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35 year old virgin, hi


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#1 SabelReed

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Posted 15 May 2011 - 08:39 PM

Yep 35 year old female and I've never even kissed anyone so I guess I fit the Asexual label fairly well. I broke up with my boyfriend of 7 years(sort of) last year. There were lots of reasons I should have broke up with him a long time ago but it was easy to over look and forgive a lot since it was a long distance relationship. When we first met I had told him I had no interest in ever having a romantic relationship. We knew each other 7 years so he always said we were together that long but I really only felt I let it get serious the last few that's when he started showing his true colors and things got weird. To bring it back around to on topic here we did a lot of text role play sex. I do enjoy getting aroused I just have no desire to follow through though I had more libido when younger and not much the last couple years or so and don't get aroused much.

As it got more serious we'd talk for hours and he'd sometimes talk of mirage. He wanted to do phone sex and I tried but it was uncomfortable for me. I did enjoy his getting aroused and like hearing him but never wanted to do anything with myself and tired faking it with some moans but I guess he could tell and would say he wished he could see or tell if I was really getting excited etc. The more he would pressure me into sexual stuff though the less I would enjoy it where as at first I did enjoy the fact he felt that way over me.

Because it was long distance we'd only been together in person a couple times. He said he was planning to come visit again but was pressuring me to agree to sex when he showed up. I told him I'd be willing to cuddle and see where it went(remember we hadn't even kissed) but that wasn't good enough for him. Even before this he would from time to time say how his friends thought he should break up with me and he started doing that more and more and I finally just had enough and said fine you want to break up I accept.

He was actually cheating on me and having sex with someone else during the time he started pressuring me to agree to have sex with him. There were actually many things that make him a bad person though but it's not relevant except to say sex wasn't the only reason for me why it ended, though for him he claims he felt he could never have a sexual relationship with me, even though I said I was willing I just wanted to take it slow and have it be romantic, not mark off a date on the calendar to loose my virginity.

But with lots of time to think about it he was sort of right. I would have been willing since I loved him but I was reluctant because I feared(was pretty sure) I'd not like it and that would be upsetting for him and if I had to fake liking it, even if I managed to do so, it would isolate me from him as we'd not be sharing any real intimacy.

In college I was at a friends house and her other friend was there and they started talking sex and guys and certain body parts they enjoyed on guys and I just sat there in shock and "ew" I just couldn't quit get how they could be like that at the time. I understand now but I still don't have the cravings they did.

The one thing my ex did for me was to open me up to actually wanting a relationship. I miss talking with him all night till one of us fell asleep, usually me because I'm not chatty at all either.

I guess the ideal relationship for me would be having someone I could snuggle and cuddle with, maybe kiss and share a life and support each other. I could even take some joy/pleasure in pleasuring them but I don't feel like it could go the other way. I'd be willing to try sex if I was truly deeply in love but I do seriously doubt my really enjoying it.

So I've been feeling lonely but being a 35 year old virgin would sure make dating awkward and I've never actually tried dating. So this is very embarrassing to me but I Goggled "asexual dating site" out of curiosity. I mean they have them for every other sexual deviation right? And this site was the first one that came up so I still don't know if such sites exist as I've been checking this one out.

#2 Vdougie

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Posted 15 May 2011 - 09:33 PM

Welcome. :cake:

I happy you found this site, even if it was done on accident. Sorry about your cheating boyfriend, that happens to alot of us asexuals because we "don't put out" with who we are with, if you know what I mean.

Yes, there is an asexual dating site out there that I know of, and it is called AceBook. It is a dating site for asexuals. You could check it out if you want, or you could hang out here for a little bit more, if you please.

Make yourself at home.

#3 Turndun

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Posted 15 May 2011 - 09:47 PM

Hi SabelReed and welcome :cake:

A mid-30's Virgin here too ... pleased to meet you. You've come to the right place.

I'm just truly coming to terms with my Asexuality, it's taken a loooooooooooooooooooooong time :)

Jon.

#4 SabelReed

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Posted 15 May 2011 - 11:09 PM

Thank you for the welcome and the cake. Took me a bit to find AceBook since Google thinks it's a misspelling. I'll probably join soon and have a look around but haven't done so yet.

Hi Jon. I'm just coming to terms with it too though that might not be the right phrase. Maybe I'm just embracing it now. I felt sort of like a freaky outcast to be a 30 something virgin. Part of me thought if I had just done 'it' sooner like most people it'd not be a big deal now but I don't really believe that either. I mean I could likely go out to a bar right now and pick someone up and get it done but I think that would be a really really horrible experience even though society at large would think me more normal then if I did.

But embracing the Asexual label means there's nothing wrong with me and I'm not a freak. That huge pressure weight of, you need to be sexual has lifted. I'm not a freak or a looser, at least not due to my sex drive or lack thereof ;) Even better there is a chance I might someday find someone special who understands and even feels the same way since I'm now connecting with others who are similar.

#5 . .

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Posted 16 May 2011 - 12:03 AM

Hey that all sounds rather upsetting for you :cake:

Sounds to me like that guy was just a promiscuous libertine who wanted to be your first for his own perverse reasons. Im glad you got something useful out of the experience in the sense of exposing yourself to unfamiliar activities like phone sex just to see what it's like. The guy I was hanging out with recently wanted me to do that but I was too embarrassed -- plus I knew he was just getting off for his own pleasure which pussed me off.

Anyway, it's all fun and games isn't it? Life is a learning experience. Good for you in being yourself! And welcome :)

#6 daveb

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Posted 16 May 2011 - 01:25 AM

Welcome and have some more :cake:!

Sorry you had to go through that experience. At least the aftermath brought you here. I also came to AVEN after the breakup of a long distance relationship (although we met in person numerous times and tried to have sex. It never "worked" for me.) As for your description of what a good relationship might be like I think a lot of us would like that, too. :)
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#7 itsme

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Posted 16 May 2011 - 08:58 PM

i think there is an ace site called the A-sylum or acesylum or something similarly spelled. I can't for the life of me remember now, though....

#8 SabelReed

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Posted 17 May 2011 - 01:19 AM

Sounds to me like that guy was just a promiscuous libertine who wanted to be your first for his own perverse reasons. Im glad you got something useful out of the experience in the sense of exposing yourself to unfamiliar activities like phone sex just to see what it's like. The guy I was hanging out with recently wanted me to do that but I was too embarrassed -- plus I knew he was just getting off for his own pleasure which pussed me off.

Anyway, it's all fun and games isn't it? Life is a learning experience. Good for you in being yourself! And welcome :)


That sounds about right. He really was a horrible person once you got under the glossy veneer and saw the real him but if I shared all the bad stuff about him it'd make me look bad for having been with him. One relevant thing though the girl he left me for was 16(legal age of consent in her state) and though he was younger than me he's still way older than her. Not that in general age matter but when the age would be considered minor still in most states(and she calls him daddy), then that gets creepy.

#9 SabelReed

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Posted 17 May 2011 - 01:21 AM

Thanks Dave

Nicole I don't see that one but didn't look too hard yet, it didn't come up right away though. I did see asexualpals but haven't given it a look yet. It's good to know they do exist though.

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Posted 17 May 2011 - 06:40 AM


Sounds to me like that guy was just a promiscuous libertine who wanted to be your first for his own perverse reasons. Im glad you got something useful out of the experience in the sense of exposing yourself to unfamiliar activities like phone sex just to see what it's like. The guy I was hanging out with recently wanted me to do that but I was too embarrassed -- plus I knew he was just getting off for his own pleasure which pussed me off.

Anyway, it's all fun and games isn't it? Life is a learning experience. Good for you in being yourself! And welcome :)


That sounds about right. He really was a horrible person once you got under the glossy veneer and saw the real him but if I shared all the bad stuff about him it'd make me look bad for having been with him. One relevant thing though the girl he left me for was 16(legal age of consent in her state) and though he was younger than me he's still way older than her. Not that in general age matter but when the age would be considered minor still in most states(and she calls him daddy), then that gets creepy.

ewh, that is creepy - but it certainly is no reflection on you for having been associated with him, at least not in my opinion. People like that guy give you opportunities to learn stuff you'd normally only hear about. I consider it a social experiment, finding out stuff for yourself, finding out what you like and what you don't like. Personally I think the stink stays with the other person because they've chosen to be what they are - you're just taking a look at it for a while :)

#11 Guest_Jay26_*

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Posted 17 May 2011 - 12:38 PM

Welcome. I am 37 and married. Would be happy to touch base with you and compare experiences and thoughts. welcome to Aven. :cake:

#12 SabelReed

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Posted 18 May 2011 - 04:20 AM

I like your way of looking at it Averillo. My ex is a failed experiment, ha, but true, Every experience is a chance for growth and somethings you just can't know about yourself until you've been there.

Hi Jay. Thanks for the welcome.

Work's keeping me busy for the next couple weeks but I'm sure I'll participate more here as time goes on.

#13 newgirl

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Posted 04 June 2011 - 02:48 AM

Sabelreed,

I'm a 41 year old gray asexual virgin woman and i'm dating a sexual man right now. Me and my boyfriened engage in outercourse only(no oral,anal or vaginal sex) but it's good to see a virgin asexual woman on the board trying to date.
"We talk a lot about Malcom X and Martin Luther King JR, but It's time to be like them, as strong as them. They were mortal men like us and everyone of us can be like them. I don't want to be a role model. I just want to be someone who says, this is who i am, this is what i do. I say what's on my mind."
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#14 Ged of Earthsea

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Posted 04 June 2011 - 03:59 AM

Hello SabelReed.

Nice picture.

It's a bit odd to bump into people later in life and not fit the standard prototype sex/experience profile that people seem to assume is common. I discovered AVEN in a bit of a crisis where I was wondering if there was something wrong about me and thought I'd have to learn to socialise like everyone else. Tried the clubs and bars thing but it's really not me and it left me feeling quite disoriented internally. I guess by 30 we've settled into our skins in a certain way and while it is always good to look for new experiences, doing something that goes against the person we are inside isn't very helpful.

I'm glad you are positive about relationships. A lot of people get burnt and want to have nothing to do with them (or worse, with men). The others have suggested ace-dating sites. If you're new here, I can recommend the forums and just browsing a few older threads. Quite a few asexual people have met partners on this forum. I guess it works well to get to know a person through their words.

Thanks for posting. It's so great to see a lot of older types on a welcome thread!

#15 Cygnus

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Posted 04 June 2011 - 10:39 AM

Welcome 28 year old virgin here. Youve come to a good place with alot of good people. :)
"No society can surley be flourishing and happy, of which the far greater part of the members are poor and miserable." Adam Smith "The Wealth of Nations"

#16 Oggygon

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Posted 04 June 2011 - 11:15 AM

Indeed Welcome :cake: Another mid 30s virgin here. We are not so uncommon :)

Only in silence the word,
only in dark the light,
only in dying life:
bright the hawk's flight
on the empty sky.
-Wizard of Earthsea
Ursula K. Le Guin


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