again try to hit on me, thankfully. I have to take the bad with the good of course, but I still get really annoyed with the people that insist on trying to enhance their egos and/or getting off.

This is the main reason I wish people understood the sexual spectrum better, it would be far less time consuming.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I'm not exaclty a newbie anymore, but here goes.

I didn't really feel broken, not like a lot of people talk about. I feel sexual desire, it's just not ever aimed at a person, so I never had the issue of not being able to be turned on. I didn't think I was abnormal. Looking back on it (and considering I just figured out I was cupiosexual less than 24 hours ago, I'm not looking back very far) I felt more of an interalized misogyny. I told myself repeatedly that "I didn't look at someone and think 'I want to have sex with them' because I'm a girl and girls don't think of sex like that." I grew up in a ultra misogynist town so it's not surprising I'd write something off because of gender. I try not to, I'm a feminist, but I grew up being told my place was in the kitchen and that I needed to find a man to take care of me. And, when it comes to sex, that men all want sex and can't control their sex drive and it was up to me as the woman to maintain the sexual boundries because I didn't have the same sexual urges men have. Even after I broke through, moved out of that town (and across the country) and found out just how much I'd been believing the crap I'd been fed (I was considered very out there and "hippy-ish" because I didn't want to give up my job and because I was 23-at the time-and still single. Most of my high school classmates where married by 20. And I had been told many times I was "running out of time" and my future husband wouldn't "let" me keep my "feminist ways." Feminisim was a bad word in my home town.), I still wake up sometimes and realize I've let that poison change how I view something.

It was quite a shock when my mother said there are people she wants to sleep with. Not only was this a woman, this was one I look up too, and one who rarely dates, let alone engages in sexual activity with another person. It sent me on a downward spiral of questioning everything I thought I knew about sexual attraction. I began asking my female friends if they ever look at someone and think "I'd like to have sex with them." And they all came back with yes. And...I don't. I've never looked at anyone and thought that. Even when I'm head over heels in love, I don't look at someone and think "I want to sleep with you." I think "I want sex" and "I love you" and combine those into "I will have sex with you." But it's the emotional connection that makes me choose them as my sexual partner, not any sort of desire to have sex with them specifically.

Mostly, I'm just here to say that I'm happy to have found my label. I'm happy to know who I am, and that I'm not alone. And that it's not just because I'm a girl.

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It's definitely not just because you're a girl.

Seems like you've got yourself pretty well figured out, which is very healthy.

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  • 2 weeks later...

I just want to extend a big thank you to this website and forum for existing, it has really helped me put things into perspective for my relationship. All of your stories, sad or hopeful or terrifying or uplifting, have been helpful :) I hope the best for everyone regardless

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  • 2 weeks later...
simplejosh

here i am demi-sexual with most asexual types and am seeking friends in the erie pa area

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  • 2 weeks later...
jamesjackson8

welcome everyone to the party and I can't wait to get to know all of you.

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Hello~, everyone. My name is Lali and I've recently been identifying as demi/gray ace. Let me tell you a little about myself and my experiences. It's only been recently that I learned about the asexuality spectrum, through tumblr mostly. When I found out that there was an actual name for what I felt, I was so relieved and I felt less alone. Ever since I was younger, especially in my teenage years I never experienced much sexual or romantic attraction to people. But when I did it was always towards males. Only 2 males in all my 22 years of life, to be exact. The first time I ever had any sexual encounters was when I was 18. And it was never full blown sex nor did I ever reach orgasm. It's very difficult for me to become excited or aroused by anything or anyone. I very rarely ever masturbate, and when I do it takes a while to get to completion, if I ever do. I've only felt intense romantic feelings towards males mainly, but never much intense sexual attraction. When in a relationship, I like to be very affectionate. I like intense make out sessions, touching and caressing. But anything more makes me a little uncomfortable and anxious. I dont mind touching my boyfriend's body, I like it. And I like when he touches mine too, I feel loved and desired and I like that. But when it becomes too much and he gets too excited, I tend to shy away. I've told my boyfriend about me identifying as gray-ace and he said he understands and that sex isnt the most important aspect of a relationship and that there are alternatives. I am so glad that he's been understanding and hasnt broken up with me because sex might not be a possibility in the future, or it could be who knows? It's all up in the air, honestly. But yes, thats basically my story in a nutshell. I'm sure there's a lot that I left out but I cant fit it all into this intro! I look forward to getting to know other people's stories and experiences! :)

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cosmic-ace

So I noticed semisexual in the title, but I'm having a hard time finding a concrete definition. I have a fluid sexuality with ace being my "default", would semisexual be a label for that?

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I think I have felt sexual attraction (mostly towards women) but I've only rarely felt it and it's barely there. The idea of sex doesn't bother me at all and I'd probably try it if the oppertunity came up - but then again I also couldn't care less if I never ever go through with it either or never be in a relationship that might involve that scenario. Either way, after years of misunderstanding asexuality and being in denial I'm happy to identify as a grey-asexual now :)

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Hello all,

I'm looking for a bit of advice. I'm Demi and I recently had a guy come up to me on the street to start chatting with me then ask to exchange phone numbers. I know him vaguely as he is a street vendor near the subway stop I take after work. As horrible as it is I don't actually know his name. We exchanged phone numbers and went to get coffee, He's made it fairly clear that he is interested romantically and I have made it just as clear that I am not, as of yet, interested. Has anyone else out there found a good way to have that conversation?

I don't want him to think I am leading him on but I don't know how to explain.I have tried to talk to him and he nods but then talks about how he wants to take me to dinner.

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Hi everyone,

I'm new on here and have just recently discovered the asexuality spectrum. After finding out this exists it was hard to accept that I was anything other then heterosexual, which is how I had lived my entire life. Even though I knew I exhibited many signs of being Gray I was still married for 10 years, had a kid and had just always believed I was the default vanilla heterosexual. My wife and I had been having intimacy issues for a long time and any sexual contact had to be initiated by her and this just wrecked both of our self esteems, but we loved each other and have a really deep connection and bond. I just didn't understand it because when we had sex, I enjoyed it and it felt good. But at the same time, if a month went by and we didn't have it, I didn't really notice. Reading on here about peoples distinctions and separations between sex, love, and attraction has been really helpful to us. Realizing that I didn't require the physical sex act to feel complete love from my wife was a revelation in my understanding of myself and our relationship.

My wife and I talked about exactly this for the first time a few days ago and we had both been searching for info on our behaviors and had both found out about the asexuality spectrum separately. It felt really good to be completely open with her and to finally understand our situation better. So many other things came out of that conversation, things we didn't know about ourselves and were afraid to admit to the other person. It was a real high point in my life and in our relationship. Moving forward we are working on things every day and now are not embarrassed or ashamed to talk about anything with each other and that feels great. My self esteem is the highest it has ever been and discovering this site has a lot to do with that, so thank you all for being so active and supportive on here.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi! I was just reading several of these replies, and it feels good to know that there are other people like me. I feel like I've been trying to force myself to be sexually attracted to people, and it has been very difficult. Sure, I enjoy cuddling and kissing but nothing more than that. I'm pretty much repulsed by genitalia, and I could never understand why I couldn't move past that. I've never had sex and I struggle trying to participate in this sexual world of ours. After all of the reading I've been doing on this site, I think I'm Biromantic Demisexual? Everyone posting their stories has really cleared up a lot of confusion. Thank you! I don't think I can offer much advice (I'm probably going to be the one asking for it, honestly), but I can offer my sincerest gratitude and a listening ear. All of you rock :)

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After plenty of research and a chat on this forum...I have finally worked out that I am GRAY ACE!!

I am quite relieved to have found this place and I don't feel so alone in knowing there are others out there like me. I do and always have felt different to the mainstream type of person and I am slowly starting to become okay with that. We're all beautiful in our own ways right? even if we aren't the raging nymphomaniacs that society expects us to be.

I must say reading some of the replies on here makes me a little sad...to think we all believed we had something wrong with us or were 'sexually broken'....we need to embrace who we are and be okay with ourselves :)

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Marinapples

Hi! I just discovered this place as I was searching for info on demisexuality. I've identified as demi since I heard about it a year ago, but I still have some questions; does being demi automatically mean you're bi/pan? If not, how do you know who you're attracted to?

I'm in a relationship and have no intention of "experimenting", and I don't know how to know what genders I'm attracted to, as I'm not really attracted to people in general. I'd be nice to hear if any of you guys have thoughts/experiences on this.

I've only ever experienced attraction towards my boyfriend and my ex when I was with him, plus a male friend I had a crush on. In the beginning of my first relationship I didn't actually want sex, but I was pressured, and I just assumed this was how it went down. In my second it all went better, as I discovered demisexuality, and could explain it to him. I still have to admit I pressured myself a bit because I was afraid he'd lose interest, but we now have a sex life were both happy with.

One thing I noticed is that many who identify as demi says it would take then years to have that bond, while for me it's usually months. Then again I do bond quite easily with the right people. Does this mean anything?

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Hi Everyone,

I'm still pretty new here and an infrequent poster, but I find some new thread that I enjoy every time. Reading the posts here has been a really amazing experience of relief and recognition. I have felt and thought so much of what you all have described. Thank you for sharing your stories so candidly.

@Marinapples asked an interesting question about how do you know who you're attracted to? And I have been working through this question for myself.

My early sexual development was all very clearly heterosexual. I'm female and had crushes on male movie stars, characters in books, and boys in my class. In college+ I had a boyfriend or two, first started to see that my sexual desire is different than "the norm," and had a lot of lesbians hit on me to the point that I wondered what my 'vibe' was. Fast forward to these last two years when I finally worked out that I probably do want some sort of committed-ish relationship in this life and how do I find that person? Heck, who is that person?!

@Syrenje above lays out all her labels and talks about how separate she feels gender, sexuality, and romance are. I feel the same way with sexuality being the least important b/c sex is not what gets me into a relationship, and all the other labels falling into place because of the two I can pin down.

I am biologically female, I identify as female, I intentionally dress in a way that people in society would identify me as female. I'm not very girly but that's just personality :)

I am romantic. I enjoy and I want deep, relationships with other humans that have the extra twang of a love match. I get sips of this from many of the friendships I have formed in recent years, but I want to be able to drink deeply of this feeling and some of the fun of it. Further, I truly believe I could fall in love with anyone. In my life so far it's been a couple of straight men, a couple of gay men, and I recently felt the flutter of something I knew could grow for a woman I recently met.

I'm here because I'm demisexual, but I would be fine without actual intercourse in a relationship ever. I love making-out and cuddling and I have a fondness for male bodies. But lips are lips, arms are arms, heartbeats and breaths are the same in everyone so I am, at a minimum questioning, and I actively want to be open to the right person and the right sexual mix.

So, I doubt all demis are pan but I am definitely panromantic, and, I guess, aspirationally(?) pansexual.

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I don't know if this is going to help anyone, but it certainly helped me...

Since I was a teenager I have identified my sexuality as asexual (heteroromantic). I still do, but in recent years I've amended it to the following:

Sex: Female

Gender: Trigender: cisgender, ambigender and agender

Sexual orientation: Gray-A: demisexual (leaning towards asexual; “demi-ace”)

Romantic orientation: Heteroromantic

See, for me, sexual orientation and romantic orientation are two distinct things, much like sex and gender. I'm happy to identify as demisexual and/or asexual because even if I'm romantically involved with a person, I still don't completely experience average to intense primary sexual attractions, but I will weakly feel sexual with my partner. I prefer to call myself "demi-ace" but there's a lot to explain with that and it's a lot easier simply saying demisexual (which isn't completely true) or asexual heteroromantic (which isn't completely true, apart from the heteroromantic part).

If one is trying to find out exactly what their sexual orientation is, it's important to first identify what their sexual and romantic orientations are, and acknowledging that they may or may not align. Mine certainly don't. It's also important to acknowledge that your sexual or romantic orientations may not neatly fit into a particular label, because again, mine certainly don't. Intensities can vary, and sexual and romantic orientations are in spectrum rather than in finite titles.

I hope this helps a few people.

Demi-Ace seems like a term that might work for me!!

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ItAllMakesSense

Good day, everyone! I just wanted to say that you're all wonderful, you're beautiful, you're you! Cheers!

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Katy No Pockets

Hi! I'm new to this forum, but I learned a lot about asexuality and the spectrum from tumblr. After about 6 months or so of realizing that I was not heterosexual, I have finally figured out that I am a demi-romantic grey-asexual. So far my romantic attractions have been to close male acquaintances, but there have only been three, and all since I was 18, because I did not have any close trusting relationships in high-school. I have had exactly one sexual attraction but I felt absolutely no desire to act on it. I have never actually been in a relationship, because I have terrible timing with my crushes, so I do not know how I would react if another person wanted to kiss/cuddle/have sex.

Before learning about (grey/demi)asexuality, I just assumed I was heterosexual and just hadn't met the right person. I also confused romantic, sensual, and occasionally aesthetic attraction for sexual attraction. Now that I know the difference, things make a lot more sense.

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just another fangirl

It's only been recently that I learned about the asexuality spectrum, through tumblr mostly. When I found out that there was an actual name for what I felt, I was so relieved and I felt less alone.

This is literally exactly what I'm feeling right now!

I'm very new here and I just wanted to say thank you to this forum for existing!

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scarletlatitude

Reminder to everyone that there is also a forum for Q&A which may serve you better in getting answers. I don't think a lot of people read this post. I'm not trying to chase you out, but you may have better luck getting answers to your questions there. :)

So I noticed semisexual in the title, but I'm having a hard time finding a concrete definition. I have a fluid sexuality with ace being my "default", would semisexual be a label for that?

Semisexual is another word for grey. The great thing about labels is you get to pick your own. One thing I want to work on is a sexuality dictionary. But in the meantime, AVEN has a wiki that might help you: http://www.asexuality.org/wiki/index.php?title=Main_Page

Hello all,

I'm looking for a bit of advice. I'm Demi and I recently had a guy come up to me on the street to start chatting with me then ask to exchange phone numbers. I know him vaguely as he is a street vendor near the subway stop I take after work. As horrible as it is I don't actually know his name. We exchanged phone numbers and went to get coffee, He's made it fairly clear that he is interested romantically and I have made it just as clear that I am not, as of yet, interested. Has anyone else out there found a good way to have that conversation?

I don't want him to think I am leading him on but I don't know how to explain.I have tried to talk to him and he nods but then talks about how he wants to take me to dinner.

I'd watch out. This sounds a tad bit creepy to me. If he won't respect your boundaries you need to get out of there ASAP. A person who won't listen when you say you are uncomfortable is not the kind of person you need to be around.

Hi! I just discovered this place as I was searching for info on demisexuality. I've identified as demi since I heard about it a year ago, but I still have some questions; does being demi automatically mean you're bi/pan? If not, how do you know who you're attracted to?
I'm in a relationship and have no intention of "experimenting", and I don't know how to know what genders I'm attracted to, as I'm not really attracted to people in general. I'd be nice to hear if any of you guys have thoughts/experiences on this.

I've only ever experienced attraction towards my boyfriend and my ex when I was with him, plus a male friend I had a crush on. In the beginning of my first relationship I didn't actually want sex, but I was pressured, and I just assumed this was how it went down. In my second it all went better, as I discovered demisexuality, and could explain it to him. I still have to admit I pressured myself a bit because I was afraid he'd lose interest, but we now have a sex life were both happy with.

One thing I noticed is that many who identify as demi says it would take then years to have that bond, while for me it's usually months. Then again I do bond quite easily with the right people. Does this mean anything?

I'm demisexual and heterosexual. Demi means that you do not experience sexual attraction unless you have a strong emotional bond first. Who you get bonded to (same gender, different gender, all the genders) is another issue entirely.

The demi bonding happens at your own pace. It could be days, months, years. I think it also depends on the person you are bonding with. Some people just click better, you know? Others it might take several years to get a good bond going.

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  • 2 weeks later...

New terms for sexuality remind me of a "Calvin and Hobbes" bit where the father's overwhelmed at the grocery store trying to choose peanut butter, "Smooth or creamy? Or chunky. Is chunky chunky-enough or do I need extra chunky?" and on n on. :)

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stanthebluefish

I feel like I'm the only person struggling with weather or not to consider myself "Grey-A" or not, anyone with me, or gone through this? :/

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