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For women - How often does your boyfriend pay for your food when going out to eat?


misscuriosity

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How would you get treated to movies and dinner while in a long distance relationship?? I'm not sure a long distance relationship is what you wanted anyway.

I'm sorry you are in pain, but according to what you have said he has tried to tell you that he doesn't like being controlled and told how to spend his money. Whenever you give someone a list of expectations, you are basically telling them that you expect them to live up to your expectations. You are trying to mold them into what is the ideal boyfriend for you instead of letting them be themselves. That is controlling, don't you see??

This isn't so different than the problems you ran into with you ex-boyfriend. You may think he did a better job of showing he loved and cared for you, but if that was the truth then you would not have broken up with him. In reality, your ex tried to own you and control you by expecting you to no longer associate with your male friends as well as pressuring you to have sex because that was his definition of you being a good girlfriend.

And how can you say the current guy has never been honest with you? According to another thread, you stated that he said "I can't honestly say I wouldn't be interested in sex, but right now, at this moment, it doesn't matter to me." He's definitely dealing with this relationship in the moment, but can not honestly say that a long-term asexual relationship would interest him. You were relieved that he had accepted you, yet you seem to have a hard time accepting him. Why all the fuss and surprise that this doesn't look like a "several years" relationship anyway??

Lucinda

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He doesn't take criticism very well or appreciate advice. I hope, one day, he will realize that I was just trying to be a good girlfriend and learn to appreciate people's advice.

I hope you'll learn from this experience that criticism and "advice" are not what a new relationship needs, and revise your idea of what being a good girlfriend means. It generally means the same thing as a good boyfriend: appreciating each other for who they are, not giving them a list of your expectations.

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misscuriosity

As a male aromantic, I've always found the notion of [usually] boyfriends buying presents and treats for their girlfriend one of the more ludicrous elements of romantic relationships. I won't deny that when I encounter this phenominon I struggle to hold down a chuckle.

The way I see it, there are only 2 real ways finances within a relationship can work:

1. You each buy your own stuff, with occassional cross over gifts if you don't have any money etc.

2. Whoever feels like paying at the time is the one that pays, dependent upon the idea that this "burden" is shared.

Anything else seems incredibly sexist to me. It implies that the woman is dependent on the man, while at the same time causing the man to expend considerable quantities of his own finances to keep a relationship in tact as the woman does nothing on her end. Sexism is all about inequality, and that ain't equal.

Seriously expecting a boyfriend to pay for everything and constantly treat you to things, if you are not doing the same in return, is laughable to me.

I understand where you're coming from, but I think most women naturally feel they want to be taken care of by their men, and I am not exception. He definitely has got a problem: Living off his mommy or sister, not being independent. It's not about money or gifts, like you may be thinking from my post, but it's how much he's willing to change his situation, improve himself, and do something nice to make his girlfriend feel special. I did all the kind of things to make him special, too, so I wasn't only expecting him to do so. I tend to be lazy about cooking for myself, but when he was hungry, I didn't mind going downstairs and cooked for him for an hour. Something like that.

How would you get treated to movies and dinner while in a long distance relationship?? I'm not sure a long distance relationship is what you wanted anyway.

I'm sorry you are in pain, but according to what you have said he has tried to tell you that he doesn't like being controlled and told how to spend his money. Whenever you give someone a list of expectations, you are basically telling them that you expect them to live up to your expectations. You are trying to mold them into what is the ideal boyfriend for you instead of letting them be themselves. That is controlling, don't you see??

This isn't so different than the problems you ran into with you ex-boyfriend. You may think he did a better job of showing he loved and cared for you, but if that was the truth then you would not have broken up with him. In reality, your ex tried to own you and control you by expecting you to no longer associate with your male friends as well as pressuring you to have sex because that was his definition of you being a good girlfriend.

And how can you say the current guy has never been honest with you? According to another thread, you stated that he said "I can't honestly say I wouldn't be interested in sex, but right now, at this moment, it doesn't matter to me." He's definitely dealing with this relationship in the moment, but can not honestly say that a long-term asexual relationship would interest him. You were relieved that he had accepted you, yet you seem to have a hard time accepting him. Why all the fuss and surprise that this doesn't look like a "several years" relationship anyway??

Lucinda

I'm surprised that you actually took the time to go through another thread to study my relationship history, and I appreciated that.

I think you are making a good point there. From his point of view, I may be trying to control him or pressure him, like how my ex did to me. I do feel bad about making him uncomfortable. So, should I have not told him how I felt about him not being independent, though? At some point, I would have had to tell him that I wasn't happy about him not having any motivation to improve himself and living off his family at the age of 24. I'm 30, so he shouldn't have been surprised to know that I wanted a long term relationship.

He doesn't take criticism very well or appreciate advice. I hope, one day, he will realize that I was just trying to be a good girlfriend and learn to appreciate people's advice.

I hope you'll learn from this experience that criticism and "advice" are not what a new relationship needs, and revise your idea of what being a good girlfriend means. It generally means the same thing as a good boyfriend: appreciating each other for who they are, not giving them a list of your expectations.

I guess I didn't mention this, but this one night, he even cried a little bit in front of me, and told me that he was actually depressed about himself. He was still living with his mom, doesn't have money to get out, he's not confident about himself, etc. The next day, I decided to cheer him up and wrote him a letter telling him all the great qualities he had. So, he knew his problems, and I thought he wanted me to guide him and give him advice, as I am a lot older and have more life experiences. Otherwise, why would he tell me all that? He just needed someone who'd listen to him? Of course I'd try to help him as a girlfriend if he wasn't happy about being the way he was. It was natural for me to bring the subject up since he was concerned about his situation a few weeks ago. I have learned a lot from this relationship, but I disagree with you, Sally on this one. I believe some new relationships need criticism and advice to become stronger, too.

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As a male aromantic, I've always found the notion of [usually] boyfriends buying presents and treats for their girlfriend one of the more ludicrous elements of romantic relationships. I won't deny that when I encounter this phenominon I struggle to hold down a chuckle.

The way I see it, there are only 2 real ways finances within a relationship can work:

1. You each buy your own stuff, with occassional cross over gifts if you don't have any money etc.

2. Whoever feels like paying at the time is the one that pays, dependent upon the idea that this "burden" is shared.

Anything else seems incredibly sexist to me. It implies that the woman is dependent on the man, while at the same time causing the man to expend considerable quantities of his own finances to keep a relationship in tact as the woman does nothing on her end. Sexism is all about inequality, and that ain't equal.

Seriously expecting a boyfriend to pay for everything and constantly treat you to things, if you are not doing the same in return, is laughable to me.

Pretty much this with the exception that I am not a male aromantic. In prior relationships, its always been a roughly even split. Sometimes I might buy stuff for my SO and sometimes they might buy stuff for me, but mostly we concerned ourselves with our own finances. I don't mind if I'm with a boyfriend and they want to buy me dinner on occasion, its a nice gesture. However, I am going to do the same for him (finances dependent of course) and I would feel incredibly weird and awkward if my bf was the one always buying stuff for me.

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So, he knew his problems, and I thought he wanted me to guide him and give him advice, as I am a lot older and have more life experiences. Otherwise, why would he tell me all that? He just needed someone who'd listen to him?

It sounded to me like he just wanted you to listen compassionately to him. Not try to fix him or be his mentor. He has to fix himself, if he really wants to do so. That's the case even if he's much younger than you, as you mention.

My opinion (and it's only an opinion) if that you must make a decision whether you want this guy as your boyfriend as he is, or you want someone who has the money to take you out to dinner and treat you like a princess and doesn't live with his mother.

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misscuriosity

Did anyone even read what I said earlier?

1. Paying for the girl shows you care. It's sort of that "I'll take care of you, I'm willing to have less money if it means having you" sort of ideology. It's taught in movies and stuff.

This is exactly what I mean. I consider myself an independent woman, but my situation is different. I worked hard nearly for eight years and saved money to move to the U.S. and all my savings go to my living expenses and college tuition. While I am in the U.S., I am not allowed to work off campus as an international student. I'm very tight with my money, so whenever we hang out, I don't want to spend money. With this situation, it would be nice if my boyfriend financially supports me to show how much he cares. That's what my past boyfriend did.

I don't expect my boyfriend to take me out to dinner at a fancy restaurant every week or buy me expensive gifts. He doesn't have to treat me like a princess all the time. I want my boyfriend to realize, like, "She's tight with her money, so I should not have her pay for my stuff." but offers a little bit of support with consideration. If the situation is opposite - We live in Japan and he's an exchange student going to school and is not allowed to work there, I would support him as much as I could as I would be working and have at least some income, even though it might make the situation a little awkward as women don't normally financially support their boyfriends, but a situation is a situation.

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Whoops. Looks like my advice was taken badly, but I had assumed you had been going out for a while longer than 3 weeks =/ Oh well, what's done is done. And from the sound of it, you two aren't really on the same page on your relationship and, deep down, you're not too happy being with him as he is right now. In my experience with people in general, it is very hard to change someone who doesn't really want to change. If you have these concerns, have expressed them to him, and he is unhappy with them, and vice versa, I honestly can't see this relationship working out (from what information you've given us).

As for the original question in general (boyfriends paying for their girlfriends), my take on it is that everyone and every relationship is different. There are some girls who like being independent and would take offense at their boyfriend paying for their dinner or movie ticket or whatever. There are some girls who like to be treated to something nice occasionally (or very often, lol). There are some guys who like to act the "gentleman" and pamper their girlfriends. There are some guys who believe women should pay their own way in the relationship. With my friends' relationships, I see all types. As long as both people are "on the same page", so to speak, the relationship tends to work fine in that respect. If not, there is often friction due to differing expectations.

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I don't expect my boyfriend to take me out to dinner at a fancy restaurant every week or buy me expensive gifts. He doesn't have to treat me like a princess all the time. I want my boyfriend to realize, like, "She's tight with her money, so I should not have her pay for my stuff." but offers a little bit of support with consideration. If the situation is opposite - We live in Japan and he's an exchange student going to school and is not allowed to work there, I would support him as much as I could as I would be working and have at least some income, even though it might make the situation a little awkward as women don't normally financially support their boyfriends, but a situation is a situation.

Boyfriends in the US don't generally financially support their girlfriends. But along with that culture, a situation is not a situation; it is specific to the two people involved. It seems that all you're going to accomplish by your resentment of him is drive him away, or at least make him feel worse.

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I don't expect my boyfriend to take me out to dinner at a fancy restaurant every week or buy me expensive gifts. He doesn't have to treat me like a princess all the time. I want my boyfriend to realize, like, "She's tight with her money, so I should not have her pay for my stuff." but offers a little bit of support with consideration.

If you don't want to pay for his things, then don't offer to pay. Simple as that.

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I'm only going to answer the original question of boyfriends paying for their girlfriend's stuff, not the situation.

I think so long as they're both on the same page, it doesn't matter who pays for what. Some girls like to be treated, some don't. Some guys like to treat their girlfriends, some don't. So long as both on agree on what's going to happen, that part of the relationship won't be an issue.

In my case: I will occasionally buy a gift for my boyfriend because I love him, and he does the same for me. If I want something and can't afford it, but he can, he'll buy it for me, and vice versa. When we want to go out, we'll agree beforehand on who pays for what, and if we don't agree, we don't go out, be it for a meal, the movies, etc.

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0 - When I had one

0 - As I'm single right now

When I go out, I never eat until I go back home... so no paying for anything for me.

Anything else I rather ask them for the pocket change if I have trouble locating some.

"It's 23.45, you got 45 or 50 cents?"

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I don't expect my boyfriend to take me out to dinner at a fancy restaurant every week or buy me expensive gifts. He doesn't have to treat me like a princess all the time. I want my boyfriend to realize, like, "She's tight with her money, so I should not have her pay for my stuff." but offers a little bit of support with consideration. If the situation is opposite - We live in Japan and he's an exchange student going to school and is not allowed to work there, I would support him as much as I could as I would be working and have at least some income, even though it might make the situation a little awkward as women don't normally financially support their boyfriends, but a situation is a situation.

Boyfriends in the US don't generally financially support their girlfriends. But along with that culture, a situation is not a situation; it is specific to the two people involved. It seems that all you're going to accomplish by your resentment of him is drive him away, or at least make him feel worse.

I have to disagree with this and say that boyfriends in the US generally do pay for dinners, tickets, etc. when on a date. They don't financially support them as in paying their rent or anything, but there is definitely an expectation that the guy at least offers to pay for the meal. My friends' boyfriends have always paid for their meals, and when I dated the guy was surprised that I wanted to pay my own way.
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misscuriosity

I don't expect my boyfriend to take me out to dinner at a fancy restaurant every week or buy me expensive gifts. He doesn't have to treat me like a princess all the time. I want my boyfriend to realize, like, "She's tight with her money, so I should not have her pay for my stuff." but offers a little bit of support with consideration.

If you don't want to pay for his things, then don't offer to pay. Simple as that.

It's not that simple when you're in a relationship. Sometimes there's a situation that it may create an awkward moment if you don't offer to pay.

OK, I'm done with this topic. Problem has been solved. Thanks guys for your honest opinions and advice.

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It's not that simple when you're in a relationship. Sometimes there's a situation that it may create an awkward moment if you don't offer to pay.

Dunno, if there's a "situation" often enough then that suggests there are other problems to me. Although you've said more than enough demonstrate that there were indeed other problems here.

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never odd or even

although its nice when somebody does pay for you, i actually really hate it. i would much rather pay my own way.. i often feel guilty and unnerved and irritated if someone does...

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As a male aromantic, I've always found the notion of [usually] boyfriends buying presents and treats for their girlfriend one of the more ludicrous elements of romantic relationships. I won't deny that when I encounter this phenominon I struggle to hold down a chuckle.

The way I see it, there are only 2 real ways finances within a relationship can work:

1. You each buy your own stuff, with occassional cross over gifts if you don't have any money etc.

2. Whoever feels like paying at the time is the one that pays, dependent upon the idea that this "burden" is shared.

Anything else seems incredibly sexist to me. It implies that the woman is dependent on the man, while at the same time causing the man to expend considerable quantities of his own finances to keep a relationship in tact as the woman does nothing on her end. Sexism is all about inequality, and that ain't equal.

Seriously expecting a boyfriend to pay for everything and constantly treat you to things, if you are not doing the same in return, is laughable to me.

I was going to make a post saying something to this effect, but it looks like you've already beaten me to it. In fact, you probably put it better than I ever could.

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I don't have a bf, but when I'm dating.. I want him to pay for the first date. That's about it.. from then on, we can split. If he offers to pay for 2nd/3rd date, especially if he has a job/is rich (the last guy I slept with had his own private plane..) then fine. I'm a student with lots of debt, that's fair. But I personally feel guilty having a guy pay the way, all the time. First or 2nd date is fine, then split.

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Out of all the guys I've dated and my husband now....almost every time unless I call out it's my treat really!

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With my past boyfriends, we've always split the bill, at my insistence. And I plan on continue doing so in future relationships.

I appreciate when a guy wants to treat me and all, but I hate having other people buy stuff for me. I don't know, I just can't stand it.

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