Jump to content


Photo

For women - How often does your boyfriend pay for your food when going out to eat?


  • Please log in to reply
48 replies to this topic

#1 misscuriosity

misscuriosity

    Amoeba Colony

  • AVEN Members
  • 156 posts
  • Location:USA
  • A/Sexuality:Romantic Asexual

Posted 21 August 2011 - 12:07 AM

I used to date a guy who LOVED to spoil me as a girlfriend, even though he wasn't rich or anything. He just loved me and wanted to impress me. He took me to nice restaurants when he got paid, and even if we just went to a fast food restaurant, he bought my sandwich and milkshake. He took me to movies every weekend, etc.

However, my new boyfriend rarely pays for my food when we go to fast food restaurant. He works a few days a week, doesn't have to pay for rent, phone bills, car insurance, or college tuition, but still doesn't spend much money on me. In fact, he buys records every time we go to a music store. He spends money on concerts and his beer, too.

So, I assume that he just doesn't know how to treat a woman, he's just really cheap, and/or he doesn't like me that much. I tested him if he'd accept my money or not if I offer to pay for his food, and he did. When I told my friend about it, she was shocked to hear it, and she even said, "If your boyfriend is not trying to impress you by treating you when you guys have just started dating, he's not worth dating for long." I like him, and I think we have great chemistry together, but I don't feel important like how my ex used to make me feel very important. He hasn't even introduced me to his family as a girlfriend yet.

He has a bachelor's degree in computer science, so if he tries to find a computer-related job, he could make a lot of money, too. He just chose not to. If I were him, I'd do any kind of job to save up money as fast as possible so I could get out of my parents' house, become more independent, and take good care of my girlfriend. I think that's what my ex would have done, too. He's not willing to improve himself or treat me like I want him to as a girlfriend. What do you guys think? I tried to explain this to him, but I don't think he understood how serious I was about what I said. I don't want to offend him, so is there any way I could tell him in a polite way, but makes him realize how serious I am about the way he treats me? Our relationship is almost like "friends with benefits" if he doesn't treat me like I'm his girlfriend, and I don't like that.

#2 LostPenguin

LostPenguin

    The Atrix Has You

  • AVEN Members
  • 1,042 posts
  • Location:California
  • A/Sexuality:Asexual.

Posted 21 August 2011 - 12:10 AM

SIGH...

There's SO much debate these days over women being capable of taking care of themselves and not wanting to be babied by their men, so they should also be capable of taking care of their own food needs, opening their own doors, etc. Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with a man acting like a gentleman in a relationship, at the very least in the early-on phase. Especially since he doesn't pay for a lot of other things it sounds like he's kind of stingy. Have you ever talked to him about it?
There's a hole in my neighborhood down which of late I cannot help but fall...

#3 (Nightlight)

(Nightlight)

    The Atrix Has You

  • Banned
  • 1,286 posts
  • Location:New England

Posted 21 August 2011 - 12:22 AM

I would certainly pay for my girlfriend's things.

It sounds like you've mostly been spoiled by your past boyfriend and it seems as though you're just comparing your new ones to him. Not all guys will make you feel like a princess, and if that is what you have grown to expect or at least want, then I would find somebody else, because he doesn't seem to meet those expectations for you.

Posted Image
"Saints walk the earth, they don't patrol the skies. They're the people right behind you, riding tandem through the night. It's the comfort that's discovered, between two sets of eyes. It's the hand that stills the other, that shakes like candlelight. Like candlelight."

#4 misscuriosity

misscuriosity

    Amoeba Colony

  • AVEN Members
  • 156 posts
  • Location:USA
  • A/Sexuality:Romantic Asexual

Posted 21 August 2011 - 12:28 AM

SIGH...

There's SO much debate these days over women being capable of taking care of themselves and not wanting to be babied by their men, so they should also be capable of taking care of their own food needs, opening their own doors, etc. Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with a man acting like a gentleman in a relationship, at the very least in the early-on phase. Especially since he doesn't pay for a lot of other things it sounds like he's kind of stingy. Have you ever talked to him about it?


Well, I can't say, "Hey, why don't you stop spending money on records but treat me nice dinner?" because I know he's been collecting music stuff even before we started dating. I did tell him that he probably shouldn't go to concerts or spend money on beer often so he could save money and get his own place to live as soon as possible, but he said, "I don't go to concerts or drink beer THAT often. They aren't that expensive anyway." But from my understanding, he does go see bands play quite often and every time he goes, he buys two or three bottles of beer. He could save a lot of money if he stops going to concerts.

He once said he doesn't like when people try to control him, so I told him, "I don't want you to think I'm trying to control you, but I expect my boyfriend to become more independent. Just so you know, any girlfriend you will get will feel the same way as I am feeling about you." He just said, "Alright." He was sleepy when we had this discussion last night, so I don't think he took me seriously.

I just want him to show that he actually cares about me. I got over my ex, but I just miss the feeling of being loved and wanted.

I would certainly pay for my girlfriend's things.

It sounds like you've mostly been spoiled by your past boyfriend and it seems as though you're just comparing your new ones to him. Not all guys will make you feel like a princess, and if that is what you have grown to expect or at least want, then I would find somebody else, because he doesn't seem to meet those expectations for you.


Yeah, I have a problem comparing my new one to my past boyfriend. I'm sure it bothers him.

But this new boyfriend understands my asexuality and respect me more as asexual, while my ex didn't and even tried to force me to have sex with him, so my new boyfriend is special to me. I know no one is perfect, but I just want to feel loved.

#5 Member33070

Member33070

    A-Grade AVENite

  • AVEN Members
  • 4,814 posts

Posted 21 August 2011 - 12:34 AM

x

Edited by Birdwing, 31 May 2012 - 06:40 PM.


#6 misscuriosity

misscuriosity

    Amoeba Colony

  • AVEN Members
  • 156 posts
  • Location:USA
  • A/Sexuality:Romantic Asexual

Posted 21 August 2011 - 12:51 AM

1. Paying for the girl shows you care. It's sort of that "I'll take care of you, I'm willing to have less money if it means having you" sort of ideology. It's taught in movies and stuff.


This is exactly what I mean. I consider myself an independent woman, but my situation is different. I worked hard nearly for eight years and saved money to move to the U.S. and all my savings go to my living expenses and college tuition. While I am in the U.S., I am not allowed to work off campus as an international student. I'm very tight with my money, so whenever we hang out, I don't want to spend money. With this situation, it would be nice if my boyfriend financially supports me to show how much he cares. That's what my past boyfriend did.

#7 (Nightlight)

(Nightlight)

    The Atrix Has You

  • Banned
  • 1,286 posts
  • Location:New England

Posted 21 August 2011 - 12:55 AM

With this situation, it would be nice if my boyfriend financially supports me to show how much he cares. That's what my past boyfriend did.

And that is a very understandable thing to want, though considering he is living at home, it might take a while for him to be ready to help you financially support yourself, when he himself isn't financially independent. If you're willing to be patient, you may be able to help him one step at a time, and ideally the first step would be him getting his own place and becoming financially stable before being able to treat his girlfriend to things.

Edit: I just realized that I might be mistaking that he is living with his parents. I thought I read that somewhere but now I can't find it. *throws arms up* Oh well.

Posted Image
"Saints walk the earth, they don't patrol the skies. They're the people right behind you, riding tandem through the night. It's the comfort that's discovered, between two sets of eyes. It's the hand that stills the other, that shakes like candlelight. Like candlelight."

#8 misscuriosity

misscuriosity

    Amoeba Colony

  • AVEN Members
  • 156 posts
  • Location:USA
  • A/Sexuality:Romantic Asexual

Posted 21 August 2011 - 01:08 AM


With this situation, it would be nice if my boyfriend financially supports me to show how much he cares. That's what my past boyfriend did.

And that is a very understandable thing to want, though considering he is living at home, it might take a while for him to be ready to help you financially support yourself, when he himself isn't financially independent. If you're willing to be patient, you may be able to help him one step at a time, and ideally the first step would be him getting his own place and becoming financially stable before being able to treat his girlfriend to things.

Edit: I just realized that I might be mistaking that he is living with his parents. I thought I read that somewhere but now I can't find it. *throws arms up* Oh well.


He is 24, still living with his mother, so he doesn't pay for the rent or living expenses. His mother even pays for his car insurance. One day I asked him if I can practice driving by using his car, and he said, "I have to ask my mom. She's paying for my car insurance." and I thought that sucked. His sister pays for his cell phone bill for some reason. I asked him why, and he said, "She just offered to pay, so why not accepting it?!" He receives financial aid for school, so he doesn't have to pay for tuition, either. All he's paying for is gas for his car, food to eat out, beer, records, and concerts. He's saying he's trying to save money for video equipment, but I don't even see him working hard enough to save up fast.

Do you have any idea how to explain how I feel about our relationship being this way, and how to suggest him to become more independent, without sounding I am complaining or comparing him to my ex? Or is there any smart way to suggest him to pay for our own food from now on? I really don't like how he lets me pay for both of our food sometimes when he knows I don't have any income and I'm tight with my money.

#9 (Nightlight)

(Nightlight)

    The Atrix Has You

  • Banned
  • 1,286 posts
  • Location:New England

Posted 21 August 2011 - 01:12 AM



With this situation, it would be nice if my boyfriend financially supports me to show how much he cares. That's what my past boyfriend did.

And that is a very understandable thing to want, though considering he is living at home, it might take a while for him to be ready to help you financially support yourself, when he himself isn't financially independent. If you're willing to be patient, you may be able to help him one step at a time, and ideally the first step would be him getting his own place and becoming financially stable before being able to treat his girlfriend to things.

Edit: I just realized that I might be mistaking that he is living with his parents. I thought I read that somewhere but now I can't find it. *throws arms up* Oh well.


He is 24, still living with his mother, so he doesn't pay for the rent or living expenses. His mother even pays for his car insurance. (One day I asked him if I can practice driving by using his, and he said, "I have to ask my mom. She's paying for my car insurance." and I thought that sucked.) His sister pays for his cell phone bill for some reason. I asked him why, and he said, "She just offered to pay, so why not accepting it?!" He receives financial aid for school, so he doesn't have to pay for tuition, either. All he's paying for is gas for his car, food to eat out, beer, records, and concerts. He's saying he's trying to save money for video equipment, but I don't even see him working hard enough to save up fast.

Do you have any idea how to explain how I feel about our relationship being this way, and how to suggest him to become more independent, without sounding I am complaining or comparing him to my ex?

Honestly I'm not sure. Someone else would probably be better help giving you advice there. Maybe show him this thread, or sit down with him and talk to him when he isn't tired and make sure you drill it into his head that you want him to better himself because it is hard for you to take your relationship with him seriously while he is still living with his mother.
Posted Image
"Saints walk the earth, they don't patrol the skies. They're the people right behind you, riding tandem through the night. It's the comfort that's discovered, between two sets of eyes. It's the hand that stills the other, that shakes like candlelight. Like candlelight."

#10 killjoy188

killjoy188

    Asexy Samurai

  • AVEN Members
  • 896 posts

Posted 21 August 2011 - 01:24 AM

He is 24, still living with his mother, so he doesn't pay for the rent or living expenses. His mother even pays for his car insurance. (One day I asked him if I can practice driving by using his, and he said, "I have to ask my mom. She's paying for my car insurance." and I thought that sucked.) His sister pays for his cell phone bill for some reason. I asked him why, and he said, "She just offered to pay, so why not accepting it?!" He receives financial aid for school, so he doesn't have to pay for tuition, either. All he's paying for is gas for his car, food to eat out, beer, records, and concerts. He's saying he's trying to save money for video equipment, but I don't even see him working hard enough to save up fast.

Do you have any idea how to explain how I feel about our relationship being this way, and how to suggest him to become more independent, without sounding I am complaining or comparing him to my ex?

Honestly, I think he sounds like a bit of a deadbeat, and it also sounds from your posts as though you don't really like him all that much. In your other thread you mentioned him drinking/using your things without asking. You just don't seem very compatible (although I agree with you that most any other girlfriend he got would also expect him to try to become independent and not be a deadbeat).

I've met people like him before, who just coast through life, living off their parents or sometimes bf/gf, and while I'll be friends with them, I can't stand being roommates with people like that, and I wouldn't want to date one either. I know you like him because he's one of the few people okay with dating an asexual, but you still don't seem happy with this guy...

#11 Tito

Tito

    Mega Mitosis

  • AVEN Members
  • 254 posts
  • A/Sexuality:nope

Posted 21 August 2011 - 01:26 AM

edit:

Honestly, I think he sounds like a bit of a deadbeat, and it also sounds from your posts as though you don't really like him all that much. In your other thread you mentioned him drinking/using your things without asking


...yeah sounds like there's a pattern here. If someone just lives with their parent, or just doesn't like to buy things as much, or just is kind of aimless, or just has some occasional boundary issues with belongs... well the last one would be a pretty big red flag, but the rest are probably okay. But all of them together do say "deadbeat" to me without some wider issue going on. Probably not someone I'd even want to be friends with.

#12 misscuriosity

misscuriosity

    Amoeba Colony

  • AVEN Members
  • 156 posts
  • Location:USA
  • A/Sexuality:Romantic Asexual

Posted 21 August 2011 - 01:26 AM

Honestly I'm not sure. Someone else would probably be better help giving you advice there. Maybe show him this thread, or sit down with him and talk to him when he isn't tired and make sure you drill it into his head that you want him to better himself because it is hard for you to take your relationship with him seriously while he is still living with his mother.[/font]


There is NO way I could show this thread to him. I'm sure he'd be offended by the way I explained everything about his life situation and how I've been comparing him to my ex. Plus, I don't want him to even know that I've been posting on the AVEN forums.

Anyway, I knew he lived with his mom before we even started dating, so do you think it's still okay to say it's hard for me to take our relationship seriously while he's still living with his mom? He kind of knows that I want him to become more independent, but he might say, "Why did you even want to start this relationship in the first place if you don't like my situation??" or something. I don't know what to tell him.



He is 24, still living with his mother, so he doesn't pay for the rent or living expenses. His mother even pays for his car insurance. (One day I asked him if I can practice driving by using his, and he said, "I have to ask my mom. She's paying for my car insurance." and I thought that sucked.) His sister pays for his cell phone bill for some reason. I asked him why, and he said, "She just offered to pay, so why not accepting it?!" He receives financial aid for school, so he doesn't have to pay for tuition, either. All he's paying for is gas for his car, food to eat out, beer, records, and concerts. He's saying he's trying to save money for video equipment, but I don't even see him working hard enough to save up fast.

Do you have any idea how to explain how I feel about our relationship being this way, and how to suggest him to become more independent, without sounding I am complaining or comparing him to my ex?

Honestly, I think he sounds like a bit of a deadbeat, and it also sounds from your posts as though you don't really like him all that much. In your other thread you mentioned him drinking/using your things without asking. You just don't seem very compatible (although I agree with you that most any other girlfriend he got would also expect him to try to become independent and not be a deadbeat).

I've met people like him before, who just coast through life, living off their parents or sometimes bf/gf, and while I'll be friends with them, I can't stand being roommates with people like that, and I wouldn't want to date one either. I know you like him because he's one of the few people okay with dating an asexual, but you still don't seem happy with this guy...


You may be right. I've slowly started thinking that I may not like him all that much. We have the same opinions on a lot of different things, like the same music and movies, etc. I truly enjoy being with him, but a lot of things like these have started bugging me lately, too. He has a great personality and is fun to be around. All I want is for him to become independent, to understand and to respect me like how a boyfriend should. He is a sensitive guy, so it's hard to communicate with him sometimes.

#13 Kotoko

Kotoko

    Asexy A-postle

  • AVEN Members
  • 599 posts
  • Location:Canada, eh?
  • A/Sexuality:Demiromantic Demisexual

Posted 21 August 2011 - 01:45 AM

Honestly, I'm all for people who are able to live independently learning to actually live independently. I have little sympathy for people who rely on their parents for basic necessities while spending any cash they do earn on frivolous things and being perfectly happy with that. It's an easy lifestyle and I can see why people enjoy it, but someday, one has to learn to be independent! Mommy isn't going to pay your car insurance forever.

I haven't been in any relationships before, but I think it is perfectly acceptable to tell him that, if the relationship is to continue, he can't really expect you to move in with him and his mom or to be financially dependent on you if he does move out. Ask him where he sees the two of you in several years. Is it the two of you living with his mother? Is it the two of you living together by yourselves, but him relying on you to support him? Or is it the two of you living together by yourselves, pulling your own weights fairly equally? If it's the third option, he better make some changes.

I have a friend who broke up with her boyfriend because he wouldn't cut the apron strings with his parents. She told him several times what he needed to do if they were to continue their relationship. He didn't make any changes so she broke up with him.

#14 misscuriosity

misscuriosity

    Amoeba Colony

  • AVEN Members
  • 156 posts
  • Location:USA
  • A/Sexuality:Romantic Asexual

Posted 21 August 2011 - 01:46 AM

I also want to know what you guys think about this:

He seems to have an inferiority complex about his body size. He's skinny and short. Last night he was saying, "I don't have much strength." or something, so I suggested him start working out. He then said, "Working out is boring." I said, "Well, if you work out, you can gain muscle and become stronger. You can protect your girlfriend!" He responded, "Well, I will think about it. Maybe I will, maybe not." He wasn't taking me seriously. He's not even willing to improve himself for his girlfriend. I was kinda upset about it.

Again, my past boyfriend tried all his best to improve himself by going to the gym, dressing nicely, saving money so he could take me to nice places, etc.

My new boyfriend says he likes me a lot, but I don't see why while he's not even willing to take my suggestion or improve himself for his girl. I feel less important now.

#15 Member33070

Member33070

    A-Grade AVENite

  • AVEN Members
  • 4,814 posts

Posted 21 August 2011 - 01:50 AM

x

#16 misscuriosity

misscuriosity

    Amoeba Colony

  • AVEN Members
  • 156 posts
  • Location:USA
  • A/Sexuality:Romantic Asexual

Posted 21 August 2011 - 01:56 AM

Relate it to him somehow. Some guys aren't into looking better for their girl.

How would you feel if he told you you needed to lose/gain weight or get a boob job or something to make him happy? Sorry to be blunt, but think about it.

Basically he's either complaining because:

  • He actually wants to improve (which, if he doesn't want to work out, doesn't sound like it),
  • or: he wants you to make him feel better (kind of like when a girl fishes for compliments when they say "I'm so fat!" and expects people to go "No you're not!")


You think he wanted me to make him feel good by saying, "You're fine!" ? I had no idea. Honestly, I don't like people who just say things and never move into action to improve themselves. I have an inferiority complex about some parts of my body, too, but I don't just say it, but to try to improve. I also don't like when a girl says things like that and expects compliments. Ugh.

#17 Tito

Tito

    Mega Mitosis

  • AVEN Members
  • 254 posts
  • A/Sexuality:nope

Posted 21 August 2011 - 01:58 AM

It honestly sounds to me like you both have issues and that those issues are pretty much in conflict with each other (wanting to be pampered versus wanting to be a deadbeat)

#18 Member33070

Member33070

    A-Grade AVENite

  • AVEN Members
  • 4,814 posts

Posted 21 August 2011 - 02:00 AM

x

#19 misscuriosity

misscuriosity

    Amoeba Colony

  • AVEN Members
  • 156 posts
  • Location:USA
  • A/Sexuality:Romantic Asexual

Posted 21 August 2011 - 02:00 AM

I haven't been in any relationships before, but I think it is perfectly acceptable to tell him that, if the relationship is to continue, he can't really expect you to move in with him and his mom or to be financially dependent on you if he does move out. Ask him where he sees the two of you in several years. Is it the two of you living with his mother? Is it the two of you living together by yourselves, but him relying on you to support him? Or is it the two of you living together by yourselves, pulling your own weights fairly equally? If it's the third option, he better make some changes.


Thanks for the advice. I would like to ask him those questions and see what he says. I may e-mail him instead of talking to him in person because he tends not to take my words seriously in person. He tends to change subjects and be silly or something.

#20 Lucinda

Lucinda

    The Atrix Has You

  • AVEN Members
  • 1,259 posts
  • A/Sexuality:C'est écrit dans les étoiles.

Posted 21 August 2011 - 02:40 AM

He may not be planning for you to move in with his mom and him, nor is he planning on moving out while still in college. Is he going for a second degree or his Masters? And if you are on a student visa, won't you be moving back to Japan once you graduate? Instead of emailing him to ask where he sees the two of you in several years, why not ask yourself?? What would your answer be?

Lucinda

#21 Sally

Sally

    Space Ace

  • AVEN Members
  • 23,186 posts
  • Location:Seattle
  • A/Sexuality:old asexual

Posted 21 August 2011 - 03:03 AM

Is there anything you like about him? Or do you just want him to be like your former boyfriend? Why don't you find someone who IS like your former boyfriend and who will take you out to fast food places?

I don't do PMs -- everything I want to say is in my posts where everyone can read them.    ;) 


#22 Kinwish

Kinwish

    Junior Member

  • Members
  • 8 posts
  • Location:Ohio
  • A/Sexuality:Heteroromantic Asexual

Posted 21 August 2011 - 03:14 AM

Dump him. Tell him you'll date him again once he gets out of his parents' house and gets a career going, if you want. Otherwise, I can assure you that he's thinking something like "Hey, I have you now. Why should I change if you're willing to be with me anyway?". Presumptuous, maybe, but I don't think it's far-fetched. Gender roles and social convention aside, I don't think someone should bother with anyone who's content with lying around with a bachelor's degree and mooching off his parents. It doesn't sound like he'll be able to give you gifts now or support you in any sort of way in the near-future. It sounds like you want someone who respects you, and he doesn't do that. Not being showered in gifts seems like the least of your worries.

#23 Vampyremage

Vampyremage

    A-Grade AVENite

  • AVEN Members
  • 4,729 posts
  • Gender:Agender prefer they/them
  • Location:Vancouver, Canada
  • A/Sexuality:Panromantic

Posted 21 August 2011 - 03:30 AM

Well, I can't say, "Hey, why don't you stop spending money on records but treat me nice dinner?" because I know he's been collecting music stuff even before we started dating. I did tell him that he probably shouldn't go to concerts or spend money on beer often so he could save money and get his own place to live as soon as possible, but he said, "I don't go to concerts or drink beer THAT often. They aren't that expensive anyway." But from my understanding, he does go see bands play quite often and every time he goes, he buys two or three bottles of beer. He could save a lot of money if he stops going to concerts.


I know I am not him and I cannot speak for exactly what he'd think, but I know if such was brought up to me, I wouldn't take it well. For myself, concerts are one of the few things I go out and do that I really enjoy doing and they are an important part of my social life. If I was with someone and they suggested that I stop going to concerts in order to save money, I would probably tell them to f*** off, honestly.

Of course, I don't know the entire situation here. I don't know how much he's spending on concerts, how often he's going or how much he makes. What might seem like not going very often to one might seem like all the time for another. For example, I go to about 1 show or so a month, sometimes a little more depending on the month. Compared to some of my social circle, that's not very much but compared to others its a lot. There is also a lot of variability in the cost of concerts. I rarely go to a show that costs me more than $30 for a ticket but, again, its different if its a big band and then you could pay upwards of $100.
Shiny new blog I've started.
Musings and Rantings of Vampyremage

#24 misscuriosity

misscuriosity

    Amoeba Colony

  • AVEN Members
  • 156 posts
  • Location:USA
  • A/Sexuality:Romantic Asexual

Posted 21 August 2011 - 03:36 AM

He may not be planning for you to move in with his mom and him, nor is he planning on moving out while still in college. Is he going for a second degree or his Masters? And if you are on a student visa, won't you be moving back to Japan once you graduate? Instead of emailing him to ask where he sees the two of you in several years, why not ask yourself?? What would your answer be?

Lucinda


He's an U.S. citizen, not on a student visa. I am actually moving to Chicago to start another college this coming fall, so we'll be in a long distance relationship. He'll graduate from college and receives another degree in the winter. After he graduates, I wish he could just move to Chicago and gets closer to me, but there's no way he could do it. He was saying he'd have to save up money and gets out of his mom's house a couple of weeks ago, but when I asked him what he's gonna do last night, he said he doesn't really know what to do. His mom's house is gorgeous. They have a huge TV, like a mini movie theater. I can kinda see why he wouldn't want to leave her house.

I was going to e-mail him or chat on Skype or something because he feels more comfortable talking that way, and he tends to take my words seriously in typing. It is easier for me, too, since English is not my first language.

Is there anything you like about him? Or do you just want him to be like your former boyfriend? Why don't you find someone who IS like your former boyfriend and who will take you out to fast food places?


What a silly question! -- Why would I even start dating this guy if there's nothing I like about him?? OF COURSE there are a lot of things I like about him. I even made a list of the 50 reasons why I like him and gave it to him when we just started dating, which he really appreciated. He and I have A LOT in common. We both are artists, and he appreciates music and art as much as I do. He is creative, funny, and very nice. He gave me rides to and from school when we were just classmates, even though he didn't actually live close to where I lived. He accepted my asexuality and never judged me for it. He's usually quiet and shy, but is a very good listener.

My former boyfriend knew how to treat his girlfriend, and he was really romantic and sweet, but he got jealous way too easily over my guy friends and had some issues. We completely had different views on things, so I had to break up with him. I don't miss being in a relationship with him, but I DO miss the feeling of being loved and cared.

Dump him. Tell him you'll date him again once he gets out of his parents' house and gets a career going, if you want. Otherwise, I can assure you that he's thinking something like "Hey, I have you now. Why should I change if you're willing to be with me anyway?". Presumptuous, maybe, but I don't think it's far-fetched. Gender roles and social convention aside, I don't think someone should bother with anyone who's content with lying around with a bachelor's degree and mooching off his parents. It doesn't sound like he'll be able to give you gifts now or support you in any sort of way in the near-future. It sounds like you want someone who respects you, and he doesn't do that. Not being showered in gifts seems like the least of your worries.


That makes sense, and I might have to do that. Now I kinda regret giving him the list of the 50 reasons why I like him because he may not feel that he needs to change anymore.

Just so you know, it's NOT that he has never brought me gifts or treated me to meal before. In fact, he's saying he'll take me to a restaurant to celebrate for my new college sometime next week, maybe even tomorrow night, but he has me pay for him sometimes and it seems it's okay with him. (Like yesterday, I paid for his dinner and he didn't even say thank you. Because he bought me an ice cream earlier that day? Really??) He can actually afford to treat his girlfriend to things while he's still living with his mom and doesn't have to worry about paying for bills every month, but he just doesn't as much as he should.



Well, I can't say, "Hey, why don't you stop spending money on records but treat me nice dinner?" because I know he's been collecting music stuff even before we started dating. I did tell him that he probably shouldn't go to concerts or spend money on beer often so he could save money and get his own place to live as soon as possible, but he said, "I don't go to concerts or drink beer THAT often. They aren't that expensive anyway." But from my understanding, he does go see bands play quite often and every time he goes, he buys two or three bottles of beer. He could save a lot of money if he stops going to concerts.


I know I am not him and I cannot speak for exactly what he'd think, but I know if such was brought up to me, I wouldn't take it well. For myself, concerts are one of the few things I go out and do that I really enjoy doing and they are an important part of my social life. If I was with someone and they suggested that I stop going to concerts in order to save money, I would probably tell them to f*** off, honestly.

Of course, I don't know the entire situation here. I don't know how much he's spending on concerts, how often he's going or how much he makes. What might seem like not going very often to one might seem like all the time for another. For example, I go to about 1 show or so a month, sometimes a little more depending on the month. Compared to some of my social circle, that's not very much but compared to others its a lot. There is also a lot of variability in the cost of concerts. I rarely go to a show that costs me more than $30 for a ticket but, again, its different if its a big band and then you could pay upwards of $100.


Okay, let me tell you more details:

We both LOVE music, like we're serious music nerds. That's actually how we ended up becoming very close friends because we found out we both listened to the foreign music no one in town cares about. We were super excited about finding each other. So, we go see bands play sometimes, but I kinda stopped going because I realized I could save money for something else. He still goes to see bands play almost every week. Tickets can cost $10 - $35. He definitely buys two or three bottles of beer. That can be expensive. He also buys a record and/or a poster at the show sometimes, too. So, how much does he spend every time he goes to a show? He only makes $7/hour and it's not his regular job.

I understand how much he loves getting those music stuff as I am a music nerd myself and I used to collect stuff, too. His first priority doesn't have to be me, but I want him to at least show that I am important to him, not just to tell.

I hope you guys understand the point I am making, and hopefully I am not coming off as a difficult girlfriend to deal with.

#25 Lucinda

Lucinda

    The Atrix Has You

  • AVEN Members
  • 1,259 posts
  • A/Sexuality:C'est écrit dans les étoiles.

Posted 21 August 2011 - 04:29 AM

What sort of work is he hoping to find with his 2nd degree?

Have you ever been to Chicago?

Lucinda

#26 misscuriosity

misscuriosity

    Amoeba Colony

  • AVEN Members
  • 156 posts
  • Location:USA
  • A/Sexuality:Romantic Asexual

Posted 21 August 2011 - 04:42 AM

What sort of work is he hoping to find with his 2nd degree?

Have you ever been to Chicago?

Lucinda

He wants to have a film / TV related job. I've never been to Chicago.

#27 misscuriosity

misscuriosity

    Amoeba Colony

  • AVEN Members
  • 156 posts
  • Location:USA
  • A/Sexuality:Romantic Asexual

Posted 21 August 2011 - 08:10 AM

UPDATE:

We just had a serious talk over a chat. (He was too tired to talk on the phone because he just got home from work.)


Me: "I don't think you're ready to be in a relationship, especially with someone like me. Where do you see the two of us in several years? I know we've only been dating for three weeks, but I need to know, as I am getting old, how serious you're taking our relationship."

Him: "honestly...several years is a long time. i'm not sure if i can see us together for that long. i can't ever see anything as lasting that long. i was just trying to enjoy the time we had and i have been enjoying it. how can you honestly expect me to know that after 3 weeks?"

He also said,

"well, you were almost always complaining about me. its been hard for me to put up with that sometimes."

"it seemed to me a bit like you were already trying to control my life. it's too soon for that. you keep telling me to move out. to get a different job, do this do that and thats why i didnt say anything."


I can't believe that he said I was trying to control his life..... Jeez. I can't be more shocked; that hurt my feelings. He said he was feeling annoyed and not very surprised, in an ironic way. He didn't actually appreciate my suggestion or advice. He even said the tone of my voice sounded like scolding or insulting him. He should have told me how he felt as soon as he started feeling that way. I came to a realization that he was never being honest with me or even trying to openly communicate with me until tonight. It was obvious that he didn't like me as much as I wanted him to.

He was really tired after a long day, so I let him go to bed, but I think we're technically done after this conversation. I cannot be with him anymore. I feel dumb and extremely disappointed after believing this was the best summer in my life. I seriously thought he might be the right person when we just started hanging out in July and when we just started dating.

He doesn't take criticism very well or appreciate advice. I hope, one day, he will realize that I was just trying to be a good girlfriend and learn to appreciate people's advice.

#28 Member33070

Member33070

    A-Grade AVENite

  • AVEN Members
  • 4,814 posts

Posted 21 August 2011 - 09:42 AM

x

#29 misscuriosity

misscuriosity

    Amoeba Colony

  • AVEN Members
  • 156 posts
  • Location:USA
  • A/Sexuality:Romantic Asexual

Posted 21 August 2011 - 03:01 PM

So I'm probably not the most popular opinion in this thread or whatever, but I can understand that three weeks is a short time to start thinking about long term sorts of relationships. Aren't you still kind of getting to know each other? How much of that time have you actually spent together? How much do you really know about him?

If you want him to talk about his feelings, ask him about his feelings. You did that, but prefacing it with "I'm thinking long term relaionship" could have shocked him into a defensive reaction. Most guys I've talked to are not into the concept of long term relationships until they're reall really comfortable with you. Like, they bring up marriage sort of comfortable.

Feel lucky that you had a relationship though - I'm maddeningly lonely in love myself and can't imagine having a guy, let alone dumping one because he didn't spoil me...

But I get it, if you're not happy - go find what does make you happy. Don't stick with someone you can't stand. It's near impossible to change people.


I agree that three weeks is a short time, but considering that I am leaving town in two weeks, I wanted to make sure he was ready to be in a long distance relationship with me. (Only eight hours drive away, though) We were still getting to know each other, but I thought we were already pretty comfortable around each other. It seemed like he was almost too comfortable to be around me since he kinda stopped being polite, which I already talked about in the other thread. We spent time together two or three times a week. Sometimes he spent the night with me at my house and went home the next morning. I stayed at his place for three nights when his mom was on vacation, too. Not only we made out in bedrooms, but also we took showers. We did all kind of things together just like how most couples do. He said he DID like me, but probably not as much as I wanted him to. He just wanted to spend time with me while I was still in town, and he was willing to be in a long distance relationship, but he wasn't actually sure how it would work.

I just cannot be with someone who thinks I am trying to control his life, instead of understanding that I was only there to help him or appreciating my advice. I'm not interested in him or being in a relationship anymore. It just leaves pain.

#30 Inevitable

Inevitable

    A-gent

  • AVEN Members
  • 1,973 posts
  • Location:Gloucestershire, UK
  • A/Sexuality:Aromantic Asexual

Posted 21 August 2011 - 04:16 PM

As a male aromantic, I've always found the notion of [usually] boyfriends buying presents and treats for their girlfriend one of the more ludicrous elements of romantic relationships. I won't deny that when I encounter this phenominon I struggle to hold down a chuckle.

The way I see it, there are only 2 real ways finances within a relationship can work:

1. You each buy your own stuff, with occassional cross over gifts if you don't have any money etc.
2. Whoever feels like paying at the time is the one that pays, dependent upon the idea that this "burden" is shared.

Anything else seems incredibly sexist to me. It implies that the woman is dependent on the man, while at the same time causing the man to expend considerable quantities of his own finances to keep a relationship in tact as the woman does nothing on her end. Sexism is all about inequality, and that ain't equal.

Seriously expecting a boyfriend to pay for everything and constantly treat you to things, if you are not doing the same in return, is laughable to me.
Posted Image




1 user(s) are reading this topic

0 members, 1 guests, 0 anonymous users