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celibate virgins vs asexuals


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#1 Gino

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Posted 01 June 2011 - 04:29 AM

Warning long winded:

Ive been reading theses forums for months trying to figure out my sexuality. Im a 23 year old virgin male in college, my friends and I were having a conversation about me and trying to get women, he slighty mentioned that I might be asexual which i quickly denided not really knowing what that ment until i found this web site. I read another post where someone stated that celibate virgins can mistake themselves for asexuals and im at a stand still in my mind.

I didnt even know what aesthetic attraction was before coming here. I would see a girl and say to myself "wow shes cute or shes fine" which i counted as sexual attraction come to find out I was suppose to go a bit further. I have had a conversation or two with attractive females but i have to heavly motivate myself because i soon as i talk to them i stop listening a drift off in thought, i always thought that when someone talks to a girl that were excited and found them interesting, i just see the same old thing.

warning TMI:

The main thing i contribute to me being a "Sexual" is porn, i only watch FF, JOE, and POV and must have women having over exagerated or loud orgasms. Before i found out about asexuality i used to look on the internet because i noticed a few things "off" about myself 1. i have to make the decision to go masturbate the urge just doesnt happen automatically like it use to when i was a teenager, 2. i have to hold concentration and stay focused or lose erection, 3. I have to apply friction or it wont stay up, 4. the minute i climax its like a switch turns on in my head and my mind goes back to what i was thinking about before. Sometimes i think to muself before doing it "ill do it twice in a row this time" but after the first one i just dont want to. I also cannot masturbate without porn, i can hold the erection through motion but i have to clear my mind, if i try to fantasize its to hectic.

The final thing i noticed diffrent is that i used to have a pornstar i really liked to watched. One day i was watching her in an interview on youtube and since that day i no longer look at her scenes, ive tried to get back into her but i cannot. This is not an isolated event, it happened again with a second pornstar, after i was done reading her blog, i stopped watching her to. My theory after finding AVEN was that alot of asexuals have fictional characters that they have sex with in their mind and that maybe pornstars are my fictional characters. When i watched them outside their character i saw them as more human and was no longer comfortable.

I saw a post on yahoo that stated that porn can cause a person to lose intrest in real women and if you stay off of it it will come back. But between 2005-2008 i quit all masturbating and porn due to religious reasons (please dont sterotype) because i thought i was getting out of hand and i didnt wont to be that guy. Looking back now it was way to easy for me to let go of that i didnt get any urges, i daydreamed all day about fighting or the state of the black community, with just a few very irritating wet dreams where i woke up and desperatly tried to "stop the leak" and change my pants. It was recently thinking about the past 3 years after 2008 that i started to notice i was just masturbating because i have nothing better to do. To test this theory out i have stop doing both again to see if i get the urge and try to find out if im asexual.

As i learned from reading other post I will not ask you what I am, But I will ask you for ideas on the whole celibate vs asexual. The more I think about it the more I think I would have to have sex to really know. if you need anymore detail just ask

P.S. I did not make this just for me anyone else with a similar conflict is free can post their experience on here

#2 Varden Quill

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Posted 01 June 2011 - 04:50 AM

Very interesting.
I've been an AVENite for over half a year now, and I've heard that many asexuals masturbate. Asexuals can have a sex drive but lack the drive to want to (for lack of better words) "do it" with someone else.
I masturbate, just to do it or becuase I get arousal and want it to go away. (to be honest, it feels a little weird for me). Somtimes I think of other people to stimulate myself or sometimes I think of what clothes I might wear tomorow or what I'm going to have for lunch later on. ^_^ When I see those people in real life, I get no arousal and I don't want to have sex with them. I might want to hug them. :) More often, I think of fictional characters though. I find them more appealing than people I've met in real life. But ,like what you said, I usually masturbate when I'm bored or having nothing better to do. When I'm busy, that's the last thing on my mind usually. You probably have a low to moderate sex drive like I do.
Celibate vs. Asexual. Well, if you look in the front page of AVEN you'll see a couple of tabs. I believe there is one that says the difference. Basically, it says that being a celibate means you are choosing to abstain from sex (for whatever reason, it is not always religious ;) ). Whereas, asexuality is something your are born with. I'm afraid I've forgotten where the link is. :( But I know it's on the front page. :D
So, I hope that helps you out.
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#3 Kurai-Tenshi_Niks

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Posted 01 June 2011 - 05:23 AM

I agree with Haruka. I masturbate for those same reasons and sometimes to stimulate myself I might think of a certain person I find aesthetically attractive. Although, if I ever see the person in real life, I have no desire or urge to have sex with them.
Same with the fictional characters too! Not sure why though :D

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Stewie Griffin: Oh, I don't know, Olivia. Uh, maybe we are in a sexless marriage. We have yet to have sex.
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Stewie Griffin: That's not the point, don't change the... it's a kind of cake?


#4 Redbeard

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Posted 01 June 2011 - 07:10 AM

Celibacy is a choice. It's saying "Whatever sexual urges I might have, I'm going to refuse to act on them." Celibacy could also be an involuntary condition, in which case it's saying "I have sexual urges I'd like to act on, but I've got no one to act on them with."
Asexuality is not a choice. It's saying "What sexual urges? I'm going to get a piece of cake now."

It's possible to be a sexually active asexual. Some aces will have sex for the benefit of their partners, and some aces will have sex because it feels good.

Not masturbating for a while isn't going to tell you if you're asexual. It will only tell you whether or not you like to masturbate. There have been periods of time where I've stopped masturbating for a few weeks and I didn't suddenly get a burning desire to sleep with anything that moved. In fact, I didn't have any extra interest in sex at all. The only thing that happened was that after a few days, I became sensitive and the slightest stimulation would give me an erection. Still didn't feel like using it anywhere, and after a few more days, that went away.

If you get to the point where you have to have sex to figure out whether you're asexual or a celibate virgin, then you're probably not a celibate virgin. A celibate virgin would likely know that they feel sexual attraction toward someone and just not act on it or be unable to act on it. An asexual wouldn't feel that attraction at all. I don't think having sex is likely to change one's mind and instantly turn them from nearly ace into a horndog nympho. I had sex and all it did was prove that I wasn't really interested in sex.

1. i have to make the decision to go masturbate the urge just doesnt happen automatically like it use to when i was a teenager, 2. i have to hold concentration and stay focused or lose erection, 3. I have to apply friction or it wont stay up, 4. the minute i climax its like a switch turns on in my head and my mind goes back to what i was thinking about before. Sometimes i think to muself before doing it "ill do it twice in a row this time" but after the first one i just dont want to.


That just sounds like you're not a hormone-laden teenager anymore. Nothing there sounds strange to me.

Here are some questions to ask yourself that may clarify your thoughts:

When watching porn, do you ever want to put yourself in the action, or do you just like the way things look and prefer to be an observer?
When you see a woman you consider attractive, do you think about having sex with her or what she looks like naked, or do you wonder if she's good at playing Jeopardy?
When you hear other people talk about a "hot" girl in a sexual manner, do you relate to what they're saying, or does it seem like they're talking about something that's completely alien to you?
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#5 Gino

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Posted 01 June 2011 - 05:32 PM

Celibacy is a choice. It's saying "Whatever sexual urges I might have, I'm going to refuse to act on them." Celibacy could also be an involuntary condition, in which case it's saying "I have sexual urges I'd like to act on, but I've got no one to act on them with."
Asexuality is not a choice. It's saying "What sexual urges? I'm going to get a piece of cake now."

It's possible to be a sexually active asexual. Some aces will have sex for the benefit of their partners, and some aces will have sex because it feels good.

Not masturbating for a while isn't going to tell you if you're asexual. It will only tell you whether or not you like to masturbate. There have been periods of time where I've stopped masturbating for a few weeks and I didn't suddenly get a burning desire to sleep with anything that moved. In fact, I didn't have any extra interest in sex at all. The only thing that happened was that after a few days, I became sensitive and the slightest stimulation would give me an erection. Still didn't feel like using it anywhere, and after a few more days, that went away.

If you get to the point where you have to have sex to figure out whether you're asexual or a celibate virgin, then you're probably not a celibate virgin. A celibate virgin would likely know that they feel sexual attraction toward someone and just not act on it or be unable to act on it. An asexual wouldn't feel that attraction at all. I don't think having sex is likely to change one's mind and instantly turn them from nearly ace into a horndog nympho. I had sex and all it did was prove that I wasn't really interested in sex.


1. i have to make the decision to go masturbate the urge just doesnt happen automatically like it use to when i was a teenager, 2. i have to hold concentration and stay focused or lose erection, 3. I have to apply friction or it wont stay up, 4. the minute i climax its like a switch turns on in my head and my mind goes back to what i was thinking about before. Sometimes i think to muself before doing it "ill do it twice in a row this time" but after the first one i just dont want to.


That just sounds like you're not a hormone-laden teenager anymore. Nothing there sounds strange to me.

Here are some questions to ask yourself that may clarify your thoughts:

When watching porn, do you ever want to put yourself in the action, or do you just like the way things look and prefer to be an observer?
When you see a woman you consider attractive, do you think about having sex with her or what she looks like naked, or do you wonder if she's good at playing Jeopardy?
When you hear other people talk about a "hot" girl in a sexual manner, do you relate to what they're saying, or does it seem like they're talking about something that's completely alien to you?


I like to observe myself doing it like a different version of me, because if i try to imagine myself i know that's not me. As for what she looks like naked, i like women with their cloths on, I've seen enough naked bodies. When my friends talk about bEing with a girl its not alien i just know i don't fit, but that might be because of the virgin thing

#6 henshin

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Posted 02 June 2011 - 10:37 AM

Hey there, just thought I'd throw in my thoughts.

It sounds like you might be asexual, from what you've said you don't seem to actually want to have sex with anyone. Masterbation is kind of a different matter and I think a lot of people just do it out of habit or because their hormones keep making a fuss. Obviously I'm not here to tell you owt about yourself though. You could just have a relatively low sex drive.

Regarding the porn thing, I think its kind of unhealthy for men and women to watch porn, because of what you mention about how 'real' women can seem less attractive after watching porn a lot. Do you find girls you meet now attractive? Do you interact with women a lot?

Have you been in a relationship before? If so did you experience sexual feelings toward your partner or sexual desire for her? If not, do you want to be? What do you envisage a relationship being like, what would you want out of it? You say you're a virgin but does that bother you personally? Do you want to lose your virginity for any other reason that to see what it's like/ if it will confirm you're asexual?

Sorry, question overload.

Sometimes people just do feel they need to try sex before they can definitely say they'r asexual, there's nothing wrong with that, but remember there's more to sex that the old in-out, if you find yourself in a relationship with someone you trust you can go slowly and try things out without having to go all the way. If you decide its not doing anything for you and want to stop then tell them so (I know this isn't as easy as it sounds btw so make sure you're open about this before things start, makes talking a lot easier).

Then again if you really just don't care enough to bother then welcome to the club buddy. Hopefully things will become clearer for you, nothing wrong with it taking time, I was older than you are now when I finally decided I was asexual.

#7 Germanicus

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Posted 02 June 2011 - 11:01 AM

I don't have any advice, but I just wanted to say you seem to be in exactly the same position as me. I'm torn between these too, same relationship with attraction towards girls and same masturbation habits. Essentially, neither of us is unique in this, but I don't know the answer.

#8 PiF

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Posted 02 June 2011 - 11:05 AM

Some do forget you can be an celibate asexual

I myself have been one for the last..counts on two hands....7 years no sexual acts what so ever

I have never watched porn unless it's been sprung on me..like the time a chap said hey do you want to watch my latest dvd ..lord of the ring?..I didn't click at first until I put it on and saw it was a gay porn flick...rascal fella he was

sometimes people confuse acts with definitions..a bit of time thinking soon resolves this
I am a vapid sod.... Apparently... Sounds kinda kinky

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Posted 02 June 2011 - 11:35 AM

A post.



#10 Gino

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Posted 02 June 2011 - 11:54 AM

Hey there, just thought I'd throw in my thoughts.

It sounds like you might be asexual, from what you've said you don't seem to actually want to have sex with anyone. Masterbation is kind of a different matter and I think a lot of people just do it out of habit or because their hormones keep making a fuss. Obviously I'm not here to tell you owt about yourself though. You could just have a relatively low sex drive.

Regarding the porn thing, I think its kind of unhealthy for men and women to watch porn, because of what you mention about how 'real' women can seem less attractive after watching porn a lot. Do you find girls you meet now attractive? Do you interact with women a lot?

Have you been in a relationship before? If so did you experience sexual feelings toward your partner or sexual desire for her? If not, do you want to be? What do you envisage a relationship being like, what would you want out of it? You say you're a virgin but does that bother you personally? Do you want to lose your virginity for any other reason that to see what it's like/ if it will confirm you're asexual?

Sorry, question overload.

Sometimes people just do feel they need to try sex before they can definitely say they'r asexual, there's nothing wrong with that, but remember there's more to sex that the old in-out, if you find yourself in a relationship with someone you trust you can go slowly and try things out without having to go all the way. If you decide its not doing anything for you and want to stop then tell them so (I know this isn't as easy as it sounds btw so make sure you're open about this before things start, makes talking a lot easier).

Then again if you really just don't care enough to bother then welcome to the club buddy. Hopefully things will become clearer for you, nothing wrong with it taking time, I was older than you are now when I finally decided I was asexual.


I did have the idea that porn may damage what i find attractive but i still like the way real women look even with there cloths on, with porn i have noticed that its more about how dirty they talk than how they look. And as far as being in a relationship goes i havent been in one nor can i imagine one, because i always say to ask myself "what whould i do with a girlfriend" im not talking about sex im talking about anything. I see people having fun with their bf/gf and it just dosent insipre me to go get one




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