Making Friends

[test account]

I get where you're coming from. The reason gregarious people might not approach a shy person is that it looks like it will be hard work to engage a shy person. Nobody wants to have to carry the conversation (unless they're self-obsessed drama queen types, and they would probably bore you because what you really want is for people to be interested in you).

So you have to do what everybody has to do; talk enough and show enough interest in what's going on for people to think "Wow I think I could enjoy talking to this person." Its really hard if social situations stress you out or if you tend to get lost in your own thoughts. You might tend to think its not worth the effort, or that there's something wrong with you. But there's nothing wrong that practice won't fix, and its worth it if you have moments of profound sadness about being solitary.

[Elnae]

I partially understand a lot of what has been said so far.

I'm very lucky in that I have 3 very close female friends. 2 of whom since we were 5 (over 30 years ago) and the other one, I met when we worked together. She left and although we only see each other every couple of months, we just seem to fall back into our comfortable friendship.

However, since all 3 of my friends have paired off (1 living with boyf, 1 engaged & 1 married), I find it harder to make new friends. I'm becoming more anti-social the older I get. As I now have NO social life, I used to go out all the time, but now I spend every night in watching crap tv, reading or surfing the net (usually buying stuff on ebay that I can't afford).

I miss going out, because I'm actually not bad at chatting to new people, I just either can't afford to go, have no-one to go with or can't be arsed.

But there are timess when I feel so desperately lonely, so I understand the need for someone to care, just a little bit. I could call or go and see one of The Three, but they have their own lives and boyfriends/fiancees/husbands but I don't want to push in and there's always that horrible feeling of being the gooseberry, the odd one out :(

I'm not good at giving advice, but all I can do is reiterate what other people have said (without following my own or others advice ), join a group, take up a new hobby, when someone makes a friendly advance let them in, give them a chance. You might only make a good friend once out of every 20 or 100, but you'll never know unless you try.

[Notte stellata]

I've never been out of school yet, but most of my friends are made online (some turned from online to offline, others rarely or never met in person).

I'm super introverted and hate small talks, so when I meet someone new IRL, I don't know what to talk about with them (but occasionally it still could work, if the other person is very friendly and talkative). It's much easier online, because at least we knew we have something in common from the beginning, otherwise we wouldn't post on the same forum. Also, online I can observe other people's behaviors and know them to a certain degree before contacting them in person. It's much more natural and less awkward this way.

[sparklingstars]

I've been struggling with this myself lately. I've lived in the area for 4 years now, and I still feel like I don't have many friends here, at least not close ones. I'm friends with several of my co-workers, but they are so busy with their own lives and their families that we only get together outside of work once in a blue moon. I have my friends in the community band that I play in, but again, most of them are busy with their own lives so we only see each other at band events. I've recently joined a Meetup group but haven't been able to attend any of their events so far. And I plan to join a church this summer so maybe that will help too.

[Frigid Pink]

I just tried making a new friend of the opposite sex, and that didn't work out too well. I think he was interested in something more than friends. I felt uncomfortable, so I ended that connection. I have made some new connections of the same sex, so we'll see what happens there.

[< retired >]

I've seen this in operation at every public social venue I've been at. The isolators come with someone they can talk to in order to exclude everyone else there, or they bury themselves in their iPhone, iPad, laptop, book, etc. or have their earbuds in dark shades on, and their icy wall up around them.

Do not be deceived, lovely Martina! You can bet that these 'isolators' are sneaking peeks at your boobs when you aren't looking. You have every right under Florida's Stand Your Ground law to employ lethal force against these passive-aggressive perverts who merely pretend to sit quietly minding their own business. Don't forget George W. Bush's version of the Golden Rule: Do unto others before they do unto you. Please report the body count to your local NRA office before retiring for the evening.

[FoxKat]

I was convinced I'd never be able to make any friends because of my age (27) and not really any social places I meet up, but then I joined Reddit and found a lot of people in my city. It was awesome! But I'll say that it is tough to make new friends at any age, really :(

[newgirl]

I would think finding"friends" would be easy thanks to the internet.

[Akumetsu]

Finding people is easy. Actually making friends with them is a different matter.

[reluctant]

In this I feel sorry for the younger ones

in the old days we went out, played with our mates at school, then college, then work etc

with so many younger people lacking social skills I feel largely because of the internet and hiding away in rooms rather than getting out and have real life experiences rather than just opinion..then I feel things somewhere need to take a turn

and trust me..if you think 300 "friends " on the internet will come round and help you move, or give you hand when you need it..you will see how many of those 300 are real life friends and those who are just txt on a screen

Completely agree, how do I find new friends in the real world though?

I have never had lots of friends, although I thought I had a small (2 or 3) but effective number I could call close.

Unfortunately they all disappeared when I started having these weird, crippling health problems about three years ago,

although in some ways I had been drifting apart from them already, including a guy who I was best man for but was generally

a self-centred and mean tit. The other I shared a flat for two years with but he was more one of those friends you get through someone else,as he was the first guy's mate from primary school whereas I met them at secondary. He was more of a bastard as he

seemed to have that schadenfreude element of satisfaction when things went horribly (and I mean horribly - lost job, health, everything) wrong. There was also a third friend I considered my best friend, he wasn't as mean as the others but he more or less disappeared too.

Anyway, the one guy that did stand by me I am now having problems with, and have done for some time to be honest. I didn't consider him one of my closest friends before but did socialise with him for 6 years then, 9 years now. In fact , for a year during that time

I deliberatley lost contact with him cos I found him too boorish and a bit of an idiot. But I suppose there must have been something as we went drinking a lot. I had actually got in touch with him again after that one year hiatus as I was having harassment at work and the dicks mentioned earlier were no help with that, although I never mentioned it to this guy.

He rallied round when it fell apart for me and would phone every day and even visited me when I had a spell in hospital. It was also good to socialise with someone at that time to take my mind off my troubles, however briefly. This was when no one else was to be seen and I was full of depression and uncertainty about my life and even contemplated suicide.

He's been my best mate since 2009 but over the last year it's been getting strained, at least in my eyes. I have had some stability in my life for over a year now, and whether it's that or maybe cos I speak to him more frequently through not being in hospital I don't know, but his attitude is appalling half the time. In the last year alone he has probably lost his temper about forty times with me, by which I mean full on shouting on the phone or worse even in public sometimes (two weeks ago in a packed pub he talked about glassing me!) for the most trivial shit imaginable - basically for just holding an opinion differnt to his and arguing my case. Which, given that he's a racist halfwit a lot of the time is not difficult. Or even, like today, getting riled with me by text cos I suggested meeting half an hour later. He says pathetically 'my bark is worse than my bite' but the daft bgastard punched me once when we were on holiday in Berlin (in 2008). I went to Turkey with him last year and he was shouting there cos I had drunk some of his water by accident! The problem is it is impossible to have a civillised debate about my anxieteies cos he just turns it into a shouting match, and frankly doesn't seem to have any self-awarness at all (will deny he is displaying certain behaviour when he clearly is)

I don't know, I like having someone to talk to on the phone every day cos I personally find isolation depressing. It does have other good points like gtting me socialising properly at least once a week too. Yet half the time I meet this guy now I wonder why I bother. I think it isn't helping that he has been unemployed for two years and has too much time on his hands, plus is taking his frustrations out on me. I would love for him to get a job and maybe meet him only once a month, but for all his moaning he has turned down about twenty jobs and now complains he can't get any.

If I was the me of four years ago there would be no quarrel about what to do, I would simply lose contact and walk away as I did briefly before. But besides the above reasons, my health is so shit and I don't have opportunities to meet other people through work or the stuff I used to do like clubbing. Problem is, I think he knows this and uses it to his advantage - he was never such a prick before all this. I'm also no spring chicken anymore and sort of approaching middle age.

[newgirl]

Has anyone try to socialize OFFLINE by going to non Aven meetup in their area?

Meetups:

http://www.meetup.com/

Find a penpal in or near your state or country and than met offline.

http://www.interpals.net/

[Akumetsu]

Has anyone try to socialize OFFLINE by going to non Aven meetup in their area?

I have. In fact, I just got home from one :) (not one by this meetup.com site, though).

It certainly creates opportunities, at the very least. It doesn't seem to guarantee anything, though.

[Frigid Pink]

Thanks, newgirl, for posting those sites. I'm going to join them and see what happens.

[test account]

I think when you get older your expectations have to change regarding friends. I think its unlikely to have the same sort of friendships you had in high school. In those days everyone was still growing and changing, trying new things, working out who they are. Most people have done all that by their 30s. I think you have to be content with casual acquaintances for the most part, because people have their own lives sorted out and don't necessarily want to investigate what makes you tick. They just want to chill out, have a few drinks, trade a few stories, and catch up again in a week or two. I don't know, I just think its possible for a person to be surrounded by friends and feel like they have none, just because they haven't realised that friendships may change as you get older. Unless of course i'm wrong about that and have got used to enjoying having lots of light friendships instead of one special close friend.

[newgirl]

I don't see people over 35 committing to long term friendship anymore.

[R_1]

I don't have any RL friends and I don't intend on making any; I just accept it as a fact of life. I never had many friends growing up.

Pretty much this.

I've found that online activity seems to satisfy all my social needs without making me uncomfortable the way I am around people in real life.

This too, but this isn't a thread for loners to talk about their I love to be alone since it's a thread about people wanting to have friends.

[runester]

It is nice to see some 'familiar faces' on this thread!!!

I do believe I am taking the sub-title to its limit, agewise. :lol:

@"Newgirl": Why do you feel that way about people over 35? I, for one, don't believe it's true, and I'm way past 35.

[Friend Without Benefits]

Came a little late to this thread, but read the whole thing and have this to add:

In my experience, there are two problems: The first is moving from "acquaintance" to "friend," which definitely is harder once you get older. A number of years ago, I took up ice skating, and took classes with several other adults. At on point, I thought I was getting along really well with one of the other students, and wanted to hang out with her outside of class. It felt really odd saying, "Hey, do you want to grab a burger after class sometime?" I thought I might be misinterpreted as asking for a date or something. (It IS hard to ask someone to be friend when you're older.) But we got past that awkwardness and she's ended up being one of my best friends. There were two other people there who wanted to be my friend, and neither of those worked out, which leads me to the second problem -- we're more choosy as we get older. I mean, when I was 7 years old, the only thing I was looking for in friend was another girl who was also 7, and we'd play Barbies or whatever. All you pretty much needed was someone your age in your neighborhood and you were good to go. Even up through college, I could be friends with pretty much anyone I shared a class with, because we had that in common. (We also had in common that we were all living away from home and looking to build up new networks of friends.) But now-- look, I want friends; I like friends; indeed, a lot of you would call me an extrovert. But I've got standards. One of the women from skating who wanted to be my friend said some racist things to me, assuming I thought just like her. I don't have time for racists in my life, so I cut her off.

The other one ... and, right now, after reading this thread, I'm a bit ashamed to admit it ... but the other one was very quiet and very shy, and even when we were skating I'd have to carry the bulk of the conversation (and ask her to repeat everything because she didn't speak up). And it seemed like a friendship with her would require too much effort on my part, and we didn't really click, so I never followed up on it. After reading this thread, I do feel somewhat guilty about this -- I hadn't really thought of it from her point of view. It must have taken a lot of effort for her to approach me, and I probably should've been a bit more encouraging.

Er... that's my fault and I'll own it. But my point, though, is that, as we get older, we're more picky about our friends. I could've told the same story about when I started a new job nearly 20 years ago, and maybe half a dozen people at the office invited me to lunch during my first few weeks there. A couple became friends; a couple became acquaintances; and the last two I genuinely disliked. I don't think that's the same success/failure rate that I had with making friends back in college -- but now that we're older, we're more set in our ways, and we also know better what we like and what we don't in other people.

Other random comment: A friend at work wanted to go out with friends more. She subscribed to a season at the Hollywood Bowl -- a pair of seats for several concerts during the summer, even though she didn't have anyone in mind to take with her. Then she just invited folks she knew but had never gone out with outside the context in which she knew them -- with a "Hey, I've got a spare ticket to this concert; want to come?" Expensive and gutsy, but it totally worked.

[newgirl]

I know first hand trying to make friend offline and being an introvert doesn't mix. :lol: :(

[runester]

Hi, "Friend Without Benefit"! Thanks for the informative post. It certainly gave me much 'food for thought'.

I was also thinking of the possibility, that as we age (into our 60s) there are many plusses in the way of experiences to share and compare, giving us more chances at developing true friendships that are able to last into the years available to us. I find there is less of an awkwardness prevalent to initiating a relationship. Perhaps it is the feeling of there being a time limit, of sorts; without being grim! It is however, relevant to the circumstances of creating something new in your life, being in an older age bracket. I am very happy with myself, without feeling smug, which makes for a healthy balance I am able to give to someone, in the form of the friendship I have to offer. :)

[Rising Sun]

Personally, I've never been very good at making new friends. I've been an introvert during all my life, and I've been bullied a lot at school. I never really had friends of my age when I was younger. Even now, my friends are rarely of my generation or younger, because I am a bit old-fashioned, but in the same time, I am a bit childish emotionally (which is repulsive on long term for older persons). I thought I would make new friends more easily when I would have my first job, but my disability limited me to work only with other disabled persons, not that I don't like them, but some are intellectually very disabled and are mentally 6 or 8 years old. Even with others, we don't really have the same interests, and finally almost nothing in common. So, in the last decade, the almost way for me to make new friends has been my computer. And I've kept very few friends with years, almost all stopped to keep contact. It seems people don't consider long-distance friendship as friendship, and having no family with me, this situation breaks my heart But I prefer having no friends at all than no sincere friends. As it was written before, I have become more cautious, and I always ask a lot of questions to persons who want to stay in contact with me. I prefer to get rid very quickly of persons who have values I can't stand (like violence, discrimination, selfishness or lack of loyalty). I don't consider myself very picky, but the result is often I'm almost completely alone at the end I'm not unhappy now though, as I have a best friend (and possible future boyfriend) who brightens my life. But I really hope we will be in a relationship soon. I don't really expect more from life, and if life could do me this favor, it would be wonderful But it would really be perfect with some sincere friends too...

[newgirl]

It is nice to see some 'familiar faces' on this thread!!!

I do believe I am taking the sub-title to its limit, agewise. :lol:

@"Newgirl": Why do you feel that way about people over 35? I, for one, don't believe it's true, and I'm way past 35.

My life experience, single or non single people over 35 are either tooooooooooo busy to offline socialize or on Facebook/Twitter.

[runester]

It is nice to see some 'familiar faces' on this thread!!!

I do believe I am taking the sub-title to its limit, agewise. :lol:

@"Newgirl": Why do you feel that way about people over 35? I, for one, don't believe it's true, and I'm way past 35.

My life experience, single or non single people over 35 are either tooooooooooo busy to offline socialize or on Facebook/Twitter.

You are probably right, as I was not thinking of people visiting offline. I do know, however, that I am able to offer a worthwhile friendship with online contacts. We shoud try! :)

[newgirl]

runester,

I could use a friend because spiritually I'm hurting but right now, I am just soo angry with people in general.

[CDSM]

In this I feel sorry for the younger ones

in the old days we went out, played with our mates at school, then college, then work etc

with so many younger people lacking social skills I feel largely because of the internet and hiding away in rooms rather than getting out and have real life experiences rather than just opinion..then I feel things somewhere need to take a turn

and trust me..if you think 300 "friends " on the internet will come round and help you move, or give you hand when you need it..you will see how many of those 300 are real life friends and those who are just txt on a screen

Ironically, my internet friends are probably more dependable than any of my real world friends.

[toj]

As an introvert like many, the thought of friends almost makes me uncomfortable. There are people I feel I can tell anything to, but they seemed to have past the friend stage and are more like siblings. I have never been social. Being out and doing things in public has always unnerved me. Early last year I bought the car of my dreams and joined a car club with others having the same vehicular love (I drive a hearse) I had tons of fun with this group and built a bond that was very much family like. In the past 6 months I have been the 24 hour caregiver for my 81 year old uncle with Alzheimers and have not had the opportunity to hang with the car club. I found out today that a bunch of the founding members have pretty much left the club and the president is thinking about disbanding. I am crushed. I feel like a kid coping with his parents divorce again.

[runester]

runester,

I could use a friend because spiritually I'm hurting but right now, I am just soo angry with people in general.

I am sorry for the length of time it took me to respond to your post (I don't know if it has to do with my being on EDT, or not). That said - I can understand you are hurting, spiritually speaking, because of the anger you are feeling. That is such a negative emotion, and should not be prevalent in your life, if you are able to avoid it, at all.

I post quite a bit on the "Older Forum", "over 50..." Topic, as it is set up for a chat-type site. Please contact me there, when you are able, 'friend'! (we're pretty age-flexible, or I have noticed that we could also use this thread, the way it 'reads') :)

Edit: by "runester" 8/1/12 - I am glad to see you are doing quite well on the "40s Topic". Please consider my "over 50..." invitation still 'open'.

[KachiriBeleza]

Very difficult for me to make friends. I live way out in the countryside with no vehicle. I'm an aromantic asexual. I'm transgendered. I have OCD. It's a real problem for me to find a friend.

[Space Ace]

There have been some great responses in this thread. I found these two short and to-the-point replies particularly true.

"I don't see people over 35 committing to long term friendship anymore."

"Finding people is easy. Actually making friends with them is a different matter."

I have nothing but my own experiences to base the following statements on. But it seems to me that we are living in an age that favors quid pro quo friendships.

I have seen numerous people "friend" another person simply to increase their career network potential etc. Additionally, I don't feel that people are willing to (emotionally) commit to friendships in their adult life the same way they do when they are younger.

Most people I know have a few close friends they have known for years/decades and everyone's social expansion seems to taper off with age.

Still trying to figure that one out.

[Karanna]

Dr.Kalea I feel for you. I am the same, I am introverted but not shy find people trier me. I have one semi-friend, she was my next door neighbor. It took +-18 years to start talking to each other. We finally found something we had in common, now we talk on the phone about once a month. I have been invited by her to come and see their new home, It will take a lot of effort but I must do it. People find it hard to be friends with me, I have tried to figure out way with out any results. The only thing I can think of is one must try to find people that have similar interests. Then again, it is hard to go out and mix with them. For example- I love art, and love to draw and paint, there is an art club here where I live. I have tried to go and join this club for years now, keep on changing my mind. I just do not have the inclination to go and sit among those people, listen to all the talking. Talking puts me to sleep, or sends me into dreamland.