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Any asexuals like me, over 60?


biromanticseniorgal

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Green Mandala

Hey all,

 

Feeling a bit guilty for not checking in sooner, especially since there were some nice comments on my previous post. And just to make an excuse . . . I was away at a conference and purposefully left my computer at home. Thanks for the newbie welcomes. And looking forward to staying in the conversations here.

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Autumn Sunrise

Welcome @woodswalker :cake: :cake: :cake: No need to feel embarrassed here - asexual, autosexual, whatever . . . you're among friends here :D

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woodswalker

Trying to figure out my life & why I'm 'A".. Can I make my Confession here?

Growing up in the 50s/early 60s: we had the feminine identity about "nice girls" and how women were 'wives', and the prudery about sex.
I grew up in a college town. I was the typical unpopular Nerd in school. Never had a date or went to a prom. Then I discovered the horny frat guys & realized I could have "sort of like Dates". As in 'they will want to go to a dance, Make out, try to get in your pants. You should try to get as much popularity out of it as you can without actually giving up your Cherry." At least I could now say I had some experience with the opposite gender.
Then came the Hippie movement and the summer of love. What it meant for girls/women? "You should love sex, and if you don't, you're Uptight and Frigid".  'Loving sex' wasn't centered on what women wanted or their own sexuality...it was about 'if you want to fit in & be accepted, you'll become Liberated by having lots of sex partners. Cause otherwise, you're a frigid bitch who will be alone."
I went off & lost my virginity. It was just painful & not fun. I was drug-impaired and today it would probly be called a rape. While it was happening I thought "I'm going to have sexual hangups for the rest of my life because of this."
Then I got married to a guy who had self esteem issues, hypospadias issues, and so he put up with me & my low sex drive. Sex was painful & uncomfortable, awkward and unfulfilling. We did have 3 children. One of the children was a result of my attempt to be spontaneous & free like the rest of the world and have unprotected, unplanned sex. Anyway, it wasn't the happiest of marriages. He had his own severe  psychological issues. I was afraid to split up cause I didn't want to have to find some other guy who'd expect me to provide sex. I went to a doctor a few times to find out what was wrong. Nobody ever found anything. We went to a few marriage counselors too. Finally he found an internet girlfriend and went off for a cheatathon with her & told me it was the first time in his life he was sexually satisfied. We split up in 2000.
I  got involved with the Poly community, as they were the first people who weren't peddling the "women as intercourse providers" narrative. If someone has multiple partners, they might be OK with one of them just being a cuddle buddy. In fact I would love to be in a Cuddle group. I went to a festival that included an 'erotic massage' group. First time I could orgasm in a social setting!
But mostly I just take care of myself. I met a guy who was into me, and I told him right away: "some people are good at sex, others are good at music. I'm good at music. Sex is just unfulfilling & embarassing." He was OK with it...we're sort of platonic friends.
Thanks for listening!

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jay williams

@woodswalker

It is indeed a nicely expressed "confession."

Nicely written. I should get my hands on some of your written works.

I don't think your experiences of not quite catching the "train" are peculiar. Undoubtedly it depends on what a person seeks and expects from sex.

As a guy, I found piv sex vastly overrated, and it clearly never lived up to my expectations. Of course, I have also concluded that I was one of those who was never good at sex...which is unfortunate because my libido wanted me to be good. :-()

 

 

 

 

 

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Green Mandala

Just got my letter from the courthouse telling me that my Dissolution of Marriage Judgment is filed. Guess it's official now. Livin' the single life and enjoying the air. Few final pieces of stuff to take care of. Minor things. Then maybe I can focus on something other than unfinished business in my personal life. I think I'll have a mini party to celebrate the end and the beginning all at once.

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jay williams
17 minutes ago, Green Mandala said:

Just got my letter from the courthouse telling me that my Dissolution of Marriage Judgment is filed. Guess it's official now. Livin' the single life and enjoying the air. Few final pieces of stuff to take care of. Minor things. Then maybe I can focus on something other than unfinished business in my personal life. I think I'll have a mini party to celebrate the end and the beginning all at once.

Congrats. I don't guess they call it d-i-v-o-r-c-e anymore.

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Green Mandala

I know. Maybe "Dissolution" sounds better. And in a sense the meanings could take different connotations. Divorce is more like separating oneself from the other person entirely, such as "I divorce myself from that idea entirely" and seems to say, "I want nothing to do with you, dude!" Dissolution seems to focus more on the idea of marriage itself, such as "This agreement is dissolved and no longer exists" and can have more the sense of "Maybe we can still be friends, dude." At least, those are my thoughts on the wording. When I got the paperwork, I thought perhaps I had the wrong stuff. But not. And funny the final paper doesn't even say "Dissolution of Marriage." It just says "Dissolution." Changes!

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woodswalker

Thank you for all of your comments. I'm still not sure..."Asexual" means you never have any sexual urge whatever? Attracted to anyone? Or, can't orgasm? Or, don't enjoy sex with someone else?
I sure don't like the word "GRAY". What could be more depressing than being considered "Gray"? We need another word. I'd say "along the Spectrum' but that has already been used by another group.
The bottom line is if you don't enjoy sex, you are probably going to be lonely. Right? Unless you can find ways to compensate. I have tried to have a rich creative life with music & crafts. Ideally, playing music with others would be more fun than sex....if you can find the right music partners (always a problem.)
It seems that for guys, being in a band is a way to get sex. For girls, it is a way to avoid sex! Go to a party and while people are hooking up, you are playing bass. (I used to be a bass player with a Deadhead band). That musical instrument is a cock blocker that sits in front of your groin and 'blocks' it. It says "you aren't an available female, but one of the 'guys'!" Musical instruments (except maybe fiddle & flute or other classical & acoustic instruments) are seemingly a Guy Thing. When I see a woman with an electric instrument I immediately 1) think she is butch. 2) identify with her, want to talk to her, gravitate to her and fall in love. Because musical instruments are also a sexual attractant for me! (did I say that I didn't experience sexual attraction? Well perhaps I'm wrong about that.)

This post has wandered over several topics and put out some contradictory & confusing concepts. Hope y'all don't mind. In another post I want to hear more about how A's deal with loneliness and make human connections.

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There are apparently at least a couple of "official" (in so far as they are there because someone in charge put them there) definitions of asexuality on this site. Some people say it's about lack of sexual attraction; some will say lack of sexual desire. I think most people accept that having a libido doesn't necessarily make someone asexual. SO I guess it depends on what you mean by sexual urges. I would say ability or lack of ability to orgasm is not one of the criteria.

 

If someone doesn't enjoy sex it doesn't have to mean they will be lonely. Again, it depends on definitions. People can have friends, platonic partners, romantic partners, and lots of other non-sexual relationships, even physically intimate ones (by which, I mean, non-sexually physical intimacy). The flip side is plenty of sexual people are lonely, so enjoying sex doesn't guarantee not being lonely, just as not enjoying it necessitates being lonely.

 

My mom used to play electric bass in a garage band (they played things like weddings and such).

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Green Mandala
15 hours ago, woodswalker said:

This post has wandered over several topics and put out some contradictory & confusing concepts. Hope y'all don't mind. In another post I want to hear more about how A's deal with loneliness and make human connections.

I make human connections by inviting people to do things with me. Problem with this is I find that I am the one doing all the inviting. I was just commiserating over this tonight and wondering why it is that I initiate stuff and others don't. Maybe when I have an answer I will post it. But it did make me think that somehow I need to do other things too, like take archery lessons. That would get me out of my house and meeting new folks.

 

I do admit that I work with some great people who are supportive. Problem there is that our schedules conflict with actually trying to do things together unless it is on a lunch break, which we do that occasionally.  It is difficult when people seem to come in pairs. I've been trying to think of things to do that would involve meeting people. Something I've noticed in my local library newsletter is the offering of a group where participants learn to play the ukulele. There is a free lesson at the beginning and then singing for the rest of the hour.

 

Sometimes I just hang out with myself. I've gone to the theater with myself, the movies with myself, and eating out with myself. I have sat at a bar on occasion and you'd be surprised how fun that can be. People talk up a storm at the bar. It's the community gathering of strangers.

 

Anyway, bit long and rambling here.

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woodswalker
7 hours ago, Green Mandala said:

QUOTE:"  I have sat at a bar on occasion and you'd be surprised how fun that can be. People talk up a storm at the bar. It's the community gathering of strangers."

 

I live with my daughter, who is 36 and LGBT. When she was thinking of moving in with a boyfriend in the next state, I got into a tizzy about Loneliness. I thought "perhaps I should take up drinking, so I could hang out at the Bar".

However, not only do I not enjoy sex, I don't even enjoy Alcohol. I'm TOTALLY a Mutant.

 

Anyway, bit long and rambling here.

 

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jay williams
On 7/10/2017 at 8:08 AM, woodswalker said:

Thank you for all of your comments. I'm still not sure..."Asexual" means you never have any sexual urge whatever? Attracted to anyone? Or, can't orgasm? Or, don't enjoy sex with someone else?
I sure don't like the word "GRAY". What could be more depressing than being considered "Gray"? We need another word. I'd say "along the Spectrum' but that has already been used by another group.
*** 
This post has wandered over several topics and put out some contradictory & confusing concepts. Hope y'all don't mind.

I don't think there is much value in stewing over whether you fit in one "category" compared with another of the myriad categories people have cooked up to define their sexuality. There is obviously a wide variation of sexuality and eroticism among humans. Moreover, in my experience, sexuality is not static. For myself, I prefer the word queer. I am bisexual, regardless of the fact that I have heavily repressed that for most of my life. Queer has different meanings too. To me, it simply means different and not the norm, and certainly not straight nor vanilla.

So being contradictory and confusing goes with the territory for me.

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Green Mandala

Tomorrow, I am going to see the play, Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? by Edward Albee. It has gotten good reviews so I'm looking forward to it. I have never seen the movie or read the script. But others have and from what I hear, I need to be prepared for a not-so-happy feeling afterward. I've heard that the movie is really good and that Elizabeth Taylor is frightening. It was suggested to me to see the play first and then watch the movie, not the other way 'round.

 

To be continued . . .

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

Hi all, just checking in , to do some reconnaissance before I hit the magic number 60. I don't do a lot of exploring, but good to see some familiar faces here!:D:cake:

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Elderflower
On 7/11/2017 at 1:02 AM, Green Mandala said:

I make human connections by inviting people to do things with me. Problem with this is I find that I am the one doing all the inviting.

 

Me too! I keep reaching out but no one reaches back. Part of that is I have a hard time relating to other women, and with men, well, the sex issue is always in the background and I don't want that. I'm pretty resigned to lifelong loneliness.

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^^ Just curious...what is it about other women that is difficult to relate to?

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Elderflower

Teatree-- I have zero interest in fashion, makeup, or shoes. I have been on my own for a very long time and have become very self-reliant; nearly all the women I know are shamefully dependent on their men. Fix their own wiring? Never. Build a fire, patch the roof, do basic house maintenance? They crumble. Some won't even get their own car serviced. 

I'm an older lady and I take care of myself. I do enjoy the company of other strong, resourceful women but they seem few in number. 

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Ahhh, okay. I too have zero interest in fashion, makeup, or shoes! (I shop at thrift stores and my shoes consist of sneakers, sandals, and hiking boots....) I can build a fire, but alas, cannot patch a roof. :huh: I'm not quite in my 60s, but have been on my own for the past 16 years. Good luck finding some women with whom you have things in common.

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Hi,  I am 62 years old.   I am a woman.   I have had sex when I was married but I never really enjoyed it or desired it. I have been single for almost 20 years and have not been in a sexual relationship and I haven't missed it at all.  I do miss male companionship.  I miss being part of couple. I enjoy getting together with other couples to socialize and don't always want to be the fifth wheel.  I would love to meet some asexual men in their 60's who live in upstate NY.  I am not looking for anything serious just a close friendship.  I am very open to female friends too.  

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Elderflower
11 hours ago, Laura1954 said:

Hi,  I am 62 years old.   I am a woman.   I have had sex when I was married but I never really enjoyed it or desired it. I have been single for almost 20 years and have not been in a sexual relationship and I haven't missed it at all.  I do miss male companionship.  I miss being part of couple. I enjoy getting together with other couples to socialize and don't always want to be the fifth wheel.  I would love to meet some asexual men in their 60's who live in upstate NY.  I am not looking for anything serious just a close friendship.  I am very open to female friends too.  

Pretty much my situation too. Not wanting sex doesn't mean not wanting romance or male companionship. Where in upstate NY are you (if you feel comfortable saying)?

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Elderflower
15 hours ago, teatree said:

Ahhh, okay. I too have zero interest in fashion, makeup, or shoes! (I shop at thrift stores and my shoes consist of sneakers, sandals, and hiking boots....) I can build a fire, but alas, cannot patch a roof. :huh: I'm not quite in my 60s, but have been on my own for the past 16 years. Good luck finding some women with whom you have things in common.

Sneakers over heels any day. I don't mind dressing up when it's appropriate, but tottering around in painful shoes every day? Sorry, not a masochist.

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15 hours ago, Laura1954 said:

Hi,  I am 62 years old.   I am a woman.   I have had sex when I was married but I never really enjoyed it or desired it. I have been single for almost 20 years and have not been in a sexual relationship and I haven't missed it at all.  I do miss male companionship.  I miss being part of couple. I enjoy getting together with other couples to socialize and don't always want to be the fifth wheel.  I would love to meet some asexual men in their 60's who live in upstate NY.  I am not looking for anything serious just a close friendship.  I am very open to female friends too.  

I could have written this post..it's pretty much exactly me, although I just turned 64 on Friday and I don't live in upstate New York, but my sister does, does that count?  I was married for 20 divorced for 20, wish I could find a asexual guy for companionship.

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Guest Jetsun Milarepa

You just hit the nail on the head @Elderflower. If you don't share an interest in all these things, or the bloggers who write online about them, you're always on the outside looking in, with women.I started saying 'If I don't say very much, it's because I don't know enough about (x,y,z) to contribute to the conversation. It doesn't mean anything sinister if I stay quiet'. 

Sometimes that works, at least I lay my cards on the table. 

 

It's the same with the men, as you say, the sex thing rears its head. I got round that by shaving my head and dressing androgynously, but when it comes to football, cars etc, I'm stumped. My only cross over subjects are film, theatre, sci fi...

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Elderflower

Football and cars? I'd be lost too. I'd rather discuss current events, the arts, history, or pretty much any other traditionally gender-neutral topic.

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TheLastOfSheila
21 hours ago, Laura1954 said:

I would love to meet some asexual men in their 60's who live in upstate NY.  I am not looking for anything serious just a close friendship.

So would I, Laura1954, (live in upstate NY too), but alas, there don't seem to be many (or any) around. 

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I'd rather talk about fashion than sports, but I'd rather talk about art, science, sci-fi, fantasy, animals, history, and all sorts of other things. Maybe I'm weird. :P 

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Green Mandala

I'd like to talk about stuff. I usually don't have conversations about fashion or make-up or shoes, unless it's boots. I love boots. I have a pair of hiking boots that are super comfy. I also have a pair of Rockport ankle boots that I wear every day to work when it's cooler. That's it. Two pair. Darn! And I guess that's all I have to say about the boots.

 

I go camping with my daughter and we build awesome fires. I also built the raised beds for my garden. Well, actually, they were those put-together kits and I also put-together a couple of standing planter boxes. Those were a pain in the butt. I've refinished old furniture. That's super fun. I do get my own car serviced. I might be considered resourceful.

 

However, I must admit that I do like to wear nice clothes and I do wear mascara.

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Elderflower
7 hours ago, Green Mandala said:

I'd like to talk about stuff. I usually don't have conversations about fashion or make-up or shoes, unless it's boots. I love boots. I have a pair of hiking boots that are super comfy. I also have a pair of Rockport ankle boots that I wear every day to work when it's cooler. That's it. Two pair. Darn! And I guess that's all I have to say about the boots.

 

I go camping with my daughter and we build awesome fires. I also built the raised beds for my garden. Well, actually, they were those put-together kits and I also put-together a couple of standing planter boxes. Those were a pain in the butt. I've refinished old furniture. That's super fun. I do get my own car serviced. I might be considered resourceful.

 

However, I must admit that I do like to wear nice clothes and I do wear mascara.

I like all those things, even wearing nice clothes. I just don't obsess over them like some do.

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