Making Friends

[Kalea]

The title is pretty self-explanatory - how do you find and make friends once you're out of school? Particularly for those who are not interested in romantic relationships, how do you meet people strictly for friendships? As a bit of a loner, I don't meet many new people, and those that I do generally either aren't interested in being friends with me or are interested in dating me, neither of which leads to friendship. It gets more complicated in that I generally find I have more in common with and get along better with males (I am female). I say this complicates things further because said males I encounter want to date or nothing at all, so friendship isn't on the table. Adults with children seem to make friends based on the parents of their children's friends; many adults have friends left over from college/university. Neither works for me, so I'm a bit lost. Sure, I can try meeting more people, but nothing seems to click. I have many, many friendly acquaintances/colleagues, but no actual friends. I've run out of ideas of how to remedy that situation.

[cdrdash]

Good question. I probably don't have a good answer. My attempts to find friends are mostly to get involved with groups of people who like the same thing that I do. When I got out of school I loved to play tennis so I joined the tennis club in my town. I had fun but I didn't make any really good friends more lots of good acquaintances and I discovered my desire to play tennis started to wane. So I eventually left the tennis club.

Then I got really involved with my hiking group (still am) and that has resulted in two or three good friends but it took a long time. I still don't feel like I have a really close friend and I am searching for one. Two of my friends I would like to be closer to have significant others and simply don't have much time to be with me so we can grow closer.

I have determined that there is no easy way for me to make friends other than to be social a little more than is natural for me. And I find the best way for me to be social is to volunteer to be on boards of organizations or volunteer to lead hikes and things like that. It sort of forces me to interact with people. If I just showed up for the activity its easy for me to not socialize. A comradery develops when I'm working with a common purpose with people. Sometimes that can develop into a friendship easier than just doing the activity with them.

Cathy

[Wineblood]

I find this incredibly hard as well. I don't go out much and I know groups with similar interests would be the best place for make new friends, I'm still too uncomfortable around people for that too work.

While not helpful, this thread reminded me of one of the lines at the end of season 5 of Dexter :

They make it look so easy, connecting with another human being, it's like no one told them it's the hardest thing in the world.

[FrozenCherry]

I do not have friends. I cannot make friends. I cannot be friend. I do not understand what is to be friend. I do not know how to keep friend. What is friend anyway?

[test account]

when you have the answer be sure to tell me. i've acquired a friend from work but it's more someone i keep in touch with and meet up with sometimes, someone to hang out with, not someone to share confidences with.

[indigowulf]

Just do what you love. For me, it's things like karaoke, swimming in the river, taking my ferrets to the park, ect. Admittedly karaoke is in a bar most of the time, and it sounds like that's not your thing, but the others are just generic places where Im happy. It's easier to meet people of like mind and open up and talk to them when you are doing something you enjoy, instead of trying to go somewhere you are uncomfortable to meet them.

To make a friend, you do have to be willing to talk to people. That can be a hangup for a lot of people who don't feel very social in public, like one of my roommates who pretty much only makes friends online.

I have found in the past it helps to wear a ring when meeting men. Some think its like lying because it says "I'm married" I think it's honest because it says "I'm not available for a relationship." Until society gives us a better way to say that as easily as a ring, I'll use what I have to work with!

[Kalea]

I have found in the past it helps to wear a ring when meeting men. Some think its like lying because it says "I'm married" I think it's honest because it says "I'm not available for a relationship." Until society gives us a better way to say that as easily as a ring, I'll use what I have to work with!

I've given thought to wearing a ring before, and should probably think about it more now that I'll be moving in a few months (what better time to start then when I'm not known by anyone?). However, I'm not sure what I'd say to my colleagues if/when they asked about it. Or do you only wear it when you're out socially? I also wonder whether it would draw the wrong kind of man - the ones who are looking for a fling and don't want anything serious, thus making married women attractive to them. What's the best way to make it clear to men that you are interested solely in friendship without offending them or making them think you're not interested in them, personally?

[indigowulf]

I used to wear one out socially. Now that I'm in a relationship, I dont need to. If a man approached me in spite of me pointing at my ring, it made it very easy to blow him off. I'm a complete b*tch to certain people, and someone who thinks I'm in a relationship and tries to take me home anyway has it coming! I usually end the conversation by asking which std he picked up this week. Yeah, I'm that mean! Sure, that doesn't help make friends, but do you really want that kind as a friend anyway? Never know, someone could overhear you and get a good giggle, leading to the best friend ever :)

[Vdougie]

I am not a social person at all, and it is almost impossible for me to make friends at all. I think I am better suited to be a loner anyway. I use to crave friends when I was younger, but now, I am happy to be alone. Most people I know in real life do not have enough in common with me to make a good friendship anyway.

[PiF]

In this I feel sorry for the younger ones

in the old days we went out, played with our mates at school, then college, then work etc

with so many younger people lacking social skills I feel largely because of the internet and hiding away in rooms rather than getting out and have real life experiences rather than just opinion..then I feel things somewhere need to take a turn

and trust me..if you think 300 "friends " on the internet will come round and help you move, or give you hand when you need it..you will see how many of those 300 are real life friends and those who are just txt on a screen

[Kalea]

In this I feel sorry for the younger ones

in the old days we went out, played with our mates at school, then college, then work etc

with so many younger people lacking social skills I feel largely because of the internet and hiding away in rooms rather than getting out and have real life experiences rather than just opinion..then I feel things somewhere need to take a turn

and trust me..if you think 300 "friends " on the internet will come round and help you move, or give you hand when you need it..you will see how many of those 300 are real life friends and those who are just txt on a screen

I feel it necessary to point out that not everyone who lacks friends also lacks social skills. Vice versa, not everyone who has friends has social skills. "Back in the day" single, childless, self-sufficient, professional women were almost unheard of, so I wouldn't be in any better of a situation then than I am now. Worse, actually, is more likely, as at least I'm currently respected as a successful individual.

[PiF]

well thats cleared that up then doc

better to be a respected loner than a p.c. loner..cloud to every lining

[test account]

I think if you want to make friends with single guys you've got to expect sex/romance to come up somewhere along the line because you're a woman to them and they can't help at least wondering. Unless the guy is asexual/aromantic or gay. Or if he's just not ready for a relationship with anyone at all. If you wear a ring it'll put off guys who are just trawling for available women but if you become friends then the truth will come out and you'll be fair game, ring or no ring. Unfortunately you're at an age now where people are pairing up. I think that's why friendships are harder to come by. It's not like at school any more when everyone wanted to just hang out and have fun. Now they want 'relationships' -- sad isn't it? ;)

[daveb]

For me it doesn't really get easier to make friends. I'm just not a sociable person. I'm shy and intorverted and need time to myself without lots of other people around. I get drained spending much time in public. I don't connect to people quickly and I'm slow to label people as friends. I don't think it has anything to do with the times or with age or any of that. Even when I was in school decades ago (as a kid and as a college student) I didn't make friends easily. For me, it has more to do with personality than anything else. I'm a very private person and don't let people get close easily. I don't really know how to not do that and i don't think it's something I can easily unlearn (I'm not even sure I want to unlearn it too much; because I like my free time).

I've heard many of the suggestions before, like go out and do some activity you enjoy, but I never really made friends doing that. It can be very hit or miss. Sure, you have one thing in common, but that isn't enough for friendship as far as my experience goes. Getting more involved as Cathy suggests, sounds like it would help more, at least for people like me who need more to make a connection. That is more likely to happen if you're working together to accomplish things or solve problems or organize stuff.

[Samael]

I think if you want to make friends with single guys you've got to expect sex/romance to come up somewhere along the line because you're a woman to them and they can't help at least wondering. Unless the guy is asexual/aromantic or gay. Or if he's just not ready for a relationship with anyone at all. If you wear a ring it'll put off guys who are just trawling for available women but if you become friends then the truth will come out and you'll be fair game, ring or no ring. Unfortunately you're at an age now where people are pairing up. I think that's why friendships are harder to come by. It's not like at school any more when everyone wanted to just hang out and have fun. Now they want 'relationships' -- sad isn't it? ;)

I second this. Since for example I'm aromantic, I wouldn't be interested in wondering much about it if you decided to chat me up. I assume that someone who's on the look out for a partner might be interested in wondering, though :)

Ah, I wish it was more common for people to just be open to friendship and friendship only. But a frienship can be hard to come by in a certain age range. I also wish that I was older already, maybe in the 40 or 50s, when people in general would yet again be more interested in platonic interaction.

[NothingHere]

I also have the issue of barely being able to make friends at all, but I will say that I've found that the best way to make friends is to have some kind of pretense, if that makes sense. As in, a lot of people go clubbing or whatever in order to meet friends, but I've always found that that kind of aimless environment just doesn't work for me; I've always had better luck socializing under the pretense of work/a hobby/getting something done/working towards some common goal. I'm sure it's partly because in that situation, you're more likely to be with people you're more compatible with, but I think that kind of environment helps as well.

[4thquad]

Hi Dr. Kalea,

I know what you are going through. I have very little, if any friends. Even though I am a kind person and a lot of fun (so the few friends I have say) I am not popular. I have learned to deal with that.

Oh I do get the occasional woman who is looking for a guy to help her raise her three or four children. (Srsly,I met a lady at karaoke who told me she was looking for a man to help her raise her "hardheaded children", her words, not mine. I had not known her for 20 minutes yet and she dropped this on me. It took me 3 months of avoiding her before she left me alone)( I also met a lady from Brazil who was beautiful, and had 3 kids, and was looking to marry someone quick. I figured she needed citizenship)

So I am not only destined to be alone romantically (aromantic ace)but to spend a lot of time by myself. I keep going back to the bible when where it says "some 30, some 60, some 100 fold". I'm a 30 folder, maybe less.

I hope for something better for you.

I am trying fill my life with what I love. Cooking. Yep I am a chef but a rarely cook for friends. The only lady I hang with cooks for charity. She is not even a chef. I may join her one day.

I also like being in shape, or will like it when I am back in shape . That is why I am a BeachBody coach. I have met some people online and have made friends with some of the people on the P90X infomercial, some of them always answer my comment or comment on my wall (I could get more friends but I don't know how to post pics yet )

I also have a few hobbies that I have met people who were interested in looking at my work.

Again I hhope for some better friendship future for you. You helped me with your comments to my posts and I hope you find something other than work to fill your time and find a friend.

:cake:

[test account]

I would like some real friends, but seeing as how I don't like the way anybody treats me, I must either give up the idea, grow a thicker skin, or learn more social skills. Maybe all three. I'm so tired of the burden of communication. I'm tired of the act, the game, the strategy of it all. Nobody knows me the way I know me and I'm tired of trying to translate.

And now here I am complaining on an internet site....

I'm sick of dispensing advice as though i know anything, I'm sick of pretending i'm smart, i'm sick of making fun of myself and basically i'm sick of being a tool. But what else is there? I don't want to share anything that really matters, I don't want to let anyone think i really care about them, and I don't want to be myself. Because I scare myself too much.

I don't know what i think is so scary about me but it has something to do with me needing things and that means i have to take somebody else's stuff to get it. If i'm real, it means you have to make room for me. So i'm taking up some of your space. Don't you think i should just die?

I know this is a weird post to make but I'm curious to see if I dare hit POST... what the hell! may as well, because what does it matter? Call it another act, or call it real, i have no idea which it is nor do i care. Life is an experiment and I'm the rat.

[Samael]

I would like some real friends, but seeing as how I don't like the way anybody treats me, I must either give up the idea, grow a thicker skin, or learn more social skills. Maybe all three. I'm so tired of the burden of communication. I'm tired of the act, the game, the strategy of it all. Nobody knows me the way I know me and I'm tired of trying to translate.

And now here I am complaining on an internet site....

I'm sick of dispensing advice as though i know anything, I'm sick of pretending i'm smart, i'm sick of making fun of myself and basically i'm sick of being a tool. But what else is there? I don't want to share anything that really matters, I don't want to let anyone think i really care about them, and I don't want to be myself. Because I scare myself too much.

I don't know what i think is so scary about me but it has something to do with me needing things and that means i have to take somebody else's stuff to get it. If i'm real, it means you have to make room for me. So i'm taking up some of your space. Don't you think i should just die?

I know this is a weird post to make but I'm curious to see if I dare hit POST... what the hell! may as well, because what does it matter? Call it another act, or call it real, i have no idea which it is nor do i care. Life is an experiment and I'm the rat.

Hmm, for an experimental rat you're getting pretty philosophical. Well, Ms. rodent, if you are not motivated by your hamster wheel anymore, are you going to bust out of your cage and make a run for it? :P

[lux]

I agree with daveb,I'm also very shy and introvertide and for me it's very difficult to make friends,fortunatelly,I have a small group of female friends,single and widow,they are older than me,but we go to the cinema,to eat "tapas",to go out,to museums,to theatres,to expositions,to trips,and so on,I also have one female friend of my age who I met in a blind date through the local newspaper,but only for friendship,because I'm aromantic asexual and my friend is heterosexual,but we discovered that we had a lot of things in common,not only hobbies but our personalities,too,because both of us have similar personalities,so when I am with her,I feel very good and relaxed,I can be of my own,I don't need pretend to be a different person,because I am very serious,boring,shy,introvertide,and so she is,I think that I have had very luck meeting this woman,who has became one of my best friend,and...¡¡¡¡our birthdays are in the same month,we were born the same year,we are only childs indeed!!!,is it incredible?,I think that is the destination,we are soul mates.

[Tanwen]

I don't go out much - it used to be twice a year (Christmas and my birthday); now I've changed jobs and hours so it's likely to reduce to '0'. Sometimes I feel sad about it, it would be nice to have someone to share things with and go out occasionally but it isn't going to happen...could be why my best friends are my two dogs :)

[TheEvaTree]

The title is pretty self-explanatory - how do you find and make friends once you're out of school? Particularly for those who are not interested in romantic relationships, how do you meet people strictly for friendships? As a bit of a loner, I don't meet many new people, and those that I do generally either aren't interested in being friends with me or are interested in dating me, neither of which leads to friendship. It gets more complicated in that I generally find I have more in common with and get along better with males (I am female). I say this complicates things further because said males I encounter want to date or nothing at all, so friendship isn't on the table. Adults with children seem to make friends based on the parents of their children's friends; many adults have friends left over from college/university. Neither works for me, so I'm a bit lost. Sure, I can try meeting more people, but nothing seems to click. I have many, many friendly acquaintances/colleagues, but no actual friends. I've run out of ideas of how to remedy that situation.

Talking about friendships, I don't find it easy either. But I have decided to brake that wheel of misfortune, and so I have to deal with whatever keeps me from enjoying myself and having fun being myself, by myself or in a group.

My feeling is that I need to be in environments that support my love of creativity, abstract and/or street art, organic/veggie foods, outdoor activities such as hiking, tree climbing...people who are a little askew and crazy too(crazy like in tree hugging, board gaming and finger/foot-paint, not the sociopath kind),though capable of a bit intellectual conversation, would also be good, as it's also part of me...

...As an example, I have a friend, Lila, who is always dressing up as a movie character, just because it adds that drop of creativity and fun she needs to get by each day of feeling trapped on planet earth. which I find lovely and inspiring.

The other side of the coin is that she's diagnozed schizophrenia(spelling?) and takes strong medicine every day. Plus that she can be quite manipulative and uncaring, which is why I don't see her very often. I just don't want to waste energy anymore of arguing whether it's ok or not to use your freedom of speech to talk rude to ppl on the street, the staff at the supermarket, etc. She may have an excuse(her diagnose), but my life's too short for that...

The other two friends is one working overtime almost every day and the other just had her first baby...

[test account]

Hmm, for an experimental rat you're getting pretty philosophical. Well, Ms. rodent, if you are not motivated by your hamster wheel anymore, are you going to bust out of your cage and make a run for it? :P

Definitely :D

[newgirl]

I can relate to Lux and Daveb because i'm an introvert and it's hard for me to find good friends . Lux I envy you because i wish i had at least ONE true female friend in my life for friendship. As i get older(I'm in my early 40's), I can't find reliable women who want long term friendship . Most women i meet are online and these women want a Facebook or Twitter friendship. My EX childhood friend rather talk to me via Facebook then on the phone or met offline. Crazy!

[Member33070]

Hey there! When this thread first came up, I didn't have any suggestions for you, because I'm experiencing a similar issue finding friends. I go to a large university and live in a dorm, but nobody really hangs out anymore. As PiF mentioned, they all just retreat back to their dorms or place off-campus, hiding from the world, and don't understand how to just wander around and shoot the breeze - finding adventure.

I do have one friend to help me get through it all. I reconnected with her through Facebook. We weren't really good friends in high school, because I was too busy and so was she. But she recently moved to my town and I asked her if she wanted to hang out, and after a few times hanging out we really started to click. I recommend that. Find random people on Facebook that you used to know. You'd be surprised who ends up moving to your town. But I find that in this, often you have to be the one who sets events up and picks times or it never happens. Saying, "Hey, we should hang out sometime!" and then getting a "Yeah!" response isn't enough...

Another great resource is sites like Meetup and Meetin. Meetup is good for specific interests, but it often feels too...I don't know, dedicated? Many of the organizations there ask the members to pay a fee or rarely meet up. Meetin has the advantage that it's organized by place (provided you live in a fairly big city) and then events are set up within it. It's really easy to sign up and join, and in my town there's always something going on on there! I've got like 5 events planned for this month, all great things I've been wanting to do but can't find anyone to do them with. That's the environment there, highly recommend it.

Good luck.

[Ziffler]

I can not be of much help. Sorry.

I have always been a loner, hermit type. There is no one in my life that I would call a friend. I have some aquaintances but that is as far as I will go in a relationship. Being anti-social as I am, I suppose it is a good thing I am asexual.

[xanthesun]

this may be a little late but it's a problem I've been facing recently as well.

Part of the issue I think is what is meant by friend since it can cover a broad spectrum depending on who you talk to... generally when people suggesting doing things that interest you I feel you may make a more casual friendship...like someone to hang out with maybe complain work or surface things (like tourists or the lack of subway etiquette is popular in my area). These kind of friends are a bit easier to make...so long as you actually go out and do stuff so that you are interacting with people. Though I've found it hard to move that kind of friendship outside the bounds of how you met them (eg if you met someone by volunteering at the same place or playing on a recreatoinal sports team, it's hard for me to invite them out to say lunch etc. basically to anything outside the venue of how we met...probably because I'm waiting for some sign that it's okay...when there probably never will be...someone has to make the first step). Because I don't usually take the iniative to start things (in part because I usually prefer to spend time by myself) then it also never reaches a point where I can rely on them for things either...

As for deeper friendships...to me it seems as hard as finding "one true love/soulmate" ~though I have one friend I'm visiting this weekend actually who is close too it... though we had met while both studying abroad and just kind of connected...She was the first person in a long time to be really open and welcoming and I think if I was younger/less afraid I would share more with her but maybe not since for a long time I've been the type who likes to maintain tight control of my persona and am very careful with what I reveal about myself to others...

So as for doing anything...it's a matter of either meeting a ton of people and luckily finding someone(s) who click with you or managing expectations about relationships and knowing that it's probably going to be slow going because adults in general seem to be more guarded

[Sommer]

I don't have any RL friends and I don't intend on making any; I just accept it as a fact of life. I never had many friends growing up.

[DaylightFading]

I wish I knew the answer to this, too. I am HORRIBLE with people. Almost 100 percent of the time, my first impression is wrong. Then, if I do find out that someone I thought to be annoying/shallow/rude or whatever have you is actually a cool person, I inevitably find myself screwed over in the long run anyway.

It might be that I don't give people a lot of chances to screw up before I'm done but I attribute that to a lifetime of being weak, walked on, ignored, or otherwise mistreated by almost everyone around me. We move a lot since my husband is in the military and everywhere we go, I go through a cycle: get a new job, meet some people and some of their friends, start feeling close to these people, and then end up having someone take extreme advantage of me or treat me poorly and expect me just to get over it. We moved here to upstate NY last May and I transferred from my job in MD and worked there for just a few months. Then I broke my back last July, so that resulted in leaving THAT job (which was fine except I miss the dogs!!) and when I healed enough I started to work at the job I currently have. Pretty quickly (especially for me) I made a couple of girlfriends and the three of us bonded incredibly. It seemed alright but they talked about one another to me so I was quite sure that they were discussing me with one another when I wasn't there. I stopped telling either of them anything personal. Recently, one of them decided to be very disrespectful to me on Facebook after repeated requests to keep posts clean on my page and in my comments because I have young family members in my Friends list. I finally had enough (she had a way of picking and bullying in just the slightest way so that she could disguise it as friendly teasing) and told her so. She left a note in my cubicle when I was on lunch saying, "I know we can't be friends on Facebook, but I still like you... Are you ever going to talk to me again?" She did not like hearing about herself even a little bit when I contacted her and said no, we probably won't talk much again because you can't handle it when I stick up for myself and I won't be disrespected by someone who calls me their friend.

PHEW sorry... end rant. ANYWAY the point was, I wish I knew how to pick the right friends too. I have terrible judgement and always, always, ALWAYS end up hurt when I let someone close to me. This is why NOBODY in my life knows about my orientation. Nobody knows the thoughts that I live with. Nobody understands why when they ask me about myself I say, "There's nothing to tell," when I really want to say, "There's nothing I'm willing to tell you."

So if anybody knows a magical friend-making trick that will guarantee to avoid jerks and a-holes, please share with me... LOL

[Wineblood]

I don't have any RL friends and I don't intend on making any; I just accept it as a fact of life. I never had many friends growing up.

Pretty much this.

I've found that online activity seems to satisfy all my social needs without making me uncomfortable the way I am around people in real life.