Making Friends

[Hammerhead]

For me after school I've made friends thru:

work

clubs

organizations

volunteering

It can take a long time especially with the opposite sex. It was especially for me since I'm male and it took a long long time to gain the trust of my now females friends.

So at work go out to lunch with people you work with. Clubs and organizations have dinners where you can socialize with people that have similar interests. No guarantees but you'll never know unless you try. Just don't look desperate.

[test account]

Funny I had this discussion with my brother today. He pointed out, rightly I think, that there are two obstacles to making friends. 1. Getting enough exposure to new people, and 2. Your emotional habits when it comes to socializing.

In my case, I realised today that often I feel interested in a person but I have the habit of resisting that impulse. For example, a person I've spent a lot of social time with has a competition coming up, and I will be thinking about them and hoping they do well, but I resist the impulse to call them and say good luck. It's just a habit and to do otherwise feels very awkward. Social phobia, learned behavior or just personality, I don't know but it amounts to the same thing. It's not much use to anyone if I feel interested but don't say anything

I've decided to change my habits. I don't expect it to be easy or to get results for many months. But I think it's worth my effort. I guess time will tell.

[BlessYourFace]

Out of high school i only talk to a handful of the large group i considered my friends (though i still have everyone in my graduating class friended on FB and we'll chit-chat every now and again). I only keep in contact with my roommates from college and cant remember anyone else who i considered friends during that year. All of my best friends now are the people i work with who havent stabbed me in the back, which when it comes down to it are only about three or four people.

Making friends is easy, as i always say, everyone is a friend until they piss me off, lol...The friends that count is what matters, and they're rare; the ones who will stick by you through thick and thin. My only advice is to just get out there and meet people, take chances, and just run the course! Find community groups with sruff you enjoy, or things you're interested in learning about and join them, talk to strangers, go to concerts, hang out in coffee shops or diners. All of these places i have been able to find cliques in, myself! Good luck!

[DracoBorealis]

I myself don't have friends. For some reason, making them seems completely impossible for me. I do meet people in my hobbies, at work etc. but for some reason they pretty much run from me. Except some drunk men who have nothing but sex in mind. Don't know why. Maybe I'm scary :D

I used to have a few friends but even the longest lasting one has made it abundantly clear that she'll have nothing to do with me. I don't mind though. I like being by myself.

[Deremna]

After high school came college friends for me but they honestly really haven't lasted.. A lot of them merely morphed into acquaintances assuming I even talk to them at all. Mostly just talking on FB or hanging out a couple times but never really rebuilding the friendship we had in college. The same goes for a lot of the friends I made while working. I have my bestie.. She was introduced to me through a mutual friend I had worked with and she went to college with. Besides my boyfriend, she's the closest friend I have. We don't hang out all the time cos we're both busy but I don't feel that it's necessary to hang out with people to be close to them. I have a really good friend on FB that lives in New Hampshire who I met on a vampire forum that I have never met face to face but I often feel closer to her than I do to a lot of the people that live near me. I wouldn't say it's hard for me to make friends, ti's just keeping them that's the problem. I hold grudges when I feel slighted. Not a good habit, I know, but I can't help it.

I am trying to build up confidence to be able to just go to shows and comic book stores, etc. and find people with similar interests as I wouldn't mind being able to hang out with more people. I feel like actual face to face contact would be good for me every now and then, outside of my boyfriend, dad, and coworkers. I'm sure I'll connect with at least one person when I go back to college.

I used to have a few friends but even the longest lasting one has made it abundantly clear that she'll have nothing to do with me. I don't mind though. I like being by myself.

Just went through this myself. I thought I would be more upset and she hates me even more for not being depressed over it, I think, but I'm too old to give a shit if she wants to ditch me or not over trivial matters. Especially considering when she chose to do this which makes me feel no guilt at all for not caring that it's over..

[dreaming cat]

Funny I had this discussion with my brother today. He pointed out, rightly I think, that there are two obstacles to making friends. 1. Getting enough exposure to new people, and 2. Your emotional habits when it comes to socializing.

In my case, I realised today that often I feel interested in a person but I have the habit of resisting that impulse. For example, a person I've spent a lot of social time with has a competition coming up, and I will be thinking about them and hoping they do well, but I resist the impulse to call them and say good luck. It's just a habit and to do otherwise feels very awkward. Social phobia, learned behavior or just personality, I don't know but it amounts to the same thing. It's not much use to anyone if I feel interested but don't say anything

I've decided to change my habits. I don't expect it to be easy or to get results for many months. But I think it's worth my effort. I guess time will tell.

I think that I do this, as well. For me, there's a certain degree of not wanting to impose myself on others and also wanting some kind of validation that they actually want to be around me. The result is that I often wait for other people to make the first move and call me, invite me to an event, suggest an activity. I guess I have a fear of being rejected if I express interest, so it's easier to just tag along on a group invite, even though it leaves me wondering whether they really want me as part of the group.

[mackat5]

I have some wonderful friends, some of whom happen to be male. Case in point, 2 of them cleared my front porch Monday(Quite a job - in hot weather), and just a bit ago, I found a bag of cookies :) on my front porch, and some yard work that needed done was taken care of. Not sure who did the job, but.........

[test account]

Funny I had this discussion with my brother today. He pointed out, rightly I think, that there are two obstacles to making friends. 1. Getting enough exposure to new people, and 2. Your emotional habits when it comes to socializing.

In my case, I realised today that often I feel interested in a person but I have the habit of resisting that impulse. For example, a person I've spent a lot of social time with has a competition coming up, and I will be thinking about them and hoping they do well, but I resist the impulse to call them and say good luck. It's just a habit and to do otherwise feels very awkward. Social phobia, learned behavior or just personality, I don't know but it amounts to the same thing. It's not much use to anyone if I feel interested but don't say anything

I've decided to change my habits. I don't expect it to be easy or to get results for many months. But I think it's worth my effort. I guess time will tell.

I think that I do this, as well. For me, there's a certain degree of not wanting to impose myself on others and also wanting some kind of validation that they actually want to be around me. The result is that I often wait for other people to make the first move and call me, invite me to an event, suggest an activity. I guess I have a fear of being rejected if I express interest, so it's easier to just tag along on a group invite, even though it leaves me wondering whether they really want me as part of the group.

Same. And it makes me feel anxious a lot of the time. I'm finding so far that practicing a new habit of just expressing how I really feel is reducing my stress, which I hadn't expected at all.

[test account]

I have some wonderful friends, some of whom happen to be male. Case in point, 2 of them cleared my front porch Monday(Quite a job - in hot weather), and just a bit ago, I found a bag of cookies :) on my front porch, and some yard work that needed done was taken care of. Not sure who did the job, but.........

That's so lovely!

[DracoBorealis]

I used to have a few friends but even the longest lasting one has made it abundantly clear that she'll have nothing to do with me. I don't mind though. I like being by myself.

Just went through this myself. I thought I would be more upset and she hates me even more for not being depressed over it, I think, but I'm too old to give a shit if she wants to ditch me or not over trivial matters. Especially considering when she chose to do this which makes me feel no guilt at all for not caring that it's over..

Exactly. About this "friend" of mine, it's funny how she always kept saying -and still does- how she appreciates people as they are, understands that we all are different and make different choices in life etc., but yet denounces me and people like me, who don't go clubbing, don't date, don't drink and so on. Us who "don't have a life". She even said she feels sorry for me once. Well, she can feel sorry all she wants, I don't give a damn. I'm happy with my life as it is.

[Feather]

I don't have a lot of friends by most peoples definition. I consider the people that I talk to online friends, and most of them I know in real life but I would rather just talk online. I don't feel the need to hang out. I just like to talk. Though that sometimes causes my friends to leave. I'm just really content.

[Tals]

I know it must be getting old for me to parrot this same response across the site, but I really believe in it;

Use the Internet to find people with similar interests, then meet them!

I've been very up and down on how many friendships I have. After my dad passed away 2 years ago, I withdrew from all my social circles like a scared turtle. When I wanted to come back out, stuff had changed and I realised I needed to find a whole new set of friends. I was asking this exact question.

I rekindled the friendship with my old childhood best friend using facebook, and together, we carved out a new social group and it's the best one I've ever had. Old friends, new ones that I met online and joined us. The other day I invited all the online friends I've made in the past year together, and they all really benefited from that too, all got along so great. In the past if I tried to cross social groups it lead to venom.

There are lots of worthy people out there, and nowdays most of them fall back to the internet, like you guys are doing. So if you get out and find them, which I do understand is outside the comfort zone of many introverts, and put effort it, you'll get what you want. Just don't give up after a few failed tries, my third time was a charm and it only got better from there.

[cancel account]

I can definitely relate to the no friends and inability to make friends phenomena. I have many acquaintances but no real friends. I have moved to a small town which makes it even harder to make friends because the people who live here grew up together and do not seem (just my opinion) to have room for one more friend. Even if they did I am not sure I would even know how to maintain the friendship. The other obstacle is I get a long better with guys. I am very much a tomboy and can't relate to any of the women I know. *sigh* That and the fact that I am married which I assume would make friendships with men nearly impossible. So, where do you go from here. I am at a loss.

The ironic thing is, here we are, all in the same boat sharing something or in some cases many things in common but no way of making a true connection with one another. It is sad really when you think about it. The internet has made it possible for us to reach out to one another and in a safe and more comfortable way make friends and yet we still feel alone in our own little worlds....maybe I am missing something.

[Frigid Pink]

I have three really close friends, all from college.

After college, I had a full-time job, became involved in a romantic relationship, and was taking classes to prepare for a Master's program. I had less time to spend with people, time became a precious commodity, and I chose to spend it with the people that mattered the most to me, which included my romantic partner, those three friends, and certain family members, so my social circle became much smaller after college, and I lost touch with many friendly acquaintances, and I just didn't have the desire to go out to parties anymore, my priorities changed quite a bit.

I still see those three friends on a regular basis, almost weekly now, although two of them are married, and one has kids. I'm in a Master's program now that takes up most of my time, but ... I'm at a point in my life where I would like to meet new people and make new friends, widen my social circle. I don't go out as much as I used to, and I would like to change that, too. It's finding the motivation to do so that really gets me. I've been out of the loop for so long that it feels somewhat awkward, being social, which used to feel natural to me.

I thought I would make friends in my program, but I don't have much in common with most people there, who like to go to bars and drink alcohol, although I have made some connections.

Last year, I discovered a weekly poetry night, went somewhat regularly, and started writing poetry again. I met some people there and was friendly with them, but I was in a romantic relationship at the time, and things felt a little uncomfortable, and I hadn't made any new friends, especially of the opposite sex, since being with my romantic partner, and it just felt uncomfortable, and then the place closed down, and I didn't keep those connections, and that was that. I was a little upset about it all, because I was feeling "lost" in the romantic relationship, trying to find "me" again, and rekindle my own interests. I had stopped doing things and going places I liked because my romantic partner didn't want to do those things or go to those places with me, and so I chose to stay home with them or do other things with them. It happened gradually, and there were other factors at play, too, but it really had a negative impact on me.

I've developed a recent interest in ballroom dancing, but it's really expensive to take lessons, and I can't afford them right now. I'm trying to find more affordable ballroom dance or other social dance activities in my area, to meet my desire for dancing (I love dancing!) and social interaction.

I've read the posts here about finding groups of people that share a common interest. I'd like to join a group that does hikes and other outdoor activities. One thing I've realized is how much harder it really is now, to meet people and make new friends, than it used to be, it requires more effort, it's not like in college when there were so many clubs and events and things going on to go to, and all at very convenient times and locations! It even requires more effort to maintain friendships, which is why I put most of my effort into those three, because everyone has different schedules, lives further away, isn't just a few doors down, or a five minute walk from you anymore. I really do miss the convenience of the college years, and like the idea of living in a community or apartment with all my friends, or people who are all social together. My one friend joked that the only two opportunities we have for that, really, is college dorm life and senior living facilities.

Anyway, I'm rambling now, but it's great to see that there's a thread on this. I really value my close friendships, and interpersonal relationships, in general. I have some online friends, as others have mentioned, but I'm not online as much as I used to be, and I really crave in-person, face-to-face social interaction. I have so much alone time right now, and it's not that I don't enjoy my alone time, I just have more of it than I'm comfortable with!

[Drew Sol]

Going to add one of those annoyingly vague answers.

They just sort of "appear"

[Martina]

I do not have friends. I cannot make friends. I cannot be friend. I do not understand what is to be friend. I do not know how to keep friend. What is friend anyway?

Friends are two or more people who associate for the mutual enjoyment and support of each other.

[DexM]

I basically gave up making friends 9 years ago.Between my social ineptness,not drinking,being asexually akward,pushing eccentricity to it's limits and generally being a lazy arse I decided that enough was enough.I can't and don't really offer anything,but it did take me a while to realise this.Unfortunately/fortunately any remaining friends had already come to this conclusion.

[test account]

I basically gave up making friends 9 years ago.Between my social ineptness,not drinking,being asexually akward,pushing eccentricity to it's limits and generally being a lazy arse I decided that enough was enough.I can't and don't really offer anything,but it did take me a while to realise this.Unfortunately/fortunately any remaining friends had already come to this conclusion.

you mean they accepted you as you are, I hope, and are still your friends. When it comes to making new friends, that's a bit of a challenge I agree. but I don't think anyone really offers much except their time and attention. What else can you ask for? And all of us only have so much of that to hand out. I think its easy to expect a lot more of yourself than anyone else would expect, and then get exhausted and burned out with all the demands we place on ourselves.

[Shlomit]

I can relate to some of you who mentioned how you don't have many friends. I'm quite socially awkward and very shy and tend to feel uncomfortable in social situations. I'm often not comfortable enough to have long meaningful conversations with people where people learn things about me and vice versa. I do best with small talk and superficial conversations without revealing much such as talking about the news, the weather, or TV shows. I do hang out occasionally with a few friends and that's it. I get more of my gratification with in-depth conversations with various online friends and mostly through AVEN. I've gotten more and more frustrated with my social ineptness and started to learn to accept not having much of a social life. Most of the time, I'm content with going to the gym and library and similar places and seeing familiar faces. That is enough for me.

[Martina]

Where I live making friends seems quite impossible, and I hear that echoed by many others, both online and offline. Some of those who have talked to me about it attribute it to there being two kinds of people here, the isolators, and the users, those being the social predators who are out to make use of anyone they can in the usual ways for the usual things.

I've seen this in operation at every public social venue I've been at. The isolators come with someone they can talk to in order to exclude everyone else there, or they bury themselves in their iPhone, iPad, laptop, book, etc. or have their earbuds in dark shades on, and their icy wall up around them.

The users prowl all such public social venues hunting prey in the form of those not good at isolating in pubic and who are therefore vulnerable, and can be chatted up and manipulated toward the goal of whatever short term gain, or long con the user has in mind. Starbucks is the favorite hunting ground of the users here, and anyone who approaches you at a Starbucks here will turn out to be a user, seeking to manipulate you into letting them use you for something. I've yet to see an exception to this.

Some of them are very subtle, some are quite overt and aggressive, but it soon becomes apparent they want something from you, and are working toward that. I was approached by such a person a few weeks ago at a Starbucks, a woman who wanted to share my table, and she was very glib and personable at first. She quickly began pushing the notion that we were to be the very best of friends, telling me what a good and loyal friend she was, while dropping subtle hints about what she wanted to use me for, and there were several things she had in mind for me.

I tapered off contact with her quickly after she started calling me up drunk at night. I'm quite sure she's back out there hunting other prey.

[VanishingLady]

I have always been a loner, and making friends just isn't a priority. I have a few people to whom I speak from my previous job, but I prefer my own company. I have a lot of acquaintances, but can count my actual friends on 1 hand with fingers to spare. I mostly socialize online, but even here I'm my loner self.

I hear you, Martina, about the users. I just refuse to engage with them. I'm one of those people who isolates in public (brings a book to the restaurant, etc) and I just "blank stare" people who try to engage me when I don't want it. Usually works. Not interested in their feelings about it, neither, so no guilt.

[CompassRose]

I'm another of the extreme introverts, and I too have a really hard time making real connections. I have friends in particular contexts, but the ones who I feel I can tell anything to are severely limited. I know it's me - if I opened up more, I could almost certainly make more intimate connections. I just find that so difficult - it takes me a long time and lots of repeated exposures to someone to feel able to open up to them at all. But it's not all me - most of the people I meet are too busy with the rest of their lives to hang out and talk seriously in the way that could develop intimacy.

The other thing I really miss is physical contact - not sexual contact, but physical - backrubs, mostly. I used to have a friend who filled that need for me, but she got married and moved across the country, so that was no longer available. We kept in touch for a long time, but she stopped talking to me last year, and nothing I did seemed to make it better. I have pretty much given up on understanding what happened, since she won't tell me, but I still miss what we used to have, and I don't expect to ever find it again.

In general, I'm used to being valued by a few, but overlooked almost always. Like being in my 12 step meetings, and after the closing, I can almost always count on the people I'm holding hands with each turning to someone else to hug, leaving me standing there alone. And I'm such a good hugger, too!

Wow, now I'm feeling all sorry for myself. I think I really needed to express that out loud. It's not that this bothers me most of the time, but sometimes it does.

[DexM]

I basically gave up making friends 9 years ago.Between my social ineptness,not drinking,being asexually akward,pushing eccentricity to it's limits and generally being a lazy arse I decided that enough was enough.I can't and don't really offer anything,but it did take me a while to realise this.Unfortunately/fortunately any remaining friends had already come to this conclusion.

you mean they accepted you as you are, I hope, and are still your friends. When it comes to making new friends, that's a bit of a challenge I agree. but I don't think anyone really offers much except their time and attention. What else can you ask for? And all of us only have so much of that to hand out. I think its easy to expect a lot more of yourself than anyone else would expect, and then get exhausted and burned out with all the demands we place on ourselves.

Nah pretty much ditched me they did.I don't hold it against them.But on the otherhand I would never want to contact/see them again.

[5_♦♣]

Ever since I finished school, the only place I make friends is online.

[daveb]

I'm another of the extreme introverts, and I too have a really hard time making real connections. I have friends in particular contexts, but the ones who I feel I can tell anything to are severely limited. I know it's me - if I opened up more, I could almost certainly make more intimate connections. I just find that so difficult - it takes me a long time and lots of repeated exposures to someone to feel able to open up to them at all. But it's not all me - most of the people I meet are too busy with the rest of their lives to hang out and talk seriously in the way that could develop intimacy.

The other thing I really miss is physical contact - not sexual contact, but physical - backrubs, mostly. I used to have a friend who filled that need for me, but she got married and moved across the country, so that was no longer available. We kept in touch for a long time, but she stopped talking to me last year, and nothing I did seemed to make it better. I have pretty much given up on understanding what happened, since she won't tell me, but I still miss what we used to have, and I don't expect to ever find it again.

In general, I'm used to being valued by a few, but overlooked almost always. Like being in my 12 step meetings, and after the closing, I can almost always count on the people I'm holding hands with each turning to someone else to hug, leaving me standing there alone. And I'm such a good hugger, too!

Wow, now I'm feeling all sorry for myself. I think I really needed to express that out loud. It's not that this bothers me most of the time, but sometimes it does.

I'm with you on a lot of that! I'm sorry your friend stopped talking to you.

[test account]

Yes that's a bit upsetting, and sometimes you just never understand what happened. I think i've done that to a lot of people in the past without realizing the impact. I'd thought I was the only one feeling hurt I suppose.

Anyway the thing about making friends is that it takes years of consistent effort. You don't make real friends quickly. You have to be prepared for periods of despondency when you think you'll just never have any friends. And the times when it feels like you're making more contacts than you can cope with. You have to take initiative to reach out. And also be prepared to not be hugely picky. I have a friend I don't really have much in common with but he's available to hang out with, he and his girlfriend. It beats sitting at home playing Sims all night, because I enjoy company now and then.

[NamTar]

I don't go out much - it used to be twice a year (Christmas and my birthday); now I've changed jobs and hours so it's likely to reduce to '0'. Sometimes I feel sad about it, it would be nice to have someone to share things with and go out occasionally but it isn't going to happen...could be why my best friends are my two dogs :)

Exactly this, for me, too. I used to be bummed about no longer having real close friends I could share confidences with, but in recent years, either we drifted apart or I decided I was sick of them treating me like crap (the ones who treated me like crap, that is, not all of them) so I got rid of those ones. There have been times I thought it would be agreeable to have someone to just talk about stuff with, but personally, I don't even feel like it's worth my time. I'd just as soon talk to my dogs. I just don't have a lot of things in common with many people, and am introverted and don't feel like spending a huge amount of time sifting through all the jerks to find decent people.

Still, I'd imagine the answer is along the lines of trying to find people who you have things in common with, hobbies or interests or whatever.

[hellome]

to be honest this thread is a lil depressing for me :( it's sad to hear so many people have a hard time making friends. it's really not that hard, and i think most of you are over thinking the situation. which probably gives you anxiety in that moment. but the brutal truth is the other person most likely wants to be your friend too! but someone has to start the friendship. and all you have to say to someone is, "do you want to kick it sometime?", or the equivalent to that lol.

online friends are great, but i absolutely love my friends in real life! im in love with them lol. for me, i like hanging out with friends in real life cuz i get to talk story face-to-face, share a meal, do activities together. but yea it's definitely harder to make friends after finishing college. but they're still chances. you just have to be on the lookout. im guessing most of you dont like to go out to bars or clubs huh? how about a wine tasting event? art show? slam poetry? roller derby? the beach? a hiking club? a biking club? a pet club? those are all some kick ass places where you can meet some really cool people!

if you're truly okay with being alone then that's cool too. but don't let your social phobia ruin your chances to make friends. (I know easier said than done.) i guess im the reverse and im having a hard time with this online life lol. but if i want to meet or talk to other asexuals then i have to log on online. so here i am trying to make an effort. but i really do suck at this chatting/online thing. it's so hard

[< retired >]

The users prowl all such public social venues hunting prey in the form of those not good at isolating in pubic and who are therefore vulnerable, and can be chatted up and manipulated toward the goal of whatever short term gain, or long con the user has in mind. Starbucks is the favorite hunting ground of the users here, and anyone who approaches you at a Starbucks here will turn out to be a user, seeking to manipulate you into letting them use you for something. I've yet to see an exception to this.

I'm having trouble seeing the problem here. Thanks to Florida's marvelous Stand Your Ground law, you are authorized to use lethal force to defend yourself the moment you feel threatened. Head to your favorite Starbucks dressed in the tiniest little dress you can find, pack significant firepower in your purse, and let the fun begin!! The manager of the Starbucks may politely ask you to leave if you kill too many of his customers, but there's always another Starbucks just around the corner. :)

[Akumetsu]

For me it doesn't really get easier to make friends. I'm just not a sociable person. I'm shy and intorverted and need time to myself without lots of other people around. I get drained spending much time in public.

I can relate very much to this.

I've been trying this "finding people with similar interests" method, with tepid results. For me, socializing is a conscious effort, while for most people it seems to be a way of relaxing. Eventually, I get worn out and close off, and then I drift away again.

I guess it's just a part of my personality. As for reaching out to others, I always think it would be rude of me to act - and a few awkward silences that happened when I tried didn't help.

It's nice to see others in this thread that could accept their solitary lives as they are. At least you make it seem like a viable option :D.

But I have chances now, and I don't want to blow them. And it's frustrating, too. Feels like I'm doing something wrong.

but the brutal truth is the other person most likely wants to be your friend too! but someone has to start the friendship. and all you have to say to someone is, "do you want to kick it sometime?"

I hope it's not rude to ask in this manner but...

If it's so, then why does it seem that the burden of "starting the friendship" is on the shy person? "Because you want it", the answer may be. But doesn't that mean the other person doesn't care for it? In my experience, if you don't nag this "potential friend", you'll eventually end up politely ignored. It all makes attempts at "starting" seem forced and unwelcome.

I don't mean to complain the world is unfair. I'd just like to hear someone's opinion on this train of thought.